The boys and I went to visit Thayer's family in SC this past weekend. On Friday night we stopped to visit some old friends in NC. It was a fun, fast, weekend of seeing folks that we haven't seen in quite a while.
Being around lots of men this weekend was a continual reminder of Thayer's absence.
Our friend in NC is a great Dad to his girls and I really miss the presence of a father in our home.
And again, as I was surrounded by Thayer's cousins... it was a reminder that I was lacking my guy.
I certainly wasn't depressed while I was visiting.... just little thoughts would pop in my head as I admired the relationships represented in their families.
I also have to give credit to my neighbors for constantly reminding me of Thayer...
Every Monday is trash day. After the trash pick-up, our lovely neighbors across the street usually leave their empty trash can laying in their yard for most of the week. They've been known to finally take it from the curb on Sunday... just in time to fill it and put it back by the road. The presence of that trash can... all week...by the road... used to frustrate Thayer. He didn't understand how anyone could drive by the trash can for DAYS and be too lazy to carry it to the house.
So... one week... as a friendly reminder.... Thayer pulled the trash can up their driveway and placed it directly behind their car. I would have liked to have seen the outcome of that placement. I'm still curious about if they backed over it, or saw it just in time.
And I don't think that they got the message.
Week after week, I wait to see how long they let the can lay by the road. It's out there now.... and I smile and think of Thayer every time I see it.
random thoughts :-)
Tuesday, February 24, 2009
Monday, February 16, 2009
a story
Alrighty. I have been asked by a dear friend to share a favorite Valentine's story of Thayer.
At first request, I didn't think I had a story.
Thayer and I didn't really do much on Valentine's day. If we were to celebrate, we would usually pick a day earlier or later... just to avoid the commercialism and rush of it all.
But after thinking, for about a second, I remembered our first Valentine's day. We had started dating in November of 1997. So by February... he had fallen head over heels in love with me (or perhaps the other way around).... but anyway, in February he was still laying on his charm rather thick, in hopes to reel me in.
I was still living with my parents at the time and I was working at a local daycare/preschool.
I headed out of the house, on my way to work, and to my surprise there were 4 roses and a classy teddy bear on the front porch. As I approached my car in the driveway, there were 4 more roses! I drove to work thinking how amazing this guy was. How thoughtful.
When I arrived at work, there were 4 more roses!! That was the icing on the cake. This wonderful guy had to have really planned this out... he was up early delivering roses across town. I was super impressed that he had gone the extra mile to make my day special :)
Nice story, eh?
But that story also reminds me of a sour one:
As a young newlywed, I probably had some expectations that were unrealistic.
It was either Valentine's day or our 1 year anniversary (I don't remember which)... I was secretly hoping, all day, that Thayer would send flowers. When we both arrived home from work in the evening and I noticed that he was empty handed, I think I must have thrown a little fit. Thayer went out that night and came back with flowers for me. Apparently I got angry about the flowers because I didn't want him to feel "obligated" to give flowers.
So since I was an idiot about it all... Thayer decided to never give me flowers again.
Pitiful... but I learned a valuable lesson.
And as our family grew, and as I matured, it was agreed that flowers were a waste of money.
funny thing is... after Thayer died, I bought myself fresh flowers from Walmart every week... for about 2 months. :0)
At first request, I didn't think I had a story.
Thayer and I didn't really do much on Valentine's day. If we were to celebrate, we would usually pick a day earlier or later... just to avoid the commercialism and rush of it all.
But after thinking, for about a second, I remembered our first Valentine's day. We had started dating in November of 1997. So by February... he had fallen head over heels in love with me (or perhaps the other way around).... but anyway, in February he was still laying on his charm rather thick, in hopes to reel me in.
I was still living with my parents at the time and I was working at a local daycare/preschool.
I headed out of the house, on my way to work, and to my surprise there were 4 roses and a classy teddy bear on the front porch. As I approached my car in the driveway, there were 4 more roses! I drove to work thinking how amazing this guy was. How thoughtful.
When I arrived at work, there were 4 more roses!! That was the icing on the cake. This wonderful guy had to have really planned this out... he was up early delivering roses across town. I was super impressed that he had gone the extra mile to make my day special :)
Nice story, eh?
But that story also reminds me of a sour one:
As a young newlywed, I probably had some expectations that were unrealistic.
It was either Valentine's day or our 1 year anniversary (I don't remember which)... I was secretly hoping, all day, that Thayer would send flowers. When we both arrived home from work in the evening and I noticed that he was empty handed, I think I must have thrown a little fit. Thayer went out that night and came back with flowers for me. Apparently I got angry about the flowers because I didn't want him to feel "obligated" to give flowers.
So since I was an idiot about it all... Thayer decided to never give me flowers again.
