imperfect

The boys and I went shopping for school supplies tonight.
Upon turning in to the Walmart parking lot, I fussed about having to shop on a Saturday night with a zillion other people.   I was going to pay the price for my procrastination.   Just like all the other dummies who waited to shop.
"I didn't used to be like this guys!  I used to have it all together", I said.

And then Daniel said, "but then you turned cool."

I laughed at his statement.  Apparently 'procrastinating, fly-by-the-seat-of-your-pants' moms are "cool".
I must be the coolest of the cool.

I'm not a total slacker.    But I'm certainly not what I used to be.

Tomorrow marks seven years since Thayer's death.    And I think I am bold enough to say that I'm not the same person I was seven years ago.  (who is?)

I always like to think that I've mellowed out a bit.  That I am more flexible than I used to be.  That I value experiences over 'stuff'.    And I realize that things that used to stress me out were asinine.
I suppose all of those factors have evolved me into "cool".

This is one of those nights that I feel perfect in my imperfections.

a note to my single mom friends

Christmas morning.  12:50am

My precious friends,

I get it.  And I want you to know that you are not alone today.

I'm sure that I'm not the only one that stayed up way too late, waiting for the kids to fall asleep... and therefore became a tired weepy mess.

I'm sure that I'm not the only one that couldn't stand another minute of "It's a Wonderful Life"... and decided to watch
 "P.S. I Love You" instead.  (Well... possibly I am.)

But I'm totally sure that I'm not the only one who cried while stuffing stockings.

I thought of you tonight.  Each of you.    

Some of you are spending your first Christmas without your husbands.... and my heart breaks into a million pieces for you.

Some of you can count the years without. (this is my sixth).  

And some of you have never had a husband to share the moments.

It sucks.

I'm not sure if it ever gets easier.   Each Christmas is different.   

I haven't always shed tears... but I've felt alone.

I know that our house will fill with family and laughter in the morning.   And everything will seem much better to me after a good night's sleep.   

I know that some of you may be alone for the day.   Please know that I will be thinking of you, and praying for you.

 P.S. I Love You,  had a great reminder for folks like us:

Alone or not, you gotta walk ahead.

Thing to remember is:

If we're all alone...

then we're all together in that too.

Thank you, ladies, for being together with me.

It's quite a journey.

Blessings to you and the kids today!

Merry Christmas!

debriefing

Today I was interviewed by a guy who is writing a book about how to raise sons to be men in the absence of a father.    It appears he is interviewing a zillion single moms to find out what they consider to be challenges or struggles.

I learned some stuff about myself in the process.

I learned that I suck pretty badly on phone interviews and I find it hard to express my thoughts verbally.

I learned that I just want my kids to be 'okay' when they grow up.  I'd like them to be good men, good fathers.   I long for them to learn compassion and consideration for others.

I learned that I really don't have fears concerning my boys and I certainly don't lay awake at night worrying about their futures.  
And while considering my lack of worry.... I realized that after Thayer died, worrying just didn't make sense.  Why worry about things that our totally out of your hands?

I also realized that I don't hold much guilt about all of my failures as a mom.   Of course I make mistakes... but I am not 100% responsible for who my kids are.  They are their own people.  And I am only human.
I have always prayed that God would fill the voids and raise them where I lack.

I learned that despite the constant battle for respect, the constant struggle of disciplining these monsters, and the off-and-on fury from Lucas, I am pretty darn content with where we are today.

I was challenged to answer what I wanted and what would perfect look like.   
I thought having a step-dad for the boys and a farm would fit the bill.    Both of those ideas seem so abstract.  And quite humorous, right?   :)
The perfect part would simply include being respected by the boys in a peaceful relationship.  
What mom doesn't want that?

In the course of the questioning, I realized that God has provided for us financially, and that is a huge burden lifted.   He has also provided social outlets for myself and the boys.  I am so thankful for my friends!
Being a solo parent is no walk in the park, but I'm aware that my situation could be much more difficult.  I'm totally counting my blessings!

head underwater

My motivation is draining.   Not that I had much to begin with... but I've had several rough moments with Lucas lately and I'm simply tempted to pack my bags and leave.    I'm at a loss at how to restore order to a home that has been run inconsistently for such a long time.  And I am becoming exhausted with the characteristics that my children have developed.   Something needs to change and I need to set strict boundaries for all of us.   slowly but surely.

