the destination

 I'm at the beach this week with a dear friend, for what she calls a "soul-cation".    An entire week away to focus on reading, praying, morning solitude, walking, and playing a few rounds of Bananagrams-by myself (while she works a puzzle) is something I've never done.... but I am IN for this.
This morning I decided to walk to the pier.   

See it?

The weather was perfect and the sand was packed, flat and ready for foot travel.   I headed off at a steady pace and the pier became closer and closer in matter of minutes.  It wasn't nearly as far away as I had anticipated.   No problem, I'd be back to my beach chair before I knew it!

Gradually the sand became softer and mushier and each step started to require a little more effort.   The shore began to slope towards the sea and each step became a chore as I had to climb up and around to avoid a group of fisherman.   My legs were starting to talk, waking muscles that hadn't been used in a while.  Should I maybe just call it a day and head back?

But I could see that pier!.... it was my goal.  I honestly had nothing else to do today.   I reminded myself, "sometimes we do hard things".  I even had the thought that "If Jesus could suffer for me..... I can certainly put in a little effort to walk to a pier."    Come on, Jill.... make it happen!

I dug my feet in with each step and pushed myself to get to those pilings.   I actually counted the last 50 steps or so, feeling as if I was crossing a finish line of sorts.
I stood under the pier for a brief moment, hands on my hips, anticipating a moment of inspiration.  I'm learning to look for God in these kinds of moments.... what does he want to teach me through something as simple as a morning walk?  

I looked out at the weathered wood pilings and happened to look up at the underside of the pier.   To my surprise I saw birds!   There were SO many birds nestled along the boards under the pier.  They looked oddly wind beaten and worn out.  I suppose they were taking a break and finding refuge from the wind under the sturdy deck boards.   Which reminded me of how that pier was designed to be a strong pillar 

in a rather unpredictable sea.  It was a source of protection and a place for birds to find rest.

Yup, there it was- the inspiration.

God is our refuge.  Our safe place.  When we are heavy and travel weary..... God is there.   When life's journey is unexpected and harder than we anticipated..... God's promises never fail.   When we are tired and needing rest..... God's character is unchanging.   In the same way the birds cling to the pier for solace.... we must cling to God for peace.  He is sturdy, our rock, our protector. 

Psalm 46:1-3
God is our refuge and strength, a very present help in trouble.  Therefore we will not fear though the earth gives way, though the mountains be moved into the heart of the sea, though its waters roar and foam, though the mountains tremble at it's swelling.

And..... it turns out that that the pier was only 1.3 miles from my starting location on the beach. (2.6 round trip).
Such a struggle of a walk, which I thought was taking away my day, took 45 minutes.   I made it back in time for lunch and reading.
Sometimes we need to do hard things to realize that they weren't so hard after all.  

Psalm 118:14

The Lord is my strength and my song; He has given me victory.     :)

Isaiah 40:31
But those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength.  They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not be weary, they will walk and not be faint.

details

Spending more time in solitude and prayer has led me to think about leaves an awful lot.   I've always been intrigued by leaves.... in a similar way that I'm intrigued by the ocean.   The vastness and magnitude of the ocean water, held in place by God's design is something to marvel.   
But how about those tiny leaves?!.. trillions of them...Each one part of an intricate vascular plant.  They form, grow and live for a season- knowing the exact moment to release for the fall.   We often take these tiny details of nature for granted.    But boy oh boy, the God of the ocean is the same God of the leaves.  Let us not forget that He lives in the smallest details.

I've found so much peace knowing that God is in the details.   There is clearly a big picture at play here.... the big wins, the big losses, the joy of new and the mourning of old.      

The big moments shape our perspective and we should be thankful for what we learn.   
For instance, the tragic loss of Thayer taught me that "things could always be worse"..... that the small stuff in life is minor.   
Many things are cyclical, just like the presence of the leaves.   
"This too shall pass" comes to my mind often.   
Not many things compare to losing a young spouse, and I have been given a unique perspective that should keep me grounded.  

