15 years

Yesterday marked the 15th anniversary of Thayer's death.  The date mostly cruised past with just a few texts from friends, and my precious brother-in-law, remembering the date.  I somehow didn't even mention it to my boys until just a few minutes ago. (Sorry, guys.)   

For the past several years I keep referring to 2008 as a lifetime ago. 
It really was.

At work today, it occurred to me that I met one of the funeral directors for the first time, 15 years ago- this week!  Not that we would have remembered meeting..... I was completely in shock when he sat with me...and he has met hundreds of families over the years.  All I know is that he was the one who made the arrangements when Thayer died. 
And here I am, employed at the same funeral home that assisted our family 15 years ago.
What a weird circle of events.   

I walked my neighborhood yesterday and thought about how my life is completely not what I expected it would be, yet it's exactly how it's supposed to be.  
I don't try to think about what things would be like if Thayer were here.... because it would be impossible to piece together an imaginary future based on what Thayer and I had envisioned for our lives.  We ALL know that life never goes as planned, so we must continually find joy in our current circumstances.  
I am so appreciative of what God has done for me and the boys through the years, placing us right where we are supposed to be in 2023.
Blessings upon blessings.

Wish you were here, Thayer. ❤️

14 years

Here we go.... my yearly update and thoughts about Thayer's death anniversary.   Yesterday marked 14 years.  I was ready to blog, I was ready to do some computer projects, I was ready to do something.... but I couldn't.  My attention span was short yesterday.  I couldn't really get myself to do anything.   I have always thought that my body knows when these dates are here.  

Today I made myself have an official "lunch break" and watch a movie before I started with my to-do list.   I managed to watch an entire movie about a cat that becomes a guy, and then goes back to being a cat.  It was just as bizarre and weird as it sounds.   But I actually sat through it.   Most movies I set out to watch take me 3 or more hours to finish because I get highly distracted by piddling around the house or tending to chores.   This one... I watched through in one sitting.  Not sure if that's a good- or bad-sign of my mental health.

As of now, I've caught up on some computer chores and I'm sitting to think about what I should have written yesterday.

The entire life and death thing has become rather ordinary since I've worked at the funeral home.  Death is never wanted.... but I've learned to accept it.   I learned a lot about death when Thayer died; and as I age, it's even more "expected" (if that's the right word).   
We're all on borrowed time.  

What matters is how we spend that time.

Thayer's time was short, but no doubt he spent his time well.   I will always admire him for the time he invested in family and friends, the time he spent helping others, and the hard work he put in, daily, to better himself and those around him.

This all makes me consider how I'm spending my own time.

I recently decided to try to cut back my screen time on my phone.  My goal is 30 minutes/day.   However I'm still averaging just under 2 hours.    Certainly a work in progress. 
I did some math and realized that spending 2 hours a day looking at a screen equals THIRTY (30) DAYS of a year.  If we do the math with waking hours.... it's over FORTY-FIVE DAYS!   Holy cow.... an entire MONTH, or more, of a YEAR completely evaporated.  
This has been a wake up call for me.   

(Granted.... watching a movie about a cat-guy isn't the best alternative) 

I hope to be more intentional with my time so that one day someone will say..... "she lived her life well".   

Proverbs 27:1 Do not boast about tomorrow, for you do not know what a day may bring.

Today is our day.   Make the most of it.

August

August 16th
11 years

Mid August always brings on an underlying bit of anxiousness for me: Remembering the pivotal moment of Thayer's death, and the days that followed. 
It was a horrible time...and I only allow myself to engage those memories for about a week.   Then back to business as usual.

It started a bit earlier this month.  August 3rd, I found out that one of my travel companions to Uganda, in 2011, had tragically been killed by a drunk driver.     
My relationship with Kent was brief.  I had traveled with Kent and his son to Uganda and I have seen him a handful of times since.   Kent was DOING things!  Great things!  He was wise, encouraging, open, thoughtful. 
The Facebook tributes began flooding in.... and I knew I had pinned him well.   So many people have described him with such eloquence.  He was the kind of guy that impacted everyone he came in contact with.    His film projects were rich and full.  His faith was unique and his love for his family was so evident.     Kent gave so much of himself to the world.... and now he is just... gone.
I know exactly where Kent Williamson is today.... but I am terribly heartbroken for his wife and six children, as well as the extended family who lost 4 of their people that day.   So many lives shattered.  I just can't imagine. 
My journey can only give me a small glimpse of what that family may be experiencing.   It's horrific.

