visiting

After months of anticipation we made it over the pond to see Lucas!!  Here's a rundown of our days:

England trip to see Lucas, 2023

Lucas met us when we landed, and navigated our public transport for the entire trip. He was a great host 🙂 I am SO proud of Lucas for making a home for himself, and being so comfortable, in a foreign land. My heart was so happy to see him.

Tuesday, July 25: Arrived at LHR 10am-ish.  Hotel, McDs for lunch, nap, Camden Market, Japanese-from the market for dinner, gelato

Wednesday, July 26: Rada for breakfast, London Bridge, Borough Market (Humble Crumble), Kensington Palace, Soho, Chinatown, BBQ dinner at Bodeans, Les Miserables. (Seeing my all-time favorite musical in London was surreal. I loved every moment!) side note: upon leaving the play was the only rain we had during the trip. So thankful God blessed us with lovely weather!

 

Thursday, July 27: Coffee shop, lunch at Five Guys, train to Lucas’ house, Lucas and Jill to base for groceries, Japanese for dinner in Lakenheath, watched Fight Club

Friday, July 28: Slept in, train to Cambridge, walked around, lunch at Subway, circled Jesus College, Cambridge Botanical Gardens (beautiful place!!), Pizza Hut on base for dinner, watched Moon Knight on Disney+

Saturday, July 29: Slept in, went to Lakenheath base, did laundry, went to Mildenhall base, early dinner at Amigos in Bury St. Edmunds, watched Moon Knight. (Amigos is "voted best Mexican food in the UK".... and it was fantastic.)

Sunday, July 30:  Slept in, watched Moon Knight and Young Sheldon, went by base, dinner at the Bull Inn in Mildenhall (fish and chips, sticky toffee pudding)  Watched The Terminal.  Watched WandaVision

Monday, July 31: Train to Norwich (we really liked Norwich), chicken lunch at Nandos, walked around Norwich castle (it was closed for construction),  Played mini golf at Putt Putt Noodle, Icees and bubble tea at mall,  Pizza at Zizzi for dinner, train back to Lucas’, packed and watched Young Sheldon

Tuesday August 1:

Up at 4:15am, Left Lucas’ house at 5am, Breakfast at McDs,  Train to London, Underground to LHR, Flight out at 12:15pm,  Arrived in Charlotte 4ish EST.  Arrived in Lynchburg@ 9:45pm Total travel time from door to door= 23 hours.

Greg survived his first overseas adventure!  :)

Additional thoughts about the UK: -London was almost identical to New York City. I'm NOT a big city person, so I wouldn't need to go there again.

-A very diverse population. It was neat to see, and hear, so many cultures being represented.

-The food was underwhelming. Greg missed sugary drinks (there is apparently a sugar tax in England so things tasted "off".) We were surprised to see Five Guys, McDs, KFC, Pizza Hut and Subway were on every block.

BUT.... -There were very few obese people. (due to the fact that things seem "healthier" AND the fact that people WALK everywhere. The obese people, myself included, were clearly from America.

-Paper straws. everywhere. Can you feel the cringe? Aspects of society were very "environmentally friendly".

- America could do some catching up.... but not with the straws, please.

godspeed

Lucas recently came home on leave for three weeks.    Having him home for a brief stay was such a treat.  He basically took up residence in his room, just as before.   He visited family and friends, he hiked, went fishing, went Frisbee golfing; and still managed to spend crazy amounts of time playing video games into the wee hours of the night.   I think he had a nice vacation from the military grind.

Earlier this week Greg and I drove him to Baltimore to catch a flight to England.    We stopped for lunch on the way, and our destination came up in conversation with our server.  She took the time to say a lovely, long, prayer for Lucas and for our family.   
I have heard about people just stopping everything to pray for strangers, but I have never been on the receiving end.  It was a lovely gift to my mama-heart to be reminded that God is covering us even in the midst of big life changes.   

I should have remembered the impactful message of her prayer over the next few days BUT

We were quickly dismissed at the airport as Lucas found his people- and it felt like leaving him for Basic Training, all over again.      That small sinking realization about how far away he'll actually be.
Not only the distance.... but more so all of the unanswered questions and concerns that I have as a parent:

Communication questions, transportation questions, housing questions.    One thought would snowball into another.      

Would I dare say that I was worrying?!  I am NOT a worrier!

Greg, who is a worrier by trade, has had to talk me down a few times.     I know everything will work out fine.  I know that God has big plans for Lucas.  I know that Lucas is a problem solver.  I know that he'll take it one day at a time and be a total rock star.

