Lucas set up our Christmas tree yesterday.    Then he, Daniel and a neighbor kid decorated it.  It was done in a flash, and I didn't lift a finger.    
I can recall the same thing happened last year.  

And there begins a new holiday tradition.  :)

I picked through the three remaining plastic tubs that contain our Christmas 'decorations'.   And I was reminded that 'yes', I had cleaned out the clutter of Christmas knick knacks sometime after Thayer died.   Christmas changed for me that year.    And I became a minimalist.

I can remember years past... when I would have to remove pictures and items from rooms, in order to put out all of the Christmas 'stuff'.     This year I put a candle in the kitchen, a reindeer by the fireplace, a few other items.... and I was done.
That was easy.
I think, somehow, we have fewer items than last year.

I was surprised, early on, to discover a new Christmas shower curtain that Sabrina gave me last year.  I dig it.  It doesn't collect dust or clutter things up.  So I was thrilled to have  reason to clean my bathroom and hang it.

All of that to say... Christmas has arrived at our house. 
It's not showy.  But I like it.

thankful

I woke up to read a barrage of "I'm thankful for"s on Facebook today.  
I've got to admit I was a little grouchy about the whole thing.  Why wait until one specific day to blabber on and on about how much you love your family? 
Yes, we know your kids are a blessing and your husband is the most wonderful thing to walk the planet.
I get that. 
(and you should be telling your husband that EVERY day!)

I'm thankful for alot of things too.
I just wasn't sure I could update my facebook status to explain how I am thankful.

Luckily, I read this blog... and a contributing gal, Jackie Chandler, seemed to echo my own thoughts.  Here's what she had to say:

The unthankful heart discovers no mercies; but the thankful heart will find, in every hour, some heavenly blessings.

-- Henry Ward Beecher

I have found that at times, I am a whiny, ungrateful little sap. I moan at life's injustice and cry out at the lot I have been given. I beat my fists against fate and want to scream when I hear "It happened for a reason". What the hell reason could it be that I had to lose my love so early? What reason is there that my children have to go to bed without their daddy's furry kiss?


But this quote and a few others like it help me to remember that perhaps there isn't a "reason" but a blessing for all things.


I am not blessed that Jeff is gone. But I am stronger, more empathetic and kinder since losing such a huge piece of my heart and life. And I am thankful for this....


I am thankful for my community and friends who support me with their love and generosity, reminding me that I am not alone.


I am thankful for the other widows I know and continue to meet for although we are all broken, we all seem to share a wicked sense of humour and an understanding of the truly important things in life.


I am thankful for every day that I am able to spend holding our small children's hands for I could have been the one who died.


I am thankful for the love he gave me and memories I have stored in my heart available when I need him close. It is NOT the same as having him here, but I am thankful that I did for a time.


And I am thankful for the opportunity to learn, grow and become who I am.

Yeah, she covers it all. 
Alot of my situation sucks.... and I'm missing Thayer tonight.
But as I count my blessings, I have many.

What I said:

Last week, I had the opportunity to speak at a Mission Link fundraiser Tea.   For those of you who are interested..... this is what I said:


Hi. My name is Jill Botham. I first met Rick Sadler when he was pastoring the church that I was attending in Lynchburg, back in the 90s. My husband, Thayer, and I were married in 1999 and Rick officiated at our wedding ceremony. I knew, back in the day, that Rick had great plans for the future of his ministry… and I think that Mission Link was born right around that time. Shortly after our wedding, Rick and Candy moved to Charlottesville… and Thayer and I focused on starting our little family. We have two children, Daniel and Lucas (they are 11 and 9 years old now). Over the years, Thayer had several job changes and we even lived in the Charlottesville area for 3 years. All the while, we would receive the Mission Link newsletter and I would read it, but ultimately just go about my business. I was happy for Rick and Candy, and their work in Uganda but I didn’t fully grasp the magnitude of their work.


In 2007, we moved back to Lynchburg, where I was born and raised. It was nice to be back with my family and to have unlimited free babysitting! Thayer quickly settled into his new job, both boys were in elementary school, I started working part time at a preschool and things were going really well.

