a note to my single mom friends

Christmas morning.  12:50am

My precious friends,

I get it.  And I want you to know that you are not alone today.

I'm sure that I'm not the only one that stayed up way too late, waiting for the kids to fall asleep... and therefore became a tired weepy mess.

I'm sure that I'm not the only one that couldn't stand another minute of "It's a Wonderful Life"... and decided to watch
 "P.S. I Love You" instead.  (Well... possibly I am.)

But I'm totally sure that I'm not the only one who cried while stuffing stockings.

I thought of you tonight.  Each of you.    

Some of you are spending your first Christmas without your husbands.... and my heart breaks into a million pieces for you.

Some of you can count the years without. (this is my sixth).  

And some of you have never had a husband to share the moments.

It sucks.

I'm not sure if it ever gets easier.   Each Christmas is different.   

I haven't always shed tears... but I've felt alone.

I know that our house will fill with family and laughter in the morning.   And everything will seem much better to me after a good night's sleep.   

I know that some of you may be alone for the day.   Please know that I will be thinking of you, and praying for you.

 P.S. I Love You,  had a great reminder for folks like us:

Alone or not, you gotta walk ahead.

Thing to remember is:

If we're all alone...

then we're all together in that too.

Thank you, ladies, for being together with me.

It's quite a journey.

Blessings to you and the kids today!

Merry Christmas!

thinning

I read.  Occassionally.  So to say that I've been absorbing a book for the last month is a big deal.  I was instructed to read The Yearling written by Marjorie Kinnan Rawlings.   Well... not personally instructed... but for the past few years, Andrew Peterson has been pushing this book....and even refers to it on his new album.   And you guys know that if Andrew Peterson suggests something, or sings about something... it must be examined.

Anywho.  I picked up the book at the library and was a bit intimidated by the 509 pages, and the words 'complete and unabridged text'.
(The last time I read 500 pages was with the Twilight series!  And I wasn't sure that a boy and a deer could keep my attention as well as blood thirsty vampires.)

Turns out that the book was fascinating.  It was a very easy read and I was easily transported into the story of poor country folk in Florida.   All in all a good read.
But be aware... I read the last sentence, closed the book and said outloud, "wow. That was depressing."

Without giving spoilers, I must say that I was drawn in to several scenes.   One particular passage caught my attention and has stayed with me over the past few weeks.  She writes:

He listened gravely, nodding his head from time to time.  He was a small staunch rock against which their grief might beat.  When they finished and fell quiet, he talked of his own losses.  It was a reiminder that no man was spared.  What all had borne, each could bear.  He shared their sorrow, and they became a part of his, and the sharing spread their grief a little, by thinning it.

I love the thought of 'thinning' grief.  By knowing that others can relate, that they share your sorrow.   I have said it many times before that I have been very blessed in knowing my 'widow friends'.  Several us have been counting the years together and it has been interesting to see how each of us have moved through the muck.
I've shared several conversations this week that remind me how richly blessed my journey has been while being surrounded by these ladies.    Our sharing has spread my grief a little... by thinning it... and I am thankful.

un-trip update...

Just a quick, and very thankful, update on my
 "Un-trip" fundraiser from July:

I am very excited to report that a community of family, friends, acquaintances, and strangers contributed a total of $2,535 for the Ugandan widows!!

This amount well exceeded my goal of $2000 and I am thrilled!

The amount raised should cover the salary of a director for the Widow's ministry for ONE YEAR... as well as pay for her transportation!   This is awesome!

Thanks so much for supporting my endeavors and most importantly for supporting the Ugandan widows!

James 1:27
Religion that God our Father accepts as pure and faultless is this: to look after orphans and widows in their distress and to keep oneself from being polluted by the world.

Matthew 25:40
The King will reply, ‘Truly I tell you, whatever you did for one of the least of these brothers and sisters of mine, you did for me.'

on my own

I think I'm becoming a bit of a hermit these days.   On the way to a Junior High Cookout at church... where we were supposed to hang out and "meet other families".
 I thought to myself,
"I don't want to meet any more people.  I can hardly keep up with the friends that I have!"
 (yikes that sounds so selfish)
  Luckily, I already knew most of the people there so I wasn't forced to be friendly to strangers.  whew.

