I'm a slow learner

So I've come across some mothering smarts today. And again, I wonder why it takes me so long to come up with these things!!

I have been pretty sick of hearing L argue about his clothes. On any given sunday, I ask them to get dressed.... with "no words and no pictures" on their shirts.
EVERY week- L comes out of his room with an old tie dyed t-shirt. I make him change and I usually drop the battle after he chooses a yellow or black t-shirt.
More recently, I have discovered that he really doesn't have much to choose from.

And most recently... here's the big revealation!!!.....I've learned that I simply need to remove all of the hideous clothes from the closet!!!
DUH!
So today, I went through L's closet and removed all of the shirts that I'm sick of seeing.
After inventory it appears that he has one long sleeve shirt.... (oops).... and several short sleeve shirts.
It'll be easy to get dressed when he only has a handful of things to choose from. haha.

I do plan on taking them both shopping for clothes tomorrow. (So no worries, grandma!)

Christmas Day

D just caught up on reading blogs with me, and he decided that my blog needs some pictures.
So enjoy a few photos that he picked out to share.
And D says "Hi!"

The boys look sharp in their new pjs from the CO Bothams.

The boys loved their presents on Christmas morning.

a list!!

I have made a small step today in regaining my sense of organization.
I have made a grocery list.

Before Thayer died, I would sit down each week and make a list of meals... and make a rockin' grocery list. I would then proceed to make one trip to the store and prepare the meals that I had planned throughout the week.

Honestly, I haven't cooked a meal since Thayer's death. (well...I have prepared Binner quite a few times)
Today.... D and I sat and came up with three meals that we could cook, and eat, this week. For us, this was a huge accomplishment!
Granted, we only came up with Taco Soup, bbq chicken sandwiches and hamburgers. But hey... it's a start!!
And we can't forget that Pizza will inevitably be a meal this week.
So I am proud to say that we have meals for 4 days this week. yay!!

If you have any ideas for healthy kid friendly meals... please send them my way!!

Christmas

Christmas Eve....
I sat and watched "The Christmas Shoes" on Lifetime.
Mistake.

I was pretty much okay until I gathered things and started to fill stockings. Then it really hit me that I was alone... filling stockings and watching Christmas movies. Really alone. My mind flooded with memories of past Christmases. And I pretty much lost it.
After the stockings were stuffed I sat in my floor by the Christmas tree and wept. I questioned God and questioned His plan for me and the kids. Why us? why now?
I think it was good for me to get out some of that frustration. I cried until the tears burned my cheeks and then I crawled into bed with my tissues.

Christmas day...
I heard the kids at 5am and successfully ignored them until they came to wake me at 6am. They granted me 9 more minutes of sleep before they insisted that I get out of bed to see the bounty from their stockings.
I handled the morning quite well until I realized that L's new Nerf gun needed batteries. and the little screwdriver I had was too little.
I cried.
Where was Thayer when I needed a man around? And where would Thayer have kept another screwdriver? I was a little defeated.
But, I was certain that Uncle Jim could save the day... so we saved the batteries for later. (Thank goodness for the men in my family!)

We had a nice "brunch" with my family. S and J gave us an amazing personalized Christmas ornament with our family pic on it. I was taken aback. What a lovely keepsake!

I think the best part of my day was the THREE hour nap that I took this afternoon. I really needed it. I suppose this Christmas has taken it's toll on me.

We proceeded to my aunt and uncle's house for Christmas dinner. We successfully stuffed ourselves silly and enjoyed seeing our family.
I can remember how much Thayer looked forward to that Christmas dinner each year. It was a bit odd not having him there with a huge plate full of meat and veggies. But overall the evening was lovely. We even enjoyed a bit of store-bought cheescake. (thanks Casey! haha)

So...if you were wondering... I have made it through my first Christmas without Thayer. It wasn't as easy as I had thought... but it wasn't as bad as other people had warned.
It just was.

becoming Anna

Like any good widow, I struggle with/ and wonder how long God will leave me in this "single" state.
As I was studying Jesus' birth tonight, I ran across the passage about the widow Anna.

Luke 2:36-38 says:
There was also a prophetess, Anna, the daughter of Phanuel, of the tribe of Asher. She was very old; she had lived with her husband seven years after her marriage, and then was a widow until she was eighty-four. She never left the temple but worshiped night and day, fasting and praying. Coming up to them at that very moment, she gave thanks to God and spoke about the child to all who were looking forward to the redemption of Jerusalem.

I have been getting good insights from Jon Courson's Application Commentary. This is what he has to say about Anna:

After losing her husband, Anna could have become bitter. Instead, she became better and blessed. Rather than simply becoming old and fatigued, she kept about her such a high degree of vitality and spirituality that she was chosen singularly of all women to be the prophetess who recognized Jesus as Messiah. Why? I believe the text gives three reasons...
Anna prayed to the Lord. She didn't give herself over to bemoaning her loss. Rather, she said, "I'm going to use my single state as an opportunity to give myself to God completely and wholeheartedly."
Anna looked for the Lord. Like Simeon, she lived in the anticipation of the coming Messiah.
Anna talked about the Lord. Not only did she worship like Simeon, but she spoke of Him to all that looked for redemption. So, too, if I am truly worshipping, I cannot help but witness and talk to people about the Lord.

Wow. I wonder what it would look like if I would strive to be become more like Anna...
"better and blessed"...

vacation!!

It's been a great start to my Christmas vacation.

on Saturday, I met an email friend for the first time and the boys and I went to our 'life group' Christmas party. We played Dirty Santa and I am now the proud owner of a bag of donuts. (Well, actually, my sister is now the owner...)

I headed to C-ville yesterday to have dinner with my favorite people. I spent the night with more favorite folks and enjoyed brunch this morning with my favorite gals.
My great friend, BWM, presented me with a scrapbook of lovely thoughts and stories written by Thayer's C-ville friends. What an amazing Christmas gift. I wept as I read through it last night. I loved reading about how others will remember Thayer.
nice stuff :-)

I absolutely LOVE road trips!!!
Going and coming from C-ville, I enjoyed singing and listening to all of my favorites from Andrew, Brandon, Francesca and Shawn.
A lovely drive.
I enjoy talking with God during my trips. He spoke to me by showing me a bumper sticker that read:
Don't believe everything you think.

so true.
I have been very doubtful about things lately and it's quite possible that Satan is deceiving me with crazy thoughts.
God reminded me that He is in control and that I just need to chill out.
He's been so good at reminding me in such gentle ways :-)

I'm looking forward to visiting with family and friends over the next two weeks!!!

The Story

okay. so andrew Peterson wrote on his blog about this really cool children's Bible.

The Jesus Storybook Bible.

And since he recommended it... I had to purchase it right away... :-)

It arrived the other day and I was so excited.

I sat to read it with the boys and they were hooked!! The storytelling is amazing. I have to make myself stop reading this at night. Otherwise I think I could read it all at once.

Here's just a taste of what's written by Sally Lloyd-Jones:

No, the Bible isn't a list of rules, or a book of heroes. The Bible is most of all a Story. It's an adventure story about a young Hero who comes from a far country to win back his lost treasure. It's a love story about a brave Prince who leaves his palace, his throne--everything--to rescue the one he loves. It's like the most wonderful of fairy tales that has come true in real life!

You see, the best thing about this Story is--it's true.

There are lots of stories in the Bible, but all the stories are telling one Big Story. The Story of how God loves his children and comes to rescue them.

It takes the whole Bible to tell this Story. And at the center of the Story, there is a baby. Every Story in the Bible whispers his name. He is like the missing piece in a puzzle--the piece that makes all the other pieces fit together, and suddenly you can see a beautiful picture.

What a great reminder for me!

I've had a few moments today when I lost a little of my hope.

And just reading this passage reminds me... again... that Jesus is my rescuer. He is my hope and my future.

I love this book!

what a ride

Tomorrow marks four calendar months since Thayer's death.
I just read through my personal journal entries from August through mid september.
Wow. I've come a long way... emotionally and spiritually.

I have gotten the hang of "being" without Thayer.
That may sound harsh... but it's true. I manage to breath, live and get through the day without him around. Our new normal isn't as painful as it could be. I am amazed at the strength that God has provided.

But don't get me wrong... I read my journal and wept. Those first responses to his death can be instantly relived. The reality of him really not being here can sink in, over and over. I still flash-back to those initial feelings and thoughts.

I can basically choose to wallow in those thoughts... or choose to turn and see God.
I have chosen to turn and see God... and it has been a wild ride.
I have experienced the deep pain of loss but also gained the amazing joy of surrendering my plans to God.
I have learned so much about faith and trust and hope.
I have learned that I can cry from sadness and sing praises to God simultaneously. (that amazes me!)
I have learned that God often sends encouragement from special people when I least expect it. And for that... I am truly thankful.