I've recently made it through both of the boys' birthdays.   We stayed busy with friends and parties but I still found myself feeling depressed over the past few weeks.  Birthdays are always hard for me... because Thayer should be here for remembering their births.  It's hard to think about all of the years he has not been present to celebrate with his boys.  and all the years I've been doing this alone.

I painted the boys' rooms and gave them loft beds for their birthdays. But during the process, my bedroom became the drop zone for all of the extra crap.  And as in the past... my environment is starting to drown me.   I'm waiting for the motivation to swim my way out.

on my own

I think I'm becoming a bit of a hermit these days.   On the way to a Junior High Cookout at church... where we were supposed to hang out and "meet other families".
 I thought to myself,
"I don't want to meet any more people.  I can hardly keep up with the friends that I have!"
 (yikes that sounds so selfish)
  Luckily, I already knew most of the people there so I wasn't forced to be friendly to strangers.  whew.

This morning, my kids left town for the second weekend in a row.  Last weekend they went to Comfort Zone Camp and this weekend they are water skiing and camping with a dude from church.

Last weekend I made a point to go and visit several out of town friends.
This weekend I failed to make any plans but I think it has been wonderful!!

 I wrote a zillion thank you notes, paid bills, took my recycling, went to the post office and the library (which was closed for the holiday. go figure.) and watched a Jesse Stone movie from the Redbox.
 (Someone PLEASE tell me that you like Jesse Stone flicks as much as me?!)   I love those movies!!
I registered packets of book incentive thingys for the elementary school teachers, I went to Target and then ended my night with pizza and the movie Blue Like Jazz. (which I really enjoyed).
Productive, yet at the same time- a very lazy day.

All of that to say that I actually managed an entire day without needing people.  And that is super weird for me.  I usually thrive on being around people.  But I think I could get used to having days to myself.  It has been SO quiet!

Also while enjoying my second kid-free weekend, I realized that people who share custody with an ex-spouse get these kinda days on a regular basis! 
How nice.  I can only imagine how that would be.
(yes, I know that my family kid-sits for me often... but that's not the same concept.)
I'm sure that my widow friends know what I mean.   I'm honestly not sure how we have adapted to the solo parent gig.  We're far from perfect... but we've gotten used to it, i suppose.
It makes me really appreciate days like today.

sinking

There are so many times when I read facebook comments from well meaning people and I get riled up.  Today I noticed that one of my friends requested prayers for her family.    I don't know the situation and that's okay.  She just needed prayer. 
But...as I read through the comments from her other friends.... I stopped short when I read a comment that said, "God will NOT put more on us than we can bear!!"   
I know that this statement is often blurted out by well meaning people who want to be encouraging.   I resisted the urge to stir the pot on facebook, and decided to stir it here.  :-)

I can tell you here and now that the above statement is false!!   I know that God WILL give us more than we can bear.    
Nowhere in the Bible does it say, "Oh, hang in there, because God won't let things get too bad".
There will be terrible trials in life.  In those darkest moments, when you have broken beyond repair, is when one learns to rely totally on God.   
A simple Internet search brought me directly to THIS BLOG, (which I've seen before via another friend... so it must be accurate) ;)  (be sure to read it!)

  2 Corinthians 1:8,9
"We do not want you to be uninformed, brothers, about the hardships we suffered in the province of Asia. We were under great pressure, far beyond our ability to endure, so that we despaired even of life.
Indeed, in our hearts we felt the sentence of death. But this happened that we might not rely on ourselves but on God, who raises the dead."

Please note that Paul, straight out of the Bible, says that he was under pressure, far beyond his ability. 

