cards

The Redbud tree that we planted in memory of Thayer is blooming this week.   It seems a bit early.   Spring is upon us and I had the notion that we'd tackle some cleaning while on break from school.     Today's job..... bedrooms.      I had the privilege of starting my chores early, since the cat woke me 30 minutes after her designated breakfast time.    (have I mentioned how much I love this cat?)

I was feeling super productive and very "minimalist" as I purged junk from my drawers and closet.  I was even gloating to myself about how unattached I am to material things.  

And then... there in the back top corner of my closet... was the box full of Sympathy cards that we received after Thayer's death.
I reached for it, completely ready to empty the box into the recycling bin.  My minimalist thought was obvious, "I have no need for these.   They've been untouched in this closet for years.  Toss 'em."

But I heard that inner voice, who I should probably credit as the Spirit say,  "Just read a few."



There I sat in my bedroom floor.
I read every single personal message in every single one of those cards.   And I cried, and cried.

This, of course, took me by surprise.    It took me right back to the time following Thayer's death.   The amount of support was overwhelming.  So many people from different times of our lives...   No one certain of what to say or do... but they decided to do what most people do.... send a card.

I'm pretty sure that I didn't absorb the messages written in these cards when I received them over seven years ago.   I probably just opened a dozen a day and stuffed them in the box.
I should also clarify that I don't generally save cards.    I usually open them, read them, and then recycle them.
The fact that I kept this box for over seven years is quite amazing.  Nothing short of an act of God.  :)

My weep-fest this morning was truly a gift.  
 I read the same phrases over and over how people were praying that God would sustain us, that God would give peace, that God would comfort, that God would provide us with support and help, that God would strengthen us, and that God would give us healing.
One friend wrote a reminder that "God is almighty and faithful".

While crying over those cards, I was simultaneously  praising God for answering EVERY SINGLE ONE of the prayers lifted up on our behalf.   God fulfilled ALL of those requests in extraordinary ways.  And he continues.

My friend Elaine wrote in her card, "I pray that you will be able to look back and see God's hand on so many things."
Today I had the opportunity to look back... and I am so thankful for the resounding reminder that God IS almighty and faithful.

hope refreshed

The air outside of my box has been refreshing.
Yoga daily, walking daily, meeting new people.

The church group that I started attending has been 'interesting'.   I've only gone a couple of weeks and I realize that it's odd getting used to the Baptist lingo again.   It's especially hard on me when I don't know the tune of the praise songs.   I dig the fact that our group has a band.... and I'm assuming I'll catch on soon.
A couple of weeks ago, the leader wasn't there and he had asked a university student to fill in.  My first thought was, "wow.  some young kid is going to try to give us -old timers- some insight.   What kind of experience does he have?!"
Oh me of little faith.
God used that kid to speak volumes, directly to me, that evening.  
Remember that time God used an ass to speak to Balaam?!   That kid certainly wasn't a donkey... but God gave me a sharp reminder of His ability to communicate with us.     It was an encouraging evening.   The kid spoke on 1 Corinthians 13..... and I came away reminded that God's love for me trumps my circumstances, my insecurities, and my relationships- where people may fail.
I am valued and loved by God, and that's where I need to base my worth.

Lately my mind has gravitated back to my favorite verse, Jeremiah 29:11 "For I know the plans I have for you", declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and future."
This verse kept me grounded after Thayer died.   I counted on God to give me the hope that I needed as I looked toward the future. Part of that hope, if I'm honest, was that I would remarry and live happily ever after.
As time has passed... I have started to accept the fact that marriage might not be in the cards.  I am super content in knowing that whatever God has planned will be great.
The past few years I've been planning for a future on my own.  Thinking about the years until I kick the kids out, thinking about future jobs, preparing the house for myself to live out my lonely old years.  (yet still thinking about traveling, chilling with my friends, and all that good stuff)  :)

Interestingly enough.... when I recently stepped outta my box.... I met a man.  (squeal!)
Now, I'm not suggesting that this is THE man.   But he's a good one!
Getting to know him is new and exciting.   I'm really appreciating the attention and I love the feeling of being pursued.    This is stuff I haven't thought about- or felt -for years.     It's like being a teenager again.   (because I clearly don't have any idea about dating.  This is seriously like starting from scratch for me.)
Whether or not things continue with this guy, I realize that I am SO thankful for this time.   It has rekindled my hope that perhaps I do have a future that could include a spouse.   If not him... then someone.
I'm hopeful.  
And that's refreshing.