15 years

Yesterday marked the 15th anniversary of Thayer's death.  The date mostly cruised past with just a few texts from friends, and my precious brother-in-law, remembering the date.  I somehow didn't even mention it to my boys until just a few minutes ago. (Sorry, guys.)   

For the past several years I keep referring to 2008 as a lifetime ago. 
It really was.

At work today, it occurred to me that I met one of the funeral directors for the first time, 15 years ago- this week!  Not that we would have remembered meeting..... I was completely in shock when he sat with me...and he has met hundreds of families over the years.  All I know is that he was the one who made the arrangements when Thayer died. 
And here I am, employed at the same funeral home that assisted our family 15 years ago.
What a weird circle of events.   

I walked my neighborhood yesterday and thought about how my life is completely not what I expected it would be, yet it's exactly how it's supposed to be.  
I don't try to think about what things would be like if Thayer were here.... because it would be impossible to piece together an imaginary future based on what Thayer and I had envisioned for our lives.  We ALL know that life never goes as planned, so we must continually find joy in our current circumstances.  
I am so appreciative of what God has done for me and the boys through the years, placing us right where we are supposed to be in 2023.
Blessings upon blessings.

Wish you were here, Thayer. ❤️

my confession

I haven't uttered these thoughts to anyone, but I've been wanting to share for days.

As I have testified, my current life is overflowing with blessings.   The past months have been so full!  New marriage, new-ish job, new house, new beginnings, etc. etc.    Not a day goes by that I don't thank God for his provisions. 

But here's the kicker, y'all! : For the past few months...at the end of the day.... I have been...unhappy.

I've known deep in my heart that my unhappiness is the fact that I have been slowly letting go of my grip on Jesus.     And my prayer for several months has been, "Lord... give me a desire for You."

You see...with all of the new, all of the excitement... My focus changed.  With so many blessings came so many distractions. 
My heart and mind know that Jesus HAS to be the focus.... but I shifted my eyes... just for a second.    And here I found myself with a Jesus sized hole in my heart and an aching for more.
So my simple prayer..... "Give me a desire for You.".

I wanted Jesus back.... but He felt out of arm's reach.  How foolish of me to let go.

 I reflect now about how many times I have blogged about being content.   Content in my circumstances.  Content in my waiting.
 I now know that I was content because I had a death grip on Jesus.  He was my intense focus.   When our eyes are on Jesus, there is joy in ALL circumstances. 

I was distracted by the blessings.... and my contentment dissipated.

I'm here to preach because I've finally witnessed this first hand:
There is no amount of husband, house, job, children, money, friends or family that can fill up your heart with joy and contentment the way that Jesus does.  

My simple prayer.... "Give me a desire for You".
God has been answering this prayer boldly this week.    Little things have shifted my focus and I've found that Jesus was right here, arms open.  It's kinda like falling in love with Him all over again, yet we're picking up right where we left off.

Lord, fix my eyes on you.

good gifts

I've been hesitant to write lately.

Things have been going swimmingly well.

 I don't want to jinx things.  
 

For over seven years I have typed about God's plan, my strong hope for a future,  and contentment.    I am secure in my knowledge that God has things planned out.   That life is good... and I can be happy in my circumstances.   And I am.
But I am always wondering, "what's next? What really IS God's plan for me?"

And now... when it looks like some of my prayers are being answered and perhaps there may be a chance of a fresh 'beginning'...... I freak out a little.

Things start going really well and I almost wait for the other shoe to drop.

I know... (and most days I remember)... that I need to accept every blessing as it comes.   I shouldn't question or doubt the blessing.    I just need to soak it up.  
God gives good gifts.    Why is it so hard for us to accept them sometimes?

The past few months have been really happy.   Heart swelling happy at times.   And honestly it's hard to believe that I deserve it.    Things were already going so well.  I was content.   Do I really deserve more?