This morning, my kids left town for the second weekend in a row.  Last weekend they went to Comfort Zone Camp and this weekend they are water skiing and camping with a dude from church.

Last weekend I made a point to go and visit several out of town friends.
This weekend I failed to make any plans but I think it has been wonderful!!

 I wrote a zillion thank you notes, paid bills, took my recycling, went to the post office and the library (which was closed for the holiday. go figure.) and watched a Jesse Stone movie from the Redbox.
 (Someone PLEASE tell me that you like Jesse Stone flicks as much as me?!)   I love those movies!!
I registered packets of book incentive thingys for the elementary school teachers, I went to Target and then ended my night with pizza and the movie Blue Like Jazz. (which I really enjoyed).
Productive, yet at the same time- a very lazy day.

All of that to say that I actually managed an entire day without needing people.  And that is super weird for me.  I usually thrive on being around people.  But I think I could get used to having days to myself.  It has been SO quiet!

Also while enjoying my second kid-free weekend, I realized that people who share custody with an ex-spouse get these kinda days on a regular basis! 
How nice.  I can only imagine how that would be.
(yes, I know that my family kid-sits for me often... but that's not the same concept.)
I'm sure that my widow friends know what I mean.   I'm honestly not sure how we have adapted to the solo parent gig.  We're far from perfect... but we've gotten used to it, i suppose.
It makes me really appreciate days like today.

Mission Un-Trip

As you know, I am a widow.     With my grief and loss aside, I consider myself blessed beyond belief.  My boys and I are provided for and cared for.   We are blessed with water, food, shelter, clothing, education, family and friends.      Considering all of the world’s widows, I am a minority.

Many of you know that I traveled to Uganda in February of 2011 to visit with Ugandan widows and hear their stories.   I heard the struggles that the Ugandan women face to feed their families, raise their children and simply survive.   I know that their cries are echoed throughout the world.    My time in Uganda changed my perspective on many things.   I came away wanting to make a small difference, in some way, for these Ugandan widows.  I have sat by for the past sixteen months, in the comfort of my home, not sure of what an unskilled single mom could do to make a difference.  

When I returned from the trip to Uganda in 2011 I was ready to go back.   I wanted to go back to the beautiful country and spend time with the beautiful people.   I was anxious to get back on African soil.  But over the past few months, God has changed my heart, and mind, about what I should be doing.    I do not believe that God wants me to invest money in a plane ticket.   I do not believe that He wants me to plan the vacation of a lifetime for my kids… quite yet.   

I do believe that God has given me a pretty nifty idea.   I would love to ask you to join me in this venture. I would like to ask you to please join me on a Mission UN-trip!

Instead of sending out a support letter that raises money for plane tickets, room and board….. Consider this a support letter for each of us to DIRECTLY SUPPORT WIDOWS in UGANDA!!

My goal is to raise $2000 that will be given directly to the Widows United ministry of Mission Link International.     (www.missionlink.org)

Mission Link is currently in need of hiring a director of the widow’s ministry (ideally a Ugandan widow will fill this role!)   $2000 will come close to covering a director’s salary for one year!     

Mission Link is also currently working with many widows on a piggery project.   Soon there will be about 100 piglets.  At least 2/3 will be sold for meat so they can have funds to duplicate the project again.  Funds will be needed to help erect shelters for the pigs.    The goal is that this project will become a sustainable source of income for these widows.

Please join me on my Mission UN-trip by supporting these women!  I may not be traveling to see them…. But I am thrilled to raise money that will be put to use on the ground.    We can join together and make a difference for a few.  And in turn make a difference for a whole community.

If you catch my vision…. And want to NOT travel with me…. please make checks payable to “Mission Link International” with ‘Widows United’ in the memo line.   All gifts are tax deductible. 

Checks can be mailed to:  Mission Link International, P.O. Box 38, 1677 Avon Street Ext, Charlottesville, VA 22902.   (For my record keeping purposes, please include a little note that says, “For Jill’s Un-trip”.)