But ya know.... life happens.

A few weeks ago I had a weird toe infection.   I cringe as I type that.   It didn't have anything to do with my toenail....so I wasn't sure if I had a minor cut or an insect bite that went awry.  

Anyway, I was so grossed out by it.   For the first few days I was convinced that I would probably need to seek medical treatment.  But surprisingly, it started to heal and I raved and raved and raved about how God designed our bodies so perfectly, to fight infection and to heal.     

The VERY same day that I'm praising God for his healing design..... I tweaked my back while cutting flowers in my yard. 
Are you kidding me?!    I was distraught.  I was so fearful that one more incorrect move would rend me immobile, as I had been in the past.   Although I knew that "this too shall pass" I was freaked out and became super whiny.   

How quickly I forgot.

I don't want to forget that the God of the ocean and the leaves also cares for me, and you!   He's not only showing up during the big moments in our lives..... but in the smallest simplest moments as well.

I'm reminded of Matthew 10:29-31 "Are not two sparrows sold for a penny? Yet not one of them will fall to the ground outside your Father's care.  And even the very hairs on your head are all numbered.  So don't be afraid; you are worth more than many sparrows."

God is in our details.  We need to trust him with ALL of it.

15 years

Yesterday marked the 15th anniversary of Thayer's death.  The date mostly cruised past with just a few texts from friends, and my precious brother-in-law, remembering the date.  I somehow didn't even mention it to my boys until just a few minutes ago. (Sorry, guys.)   

For the past several years I keep referring to 2008 as a lifetime ago. 
It really was.

At work today, it occurred to me that I met one of the funeral directors for the first time, 15 years ago- this week!  Not that we would have remembered meeting..... I was completely in shock when he sat with me...and he has met hundreds of families over the years.  All I know is that he was the one who made the arrangements when Thayer died. 
And here I am, employed at the same funeral home that assisted our family 15 years ago.
What a weird circle of events.   

I walked my neighborhood yesterday and thought about how my life is completely not what I expected it would be, yet it's exactly how it's supposed to be.  
I don't try to think about what things would be like if Thayer were here.... because it would be impossible to piece together an imaginary future based on what Thayer and I had envisioned for our lives.  We ALL know that life never goes as planned, so we must continually find joy in our current circumstances.  
I am so appreciative of what God has done for me and the boys through the years, placing us right where we are supposed to be in 2023.
Blessings upon blessings.

Wish you were here, Thayer. ❤️

marriage

I have a young friend who is getting married on Saturday to a guy she has known for about four months.  I think she has probably gotten some shade thrown her way because of the short timeline.  I must admit my initial reaction was surprise. 
Ultimately, who can pass judgement on someone else's timeline?   
I hear her talk about the prayer, counsel and support they are receiving from family.... and I hear her talk about her fiancé.... about how he supports her, encourages her, prays with her.  They have had the big talks about life and their future plans.  
They are already miles ahead of the people who sign up for that Married at First Sight TV series. :)   The odds are probably in their favor, and I can bet they'll be married longer than most folks these days.  I'm happy, hopeful, and excited, for them as they start this new life together.    Congrats, you two!

I think back to when I was first married, at age 21.  Waaaay back, when getting married young was cool.  I had two babies by the age of 25.  I'm sure some people thought we were too inexperienced to raise kids.  We grew our family, rode the ups and downs of marriage, and made plans for our future.
Nine years later I found myself suddenly widowed, raising two boys. 
I had taken so much for granted, assuming that we'd be together until we were old and gray. My forever with Thayer didn't happen.  My plans, my timeline were all destroyed.

BUT....  The important thing here is that God knew the timeline. God knew that Thayer would be taken from us at the age of 37.   God knew I'd be a widow at age 31.  God had us marry and have those kids at the perfect time. It may have seemed too quick for us to have kids but God knew.   I am so thankful for the time we had as a family.

Fast forward nine years and I was blessed with a new husband at the age of 40.   Two husbands in one lifetime was something I had never considered.  