Lucas has been on base a few days, and he's figuring it out.   He will need to buy a car, rent a house, start a new job, and adjust to a new culture this month.  So much adulting!!   

And I'm over here with my hands tied.  Thank God that they are tied together in prayer.  That's really all I can do.

Please join me in praying for Lucas as he continues on this adventure.  

I'm one proud Mom.

I love you, Lucas!  Enjoy every minute! :)

November 3, 2022

Lucas, 20    Daniel, 22

My babies :)

quick trip

We recently had a quick visit with Lucas in New Mexico.    
(I just concluded that we hadn't seen him since August!)
My sister, Sherry, accompanied us and I'm glad she endured the travels with Greg and myself.    The flights all went super smoothly which seemed like a first for us.   But it turns out that we couldn't rent a car on a whim in Albuquerque as we had planned to do.    Thankfully, Lucas agreed to be our chauffer for the weekend.   
That in itself was an experience.

We had two full days with my boy.     
The first day we traveled to Santa Fe to go to Meow Wolf.  Meow Wolf is an "explorable art experience" that's hard to explain... but pretty interesting!
We enjoyed our time "exploring the experience"!  ;)

The following day, our adventure was to view the area from the top of the Sandia Crest.  Lucas drove us up 10,679 feet above sea level to a snow covered ridge where we saw amazing views of New Mexico below.   

Lucas taunted me by standing too close to the edge, which reminded me of our trip to the Grand Canyon when he was 5 years old..... me begging him to get away from the edge.   
It's true that mothers never stop worrying about their babies!   And it's true boys' brains don't fully develop.... probably ever.

And just like that, it was time for a breakfast at Denny's followed by our flights home.   We had been anticipating this trip for months and it flew by so quickly!    I'm glad we finally got to see Lucas in his new environment.   
I'm always so proud of my boys.  :)  

year end

Finishing out another year.   I usually take some time to read back through old blog posts...and I realized that I posted less than 10 this year.     That's a far cry from previous years and a bit discouraging- realizing that I don't really have much to get out of my brain these days.

Looking back over the last few months:
I never completed that 21 days of writing.   But the 21st Annual Pumpkin Party, Taylor's wedding and Regina's Favorite Things Party all came and went.  Good times with all of it.

Greg and I at Taylor and Logan's wedding.
October 30,2021

I took the time in the last months to read back through ALL of my past blog posts (that I have published in several bound books, dating from 2005-2019.)   I am SO thankful to have those words in print.  There were so many moments and stories about my kids that I didn't remember AT ALL!  I 'm so glad that I have written evidence of the years past.   
Sadly there was plenty of entries with evidence of why my kids would need therapy as adults.  yikes. (Reading back through those posts.... I realize that I am NOT the same person that I used to be. And I also wish I had written more about the positive things in our lives.)
Fortunately, both boys seem to be doing fairly well as young adults and I'm thankful that God got them through some really rough times with their crazy mom.

December:   

I always remember that the Christmas season is not my favorite.   The commercialism and busyness is overrated.    I took advice from a YouTuber and decided not to smash visits with everyone I know into one month.   I have arranged to see some of my dear friends in January..... and surprisingly, that helped me focus a bit more on family during my days off from work. 

This is our first Christmas as empty nesters.... so I had additional feelings about things.
Decorating the Christmas tree was especially hard this year.  (Thanks, Greg, for taking on the task, and my whining).    The ornaments of my previous life are still strewn in our ornament box.... and I was faced with lots of memories that I wasn't ready for.  (Don't worry....I'm making plans to organize and divide ornaments between the boys as we un-decorate this week)

Lucas had to work over Christmas.... so he wasn't able to come home. :(

Turns out that we had a lovely Christmas eve.   The step-kids came to visit and share a slideshow of their wedding pictures.   Daniel came over in the evening and and we had a video call with Lucas! We were able to catch up with him for almost two hours.  We chatted and opened gifts together.  It was almost as if he were in the room.  :)

So thankful for technology!

Christmas day consisted of lunch with my family and dinner with Greg's family.
All in all- a lovely Christmas weekend.

Today...I put away the Christmas decorations.   So glad to have that stuff behind us.  Till next year.

13 years

Yesterday marked 13 years since Thayer's death.  Thursday would be Thayer's 51st birthday.     

I'm reminded each year about how young my boys were when they lost their Dad.   

June 2008:  Telluride, Colorado Ages 7 and 5

Time really does fly!   
 Both boys have spent the last 13 years living out their Dad's adventurous spirit.  Traveling, camping, car stuff, outdoor stuff, anything with a bit of excitement or challenge.  They both have calm, adaptive personalities that tackle new projects or adventures without hesitation.    They are problem solvers.   