Thank you so much for your continued love and support.  The boys and I are thankful for each of you! 

from the ashes

I was out with some of my 'widow friends' tonight.  (I know we should come up with a happier name for ourselves...and make t-shirts... or get matching tattoos... or something...)
We attempt to get together every month, and usually the attendees vary by month.
Tonight, five of us managed to stroll around downtown and discover some new places. 

On the way home, I was trying to wrap my head around our little group.    I was feeling blessed in the fact that God has placed each of these women in my life.  
We are an eclectic group. 
I'm sure they would all agree that we never would have met each other if our husbands were still living.
God brought us together through terrible circumstances.  Yet my life if richer and blessed through these women.    Several of them have become staples in my life.

Dare I say that this is something good that has come from death?

I remember when Thayer died, I told myself that God would make something good come out of it all.  I had no idea how He was going to pull that off.  Because nothing can be good about losing a husband and father.

I know that as time passes and as good things, and blessings, unfold in our lives it will be hard to process.  
Having Thayer here and alive sounds like the best possible scenario.  But since that's not happening... I need to lean on the fact that God does have a plan for us.    I want to notice... and be encouraged... when I see God working in the little details of our lives.

Tonight I am thankful for the friendships that have sprung from the ashes...

What I said:

Last week, I had the opportunity to speak at a Mission Link fundraiser Tea.   For those of you who are interested..... this is what I said:


Hi. My name is Jill Botham. I first met Rick Sadler when he was pastoring the church that I was attending in Lynchburg, back in the 90s. My husband, Thayer, and I were married in 1999 and Rick officiated at our wedding ceremony. I knew, back in the day, that Rick had great plans for the future of his ministry… and I think that Mission Link was born right around that time. Shortly after our wedding, Rick and Candy moved to Charlottesville… and Thayer and I focused on starting our little family. We have two children, Daniel and Lucas (they are 11 and 9 years old now). Over the years, Thayer had several job changes and we even lived in the Charlottesville area for 3 years. All the while, we would receive the Mission Link newsletter and I would read it, but ultimately just go about my business. I was happy for Rick and Candy, and their work in Uganda but I didn’t fully grasp the magnitude of their work.


In 2007, we moved back to Lynchburg, where I was born and raised. It was nice to be back with my family and to have unlimited free babysitting! Thayer quickly settled into his new job, both boys were in elementary school, I started working part time at a preschool and things were going really well.

On August 16, 2008 Thayer went out for a ride on his motorcycle and I baked a cake so that we could celebrate his birthday with my family the next day. Thayer would be celebrating his 38th birthday that week. While I was finishing up the icing on the cake, the doorbell rang. My son, Daniel, said “mom, there are police officers at the door”. I turned the corner and saw those state trooper hats and I knew instantly that Thayer was dead. I can remember sitting on my porch as the troopers gave me the news and I kept saying, “what am I gonna do? What am I going to do? I have two little boys.” My little family had fallen apart in an instant.

We were immediately surrounded by family and friends who held us up and cared for us. They are still caring for us. It has been amazing to see God shower his love on us through others. We have a tremendous support system.

Right after Thayer died, one of my friends, and sister, covered my house with encouraging Bible verses written on little yellow post-it notes. My favorite verse was posted right on the wall next to the toilet. I can remember retreating to the bathroom when our house was full of people and staring at Jeremiah 29:11, that says, “for I know the plans I have for you declares the Lord, Plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future”. That verse quickly became MY verse. I claimed it as my own. I realized that even on the days when I have NO hope… God promises to GIVE me hope. I still cling to his promise to give me hope AND a future. And to give my boys a future.

About two years after Thayer’s death, I received a Mission Link newsletter that said something about a ‘widow’s ministry’. I’m not even sure what it was ‘advertising’ but I instantly got excited. I thought, ‘hey! I can relate to that! That is something I should be a part of!’ I emailed Rick to say that I would be interested in doing ‘something’ in the future. I didn’t have any idea what I would be able to do. I had no qualifications, other than being a widow. He basically got back in touch with me and said, “hey… why don’t you come to Uganda in February? “ Ha. That seemed like a crazy request…. But so crazy that I felt the need to do it. It was exciting to think about…. And it was WAY out of my comfort zone. I remember sitting on my couch and thinking, “I’m going to do this. This is so cool!”. God gave me a complete peace about just saying ‘yes’ to a huge trip. I hadn’t thought about childcare or any of the logistics… but I was going to go. Everything worked out for me to book my ticket and plan for the trip. My family and friends agreed to keep my kids while I was out of the country and everything fell into place. I even managed to find enough skirts to pack for the trip. I do NOT wear skirts…. So that, in itself, was a cultural challenge for me.