On August 16, 2008 Thayer went out for a ride on his motorcycle and I baked a cake so that we could celebrate his birthday with my family the next day. Thayer would be celebrating his 38th birthday that week. While I was finishing up the icing on the cake, the doorbell rang. My son, Daniel, said “mom, there are police officers at the door”. I turned the corner and saw those state trooper hats and I knew instantly that Thayer was dead. I can remember sitting on my porch as the troopers gave me the news and I kept saying, “what am I gonna do? What am I going to do? I have two little boys.” My little family had fallen apart in an instant.

We were immediately surrounded by family and friends who held us up and cared for us. They are still caring for us. It has been amazing to see God shower his love on us through others. We have a tremendous support system.

Right after Thayer died, one of my friends, and sister, covered my house with encouraging Bible verses written on little yellow post-it notes. My favorite verse was posted right on the wall next to the toilet. I can remember retreating to the bathroom when our house was full of people and staring at Jeremiah 29:11, that says, “for I know the plans I have for you declares the Lord, Plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future”. That verse quickly became MY verse. I claimed it as my own. I realized that even on the days when I have NO hope… God promises to GIVE me hope. I still cling to his promise to give me hope AND a future. And to give my boys a future.

About two years after Thayer’s death, I received a Mission Link newsletter that said something about a ‘widow’s ministry’. I’m not even sure what it was ‘advertising’ but I instantly got excited. I thought, ‘hey! I can relate to that! That is something I should be a part of!’ I emailed Rick to say that I would be interested in doing ‘something’ in the future. I didn’t have any idea what I would be able to do. I had no qualifications, other than being a widow. He basically got back in touch with me and said, “hey… why don’t you come to Uganda in February? “ Ha. That seemed like a crazy request…. But so crazy that I felt the need to do it. It was exciting to think about…. And it was WAY out of my comfort zone. I remember sitting on my couch and thinking, “I’m going to do this. This is so cool!”. God gave me a complete peace about just saying ‘yes’ to a huge trip. I hadn’t thought about childcare or any of the logistics… but I was going to go. Everything worked out for me to book my ticket and plan for the trip. My family and friends agreed to keep my kids while I was out of the country and everything fell into place. I even managed to find enough skirts to pack for the trip. I do NOT wear skirts…. So that, in itself, was a cultural challenge for me.

February rolled around and I boarded a plane with a group of strangers, to fly overseas, for the first time. In fact, this was my first mission trip…. And I was going to AFRICA! I guess if I’m gonna do it, I should do it big.

The trip was nothing short of life changing. Africa was beautiful. Uganda was beautiful, the people were beautiful,their language was beautiful. Everything was beautiful. I am so thankful that I had the opportunity to go.

I was actually inspired by the simplicity of life. There was no overwhelming technology and busy-ness like the stuff that drains our time here in America. The people in the villages had nothing by America’s standards… but I think they had a better grip on what is important in life. I was very encouraged by seeing how much of the world lives.

We had an opportunity to meet with a few groups of widows. First, I was impressed… it appeared that, these ladies gathered together on a regular basis. I, personally, thrive on community. After my husband died I started gathering with a group of young widows, like myself, so I could surround myself with other people who ‘get it’. So naturally I was excited to see these Ugandans who had gathered to share their experiences.

I had been instructed by Rick, and others, that I would be sharing some of my story with these ladies. I am totally not a public speaker so I fumbled through what I thought I should say and then the Ugandan widows were encouraged to stand and share their own story. Several had lost their husbands to AIDS and other illnesses. And others had lost their husbands in accidents. One young widow, caught my attention as she explained the details of her husband’s death because it was very similar to my own story.

I was pleasantly surprised to hear so many of these widows give thanks and praise to God. Through their hurt, they still acknowledged God’s provisions.

I had so much in common with these ladies. I realize that death is a tragedy, no matter where you live. That the pain and loss associated with death is no different if you live in a mansion in Charlottesville Virginia or in a hut in an African village.

But yet, Here I am, in America, where I am receiving social security and life insurance benefits. And my children attend public school for free. That’s my kind of providing. God has clearly provided for me. I haven’t lacked in physical or financial need since Thayer’s death. How is it that these African women can claim that God is providing for them? They have no help from the government and many of their own families have disowned them. It is heartbreaking to hear their stories of survival. And perhaps that is how God is providing… he is simply keeping them alive. And to hear these women praise God…it’s simply amazing. And it’s a wake-up call for myself. To praise God no matter what my circumstance.