I know that I have a long way to go in my journey. I pray that I can keep focused on the road ahead of me.... while Jesus takes the wheel.

feet

I happened to find a post-it note that I had given to Thayer. I think he had been out of town on business or something...
It says:

If two lie down together, they will keep warm;

but how can one be warm alone? Ecclesiastes 4:11

My feet missed you...

me too.

Jill

As most of you know... my feet have been FROZEN for months now. So it was very fitting that I run across this old note.
(I've been taking scalding showers at night... and I have new slippers... so things are improving.)

I am prayerful that God will let my feet be warmed again soon. ;)

Full Moon

I enjoyed a great Ladies Night this evening (friday night). 8 of us hung out and played Dirty Santa.
I am now the proud owner of 300 Fold-top sandwich bags.
Good times.

I thoroughly enjoyed being kid-free tonight.
My great friend, LT, and I went for an extremely late night walk. I love getting outdoors at night... it was a great night for a walk... clear skies and gorgeous weather.

LT and I were armed with our Mag-Lites... just in case. I'm pretty sure we could have blinded and bludgeoned anyone that bothered us ;-)

We saw a family of deer cross the road. I tried to get LT to stand in one spot.
If she would have been trampled by a deer, it would have been a great story for the blog. maybe next time.

anywho.
Upon returning home I realized that tonight is the official full moon. Exactly 4 moons since Thayer died. I can still remember the bright sleepless night of his death.
Tonight is very similar... but colder.
Just a reminder that the world keeps moving... seasons change...
And so do we.

It's interesting that I cried for about an hour this afternoon and then experienced such joy tonight. I continue to be amazed at how God created us. I am thankful for the full gamut of emotions that God allows us to experience.

weeping may remain for a night, but rejoicing comes in the morning.
Psalm 30:5 b

the widow's oil

I have been listening to Andrew Peterson's Resurrection Letters CD... like a crazy person. I have chosen Andrew- over Christmas music- for days now.

In the song "All You'll Ever Need", AP refers to the story of the widow's oil from 2 Kings 4:1-7. (read it!)

Andrew sings:
The blood of Jesus, it is like the widow’s oil: it’s enough to pay the price to set you free. It can fill up every jar and every heart that ever beat. When it’s all you have it’s all you’ll ever need.

When I first heard this song, I couldn't get past the word "widow".... that was such an ugly word... that was me.
But I am learning more and more about how I can claim the story of the widow's oil for myself.

Yes, I'm officially a widow and my world has been tossed about....
But I've got all that I need!!
Jesus IS that oil that fills up my heart and sets me free!
When I keep focused on Him- I am free from doubt, free from worry, free from fear, free from loneliness, free from sadness.... just plain ol' free.

I must admit that I've been a mess of emotions for several weeks. I've been elated, confused, sad, angry, etc. etc.
But in the midst of all of these emotions, I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that I've got all that I need. I know that God is in complete control of my circumstances and that I have nothing to fear.

I am counting on my jar of Oil to sustain me.

months

Well, it has happened.
I totally forgot to blog on week 15 and week 16 following Thayer's death.
I had wondered when I would lose track.
I was sure that every Saturday would bring me great sadness in remembering.
But I guess I have reached the point where the hurt has lessened.
In fact, I didn't even think about the accident yesterday... at all. It was just a normal old Saturday... a great day.
I'm wondering if I should be relieved that things are getting easier... or should I worry that I'm recovering too quickly?
I know that God mends hearts at different times and there is no "correct" time for one person to grieve. I'm praying that my heart will get mended sooner than later. There's alot of life left to live and I want to be able to enjoy it.

So as I am approaching the 4 month anniversary of my husband's death, I am given hope that things will get better.

still clinging...
For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Jeremiah 29:11

the AP concert

I'm floating tonight.
The concert was amazing... and I'm continuing the worship here at home.

It's hard to sing and type at the same time, so please overlook any errors tonight. ;)

I've been looking forward to Andrew Peterson's show in Richmond for months!
My lovely bro-in-law called this afternoon to inform me that the concert was SOLD OUT.
And we didn't have tickets yet. (yep... poor planning and poor communication)
oops.
I was okay with the initial disappointment... because God has already taught me alot about changes in plans...

But I was also willing to do just about anything to get into that show.
My sister, my bro-in-law and I decided to make the 2 hour trek and try our luck at getting in.
I was ready to beg, plead, sneak in a back door, or whatever it took to see my man in concert.
I felt like some kid trying to get into a rock concert. I felt young and adventurous. :-)
Fortunately... we arrived early enough to snag extra tickets and we were in the door and ready for the show to begin. My friend from work was there too, and she saved us front row seats. nice.

I was pleasantly surprised when Andrew opened up by dedicating the song "More"..... to ME!!!
How very kind. Gotta love that guy!

I loved the show.... Andrew was joined by an amazing group of musicians. It was great to hear them individually and their combined talents produced a beatiful and powerful presentation.
Of course Andrew and his songs were my favorite :-)

We didnt stick around after the show but I sure would have liked to have given Andy a squeeze.
maybe next time ;)

Christmas is coming...

I realized this morning at church that the holidays are going to be way harder than I expected.

The Advent candle was lit and we sang Christmas songs.
My mind instantly flooded with the Christmas traditions that Thayer and I had started with the kids. I was reminded of all of the activities that Thayer initiated for our family during the month of December.
I'm sensing a big hole this year.

This evening, we returned to Thad's church for some family Advent activities. I was weary about going at first because I knew that it would be weird doing "family" activities when our family isn't complete. I decided that it's just the first of many Christmas activities that I'll need to do... for the kids and for myself.
It turned out being a great time of fellowship and both boys got to make a Nativity. We worked together as a family and I was glad that we went.

What I wouldn't give to have Thayer here for the fun this year. But I know that I've got to keep on living and enjoying this season with my boys.

Wishing that our family were complete, I find myself extremely agitated with folks that don't appreciate the families that they have! I am so disheartened when husbands or wives place their priorities on the wrong things. For goodness sakes, if you have a spouse and kids... everything should be put aside in order to celebrate this Christmas season with your family! Nothing is too important for you to miss precious time with your loved ones.
I have learned first hand how a "family" can be snatched out from under you in a moment. So please take my word for it and...put your priorities in order people!

Just a friendly rant from your neighborhood widow.

Happy Holidays.

thankful

As we sat around yesterday I wondered what in the world I am thankful for.....
the answer was easy....
SO MUCH!

On Sunday, the pastor told a story (this was the gist of it):
A little girl, dying of cancer, had started a list of what she was thankful for. After she passed away, the nurses found the list under her pillow. She had come up with over 1400 things that she was thankful for.

To think that a little girl, dying, in a hospital bed could think of that many... shouldn't we be able to think of even more?!

No matter what life throws at us, I believe that God multiplies the good stuff over and over. Sometimes we have to look for it and sometimes it's obvious. I have been challenging myself to ponder upon all of the great things that God is doing.

L announced during the children's sermon that he was thankful for his Dad.
Yep, we are thankful for Thayer. The boys and I have talked about how we are thankful that he is hanging out with Jesus right now.

Sure... I am pretty ticked-off that he's not here with us, and his absence has made our thanksgiving noticably different this year. We are lonely without him.
But at the same time, I am so thankful for the time that we were able to spend with him here on earth. I am thankful that my boys had some time with their Dad.

I can think of kids all over the globe who have never known a father. An earthly father, or our Heavenly one.
I am reminded that things could be so much worse.

I am thankful for hope.
I am thankful for love.
I am thankful as I have seen God's hand in our circumstances.
I am thankful for family and friends who have kept us company during our loneliness.
I am thankful for friends with listening ears.
I am thankful for God's bountiful blessings that reveal themselves during each day....
for shelter, for food, for clothing....

we are blessed!

the power of IKEA

Since becoming a single mom, it's been so easy to sit back and think about all of the things that I can not do. Those thoughts can easily lead to a vicious cycle of feeling helpless.
All of the house projects that have come to a halt, all of the fix-it jobs that I'm clueless about, all of those power tools that I can't even name... much less know how to use!

I never knew that a simple trip to IKEA would inspire me to take charge of what I can do. Not that I bought anything, or got any ideas from the store... but after our trip I got to thinking about the little things that I could do around the house.
The kids and I talked about how they would like to share a room, with bunkbeds. We discussed different decorating ideas.
Then my mind wandered into creating a welcoming guest room in our house, painting my bedroom, painting my existing picture frames, and finally getting that color on my living room wall.
I am regaining confidence that there ARE house projects that I can do. Simple things that can change our environment and give us a fresh start.

I'm excited about returning home and tackling some of these things during our Christmas break.
I know that painting and re-organizing is a small step in the grand scheme of things but I feel like it's a big step in re-claiming a tiny bit of my life.
I can either dwell on what I can't do , or try some new things on my own.