February rolled around and I boarded a plane with a group of strangers, to fly overseas, for the first time. In fact, this was my first mission trip…. And I was going to AFRICA! I guess if I’m gonna do it, I should do it big.

The trip was nothing short of life changing. Africa was beautiful. Uganda was beautiful, the people were beautiful,their language was beautiful. Everything was beautiful. I am so thankful that I had the opportunity to go.

I was actually inspired by the simplicity of life. There was no overwhelming technology and busy-ness like the stuff that drains our time here in America. The people in the villages had nothing by America’s standards… but I think they had a better grip on what is important in life. I was very encouraged by seeing how much of the world lives.

We had an opportunity to meet with a few groups of widows. First, I was impressed… it appeared that, these ladies gathered together on a regular basis. I, personally, thrive on community. After my husband died I started gathering with a group of young widows, like myself, so I could surround myself with other people who ‘get it’. So naturally I was excited to see these Ugandans who had gathered to share their experiences.

I had been instructed by Rick, and others, that I would be sharing some of my story with these ladies. I am totally not a public speaker so I fumbled through what I thought I should say and then the Ugandan widows were encouraged to stand and share their own story. Several had lost their husbands to AIDS and other illnesses. And others had lost their husbands in accidents. One young widow, caught my attention as she explained the details of her husband’s death because it was very similar to my own story.

I was pleasantly surprised to hear so many of these widows give thanks and praise to God. Through their hurt, they still acknowledged God’s provisions.

I had so much in common with these ladies. I realize that death is a tragedy, no matter where you live. That the pain and loss associated with death is no different if you live in a mansion in Charlottesville Virginia or in a hut in an African village.

But yet, Here I am, in America, where I am receiving social security and life insurance benefits. And my children attend public school for free. That’s my kind of providing. God has clearly provided for me. I haven’t lacked in physical or financial need since Thayer’s death. How is it that these African women can claim that God is providing for them? They have no help from the government and many of their own families have disowned them. It is heartbreaking to hear their stories of survival. And perhaps that is how God is providing… he is simply keeping them alive. And to hear these women praise God…it’s simply amazing. And it’s a wake-up call for myself. To praise God no matter what my circumstance.

The Ugandan widows are struggling to survive. Most of these ladies work in the field for their main source of income. They are struggling to make ends meet and they need to pay school tuition for their kids.

I am so thankful that Mission Link has a heart for the widows of Uganda. I am encouraged to hear of the skills that are going to be taught and the resources that can be shared with these women. I know that I have only participated in a tiny aspect of this ministry, but it has been life changing. I am excited to see how this ministry grows.

no pressure

wow.  I freaked out just a little when I read this in a recent email about a fundraiser that I will be a part of in November:

"We are honored to have Ms. Jan Karon as the Keynote Speaker, so you will not want to miss this special event. Also, Candy Sadler will share how you can partner with Mission Link to help rescue these beautiful women. Finally, Jill Botham will share her story that will capture your heart."

um.  no pressure, right?
Months ago, I thought, "sure, I can do that.  I'll write up a little something to share".  But months have flown by and the reality of a public speaking event is unnerving.    
I suppose it's crunch time to come up with something that will capture the heart ;)

It would probably be worth the price of the ticket just to see me fumble through my small part.

Please consider joining me!  