And there you have it.  God will allow things that are totally more than we can handle..... but the good part is ....that Paul goes on to say  these things happened "that we might not rely on ourselves but on God"

It is in the brokenness that God works miracles and mends hearts.    Sure, it's crappy that we have to learn our lessons and grow out of our brokenness and despair.   But somehow God is going to use it for good.  
In my case, with Thayer's death, I continue to question the good that can possibly come out of having fatherless children.   And many days, I grieve for my boys and myself.  Other days, I am overwhelmed by the blessings that surround us.  Every day is a journey that is molding us in to the people that God created us to be.  Our life story is a big one.

When the trials hit, it's not that someone is strong enough to handle it.... I think the moral of this story is.... when trials hit, remember to reach out for God.
God is the only one strong enough to pull you out of the quicksand.

camping

We went camping this past weekend.    It was the first 'single mom' attempt at such an event.    I have been camping before, several times, but always with a larger group... or with Thayer.   I've never had to be in charge of myself and my kids, on my own.  
(And...I  never had to do any of the work.  I was famous for planting my chair... and sitting in it.)

Thankfully my friend, Lyn, is the mama of all camping and she managed to pack her knowledge and expertise.  She still did most of the fire/cooking work, as she was up with the sun-  cookin' up a nice breakfast.     And I'm thankful that she knew the basic survival skills of being in a public campground.
(I took lots of mental notes for future trips!)

After my initial temper tantrum while setting up the tent, I tend to think that I really enjoyed myself.   The most important thing is that the boys had a BLAST!!     The entire way home, Lucas kept saying, "this is something we should do more often" and "when can we go again?"
Seeing as we don't have an official vacation this year, I'm hoping we can spend some time camping. 
I seem very excited about it now.... but ask me again when it gets really hot and muggy.   Not sure how well I'll handle those really hot days in the wilderness... but I'm willing to sacrifice some of my vanity for creating memories with my boys.

oops

Since their birth, I have wanted to instill a sense of colorblindness in my children.   I have  never referred to people as 'black' or 'white' when speaking with my kids.   Obviously we have discussed how God made everyone's skin different, gave us different color eyes, hair, etc.      I have chosen to describe people by their clothes, their hair, their behavior.    Throughout the years, my kids have referred to 'the girl with brown skin' or the 'boy with blonde hair'.  But we, as a family, have never used the term 'black'.... simply because nobody we know has 'black' skin. 

I'm smart enough to know that my kids have been exposed to all types of names for all types of people.   But I was pretty proud of the direction we were heading....

until the other day....

Lucas came home and was telling me about his day.  He said, "Distance says that he has never seen me before... but he's been going to our school all year."  
I had to have him repeat Distance's name three times to make sure I understood him correctly.   
"Are you saying Distance.... like the distance from one place to another?"
"yes, mom. Why?"

And before I could get my foot to my mouth, I had spilled out...
"Is Distance a little black boy?"

Fail.

Lucas confirmed... but then he seemed to react like it was the funniest thing I could have asked. 

Seriously.  This dude has taken my one stereotyping fail ...and is tickled to death about it.

EVERY day since....at some point during the day, he has managed to intervene or interrupt another conversation by saying, "Mom!  Do you remember when you asked me if Distance was a little black boy?"

"yes, honey, I do."

It has actually become quite humorous... because he'll bring it up at the oddest times.   
(And the more I hear Distance's name... the more I like it!)

I'm quite sure that Distance and everyone else at the elementary school is aware of this conversation as well.

Interesting how we can do something right for years..... and blow it in a second.
such is life.

time to plan a vacation

I'm out of focus.  I have sat to write a blog several times but my mind wanders as to what I actually want to type about.  I've got lots of little tidbits that our journal worthy... but in the grand scheme of things... they don't really interest me, and in turn would bore a normal person.

I've had some not-so-great parenting moments this week.   The most memorable moment was when I was observed in my pajamas, asleep on my couch, while my son was bullying a neighbor kid.    Any sane person would find it hard to believe that I was actually keeping an eye on the boys and trying to catch up on reading... and I completely- unintentionally- fell asleep.   Am I honestly that kind of parent now?
This is the kind of thing that CPS is called in for, right?
cringe.

The first few days of this week, I was SO sleepy.  If I didn't know any better... I would suspect a pregnancy.     But since that's not the case, I blame myself for not being more active.  