Of course I know that I'm not superwoman... so if you're a big strong guy who can move furniture...you can be expecting a call from me soon :-)

repetition

The boys had another great day.
We enjoyed Thad's church this morning, the kids napped this afternoon, we went to a train museum, and then headed to spend an evening with Thad and Jenn's friends. Great times.

The most rewarding part of the day was tonight at bedtime.
For several weeks, I have been trying to get a good routine going before our prayer time. I have asked the boys each night to name one good thing that happened that day, one bad thing that happened that day, and one thing that they are thankful for.
When I initially started this round of questioning, they would totally ignore the questions, make goofy noises, or state really dumb answers. But as time has progressed, they have become accustomed to this new practice.
Last night they had pretty good answers for each category.
And tonight.... D reminded me to ask!!!! They both wanted to share the good, bad, and thankful thing for the day. That is HUGE!!
I am so thankful that the repetition is starting to form into a good habit!! yay!!
I am praying that our evening routines will continue to improve and that the boys and I can share sweet moments together.

Please continue to pray that I can love them well....

14 weeks

It has been helpful being around Thayer's family this week. I like the memories that they share of Thayer. They have their own unique memories to share because they have the most history with Thayer. We haven't talked extensively about Thayer so far... but I know we are all on the same page... sharing the obvious thoughts and mentioning the little things that come to mind.

Thad and I headed to the zoo today with our 5 kids. We were posing as a family today in order to buy a zoo membership. We had a great time. The kids were AWESOME today!!

Yes, it's an interesting thing hanging out with my brother-in-law... without his brother... without my husband.
I secretly enjoyed dating Thad today. hehe
I am blessed that Thad has been very accepting of me and the kids. Not that he really has a choice :-)
I love to be related to him through marriage. I'm blessed to have such a great extended family. And my boys are SUPER lucky to have great supportive men around. (not only Thad but the men back at home as well!!)

Continuing to thank God for our amazing support system....

transition

He redeemed my soul from going down to the pit, and I will live to enjoy the light.

(Job 33:28 niv)

Yestereday was termed our "day of transition". We decided to stay close to home and hang out around the house.

It turns out that I had WAY too much time to think, and put myself on an emotional downward spiral.

I think it all boils down to the fact that we were immersed into this beautiful family and I watched Thad be a wonderful father and a loving uncle. It was a painful reminder of what I have lost.

I was reminded about what a slacker I have been as a mom.

I just haven't had anything to give...

I knew that I wanted today to be MUCH better. I am always thankful when God gives us a chance to start again each morning.

I decided that I'd go on a walk with God when I woke. So we headed out.

I am amazed at the climate of Arizona this time of year. Perfect to say the least. The weather is amazing, the trees are green, the bushes are blooming. Just beautiful.

As I am noticing the blooms on the bushes and thinking about the falling leaves in Virginia I could hear God compare the leaves to my "old" life. and the blooms to my "new" life.

I could hear Him say "for the old things have passed away... I am making everything new!"

(yeah, I know those phrases from Revelation refer to the new heaven and the new earth... but it seemed to hit me right where I could understand.)

Then I also remembered what a new friend, who also lost her husband, wrote to me last night. She basically said that we can't change God's plans... "so why not try to get busy living".

Great point.

I can either sit around and wallow in what I have lost... or face my "new" life with excitement. I think it's time that I start offering more to my children so they can also start to grasp what God

may have in store for us. If I'm going to tackle this gig of being a single mom... it's about time I start doing it right.

so... it turns out that yesterday was not solely our day of transition. But this time away from home may be the start of a true transition into our new lives.

Please pray that I can stay positive, stay focused on God, and accept what the future may hold.

"trip" to Arizona

Since I've had kids, I tend to get motion sickness when I ride on airplanes.
After my first experience with simply wanting to die, on one of those turbulent rides, I started taking Dramamine before each flight.
Let me tell you... it's nice.
On one flight, a few years ago, I watched the woman next to me grip the seat and pray to Jesus for about 30 minutes straight. And I was as cool as a cucumber. ;)

Honestly, I think it should be renamed "DrowsyMe".
I popped those pills today and I was out cold by the time the plane reached cruising altitude. I slept like a baby. Except I don't think I drooled... this time.
The kids and Granny did great on the plane (I assume). We had tons of activity books, coloring books, travel games etc.

Someone even complimented me on how well behaved the boys had been. Perhaps we should fly more often!

The worst part of the morning was when the plane was on the taxiway and I suddenly remembered that Thayer wasn't on the plane with us. This was our first trip without him. I was taken aback by my sadness in the moment.

Overall, it was a good day.
A LONG....14 hour day of travel... but a good one. I successfully maneuvered two hyper boys and Granny J. through two airports.
Thanks to everyone who was praying for our travels!!

my rings

This morning I switched my wedding rings to my right hand.
I have been thinking about doing this for weeks. I was afraid that it would be too difficult. Not just emotionally... (but I seriously think that they'll get stuck on my right hand and be too difficult to remove.)
But I went ahead and did it.
My left ring finger looks skinny and white where the rings have been for over 10 years (if you include our engagement).
I had a brief moment of despair as I felt my empty finger. But then I was glad that I have come to this particular point of acceptance.
I really am single. And I realize that's okay. This is a big step for me... to flaunt my "condition."

I initially didn't want to remove my rings because I didn't want to look like one of those "single moms". I wanted to feel like I was still connected and protected.
I have quickly learned, over these months, that I don't have any right to judge moms who lack wedding rings. They could very well be in my own situation.

My plan for the new year is to have a jeweler design a new ring that will be made from my rings and Thayer's wedding band. I will plan to wear the new ring on my right hand in memory of Thayer and the time that we shared.

Brilliant side note :
My friend at work immediately thought I was shedding the rings in order to pick-up men at the airport tomorrow.
I hadn't thought about that till now....
haha

Who needs Disney?

Who needs Disney when you can spend $8 and experience the awe of a child?

The boys and I visited the most marvelous, fascinating, place of merriment and amusement today.
I picked them up after school and went to the CAR WASH!!!

I have realized that it is perfectly acceptable for a single woman to frequent the drive thru- brushless car wash. We splurged and got the $8 wash for the first time. Wow... it was WAY better than the $5 wash. Several more sprays and even a dry!! lovely.
I had such a great time watching D and L's faces as the soap and water were sprayed on the van. You would think that they were in heaven. They would toss themselves from one side of the van to the other....as the water passed by. They laughed with glee and watched each cycle with excitement.
Amazing.

I have also realized that it is perfectly acceptable to order pizza when your "back-up dinner" food has been frostbitten. No one really wanted those fish sticks anyway... yuck.
Ham and Pineapple pizza from Papa Johns is our favorite :-)

a great week

As we head into Monday, I look back on the past week and smile.

I had no idea that "happiness" could reenter my life so quickly. I'd say the majority of my moments this week were happy! Thank you God!
yes, I had my brief moments of wimpering- but overall, things were good.
And I am also aware that "sadness" is always just a thought away. When I least expect it.
Today, while driving, I teared-up because there was a pretty sky-but no hand to hold, or leg to touch, in the seat next to me.
I continue to feel the emptiness of where he is physically supposed to be.

on the happier note:
I am so thankful for all of the the tidbits of encouragement that God is raining down on me. He continues to pour his blessings over me and the boys.
I have enjoyed several conversations this weekend. Some with my boys, some with family, and some with friends.
I continue to be thankful for our support system. It would be SO different if I didn't have the extra help.
Thanks, Casey, for moving that fridge!!
And thanks to the rest of you who help keep me sane... the list is long!

13 weeks

I am wondering when I will start to refer to "months" rather than weeks. But for now... it has been 13 weeks since Thayer's death.

As I used a shop-vac in my basement this morning ... I briefly thought... this is what Thayer is supposed to be doing. But now it's my job and I am okay with it.
I have found that I can do alot more than I thought.
For instance...just about every light bulb in this crazy house has blown out since Thayer's death and I have been AWESOME at changing those things! I always knew I could be good at something around here. haha.

I stood at my front door this afternoon and watched the rain fall. I looked out at the rocks that Thayer had lovingly shoveled around our front trees... just 13 weeks ago. (I am still so thankful for our last day together).
I looked out at the stone that I retrieved from the accident sight. I have placed it right next to our front porch as a gentle reminder to me as I come and go. Thayer was the cornerstone of our family and I am praying that what he started with the boys, and me, will continue and be expanded upon.

I have been extremely encouraged this week as I have been catching glimpses of how God is speaking to people through our circumstances. Several emails and phone calls have made me realize that God IS working!

Thank you God for what you are doing in the hearts of your people.... especially ME!

Awana nights

I love Wednesdays. I get to walk with my good neighbor friend while the kids are in Awanas. And another friend joined us tonight. That was fun.