"The Next Chapter"

MLI'S Fund Raiser Tea
to benefit Uganda Widow Ministry

Omni Hotel,  Charlottesville, VA
Saturday, Nov 12th, noon-4pm

Guest Speaker: Jan Karon  (author of the Mitford series)
Holiday Boutique Shopping: Noon -1 o'clock
English Afternoon Full Tea: 1 -3oclock
Book signing and shopping: 3 -4 o'clock

Table Sponsors: $300 (10 seats)
Individual Seats: $35
Call Office 434-984-1995 to purchase your table or seat

http://www.missionlink.org/

This piece was filmed during my trip to Uganda with Mission Link International.
How Beautiful from Paladin Pictures on Vimeo.

just go

When I think about this Uganda trip, I have never had the mindset of "Lord, please use me to do great things"... because it's not about ME! I am simply willing to go, and let God do 'whatever'... be it for others or for me. I've been confident that I will probably learn more during this trip than I contribute to this trip. And that is exciting.
Sure, I want to help people. And for months, I've wondered what I could actually DO that would be helpful.
I've known all along that I will most likely be meeting other widows and hearing their stories.
But as I prayed over that simple fact last night I GOT it!
God said that I simply need to GO and HEAR their stories. I want to ask about their husbands... I want to meet their kids. I just want to go and be available.
It also occured to me that stepping into this situation will most likely make me more aware of my own grief journey. And with that, I have no idea what to expect or what I will learn.

On a side note, I've been reading When Helping Hurts. Great 'new to me' thoughts about those in poverty. It's been very helpful to read as I get ready to embark on my first 'mission trip'. I recommend this book. Good stuff. :-)
(thanks sherry for passing it my way!)

got man?

I've got a friend at church who always says "Jill, we need to find you a man!"
What a marvelous idea!
But seriously, I've decided that a man is not what I need right now.

Right after Thayer died, I kept saying "surely God doesn't want me to be alone for the next 60 years...."
I was hopeful that He would send someone our way when the time was right.
(That may still be the case! And I certainly wouldn't turn down the opportunity!)
But I don't dwell on that hope too much these days.

For the most part, I am content being single. That contentment usually ebbs and flows. Because, like I've said.. it's lonely.
But overall I think I'm becoming more stable with being on my own.

The suckiest part has always been the fact that the boys don't have a dad around. I mourn the fact that they may have to grow up without a man in the house. That has been the hardest thing to accept since Thayer's death. I don't see the fairness in it... and I question how THAT could be part of God's plan.


I've had some 'learning experiences' over the past two years. Both of which I tried too hard to make things work.
I know that things will work without effort when the time is right.
I look back on each 'relationship' and can recall how silly I was. Just downright weird.
But I am quick to admit that each 'relationship' was helpful in it's own way.
I know just enough what NOT to do if the opportunity to date arises again.

Several people have suggested that I try online dating. My answer is consistently "NO". I know, without a doubt, that it would suck time and energy away from my kids and myself. Can you imagine the time wasted looking through profiles and whatever else is involved? I think it would be emotionally draining and a drastic mix-up of priorities.

More recently, I have wondered if there is a window of opportunity for widows to remarry before it is a lost cause. so... if I'm not remarried in ____ years I should reserve a room at the convent?

One widow blogger just announced her engagement. (and I'm happy for her!)
Another widow in town was married after 5 years.

One dude at church was remarried 4 months after his wife died. Another guy I knew was remarried within the first year.
(I have a verbal soapbox about these guys... you'll have to ask me about it sometime.) (hint... the guys tick me off... alot)

I guess that there is no way of knowing when, or if, remarriage is in the picture. Sure... it would be nice to know if I'll be traveling the world with a hubby when my kids are grown... or if I should start researching cat adoption.

anywho. I'm not losing any sleep over it.
As of today, I am perfectly content with sleeping smack dab in the middle of my bed.

good grief

As I've mentioned before, there are a gazillion blogs devoted to widows. I seem to run across a new one every few days. It's way to many to keep up with but there are a few that I follow on a regular basis.
It's interesting to see that the 'popular' bloggers have tons of 'followers'. And that these bloggers have become quite the celebrities in the widow world. There are blogs, facebook groups,facebook discussion groups, live online chats, guest bloggers, retreats, camps, etc. etc.
It's nice to know that technology is being used to connect so many people who would otherwise feel alone in their grief. These sites have been a good thing for a ton of people.

