It's been two weeks.
Seems like forever, seems like yesterday.
No one else seems to notice 6:10pm or 7:50pm on Saturday evenings. Shouldn't everything stop at those moments? For the last two saturdays, I find myself watching the clock... remembering Aug. 16th.
6:10- the time of Thayer's accident.
7:50- the doorbell and the trooper hats. I knew instantly.
How does time continue to tick? How do people go about their daily activities? I feel like the world is continuing around me while I attempt to pick up the pieces.
I have been covered in prayers, love, support and generosity. These are the things that get me through the day. I have enjoyed laughing and talking with friends and family. I can't say enough about how wonderful everyone has been over these weeks.
But at the end of the day, I am faced with the fact that he's really not coming back.
Tonight I read part of Lament for a Son by Nicholas Wolterstorff. (I read it all the other night... thanks Jenn!)
The author pretty much says it right:
There's a hole in the world now. In the place where he was, there's now just nothing. A Center, like no other, of memory and hope and knowledge and affection which once inhabited this earth is gone. Only a gap remains. A perspective on this world unique in this world which once moved about within this world has been rubbed out. Only a void is left. There's nobody now who saw just what he saw, knows what he knew, remembers what he remembered, loves what he loved. A person, an irreplaceable person, is gone. Never again will anyone apprehend the world quite the way he did. Never again will anyone inhabit the world the way he did. Questions I have can never now get answers. The world is emptier. My (husband) is gone. Only a hole remains, a void, a gap, never to be filled.
Saturday, August 30, 2008
Wednesday, August 27, 2008
night
yep, I officially lost my patience with L tonight. He had been progressively getting "out of control" this evening. And then, over something as simple as ALL of his school shirts thrown in the bottom of his closet!!!... I snapped. I cried and yelled.
Where is Thayer when I need him for back-up? Where is the man that I count on to step in and keep us in line? Where is the calming influence of a wonderful husband and daddy? I am at such a loss as to how I am going to handle this single parent gig.
After I locked myself in my room and wept, and after L locked himself in his room and wept, I went back in to talk with him. Of course I apologized for loosing my temper and we held each other and cried. We prayed for God to give us patience with each other and prayed that we can be kind to each other even though we feel really yucky inside.
I have no idea what each moment will bring or how we will process our feelings on a day to day basis. I am so thankful to know that people are praying for us and I am confident that God will get us through. Please pray that our family can carry on with our "routine" lives even though there is a very vital piece of us that is missing.
I'm still having to remind myself that "this is really happening".
Where is Thayer when I need him for back-up? Where is the man that I count on to step in and keep us in line? Where is the calming influence of a wonderful husband and daddy? I am at such a loss as to how I am going to handle this single parent gig.
After I locked myself in my room and wept, and after L locked himself in his room and wept, I went back in to talk with him. Of course I apologized for loosing my temper and we held each other and cried. We prayed for God to give us patience with each other and prayed that we can be kind to each other even though we feel really yucky inside.
I have no idea what each moment will bring or how we will process our feelings on a day to day basis. I am so thankful to know that people are praying for us and I am confident that God will get us through. Please pray that our family can carry on with our "routine" lives even though there is a very vital piece of us that is missing.
I'm still having to remind myself that "this is really happening".
Monday, August 25, 2008
1st day
This was technically the first day of our "very different" lives.
I woke earlier than usual to get the boys up and running for school. Everything went smoothly and we were out the door and taking pictures of their first day back to school.
Instantly the picture taking was much harder than I imagined. I remembered how Thayer was with us last year at that very moment.
It breaks my heart that today was one of the "firsts" without him. I know that this is just the first of many milestone moments that will ache with emptiness.
This was a very frazzling day for me.
I went to work from 9-12:30. (That was fine). I went by Thayer's work to take some papers (that too was okay but I got weepy when I saw his desk and sat in his chair). I was so relieved to see Thayer's friend Dan... he is great and thayer really loved him. So.... I'm glad that I stopped by the workplace. :-)
Just those two activities zapped me for the day. I was exhausted by 4pm.
The boys made it home eventually after a bus delay ( I waited at the bus stop for almost an hour!!)
A wonderful gal from church delivered dinner and we finished our night with baths, homework, devotions, reading, prayers and bed.
I want to make bedtimes a very important part of our day since Thayer was primarily the one who layed and prayed with the boys each night. I know I can't take his place but I want the boys to know that bedtimes can still be special. I think that is the time of day when they are most willing to talk about how they feel. I love snuggling and kissing on them :-)
(on a side note: I am trying to take one moment at a time but my "t0-do" list is getting longer by the day. Papers I need to find, forms I need to fill out, appointments I need to make, etc. etc. I never realized how much "business" is required after a death. Please pray that I can tackle one thing at a time and not get overly stressed about the details. )
I woke earlier than usual to get the boys up and running for school. Everything went smoothly and we were out the door and taking pictures of their first day back to school.