Anywho.
The rest of the week has revolved around muddling thru the kid stuff and pulling myself out of a series of emotional ups and downs.
I've been missing Thayer this week.  

Surprisingly the highlight of my week has been seeing pictures posted by the folks who went with Mission  Link to Uganda this year.     My heart swells as I see familiar people and places, new faces and new places.   I feel a mixture of excitement, longing and anticipation when I see the pictures and read the stories. 
I want to be there.
I want my kids to be there.

Last night, I listened as several women talked about making long term plans to travel to Disney World.  But during the conversation, I just kept thinking about when I can get my kids to Africa.  That's my goal. 
(also a trip to Sea World, one of these years would be splendid)
 After hearing about the 'planning' aspect of a trip to Disney... i'm pretty sure that a trip to Uganda will be far easier to pull off.

just january

I've decided that I shouldn't always be the blogger of bad news... so I figure that I'll give a little update on the good stuff.
Our January days have been pretty nice.

We've settled back in to work and school following the Christmas vacation.   Things are running smoothly with my 'less is best' scheduling.

**Yesterday, I started hosting a new 'single moms' lifegroup (Bible study group, girl group... whatever you want to call it.)    The thought to start the group was planted months ago by one of the ladies in my 'young widows' group.     I have thought about it and prayed about it for several months, knowing that I would love to develop a 'community' of single moms to surround myself with.

Has anyone else noticed that I've done this with every stage in my life??   (new mom group, ladies group, widows group, and now single moms group)  I vow NOW to NOT create the cat lady group.  Please hold me accountable!

Anywho.  The single mom group has started.  I'm excited about it, intimidated about it, hopeful about it, and also realistic about it.   Since I know that single moms, including myself, can be flakes... I'm not exactly sure how well it will roll.   I'll leave that in God's hands.  One of the largest obstacles for us will be the issue of childcare during our meeting.   We are initially planning to let the kids be on their own, in the basement, and see how it goes.   (If everyone attends, we will have 5 adults and 12 kids.   So this should be interesting.)

**The kids and I have been super well about doing our chores lately and the house seems to be keeping in shape.   Interesting how things look tidy if you do just a few things each day.   Genius.

**The boys are successfully saving their allowance money and they have enjoyed another day at Snowflex.

I'm getting a little too excited about their excitement. 
And I can't say enough about the amazing instructors that have been teaching the boys.    We have each picked our favorites... but all of the instructors have been tremendous.  
I often get the feeling of pulling these guys to the side and giving them the whole little speech about how my husband died three years ago, and how nice it has been to watch their interactions with my boys.   I want them to know what positive role models they are providing...even if only for a short time.  
The guys often spend over the allotted time with my boys and I think it's neat.  It's great to see that they are enjoying their jobs.
I've been toying with the idea of taking the boys each week.  It's a bit pricey... but it's WAY cheaper than if I were to enroll both kids back into Karate, or gymnastics, or lots of other sports.   It would be a small price to pay if it's a sport that they will commit to!

boys

I love snow days. It's a forced day to stay home and do nothing.
The boys were anxious to get outside and play and do boy stuff.
I made a spur of the moment decision to declare that they were only allowed to play outside if they shoveled the driveway first.
I wasn't convinced that they could handle the snow shovel this year... but it was worth a shot.
To my excitement....
The boys headed outside and shoveled the driveway and sidewalk without any complaints or difficulties. What a fabulous thing to have children old enough to manage a snow shovel!
This day will be the first snow day in my adult life that I have not gone outside! It was fantabulous. :)

Last year we got mammoth amounts of snow and the kids were out in their galoshes and ragged gloves :(
This year, I prepared well in advance. Both boys have been fashioned with new boots, pants, coats and gloves.

These warm fuzzy snow essentials came in handy today while Daniel spent 6 consecutive hours outside.
Lucas came in for a movie and lunch break and then headed back out for some afternoon fun.
He came home shortly after departure, calm as a cucumber and states that he fell in the creek.
Me: "Really? how did that happen?"
Lucas: "it was icy. and ____ stood on it so I thought I could too. My pants puffed up when I fell in."
Me: "you were in THAT deep!?"
Lucas: "yeah. I could touch but Daniel had to pull me out with a stick."
Me: "yeah. and that's the way that kids drown!..."