Pitiful... but I learned a valuable lesson.
And as our family grew, and as I matured, it was agreed that flowers were a waste of money.
funny thing is... after Thayer died, I bought myself fresh flowers from Walmart every week... for about 2 months. :0)
Sunday, February 15, 2009
6 months
Tomorrow marks 6 calendar months since Thayer's death. My Dad pointed out the fact that yesterday marked 26 weeks. That's exactly half a year.
wow. Half of a year without Thayer. It seems like he was just here. But at the same time... it seems like so long!
The phrase that continues to run through my head, especially at night..."this is really happening".
Of course it is happening, I tell myself. I am fully aware that Thayer is no longer with us. But I still picture him around the house and will even say at times, "Thayer, where are you!?"
People will comment on how well I am doing.
Some have said that they don't know how they'd make it if their spouse died... and that I'm such a strong person.
I find that kind of amusing because most people don't know what a mess I am.
(unless you read my blog on a regular basis... haha)
wow. Half of a year without Thayer. It seems like he was just here. But at the same time... it seems like so long!
The phrase that continues to run through my head, especially at night..."this is really happening".
Of course it is happening, I tell myself. I am fully aware that Thayer is no longer with us. But I still picture him around the house and will even say at times, "Thayer, where are you!?"
People will comment on how well I am doing.
Some have said that they don't know how they'd make it if their spouse died... and that I'm such a strong person.
I find that kind of amusing because most people don't know what a mess I am.
(unless you read my blog on a regular basis... haha)
But seriously...I have learned that there's no choice about "making it". It's just a reality that I've got to live through. I honestly don't have time to think about sitting around in self pity. These kids are pretty time consuming..... and keeping up with this blog... geez. ;)
I do realize that if kids weren't involved, it would be easy to get caught up in the 'woe is me' mindset.
And honestly, some nights I do allow myself to wallow a little bit. But then the morning comes and life starts up again at full speed.
And honestly, some nights I do allow myself to wallow a little bit. But then the morning comes and life starts up again at full speed.
The "new normal" requires a lot of me. Most of the time I am floundering, but I've also learned that floundering is okay.... as long as I'm not drowning.
I certainly can't write a 6 month post without praising God for keeping me afloat! :-)
I have learned more about God in the last 6 months than I have in my entire life. The tragedy of Thayer's death has taught me SO much. I have a unique perspective of life... that only widows/widowers can understand. God has taken something horrible and used it to mold me in so many ways. Thayer's death is a really crappy way to learn a lesson but I know that God is using this situation for good. My prayer is that I can become the woman that God wants me to be.
One day at a time.
And yes, it's fine and dandy to write all of this... but at the end of the day, I still want my husband back.
happy belated Valentine's day!
Isn't L creative?! I knew that those fridge magnets would come in handy.Thursday, February 12, 2009
completely random thoughts on prayer
Last night I had to laugh at myself while I was praying.
There is a particular person that I pray for every day. I ask God to bless this person, and encourage this person, etc. etc. But I realized that at the end of my prayer for this person, each time, I think... "I can't believe he is such a punk."
I started to wonder... does God appreciate a prayer like that? And do I nullify the prayer when I start name calling?
I genuinely pray for this person... but the "punk" word always pops up.
hmmm.
Does this fall under the category of praying for your enemies? I dunno. This person isn't my enemy... he's just a punk. :)
I suppose I need to pray for a better attitude. or maybe just a better vocabulary.
I am SO thankful that God hears our prayers... no matter how imperfect we are.
And my prayer life shows just how flawed I am!
For now, I am hopeful that God sees the humor in my crazy thought process. And I'd like to think that I make Him smile.
I'm looking forward to the day when I finally get to see that Smile, face to face. :0)
There is a particular person that I pray for every day. I ask God to bless this person, and encourage this person, etc. etc. But I realized that at the end of my prayer for this person, each time, I think... "I can't believe he is such a punk."
I started to wonder... does God appreciate a prayer like that? And do I nullify the prayer when I start name calling?
I genuinely pray for this person... but the "punk" word always pops up.
hmmm.
Does this fall under the category of praying for your enemies? I dunno. This person isn't my enemy... he's just a punk. :)
I suppose I need to pray for a better attitude. or maybe just a better vocabulary.
I am SO thankful that God hears our prayers... no matter how imperfect we are.
And my prayer life shows just how flawed I am!
For now, I am hopeful that God sees the humor in my crazy thought process. And I'd like to think that I make Him smile.
I'm looking forward to the day when I finally get to see that Smile, face to face. :0)
Tuesday, February 10, 2009
tooth fairy
D had quite a morning.... he had 4 teeth pulled in order to make room for his permanent ones.
I unfortunately was asked to witness some of the procedure. It was way more disgusting than I had anticipated.