Instantly the picture taking was much harder than I imagined. I remembered how Thayer was with us last year at that very moment.
It breaks my heart that today was one of the "firsts" without him. I know that this is just the first of many milestone moments that will ache with emptiness.
This was a very frazzling day for me.
I went to work from 9-12:30. (That was fine). I went by Thayer's work to take some papers (that too was okay but I got weepy when I saw his desk and sat in his chair). I was so relieved to see Thayer's friend Dan... he is great and thayer really loved him. So.... I'm glad that I stopped by the workplace. :-)
Just those two activities zapped me for the day. I was exhausted by 4pm.
The boys made it home eventually after a bus delay ( I waited at the bus stop for almost an hour!!)
A wonderful gal from church delivered dinner and we finished our night with baths, homework, devotions, reading, prayers and bed.
I want to make bedtimes a very important part of our day since Thayer was primarily the one who layed and prayed with the boys each night. I know I can't take his place but I want the boys to know that bedtimes can still be special. I think that is the time of day when they are most willing to talk about how they feel. I love snuggling and kissing on them :-)
(on a side note: I am trying to take one moment at a time but my "t0-do" list is getting longer by the day. Papers I need to find, forms I need to fill out, appointments I need to make, etc. etc. I never realized how much "business" is required after a death. Please pray that I can tackle one thing at a time and not get overly stressed about the details. )
Saturday, August 23, 2008
"I have come undone but I have just begun"
(Those are lyrics to one of my new favorite songs by Francesca Battistelli.
God placed her CD in my hand the same day that I was out to buy Thayer's 38th birthday gift. At first listen I thought the songs sounded cool but now I realize that God intended this CD for me at this time in my life.)
As many of you know, we were unable to celebrate Thayer's birthday because he was killed in a motorcycle accident one week ago.
Last Saturday evening the doorbell rang accompanied by the presence of two State Troopers. I knew instantly that Thayer was gone.
At that moment I had to let "go of the life I planned for me... and my dreams". (once again- Lyrics from Francesca)
I was instantly reminded that God is so "Unpredictable" (Francesca)
Even in the midst of this complete devastation and shock, I am reminded of God's unending love. He has shown me unbelievably amazing things just during the first week. I have been surrounded by family and friends and I have felt the intense blanket of prayer that covers our little family. I have been able to wake each day and get out of bed.... I believe that it is only by God's Grace that I am functioning and facing each day. He has given me songs throughout the day that keep me up and moving.
I just can't say enough about the support and love that we are receiving!! I just checked a few other sites and blogs and I realize that even the internet is full of people who are praying for us! That is so powerful and we FEEL it!!
Thank you ALL!!!
Thayer's brother and his family just left today. Please pray that we can adjust to our new reality.
I have no idea what God has in store for us but Jeremiah 29:11 has given me great hope... For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.
I plan to share more details about our experience soon.....
thanks again for all the prayers, love and support!
God placed her CD in my hand the same day that I was out to buy Thayer's 38th birthday gift. At first listen I thought the songs sounded cool but now I realize that God intended this CD for me at this time in my life.)
As many of you know, we were unable to celebrate Thayer's birthday because he was killed in a motorcycle accident one week ago.
Last Saturday evening the doorbell rang accompanied by the presence of two State Troopers. I knew instantly that Thayer was gone.
At that moment I had to let "go of the life I planned for me... and my dreams". (once again- Lyrics from Francesca)
I was instantly reminded that God is so "Unpredictable" (Francesca)
Even in the midst of this complete devastation and shock, I am reminded of God's unending love. He has shown me unbelievably amazing things just during the first week. I have been surrounded by family and friends and I have felt the intense blanket of prayer that covers our little family. I have been able to wake each day and get out of bed.... I believe that it is only by God's Grace that I am functioning and facing each day. He has given me songs throughout the day that keep me up and moving.
I just can't say enough about the support and love that we are receiving!! I just checked a few other sites and blogs and I realize that even the internet is full of people who are praying for us! That is so powerful and we FEEL it!!
Thank you ALL!!!
Thayer's brother and his family just left today. Please pray that we can adjust to our new reality.
I have no idea what God has in store for us but Jeremiah 29:11 has given me great hope... For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.
I plan to share more details about our experience soon.....
thanks again for all the prayers, love and support!
Monday, August 11, 2008
Wrapping it up
It seems that summer is coming to an end. Atleast the "school" version of summer. The kids and I both start back on August 25th. I'm not sure why we start so early in this town... especially since school is in session until the middle of June!!!
Anywho.
