breathe

I have recently bought the Taylor Swift CD. Amazingly, the whole CD is pretty singable and I have enjoyed singing in my new ride.
One song in particular quickly sets me to thinking about Thayer. I think it's written about a "break-up" but I find that it's pretty suitable in my situation as well.

Check out the Lyrics to "Breathe" here.

or watch...




okay. so... this song summarizes how I'm feeling right now. Sure... I never wanted him to go... he was all I had known for almost 11 years, and this past year could somewhat be compared to a "break-up". "never simple, never easy".
It's been hard to "breathe" but I HAVE to.
and by golly... I WANT to breathe again.

So... here's the deal. First let me say that I, in no way, want to belittle the wonderful impact that Thayer had on our lives. And I don't want anyone to be offended as I continue on with my life. But the fact is... that I NEED to continue on with my life.
Trying to put this tactfully...
I have had recent developments in my social life that have made me downright giddy....
and as I continue with my grief... AND experience a new happiness... I'm just not sure what kind of turn this blog will take.
I know that there is no guarantee that my new "giddiness" will last but I am enjoying it nonetheless. And I would still like you guys to follow me and pray for me through my new adventures....
I'll keep you posted thru better and worse....as always. :-)

I'm just trying to catch my breath.

hip mama

I've finally done it. I've finally joined the rest of America... and purchased a cell phone!! that's right folks... it's unbelievable.
I walked into the Verizon store and said "I need a phone... that calls people".
I refused the blue tooth stuff, the blackberry stuff, the texting stuff, etc. etc. I kept saying "I just need a phone that calls... that's it".
The very patient salesman directed me to the cheapest "calling" phone and then proceeded to answer all of my ignorant questions. The saleman seemed mildly entertained that I didn't have a clue about the cell phone world. I'm glad that I gave him a few chuckles.
He quickly hooked me up with my new leash and I'm as happy as a cougar. :-)
(hehe)
call me and get my new number!!! asap.

the beach scattering

Here's a really delayed update on our time of memorial at the beach with my family:

On August 13th, my Dad took us out to eat at the Boundary House Restaurant in Calabash, NC. He wanted to treat us to a dinner in memory of Thayer. He gave each of us a cutsie little tealight that we lit in honor of Thayer, and we enjoyed a yummy meal.

Afterwards, we headed back to the rental house and proceeded to head out to the beach to scatter the remainder of Thayer's ashes.

I did not fully prep the kids on my expectations (which I now regret) but I was hoping that we could get the job done without too much chaos. I said a brief prayer and then allowed everyone to grab a handful of ashes to scatter in the surf.

To my utter embarrasement, and horror, I turned to see my sister covered in ashes... her face and clothes coated in "thayer". I immediately assumed that L had intentionally thrown a handful at her. I was somewhat humored -but instantly very upset with L... and therefore distracted thru the rest of the process.

* But to my relief, I later learned that he had just spun around as he was tossing the ashes... and with the spin and the direction of the wind.... my lovely sis was just purely unlucky. (something we had joked about just days before) oops.

My sister wasn't the only one to have a sampling of ashes in her face that evening.

My nephew rubbed his eyes with ash covered hands. and my neice had some of it blow into her eyes as well.

(I know that this probably isn't a very tasteful picture... but I think it's funny)
:-)

It was a time of several mixed emotions. I seemed to be in business mode... just wanting to finish the job, the kids were having a field day, some of us were laughing, while others were crying. It was a quick, interesting few moments. I've got to admit that it wasn't similar to the experience that I had shared with Thad and the kids in June. But that's okay! I think Thayer would have laughed at us.... and probably even made comments about what a weird family we are. :-)

I just keep thinking how neat it is that Thayer's ashes have been scattered in the mountains and at the beach. I can't think of anywhere cooler to be scattered. Thayer really enjoyed times in both locations. I am happy that we have been able to return his ashes to the elements.... knowing full well that he is currently whole with Christ.

I miss him dearly but I rejoice in the freedom and peace that he now has.

oh... to be in the presence of Jesus....

101 things that make Jill smile :-)

I compiled this list for some folks on Facebook and I thought that the rest of you might get a kick out of it. I challenge you to make your own lists...it was pretty fun to do :-)

in no particular order:
1. road trips
2.kids in bubble baths
3. boxer briefs/ boxer shorts
4. Thayer
5.Cacti
6. hot showers
7. anything orange
8. cowboys
9. feather pillows
10. buying flowers for myself
11. toenail polish
12 late night conversations
13. Mike's hard pomegranate lemonade
14.pizza
15. Aunt Cindy's soap
16. toothless grins
17. being pursued
18. The Goat Chronicles and those funny folks in Colorado.
19. little blue eyed boys
20.riding shotgun in a truck
21.smiles from angels
22. Pumpkins
23. younger men
24. first day of school
25.October
26. Andrew Peterson
27. new shoes
28. scrapbooks
29. falling in love
30.Halloween
31. singing in the car
32. popcorn and chocolate milk
33. reading in bed
34. new babies
35. snail mail
36. staying out late
37. the warmth of a hug
38. roller skating
39. fresh paint
40. knowing I am loved
41. riding mowers (and singing while riding)
42. songs that get stuck in my head
43. Colorado
44.Starting laundry at 11pm.
45.guy arms
46. riding bikes
47. driving/ hiking on the parkway
48.weddings
49. no curfew
50. thinking about the future.
51.anything to do with pirates
52.watching my favorite movies over and over
53. Body Pump class at the gym
54. The Office!! (starts again on sept. 17th!)
55.remembering the day my babies were born
56. garden flags
57.camping
58.the "slumber party goofiness" that you get when you stay up too late
59. sitting by a campfire
60. hotel rooms
61.view of the mountains
62. AJ at Best Buy
63. the thought of losing weight
64.lunch dates
65. any kind of date
66.outdoor movie night in Lowesville
67. Jared Key
68. the feeling I get after I cut the grass
69.the anticipation of hangin out with friends
70. rental cars
71. blustery fall days
72. trains
73. paper towels
74.warming my feet in hot water
75. "Tip Top Trucking"
76. greeting cards
77.kittens
78. ugly dogs
79. evenings by the ocean
80. phone calls from friends
81. when the kids go to Papa's house
82. a clean house
83. scrapbooking nights
84. hanging out at the elementary school
85.Big Cats at the zoo
86.Cory and Cathy's pictures
87. exploring
88. taking the Loonnnng way home just 'because'
89.hearing stories about myself that I don't remember and asking "was I there?"
90. Vanilla Ice
91. ladies' night
92. smoke bombs
93. people who listen to me
94. Mr. Q
95. my friends
96.Facebook Scrabble
97. Real Scrabble
98.Coleman's punch
99.Iguanas
100.being proud of my kids.
101. Joe Blair

