thinning

I read.  Occassionally.  So to say that I've been absorbing a book for the last month is a big deal.  I was instructed to read The Yearling written by Marjorie Kinnan Rawlings.   Well... not personally instructed... but for the past few years, Andrew Peterson has been pushing this book....and even refers to it on his new album.   And you guys know that if Andrew Peterson suggests something, or sings about something... it must be examined.

Anywho.  I picked up the book at the library and was a bit intimidated by the 509 pages, and the words 'complete and unabridged text'.
(The last time I read 500 pages was with the Twilight series!  And I wasn't sure that a boy and a deer could keep my attention as well as blood thirsty vampires.)

Turns out that the book was fascinating.  It was a very easy read and I was easily transported into the story of poor country folk in Florida.   All in all a good read.
But be aware... I read the last sentence, closed the book and said outloud, "wow. That was depressing."

Without giving spoilers, I must say that I was drawn in to several scenes.   One particular passage caught my attention and has stayed with me over the past few weeks.  She writes:

He listened gravely, nodding his head from time to time.  He was a small staunch rock against which their grief might beat.  When they finished and fell quiet, he talked of his own losses.  It was a reiminder that no man was spared.  What all had borne, each could bear.  He shared their sorrow, and they became a part of his, and the sharing spread their grief a little, by thinning it.

I love the thought of 'thinning' grief.  By knowing that others can relate, that they share your sorrow.   I have said it many times before that I have been very blessed in knowing my 'widow friends'.  Several us have been counting the years together and it has been interesting to see how each of us have moved through the muck.
I've shared several conversations this week that remind me how richly blessed my journey has been while being surrounded by these ladies.    Our sharing has spread my grief a little... by thinning it... and I am thankful.

and so it continues

I find it hard to believe that even after four years...

I sat in church today and wondered:

"I wonder if this is just a really long dream.  What if I wake up tomorrow and Thayer is here?  Would I remember this being a dream?  
Would time have passed since I last saw Thayer, and would that make me appreciate him more?  Or would I wake up with no memory of his absence? 
It's possible that God could do that.  You know... make a  new day tomorrow... where Thayer is here.  But I suppose that God would have to erase my memory of the last four years.  
God would have to replace my memory with things that happened if Thayer had been here for the last four years. 
Or... He would have me wake up four years ago, as if time hasn't passed.  Daniel and Lucas would be little again.   No one else would know that I had this dream.  Maybe I wouldn't even remember it.  We'd be just a normal family again.  I wonder how we would turn out?"

I used to daydream about God changing his mind about it all and calling a Mulligan.  I knew He could if He wanted to.
But... four years later... I'm pretty sure that this situation is permanent.

Interestingly enough.  Tonight while Lucas was straightening his room I saw that he was gazing at a picture of himself and Thayer.   I said "Are you looking at your handsome daddy?"  And he said, "yes... I wish that he were still here."

I guess the wishing never gets old.

un-trip update...

Just a quick, and very thankful, update on my
 "Un-trip" fundraiser from July:

I am very excited to report that a community of family, friends, acquaintances, and strangers contributed a total of $2,535 for the Ugandan widows!!

This amount well exceeded my goal of $2000 and I am thrilled!

The amount raised should cover the salary of a director for the Widow's ministry for ONE YEAR... as well as pay for her transportation!   This is awesome!

Thanks so much for supporting my endeavors and most importantly for supporting the Ugandan widows!

James 1:27
Religion that God our Father accepts as pure and faultless is this: to look after orphans and widows in their distress and to keep oneself from being polluted by the world.

Matthew 25:40
The King will reply, ‘Truly I tell you, whatever you did for one of the least of these brothers and sisters of mine, you did for me.'

on my own

I think I'm becoming a bit of a hermit these days.   On the way to a Junior High Cookout at church... where we were supposed to hang out and "meet other families".
 I thought to myself,
"I don't want to meet any more people.  I can hardly keep up with the friends that I have!"
 (yikes that sounds so selfish)
  Luckily, I already knew most of the people there so I wasn't forced to be friendly to strangers.  whew.

This morning, my kids left town for the second weekend in a row.  Last weekend they went to Comfort Zone Camp and this weekend they are water skiing and camping with a dude from church.

Last weekend I made a point to go and visit several out of town friends.
This weekend I failed to make any plans but I think it has been wonderful!!

 I wrote a zillion thank you notes, paid bills, took my recycling, went to the post office and the library (which was closed for the holiday. go figure.) and watched a Jesse Stone movie from the Redbox.
 (Someone PLEASE tell me that you like Jesse Stone flicks as much as me?!)   I love those movies!!
I registered packets of book incentive thingys for the elementary school teachers, I went to Target and then ended my night with pizza and the movie Blue Like Jazz. (which I really enjoyed).
Productive, yet at the same time- a very lazy day.

All of that to say that I actually managed an entire day without needing people.  And that is super weird for me.  I usually thrive on being around people.  But I think I could get used to having days to myself.  It has been SO quiet!

Also while enjoying my second kid-free weekend, I realized that people who share custody with an ex-spouse get these kinda days on a regular basis! 
How nice.  I can only imagine how that would be.
(yes, I know that my family kid-sits for me often... but that's not the same concept.)
I'm sure that my widow friends know what I mean.   I'm honestly not sure how we have adapted to the solo parent gig.  We're far from perfect... but we've gotten used to it, i suppose.
It makes me really appreciate days like today.