OW! My poor boy!!!
It's safe to say that the tooth fairy will be leaving big bucks tonight!!
I unfortunately was asked to witness some of the procedure. It was way more disgusting than I had anticipated.
OW! My poor boy!!!
It's safe to say that the tooth fairy will be leaving big bucks tonight!!
Monday, February 09, 2009
6 moons
Thayer died on the evening of a full moon. I think I have posted earlier about how bright the moon was on that first sleepless night after we heard of Thayer's accident.
Tonight is the 6th full moon since his death. I can't help but to replay the events of August 16th in my mind. The full moon will be a constant reminder of Thayer's death.... as well as a reminder that the world keeps on turning... and we keep on surviving, one day at a time.
We've made it almost 6 months. Hard to believe. And I still have to remind myself that he's really not coming home.
With the return of a few spring-like days, there has also been a huge return of motorcycles on the roadway. I find myself watching each one that passes. Turning my head to see the make and model.
(just like Thayer always did...
I would usually tell him to put his tongue back in his mouth. haha.
He LOVED motorcycles.)
In a weird way, I've been checking out the bikes, the riding gear, the helmets.... just in hopes to catch a glimpse of someone similar to Thayer... so I could see him riding again. I miss seeing him ride. He got so much enjoyment from riding. I know that he would be LOVING this weather.
The other day when the boys and I were out shopping, I mentioned that if Daddy were here, he'd be riding, for sure. :-)
I'm not sure if it's the motorcycles, or the weather change (as my friend, J, suggested)... but the last two days have been hard on me. I haven't showed it outwardly too much but I've been really weepy during my moments at home.
And Kids Haven, tonight, didn't seem to help. We were asked to write a eulogy for our loved one...the way that we would have liked it. For instance... if they had lived a long life, what would be said about it.
This activity didn't go over well with the group.
I certainly couldn't write something expressing how it should or could have been.
I have spent the last six months accepting how it IS.
Tonight is the 6th full moon since his death. I can't help but to replay the events of August 16th in my mind. The full moon will be a constant reminder of Thayer's death.... as well as a reminder that the world keeps on turning... and we keep on surviving, one day at a time.
We've made it almost 6 months. Hard to believe. And I still have to remind myself that he's really not coming home.
With the return of a few spring-like days, there has also been a huge return of motorcycles on the roadway. I find myself watching each one that passes. Turning my head to see the make and model.
(just like Thayer always did...
I would usually tell him to put his tongue back in his mouth. haha.
He LOVED motorcycles.)
In a weird way, I've been checking out the bikes, the riding gear, the helmets.... just in hopes to catch a glimpse of someone similar to Thayer... so I could see him riding again. I miss seeing him ride. He got so much enjoyment from riding. I know that he would be LOVING this weather.
The other day when the boys and I were out shopping, I mentioned that if Daddy were here, he'd be riding, for sure. :-)
I'm not sure if it's the motorcycles, or the weather change (as my friend, J, suggested)... but the last two days have been hard on me. I haven't showed it outwardly too much but I've been really weepy during my moments at home.
And Kids Haven, tonight, didn't seem to help. We were asked to write a eulogy for our loved one...the way that we would have liked it. For instance... if they had lived a long life, what would be said about it.
This activity didn't go over well with the group.
I certainly couldn't write something expressing how it should or could have been.
I have spent the last six months accepting how it IS.
Wednesday, February 04, 2009
the gym
So. I've been going to the gym... usually in the early afternoon. It's been nice because there aren't too many people there. I go the the "ladies" area because I feel like I have more freedom to jog on the treadmill without frightening people.
The best days are when I'm in there alone...
Yesterday, another lady... about my mom's age... comes into the room. I kindly said that she could watch whatever she wanted on the tv. Since I had just watched 30 minutes of "10 years younger" on TLC, I figured that I could share the tv with a nice old lady.
I thought that we'd probably end up watching a news channel. (which would have been fine)
I smiled to myself as she watched CNN for a brief moment.
But then my brain screamed in horror as she settled on the Home Shopping Network.
I didn't have a clue that people actually watched that channel!!!!
For the next 30 minutes, I listened to some man (wearing skinny jeans!!) talk about how just a few drops of his product gives so much shine and body to your hair. We also got to see before and after of the beautiful models... who smiled and smiled and smiled. gag.
I have finally decided to power up D's IPOD and turn my brain off to the mindnumbing stupidity that looms on a gym tv set. I have sat through a few soap operas (which was painful) but I will draw the line at the HSN.
Today, I excitedly bought a New Testament MP3 Audio Bible that I will take with me to the gym tomorrow. That is... if I manage to get it onto the IPOD tonight :-)
(It takes me 5 times longer than most americans to figure out this technical stuff. Another reason why I really miss Thayer!!)