Fast forward to some of my own weepy car rides this month and the recognition that my boys are growing up with so many of Thayer's traits.
Daniel started working full time as an auto technician this week.   I am so proud, and I know Thayer would be over the moon to have his son follow in his footsteps.   
Where have the last eleven years gone?!

Yesterday I ran in to a family that I haven't seen in many years.   Right away I remembered them as people I loved.  We had lost touch when they moved far away.
My mind went into a frantic search for placing them on my timeline.  Adam and Kim...  They knew Thayer.  Were they around when Thayer died?  Do they even know Thayer is dead?  (cue the sad music about my non-existent memory)
Thank goodness they were able to clear up the details and it was SO lovely to see their faces again.
They have been on my mind since our meeting.  A blast from the past... (Early 2000s) ...A past that feels like two lifetimes ago.

Sabrina shared an interesting theory with me today.   She seems to think I don't remember much of my past, and I don't tend to be anxious about the future, because I live in the present.     In some ways I guess that is true.   
It's true I don't dwell on the past (however it's a shame that I can't remember all the fun stuff).
And if I've learned anything from Thayer's death, it is that we can't worry our way into the future.    We just have to be along for the ride.
I want to strive to be more conscious of the present and be intentional with the people I love.
Life is too short.

changing seasons

The change of seasons.   The changes in life.
Sometimes so slowly we don't notice.  Sometimes so abruptly that it uproots us.

This week could have been my 20th wedding anniversary.   How bizarre to consider it when life has shifted in different directions. 
All of these years later.  We are good. This is where we are supposed to be. 

But... we had heard that the milestones would be hard. 

We received Daniel's graduation invitations in the mail recently and something crept up on me. 
No father here to witness and celebrate. 
I cried myself to sleep for the first time in years.
I have yet to ask Daniel if he feels the same.... if he is acutely aware of Thayer's absence during this milestone moment. 
He seems fine.  He seems unemotional as usual.    Which makes me wonder if some of his aloof shell has to do with his father being gone all of this time.   How much has this loss really shaped him?   How much counseling will he need after being mothered by me?  haha

We are who we are.  Our life experiences have shaped us for better and worse. 
Seasons change, life changes. 
Somehow seasons are more predictable.   I noticed the red buds blooming this week and wondered about the tree we planted in honor of Thayer.   At the "old" house now. 
Sure enough... it IS blooming. 
Some things never change.  Yet little remains the same.

photo credit: Lisa Tibbs
4/9/19

a decade

August 16th marked 10 years without Thayer.   The date came and went. 
Our family gathered for a birthday swim and dinner, on what would have been Thayer's 48th birthday, on August 19th. 
(I joked that even death can't stop a son-in-law from having a Gowell birthday party.) :)
The death anniversary and birthday week went by unnoticed by most people.  However I think my body always subconsciously knows.... and I was kind of a wreck under my skin for about a week.

10 years.  That's a decade.   I didn't piece that together until my friend Jennifer noted that her fiance had also been gone for a decade.     I keep saying that I knew Thayer a lifetime ago.  It sure feels that way.

This week we were notified of the unexpected death of Scott Baker, our former worship leader and Thayer's friend from years ago. 
Considering I didn't know Scott very well on a personal basis, I was actually surprised that the news of his death has rattled me. Since the news I have spiraled back in time..... and it does feel like a lifetime ago.    I find myself grieving for Scott's people, re-grieving Thayer's death, and ultimately grieving the past that was literally decades ago.

Thayer was involved with Grace Church when I came upon the scene in 1997.  Scott was the worship leader during that time.   I recall how Scott's original music and the worship team's style and presentation were instrumental in our early relationship and early years of our marriage.  The songs were rich and impactful, and were an integral part of our spiritual growth as a couple.  I can recall having those songs in my head every week.... all week... after a Sunday service.   It's hard to capture in words what a sweet period of time that was at Grace Church.    But those who were there can certainly reminisce. 

I hear Scott was at Thayer's funeral in 2008.  And I do vaguely remember him there amidst my fog.
And here we are 10  years later and I'm following posts online about Scott's funeral.  Those precious people from Grace are saying goodbye to yet another one gone too soon.

I cried on my way to work yesterday as I envisioned how Thayer would react to happening upon Scott in heaven.  I know he will be ecstatic.  What a reunion. 
If Scott needs a sound guy in heaven.... I know a good one.   :)

9 years

(Yep.  The wedding happened.   I'm still in love.  And I'll elaborate on that in another post)

However, I do need to pause for a moment to address this day.
On my calendar for August 16th is a hand drawn heart with "2008" written next to it.