But the trouble starts after I pick the kids up. As soon as I start to drive home, I remember that Thayer's not here to help with the "late" night routine. I used to love passing those wild kids over to him...
Tonight we got home around 8:40 and I was SO anxious to get those kids in bed.
I was chilled from being out in the cold so I decided to take a "quick" shower while they got ready and brushed their teeth.
I showered until I could shower no longer. I dreaded getting out of the shower because then I would have to deal with the kids.
When I finally emerged, they had done nothing to prepare for bed. So I sent them straight to bed without any prep.
I know that I sound so selfish and I think I'm almost justified to be selfish at 9pm when kids are still up and running.
Who wants to deal with kids at 9pm when there are clothes to be folded, clothes to be washed, things to be put away, lunches to be packed (or in tonight's case... checks to be written to the school cafeteria because I don't want to pack lunches..), emails and blogs to be written.
Geez. That last part sounds pretty lame, I know.
perhaps I am a tad bit selfish... but I think it's okay once a week, right?!

oh. maybe twice a week. Kids must be in bed and asleep before 9pm on Thursdays!!
The Office... need I say more?

the moment

I have always proclaimed that God is in charge, that He loves us, that He takes care of us, that He sent his only Son to save us.... that God has a perfect infallible plan, that He wins... always.

We often hear of life shattering instances that occur, when people have to choose to hold fast to their faith... or falter.
I have always wondered how I would really react if something unimaginable happened to me.

Initially when the troopers came to tell me of Thayer's death I could hardly comprehend what was being said. No way was this happening to me... not my life.... this isn't supposed to happen.
Then the thought of having to tell the boys was unimaginable.
I spilled out the news to the kids and cried.

At that moment, I remember thinking...
"this is it... this is when I choose".
I am happy to say that I had NO DOUBT who my strength would come from. At that moment, I was confident that God was in charge. Of course I was devastated, heartbroken, shattered, dazed and confused... and of course I had no idea WHY this was happening. But as I soaked in the unexpected, I had some hope that there was a bigger plan involved.
It may be years before I can see a fuller picture... or I may not know until I see God face to face.
But I am confident that God is in charge and that His plan is perfect.

I know I don't verbalize these facts as much as I should. And I'm not sure if anyone saw these thoughts in action after Thayer's death... (because of that numbing fog that enveloped me)....
but my heart held tight to the God that conquers death.
And I continue to hold tight to His promises.

clothes

I appreciate the comments and ideas that some of you have suggested regarding Thayer's clothes. (from the previous post)
I think I am loving the idea of a quilt. Two, in fact... one for each boy.
What a neat idea.
I think quilts would be a good use for some of his clothes. I know that while I sorted his clothes many of the items triggered memories for me. Since I have such a fear of forgetting the little things... the quilts might would be a good way to keep Thayer fresh in our minds.

(I can also relate to John's feelings about not wanting to "over memorialize" things.
I'm confident that I've been practical as I think about the "things" of this temporal time on earth.)

Shortly after Thayer's death, I passed a few t-shirts to D to use as pjs.
A few weeks later, I realized that my own PJs had holes in them and that I could benefit from some of Thayer's t-shirts too. Not so much of a sentimental thing... just a practical response to a need.
I basically don't want his things to get wasted or stored away. I want to be able to pass many of his clothes along to someone who can use them.

But now... with great ideas planted in my head... I need to find someone who can quilt...

12 weeks

The Good, The Bad, and the Ugly

The good:
The boys and I enjoyed a vacation this weekend.
yep, a "vacation"... less than a mile away at my parent's house. We packed our things and spent the night on Friday. It was another great "get-away". I enjoyed sleeping until 9:15 this morning. My Dad fixed eggs, biscuits and bacon for breakfast. What a treat!
It has been nice for me to remove myself from our house for brief times. It "forces" me to forget about laundry, dishes and house stuff just for a day.
I know that I am SUPER fortunate to have family and friends that will "take us in" in a moment's notice.
I also realize that many single parents don't ever get a break... so I am counting my blessings!!

I have been intentionally trying to slow down a bit lately. I was really proud of myself for coming home from work the other day and sitting to watch a movie on TV. (that is unheard of for me....)

The Bad:
Tonight, I needed to clean out our...um... my... dresser drawers. I was making room for some new clothes and sorting out the ones to give away. I started with my drawers. My bottom drawer accumulates random "stuff". I ran across a box of cards and notes that Thayer and I exchanged... mostly in our first few years. (most of them were from me... since I am a sucker for sending cards). I cried while reading all of the references to "many more years" and "can't imgine my life without you", etc. etc.
We were so young and in love :-)

The Ugly:
I decided to go ahead and tackle some of Thayer's drawers since I could always use extra space for my clothes.
I cried as I tossed out his old socks and worn boxers.
As I sorted through his t-shirts and pants, I realized that his shirt from Duck, NC and his new brown shorts were missing........the outfit that he was wearing when he died. :(
More tears.
I was able to make a pile for Goodwill and a pile for the trash. But the remaining clothes gave me pause. I have saved several t-shirts and pants (and a closet full that I haven't tackled yet) hoping that someone I know can maybe use them. (if you don't mind "dead man's clothes"...please call me and come browse!)

on a brighter note...
I giggled through the tears as I threw out Thayer's bright red sweatpants that he used to wear under jeans in the winter months to keep himself warm. Several of the items that I tossed made me laugh. Ugly old t-shirts and hideous plaid shorts that he would occasionally wear- just to mess with me. :-)
I miss his playfulness.

I miss everything.

technical stuff

Technical #1

I have added an email address to my profile so that some of you can contact me.
I would especially like to hear from "Patty" who responded to my last post...

Technical #2
I'm having problems with facebook. When I open the sign-in page, it immediately opens with "error on page". The error message follows me through every page. I can read everything and go from tab to tab but I can't comment, respond or type- to add, or send anything.
Any advice on what to do?!
My inbox and requests are piling up and I can't do anything about it!! frustrating....

not really technical #3
I'm looking to get a head count of who would like to go to the Andrew Peterson show in Richmond, VA on December 5th. please comment to this post if you are interested...

yard fairies

I've been meaning to thank my "normal" yard fairies in print for some time. Since Thayer's death, my parents have been doing the bulk of my yard work... well... all of my yard work. I've had good intentions but my time has been so short lately. Usually by the time I get around to thinking about the yard, my parents have already showed up and taken care of it. Many thanks are due to my Dad for driving his mower almost a mile just to work in my yard!

I came home yesterday and thought to myself... wow! The yard looks great! Did Dad take time off of work to come and rake leaves?!
But something seemed "different" yesterday. And the neighbor kids confirmed that it wasn't my Dad.

It turns out that an actual, real live, yard fairy showed up with his equipment and took care of the yard yesterday! What a blessing!!

So to my anonymous yard fairy (I think I know who you are...)
Thank you! Thank you! Thank you!
You have blessed us in many ways...
You have not only helped ME but you also gave my poor parents a MUCH needed break!! :-)
We really appreciate your servant's heart!

relief

Ahhh... what a breathe of fresh air I've had....
It was super nice spending time with our lovely friends last night and today. I enjoyed being away from home, chatting with my friend, and just "being".

I think the part of the trip that I am most thankful for was this morning. I heard the kids up early but I just kept sleeping.
I heard them ask for breakfast but I just kept sleeping.
I slept until I could sleep no more... which ended up being 8:30am (come on!!... you think I could do better than that!!)
I think it was an awesome morning because we didn't have anywhere to go AND I wasn't the only responsible adult around who needed to feel obligated to feed the children.
This chance to sleep in, with no responsibilities, was the first opportunity that I've had since Thayer died.
It was such a relief to be able to RELAX!!!
Thanks Reg.... you are a blessing!!

11 weeks

Today has been "interesting", for lack of a better word.
Things have been going well today but I've hit several moments that have taken me by surprise.
Several scenes that followed Thayer's death have replayed in my head and really "hit home".
I just can't comprehend many of those moments. I was up, walking about, submerged in the business of funerals... and people... lots of people.
Now, looking back on many of those moments, I am horrified. How in the world did we get through those days?
I know that it was the hand of God that helped numb the reality of a real nightmare. And I am tremendously thankful for the family and friends, who were also grieving, that kept me together and walked me through the process.

As several "scenes" passed through my mind today... I am reminded that I have done the unimaginable.
I have sat on the porch as troopers announced my husband was "deceased". I had to sit my kids down and tell them that their Dad wasn't coming home. I've made the blubbering, gut wrenching, call to an only brother. I've had to walk into a funeral home and sign papers for cremation and give information for an obituary. I've had to pick out funeral songs. I've had to pick out clothes for a viewing. I've had to look at a beautiful, but dead, body of someone who was too young to die. I've held an icy cold hand that used to bring such warmth. I've had to walk into a funeral service for my husband, holding the hands of two young boys. I've been given a box of ashes that represents the man of our house... reduced to dust.