Maybe.  Maybe not.    I guess time will tell.  
In the meantime, I need to keep reminding myself that God's plan is perfect.... and his timing is perfect.... and this day has happened for a reason.
Embrace it, Jill.

7 years

You have five minutes to wallow in delicious misery: enjoy it, embrace it, discard it.... and proceed. 

 Claire Colburn,

Elizabethtown

It's the seventh anniversary of Thayer's death.    I can't believe how I used to count the days.  This year I have had to count with my fingers, often, because I really wasn't sure of how many years had past.

Seven.

We had a great day.   Church, yard work, friends, organizing school supplies, dinner with my friends from high school, ice cream with Papa.
Full day.

It was last night that I had my meltdown.    

I will document this simply for the fact of documenting  and hopefully letting other widows know that they are not alone in the tidal wave that can still hit... even after seven years.

It all started with Mr. Q.   His cancer tumor has grown and the vet says that it's almost time for us to make those end of life decisions.    I cried over the fact that while we are remembering Thayer, his cat's life is coming to an end.  Seven years later.    

I cried over the impending loss of our cat.

Then I cried over the fact that it's been seven years.

Truth be told, we're not where I initially thought we'd be after seven years.

  I remember after Thayer died, I had a pretty little picture, in my head, that God would have me remarried within 2-3 years.... that the boys would have an amazing step dad who would love them as his own, and that they would have someone to call "Dad".

Well.  God obviously had different plans.

The story of Jacob and Rachel instantly came to mind.   Jacob worked for seven years in order to marry Rachel.   And then on the wedding night Laban bamboozled Jacob and sent in Leah!  What a disappointment.   Seven years of waiting.

I cried last night because I felt a bit bamboozled.     

It's been seven years. come on!  What's the plan, God?

I cried over the fact that I can certainly wait around for another husband, if that's on His agenda.  I'm totally cool with that.
But... God did not provide that "Dad" for my boys like I had hoped.    So many of their formative years have already passed.  
I cried because this year marks the year that both boys have been fatherless longer than they had a father.   That just sucks.

When I'm down, I find lots to wallow in.    I can become very disappointed when I even begin to think that God has forgotten us.

But I know the truth that everything is working together for good, in God's time.   I have to believe that.
Sometimes we just have to wait.

In the meantime lets not forget how much God has blessed us with over the past seven years.
The boys and I have been happy and healthy.     We have amazing family and friends.   I have become comfortable as a single mom.  I have learned to be independent in running a household.   The boys are growing into responsible young men.   We are doing really well!
I really, truly, am content where I am at this point.
It's not what I expected.... but it's a good life.

I'll be anxious to see what God has in store for us over the next seven years......

content discontentment

I have been reveling in snow day excitement.
Don't get me wrong... I enjoy my job.  But I enjoy not going to my job more.
I have an idealistic dream that I can one day become a stay at home mom again.   Ha.  Not that I can birth any more babies.  But it would be cool to stay home and be house wifey.   Perhaps my future sugar daddy can let me fulfill my dream.

I am not one that enjoys to stay at home for long periods of time.  I usually have to go somewhere every day. 
With the thought of impending snow, I had to gear up for this week.   For days prior to the snow, we ran around, went shopping, went to the skate park, and ate out.  I knew I had to get activity out of my system or I would completely melt down with cabin fever.

It's been one full day at home.  I survived.   And I accomplished nothing.
(Well, I did balance my checkbook, only to realize that we probably shouldn't have run around so much this week). ha.

Overall, It was nice to have a day 'off' from everything, but I find it difficult to be content with doing nothing.  It's hard to just be still.   I am so very content with being at home, but not necessarily content with being at home.  (If you know what I mean.)

I've been learning "rest" for almost a year.   It was my 'one word' from last year.  And I'm still learning.  A lot of it has to do with me learning to be content with non-action.
I'll have another opportunity to practice this tomorrow....
right after we shovel the driveway...

because,really,  I need to get outta here!