from the litter box

I love it when God teaches me through small insignificant things.  Small things are good.
Sometimes it takes life altering events to get the point across... and sometimes he teaches with cat litter.

The other night I was tediously scooping cat poop from the litter box as Mr. Q stood by and watched.  I knew that the instant I completed my chore that he would get in there and S#@!  

It occurs to me that God sometimes does that.  (wow, not the cursing thing, obviously).   But I know that He often hangs out and watches us do our thing.  We put plans together, we expect things to go as planned.  
All the while God is looking over our shoulders, knowing exactly what He's going to do next.   Sometimes it's good stuff and sometimes it's crap.
Lucky for us, God always cleans up the mess when our plans go awry.

Over the past week several people have asked me "How are you really doing?"
 (am I doing something that makes people wonder?!)
I feel like I'm doing well.  I feel content.
My relationship with the boys is improving.
I am happy with my job and with my friends.
I have learned to budget my time and I feel more relaxed than I have in years.

If you had asked me 4 years ago if I thought I would ever be happy again... I'm not sure what I would have said.    I couldn't see a future for myself after Thayer died. 
Obviously I clung to my verse.  Jeremiah 29:11... But mostly to the part  about how God will "give hope and a future".   I knew that God would have to fill me with hope.   I clung to that for several years.    "Hope" was my word.

Next month, my lifegroup at church will be reading and discussing My One Word by Mike Ashcraft.  I initially thought of course my word will be 'hope'.   But the more I think about it.   I've got 'hope' down pat.  I think it just occurred to me that God has delivered!  I'm not sure at what point it came, but I've got it.

So as I dig into the book next month I will be coming up with another word.  I'm got a few in mind.  And I'm excited about a new focus.  something other than simply surviving and waiting for a future.  perhaps it's time to start living that.
Thank you God for providing!

unplugged

I've come up with a lovely new idea for myself in the new year.   I have made a pact with myself and my boys that I will only check my email, and facebook, one time each evening... ideally once the kids have gone to bed.
I managed to do quite well with it this past week.  

The time that I had been wasting with my constant computer tinkering is absurd.  really absurd.
And while on my technology 'fast', I realized that I had an amazing amount of free time!

This past week I cleaned out a cluttered mess in my computer hutch, we cleaned the unfinished room in the basement, and I organized under my bathroom cabinet.   All of the things that I had successfully avoided for months.   I was feeling productive AND connected to my kids.  

The problem with being 'unplugged' is that I didn't have instant answers to my questions, or instant reactions from my friends.  
I had to call THREE people on the phone this week to have a few questions answered.  wow!
I also had to keep a running list of who I needed to email during my solo email session.

I wasn't sure how I would react to my new plan... but it has been like going on a vacation!!  It has been so refreshing and I feel like I'm claiming a bit of life back.    Because truth is... if you're always online, you clearly aren't 100% invested in the life that's right in front of you.

As for today... the kids are outside and I'm taking a reprieve from cleaning the house.   I suppose it's okay to blog once in a while during the day.
and come to think of it... i'll probably sneek over to facebook to post this.    I guess that old habits are hard to break!

debriefing

Today I was interviewed by a guy who is writing a book about how to raise sons to be men in the absence of a father.    It appears he is interviewing a zillion single moms to find out what they consider to be challenges or struggles.

I learned some stuff about myself in the process.

I learned that I suck pretty badly on phone interviews and I find it hard to express my thoughts verbally.

I learned that I just want my kids to be 'okay' when they grow up.  I'd like them to be good men, good fathers.   I long for them to learn compassion and consideration for others.

I learned that I really don't have fears concerning my boys and I certainly don't lay awake at night worrying about their futures.  
And while considering my lack of worry.... I realized that after Thayer died, worrying just didn't make sense.  Why worry about things that our totally out of your hands?

I also realized that I don't hold much guilt about all of my failures as a mom.   Of course I make mistakes... but I am not 100% responsible for who my kids are.  They are their own people.  And I am only human.
I have always prayed that God would fill the voids and raise them where I lack.

I learned that despite the constant battle for respect, the constant struggle of disciplining these monsters, and the off-and-on fury from Lucas, I am pretty darn content with where we are today.

I was challenged to answer what I wanted and what would perfect look like.   
I thought having a step-dad for the boys and a farm would fit the bill.    Both of those ideas seem so abstract.  And quite humorous, right?   :)
The perfect part would simply include being respected by the boys in a peaceful relationship.  
What mom doesn't want that?

In the course of the questioning, I realized that God has provided for us financially, and that is a huge burden lifted.   He has also provided social outlets for myself and the boys.  I am so thankful for my friends!
Being a solo parent is no walk in the park, but I'm aware that my situation could be much more difficult.  I'm totally counting my blessings!

looking back

It seems like quite a while ago when I had our old home videos transferred to DVDs. 
I haven't been able to watch them for fear that I would break down into a blubbering, sobbing fool.

Tonight! We started watching the DVDs!!
 This is huge.   I had no apprehension and was actually excited to get them out of the closet and pop them in.
We watched about two hours of Daniel as a baby.   He was so cute and chubby.   He army crawled all over creation in our old house.    (I loved that house!)
We watched as Thayer gave Daniel his first haircut on our deck.  We watched all three of us sit in the baby pool.  We watched Daniel and Mr. Q playing in a box.    We saw old friends and relatives in their early years.     We saw my Grandma, Froggie.  It was great to hear her voice again.

And it was really nice to see, and hear, Thayer.   I didn't cry nearly as much as I had expected.   These particular videos were from 2001.   Thayer and I were both so young.   I can hardly remember those years.   It was interesting to hear us interact with each other and Daniel.  
Daniel was clearly a first child in the family.  It was humorous to see.

Lucas must have said at least 5 times,  "You were so skinny".  
indeed.  
Lucas also mentioned, "you were so nice".
I quickly reminded him that 2001 was before he was born, before I had given birth to two children, AND before my kids learned how to talk.
Before life happened.

Isn't it interesting how much things change over a period of eleven and a half years?

We had a great time watching the first of several dvds... and then we went upstairs and returned to reality.    Bedtimes have not been pleasant since they've been back at school.  
I think I miss my non-verbal babies.