blah

I've had almost a month of almost type-able moments.     Evenings when I wanted to debrief....  But I chose to watch Netflix and turn off my brain.  
I have slowly gone MIA.   This past Sunday I finally shut down.   Rain had canceled skateboarding plans....so I laid in bed from 2-5pm with little care of what was going on around me.

This past month has been uneventful, as I remember.   I know that we were busy most of the month and then things came to a halt.   I look forward to free time yet I don't quite know what to do with it.  I am thrilled when the kids request to visit the skate park.   I am able to escape the house for a few precious hours.   It's been confirmed that I am not a homebody.

I've struggled with Lucas this month.   We are currently on an up-swing.  I think I finally have a hold on consequences and limits that are helpful in controlling his outbursts.     But as you know, it's a bumpy ride with this kid.   
He and I played a Harry Potter board game tonight.   It was such a pleasure to spend some one-on-one time with him.   He thrives in those moments.

The anticipation of summer break brings a small breath of excitement to each day.   This school year has been the fastest yet.
We are looking forward to a vacation out west this summer.   We plan to visit with Thayer's family.    If only I could convince myself to book the tickets.  Maybe tomorrow.

Netflix is calling.

thinking of Spring!

I had forgotten how much I enjoy spring.
We are currently enjoying a heat wave and I was reminded that activity can take place outdoors again!

Tonight I sit on my newly cleaned-off carport, breathing the toxic fumes of the weed killer that I used in my gravel drive.  (you are welcome, neighborhood.  yes, that's my poison you smell.)
I'm listening to the birds chirp and the crunch of  (what I assume to be) deer hooves in the back yard.
Daniel was out a few minutes ago, riding his bike in the cul-de-sac.
I can't believe that he is twelve.  He'll be thirteen this year.

Tomorrow would be my 14th wedding anniversary.     Earlier today I thought about how Daniel has been around for most of those years.   And the fact that Daniel has been around longer than I was married.  (married only 9 years) 
I looked at Daniel and thought about how proud Thayer would be of his boys.   Thayer knew them when they were still so young... and cute.   I sometimes wonder what he would have taught them by now.  I wonder what they would have done on the weekends.   I'm sure that I would have assigned them a zillion house projects, and the boys would be super familiar with everything at Lowes.  

April is one of my favorite months.   New life is starting to bloom.  The grass is magically greener and the blossoms are beautiful.   I'm waiting for the Red Bud tree in our front yard to bloom.  
It's the tree that we planted in memory of Thayer.   
Thayer and I came home from our Honeymoon in April of 1999.  The Virginia roads were lined with blooming Red Bud trees and I can remember how Thayer and I marveled at their purple beauty.  I had never noticed those trees before.

I'm waiting for the Spring Peepers to wake up.   I hear one or two random frogs right now. I don't think it's the peeps.  I know that spring will officially be here when our backyard becomes a chorus of peepers.   I look forward to that every year.

Spring break was refreshing.  The boys and I visited Thayer's family in South Carolina and then made a spontaneous stop at the NC Zoo.    Arriving late in the afternoon, the zoo informed us that our tickets would be valid the next day!    We decided to grab a hotel that night.    We had to make a stop at Walmart for swim trunks.  I  called every hotel in the vicinity until we found one with an available room and an indoor pool.  (which is a must!)    We had to travel to some unknown city about 20  miles away.... but it was totally worth it!    The boys and I LOVED the unplanned mini vacation! 

I feel like we are fresh, renewed, and ready to rock this spring!

nothing is wasted

I've been pushing this song on a friend for a few weeks, and then this video was released and I can't get enough!
From the start, the miniatures are amazing. 
BAM!  Right away, I feel the loss of my marriage and my heart aches over Thayer's death, and the uncertainty of my future.
The story continues and I see my friends' losses and struggles unfold in miniature.   I carry a story for each item represented.

There is sadness.   There is loss.
Yet there is hope. 
Hope plants a seed for beauty to bloom.

I so often feel like I am waiting for that flowery ending.
and waiting, and waiting, and waiting. 

Jason sings a lovely reminder for those of us who are waiting....

"sometimes we are waiting in the sorrow we have tasted-

but JOY will replace it."

I do not wait in vain.

Thank you, Jesus, for speaking to us through song... and reminding us that there is more to come!