It's been neat watching Thayer's traits show up in his boys.

This "anniversary" week has been happily overshadowed by Lucas' time at home from the Air Force.  It's been GREAT to have him here for a brief visit before he flies out to his next destination.

August 2021:   Ages 18 and 20

I am so thankful that Daniel and Lucas have grown to be such strong, independent, young men.   

Thayer would be so proud.
I am one proud mama.

flying

It was about a year ago, on a Saturday, that I asked Daniel to clean his room and reminded him that he was to start paying me $200/month for rent.    He boldly took out his wallet, handed me $200 in cash and told me he would be moving out on Monday.   

And.... just like that....  He flew the nest.

It's been a full year and I'm happy to say he's still making it on his own.   He and some friends live in a cute little house across the river.   He's working lots of hours, back at the pizza place where he started.   I haven't had to bail him out financially, or bail him out of jail----yet- so I'm very proud of him for the strides he has made this year.

Last February, which unbeknownst to us, would be Lucas' last full month of school, he came downstairs one evening and announced his decision to join the Air Force. He had put lots of thought into it and we were quite pleased with his reasoning.   Since he wasn't sure what he wanted to do with his life.... he knew it would be pointless to incur thousands of dollars of debt to attend college.    He weighed his options and knew that joining the service would give him valuable job training and great benefits while getting paid.  After his time in the military, he knows that he would be able to pursue college for free.  I think it's a win-win, with whatever he decides to do long term.    I was impressed that he came up with all of that on his own.... and of course I'm a very proud mama.

The summer passed and Lucas pursued every inch of what the AirForce had to offer stayed up all night playing video games, slept till 2pm every day, and went to work in the evenings.    This continued till his 18th birthday.  (who am I kidding....he's still asleep as I type this at 1:30pm.)
Anyway....

September rolled around and I reminded him that his 18th birthday was upon us.  He was to either contact a recruiter..... or start paying me rent.   

Low and behold.... he turned 18, contacted the recruiter and got the ball rolling.   He has spent the last two months meeting with the recruiter and gaining weight.    He took the ASVAB (entry test) several weeks ago and scored a 95%..... which I hear is outstanding.  (proud mom again).

November 10, 2020

And it's official!  Last week.... he was sworn into the Air Force.    He is currently sorting through job opportunities with his recruiter and I can assume he'll be shipping out to basic in a few months.

Lucas has been very vague when we ask him for details.   

I can only assume that one Saturday he will clean his room for the last first time and announce that he'll be leaving on Monday.

And... just like that.... the nest will be empty.

the boys

I don't write about my boys anymore.   It's one of those things that dwindles as the kids get older and they become their own people.  A privacy issue of sorts... because who am I to write about their current condition?
I feel the need catch of glimpse of them now... honestly for the documentation before I forget :)

Daniel has pretty much outgrown us.  (As soon as he pulls his stuff together, I picture him flying the coop).   He is working full time as an auto technician.  He is out with the guys alot, traveling to visit his girlfriend, or driving to pick up car parts from all over the state.
Honestly, we don't know what he's doing besides wasting alot of money.  He shows up occassionally to sleep.  (which is why were are starting to charge rent this month).
His car is his hobby. (along with traveling, camping, skateboarding, and whatever else he's out doing.)
 Most recently his car "broke" (his word).... and he disassembled that entire thing and cluttered up our garage and driveway for several weeks with a zillion car parts. (95% still lingers).
I don't know all of the technical stuff.... but I know he had to get a new (to him) block/engine/whatev.    I'm honestly super impressed by his persistance and determination to rebuild his car.   As far as I know, it's running again and I think he's currently trying to resolve "where that leak is coming from".
I see so much of Thayer in him.   The mechanic, the chill, the adventurous spirit.

Lucas is still around.   He comes out of his gaming cave for the occassional meal.   He is working 20-30 hours at the same local pizza joint where Daniel spent several years.   I love that they both started in pizza.  I often state that my boys should buy the business when the owners retire.  (sometimes I think I'm joking... and sometime I think it should totally be our family goal)
Lucas is a senior in high school this year.  He is an all "A" student... who never studies or does homework, as far as we can see.    He's still involved with the culinary course at the Tech Center, and plans to attend the community college next fall.    I'm not sure what he is thinking for future, but the community college offers culinary courses as well.... which would make my pizza dream more viable. :)
Lucas is helpful, particularly when others need his assistance.   We get some hesitation at home but he generally completes a task with little complaint.   Yesterday, he spent over an hour cleaning out our gutters.  He is very resourceful when it comes to labor.  I also see much of Thayer in him.   The problem solver, the quick thinking, the chill.