But God. 
He knew the timing.

Greg and I just celebrated our 6th wedding anniversary.❤️ It's true that time flies as you get older!
 As I sit here thinking about taking my time with Thayer for granted I am convicted that I tend to do the same with Greg.   I should know better!!  We fall into our routines and lose sight of just how much a blessing it is to have another person in our corner, someone to live alongside.   
I know, all too well, how quickly that can change.   
I'm so thankful for my second opportunity at this thing called marriage.   Life doesn't always turn out the way we planned, but God's plan is perfect. 
God's timing is always perfect.
Greg, I love and appreciate you!  I'm praying we'll be together until I'm old and gray. ;) I look forward to many adventures with you!  Let's make the most of our time together. 💕

Ecclesiastes 3:1-11 NIV

There is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under the heavens: a time to be born and a time to die, a time to plant and a time to uproot, a time to kill and a time to heal, a time to tear down and a time to build, a time to weep and a time to laugh, a time to mourn and a time to dance, a time to scatter stones and a time to gather them, a time to embrace and a time to refrain from embracing, a time to search and a time to give up, a time to keep and a time to throw away, a time to tear and a time to mend, a time to be silent and a time to speak, a time to love and a time to hate, a time for war and a time for peace. What do workers gain from their toil? I have seen the burden God has laid on the human race. He has made everything beautiful in its time. He has also set eternity in the human heart; yet no one can fathom what God has done from beginning to end.

input

Lots and lots of podcasts.   I listen to a podcast every morning as I am getting ready for my day.  I  listen to a podcast when I take my daily walk.  I listen to a podcast as I clean the house or do yardwork. I have a carefully curated set that I listen to each week.   

I love listening to podcasts, which is why I was taken aback when God recently said, 

"Stop.     Listen to me".   

I started a study on Spiritual Disciplines and quickly realized that my weekly routine does not easily incorporate time for Solitude.

I, like most people, have learned to drown myself in podcasts, television, music, YouTube, and social media.  There seems to be constant input, all of the time, everywhere.   
We are berated with some sort of input everywhere we go - music in stores, televisions in restaurants, commercials at the gas pump. 
These inputs are not necessarily bad in themselves but they can easily become a distraction from the most important input of all.... God's voice.

I just finished reading The Screwtape Letters by C.S. Lewis where Screwtape was mentoring Wormwood on ways to win souls for the devil.   He talked at length about how simple it is to distract souls.....very small distractions, just enough to separate a soul from God.

Let's just say that the demons must be celebrating as of late.   We are a society of distractions.  

I want to turn the tide.  I refuse to let the demons have their talons in me.

I've been inspired to spend more time in solitude, anticipating God's perfect input.
I'm listening, Lord.

Matthew 13:9
He who has ears, let him hear.

                                       

visiting

After months of anticipation we made it over the pond to see Lucas!!  Here's a rundown of our days:

England trip to see Lucas, 2023

Lucas met us when we landed, and navigated our public transport for the entire trip. He was a great host 🙂 I am SO proud of Lucas for making a home for himself, and being so comfortable, in a foreign land. My heart was so happy to see him.

Tuesday, July 25: Arrived at LHR 10am-ish.  Hotel, McDs for lunch, nap, Camden Market, Japanese-from the market for dinner, gelato

Wednesday, July 26: Rada for breakfast, London Bridge, Borough Market (Humble Crumble), Kensington Palace, Soho, Chinatown, BBQ dinner at Bodeans, Les Miserables. (Seeing my all-time favorite musical in London was surreal. I loved every moment!) side note: upon leaving the play was the only rain we had during the trip. So thankful God blessed us with lovely weather!