I just kept thinking of the scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" when George saves his brother's life... but loses his hearing.
And I wondered if that movie was available for instant viewing on Netflix...

As I helped him undress... imagine brand new fuzzy lined snow boots FULL of creek water.
bummer. :(
Sure. I acted surprised and mumbled about their poor choice of activities. But I've learned to never be truly surprised by what boys do.

I like to think that I have done well with giving my boys some room to roam and explore in their boyness. I observed how Thayer did 'guy' stuff with them and I tell myself to give them that same courtesy. They've had the freedom to play guns, roam around, make forts and even pretend to play "Halo" in the yard. The boys insist that "it's okay because they are only killing aliens"
oh my.

I know a few moms who are aghast at my parenting style when it comes to playtime. But I have had to make a conscious choice to let my kids be boys. Being a single mom, I certainly don't want to stunt anything that will be preparing my kids to be men. I want them to explore and learn things that guys need to learn.
My rule has generally been that things are fine unless someone is bleeding or broken.

Don't get me wrong. I love my kids and want them to be safe.
I certainly don't want to see my kids bleeding or broken... but I expect it to happen at some point.
I'm keenly aware that common sense isn't something that usually accompanies boys on their missions.
I'm also aware that accidents will happen whether I am hovering over their every move or not.

I specifically took a shower and got dressed today... just in case we needed to make a trip to the emergency room.

got man?

I've got a friend at church who always says "Jill, we need to find you a man!"
What a marvelous idea!
But seriously, I've decided that a man is not what I need right now.

Right after Thayer died, I kept saying "surely God doesn't want me to be alone for the next 60 years...."
I was hopeful that He would send someone our way when the time was right.
(That may still be the case! And I certainly wouldn't turn down the opportunity!)
But I don't dwell on that hope too much these days.

For the most part, I am content being single. That contentment usually ebbs and flows. Because, like I've said.. it's lonely.
But overall I think I'm becoming more stable with being on my own.

The suckiest part has always been the fact that the boys don't have a dad around. I mourn the fact that they may have to grow up without a man in the house. That has been the hardest thing to accept since Thayer's death. I don't see the fairness in it... and I question how THAT could be part of God's plan.


I've had some 'learning experiences' over the past two years. Both of which I tried too hard to make things work.
I know that things will work without effort when the time is right.
I look back on each 'relationship' and can recall how silly I was. Just downright weird.
But I am quick to admit that each 'relationship' was helpful in it's own way.
I know just enough what NOT to do if the opportunity to date arises again.

Several people have suggested that I try online dating. My answer is consistently "NO". I know, without a doubt, that it would suck time and energy away from my kids and myself. Can you imagine the time wasted looking through profiles and whatever else is involved? I think it would be emotionally draining and a drastic mix-up of priorities.

More recently, I have wondered if there is a window of opportunity for widows to remarry before it is a lost cause. so... if I'm not remarried in ____ years I should reserve a room at the convent?

One widow blogger just announced her engagement. (and I'm happy for her!)
Another widow in town was married after 5 years.

One dude at church was remarried 4 months after his wife died. Another guy I knew was remarried within the first year.
(I have a verbal soapbox about these guys... you'll have to ask me about it sometime.) (hint... the guys tick me off... alot)

I guess that there is no way of knowing when, or if, remarriage is in the picture. Sure... it would be nice to know if I'll be traveling the world with a hubby when my kids are grown... or if I should start researching cat adoption.

anywho. I'm not losing any sleep over it.
As of today, I am perfectly content with sleeping smack dab in the middle of my bed.

the age

I heard on the radio, yesterday, that the average age that most women try to "do it all" and balance a gazillion things is 33.
I can see that as being accurate to a point... since 33 year olds are typically in high gear with kids, work or family life.
And I know of other people my age who seem to be 'doing it all' for everyone. For their family, for the church, for friends, for the school, for the neighborhood, for the needy, for strangers, for charities, for random animals.

