changing seasons

The change of seasons.   The changes in life.
Sometimes so slowly we don't notice.  Sometimes so abruptly that it uproots us.

This week could have been my 20th wedding anniversary.   How bizarre to consider it when life has shifted in different directions. 
All of these years later.  We are good. This is where we are supposed to be. 

But... we had heard that the milestones would be hard. 

We received Daniel's graduation invitations in the mail recently and something crept up on me. 
No father here to witness and celebrate. 
I cried myself to sleep for the first time in years.
I have yet to ask Daniel if he feels the same.... if he is acutely aware of Thayer's absence during this milestone moment. 
He seems fine.  He seems unemotional as usual.    Which makes me wonder if some of his aloof shell has to do with his father being gone all of this time.   How much has this loss really shaped him?   How much counseling will he need after being mothered by me?  haha

We are who we are.  Our life experiences have shaped us for better and worse. 
Seasons change, life changes. 
Somehow seasons are more predictable.   I noticed the red buds blooming this week and wondered about the tree we planted in honor of Thayer.   At the "old" house now. 
Sure enough... it IS blooming. 
Some things never change.  Yet little remains the same.

photo credit: Lisa Tibbs
4/9/19

possibilities

Wow. Where have I been?
I've had so many things that I wanted to write about.    Maybe one day I'll catch everyone up on my thoughts about work, "Dessert with Dads" at preschool, my unnecessary stalkerish crushes, the conference that I went to, the new guitar teacher, and the Captain America motorcycle dude.

But today.  A beautiful Easter day.   A great day for a road trip.

Our friend from Ruckersville came to visit on Thursday and left his baseball glove in our backyard.   I could have mailed it to him.   But the thought of packaging and dealing with the post office was such a depressing thought.
It was much more reasonable, and easier, for us to hand deliver.
After lunch we hit the road.    The boys watched a movie from Redbox while I rekindled my lyrical relationship with Andrew Peterson.    The drive was perfect and the music felt so much like 'home'.

We made a pit stop at one of those trampoline places and the kids jumped for 30 minutes and then we continued on our journey.
The glove was delivered and a 20 minute chat with our friends.  (Which was basically just me rattling off everything in my head).   And then we headed home.

I LOVE road trips.  I really can't state that enough.    I feel that when I'm on the road, that the possibilities are endless.   If the boys and I had packed bags, (and if we didn't have another road trip planned for tomorrow! yay!).... I think I would have kept driving.    I really long for that type of adventure. I love seeing the open road in front of me.

I focused on the trees today.  I strained my eyes a few times trying to figure out if the branches were budding leaves.    The trees are right on the edge of exploding with green.   So much possibility in those little buds.   Such a great time of transition.

I recalled how I felt a few months ago. Stuck, with no goals.
But God has a perfect way of flipping things.
Just this week... I feel like I've got the whole world at my fingertips.  The change in season has really perked me up.      Perhaps, like the trees, I am getting ready to enter a new season!
I imagine myself happy, fulfilled, and I even thought about what it would be like to be in love again.  How exciting that would be.    :)

I'm looking forward to...

time flies

After our adventures of having Matthew in our home, our house became a
 "Bed and Make-your-own breakfast" destination.  
Our spring break was packed with overnight visitors.... dear friends who needed a place to stay and/or were just coming to visit.    We housed adults, a two year old, and an old dog.  
I LOVE having company! Yet my hostessing qualities are null at best.    
My overlapping guests found themselves entertaining each other over breakfast ...while I was still asleep!   We have THE best friends who were able to make themselves at home.  I love that.

Before I knew it, we were back to school and work with the realization that summer is just around the corner.   I have less than three weeks left at preschool.  And my boys will be home in early June.  I am ecstatic, to put it mildly.

The change in seasons and the anticipation of summer has revived many thoughts of Thayer.  
Don't misunderstand..... I DO think about him throughout the year... all of the time.
But it seems as though the warm weather, the yard work and the sunnier days bring Thayer to the forefront of my mind.

Today I watched my boys mow and trim the yard.   This will be the first year that both boys will cut the grass, unassisted.  
I am thrilled.  
 I was so proud to see Lucas handle a weed eater.
Boys and their machines.   They make it look so easy!
Thayer would be proud.