 

Thursday, July 27: Coffee shop, lunch at Five Guys, train to Lucas’ house, Lucas and Jill to base for groceries, Japanese for dinner in Lakenheath, watched Fight Club

Friday, July 28: Slept in, train to Cambridge, walked around, lunch at Subway, circled Jesus College, Cambridge Botanical Gardens (beautiful place!!), Pizza Hut on base for dinner, watched Moon Knight on Disney+

Saturday, July 29: Slept in, went to Lakenheath base, did laundry, went to Mildenhall base, early dinner at Amigos in Bury St. Edmunds, watched Moon Knight. (Amigos is "voted best Mexican food in the UK".... and it was fantastic.)

Sunday, July 30:  Slept in, watched Moon Knight and Young Sheldon, went by base, dinner at the Bull Inn in Mildenhall (fish and chips, sticky toffee pudding)  Watched The Terminal.  Watched WandaVision

Monday, July 31: Train to Norwich (we really liked Norwich), chicken lunch at Nandos, walked around Norwich castle (it was closed for construction),  Played mini golf at Putt Putt Noodle, Icees and bubble tea at mall,  Pizza at Zizzi for dinner, train back to Lucas’, packed and watched Young Sheldon

Tuesday August 1:

Up at 4:15am, Left Lucas’ house at 5am, Breakfast at McDs,  Train to London, Underground to LHR, Flight out at 12:15pm,  Arrived in Charlotte 4ish EST.  Arrived in Lynchburg@ 9:45pm Total travel time from door to door= 23 hours.

Greg survived his first overseas adventure!  :)

Additional thoughts about the UK: -London was almost identical to New York City. I'm NOT a big city person, so I wouldn't need to go there again.

-A very diverse population. It was neat to see, and hear, so many cultures being represented.

-The food was underwhelming. Greg missed sugary drinks (there is apparently a sugar tax in England so things tasted "off".) We were surprised to see Five Guys, McDs, KFC, Pizza Hut and Subway were on every block.

BUT.... -There were very few obese people. (due to the fact that things seem "healthier" AND the fact that people WALK everywhere. The obese people, myself included, were clearly from America.

-Paper straws. everywhere. Can you feel the cringe? Aspects of society were very "environmentally friendly".

- America could do some catching up.... but not with the straws, please.

combating isolation

Isolation is destroying our society.   I've said it before.... but I am constantly reminded about how much we all need community and how our society is moving farther and farther away from connection.

Greg and I went to see A Man Called Otto* the other night.   It was a poignant representation of what isolation can do to someone; and also a phenomenal picture of how being involved in a community is life-altering.   
There was a scene in the movie where someone was in a life-or-death situation and the entire crowd of bystanders were preoccupied capturing the scene on their phones, and neglected to help.   It's all too familiar.... how often do we miss the obvious needs, right in front of us, because we're looking down at our devices?
Satan is using our cultural "norms" to distract us and isolate us..... to put us right where he wants us.... disconnected from God and others.

Hebrews 10:24-25 says "Let us think of ways to motivate one another to acts of love and good works.  And let us not neglect our meeting together, as some people do, but encourage one another, especially now that the day of his return is drawing near."

I am so thankful that God has placed me in community with so many wonderful people over the years.  Just the right people at just the right time - SO much encouragement.

Hear me out....God doesn't necessarily toss people into our lap, but he certainly seems to nudge us in the right direction. When I feel His push, I tend to roll with it and see what plays out. I have had to search out people and be intentional in creating community around me. It might involve stepping out of my comfort zone or initiating awkward conversation.... but I feel that my effort has always been worthwhile and that God orchestrates lovely outcomes.

Most recently, God had given me a nudge to start a Bible Study, in my home, last fall.  There were some hiccups along the way, but I've seen God knit together a new little group of gals that are willing to get together to grow in faith and friendship.   I love that somehow God encouraged these ladies to say "YES", to step out of their comfort zones, and get connected.  I feel that there is something powerful in our gathering..... like we are combating isolation one Tuesday evening at a time.  I'm thankful for a new opportunity to encourage one another.

I would like to encourage you, whoever you are, wherever you are, to actively seek out people.   
People need people. 
 Let's stick it to "the man" and get connected in fresh new ways.  Put down our phones and really talk to each other. 
Isolation sucks.