Today marks nine years without Thayer.
I've been gearing up for this day, as usual.  Every year is different.  
This year, I've been happily distracted for a few weeks as we are adjusting to being a family of four again.

To keep with tradition, I have a family dinner planned on Saturday, in memory of Thayer's birthday.   He would have been 47.
Greg and I were just talking about how Thayer will always be 37.   I wonder how he would have aged?   I see his family members and I get an idea....but who really knows?

After my jog this morning, I took a few moments to reflect on Thayer, his impact on our family, and just how much has changed since his exit.  
Nine years has been a long time.    I've said before that it feels like another life.    It was.  
Thinking of Thayer, I smile.   And this morning I was surprised that I only shed a single tear.   As it rolled down my cheek, I thought about how much grief changes over time.    Even typing this... I am in awe of the good, the bad, the ugly and the beautiful things I have learned through my grieving.  (I'm pretty sure I could muster up a big cry right now.... but I want to embrace my current happy.)

Nine years.
I'm living a life, now, that I never imagined, and it has caught me by surprise.

The boys are unfazed as usual by the date.
They are aware that we'll be commemorating Thayer's birthday as usual.
I always wonder how they process things.
Daniel mentioned that he thought it had been longer than 9 years.
 How quickly time gets away from us.

8 years

interesting fact:  Elvis Presley died on August 16,1977

Tomorrow marks eight years since Thayer left this earth.    I can't really comprehend how long ago that was, or how quickly time passes.
It's forever.  It's yesterday.  
So much has happened in the last eight years.   My boys have grown up before my eyes and we have established a nice little life for ourselves.     The really bad years are a faint memory.    I still recall the crying, the screaming, the barely keeping afloat on some nights.   But I also recall the wonderful family and friends, and my gracious God, that have kept me sane for the past 8 years.   It's been quite the ride filled with loss, sadness, hope, contentment, and so much growth.

I read a post today titled "My World Would Be So Different If You Were Still Alive".
Sure, lots of things would probably be the same.  I'd probably be living in the same house, have the same job, attend the same church.    But obviously many things would be different if Thayer was still here.   If Thayer was still alive, my boys would know what it's like to grow up with a Dad.  (that's, by far, the most disappointing part about his death.)
 If Thayer was still alive, I feel like our original plan would have continued on it's path.   I sometimes wonder....what would our family,our relationships, our communication, our habits, our parenting look like?
As I have learned, life rarely goes as planned... so I never dwell on what 'could have been'.
I think I've done well with moving forward through it all.   I'll never 'get over' losing Thayer and I have a deep appreciation for the time and life we had together.

But if you were still alive, I might not have realized that the whole "live each day like it's your last" mindset is legit.  That I need to treasure every moment while I still can and tell my family I love them as much as possible.

As much as I miss you, I'm thankful for what you taught me while you were here, and what you're continuing to teach me now that you're gone.

-Holly Riordan

I can look back now and see that I've grown over the past eight years.  I have a unique relationship with God that I never would have established had I not spent nights and nights in conversation and tears with Him.   My perspective on life has changed.   Losing my husband has been the worst event of my life thus far.   The experience has also been a defining time of finding a deep faith and watching God bring beauty instead of ashes (Isaiah 61:3)

So... tomorrow.... 8 years out.     I still love him.  I miss him.    But instead of mourning his death tomorrow... I'm skipping town for a trip to the beach.  
"Live each day like it's your last!"
Our extended family will gather on Friday to memorialize (what would have been) Thayer's 46th birthday.  
I've always liked birthday celebrations better.

17 years

Tomorrow, April 10th, could have been my 17th wedding anniversary.
Over the years the birthdays and anniversaries that could have been- but aren't celebrated- have been shadows on my calendar.     I make note each year of the numbers that could be.... so I won't forget.   There is a large part of me that needs to remember.    
I could still be married.   Thayer could grow older each year.
But neither are reality.

At times I wonder if he and I would have made it 17 years.    Of course I hope we would have.... but marriage is hard.   I've witnessed many of friends go through divorce.    Would he and I have defied the odds?

17 years.
 
I've written before about how I've lost the knowledge of what Thayer would do in certain situations.   I have no idea what 17 years would have looked like with him.  I have no idea of how our family would have developed if he were here.   I have no idea how he would raise these teenagers.
I guess the kid thing is the hardest.    My sons and I have been a family of three longer than we were a family of four.  

It all boils down to the fact that we aren't guaranteed tomorrow.    Life is precious.. blah, blah, blah.
Enjoy today.  

cards

The Redbud tree that we planted in memory of Thayer is blooming this week.   It seems a bit early.   Spring is upon us and I had the notion that we'd tackle some cleaning while on break from school.     Today's job..... bedrooms.      I had the privilege of starting my chores early, since the cat woke me 30 minutes after her designated breakfast time.    (have I mentioned how much I love this cat?)