We've had a great run this summer but I put off lots of things that should have been done. I've recenltly scheduled all of the "lunch dates" that I've been meaning to schedule all summer. The next few days will be full of catching up with old friends.
D is in Sports Camp this week at a local church. That should be fun. L is too young to attend so I've got to be creative with ways to keep him occupied in the mornings.
on a totally exciting side note:
I have recently started walking/running with my good neighbor friend. We go to the track several nights each week. We've been running the straights and walking the curves of the track. I never, ever, thought I would enjoy running..... and it has been really energizing. Exhausting, yes, but I feel great after the fact. I'm hoping that I can run off a few pounds in the process.
To accent my new exercise plan I've been on a nutrition kick. Actually the exercise plan has been accenting my new nutrition goals. I am making big changes when I go grocery shopping!!
To catch you up on things:
I attended a brief nutrition class that was offered at church. The instructor recommended some books. I just finished reading The Healthiest Kid in the Neighborhood and I am really convinced about what the book suggests. I am avoiding high fructose corn syrup, hydrogenated oils, fake sugars (aspartame, splenda, etc. etc.), nitrates and nitrites. I am also only looking for carbs that are accompanied by fiber and protein.
This has actually become a fun mission. I read labels carefully at the store and I simply don't purchase things with the junk ingredients. It basically leaves me shopping the perimeters of the store.... which are the fresh foods, dairy, etc. I also stop by the cereal aisle and look for cereals that have atleast 3g of figer, 5g of protein and less than 7g of sugar. (Kashi is a great brand that has the good stuff. My guys love the 'cinnamon harvest' )
I am aiming to become an "80/20" family or ultimately a "90/10" family. If I only have good foods available at home, we can eat well atleast 80 or 90 percent of the time. And we can enjoy some junk food while we are out or with friends. Don't get me wrong, it will be nice to splurge on a soda at mcdonalds once in a while! :-)
gotta run and make a smoothie for L. (smoothies are a great way to pack in the nutrients!!)
;)
Anywho.
We've had a great run this summer but I put off lots of things that should have been done. I've recenltly scheduled all of the "lunch dates" that I've been meaning to schedule all summer. The next few days will be full of catching up with old friends.
D is in Sports Camp this week at a local church. That should be fun. L is too young to attend so I've got to be creative with ways to keep him occupied in the mornings.
on a totally exciting side note:
I have recently started walking/running with my good neighbor friend. We go to the track several nights each week. We've been running the straights and walking the curves of the track. I never, ever, thought I would enjoy running..... and it has been really energizing. Exhausting, yes, but I feel great after the fact. I'm hoping that I can run off a few pounds in the process.
To accent my new exercise plan I've been on a nutrition kick. Actually the exercise plan has been accenting my new nutrition goals. I am making big changes when I go grocery shopping!!
To catch you up on things:
I attended a brief nutrition class that was offered at church. The instructor recommended some books. I just finished reading The Healthiest Kid in the Neighborhood and I am really convinced about what the book suggests. I am avoiding high fructose corn syrup, hydrogenated oils, fake sugars (aspartame, splenda, etc. etc.), nitrates and nitrites. I am also only looking for carbs that are accompanied by fiber and protein.
This has actually become a fun mission. I read labels carefully at the store and I simply don't purchase things with the junk ingredients. It basically leaves me shopping the perimeters of the store.... which are the fresh foods, dairy, etc. I also stop by the cereal aisle and look for cereals that have atleast 3g of figer, 5g of protein and less than 7g of sugar. (Kashi is a great brand that has the good stuff. My guys love the 'cinnamon harvest' )
I am aiming to become an "80/20" family or ultimately a "90/10" family. If I only have good foods available at home, we can eat well atleast 80 or 90 percent of the time. And we can enjoy some junk food while we are out or with friends. Don't get me wrong, it will be nice to splurge on a soda at mcdonalds once in a while! :-)
gotta run and make a smoothie for L. (smoothies are a great way to pack in the nutrients!!)
;)
Friday, August 01, 2008
really, truly, no cable.
well.
After the great victory with disconnecting the cable line from the tv, our genious kids figured out how to reconnet the wires. And they got back into the cartoon network.
I finally took matters into my own very capable hands and completely removed the cable cords. The line is currently in my pajama drawer, somewhere, hidden.
Note to self (and others): Kids are very smart, very resourceful, and very good with mechanical stuff. Find good hiding places.
After the great victory with disconnecting the cable line from the tv, our genious kids figured out how to reconnet the wires. And they got back into the cartoon network.
I finally took matters into my own very capable hands and completely removed the cable cords. The line is currently in my pajama drawer, somewhere, hidden.
Note to self (and others): Kids are very smart, very resourceful, and very good with mechanical stuff. Find good hiding places.
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