The Ugandan widows are struggling to survive. Most of these ladies work in the field for their main source of income. They are struggling to make ends meet and they need to pay school tuition for their kids.

I am so thankful that Mission Link has a heart for the widows of Uganda. I am encouraged to hear of the skills that are going to be taught and the resources that can be shared with these women. I know that I have only participated in a tiny aspect of this ministry, but it has been life changing. I am excited to see how this ministry grows.

manly men

I just started reading
5 Conversations you must have with your son.      My sister loaned the book to me a few months ago.   And I must admit that I was slow to get started.

I tend to read in spurts... and I hadn't picked up a book in quite a while.   Once I felt the nudge, I deemed it very important to get reacquainted with my vampire friends.  
Now that I'm all caught up on the important things, I figured that I would start something practical.

Honestly, I was a bit hesitant to start this new book because I was sure that it would convict me of my shortcomings... and somehow point out how dysfunctional my parenting techniques may be.

Surprisingly, so far, I'm pleased.

The first conversation is simply:
"Don't define manhood by the culture's wimpy standards.  It's OK to be a man!"

Of course!  I can handle that discussion!  
The author basically describes how boys are boys... how they are wired for adventure... and how our culture tries to tame them.     

I loved the chapter she titles "Warning: Helicopter Moms Are Dangerous to a Boy's Health"

I totally agree.     I hope that those who know me, know that I am a far cry from a helicopter mom.   And I am proud of it.   I have made an intentional decision to let my boys be boys.   To let them do the things that Thayer would have encouraged.    I want them to explore and learn by trial and error.

Of course, sometimes I wonder if I give them too much freedom.   And I know that some of you think I do.... but honestly, they are learning alot about themselves and the consequences of their actions. 

For instance... the airsoft guns seemed like a great idea while my boys were using targets and practicing gun safety.   But as soon as they started running through the woods with the neighbors, and using each other as targets.... I did step in and make the decision that they were not allowed to own another airsoft pistol until they become "responsible".  (current estimated age: 13) haha.

Sure, the airsoft 'experiment' went awry but there are far more instances of 'boy things' that go well.   And I am so proud of what they are accomplishing as they get older.

All of this to say,
Conversation #1... currently ongoing.  
There is lots of 'man' to nurture in these two boys.
 I pray that they'll turn out okay:)
(or atleast as good as other men we know...)

a small soapbox...

What is the fascination with sports in America?      I know I'm not the only one who gets fed up with the money and energy spent on watching a bunch of grown men running around and playing games.
Who decided that it would be okay to have billions of American dollars invested in playing games?   And who decided that it had to be football, baseball or basketball?
How about kickball, four square or... double-dutch jump rope?
And don't even get me started on the salaries of these game players. 
Gym teachers play those games every day and they don't make that kind of money!!

I was at the rollerskating rink today and the tv was set on ESPN.   I lost track of how many men would stop and gawk at the tv.     They couldn't help themselves.

As an outsider... looking in at sports fanaticism... I am quick to say that it is absurd.  
Who deemed it necessary to have tv channels completely devoted to sports?  And even more.... who deemed "Sports" as necessity in the evening news or the newspaper?  
There are people starving and dying all over the world.  There is real life, human trafficking here in the US.  The US owes a gazillion dollars to China.    The list goes on and on.
But somehow it's acceptable to pour money into watching people play games.
Perhaps watching people play games, and paying them to do it, is a way to escape the real life issues that plague our country.  I dunno.

My kids generally like to play games.  They play tag, they toss the ball around, they skateboard, they wrestle.  
Feel free to come over and watch them.... for free.
And give your money to something that matters.

the end.

boys

My boys have been doing 'boy' things right under my unsuspecting nose lately.  Yesterday, Lucas filled a bowl with m&ms and melted them in the microwave.  He was hoping to melt, cool, and make a larger piece of chocolate.     I was feet away, in the living room... listening to the experiment.    I didn't intervene until the boys started to exclaim that the smoke alarms were probably going to sound.    Lucas had charred the m&ms until the kitchen was full of smoke and smoke was streaming from the bowl.    I helped clear the air and then explained how it's not safe to play with microwaves.    I think they effectively learned through experimentation.  Cool moms encourage that, right?   hehe.