I was feeling super productive and very "minimalist" as I purged junk from my drawers and closet.  I was even gloating to myself about how unattached I am to material things.  

And then... there in the back top corner of my closet... was the box full of Sympathy cards that we received after Thayer's death.
I reached for it, completely ready to empty the box into the recycling bin.  My minimalist thought was obvious, "I have no need for these.   They've been untouched in this closet for years.  Toss 'em."

But I heard that inner voice, who I should probably credit as the Spirit say,  "Just read a few."



There I sat in my bedroom floor.
I read every single personal message in every single one of those cards.   And I cried, and cried.

This, of course, took me by surprise.    It took me right back to the time following Thayer's death.   The amount of support was overwhelming.  So many people from different times of our lives...   No one certain of what to say or do... but they decided to do what most people do.... send a card.

I'm pretty sure that I didn't absorb the messages written in these cards when I received them over seven years ago.   I probably just opened a dozen a day and stuffed them in the box.
I should also clarify that I don't generally save cards.    I usually open them, read them, and then recycle them.
The fact that I kept this box for over seven years is quite amazing.  Nothing short of an act of God.  :)

My weep-fest this morning was truly a gift.  
 I read the same phrases over and over how people were praying that God would sustain us, that God would give peace, that God would comfort, that God would provide us with support and help, that God would strengthen us, and that God would give us healing.
One friend wrote a reminder that "God is almighty and faithful".

While crying over those cards, I was simultaneously  praising God for answering EVERY SINGLE ONE of the prayers lifted up on our behalf.   God fulfilled ALL of those requests in extraordinary ways.  And he continues.

My friend Elaine wrote in her card, "I pray that you will be able to look back and see God's hand on so many things."
Today I had the opportunity to look back... and I am so thankful for the resounding reminder that God IS almighty and faithful.

7 years

You have five minutes to wallow in delicious misery: enjoy it, embrace it, discard it.... and proceed. 

 Claire Colburn,

Elizabethtown

It's the seventh anniversary of Thayer's death.    I can't believe how I used to count the days.  This year I have had to count with my fingers, often, because I really wasn't sure of how many years had past.

Seven.

We had a great day.   Church, yard work, friends, organizing school supplies, dinner with my friends from high school, ice cream with Papa.
Full day.

It was last night that I had my meltdown.    

I will document this simply for the fact of documenting  and hopefully letting other widows know that they are not alone in the tidal wave that can still hit... even after seven years.

It all started with Mr. Q.   His cancer tumor has grown and the vet says that it's almost time for us to make those end of life decisions.    I cried over the fact that while we are remembering Thayer, his cat's life is coming to an end.  Seven years later.    

I cried over the impending loss of our cat.

Then I cried over the fact that it's been seven years.

Truth be told, we're not where I initially thought we'd be after seven years.

  I remember after Thayer died, I had a pretty little picture, in my head, that God would have me remarried within 2-3 years.... that the boys would have an amazing step dad who would love them as his own, and that they would have someone to call "Dad".

Well.  God obviously had different plans.

The story of Jacob and Rachel instantly came to mind.   Jacob worked for seven years in order to marry Rachel.   And then on the wedding night Laban bamboozled Jacob and sent in Leah!  What a disappointment.   Seven years of waiting.

I cried last night because I felt a bit bamboozled.     

It's been seven years. come on!  What's the plan, God?

I cried over the fact that I can certainly wait around for another husband, if that's on His agenda.  I'm totally cool with that.
But... God did not provide that "Dad" for my boys like I had hoped.    So many of their formative years have already passed.  
I cried because this year marks the year that both boys have been fatherless longer than they had a father.   That just sucks.

When I'm down, I find lots to wallow in.    I can become very disappointed when I even begin to think that God has forgotten us.

But I know the truth that everything is working together for good, in God's time.   I have to believe that.
Sometimes we just have to wait.

In the meantime lets not forget how much God has blessed us with over the past seven years.
The boys and I have been happy and healthy.     We have amazing family and friends.   I have become comfortable as a single mom.  I have learned to be independent in running a household.   The boys are growing into responsible young men.   We are doing really well!
I really, truly, am content where I am at this point.
It's not what I expected.... but it's a good life.

I'll be anxious to see what God has in store for us over the next seven years......

end of summer.

Ha.   Summer.   I vaguely remember it.   But it was fast.   Probably the fastest.  Ever.