I, on the other hand, have weaned myself off of doing a gazillion things.
That isn't necessarily a good thing. But I'm content with my non-action right now.

I'd be first to admit that the death of a spouse certainly changes things on a 'to-do' list. Lots of crazy obsessions or OCD tendencies kinda get tossed aside when one's life is turned upside down. And the dream of becoming Ms. PTA instantly vaporizes when the reality of single parenting bulldozes into the home.
I know that some single parents keep the facade of 'doing it all' for everyone... but I know better. Somebody is suffering.
I'd rather not burn the candle at both ends... because my kids usually get burned along the way.

Don't get me wrong. My schedule is booked... pretty much all of the time. But... over the past few years, I have learned to say "no" rather easily. And I don't feel too much panic when something lies undone, or if errands are delayed, etc.

Haha. As I type this... I know that I NEED to put the clothes in the dryer TONIGHT or my morning routine will be shot! And, I realize that all of the dishes must be washed and put away before I go to bed each night.

um... so scratch the OCD statement above. :-)

whew. lost my train of thought.

regroup.

I guess what I'm trying to say... is that I don't feel guilty for my non-involvement these days. I am very fortunate to have some ME time built into my schedule... which never occurred in previous years.

I realize that I am very blessed to have the luxury of in-town family members who will watch my boys as needed.

(I know that other single moms who don't have this luxury.... so if you know someone like that.... volunteer to keep their kids!! It is SO important that they get a break!)

I can thank my family for two ladies nights each month AND for my Thursday night kick-boxing class. Those activities are a large part of what keeps me sane :) Along with all of the other random activities that get me out and about.

I'm hoping that as I pull myself back to sanity that I can slowly start to gain the initiative to reach out to others again. I'd like to see myself back in the school and involved at church... but I want to get myself straight first.
As of now... I'm content with my ME time and my sanity.
(even though some of you might doubt the 'sanity' part) :)

conclusion: don't include me on the list of 33 year olds that 'do-it all'.
Maybe when I'm older :)

oh what a night

ahhhh.... finally sitting down at 10pm.
At 5pm, I had great plans to put the kids to bed at a decent hour (which is supposed to be 8pm), make my favorite beverage and maybe even watch a sappy movie.

yeah. that was wishful thinking.

Instead, I got into a heavy debate with my oldest about his behavior in school today. He insists that what the substitute teacher perceived as rude... was actually him trying to "follow the rules" and be "honest". I am SO baffled by his reasoning... and I often don't know if he's lying, or if he actually has a twisted view of reality. I'm wondering if a return trip to the counselor in is our future. It's just absurd.

While the oldest was debating moral issues with me, the youngest was doing...
I don't know what he was doing. He has become quite the night owl. At about 9:45 he emerged from his room to show me his loose tooth which he had twisted completely around. He worked for the next few minutes to get it out. He's a persistent little dude. (and I must mention that he has been doing fantastic. It seems like my kids take turns with the crazy cup... and it's his week off.) :)

All the while, I keep thinking how nice it would be to have two parents here. How wonderful it would be to discuss the school incident with another level headed person. Someone else to try to pick Daniel's brain.
Instead, I unload my thoughts in an email to the teachers. Gee.... I'm sure that they'll appreciate getting that in the morning.
It would be great to have another male in the house who could talk the Boy language.
They are such interesting creatures.
and I'm at such a loss.

tomorrow is a new day....

just gotta get this out...

We just got back from Kids Haven, where the adult group talked about "teams". It was supposed to encourage us to consider what each individual contributes to the family "team"... i think.
But all I realized, and I think others realized, is that widowed parents have to fill ALL of the roles. Leader, visionary, trainer, referee, support staff, time keeper, announcer, etc. etc.

