corona crisis

I just counted 45 entries in my "corona virus journal".   

Forty five days ago, I found myself suddenly out of school and very alone at home.  (It's been business at usual for the others in my household).
In order to maintain my sense of balance I have gotten up each day, made my bed, had my yoga practice, taken a walk, read my Bible, showered and dressed for the day....  Every day.... for the past 45 days.

By the time I complete my morning routine, it's time for lunch.   I have made a point to have something scheduled each day.  Errands, house projects, picking up popcorn from the Venue, getting take-out, and maybe some secret time with a friend or two.

In the beginning of this mess, even with my routine and scheduled days, I had some really low moments.  

Dare I say I had an existential crisis?!    

I was left alone all day, and most of the night, with my own thoughts.   I was aware when Satan was whispering lies to me, and also recognized when God was shouting truth in the other ear.   

 

Here was my dilemna:

I have always been the "party planner", the "social/cruise director".    I love people.  I love to gather people.   My days and weeks were scheduled around social events and spending time with people.  

Then BAM.  I was unable to plan.  Unable to gather.  Unable to be social.  

Unable to be who I AM.

I was worried about the folks that I would be unable to see for an extended amount of time!   I was worried about my friends who would be stuck at home.  How would their mental health be? What would I do to remedy the fact that I can't plan gatherings?  Gosh, I was gonna miss conversations and laughing, and hanging out!   How can I keep people connected?

Whoa, whoa, whoa.    

All of these questions suddenly gave me pause.   Because....  Here I was... all alone and worried about not connecting with people..... and I realized that it was eerily quiet over here.    Where were all of those people I was dying to communicate with? 

(crickets.)

Over the first few weeks, I received one card from a friend who acknowledged I might be having a tough time being home from work, and two other friends reached out with the same sentiments, noting that it was probably hard for an extrovert, like me, to be secluded.

Turns out that my introvert friends were doing fine.... or else they were totally overwhelmed with working from home and schooling children.  (I get that)

But as I thought about my relationships.... I had a LOT of time to evaulate my role in many of them.  How many of my relationships do I carry?   If I didn't initate or plan something.... would I ever hear from some of my friends? 

Gosh.... this is so horrible to type!

Anywho, I have gained clarity about it all as the weeks have passed.   I have decided I'm going to approach a few things differently when we all get back to "normal".

My existential crisis has boiled down to the fact that I have decided I am much more than the "cruise director".   God abruptly stripped me of my title in order for me to realize that my worth isn't found in how much I plan, or initiate, or do.   This quiet time has slowed me down.  I'm hoping I can learn to nuture the important things, and the important relationships as time moves on.

I think this time of quarantine has reset all of us.

Did all of our previous excess and busyness really accomplish anything?

I pray that when life resumes.... our new normal will look a little slower and a little more focused.
I'm not saying that I won't be the first in line at my favorite restaurants.... with all of my friends in tow... but maybe, just maybe, I will slow it down a bit and relish those people- and those moments-more than ever before.