a decade

everyone else seems to be buzzing about the new year, the past year, and the past decade. So I thought I'd jump on the wagon....

I feel like I've lived a lifetime in the past decade.
Marriage.
cat.
two kids.
5 houses.
stay at home mom.
2 jobs.
death of husband.
single mom.

and those are just the biggies.
all of that jam packed in with all of the other little stressors of life. So much can happen in just a short amount of time.

I was super encouraged by a friend this week who stopped by for a visit. Her story has always brought me hope. She is such a cool gal and I've watched from the distance as God has worked a beautiful plan for her life. In a matter of years, she endured a divorce, a move, a new job... all while being a single mother to three young boys. She remarried about a year and a half ago. And when she showed up at my door the other day.... she is pregnant!!! :-)
I'm sure that 10 years ago she never ever imagined that she would be where she is today. I am SO happy for her!
And she is proof that ALOT can happen in 10 years.

No telling what the next 10 years will look like for the boys and I.
The last 10 years have been a wild ride.
One of our favorite sayings in our house is "never say never".... because anything can happen.
So I guess we better fasten our seatbelts and hold on tight!

Christmas update

(Okay. So I'm probably long overdue for a blog post. I usually have composed a bit of my thoughts prior to typing them... but I've got nothing this time. Let's see how I can recap the last few days.)

Christmas came and went. And I am so glad that it went.
I have learned that Christmas can be a very lonely time.

(We enjoyed quite a bit of snow prior to Christmas. L had a sledding accident that sliced his face open and required ten stitches. But all is well now.)

We had a great road trip down to see Thayer's family.
It's just an odd thing being there,without Thayer. All the cousins and their wives sitting around and being splendidly happy with each other. And then there's me.
And no mention of Thayer... except when I briefly brought up the subject of his absense with his Granny. I know it's painful for her to think about everyone that she misses but I didn't want the holiday to go by without mention of our mutual loss.

At times I feel SO selfish for being lonely at these times. For goodness sakes, I've got my kids, and family, and friends that are constantly around me.
And there I was, in the house of a lonely widowed 87 year old who has endured the death of a daugher, a husband and a grandson. What right do I have to feel sorry for myself?
But I do.

Upon returning home I was blessed to have friends stay at our house over Christmas. My lovely friend,Cathy, her husband and their beautiful new baby came to stay for a few days. (I wish they would have stayed longer!) I really enjoyed their company.

Christmas day was the usual. Brunch at my sister's house and dinner at my Aunt's house. And I was blessed with a nap in between. nice.

I have been fortunate to have been busy over the past week. But the Christmas routines were laced with thoughts of Thayer. I held myself together pretty well but many aspects of our Christmas celebrations were very difficult for me. Many nights, I have cried myself to sleep.

To top off my great mood, there was a speaker at church on Sunday that reminded me of the obvious. He restated the fact that your 'heart' is reflected in your immediate response to a situation. That truth is always so convicting to me.
I am reminded that I am a dirty, angry person.
The tragic thing is... my heart is always revealed to my kids. They get to see the real me. When I get pushed, my heart reaction is to curse or yell. Ugly, just ugly.
Makes me wonder why Jesus sticks around with me. I am so undeserving of His love. I guess that's what makes Grace so amazing. :-) REALLY amazing.
I need to stop crowding my heart with other stuff and make more room for Jesus to do his work...

anywho.

We watched Bridge to Terabithia last night. I got in another good cry while L laughed at me and questioned what was wrong with me.
I don't think that either boy wants to admit that they are sad too.

perhaps there is alot wrong with me.
and I'm not typing this stuff to evoke pity.

I'm just sayin'.

no longer "room mom" material

I'm grumpy tonight.
Perhaps I'm just tired from my awesome trip to the Andrew Peterson concert. It was lovely and I had a great time with my friend Donna. I love getting away and having road trips... but I find that re-entry to normal life is usually tough.