I can see glimpses of these moments... they have been etched in my mind. The unimaginable has really happened. Never in a million years do we think it can happen to us...
think again.
love your family! cherish every moment.

I yelled at a chicken tonight

We were given a lovely rotisserie chicken for dinner this evening. It was great!
I figured that I would just cut the meat off of the bones to save as leftovers.
It occured to me that Thayer always handled the dead animals. He was good at saving every edible piece.
I attempted to start the butchering and pretty much mutilated the bird.
I could hear Thayer... in my mind's ear... say "you're not getting all of the meat.... that part is good... save this" etc. etc.
Before I knew it, I yelled...

"If YOU were here, YOU could do it!!!"

Boy, that instantly felt weird. Imagine me at the kitchen counter screaming... with nothing but a chicken as a witness. Pretty humorous.
I have "talked" to Thayer several times since his death but this was actually funny. It was unplanned and unprovoked... well pretty much unprovoked... (except for what my mind was saying)
My mind can be a dangerous place.
:-)

reentry

My neighbor's husband came home today after being away, on the job, for weeks.
I wonder if his return lived up to the expectations of my friend and her kids. I wonder if there was a happy reunion, kind words shared, time spent together?
Or I wonder if his entrance back to home life was a bit bumpy.

I can remember when I would go away with friends for a weekend. I would have a BLAST being a "person" again... without any "mommy" responsibilties.
My reentry to "reality" was always very rough. I'd walk back into a messy house with loud kids. It was often such a plunge back to normalcy that I would be very grumpy with Thayer and the kids. Back to laundry, back to dishes, etc. etc. ugh.

And now that Thayer is gone, I can't help but wonder... if God suddenly said to Thayer, "sure, go back down there for a while. Only Jill will remember that you were gone. Everything else will go
back to normal..."
What would I do? Would I be a better wife? A better mother? Would I treasure every moment together? Would I be a better listener? An encourager? Would I be supportive and loving?
If I had a chance to do it all over again... how would I be?

I feel like we get so caught up with "life" that we forget to live.
We forget to love those who we love most.
We waste so much time.

I also wonder how I will be in the future.
I am prayerfully hoping that through this experience God is fashioning me for something greater.
Malachi 3:3 says: "He will sit as a refiner and purifier of silver." I am thankful that He is right here with me while the flames are the hottest.

10 weeks

Still surreal.

I find myself so busy these days with fabulous fall fun, that my tears aren't flowing as often as I wish they would.
But just as I start to beat myself up about not crying, I open Thayer's t-shirt drawer and the faucet turns on again.
In a way, I am so relieved that I am able to feel this saddness. And at the same time, I am amazed at how God has created me.
I am finding joy all around me and yet I can still mourn.
God has done an amazing work in me... by preparing me to be able to meet the challenge of Thayer's death. There is no way I'd be engaged in life if God weren't right here, holding me together.
I am so thankful.
Sad... but thankful.

Beautiful, Beautiful

by Francesca Battistelli

Don't know how it is you looked at me

and saw the person that I could be

Awakening my heart, breaking through the dark

Suddenly Your Grace

Like sunlight burning at midnight

Making my life something so beautiful, beautiful

Mercy reaching to save me, all that I need

You are so beautiful, beautiful

Now there's a joy inside I can't contain

But even perfect days can end in rain

And though it's pouring down, I see You through the clouds

Shining on my face

I have come undone, but I have just begun,

Changing by Your Grace

Psalm 146:9

The Lord watches over the alien and sustains the fatherless and the widow.

I think our family should pretty much be covered...

new look!!

John Mark, thanks so much for the wonderful blog makeover! I am loving the sharp new look! I appreciate your time and talents :-) I didn't have a clue how to do it and I am so thankful for smart people in my life.

I must ask everyone... doesn't the shape in the top left corner look like a smiling dinosaur head? gotta love it!

the clutter

I think I have alot of time on my hands tonight and I seem to be in a goofy mood...so stay with me here.

As I have been assessing the mess in my house, I am realizing that you can tell alot about a person by their clutter.

For instance, let's observe the picture below. This is the pile that I mentioned in my last post. The ever growing pile of stuff that has captured the carpet next to my bed.

Here is what an ingenious onlooker may be able to determine about me:

1. my photos are here! and I don't have a clue what to do with them. That's why they are in the floor. ugh.

2. Thayer's ashes are close to me. (Not because I need them to be... but because I tripped over them in other areas of my room.)

3. That flashlight is there...so I can beat intruders over the head if necessary. (My Dad should be proud)

4. Tissues... for those late night tears.

5. Thayer's Bible on top of the "to-be-read" pile of books. It's noteworthy that the Bible is on the TOP of that pile. I do read it daily.

6. The other books that I read snippets from are tossed about. (this photo is probably a good advertisement for Matthew Paul Turner).

I am aware that none of this is even remotely interesting to you. I just felt like posting a picture. :-)

Maybe I'll post an "after" picture... after I decide to pick up the junk.

where we live

Our house is getting out of control.
Those of you who know me, know that I do not like clutter. I usually like to have things put away, out of sight. (usually stuffed in a drawer or closet... but out of sight).
Lately we have been so busy that things have just stayed where they have fallen.

Picture this at my house:
The kitchen countertops are collecting things. The living room floor is covered with library books. The hallway is littered with rubberbands, matchbox cars and books.
My room has become a "catch-all" with folded laundry on the dresser, 3 pairs of shoes in the floor, a bag of clothes for Goodwill, a pile of unread books and Thayer's ashes by my bed. (oh.. the ashes are in the box, of course... not literally "piled") hehe
D and L's rooms look like a scene from a violent movie.
Our basement family room is still full of the tent that I put up for D's sleepover ( I need to fit that thing back into it's tiny bag! (someone help!!) (Jim?!?)
Blankets are scattered in the floor and boy toys are thrown around... all out of place!!
The basement stairs are covered in cat hair and dust, and the cat litter needs to be dumped and replaced.
All of this to say that my environment is starting to wear me down! and I really don't have the motivation, yet, to straighten things up. whew.
It usually only takes less than an afternoon for me to pull myself together and it WILL happen before Halloween... so no worries :o)

But this is what I realized today:
Usually if the house were to deteriorate to this state, Thayer would instantly know that it starts to affect my ability to be pleasant :-)
I would notice him on occasion, running around the house putting things away, doing odd chores, etc. I would feel SO loved by his actions. He either loved me alot... or was just trying to avoid the inevitable emotional breakdown that I could have on such an occasion. Probably the latter.

It's all of these little things, that I am starting to notice, that I miss.
And they are also rude reminders that I really am a widow (such an ugly word) and a single mom. It's up to me to get the house and myself in order these days... I can only rely on God to motivate me as needed. Please pray that I can do the housework and get myself straight in the process. :-)

the fish

D and L both won fish at a fall festival a couple of weekends ago. At first the kids put them in fish bowls but the fish looked so sad and way too placid. The fish needed some bubbly water, I was sure. I also warned the boys that these "festival" fish may not live long... especially after a small child (who will remain nameless) RAN through a field with a bagged fish. ugh.

Both boys decided to use their birthday money to buy one-gallon aquariums for their rooms. A very nice investment of birthday money, I must say. (only $10 at Walmart!)

The fish instantly came alive and enjoyed their new surroundings. Happy happy.

D and L have been very diligent at feeding the fish twice daily... one or two flakes at each feeding.

We had a late night tonight and when I was putting L to bed, I asked if he had fed the fish this evening. Upon looking in the aquarium...

The fish is dead.

uh-oh.

I know that L would be devastated... so I broke the news pretty much the same way I broke the news of thayer's death.... there's just no easy way to do it!!

And, yes, L cried and cried. First about the fish. And then about Thayer.
I cried about Lucas' sadness and then about Thayer. We were quite a sight.
L mentioned that TWO family members have died.... and he said that this is the 2nd worse night ever.
I reminded him that this night was WAY better than the night Thayer died. I reminded him that that night was the worst night of our lives. He agreed.

L was crying that he hoped the fish was being taken care of in heaven. Then I mentioned that perhaps Thayer had just gotten a new fish in heaven... it could have been Lucas' fish. (I know... a little lofty... )

It was just a sad ending to our really nice night.

We flushed the fish, said a little prayer for the fish (I know, I know) and we said a little prayer for Lucas.
I laid with him until he cried himself to sleep, again.

On a bright note, L stopped crying long enough to ask if he could have a new fish... maybe a blue one or a black one next time.
Sure... we can easily replace the fish.
Let's hope he doesn't start requesting a new Daddy anytime soon.
:-)

cry/talk

Tonight, I sat and listened to L "cry/talk" himself to sleep. He wanted to be alone tonight which is understandable. (I do my best crying when I am alone too).
As a mother, hearing my son cry... there are just no words.
I sat in my room and prayed for him.