I'm proud of both boys.  Today is the first day in a long time that we have plans to go to lunch together.    :)
Should be interesting.
Teenagers.

two on wheels

The milestone is upon us where both of my boys are on wheels.   

Lucas drove the commute to school this morning on his own, and I must admit I was a bit nervous. That one has a lead foot.
The eldest thinks that he owns a super car, hence his car is currently in the shop.

Having kids on wheels is great!   They can transport themselves to work, to social things, to the store.
 Lucas has been on his own, technically, for two days.... and he announced that he was going to the library this afternoon. 
What?!   (I'm pretty sure he parked at the library to play 'Pokemon Go')  ;)
But.... he went! Out of his room!

Thus begins a new era in our household.

It's obvious that we raise our kids up and hope they make the right decisions as adults.   But I realized in more recent years that we raise our kids up in hopes that they make the right decision once they have wheels.  THAT is the moment that you send your kids out in the world and PRAY that they don't end up making horrible decisions or end up dead.   
Once they leave my door, I can only pray that God places some angels around them.   And in the case of my kids..... they need an army of angels!

The lesson here:  those of you who think you have until the age of 18 to mold your babies.....Think again. 
It's 16.
May I also remind you:  Male brains don't fully develop until the age of 25.
You can do the math here.

I'm not a worrier by nature.   I know that my thoughts and fears can not, and will not, affect an outcome.   I don't sit at home and bite my nails while the boys are out.   
I try not to imagine worst case scenarios.  (I live with a man that does that for me) ;)
I can only assume that they are OK.  (I'm fully aware that they could be doing some dumb stuff!)
Honestly, I know that I'll get a knock at the door if something terrible happens.  I've been there.

At the end of the day, I'm just relieved once we are all home and safe in our beds.   
I'm relishing the fact that they are still under my roof for a short time.  I'll take what I can get.

radio silence

I'm slowly realizing that my blogging hobby has come to a screeching halt.

I remember reading another blog that described how "mommy blogs" are prevalent.... but when it comes to teenagers, the blogging community is silent.     It's not the fact that parenting suddenly becomes simple or uneventful.     It's quite the opposite. When dealing with teenagers, it's just not appropriate to air their dirty laundry on the world wide web.  (There is SO much dirty laundry.... literally and figuratively!)   However these kids have suddenly become close-to adult age and I assume it's nice to respect their privacy.

I initially used this blog to update my parents when we lived out of town. 
I then used the blog as a form of therapy after Thayer died.   My writing has been an integral part of my journey, my grief, my healing, our life story.

Our life story is still in full swing but I just haven't been able to share.   The teenage boys, the new husband, the new job, selling houses, the upcoming move to a new house, personal challenges, career challenges. 
BIG life transitions. 
Greg has been hit the hardest with life change and yet he is as solid as a rock.   I'm so thankful for him.     He is my confidant and my sounding board.    I've honestly not needed to blog because I have him here to listen to my thoughts.   How precious it is to have someone to share your life with.
(Alas, Greg is an adult too, with a fairly public job.... which requires that I respect his privacy as well.)

So...all of these factors leave my blogging mind a little hush hush for now.     We'll see if the future brings about more opportunity for deep thoughts that require a bit of typing. 
I hope so....

the yard sale

The yard sale happened a few weeks ago.   I am SO glad to have that behind me.  I hate yard sales.

The morning of the yard sale,  I walked past my dresser where I had laid a check and some cash that were going to be applied to my boys' Mexico trip.    I casually waved my hand over and said, "Lord, provide the rest".

As the day went on, we discussed how the yard sale money would be helping send my boys to Mexico.   I figured we would make a small profit that day.  I would apply it to their balance which was due the following morning.

After the nightmare of the yard sale was done.... after we delivered boxes to Goodwill, after I took down signs, after I cleaned up the house..... I finally sat to count the money.

I thought about Mexico and figured out that the boys still needed $456 to cover the remainder of the trip.

After counting and re-counting....  our profit was..... $457!

THAT is a God thing, people.
Praise Him.

The boys got back from Mexico tonight.  Thanks to all of you who made the trip possible.  :)

this past year

(I want to preface this blog with acknowledgment that this past year has been difficult for lots of people. Family and friends have faced death, illness, heartbreak, unemployment, and strained relationships... to name a few.  I know that many folks are glad to see the end of 2016 and they are praying for a better year to come. 

 I wish everyone a better 2017!)

 January 1st has always been my day for reflection, and summarizing, of the past year.    My blog posts from the year always remind me of how far our family has come, or they emphasize things that have been important to me.

