what I'd be good at...

(Trying to keep my mind off of the pee.   Things are improving... but I'm not 100% yet.)

So...
I've stated many times that I would gladly be a greeter at Walmart when I return to full time work.     Many of you think I'm kidding.  (which I kinda am...)
But you know what? 
I'd be really good at it.
Granted I'm not old, or disabled.... but I know that I could rock that job, if they'd let me.
And I'm pretty sure that people would drive across town to be greeted by me.  :-)

I am a frequent shopper of Walmart.  And I'm serious when I say that I've been greeted 'properly' only a handful of times in the past year. 
Those current greeters look miserable!  Is it really that hard to drum up a smile and say hello to the people who come in the door??     Are the responsibilities too exhausting or demanding?   Do greeters run out of smiles at a certain point in their career? 

So for my own enjoyment...
I greet those greeters EVERY time I enter, with a big smile and a "Hi! how are you today?!"   And when I leave, "Thank you!  have a super afternoon!"  :o)

I'm secretly proud of myself for doing their job... better than they do.

I know.
random.

the positive

I'm sure that you're sitting on the edge of your seat, waiting for my pee update.

Well, not much has changed.   Except my attitude.  several times.
My mood sunk pretty low this weekend and I whined to everyone, including the doctor.   I was seeing the cup half empty. 
literally.

Then it occured to me that I need to focus on the positive.
When I stopped worrying about my pee I had time to think happy thoughts.
1. I realized that my insides were no longer falling out.... and that's super positive :)
2. I realized that my family and friends have seen me, like a wreck, and yet they still encourage me and pray for me.   That's positive :)
3. I also realized that my doc has been encouraging through it all.    He has witnessed many of my really low moments as well.    Yet, he says that he prays for me.  That's positive :)

But the best thing... the thing that has brought me out of the depths....
is the fact that I started to drive again on Sunday.  
Getting into that car spelled f.r.e.e.d.o.m!!!  
Owning a car is a privilege.    And I don't take that lightly.  My ability to go anywhere, when I want to, is a blessing.  

As for my ability to pee... I'm still waiting.   I'm able to do a little on my own.  And I've seen some improvement, but I still need to use the catheter to empty my bladder. 
So please continue to pray...

"Oh. My. Word."

I mumbled to myself upon leaving the bathroom,
After trying to urinate.
I'm trying to figure out the next time that I should catheterize myself before I leave the house for the evening.    
Planning out time for urination?  That's just plain odd.
And I'm wondering how long this type of thought process will consume me.  This is just not normal, for me.

This morning, I went back to the doctor, and to my surprise, I was able to urinate a bit.  I was able to pee out about 1/3 of the fluid that they had pumped into me.  I was pleasantly surprised and hopeful.
But, since I couldn't get it all out... I was taught how to self catheterize.
It's just as gross as I had imagined, and as creepy as you may think... but rather simple.
I can do it... because I'm a big girl.  right?

The doc was "happy" because I had peed.     He said that I would maybe have to self catheterize for a "few days or a few weeks".  I did not want to hear that  "weeks" part.   
But I'm hopeful that this process will help my bladder get on the mend.
The best part is that I'm not tied down to that pee bag anymore.  
I'm just relying on a plethora of little medical supplies and a mirror.
And my next dilemna will be to find that stuff at the drug store...

I am super thankful for all of the prayers.     My friends have been offering up powerful prayers for my healing, yet I'm the doubting one.   
You can call me Thomas.
I know that God can fix this, and I call Him out on it... but at the same time, I don't expect an instant healing.  I want Him to do it, I want to give Him the glory, but it just ain't happenin'.     
I know that God is answering... in His own way.  Because I know that I'm learning alot through this.   
Alot.   
I know that this inconvenience is building my character, somehow.
But really.... haven't I  had enough character building in the last few years??...

and so it continues....

I went for my second surgery, to correct the 'tape', and everything went as planned.  The procedure was fairly quick and it was super easy for me to wake up from the anesthesia.    The doctor was pleased and he even told my mom that I would not be going home with a catheter.

That was... until I couldn't pee.

The nurse was instructed to call the doc if I had any problems, so he and I had a nice little chat on the phone.   I vaguely remember asking him if he would admit me to the hospital long term.  (because I really didn't want to be sent back home with a catheter... after ALL of this!)
Being admitted wasn't a possibility and I knew that I would need another catheter, right away, to release the pressure that had built up in my bladder. 

Insert catheter and bag number five.

I was instructed to come to his office on Friday morning.   I recommended that if I can't pee on Friday that I am to move in with the doctor and he will be in charge of my care.   He agreed to it... and I have witnesses.  Take note.

Amazingly, I have been in great spirits about it all.    I have decided that it is better to laugh than cry.  And I keep telling myself that things could certainly be worse.