Immediately upon my return this evening I was greeted with an email from L's teacher...requesting 85 juice boxes for tomorrow's school party. (which is fine...)
But- The last activity that I did before I left town was make dough ornaments for the same class...on short notice.
anywho. I packed up the kids this evening and headed to Walmart.
Easy enough. Grab juice boxes and a few ingredients for a potluck on Saturday and I'd feel accomplished.
Little did I remember- that when there is even a slight whisper of snow in the forecast that the entire metropolitan area must go to the grocery store to stock up on milk, eggs and canned goods. Oh, and while you're there... finish your Christmas shopping too because we might be snowed in for the rest of the week.
uh-huh.

Stood in the check-out line for 35 minutes.

Meanwhile, Daniel mentions that when I sent extra party money to his teacher, her response was, "I thought your mom was going to use this" (as in... I was probably supposed to buy party food)
Sure. Let me know this LAST week and I'd make sure I had things in order before I left town.
I must have missed the memo.

so. here is my conclusion. I am no longer suitable for room mom. Much less 'grade level' mom.
I can remember when I'd be super excited to help out, and go out of my way to organize things.
But as a single mom, this just ain't happening.
If I'm required to run specific errands or organize something, I need a plan... some notice... some warning.

My foul mood could all be related to my growing dislike of the commercialization of Christmas.
Bah-humbug!

quick rant

okay. So I've prided myself in keeping Christmas really simple this year. The bare minimum and nothing more. I'm done with gift buying but I have a few cards to send to out of state relatives. and then that's it.

I picked up several gift cards today in order to finish my shopping list. My regular ol' ink pen didn't write so well on the shiny surface of the little gift card sleeve so I wrote some names with my nifty scrapbooking pen. Imagine my horror, several minutes later-mind you, when I insert the gift cards and then notice the ink smeared all over the sleeves.
Irritation!!!!
I can now picture my afternoon tomorrow as I revisit the restaurants to retrieve new little sleeves.
And just when I think I've got it all together....
I've turned into just another headless chicken.

pulling myself together

alrighty. so the past two days have been better. I am slowly pulling myself out of the pit.
And it helps, of course, that family and friends have been keeping me happily occupied with other things.
This coming week is packed with things to do so I should continue on my upward climb.
I've got church, shopping, movie, lunch date, play date, a road trip and a concert to look forward to over the next few days.
yay!

here goes. let me try to sort a few things out.

I have been really down and out the past few days. Feeling fresh back into my grief for Thayer. Feeling SO lonely and really missing him. I've had moments of anxiety that I haven't felt in a long time.
Alot of this could be seasonal blues. I hear that the holidays can be especially hard on single parents and recently widowed people. No doubt.

My unpaid therapist, Elaine, mentioned that it might have something to do with my recent break-up.
who would have thunk?
This is what came up briefly in our mini morning session:
I am having to adjust to being alone again. Before boyfriend, I had dealt well with my singleness and I was adjusting pretty well to being alone. Then... I was spoiled by having company and being happily distracted. It was great to know that I could love again. Fun times.
And now, well, back to square one.
I am being thrown back into solitude again.

I am faced with my irritation that this is not how it's supposed to be!
I've been frustrated with Thayer... because if he was here, I wouldn't have to worry about dating and break-ups and being alone. There have been lot of moments when I think, "I wish Thayer were here to talk through this with me... but if he WERE here... I wouldn't HAVE these troubles!"

The past few days, I've felt guilty for being "down". If I had my priorities straight, I would be content at where I am, Who I am.
But honestly, I'm not content right now. Is it so wrong that I long for companionship?
I'm torn when I think about God saying, "It is not good for man to be alone"(gen 2:18) and then, in 1 Corinthians, Paul talks about the benefits of being single! (but he also encourages widows to marry if they can't control themselves) hehe.
So... what's it supposed to be?!