Well...   I only posted 14 times this year.   ha.

I was apparently too busy to blog this year while I was managing family, friends, my new man, and new hobbies.  
 To sum up my year... it was awesome!   I feel confident to say that this has probably been my best year.... in years!

I didn't claim 2016 as my own like I've done other years.   I was gonna let it play out.

But while reading through old posts I can see I was shifting my thinking and gearing up for change.   Early in the year, I wrote a bit about reevaluationg my role in certain social relationships.  I also wrote about how I was anticipating change.  I started doing yoga every day, I started attending a new church group.   Looking back now, I can see that I was finally stepping out of my box and being open to something new.
Deuteronomy 2:3 is written on a sticky note in my kitchen window.  It says, "You have circled this mountain long enough.  Now turn north!"

2016 was my year to 'turn north' and I am thrilled with how God laid the road.

The biggest blessings this year:
-I lost the weight!
- I have daily exercise habits that I LOVE.  
-Physically, I feel better than I have since before kids.
-I'm dating the most amazing man.
-I am so in love and I have high hopes of a future with that man.  (no pressure, Greg)  ;)    
-My boys are healthy and happy.  (well... as happy as teenagers can be, I suppose).  
-Emotionally, my love tank is overflowing.
-God has been good to our little family this year.

A list of phrases that I thought I would NEVER say.... and I DID in 2016:
-I'd like to go to the game on saturday.
-I need more UVA shirts.
-All of my clothes are too big.
-Boys, I'm going for a jog.
-I think I've become a morning person.
-On my run this morning...
-Awww.  Puppies!
-I need more dresses.
-If we get a dog...

No telling what 2017 will be like!!
Bring it!

in time

Everything happens in time.      I looked back at an old blog post this morning.    I wrote a bit about where the boys and I were at that time, in 2013.   I finished the post by writing,

"It's nice to know that we can take our time.  God will make all the other stuff work out.  
In time."

I've written so much about timing over the past eight years.   Lots about God's timing, hope, and waiting.  

I've also written a lot about my weightloss journey.   And I just recently realized that is also so much about timing and waiting.    I hit my heaviest weight in october of 2014.     And it's taken me TWO years to finally figure this thing out.   There has been so much tweaking- and growth- with my exercise, so much fussiness over food, so much discussion with friends and family.    And then I realized that I had to be accountable to myself, and myself alone.    So, after two years of trial and error I feel that I've finally got a grip on this weight thing.    I have found the right exercise routine that works for me.  It's a routine that I have grown to look forward to every day.  (and that's something I never thought I would say!)    I want to shout it from the rooftops that this weightloss thing IS possible.  If I can do it... anyone can.    It is 100% mind over matter.     And it takes time.  

In the realm of family, I have noticed that time is of the essence with teenagers.   It has taken time...years...to build a rapport with these boys.   And honestly I still don't have a clue what goes on in their brains.   Every day is a guessing game as to if I'm doing this mom gig correctly.   But over time, I have watched my boys grow and I'm fairly hopeful that they won't need excessive counseling as adults.   Time will tell.

And the "Mr. Right thing" has always been part of the waiting.   I was hopeful that, in time, God would provide a man for our family.    In 2009 I wasn't ready... in 2013 I wrote that I wasn't ready.     

It's been years of waiting for the right time.  The time as a single mom and woman has challenged me....but I think I needed those years to learn about myself, my kids, and to work on healing.
I'm hopeful that this is my time.   My Mr. Right has appeared... I just pray he'll stick around.  Time will tell.

It's been several years of family growth, personal growth, waiting.  

It's nice to kick back and see some things come to fruition.

God will make things work out in time.

our current state

Today marks the day that I am officially 50.5 pounds lighter than my heaviest weight.  It's been about a 20 month journey overall, with some ups and downs in between.  (and still en route!)    
The trick is certainly mind over matter with every detail.    I have finally found the routine that works best for me and I am feeling better than I have in years.    My habits have gradually changed and I'm starting to feel comfortable in my skin again.    Such a blessing.

Some folks connect my thinner self to the fact that I'm in love.   Yes... I'm in love with a good man...and very happy.... but my journey to get healthy started long before the man entered the picture. I wanted this for myself.   I think he just came along at the opportune time.

This summer has been an excellent time for me to date and get to know my new guy.   He gets along well with the boys and I'm certain he is an excellent fit for our family.    I'm excited to see how this current chapter is written.     (I hope it doesn't end with a burning house) ;)

The boys have had bursts of busyness this summer.   Each have attended camps, and Daniel is currently serving in Mexico with the church youth group.    We've done some day activities as a family and they've also had days of doing nothing.  (which apparently teen boys like to do...nothing.)