I took Daniel for a hair cut today.    His barber, Alison, mentioned that Daniel had grown, and that he looked like his Dad.   I was touched that she even remembered what Thayer looked like.    Her comment made my afternoon.


Tonight we watched The Book Thief.   All spoilers aside.... geez.
Let's just say that it got me thinking about the 'bigger picture'.    Lucas was upset that I even let him watch the movie.   I talked with him afterwards about how our lives are pretty much like books.   Each event shapes and molds us.   Some of us have longer books than others.   My prayer is that Lucas and Daniel have long books, with many chapters, and happy endings.    These first chapters are just a part of their story.

Time continues to fly by.   I need to slow down and enjoy the read.

thinking of Spring!

I had forgotten how much I enjoy spring.
We are currently enjoying a heat wave and I was reminded that activity can take place outdoors again!

Tonight I sit on my newly cleaned-off carport, breathing the toxic fumes of the weed killer that I used in my gravel drive.  (you are welcome, neighborhood.  yes, that's my poison you smell.)
I'm listening to the birds chirp and the crunch of  (what I assume to be) deer hooves in the back yard.
Daniel was out a few minutes ago, riding his bike in the cul-de-sac.
I can't believe that he is twelve.  He'll be thirteen this year.

Tomorrow would be my 14th wedding anniversary.     Earlier today I thought about how Daniel has been around for most of those years.   And the fact that Daniel has been around longer than I was married.  (married only 9 years) 
I looked at Daniel and thought about how proud Thayer would be of his boys.   Thayer knew them when they were still so young... and cute.   I sometimes wonder what he would have taught them by now.  I wonder what they would have done on the weekends.   I'm sure that I would have assigned them a zillion house projects, and the boys would be super familiar with everything at Lowes.  

April is one of my favorite months.   New life is starting to bloom.  The grass is magically greener and the blossoms are beautiful.   I'm waiting for the Red Bud tree in our front yard to bloom.  
It's the tree that we planted in memory of Thayer.   
Thayer and I came home from our Honeymoon in April of 1999.  The Virginia roads were lined with blooming Red Bud trees and I can remember how Thayer and I marveled at their purple beauty.  I had never noticed those trees before.

I'm waiting for the Spring Peepers to wake up.   I hear one or two random frogs right now. I don't think it's the peeps.  I know that spring will officially be here when our backyard becomes a chorus of peepers.   I look forward to that every year.

Spring break was refreshing.  The boys and I visited Thayer's family in South Carolina and then made a spontaneous stop at the NC Zoo.    Arriving late in the afternoon, the zoo informed us that our tickets would be valid the next day!    We decided to grab a hotel that night.    We had to make a stop at Walmart for swim trunks.  I  called every hotel in the vicinity until we found one with an available room and an indoor pool.  (which is a must!)    We had to travel to some unknown city about 20  miles away.... but it was totally worth it!    The boys and I LOVED the unplanned mini vacation! 

I feel like we are fresh, renewed, and ready to rock this spring!

the awakening

Spring has started to spring. Atleast in my head.

I took a walk today... for the first time in a zillion days. I started to feel the hibernation sloughing off.
I need to get back into the habit of walking. I need to regain some movement and balance so I don't curse at myself in kickboxing class.
I need to think about dropping all of the pounds that accumulated and settled in for the winter.
(Well... before winter... but who's keeping track?)

I came home and decided it would be a good idea to take the Christmas wreath off of the front door. (i know, i know...it's shameful.)
I also put away the few winter and valentine decorations that I had out.

The other day, I was bantering with a co-worker about the fact that she was switching out her decorations and seasonal dishes.
I can vaguely recall a time when I was organized enough to have 'seasonal' items and decorations.
After Thayer died, I think I became a minimalist in the area of home decor. I am not much for clutter and I only have one shelf in my kitchen to display the few holiday knick knacks that I've kept.
The shelf is empty right now because I think it's too early to dig out the Easter stuff.

all of that to say... I'm switching to spring.
I want to get organized and active. The Christmas wreath is put away and I'm ready for a change.
:-)