Rewinding to the start of summer.... Recall that nifty screen time chart that I made?
That was a joke.
And... my goal to drop my last 30 pounds this summer?
Nonsense.   We had way too much fun.  I actually gained 7 pounds.   My "summer weight" as I call it.
And remember how I always rave about my summer sleep schedule?
Well...apparently I'm a grown up now!.... because I was up and moving by 7am most days and on my morning walk by 8am.   hm.


Please don't ask what we did this summer.... because I'm not really sure.   The days were full. There were lots of people.   A few day trips.   A few over night trips.    And everything was tied up nicely last week when we vacationed at Topsail Island with my family.  

We had a great week at the beach!    I think that everyone enjoyed their time together.   I really enjoyed the lack of agenda and being "unplugged" for several days.  I enjoyed watching the boys boogie board and not get eaten by sharks.

I liked being away from reality so much that I didn't want to come home.    Seriously.     I had to pep talk myself all the way home.    The best motivation that I could come up with was that "the cats will be glad to see us".
And they were.

This week is full of appointments and preparations for school.   The boys will be slumming off to 8th and 9th grade on Monday-- while I enjoy a couple of weeks before preschool starts.
As always I am starting to crave our school routine.  This year, mainly for a more predictable eating schedule.    But basically because we all function better on a schedule.

This time of year usually throws me for a curve.   With the start of school and work, as well as remembering Thayer's death anniversary and his birthday.   Everything kinda gets smashed in there together.

I was starting to feel anxious today.   With all of that stuff on my mind a new concern popped up.

 (Not sure if I have written about this before, but Mr. Q was diagnosed with cancer this past January.)   The vet told me a "few months".   I figured that he would be gone before we had our beach vacation.   I had pictured a summer to grieve the death of our cat.    Amazingly.... he's still here.
Just yesterday I realized that his tumor has grown.   And then it hit me that this fall might be our season to grieve.   I'm not prepared for that.   I'm not prepared for missing work, and school, to bury a cat.   I'm not prepared for this kind of thing to happen on top of everything else that this season brings.  Our schedule is too full to add death.
ha.  I sound so absurd.  Who's ever ready for death?

Though I have been praying that God will take Mr. Q sooner than later. (and that I won't have to make the decision).
Lucas is still wishing we could help Mr. Q.... and I have repeatedly explained that Mr. Q is dying.  

wow.   This is gonna be so hard.

whew.  deep breath.
We never know what tomorrow will bring.
I just hope we make it smoothly through the next few weeks.

38

I turned 38 this month.   It was a milestone for me.
For the past several years I had anticipated 38 to be a rough birthday.

Thayer died three days before his 38th birthday.

My birthday came and went.... and was actually one of the best birthday weeks I've had.

Two days before my 38th birthday I realized that I have lived longer than Thayer.  
The thought was not nearly as emotional and sad as I had anticipated.
There is a bit of pride in making it 38 years.   I somehow wonder if I'm nearly as mature as Thayer seemed to be in his last days?   Have I surpassed him in any way?


Thayer was always the one I counted on to take care of our family and make the decisions.   He always seemed knowledgeable and wise about stuff.   Mostly because he was seven years older than me and had learned a lot of life lessons.
I learned much from him.
And now I'm older.  

It's just odd.

Thayer had grown up in the midst of many trials, and yet my biggest trial was his death.   Thayer was never able to see me grow and mature through the trials of life.  

The first few years after his death, when confronted with life stuff, I could still hear his advice.... his common sense.   I knew what he would say in certain situations.  I based many of my decisions on his silent voice.
Well... that was until I was tired of having imaginary conversations with a dead husband, and would often say outloud, "Well... you're not here!"....
and I learned to be rather independent.  :)

But now... even if I search for his silent voice I rarely hear him.  I don't have a clue how he would handle teenagers, what he would do in certain situations, or what our family would be like.
How would he make decisions as a 44 year old?
Looks like it's up to me at this point.

I've always been sad that we couldn't grow old together.   And it's a bit depressing as I continue to age, and he remains the same...  Frozen in pictures and in our minds.  Always 37.

The rest of us continue to age, grow, mature.   I am very thankful for that opportunity.   I am thankful for the time with my boys, my family and friends.  
Each day is a truly a gift.  
I am hopeful that my 39th year will be the best yet!

limbo

The boys and I are coming away from SIX snow days off from school and one two hour delay.  
It's been fabulous.  Really fabulous.
Everything came to a STOP and there was no agenda.
It was a great taste of what summer may, or could, be about.   (How many days till summer break?)