I have enjoyed great times with my friends this summer.
Laughter, lots of laughter.  (and a few tears in there as well)
I'm seriously surrounded by the best people.   They are a special blessing that I never want to take for granted.

So, our current state is pretty chill.   Family, friends, love, happiness, all the mushy stuff.    As of today I'd call this summer a success.

now turn north

The boys are home early from school today.  Lucas is grounded from TV this week... and he has rediscovered the outdoors.   Both boys are in the woods this afternoon,building some kind of fort.
31 degrees outside and I just sat for my first cup of hot chocolate of the year.
I'm all caught up on Netflix and I'm reluctant to start something else that will consume my time and motivation.

I've had the desire for 'new' lately.   Somehow I want to be more intentional with how I spend my time.
Interesting how a month of being a hermit, followed by a month of slow transition to liking people again, has catapulted me into stepping out of my box.

This verse has been encouraging to me this month... reminding me that it's probably time to make some changes.... spiritually, physically, emotionally.

First of all.... I have committed to doing yoga every day.   This has been a game changer in how I sleep and how I feel each day.    I've raved about yoga in the past... but haven't been consistent in my daily practice.      (If only could motivate myself to start walking again.  That would be rich.)

Secondly... I'm jumping on board a 'singles' group at a local church.   My cousin turned me on to the idea,and I decided to run with it.   This is huge for me.... because I'm actually having to talk to new people.  If you know me, you know I typically don't want to meet new people.  Remember?  I have too many friends already. haha.    
It should be interesting to actually meet single people my age.   Though I get a strong sense that the stereotypes about middle aged single people are true.   (yikes.  where do I fit in?!)

On the home front I'm trying to be more intentional with my boys as well.    We have now started cooking dinner together each night.  (well.... when we eat at home)
 We also have a weekly cleaning schedule that's pretty habitual now.  
There is so much that I want the boys to perfect before they live on their own.    I'm in full training mode these days.
Next on my "training" list will be taking Daniel out to drive.    Unbelievable.

I feel a big transition for our family over the next few years.   Time really does fly.   I'm waiting anxiously in the wings hoping that God will illuminate our paths.

end of summer.

Ha.   Summer.   I vaguely remember it.   But it was fast.   Probably the fastest.  Ever.

Rewinding to the start of summer.... Recall that nifty screen time chart that I made?
That was a joke.
And... my goal to drop my last 30 pounds this summer?
Nonsense.   We had way too much fun.  I actually gained 7 pounds.   My "summer weight" as I call it.
And remember how I always rave about my summer sleep schedule?
Well...apparently I'm a grown up now!.... because I was up and moving by 7am most days and on my morning walk by 8am.   hm.


Please don't ask what we did this summer.... because I'm not really sure.   The days were full. There were lots of people.   A few day trips.   A few over night trips.    And everything was tied up nicely last week when we vacationed at Topsail Island with my family.  

We had a great week at the beach!    I think that everyone enjoyed their time together.   I really enjoyed the lack of agenda and being "unplugged" for several days.  I enjoyed watching the boys boogie board and not get eaten by sharks.

I liked being away from reality so much that I didn't want to come home.    Seriously.     I had to pep talk myself all the way home.    The best motivation that I could come up with was that "the cats will be glad to see us".
And they were.

This week is full of appointments and preparations for school.   The boys will be slumming off to 8th and 9th grade on Monday-- while I enjoy a couple of weeks before preschool starts.
As always I am starting to crave our school routine.  This year, mainly for a more predictable eating schedule.    But basically because we all function better on a schedule.

This time of year usually throws me for a curve.   With the start of school and work, as well as remembering Thayer's death anniversary and his birthday.   Everything kinda gets smashed in there together.

I was starting to feel anxious today.   With all of that stuff on my mind a new concern popped up.

 (Not sure if I have written about this before, but Mr. Q was diagnosed with cancer this past January.)   The vet told me a "few months".   I figured that he would be gone before we had our beach vacation.   I had pictured a summer to grieve the death of our cat.    Amazingly.... he's still here.
Just yesterday I realized that his tumor has grown.   And then it hit me that this fall might be our season to grieve.   I'm not prepared for that.   I'm not prepared for missing work, and school, to bury a cat.   I'm not prepared for this kind of thing to happen on top of everything else that this season brings.  Our schedule is too full to add death.
ha.  I sound so absurd.  Who's ever ready for death?