After hearing him tonight, I have come to a new understanding of, what I have termed, "cry/talk".
This is new for our family.... but another blogger calls it "blubbering".
That's really what it is:-)

I have realized that I seem to cry "better" if I say outloud what I am feeling. I only do this when I am alone and need a good cry. Just talking to God... telling him to send messages to Thayer... praying that Thayer can hear me for a few minutes... replaying what should have been... just saying what's on my mind, etc. etc.
The possibilities of cry/talk seem to be endless. That's why it usually ends with falling asleep.

I am writing so casually about this behavior because I find it interesting that humans are pretty much geared the same. L was never taught to blubber and I usually don't blubber but we both have started with this since Thayer's death. It seems to be a good coping mechanism for both of us.
I am so thankful that God has created us to be thinking, feeling, individuals.
And I'm really thankful that He listens to our "cry/talk".

9 weeks

We have had a great saturday. My friend,L, and my boys went with me to C-ville last night so we could wake up early to participate in a 5K walk with "my people" (as I have affectionately been calling them).
It was a blessing to spend some time with "my people". I LOVE you guys!! There is no way to verbalize how important you are to me.... you're such an encouraging group of friends.

After our quick trip to C-ville, the boys and I had some down time this afternoon before heading to our church Fall Festival. We enjoyed some time with family, with friends, with food, and songs around the bonfire. It was a relaxing fall evening.

Then, back to my reality.
It is Saturday.
During many of our fun moments, I am reminded that Thayer isn't here to share in the excitement. I mention this to the boys alot... reminding them that their Daddy would have liked 'this' or 'that'. He would have especially liked the bonfire tonight...

Thinking back upon my recent experiences, I am reminded of the first moment that I felt truly "alone".
Don't get me wrong... I KNOW that I am not alone in this.... I have so much support from family and friends and I am very grateful!! And I have been having a blast lately!

I mean "alone" in a singular form... if that makes any sense. hahahaha Oh my goodness.
(who says I'm a good writer?!)

whew. anywho, here is my story:
I vividly remember driving to the funeral home with my parents for the first time after Thayer died. The car ride was a complete haze as I looked out the window and the world was zooming by.
When we arrived I got out of the car and proceeded to the front door.
At that moment a suddenness and realization hit me. As I approached the door, no one was beside me. No hand to hold. It was very much a maiden voyage into an important place without my partner. Half of me was missing.
That feeling comes back during many events. As if I plan to look next to me and see him there. Where he should be.
I am surrounded by people, I am having fun...
but still remembering Thayer is not beside me.

Music

I have recently decided that the quickest way to become depressed is to listen to secular music. Especially sad love songs. I popped in an old Jewel CD this afternoon and the joy instantly was sucked out of me.

The GREAT news is that when I got home...

brace yourself....

the NEW Andrew Peterson CD, Resurrection Letters Volume II, was in my mailbox!!! What a pleasant and God-sent surprise!!

I'm off to listen. :-)
yay!

scrapbooking

I had time to scrapbook tonight at Bethany's event. I enjoy going once a month to catch up on our recent pics and have some girl time.

Tonight was different.
First of all, I finished a family album. The last pictures of our family... with Thayer. I held myself together pretty well since there was other conversation around to distract me. I saved my tears for home.
How ODD to complete a book that represents the end of a chapter of our lives. The last tangible pictures of our time together with Thayer.
I could let myself wallow in this sorrow for a while. It pretty much sucks.

Secondly, I started sorting through our Arizona/Colorado pictures from our trip in June. I am planning to do a digital album... having it bound and delivered to me. I know that the finished product will be lovely but I am such a dork on the computer. I hope that I am able to get it finished without too many headaches. I have a gazillion pictures to sort through and I will need to pick out the ones that I will include in the album.
Decisions, decisions!!
I am thankful that Bethany has agreed to help me with the computer aspect.

Thayer would be shocked that I am working with pictures on the computer.... I had sworn off any computer involvement.
Now look at me!! I'm a blogging fool, a facebook regular, and I'm doing stuff with digital pictures. yikes!

After I get a handle on the trip pictures, I want to start a "memory" type album of things surrounding Thayer's death. Including the obituary, articles, emails, pictures from the service, letters, etc. etc. I have so much stuff laying around and I want to organize it in a nice way... so that the boys can look back on it some day.

I also will need to start a new album for recent pictures of the boys. A "new family" album.

Gee.... I'm putting alot on my plate. I hope I can do a little at a time.

full moon

I just looked out the window and had vivid memories of the night that Thayer died. The trees are illuminated like daytime and the glow of the moon lights up even the darkest areas of our backyard.
I had a memory replay of the long night that I spent awake after hearing of Thayer's death.

And then I realized that tonight is a full moon!
I looked on the calendar and realized that August 16th was a full moon as well!

(And I had simply thought that God had illuminated the pair of trees in my neighbor's yard as a symbol of Thayer and myself. hehe. Who would have thought it was just the moon doing it's normal thing) ;)

The continuance of the moon is a reminder that time keeps on ticking... whether I'm aware of it or not. I am thankful for these gentle reminders.

Tonight also marks 8 weeks since my friend J's fiance died.
Please keep J in your prayers as she is dealing with her loss and she is also facing many decisions involving her mother, who is currently in the hospital.

compassion

My loss seems like so little compared to things I have been reading tonight.
I am amazed at all of the women who have responded to the post titled "October 15" on Angie's blog.
Please join me in praying for all of these broken families.
It's heartbreaking.

It Is Well With My Soul

This has become one of my new favorite songs :-) I just wanted to share the story behind it...

In a blur?

I am wondering if I have come out of my fog yet...

I am realizing that things are still feeling very surreal for me. I am still reminding myself, in my quiet moments, that Thayer is dead.

I have tried to think back on the first few days and weeks following Thayer's death. I can remember snippets of events but I feel like I was just floating through the motions through all of the chaos. Now that things are slowing down, I still feel a bit of disconnect with things going on around me.
When Thayer died, I thought I was thinking clearly about things...I would like to know if I seemed totally loopy to everyone else. please let me know.
Now, when I should be thinking more clearly, I think that I'm still in a state of confusion.

I'm not sure why I'm debating my sanity over my blog. But I guess you guys would tell me if I am going nuts, right?!
haha

on a brighter note. I ran across this quote tonight...

I have learned to love the darkness of sorrow, for it is there I see the brightness of God's face.
Madame Guyon

Even though I struggle with my questionable moments I can gladly say that I have seen God's brightness through it all. I am so thankful that He has shown Himself to me in countless ways through this tragedy. God has been the ONE thing that I continue to see clearly.
Praise God!

Concert

The Benefit Concert was wonderful!!
I am SO thankful for the musicians that donated their time and talents for us!! I am thankful for the behind the scenes folks who helped plan and set-up. I am thankful for the sound techs who ran the sound. I realize that there was alot of work put into tonight and I am so grateful for everything!
Thanks to those of you who came. And thanks to those of you who made donations. I am super appreciative of the support. I'm just at a loss of words to express how much the love and support means to our family.
I'm hoping that that "thank you" will cover it for now. :-)

I have been blessed in countless ways over these 8 weeks.
The music tonight was a huge blessing!
thank you!

8 weeks

It has been 8 weeks since Thayer's death.
This Saturday has not been a typical Saturday. I think it has been my first completely relaxing Saturday since our new life began.
I am thankful that D had a successful party last night.
After the party goers headed home, we enjoyed a quiet morning... Just the three of us. This has been a rarity lately... so I am thankful for our day together.
We headed to a church fall festival this afternoon and I recalled some sweet memories of the same festival last year.... when Thayer was with us.

Every Saturday, I tend to think of our times with Thayer. I try to think of what activities we would be doing as a family on any given weekend. So many weekends I would, and still do, have activities booked WAY in advance. Thayer used to be irritated that we were never "free" on the weekends.
Whenever a free Saturday appeared, I would get ready in the AM and see what Thayer would suggest for us to do as a family. Some weekends, he'd come up with a great idea and we'd head out together.... (like our last saturday together, when we visited the market). That was a rare "free" day and I am SO glad that Thayer engaged in a family day.
He could have easily said that he needed to do fix-it work, or go riding all day, or make 8 trips to Lowes, etc.
But God knew that it was an important day. I am so thankful that we spent it together as a family.

Having said that, I am beginning to really enjoy those "free" moments with my boys. True... those of you who have spent any time with me lately know that my boys are driving me nuts. But I also realize that when it's just the three of us, things are pretty nice. Perhaps I DO need to tame down on our schedule a bit. We'll see how that goes.
All in all, I am trying to grasp onto the happy moments that we can share. Knowing that it can all change in an instant.

a successful party.... maybe

I am sitting in my basement waiting for 5 kids to get to sleep.
Make that four... L just left to go to his bedroom.