*I highly recommend this movie, but would like to put out a gentle disclaimer that there are several depictions of suicide attempts.

a case for minimalism

Books. 
I attempted to help my dear friend with some tasks, of cleaning out her parent's house, the other day.  She's done SO much/all, of the work.   Trips to town, countless trips to Goodwill, arranging for folks to come and get furniture, taking items back to her home, sorting through the paperwork, doing ALL of the things required when there is a death.

I was simply supposed to help her pack up books, and get them out of the house.   I did what I could but then excused myself.   
The books.  They were overwhelming.   
Here's the kicker though..... her parents didn't have that many books!..... it should have been a breeze.  But the process of removing them from the house seemed to set off anxiety in me. It made me reconsider everything that I'm saving for another day.   
What if my "another day" doesn't come? 
What will I leave behind for my own kids to have to get rid of in a pinch?    The things that mean something to me, most likely will mean zero to my kids.   They'll be in the position of throwing away or donating my material possessions.   
Will my boys have to travel back home, take off of work, and miss time with their families to deal with the contents of my house?   
I know the answer is YES, that is the reality.... and  it will be the reality, as it is with all families at the end of a life.   

I guess I keep thinking, why burden my kids with that task?  Maybe it's stuff I could downsize along the way to make that load a little lighter when I'm gone.  

I think of my boss, from years ago, that went to clean out her mother's apartment and noted that everything she kept of her mother's fit nicely into a shoe box.   
That's the truth of it.   We can't take it with us when we go, so why collect so much over the years?  It's just stuff that someone else will have to deal with.

The idea of minimalism is basically to own items that are pertinent and useful in a current stage of life, in the NOW.   The storing of old items, from past hobbies, or the hoarding of items that could be useful doesn't really make sense.   The more I witness the stages of life, I'm convinced that it's important to always focus on what's useful in the NOW, not in the past or the future.    Does a particular item bring value to my life TODAY?  If not, I should consider getting rid of it, or passing it along to someone who can use it.  
I'll be downsizing my book collection soon.....

Yet true godliness with contentment is itself great wealth. After all, we brought nothing with us when we came into the world, and we can't take anything with us when we leave it.  So if we have enough food and clothing, let us be content.

1 Timothy 6:6-8 NLT

faithfully

I opened a notebook yesterday and saw where I had scribbled "Faithfully by TobyMac" on the front page.  I vaguely remember writing those words several weeks ago.... or was it months?    I wasn't sure why I had written it.
I just went on a Google journey and have found the profound story behind the song.  

I was aware that the singer/songwriter TobyMac had lost his 21 year old son to an accidental drug overdose back in 2019, and that many of his recent songs have been inspired by his grief journey.    I think I've only heard the song "Faithfully" a handful of times since the new album "Life After Death" was released on August 19, 2022  (coincidentally Thayer's birthday).   TobyMac has since been featured in several articles and interviews where he reflects on his grief and songwriting.

I appreciate the art that has transpired from the tragedy.   The most encouraging aspect is that TobyMac chose to stick with his faith, and is journeying through the loss with Jesus at his side. 

That's the best part of knowing Jesus..... He meets you wherever you are:  The highest mountaintops or the deepest, darkest pits.
Jesus met me in my living room each night after Thayer died.  I would put the boys to bed and I would spend hours crying, talking, and singing to Jesus.  He's been there the whole time.   I am so thankful.

The Lyrics of Faithfully really vibe with me. 
If you're in an impossible situation remember that God is there, with you, always.