The doc assures me that it will not be permanent.  (just like he assured my mom that I would not be going home with a catheter).... but I tend to trust him on the permanence issue.
He could think of only one other case where an older woman had to wear a catheter for two and a half months.  
And that is supposed to encourage me in what way?  haha.

The plus of my current condition is that I have the hospital grade set up.   There is a magnificent patch that is stuck to my leg that holds the pee tube in place.    The tube snaps in place and it even swivels!  This is opposed to the tape that I have used for two weeks which has been very irritating.   The comfort level of the catheter had always relied on how well the tube was taped or positioned on my leg.   My new patch has made a huge difference in my comfort level.

Last night I had planned to call him and make sure that he used his doctor muscle to snag me a hospital grade set-up, just in case, for Friday.
And luckily, the doc called me this morning to see how I was doing.   I explained that I was in good spirits.   He is very sympathetic and apologetic about the whole thing.   He acknowledges that this is super frustrating for me and my family.   As of now, he believes that things still need time to heal.
We've been praying that things will be working by Friday (simply because I am hosting a baby shower on saturday).... but I don't see how a few days will change anything.  Especially after two weeks and two surgeries.   I am hopeful, but realistic at this point.

If things are not in motion by friday.  I think "Plan E" will be put into place.  
I will probably learn to catheterize myself  for the time being (which sounds really fun, right?)  And will probably get a second opinion from a urologist.

so... no idea what to expect over the next week or so.  I am totally at the mercy of my bladder and what the professionals determine is the hold-up.  And perhaps time is really all I need.    Maybe I'm just a freakish case, I dunno.

I have a friend who is irate with the doctor.   And I can understand his concerns... but yet I still have faith in my doc.    I am fully aware that things don't always go as planned and I am doing my best to be flexible with my current weird condition.    I don't want to be quick to blame or point fingers, because that's just not necessary.... or helpful.

Let's just get it fixed and move on.

I'm already planning my "cath-free party".  

We will celebrate when I'm a free woman!  :-)

interlude

I've got a post brewing about the outcome of today's surgery...
but for now...please enjoy this lovely interlude.

Several weeks ago, I was priviledged to be a part of the
"Just the Girls: Real Beauty Project".

You can read about me here. 

I feel so honored to be included!!

Please take time to read about the project, and read about ALL of the beautiful girls!!

This is a marvelous project for two aspiring young photographers. I am so proud of them!
I'm pretty sure they are still booking appointments for Real Beauty shoots, which are always free.
And both girls have started shooting regular sessions as well, for a fee. Please email shannonandruth@gmail.com  for more info.

super long post about female stuff, surgery, and pee.

Reader discretion is advised.  :)

I sit here on the eve of a second surgery and I realize that some of you may be wondering, "what? what surgery?"
Ah... there is so much to tell and I'm not sure where to start.
Let's start in the very beginning....  It's a very good place to start.

Once upon a time.... for several years.... I suffered from a 'uterine prolapse'.   look it up. 
I dreamed and planned for a day when I could have a hysterectomy to a make that issue go away.    And I wanted to be proactive so that my uterus wouldn't fall out one day at Target.  (that likelihood is slim to none.)  ;)
This summer turned out to be an opportune time to schedule surgery since we had traveled early and the rest of the summer was free.  
I went for my yearly exam and set the date for July 6th.    Upon hearing the details of the surgery, the doc explained that I "should be up and moving the next day.   No driving for two weeks.  No lifting for 6 weeks."   These surgeries are very common in women.   The doc performs several each week.   Seemed like a pretty routine thing.  He mentioned that "about 20 percent of these women have to go home wearing catheters".... but I disregarded that statement because... by golly... I'm young and I would recover.  I would feel no pain and I would be fine.

I went for the presurgery visit, where the doc performed some neato test on me by inserting a catheter and pumping my bladder full of fluid.   He then had me cough a little and they somehow measure the pressure in my bladder (or something like that).   The doc determined that I should have an extra procedure involving 'tape' to make sure I didn't have bladder leakage after the hysterectomy.  
He wanted to get lots done while he was in there.    It would all be done vaginally.  No incisions :)
( I know... this is a horrible topic... but stick with me) 

I proceeded to the Hospital Presurgery Center... which is technically a place where you sleep for 45 minutes in the waiting room, they draw a bit of blood, and then make sure that they have the rights to your first born son.     But they are so friendly... you really don't mind paying your $5000 deductible over the phone in a back room.

moving on.
The day of the surgery came.  July 6th.  Surgery planned for 3:30 in the afternoon.    We arrived, two hours early, (my mother and I) and things ran smoothly.   I have never had previous surgeries... so this was new and kind of interesting to me.     
The IV creeped me out at first, it was gross looking in my hand...
and thus began me acting like a baby for my mom.
The doc came in briefly before they doped me up and he was cutsie in his scrubs.  He seemed to be in his element.   I casually mentioned that my boys would like to have my uterus to keep in a jar.  
The doc smiled a bit...probably not knowing if I was serious... but then proceeded to tell me that "once pathology is done with it, there wouldn't be much left."   I'm assuming that he knew I was joking.  But I dunno. 
I've gotten him to smile a few times, for which I am proud.
And for the record- I think my gynecologist is great :)