We're back in business tomorrow.    Fun things ahead this week.
And the hint of another snowfall on Wednesday night makes me smile.

I've been thinking about Thayer this week.   A few events and conversations have brought him to mind, more than usual.   It's been bittersweet.    Good memories.  Yet still in disbelief that this year will mark seven years without him.    That's wild.  

I watched Cast Away with the boys the other night.   I'm pretty sure that Thayer and I had watched it together- way back when.   And I probably haven't seen it since then.    I knew the storyline and yet I cried through most of the ending.
 Really cried.
I felt especially torn when Tom Hanks' character returned home from the island after being gone for over four years.   His fiance and friends had "buried" him.... thought he was dead..... and moved forward.
 In only four years his fiance had been married and had a child.   She had started a completely new life.
It made me realize that Thayer has been gone for almost seven years and the kids and I, in some ways, have a completely new life.   But in other ways, I feel like we're stuck.

Yes, we are content.  And happy.  And ultimately the boys will grow up, move out and have their own lives.
But at this point I don't have any goals in life.   I feel like I'm kind of in limbo.
(and I really didn't start to think about this until I started typing.  I'm my own buzz kill)
What the heck am I going to do with my life?
I've got some ideas floating around in the back of my mind.  But nothing that I want to commit to at this point.

I guess that's not for me to figure out right now.

First things first.  
6:15am is going to come early tomorrow.
G'night!

goodbye summer. hello routine.

Wow.  Where have we been?!

The boys just started their third week of school!  

I went back to work last week, and my preschoolers came to their first day of Pre-K today.    It looks like lady Elaine and I have an awesome class this year!   

Rewind to Sunday August 17th.  
I received a phone call from my Brother-in-law, Thad, to say that he was IN TOWN and wanted to surprise my boys.    This was huge.    He showed up at 6:30am on Monday morning and woke them up for their first day of school!   A great surprise.

It turns out that Thad was in town for several days.    It seemed like it would be a long visit.... but it was over way too quickly.    The boys enjoyed some much needed time with their uncle.

  On  Wednesday Thad and I hiked back to the spot where we had scattered Thayer's ashes.    Great day, beautiful mountains.

That week, we also went out to eat with my family for (what would have been) Thayer's 44th birthday.   Not much pomp and circumstance this year.

At the end of the week we said our goodbyes to Thad and I delivered my kids to Comfort Zone Camp.
Daniel wasn't too keen on attending this year.... but by the time I picked them up on Sunday, both boys were ready to get signed up for next year's camp!    I am so thankful for CZC and the safe environment that they provide for kids like mine!!

While the boys were at camp, I enjoyed a great weekend catching up with my friends in Richmond.

Then.... it was back to reality for all three of us as we started back to school and work on the following Monday.

We are getting back into the routine of things.   And would you believe that my boys put themselves to bed by 9pm each night?!     And I'm not usually far behind.  
I've had some sweet dreams the last few weeks.

six years

Today marks the sixth year anniversary of Thayer's death.

 I really don't have anything profound to share today.    Our day went as planned.  The boys and I immersed ourselves in mindless television, a friend came to visit, the guitar guy came, and we attended the church cookout.

I think that sad anniversaries are only what you make of them.

This year I decided not to make it a big deal.   Even though, inside, I was struggling.   Every year the anticipation of certain days brings on an emotional and physical reaction.   I know that I just have to get through the day and then life continues as usual.  (kinda like meeting with my financial advisor)  haha ;)
 
No big deal in the grand scheme of things.

 It's not that the time has healed my grief.   Time just makes the grief more bearable.
 I think.  
The grief is certainly not as fresh as it was a few years ago.... but I know that whether it's been six years, or sixty, I will always remember what we had - and lost.

I haven't let my mind 'go there' today.
I have been very happy lately.   I don't want to put myself in that pit of active grief again.
Not yet.  
I haven't needed a good weepy cry.    The time between tears has grown over the years.    In fact, I can't remember the last time I that I have cried.     But I know that tears will come in time.  They usually do.

The boys are very unfazed by the talk of Thayer's death anniversary and upcoming birthday.  I have no idea what goes on in their tween/teen brains.  I don't push them.  I know that they will struggle in their own way, with missing their Dad, as they approach different milestones in life.   For now, they seem okay.   And I am thankful.

As always I am very thankful for my family and friends who have walked this grief journey with us.     God placed all the right people in our lives to help us survive these past six years.
We are truly blessed.

saturday

Tomorrow is Saturday.  Just another day.
 But that Saturday changed our lives forever.

Saturday.
 Just a day in the week.

There have been six years of Saturdays.