I know that ultimately I need to find contentment in my singleness, so that's what I'm praying for.

Sadly, the prayers don't make this season any easier. I'm still lonely and Christmas music still makes me cry.
But this too shall pass.

To quote a very wise blogger :
"please don't interpret these words as a plea for pity.... My blog is my Public Brain, and sometimes peeking in here is a little dark and spooky. But it's how I process a lot of things, and in some weird way it helps me cope with how I'm feeling right now".

All of this to say... Dad, I'll be okay! ;)

They told me not to....

yep. After Thayer died, I was instructed by countless people that I should not watch the movie P.S. I Love You.
So of course when I ran across it at Blockbuster today, I HAD to rent it.
I knew that it would be a "crying movie" so I was prepared with my box of tissues.
And yes, I just cried for the last 127 minutes. And not just a few tears... I'm talking burning cheeks and loud weeping.
It was a great movie.

I must admit that I was a little jealous of the fact that the main character, Holly, was able to lose herself in her grief for a while. She was able to lock herself up in her apartment, make a huge mess, wear her husband's clothes and sing sad movie songs.
I never had that luxury to completely shut off.
(well... those of you who see me on a daily basis would probably say that I was "shut off" for much of last year) :)
But really... after Thayer died, I still had to get up in the mornings and tend to the kids. There wasn't much opportunity to sit around and be pathetic. And in SO many ways, I am thankful for my boys because they give me reason to keep going.

I am super thankful for all of the happy distractions I have had over the past year. There have been days and months where I haven't felt the least bit sad. I've experienced great joy and excitement. I've got great hope for my future!

But there are also times when I get tired of holding it together. And I want to be able to tell myself that it's okay if I cry in random places at random times. I'm not super woman... and it's hard trying to be.

I can relate to Holly when she says, "this wonderful man happens to me and then he died. What was the point? I'm alone, and it doesn't matter what job I have or what I do, or what I don't do, or what friends I have, he's not here. I mean you're alone no matter what".

But, in response, Holly's mother says, "alone or not.. you gotta walk ahead.”

So. yep. That's what I'm gonna do.

music of choice

I caught a bit of some "cops" show on tv the other night. The "accused" people and the cops kept using the term "drug of choice". I thought that phrase was a bit odd...especially the way they kept saying it. It almost made their "choice" of herion or crack seem normal.

And... this post is probably completely unrelated to that show... except when I started to type, I instantly thought that "music of choice" could somehow have the same effects as a "drug of choice". hmmm..

anywho. here goes.

I know that I have blogged about my thoughts on music before... but I seem to need to remind myself once in a while.
Like many folks, I tend to dip my ears into Christian music as well as some tame secular stuff.
I spent a short time in the "top 40" music recently... but that wore off pretty quickly. Most of that stuff is just litter for the brain.

Here is what I see every time I wade in secular music for too long:
I notice that I am listening to, and singing about, totally unimportant things! After a while, songs become way too sad (especially after being dumped by your boysfriend) or the lyrics slowly seep in and distort the Truth.

I've even been pretty down about the secular Christmas music! (and I've never even termed Christmas music as secular until now)
If you notice the lyrics... they are all about "all I want for Christmas is..", "please come home for Christmas", "Blue Christmas", "White Christmas", "Last Christmas..."
SO many songs about "what I want and what I miss and what I need to have". How freakin' selfish.

Then, what a breath of fresh air when I switch to an uplifting radio station or a decent CD.
Instantly, I am reminded of what is important in life. I'm instantly given a big hug by my Best Buddy as if He's saying... "welcome back! enjoy the tunes!" My singing instantly becomes an expression of outward praise and love of my God... and no longer filled with selfish desires and pointless lyrics.

I know that I learn this lesson over and over and over and over. But I am always SO happy to get focused again and fill my head with the good stuff.
Now if only I can remember this when I'm tempted by Lady Gaga or Soulja Boy :-)

What's your "music of choice"?