I'll be excited to fill my brain with the good stuff.... instead of turning my cells to mush :-)
The best days are when I'm in there alone...
Yesterday, another lady... about my mom's age... comes into the room. I kindly said that she could watch whatever she wanted on the tv. Since I had just watched 30 minutes of "10 years younger" on TLC, I figured that I could share the tv with a nice old lady.
I thought that we'd probably end up watching a news channel. (which would have been fine)
I smiled to myself as she watched CNN for a brief moment.
But then my brain screamed in horror as she settled on the Home Shopping Network.
I didn't have a clue that people actually watched that channel!!!!
For the next 30 minutes, I listened to some man (wearing skinny jeans!!) talk about how just a few drops of his product gives so much shine and body to your hair. We also got to see before and after of the beautiful models... who smiled and smiled and smiled. gag.
I have finally decided to power up D's IPOD and turn my brain off to the mindnumbing stupidity that looms on a gym tv set. I have sat through a few soap operas (which was painful) but I will draw the line at the HSN.
Today, I excitedly bought a New Testament MP3 Audio Bible that I will take with me to the gym tomorrow. That is... if I manage to get it onto the IPOD tonight :-)
(It takes me 5 times longer than most americans to figure out this technical stuff. Another reason why I really miss Thayer!!)
I'll be excited to fill my brain with the good stuff.... instead of turning my cells to mush :-)
Tuesday, February 03, 2009
one day at a time
This single mom gig is starting to sink in. I'm really realizing that the work is never done.
(That is true of every parent, I know.)
But something has to be said of having that partner around who can make personal/business calls and send faxes from work. Someone who can call the cable company or settle up business with creditors and insurance people.
Someone who can research things online during their lunch break and figure out the details.
The problem is... I don't have that partner and there are just not enough hours in the day to get things done.
And I realize that I don't even work full time!!! I think of all of the single moms who work full time!! My heart aches for them!
I have blown gaskets in my head trying to make a list of things that need to get accomplished. There really isn't a huge rush on most of my list... but it hovers over me. I'm still dealing with "death stuff" (as I affectionately call it). Paperwork, meetings and errands that are leftover things "to do" resulting from Thayer's death.
My reminder list includes about 16 things. I have successfully marked off 4 items but then I just added 2 more.
I'm confident that once I get all of this death stuff behind me that things may slow down a bit. But that's probably a joke. There is always something going on. And I'm realizing that it drains alot of brainpower when there is only one brain in the house. I miss having Thayer here to talk with. I've managed to develop a great talking relationship with God.... but it's usually a one way street (atleast verbally... but He is obviously communcating in other ways)
Since I'm only one person here...my plan is to try to accomplish one thing each day after work.
Today I dropped the list and I made the gym a priority. After taking care of myself, I managed to make three phone calls, set up two appointments... and I also cleaned my bathrooms!!!
yay for me!
You may be wondering... why is she wasting time on her blog if she's got so much to do?!
well... some of you have pestered me about not blogging in a while!!!! AND... most of my stuff needs to be done during normal business hours.
so I'm left alone with my thoughts, and my list, at night. fun.
(That is true of every parent, I know.)
But something has to be said of having that partner around who can make personal/business calls and send faxes from work. Someone who can call the cable company or settle up business with creditors and insurance people.
Someone who can research things online during their lunch break and figure out the details.
The problem is... I don't have that partner and there are just not enough hours in the day to get things done.
And I realize that I don't even work full time!!! I think of all of the single moms who work full time!! My heart aches for them!
I have blown gaskets in my head trying to make a list of things that need to get accomplished. There really isn't a huge rush on most of my list... but it hovers over me. I'm still dealing with "death stuff" (as I affectionately call it). Paperwork, meetings and errands that are leftover things "to do" resulting from Thayer's death.
My reminder list includes about 16 things. I have successfully marked off 4 items but then I just added 2 more.
I'm confident that once I get all of this death stuff behind me that things may slow down a bit. But that's probably a joke. There is always something going on. And I'm realizing that it drains alot of brainpower when there is only one brain in the house. I miss having Thayer here to talk with. I've managed to develop a great talking relationship with God.... but it's usually a one way street (atleast verbally... but He is obviously communcating in other ways)
Since I'm only one person here...my plan is to try to accomplish one thing each day after work.
Today I dropped the list and I made the gym a priority. After taking care of myself, I managed to make three phone calls, set up two appointments... and I also cleaned my bathrooms!!!
yay for me!
You may be wondering... why is she wasting time on her blog if she's got so much to do?!
well... some of you have pestered me about not blogging in a while!!!! AND... most of my stuff needs to be done during normal business hours.
so I'm left alone with my thoughts, and my list, at night. fun.
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