17 years

Tomorrow, April 10th, could have been my 17th wedding anniversary.
Over the years the birthdays and anniversaries that could have been- but aren't celebrated- have been shadows on my calendar.     I make note each year of the numbers that could be.... so I won't forget.   There is a large part of me that needs to remember.    
I could still be married.   Thayer could grow older each year.
But neither are reality.

At times I wonder if he and I would have made it 17 years.    Of course I hope we would have.... but marriage is hard.   I've witnessed many of friends go through divorce.    Would he and I have defied the odds?

17 years.
 
I've written before about how I've lost the knowledge of what Thayer would do in certain situations.   I have no idea what 17 years would have looked like with him.  I have no idea of how our family would have developed if he were here.   I have no idea how he would raise these teenagers.
I guess the kid thing is the hardest.    My sons and I have been a family of three longer than we were a family of four.  

It all boils down to the fact that we aren't guaranteed tomorrow.    Life is precious.. blah, blah, blah.
Enjoy today.  

good gifts

I've been hesitant to write lately.

Things have been going swimmingly well.

 I don't want to jinx things.  
 

For over seven years I have typed about God's plan, my strong hope for a future,  and contentment.    I am secure in my knowledge that God has things planned out.   That life is good... and I can be happy in my circumstances.   And I am.
But I am always wondering, "what's next? What really IS God's plan for me?"

And now... when it looks like some of my prayers are being answered and perhaps there may be a chance of a fresh 'beginning'...... I freak out a little.

Things start going really well and I almost wait for the other shoe to drop.

I know... (and most days I remember)... that I need to accept every blessing as it comes.   I shouldn't question or doubt the blessing.    I just need to soak it up.  
God gives good gifts.    Why is it so hard for us to accept them sometimes?

The past few months have been really happy.   Heart swelling happy at times.   And honestly it's hard to believe that I deserve it.    Things were already going so well.  I was content.   Do I really deserve more?

Maybe.  Maybe not.    I guess time will tell.  
In the meantime, I need to keep reminding myself that God's plan is perfect.... and his timing is perfect.... and this day has happened for a reason.
Embrace it, Jill.