Though I have been praying that God will take Mr. Q sooner than later. (and that I won't have to make the decision).
Lucas is still wishing we could help Mr. Q.... and I have repeatedly explained that Mr. Q is dying.  

wow.   This is gonna be so hard.

whew.  deep breath.
We never know what tomorrow will bring.
I just hope we make it smoothly through the next few weeks.

plans change

I just finished watching a series on Netflix.   You know how some series end with a fast forward?   The last scene usually shows where everyone ended up and it's packaged neatly with a bow?
The show today threw me for a loop, with a two year fast forward.... and I may have shed a few tears over the characters.

Just like life.   Who knows where any of us will be in two years?!  The possibilities are pretty much endless.    We can strive and plan for what we'd like to happen, but in reality everything can change.
I, for one, can testify that life plans can change in an instant.

Just this week I have noticed changes that I would have never anticipated, or planned.
Simple things really.   But simple things could change an entire course.

First of all...  Let me say how effective God can be at changing things in our hearts and minds.
As many of you know I went to Uganda in 2011.   Ever since my return I have had plans to take my boys to experience Africa.   The year has been set.  2017.  I have planned for it.  Talked about it.  Set aside money for it.   My kids have even received some of the shots required to travel abroad.
And then.... just like that.... God said.... "Eh.  That's overrated. Why don't you let your kids experience another culture when they go with the church to Mexico?"

What, God?   I had plans!  They need to go to Africa.  2017.  I've talked about this for years.

Just like that.  Overnight.  (Actually during one of my morning walks).  My long term plan kind of evaporated.  poof.
And ya know what?  I'm okay with it.
Who even knows where we'll be in two years?


This week Lucas and I shared a difficult day together.   It was a challenge for me.  (It brought me back to the days/years following Thayer's death when Lucas was angry and unpredictable).  I didn't have a clue what to do that day.   I had not planned on having such a sucky day.   I had to pull up my bootstraps and do the single parent thing the best I could.  
(I have a great support system who offered to step in and help.  Their encouragement, and listening went a long way.  thank you!)

And you know what?   The next day things were back to normal!  Smooth sailing again.   During that one day of strife I was reminded of how quickly things could change.  In our case it was just a bad day.   Just like Alexander's mom says, "some days are like that, even in Australia."

We can't predict where we'll be in two years.   We can't even state in certainty if we'll be around at the end of the day.      
I can make daily plans that are blocked by a barricaded door.
Or God can change plans that we thought all along were a good idea.

I think the best part of knowing God is in charge... is also knowing that whatever changes occur are for the best.
 Bring it.

If anything, I think I'm learning to be flexible.   To roll with it.
Have no regrets.

again

Another young man lost his life in a motorcycle accident this weekend.   The details of the accident sounded eerily similar to Thayer's.    I was able to put myself in the shoes of his family... because we've been there.  This guy leaves behind two kids too.  

It's a tragedy.  Fatherless kids.

The topic of fathers has been on my mind lately.  

 I don't know what it's like to grow up without a Dad.    My Dad has always been around.   And I can't imagine a childhood without my Dad in the household.

My boys aren't at the point where they talk much about their 'feelings'.... but I know that they must miss a Dad in their lives.     One of my widow friends shared with me that her son, now a teenager, actually expressed that he missed his Dad.      And I'm sure my boys do too.  
So many milestones are upon us.   And the list will continue to grow.  

I've been embarrassing my boys lately with talks about puberty and their changing bodies.   I talk about weird stuff and we all laugh about it.     But really....How odd it must be for them to have their Mom at the helm of puberty talks.  
It's just our reality and we roll with it.

I'm watching a show on Netflix that is dealing with some deep stuff within a blended type family.   I thought the show revolved around a foster kid who was reunited with her birth parents.... but in actuality, the show is revealing the reality of most families.   People have Daddy issues. People have Mommy issues.  There is rejection, loneliness, regret.   And everyone has the need to feel wanted and  loved.

I'm sure that these fatherless kids will have so many feelings to dig through as they get older.   And the damage is clearly a lifelong struggle.
But in the end I hope that my boys feel loved.   Really loved.

whatev

Week 2 of kids being out of school.
Last week I posted this list on my fridge:

It's not going so well.

Daniel never reads... because he doesn't want screen time.... (except late at night to watch a movie).   Daniel is outside ALL day....
but now Lucas is starting to catch on that I'm not consistent with Daniel and the list.

Daniel seems to understand my ideal summer would include locking them outside and telling them to be home in time for dinner.  He's getting pretty good at this concept.

Lucas on the other hand manages to wake up early and complete most of this list before I'm even out of the shower... so that he can start the video games.  The first three days of  "creative" outdoor activities included these winners:
(Clearly I'm very patient)

Day 1

Day 2.  