We are celebrating D's birthday tonight. The kids came over after 5pm. We had pizza for dinner, D opened gifts, we played with the gifts, We ate cake and icecream, they played with gifts again, we started a camp fire, we roasted marshmallows, kids cooked hotdogs, the kids played 'hide and seek' and tag in the dark, we played "Pin the mask on Spiderman", they watched part of "Chicken Little", and played 'hide and seek' indoors.

Currently the four that our left in the basement with me are camped out in a tent. Up till now, the night has been a gem.
The settling down part is starting to wear me down. D is SO obnoxious about things and they are just LOUD. I am confident that they will fall asleep soon. Either that or I will have to separate them all and threaten their lives.
I hope that they choose to sleep ;P

the Thayer I miss

I miss the past Thayer, that I knew. the younger, thinner, glasses wearing, adventurous Thayer. The Thayer that swept me off of my feet and made me a bride and a mother.

I miss the Thayer that drove me to tears during late night "discussions". The Thayer that was so good with words that he talked in circles and eventually made me realize that everything was my fault. (haha)

I miss the Thayer that taught me that love is a choice, not a feeling.

I miss the Thayer that was a patient, loving, wonderful Dad. I could see his eyes sparkle when he spent time with the boys.

I miss the Thayer that helped mold my attitudes about life. He taught me that "worry" was useless and that it showed a distrust in God.

He taught me that is was pointless to live in fear of the bad things that could happen. He taught me that we needed to trust that God would make things okay.

I know that God placed Thayer in my life to teach me alot of things. Even though bad things have happened... I can accept them and trust that God will make things okay.

I can see how God used our conversations to prepare me for this journey. I am comforted by remembering discussions that Thayer and I had about life.

Whenever I start to miss Thayer and start to think, "This isn't fair".... I immediately stop short and remember hearing Thayer say, over and over... "Life's not fair".

Thayer knew it. Now I know it.

Life's not fair but God is good.

the little things

I think the reality of Thayer's death is slowly creeping in.
(Not smashing in as I anticipated it happening.)
I think I like the creeping way better.

Over the past weeks, I think I have been treating his death sort of in a third person view. Not intentionally... but I think that's how God designed us to cope through the beginning stages.
So much business associated with it all. So much to do and say. Many days, I am removed from my situation just by living life.
As you know, night time is my time to think.
I often find myself so busy during the day that I have to stop and remind myself, "yes, my husband is dead". Each time, it's like hearing it for the first time. But maybe a little more believeable each time.
Yes, I know he's not coming back. And we are dealing appropriately but I often have to remind myself that this is MY situation and not just something I am reading or watching. This is really MY reality.

So I am thankful that my reality is slowly occuring to me. It gives me time to process things each day.

Now that things are "slowing down", I am starting to notice many "little things" of significance to me:
-I have had to change three light bulbs this week.

-I have had to fold our queen sheets. He always folded them so well because he was tall and had long arms :-)

-I have come to the conclusion that I am responsible for getting things repaired. home and car.(Thank God for "handy" friends!!)

-The cat, who rarely goes outside, ran outside tonight. And I had to bribe him inside with cat treats... he used to come instantly when Thayer called. go figure.

-We ate at Chic Fil A tonight. It was one of the most "empty" meals I've ever eaten there. We always ate there with Thayer. (We had picked him up from work and eaten there just a few days before he died). It was one of our favorite lunch spots. We would take the kids, eat, and then enjoy some "date" time while the kids played in the play area. :-)

-Thayer's bathroom is dirty from lack of use. (This baffles me).

-I stay up WAY too late at night because he isn't here to make me go to bed. hmmm... I gotta blame somebody ;)

And tonight as I remember 8 years ago... I was in Labor with D for over 20 hours. Only Thayer would remember that he stood up and held me... all of my weight, as I leaned against him during every contraction. He was a man of steel. I think that he was more sore than I was after the delivery.
Gotta love that man:-)
My first baby will be 8 tomorrow. That's amazing.
I am so thankful that God blessed me with these two beautiful pieces of Thayer.

Job

I have thought of Job several times over the last 7 weeks. Not that I compare my loss with Job's but I have prayed that I could have faith like Job's.
I have been reading Streams In The Desert each night, by L.B. Cowman
Here are excerpts, that I like, from today's devotion:

October 4

The Lord blessed the latter part of Job's life more than the first.

(Job 42:12)

Job found his legacy through the grief he experienced. He was tried that his godliness might be confirmed and validated. In the same way, my troubles are intended to deepen my character and to clothe me in gifts I had little of prior to my difficulties, for my ripest fruit grows against the roughest wall. I come to a place of glory only through my own humility, tears, and death, just as Job's afflictions left him with a higher view of God and more humble thoughts of himself. At last he cried, "Now my eyes have seen you" (v.5)

If I experience the presence of God in His majesty throught my pain and loss, so that I bow before Him and pray, "Your will be done" (Matt.6:10), then I have gained much indeed. God gave Job glimpses of his future glory, for in those weary and difficult days and nights, he was allowed to penetrate God's veil and could honestly say, "I know that my Redeemer lives" (Job 19:25). So truly, "The Lord blessed the latter part of Job's life more than the first." from In The Hour of Silence

Trouble never comes to someone unless it brings a nugget of gold in its hand.

Apparent adversity will ultimately become an advantage for those of us doing what is right, if we are willing to keep serving and to wait patiently. Think of the great victorious souls of the past who worked with steadfast faith and who were invincible and courageous! There are many blessings we will never obtain if we are unwilling to accept and endure suffering. There are certain joys that can come to us only through sorrow. There are revelations of God's divine truth that we will receive only when the lights of earth have been extinguished. And there are harvest that will grow only once the plow has done its work. selected

tonight

It has been 7 weeks...
:(

wedding

I'm looking forward to Cathy and Cory's wedding tomorrow!!
Even as you read the rest of this post... please know that I am SO happy for C and C... and I am honored to be a part of their wedding celebration!!! I wish them the BEST!!

Tonight I watched our wedding video from April 10, 1999.

You can imagine how that went.
Thayer was way skinny and tiny... very unlike my recent Thayer. :-) I was smaller too, of course :p

All of the well wishes from family and friends included statements like, " wishing you many years of happiness".... "wishing you a long and happy marriage", "I am praying that you will have as many years together as me and my wife", "the good moments will far outweigh the bad moments", "wishing you health, happiness and a long life together", etc. etc.
I mentioned that I wanted us to "grow old together".
Thayer even said something like "we have many years, a happy life."

yeah, right. I guess we all missed the memo.
Thayer and I were married for only 9 years.

And as Thayer often told our boys... "Life's not fair".
Boy, was he right! I miss him.

only 9 years...

(but I must state that my dream as a child was to get married and have kids. I am so thankful for the few years that Thayer and I were able to share. He made my childhood dreams come true. And I have beautiful children thanks to him.
I just would have never guessed that the "married" part would be so short.)

feelings

for those of you who are expecting a fresh blog entry each day... I apologize for my "lack" yesterday.
I am SUPER proud of myself.... I made it to bed last night by 9:30 and I'm pretty sure I was asleep by 10:30!!! That is a FIRST in... well... since before Thayer died. I was up and rolling this morning without hitting the snooze button. That's a first as well.

I am shadowed by thoughts of Thayer.

I recently made the weird choice to take a whiff of his deodorant. And I instantly got a feeling of dread. (He didn't wear cologne so the deodorant smell is what I have always known.)

I also lost it today over our windows. The breeze had gotten chilly and I was shutting the windows around the house. Again, a feeling of dread over the fact that he won't be here to help keep us warm this winter.
(He was always the lumberjack who ran the wood stove. Luckily this house has a heat pump... but he was still the one who adjusted the thermostat to make things comfortable.)
Our first change of season, without him.

It's hard to explain this feeling of dread... it's a quick tight feeling in my chest accompanied by a shortness of breath and usually a whimper. It's a horrible reaction to things but it has become the norm. I am also thankful that I can feel this...that I can feel this grief.
I have also noticed more memories starting to show themselves. I am thankful that God is allowing me to "see".

on a brighter note, I am gearin up for a fun weekend. One of my best friends, Cathy, is getting married on Saturday so I get to partake in Bridesmaid fun over the next two days. I'm looking forward to some girl time and celebration.

I'm not crazy

I have learned alot about grieving over the last 6 weeks. And I know that I still have a long way to go.

But, as time passes, I am relieved to know that I am pretty normal in my thoughts and feelings. There are times during grieving that one may think that they are completely crazy. And I have felt that off and on.
(yes, I realize that I was crazy before Thayer's death ;p...) but seriously...