Today, I looked out the window to see my youngest son going down the zip-line in our backyard.

Now... some of you know the history behind the zip-line.   But for those of you who don't... let's just say that it hasn't been usable, ever.

Thayer started the project and was never able to finish it.   Other friends came to get it working... but it was never deemed safe.  So the metal wire has been hanging, unused for over three years.

I was quite surprised the kids had unearthed the equipment from the basement.   They had managed to get the trolley thing attached and the 'safety-ish' rope.  They had also been switching between handle bars and a harness. 
Being a semi-responsible mother, I headed outside to express some concern for their safety.   I was quickly rebutted by "We got this, mom".
O-kay. 
I decided to let them be 11 and 9 for the afternoon.  Those dudes are much more capable than I tend to believe.

As I watched from inside, I couldn't help but to start feeling great pride for my boys.  
The last time they had used the zip line,  was when Thayer was testing it out.   He had hooked the kids up and run down the line with them.   They were so much smaller then.  Thayer had to physically help them with all aspects.  Holding them up to get them in the harness, hooking the harness, etc.

And here were my 11 and 9 year old boys... who were doing it all by themselves.   They knew the mechanics of it all.  They knew how to hook things up, secure things, strap themselves in, get themselves out.  I know it's not rocket science... but I was quite impressed.
My kids, and the neighbor kids, were having blast.
This is just the kind of stuff that Thayer was planning for.  I know that he would be proud.

Lucas, neighbor kids, Daniel

wanna grow old with you...

The other week, I cried in the McDonald's drive thru.  
The line was kinda long and I sat and watched an older gentleman escort his wife to the car.      A simple walk of approximately 12 feet took the couple several minutes to complete.   The woman was hunched over and very unstable.  I watched as the man steadied her and shuffled along with her to the car.
I thought to myself that this man has really stuck with it.   What a good man.
 
How often do young couples take their wedding vows and actually think about what they are committing to?
Have they thought about the fact that one day, in their future, a trip to McDonald's might be the 'big outing' for the day?     That simple tasks might become huge hurdles?  

I'm not sure if it's because I have experienced the death of my husband, or the fact that I am getting older.... but I have become very aware of older couples in public.  
I watch them.  I try to figure them out.  
Do they still love each other?   Are they caring for each other out of desire?  or out of obligation?     I wonder if they ever imagined that it would come to this?
The couples that catch my eyes are the ones that seem to still be sweet on each other.

Today, I watched an older gentleman push his wife in a wheelchair at Walmart.     And I paused.    I had my usual moment of thoughts about what a good man he was....  And then my mind started to wander into, "who is gonna do that for me when I'm old?    Oh crap."    
I don't dwell on this for too long... because I know that God will provide for me when the time comes.

 I also wonder if these couples know how good they have it?  The fact that they have someone by their side to take care of their basic needs, to drive them to walmart, to go to McDonalds.  That's huge!!
I get so irritated by married folks who just don't get it.   
I didn't get it.
I took for granted that Thayer would just be around.  That I'd always have that secure feeling of having a man to take care of me.   That he would fix things and keep everything running.   That he would be the stability in our home.   That we would manage to raise the kids, work, retire, travel, get old and die.

You never expect that stuff to happen out of order.

Recently, an acquaintance of mine, wrote a beautiful tribute to her husband.      Her words made me cry because I could see that she gets it.   She realizes that she is blessed to have such wonderful man in her life.  I was thrilled that she acknowledged all of the little things he does... all of the important things that so often get overlooked or under appreciated.    
Her words were a blessing to me simply because she recognizes her own blessings. 

It's easy, now, for me to see how I was blessed by Thayer while he was here.    The saying is true... "you don't know what you've got until it's gone".

I'll continue to pray for that person to grow old with ....but for now, I am super thankful for my amazing family and friends.
Let's just hope that in 40 years my boys will be willing to take me to McDonalds once in a while...  that'd be nice :)