Day 3

Then there's me.
I have spent the last two days binge watching Chasing Life on Netflix.   Clearly not setting an example for these boys.

But I have to remind myself that it's summer!    I think we all deserve some days to CHILL!

We are coming up on days and weeks that are filled with activities.    I'm hoping that the screen time dilemna will fix itself as we are out and about this summer.  
Our spontaneous camping trips and lake trips should help a lot.

I thought about implementing time restrictions, or certain times of day that I would allow the screens. (You know... Actually being a parent and having rules)
But my reality says that every day this summer will be different for us and it would be nearly impossible to stay consistent.
We'll see what shakes out.

best day ever

I have to say that today was probably the best Mother's Day of my mothering years.
We had plans to go hiking so we packed our lunch bag and started getting ready for the day.

The boys honored my mother's day wish by giving me a new picnic blanket.... just like I had requested.   I think this is the first year that they have gifted on their own accord.    I am proud.
And... I am officially old.  (please give me a picnic blanket. geez)

Our original hiking companions were unable to come today, so we headed across town to get another boy, from another mother.  (I was privileged to sneak Matthew away from his own mother for many hours today.  Thanks, Trena!)
We had a special breakfast at Bojangles.   (only special because my kids would never have agreed to Bojangles on a normal day!)

We hit the road and headed toward Mt. Pleasant for a day of hiking.   I was a pretty rad mom, maneuvering up a bumpy dirt road all on my own.   I remember when Thayer first took me to Cold Mountain, on the same road... and I was so intimidated by the ruts and bumps.  I thought he was so bad ass.... getting us to the hiking location.   This time I was driving like a boss!  ha.
More proof that I might actually be an adult!  ack!

We arrived at the trail head at noon.    My boys have camped on Mt. Pleasant, twice, so they knew what to expect and where to go.
I love having teen boys!

My big accomplishment on the hike was that I peed in the woods!!   Go Jill!     I was quite pleased that I remembered how.    And I recalled the first time I peed in the woods, back when I was dating Thayer.   I think it was my sister-in-law who had to teach me.    I squated like a pro today.  :)
To my horror, as I continued along the path.... the boys pointed out that my choice squatting location was in clear view of the looping trail!  Thank goodness there were no other hikers in the vicinity.     I can only imagine their horror!

We hiked to the summit and had our lunch.   The boys enjoyed showing me where they had camped on their previous visits.   I was quite impressed at the secludedness and wildness of it all.
I'm 100% sure that I won't be camping there. ever.  
I have no idea how they managed to carry their gear up on their previous adventures.   It was tiring!

I noticed something about myself today.
 I'm pretty sure that a year ago, at this time, I wouldn't have even considered such a hike.   I was at my heavist weight and I probably would have died.   I still have a long way to go on my weightloss journey... but my routine of walking everyday has shown that I'm in good enough shape to hike! This is such a relief.  I'm glad that I will be able to participate in these activities with my boys.  I want this to be a summer of adventure for us!  I am glad that I can be active with them.   This is great motivation to keep getting in shape.

I calculated that we hiked about 6.5 miles this afternoon.   Our excursion on the mountain took about 3.5 hours.
Including breakfast and travel time I was able to spend a whopping 7 hours of uniterrupted time with the kids.   I had a blast!!

After returning home, we showered and ordered pizza delivery!  (which I never order delivery!  this MUST be a special day!)   We watched a documentary about the Lemurs of Madagascar.... AND I still had time to download these pictures and blog!

I couldn't have asked for a better day!
I'm a blessed Mom indeed.

poor little bunny

I was out of service for two days with a nasty stomach bug.
The kids hid out in the basement while they were home.  
Thankfully, my Dad took them to ride bikes and out for dinner.... but then they retreated back to the basement.

It's amazing how they didn't check on me, or offer to help their sick mom.
At all.

When they happened to come out of their cave to go to the bathroom or get a snack, I would ask them to refill my cup or feed the cats... which they begrudgingly did.
Once I was back on my feet and ventured through the house I saw that the dishes were piled on the counter and things just thrown about.
I cleaned up, scooped the cat litter and did laundry.
I'm wondering what would happen if I were REALLY sick for a length of time?
 Or.... if I were to die in my bed... how long would it take my kids to notice?

Am I preparing them to be good husbands?
Don't get me wrong.  My boys are good at many things.  And can be helpful when asked.
But as far as initiative.... they lack it.
And their compassion...
 mirrors mine.

oh yeah
It looks like we all have some things to work on!