The first few months I dreaded Saturdays.  I would relive our last Saturday together.    I'd watch the clock at 6:10 or 6:20.  (which was it?)  And then again around 8.

I counted the days at first.  Then the weeks.  Then the months.
Now I have to count on my fingers to make sure I'm remembering the years that have past.

Six.

Six years of the calendar squares being crossed off.
 And it's back to Saturday again.

I felt it today.   As I've felt it approaching all week.
I wanted to shut down this afternoon.  Instead I took the kids to the skate park and rented a movie.

Tomorrow I will be off duty.   Please don't call.

Thankfully the cute guitar instructor will come break up our afternoon, and we have a church cookout tomorrow evening.

It'll be Saturday.  Just another day.

ugh

spoiler alert : whiny post.

 I just had a minor fit of panic.  For no particular reason.
I explained to the kids, again, for the  millionth time, that the house is a reflection of my mood.... or vice versa... I've never really figured that out.

But the real reason is that it's THAT time of year again.
The carefree summer is evaporating before my eyes.

 Reality bites.

The boys register for school on Wednesday.
Bedtimes and alarms will have to be set next week.    argh.
There are appointments and calls that I've put off all summer.
There's the yearly appoinment with my financial advisor... where there is nothing to show for how I've spent money... except a wider ass and spoiled children.

I have to wrap my mind around working at preschool again.   (someone asked me about my class yesterday... and I said "what class?)  :)

The worst part is that this transitional period is in the shadow of Thayer's death anniversary and his 'would-be' 44th birthday.

This week I'll be registering the kids, where the forms never fail to ask for parental information.
And every year.... those blank lines throw me a curve.   Do I leave it blank?  Do I write 'deceased'?  Do I give any explanation to teachers?
It sucks.

But every year I get through it.  And the boys get through it.
And in a few weeks I'll be very adamant about not throwing a Halloween party..... while I'm out shopping for prizes.

Such is the circle of a year.
My.  How time flies.

time flies

After our adventures of having Matthew in our home, our house became a
 "Bed and Make-your-own breakfast" destination.  
Our spring break was packed with overnight visitors.... dear friends who needed a place to stay and/or were just coming to visit.    We housed adults, a two year old, and an old dog.  
I LOVE having company! Yet my hostessing qualities are null at best.    
My overlapping guests found themselves entertaining each other over breakfast ...while I was still asleep!   We have THE best friends who were able to make themselves at home.  I love that.

Before I knew it, we were back to school and work with the realization that summer is just around the corner.   I have less than three weeks left at preschool.  And my boys will be home in early June.  I am ecstatic, to put it mildly.

The change in seasons and the anticipation of summer has revived many thoughts of Thayer.  
Don't misunderstand..... I DO think about him throughout the year... all of the time.
But it seems as though the warm weather, the yard work and the sunnier days bring Thayer to the forefront of my mind.

Today I watched my boys mow and trim the yard.   This will be the first year that both boys will cut the grass, unassisted.  
I am thrilled.  
 I was so proud to see Lucas handle a weed eater.
Boys and their machines.   They make it look so easy!
Thayer would be proud.

I took Daniel for a hair cut today.    His barber, Alison, mentioned that Daniel had grown, and that he looked like his Dad.   I was touched that she even remembered what Thayer looked like.    Her comment made my afternoon.


Tonight we watched The Book Thief.   All spoilers aside.... geez.
Let's just say that it got me thinking about the 'bigger picture'.    Lucas was upset that I even let him watch the movie.   I talked with him afterwards about how our lives are pretty much like books.   Each event shapes and molds us.   Some of us have longer books than others.   My prayer is that Lucas and Daniel have long books, with many chapters, and happy endings.    These first chapters are just a part of their story.

Time continues to fly by.   I need to slow down and enjoy the read.

Thanksgiving 1998

I am meant to clean my house today.  But I haven't gotten past my closet.
I am finally emptying out picture frames that have lost their honored place on the walls over the years.   Various family pictures, collages, etc.   I plan to make a few collage pictures for the boys as a Christmas gift.

High upon the closet shelf I stumbled into the Poem that Thayer gave to me on Thanksgiving of 1998.

To put things into perspective.... Thayer and I met just before Thanksgiving of 1997 while working at the Candle Factory.  We had our first date with my friends Jamie and Cathy, the night before thanksgiving.   (A trip to ice skate in Roanoke).     The next day, he joined my family for Thanksgiving dinner and within the year we were engaged to be married.
So... thanksgiving of 1998.  I was happily engaged and completely blown away when Thayer presented me with this poem.  It is chock full of interesting facts that no one will understand.
BUT a few of you will totally get some of this!  So... in memory of Thayer, 15 years later... I thought I'd share.  :)

Thanksgiving 1998

One year ago, much like today

started the love of my life, I do say.