My husband isn't here and I'm left to fill all of the roles.
Upon returning to my musty smelling, dirty house, I get angry thinking about all of the roles that I fill.
I'm angry that my husband isn't here to do what he is supposed to do. I'm angry that I have two kids that don't lift a finger to help me. I'm angry that my kids don't give a shit about... anything.
I'm angry that I have an 8 year old that is a raging lunatic whenever he is asked to be responsible about homework, personal hygiene, or help around the house. I'm angry that the same 8 year old can be the sweetest most loving person as long as he is doing what he enjoys. I'm angry that there is no balance.
I'm angry that my 9 year old enables the 8 year old to be a moron. I'm angry that my 9 year old acts like he's 2.
I'm angry that we are in this predicament partly due to piss-poor parenting, and partly due to the fact that they are so eaten up inside by the death of their Dad.

So angry.
We all are.

whew.
I feel better now.

exterminator?

Last night at 1am, L screamed out in panic. I moseyed out of bed and went to find him standing in his room. He was pretty sure that something was in his bed. I assured him that he was having a bad dream and I tucked him back in, turned on the light of his new light saber (which came with a stand... to use as a nifty nightlight) and I went back to bed.

All the while, I'm thinking... how much I miss Thayer... and how it really sucks to be the only one to come to the rescue of a panicked dreamer.

At 1:30am, L screamed out in total horror. He had made his way to the hallway screaming, "There really is something! This is really it! There's a SNAKE in my room!!"
I shot out of bed knowing that he was pretty sure of himself this time.
D also joined us in the hallway wondering what the heck was going on.

I was 99.9 percent sure that there wasn't a snake.
But .1 percent of me remembered the fact that we had found a baby snake in our basement several weeks ago... and at the time we had joked about the possibility of mama snake having residence in our house.
Being the super brave mom that I am, I turned on his light and went to investigate his room. He begged and cried for me NOT to go in. He was crying and shaking. He was certain that the snake, which he described quite well, had been slithering on a blanket in the floor.

Now. This situation would seem easy to someone whose kids kept tidy rooms. But I was looking in at a floor covered with legos, blankets, books, clothes, etc. It's a total mess in there. And quite frankly a snake could probably live undetected for months.

So, here I was....1:30am.... picking up and shaking blankets, moving legos and searching every corner of the room with added help from a flashlight. All the while, L is crying for me to be cautious.

I explained that if there was really a snake, that I would need to find it.
I asked him, "what am I supposed to do if I find one?"
He screamed out, "CALL 911!!!"
"really?"
"no. CALL THE SNAKE AWAY-ERS!! tomorrow morning."
He was freaked out.
I paused to take some time to giggle at the predicament and his suggestions. :o)

After several minutes of searching I concluded that there was NOT a snake in his room. He had just had a vivid dream.
But just to be on the safe side, we sealed off his room and he came to bed with me.
We shared a few laughs about the incident and then drifted off to sleep.

Never a dull moment around here!

spoke too soon

I was just telling L's teacher about how happy he's been. A dramatic change from last spring.

But, lo and behold, he lost it tonight. And I failed miserably as a parent, again.

(we are both completely fine now... and he's sneaking around with his brother in the other room, with giggles.)

But to combat my stress, I downloaded a new ringtone and I'm on my way to have a drink and watch a depressing movie...
just because.

I'm fine, really.

gee. I was going to post about our week so far. I wanted to brag on our new routine and give good reports on the kids. (and I will... eventually).

Things were going really well today. I had lunch with a friend, did some shopping and then did absolutely nothing productive. The kids were in good moods and things seem pretty good.

Bedtime was a little rocky. And after I put the kids to bed, I got that agitated sinking feeling. It mirrored the anxious feelings that used to steal my breath after Thayer died.
I can't explain it fully.
And I certainly can't explain why it creeps up on me after a perfectly fine day.
I don't have anything pressing on my schedule but yet I still managed a little bit of panic.
weird.

I think I can chalk it up to a grief burst. Cause those certainly come when you least expect 'em.
My pity party consisted of thinking to myself that, "no matter what I do, I'm just. not. enough."
Not enough for running this house, not enough for my kids.
Thayer is supposed to be here. This is a two person job.

But as soon as I think, "I'm not enough"... God reminds me that HE is.
Though the reality of His reminder doesn't stop the tears, it takes away the guilt. (It's okay if I'm not a super mom...)
So I pull myself together, fold the sheets, and move on.

Tomorrow is a new day.