I'm starting to wonder if there is money to be made in widow support groups. :)

More so, I am noticing that many of these 'celebrity widows' are several years into their grief. Some may be 4 or 5 years out. Some are remarried.
This makes me realize that widowhood isn't something to outgrow or get-over.
These women still have genuine, raw thoughts about the death of their husbands.
They are able to blog about death and grieving in such a way that I, and other widows, can totally relate. It is helpful to see that other widows are just as crazy, or more crazy than myself. Many of the blogs are funny and salted with dark humor... that only widows would appreciate.

Sometimes I wonder if I blog too much about poor little me, the pitiful lonely widow. But I have decided that it's okay to share my thoughts. Certainly not for pity... but just to simply get it out there. out of my head. And maybe, just maybe, a few others can relate.

You guys know that I'm doing amazingly well. And that day to day, things are fine.
But deep down, I'm hurting. Who wouldn't be?
This time of year is especially lonely for me.

and...
...I have no idea how I intended to finish this post...


The end.
:)

widow's dictionary

This link was shared on Facebook today.
I got a kick out of it.
It's totally true. Especially for new widows. I wouldn't say these definitions are accurate for where I am now.
Well. probably not. maybe not. most days, not.

I'm usually happy to tell people that I'm pretty content these days.
I had rattled the "content" speech off to one of my widow friends several months ago. And then I had to go back and apologize to her... for lying. Turns out that a few days after our conversation... I cried and cried about being lonely.

It's up and down. That's the norm. That's how I'm doing.
But overall... okay. :)


(weird. random post. again. ;p)

This girl gets it right, every time.
I LOVE this blog....
Widow Chick

not quite a thrill ride

Widowhood is a roller coaster. The ups and downs come whether you want them to or not. I'm learning to tighten the Harness and roll with it.

After Thayer's death, I kept thinking, "Surely God doesn't want me to be alone for the next 60 years! I really want to get remarried!"

Fast forward almost two years:

Just a few weeks ago, I confidently told a fellow widow that I was "content". We were discussing the hot topic of dating.
I had, over a period of time, come to accept the fact that I may never remarry.

Let's face it...I'm not out trying to pick up men... And I have absolutely NO desire to try the online stuff. I figure that if God wants someone to show up... He'll send someone my way.

My widow friend said something cute like, "you can't find what you're not looking for"... (or something like that)
She may have a good point... but I'll take my chances.

Sure enough... a few days after my "content" conversation... I had a weeping session thinking about how lonely I was.

I had to go back to my friend and tell her that I was a liar. Certainly not an intentional liar.
But just in a matter of days, the bottom dropped out and I was sent plummeting downhill. My contentness fell prey to loneliness.

And it's not the kind of loneliness that can be filled by extended family and friends.
And I'm not talking about intimate stuff either...(so get your mind out of the gutter!)

I'm talking about the loneliness that needs to stay up late and talk about mundane moments from her day...the loneliness that wants to be taken care of, the loneliness that needs a second opinion on house projects, the loneliness who needs help with household chores and meal ideas, and who aches for help disciplining the kids... because she never signed up to do this alone.
This is the kind of loneliness that misses having an escort from the basement to the bedroom after a scary movie (because you never know what might be hiding under the stairs!)
Missing a best friend. Missing the constant. Just missing.

So last night, this "content" gal started to earnestly pray for God to prepare a man for our family.
We'll see how it plays out.

overload

I must admit that I'm on blogger overload. I have recently come upon a gazillion blogs written by widows and widowers. It's too many to delve into right away but I hope to peruse through them at my leisure.
One particular blog contains links to atleast 100 other "widow blogs". And when you visit those blogs... they have links to more blogs. It's insane!

The one thing that is confirmed as I thumb through the list.... that there is no timeline of grief. I'm learning that people who experienced the death of a spouse in 2005 are still writing about their grief journey.
After reading these other blogs I am encouraged to blog down my grief road as I see fit. I think I had toned it down a bit because I'm pretty sure that people were getting sick of my blabbering.

Truth is...I'm pretty content with my life right now, but there is still a HUGE hole where Thayer used to be. So if you see more blogs about him... it's because I'm giving myself permission to "go there" more often.

And please keep a check on my favorite blog links over in the right column. I'll be updating it with my favorites as they come along.