39 years

Today would have been Thayer's 39th birthday. I can't believe that this is the second birthday that he has missed sharing with us.
I still remember icing his birthday cake when the troopers came to the door last year. We ended up throwing the cake away after his birthday came and went. And... I'm pretty sure that I will never be able to eat a German chocolate cake. I get sick just thinking about it. :(

L suggested that we send birthday balloons up to Thayer today. I picked up 6 blue balloons (his favorite color) and the boys, my parents, and I managed to sing a pretty verklempt version of 'happy birthday'. We released the balloons and then headed out for lunch. I refered to it as Thayer's birthday lunch.
(In the past, our family has always taken the birthday person out for dinner).
Lucas had the great idea that we should tell our server that it was Thayer's birthday... but we explained that it would really make the server confused since Thayer wasn't there. whew.

Today is also the one year anniversary of my friend' fiance's death. By late this afternoon, I was drained... and I think it all came at me. Just vaguely thinking about both deaths... and the birthday missed, I needed about an hour to have a little cry and lay around. the kids cleaned the basement while I "had a moment".

unrelated side note:
I hope to post about our beach time and our adventures with scattering the remainder of thayer's ashes. so check back soon....

One year.

It’s been one year since Thayer’s death. In circles of grieving people… everyone seems to talk about the “one year anniversary”. To some people, it evokes a day of sadness and longing. Some people go out and do something fun in honor of their loved one. And some people treat it as just another day.

Not knowing what to expect has made it all kind of a mystery to me.
Sure, we all know that nothing magical happens when that “one year anniversary” hits. We don’t just magically “get over” Thayer’s death and move along with our lives.
Our grieving continues.

But I do realize that this “one year anniversary” is a very bittersweet time for me. I have experienced an array of emotions over the past few days.

I think back on last year, August 16th. One of the best days as a family, and the worst night of my life. I can easily cry a river, just thinking about those moments that lead up to, and followed Thayer’s death.

Losing a spouse is devastating. In an instant, I felt as though my heart had been ripped out of my body. I vaguely remember speaking to the troopers and saying, “what am I gonna do?!” My world fell apart in a second.
It has been the fastest, hardest year of my life. To say that I miss Thayer would be an understatement.

But in a blink of an eye… one year later… amazingly…I’m still here. I may be scarred and broken.... but I'm still here and “living”. I’ve made it through this past year solely by God’s Grace, shown through massive support from family and friends. I’m certainly not “over” Thayer but I am ready to move forward with my new life. Anxiously looking upward and ahead… still wondering what God has in store for me.

I'm praying that it's good stuff. I could certainly use a better year than last...

beach ponderings

It's high tide for a blog update.
I'm currently at the beach.
As for deep thoughts....umm.... they are being absorbed by the close company of my lovely family.

Here's a brief list of things that I have pondered over in my free time:

-Spaghetti.... it's pretty filling. and when you eat several helpings.... your belly expands.
-sugar... it causes lots of gas.
-cars.... I'm deciding on a new one. I know that I should drive my van until it falls apart but it's just not fitting my cool mom vibe that I have established. ;)
-Thayer.... I'm really missing his company and his presence.
(my mom just said that "the only thing we are missing on this beach trip is Thayer") Very true.
-dating... (wow. that'll be another blog.)
-icecream....why is everyone eating it around here?
-legos... they are little.
-shells... they can cut... if you choose to wallow in them or dive into the shoreline.
-Scrabble.... is the best game. ever.
-Facebook... we have way too much time to sit around here and update our statuses.

I couldn't resist

We had a terrific time at the lake today with family. The kids fell asleep on the way home... which led to a really late bedtime. We watched the Incredibles AND L pulled out a tooth.
I was thrilled about the tooth coming out but I was not thrilled with the fact that both boys weren't settling down for bedtime....at 10:20pm!!!! ugh.

So... I had to make the call. I dialed numbers... and this is what my kids heard me say over the phone....

"Hey! how are ya?! This is Jill from (our address)....
YES!! I am so happy that L lost his tooth! isn't that great news?!...
I was wondering if you could hold off on your visit until a night when L is resting like he is supposed to....
yep, maybe tomorrow?...
okay. thanks! I'll let you know...
okay, bye.

D came out of their room like a flash to question my phone conversation. I emphasized that he heard correctly... that the tooth fairy wasn't going to come until another night. He was astonished....and quickly returned to his room to confirm the details to L.

I am all smiles. I crack myself up when I mess with my kids like this.
just another topic for them to talk about with their therapists.
;)