They wheeled me into the operating room and the whole crew introduced themselves right before the walls got blurry.  
quick and nice.
I was slowly waking up, shivering and shaking, and wondering if I was in pain, or just freaked out.  Apparently that's okay for waking up after 2.5 hours of anesthesia.  I was barely conscious and they were asking me my pain level.   I guessed a '5' because I didn't even know where I was and I figured that middle ground was okay to start with.    They pumped me full of pain meds and the next thing I know I hear someone say, "well look who's here".  I think they were talking about my mom because I was being wheeled into my room.
I think I managed to whine about alot of things before my mom left for the evening.  I remember having a ton of pillows trying to get comfortable.  and I remember tossing my IV tube and my catheter tube around whenever I changed sleeping positions.   I remember that my poor male nurse came when I called and he was kind about having to take care of my personal needs.
Shift change for nurses at 7am.
The next gals were nice... but busy.  I was ready to be discharged... and I certainly didn't want to go home with a catheter.   I tried to pee several times with very little luck  BUT.... the nurse sent me home without a catheter anyway.  My mom says that it's because I whined so much about it... but I blame the nurse either way.

I SHOULD have been sent home with a catheter.   My first night at home, I slept for 20 minutes, tried to pee for 10 minutes.  Slept for 20 and tried to pee for 10.  Like clockwork.  ALL night.
The next morning my mom called the doc's office around 9:30am.  The nurse called back at 12:30 and suggested that we be at the office by 1pm.

(Friday, July 8th) I went in and received my second catheter with a nifty long tube and a 'pee bag' (as I affectionately call it).  I was told that my bladder had stretched way too far overnight and that it would need some time to get back to normal.   There was swelling from the surgery, etc. Come back on Tuesday.

(Tuesday, July 12th)  I was ready to be rid of the catheter.    They pumped me full of fluid and removed the catheter.... and ..... I couldn't pee.   I cried in the bathroom and I teared up for the nurse.  I was majorly discouraged.
Enter catheter number three.
 The doctor told me that it needed more time and that I would need to come back NEXT Monday.  I was choked up and disappointed and I expressed the importance of getting rid of the 'pee bag' before I hosted my sister's baby shower on the 23rd.  
He explained that there was a chance that if I was unable to pee NEXT Monday that he would need to go back in and snip the 'tape' from the procedure he had done during the surgery.  That would allow my urine to flow out of the bladder.  hmm.

So... the days ticked by.  My family and friends were AMAZING.  They kept the boys and I busy.  They brought meals, they hung out with us.  They drove us around. They answered my questions and calmed my crazies.  We visited and did everything possible to take my mind off of the uncomfortable and irritating tube in my crotch.  
I can't stress enough about how irritating this catheter has been.

And my mom has been great.  she has listened to every whine and concern and every doubt or question I could conjure.   And I kept thinking about how my mom would be spared the details if only Thayer were here.   I'm sorry he couldn't be here to tell me to 'suck it up'.   It would usually be the husband's job to handle the delicate things... but my mom had to take the lead...  Thanks Mom :)
And my Dad has been hanging out with my boys for hours on end.
Both of  my parents have had to take care of their baby.  
This is an occassion when it is great to have family close by. ;)

okay.  and just when you wonder if this post will EVER end.   I'm wondering too.

I went back today. (July 18th).  I was prepared for the worst.  I carried my bag with pride into the waiting room...and announced to the nurse that I would not cry this time.   She pumped me full of fluid and removed the catheter.   And.... I couldn't pee.   Not even a drop.
So....
insert catheter number four.
My second surgery is scheduled for tomorrow at 3:15.  It should be a short procedure.  The doc says that i will only be put to sleep for 10 minutes.    He plans to go in and fix that 'tape' issue that seems to be blocking my urine from flowing.   He says that he has had to do this a few other times and that it has fixed the problem for each of those women.
So.... am I to assume that I'll "be up and moving the next day"?

haha.  I laugh as I type.

I know that there is risk with every surgery and I somehow laugh at the fact that I had some complications.   Yeah, it seems to work out like that sometimes.  Something so easy turns into quite an ordeal.   But I tried to keep telling myself that this is only temporary.  AND this is so minor compared to what other people have endured.
I have gained a new respect for older people.    I now understand how taking a shower and getting dressed can be exhausting.  And I have also realized that I take many things for granted.... like sitting down, or walking across a parking lot, or pouring a glass of water.   It is tough to be hindered, to move slowly and to have limits.  It is draining on the body and the mind.

I am thankful that my ailments are only temporary and that hopefully I'll be "up and moving the next day."