I was reassured of my "normal" status tonight when my friend J came to visit. As you may remember from my sept 8th post, J's fiance died just three days after Thayer.
As J and I talked, we came to the conclusion that we both have been having "interesting" thoughts about ourselves and our situations. It was a relief to know that she and I were thinking similarly.... That we are connected through our grief and that we really aren't crazy.
I am thankful that God has placed J in my life, from childhood. Even though our situations are really crappy, I am thankful that we can work through it together. And I am confident that God has a plan for us both!

sporadic thoughts

*I was pretty sure that I wasn't going to blog tonight. Pretty sure that I didn't have anything to share.
Then I felt that I NEED to do this...I need to write about whatever is on my mind. This blogging process has replaced the rough journal that I scribbled into immediately following Thayer's death. This blogging thing has become a real source of 'Thayer'apy for me. :-)

*(I used to call cleaning my 'thayer'apy.... whenever I was ticked off with Thayer... the house would sparkle) hehe

*anywho. I haven't focused too much on memories of Thayer today and I'm often fearful that I'm forgetting.
I honestly don't think I've had much time to 'remember' lately. I hope many memories will come back to me as I have more quiet time.
I did picture him, well, one time today. I could see him coming through the kitchen door in his riding suit and big helmet. His sunglasses shining. The smell of exhaust.
I just wish I could have another whiff of that dirty old smell again.

*I have thought a bit today about the 'benefit concert' scheduled for October 12th. I just don't know what to make of it.
I really don't know what to make of all of the attention that we have received since Thayer's death. Much of it has been hard to accept. I am amazed at how kind and generous people have been. But at the same time, our little family is not used to being in the spotlight.
I suddenly feel like a wallflower who has been unexpectedly asked to dance.
"Who me?? Are you talking to me? I've been standing over here all this time... I've been content to stand here and drink punch..." and all of a sudden, I'm under the disco ball with a crowd of people around.

Okay, probably not to that extent... but that's the only way I can begin to describe the weirdness of it all.

I am truly appreciative of everthing that folks are doing for us. I'm often speechless as I contemplate the Body of Christ. God continues to use all of you to speak directly to me. In His own way, He's asking me to dance... how can I turn down the coolest guy in the universe??

So...all of that completely weird story to say:
Thanks to everyone for EVERYTHING! I am so amazed. I have been ministered to in countless ways and I am very thankful!

6 weeks

I just received the audio of Thayer's memorial service, from Thad, in the mail today. It seemed fitting that I listen to it tonight... on the 6 week anniversary of Thayer's death.

Imagine me sitting at my kitchen table.... really hearing the service this time.
Hearing the wonderful lyrics from "my friend" Andrew ;), hearing the amazingly encouraging message from Mark, hearing the wonderful personal stories about Thayer.
I initially had lots of tears... the kind that are accompanied by a dripping nose. Yep, that kind of cry, but it felt good to get it out.

But to my surprise... imagine me at the kitchen table, just moments later... having a sweet, sweet time of worship with my God as I sang along with the songs from the service! Truly a blessed time.
I am amazed at how God is reaching through this funk and continually showing Himself to me. Helping me see Him through it all. When everything else seems unknown to me, I rest in the fact of knowing Him.
"The steadfast love of the Lord never ceases. His mercies never come to an end. They are new every morning. Great is thy faithfulness O Lord..."

The Office

yes, TV at it's best :-)

At 8:55 I ran around the house looking for remote batteries. (the kids always loose them?!)
I decided I'd have to live without the batteries and settled in with a blanket on the couch.
I laughed outloud as I watched the long awaited premiere. (I loved the fruit in the vending machine!!)

Anywho.... Thayer ALWAYS muted the commericials... and I had gotten used to it. Since I didn't have a working remote and I didn't want to get off the couch, I was tortured having to listen to the commercials!! Thinking that Thayer would have gone nuts. (I've realized that he was right about how annoying commercials can be!)

I was fine for the first few minutes until I looked up and saw our wedding picture on the mantel. A kissing picture. From that point on, I cried during every commercial...

Thayer's absence was screamingly present tonight.

The Office was "our" show. The one show that we always watched together. (and really the only show we ever watched.)

As the show concluded and 'Jim' proposed to 'Pam', I squealed with excitement and then cried as I remembered the moment that Thayer proposed to me.
We were supposed to grow old together.
What does God have planned for me?

my book list

I've recently become a reader. Not seriously... but I've torn through some books on grief and my stack of "to read" is getting larger.

I started reading Into the Deep last night. Wow. This guy lost his entire family in a flash flood. It is tremendously heartbreaking to read.
I know that my situation isn't nearly as devastating as this man's experience but I have found myself underlining sentences in the book.... I can relate to many of his feelings. And I also relate to the comfort that he received from God. It is truly a God thing that we humans can survive such loss. This is a good book!!!

I also bought two books today that are next on my list.
-A Grief Observed (by C.S. Lewis)
and
-A Travel Guide to Heaven (by Anthony Destefano) This one looks like fun.

When I am ready to move away from grief type books I have purchased My Single Mom Life (by Angela Thomas). I'm hoping it will be an encouragement to me as I move forward.

Enough about the books... It's just super weird that I've got a stack of them to read...
let me know if you'd like to read along with me!

My new friend, George

So, I've met a new friend. I spotted him at Walmart yesterday and decided to bring him home. He was kind enough to sit at the house while I was at work today. He waited patiently while I got the kids from the bus stop.
My friend, Sandra, and I got acquainted with George this afternoon. He was so easy to understand.
After Sandra left, George and I cooked hamburgers for dinner.
He is so helpful!! He cooked the burgers perfectly in only 8 minutes!!
I think I can get used to having George around.

(yep... I bought a new George Foreman Grill!!!!) (what were you thinking?!) hehe

this afternoon

God graciously gave me a free afternoon today. It is a BEAUTIFUL day!!
I decided to drive out and visit the scene of Thayer's accident.
At my "drive by" I couldn't remember what tree the motorcycle had landed by!! I got a little panicky wondering if my memory is that bad!!
I decided to park and check things out. Luckily the police paint lines were still on the road and the tree was clearly marked with the orange paint.
I didn't stay long... just long enough to see the place where Thayer laid down and left this world.
I was amazed that the blood trail was still there... even though we've had heavy rain since then.
I know most people would be grossed out by the thought of a "blood trail" (so I apologize for mentioning it). But for me, it's the last physical trace of Thayer. (except for those ashes). In a weird way, I am comforted at seeing the blood. It makes the reality of his death, real to me.
I always laughed at people for visiting accident scenes but now I know why they do. It's not that there is a connection with Thayer at that spot... but while driving to that spot and being at the location, I saw all of the things that he saw on his last ride. A beautiful ride... I know that he was having a great time.
It just really sucks that it ended the way that it did. Looking at the tragedy of the accident, I am thankful that he didn't suffer during his last moments.
God continues to wrap me in comfort as I am trying to process this whole situation.
Thanks to everyone for your prayers!

lights out: night 2

JACKPOT!
I may have discovered the key to happiness!
(And why has it taken me over 5 weeks?!?!)
I suppose we are adjusting daily to our "new normal".

Here's the scoop: I proceeded with my "lights out" rule, as mentioned in yesterday's post...
L screamed again but instantly fell asleep again tonight! I am feeling victorious and elated. Both kids were in bed AND asleep before 8:40pm.
This is a true blessing! :-)

--------------------------------------------

I have just finished reading The Shack. It was a great book!
I plan to read it again because I think I "missed" alot of it while reading short segments over the last five weeks.
I'm looking forward to getting the full gist of it next time around.
Please get a copy and read along with me!!!

these kids!

I am starting to get thoughts like "WHY did Thayer leave me here with these kids?!?!?!?!"

I know that things will get better and that most horrible moments with the boys are due to my slack parenting these days. And I also know that I will get better along the way. So overall, all hope is not lost but I certainly have many moments when I wonder how I will get through this season of life.

L was a complete, honest to goodness, obnoxious, horrible, disrepectful punk tonight at Kids Haven. The kid couldn't sit still at dinner, he was bouncing around like a mouse on cocaine. He had no notion to listening to me or hearing my voice. By the end of the night, he had been spanked twice and I was at a loss of what to do. I just get so frustrated.

I attribute part of the problem to his lack of sleep. Not only does he stay up late on his own (since thayer's death) but this weekend was packed with late night activities. So I suppose I reap what I sow.

To combat this problem I started a new policy tonight. We will now have "lights out" at bedtime.
Both boys used to have little table type lamps that they left on when they went to bed. I have recently noticed that L takes so long to get to sleep because he ultimately hangs around and tinkers with things in his room.
Being the smart mom that I know I can be.... I removed all lamps from his room tonight.
My next thought was that he would just turn on the ceiling light and proceed to play BUT I had prepared myself to remove each lightbulb from the ceiling fixture if it came down to that.
Luckily, he screamed about not having lights but he INSTANTLY fell asleep!!! Thank God for small favors!

Please pray that we can ALL get on normal sleeping patterns soon. Our schedule has been whacked for weeks and I don't want the abnormal to become normal. I just want us to find a "new normal" that works for us.