Lyrics: It’s been a long year; it almost took me down I swear Life was so good, I’m not so sure we knew what we had I’ll never be the same man, I’ll never feel like I felt before It’s been a hard year, it almost took me down But when we my world broke into pieces You were there faithfully When I cried out to you Jesus You made a way for me I may never be the same man But I’m a man who still believes When I cried out to you Jesus You were there faithfully I’ve had a hard time, finding the blue in the skies above me And if I’m keeping it real, I’ve been half fakin’ the happy they see I may look like the same man, but I’m half the man I was It’s been a hard year it almost took me down In my darkest hour, You met me So quietly, so gently You said You’d never leave, and You stood by Your word So quietly, so gently And all my pain, You met me You said You’ll never leave, and You stood by Your word

beautiful mess

Can we just take a moment to appreciate the utter chaos that's recorded in the Bible?
I've started reading chronologically, again this year, and I seem to catch something new each go-round.  Two years ago, I was completely off put when I fully read, and comprehended how Jacob got all of his children:   Two wives, jealousy, servants, trading of fertility plants, manipulation.   I was so taken back by the soap opera that I had to make a list of how it all went down.  (and pity the fools who messed with Dinah!  omgoodness)
Last year... I was creeped out to learn more about Lot and his sneaky daughters.   ick.
This year.... Tamar.    Good 'ol Tamar...widowed and passed down through brothers, ultimately posing as a prostitute to sleep with her father-in-law.    
I haven't even gotten to David and Bathsheba yet. 
geez.
What a mess. 

But the wonderful thing about the Bible is that it is a beautiful love story.   The Bible shows us how God can take sinful, foolish people and bring new life.   Those deviant people in the Bible were all in the lineage of Jesus.   God worked through the muck, made wholeness from the broken, and brought our Savior into the World.   

Never doubt for a moment that He can't take us out of the mire and redeem our  own stories. 
What will your next chapter look like?   Turn the page and expect Him to work this year.

He lifted me out of the slimy pit, out of the mud and mire; he set my feet on a rock and gave me a firm place to stand.  He put a new song in my mouth, a hymn of praise to our God.  Many will see and fear the Lord and put their trust in him.

Psalm 40:2-3

this year

Glancing back at my posts from 2022.... it feels like I'm in the flow of empty nesting.   I have found my groove of working super part time, being a home maker, and being in community with others.    When I think about the year, I think I have learned to slow down, a lot.   
There are days when I stay at home all day- and it's not extremely torturous anymore. 
(However one full day at home is my limit! Get me out there with my people!)

I'm keenly aware that 2022 was a TOUGH year for many.   And I'm even more keenly aware that 2023 will probably not go as smoothly for me as last year.   I'm already anticipating some bumps in the road and I'm prayerful that God will keep us secure in His plans over the months to come.   I am always so thankful for God's provision in all circumstances.

I listened to a wonky podcast today.   Some guy was basically saying that the habits and "how-tos" of life that we adhere to are complete junk.  He said that if we are looking for something significant, lasting and real.... that there are no "how-tos" that work.   

His example was that there are millions of books written about happiness, money, peace, relationships.... and if the books actually worked.... why are there millions of them?! 
He goes on to say that "there should have just been one book and it would have worked'.   

And my thought..... THERE IS ONE BOOK THAT WORKS!     This guy totally missed it.  He misses ALL of it. 

He also said that the "most futile thing on earth is to try to convince someone."
I wish I could convince folks that the Bible IS the only way.   The Bible is packed with all of the "how tos" in life.  How to find joy, how to treat others, how to manage your money, how to find peace.  It's the best "self help" book on the market.

I've watched a few folks really struggle this year..... and I keep thinking "they need Jesus".   Jesus is the only way to find contentment in the normalcy, and peace in the turbulence;  yet so many people completely miss Him.   It so often feels futile trying to convince others.... so I pray that God will do the convincing and bring people to Him.   
At the same time, I pray that God will use me this year, that he will mold me to be more vocal about my faith.    I want to absorb the Word more this year and be more confident in my ability to talk about the hope I have in Christ.  
Lord willing, I can grow my faith and be a light to others.

Your word is a lamp for my feet, a light on my path. 
Psalm 119:105

Stand at the crossroads and look; ask for the ancient paths, ask where the good way is, and walk in it, and you will find rest for your souls.
Jeremiah 6:16