Amid the candles, and a blueberry welcome, 

we sang to Roanoke in the back of a jeep.

Thanksgiving meal with the video to say, 

what each had done a year that day.

Taking pictures of all, documenting our lives, 

after deviled eggs and dipping in the chives.

Later it snowed, and we went sledding

Pepper with dingleberries collecting.

That first kiss at the bottom of the hill

staggering to me, dumbfounding to you, 

with a dozen red roses, saying no more.

Bringing the Colonel's Kentucky Fried chicken

bearing along finding Parkway picnickin.

Hiking and biking, seeing wonderous sights

overlooking the river on Holcolm Rock,

or dreaming of flying from Hang Glider Point.

With friends as together, climbing devil's marbles;

we enjoy even spartan times like gathering fall's colors.

Seeing the world what a tremendous time, 

we drove through dusty hot plains

with white birds biting buffalo butts, 

and over tall, snowy-cold mountains,

stopping to see canyons over the next ridge

at every turnoff on America's Great Divide,

where dogs pee on your tire.

Wait, but there's more, than slipping

down Virginia's waterways, or bouncing on tubes,

the five of us in the rain standing with awe, God's great glimmers.

Then there were the midnight trips to Walmart;

four-star camping; access denied and 

playing cards with no bathroom door,

don't forget hiking solitare by the falls.

Cars come and cowfish go; Puddles too everyone knows.

Newness is like comforters,

shower curtains and starting your car;

like glasses seeing afresh.

Swiftly following a Ryder truck a new home makes,

maybe a pioneering pastor, or a free watch.

In the end, but before Judgement Day, 

Merging arguments and mysterious histories, 

will all go away, like learning to drive

getting smoother with time

like jeep-mud running down the drain.

Farcical Ike, partying with rest, 

wearing archaic lavish garb bobbing with the best;

did I mention the chips and dip?

You nurture me to gregarious games, and love to be out

so I brought you biscuits while you scout.

And with the Lovelady's, a night on the town, 

Denver presents, Brazilian abundance renown.

We even tried our hand at communal living,

sharing too many too few, the bathrooms.

The wind at our backs and our eyes upwards,

we lotioned, swam and sun-in (ed),

walked in the moonlight, stayed up late,

slept in, not a care of responsibility

landing barefoot or sipping Daquiri's

while eating out, Calabash style.

Those of some of my greatest memories

Thankyou.

A rose for your grace, cheese with your whine,

and a beloved, Kenny the Bear.

5 years

The five year mark has come and gone.   And ya know what?   I made our lives so busy that I think I missed it.   
I didn't miss thinking about Thayer.  I didn't miss thinking about that night that changed our lives.  I didn't miss the thought that 'five years' has been a long time.   I didn't miss thinking about how so many people were impacted by his death.   I didn't miss contemplating, in detail, that fateful day.
But I did miss crying about it this year.

I knew that I was planning lots of activity so that I wouldn't sit at home and be sad.   But it appears that I planned SO much activity that I am exhausted!!

Prior to the death anniversary, we had Thayer's grandmother come to stay for eleven days.    It was nice to have her here and we enjoyed looking through all of my photo albums and remembering 'back then'.   The visit was nice, but also tiring for all of us.

Then, the boys and I spent a long day in c-ville visiting with our friends and catching up.   I love being up there with many of my favorite people.... especially those who knew, and loved, Thayer.

On the eve of the anniversary, we went camping with my family.   (Interesting how much I enjoy camping, yet we don't do it often enough).  We spent August 16th at the lake with my parents, my sisters and their families.     My parents had balloons for the kids to release in memory of Thayer.    

We returned home that night to spend time with family friends, (Thayer's bestie), who stayed with us for several days.   That weekend included a girl's night out with other 'out of town' friends and many fun filled moments with friends.

This past week, we jumped right into registration and school stuff and then hit the road for a long weekend in Williamsburg.   One last fling before reality hits.
We made it back to town just in time to gather with our lifegroup and pray for the kids and their upcoming school year.  

Laundry is brewing and I thought it would be a good idea to debrief a bit before I wipe our summer slate clean.
Tomorrow is the first day of school and work.

I'm actually looking forward to sending the boys away in the morning, regaining a sense of routine, and having some 'down' time in the afternoons.   I'm thinking it will be nice to have a vacation from the vacation.
Although I'm already missing my summer sleep schedule :(