better now

a call from Thayer's brother -and- new Halloween underwear made everything better.

(these two subjects are completely unrelated.... but they both bring me happiness )
:o)

just gotta get this out...

We just got back from Kids Haven, where the adult group talked about "teams". It was supposed to encourage us to consider what each individual contributes to the family "team"... i think.
But all I realized, and I think others realized, is that widowed parents have to fill ALL of the roles. Leader, visionary, trainer, referee, support staff, time keeper, announcer, etc. etc.

My husband isn't here and I'm left to fill all of the roles.
Upon returning to my musty smelling, dirty house, I get angry thinking about all of the roles that I fill.
I'm angry that my husband isn't here to do what he is supposed to do. I'm angry that I have two kids that don't lift a finger to help me. I'm angry that my kids don't give a shit about... anything.
I'm angry that I have an 8 year old that is a raging lunatic whenever he is asked to be responsible about homework, personal hygiene, or help around the house. I'm angry that the same 8 year old can be the sweetest most loving person as long as he is doing what he enjoys. I'm angry that there is no balance.
I'm angry that my 9 year old enables the 8 year old to be a moron. I'm angry that my 9 year old acts like he's 2.
I'm angry that we are in this predicament partly due to piss-poor parenting, and partly due to the fact that they are so eaten up inside by the death of their Dad.

So angry.
We all are.

whew.
I feel better now.

WE Wii

My kids rarely watch tv at home. I usually keep the cable cord under lock and key and encourage them to get off of their butts.
And gaming usually isn't a problem. They go through spurts of playing a game or two... and they enjoy the DS when traveling. But they are generally okay with doing other things.
Until-
Lucas spent his birthday money on the new Mario Bros.
Earlier this week, he didn't come up for breakfast when called... so I banned the use of the Wii on weekdays.

I have decided that they can play the Wii solely on the weekends.... and I came up with the fabulous name of "WE Wii" nights.
"We Wii" stands for "WeekEnd Wii"... but just imagine Lucas smiling and pointing to his private parts each time we talk about it :-)

anywho. great idea,right?
I had decided that I would participate in these We Wii nights to make it more family friendly.
We started tonight off really well. We were playing, joking around, laughing, having a great time.
Until-

Lucas accuses Daniel and myself of killing him.



(to be clear....his character died... not really him... because let's remember... this is JUST A GAME).

but alas...screaming ensues and someone got hit with a rubber snake.

The result:
No We Wii tomorrow.
Lucas has to wait another week to play his new game.

my conclusion:
my kids just don't get it.

my own little world

I've been reading about people and their iPod playlists, as they prepare for the VA 10-miler. One gal was quick to assume that she would be judged by her music choices. But I was inspired :)
I have revamped my walking playlist to liven up my daily 3-miler. :-)
Apparently I like Kanye West...alot. weird, I know.

I've still got some 'good for my soul' stuff in there too.... Kanye's "Gold Digger" is followed by Natalie Grant's "Your Great Name".
Ha.

and this particular song has been on my mind lately:
(you have to hang in through the mellowness of it, because it has a good message)



It's inspiring me to step out of my box!
more to come....

Harvest Moon

My mom just informed me of the Harvest Moon. With a little help from Google... NASA informed me that it is a "Super Harvest Moon".

Either way. I noticed it.

I had a 'moment' as I noticed the full moon tonight on my way to kick boxing class.
Remembering that fateful evening...that was illuminated by a full moon.
Breathe.
Recalling the turmoil in our home over the past two days.
Breathe.
wondering when things will settle, IF they will settle.
Breathe.
Realizing that I am doing the best that I can.
And that I am finally doing something for 'me'.
breathe and carry on.

Well, technically, I've only been to this kick boxing class three times... but this is huge for me. I am super excited to have this time scheduled in for ME!! I know that I'm really going to enjoy this!
It's a good workout, (when I apply myself), and I think the instructor is swell. Along with some hippity-hoppity music... the time flies and I'm revved up for the evening.

Even though full moons bring me pause- I'm moving forward and feeling pretty good these days.

pulling it together for fall

I'm finally taking charge of this pit that we call home. I got hyped up on caffeine today and got the notion to finally clean up and put out the fall decorations. I get so excited every year to pull out fall things... and every year I'm surprised that I really don't have much. I've got one nifty light up thing,and a few things to put on a shelf and on the doors. And honestly, that's enough. I think that any more would throw off my 'no clutter' plan. I can't seem to decorate tastefully... so I try to avoid it when possible.

I have a friend that decorates tastefully and FULL-out for every holiday. I haven't seen her house yet... but I'm sure it looks like a pumpkin threw up... but in an absolutely gorgeous way! :-) She has such a skill for being festive. I can't wait to see her fall decorations!

anywho.

I announced to my family that I would NOT be hosting our annual pumpkin party this year.
But... as the boys and I shopped at Target tonight, we purchased the prizes for our pumpkin carving contest.
Go figure.
I am so bi-decisive about this, every year.

(yes... "bi-decisive" is a new word... just like "un-crush". pretty sure I could write my own dictionary) ;)

so... while thinking about having/not having the party, we thought it would be a grand idea to check out some Halloween costumes.
Can we say, "highway robbery?"
$40 for the same costumes that ran $30 last year. NO way. (as many of you have read, I never had a store bought costume as a kid... so I always feel foolish dishing out money to buy costumes for my own children)
But I am SUPER proud to report that my kids agreed to, and are excited about, being NINJAS! ($7 costumes!! rock on!)



I think we are ready!

tonight

thinking and praying specifically for three friends. you know who you are... so make sure you watch this...
not sure if it's you? watch it and let me know ;)



lovin' andrew peterson :-)

exterminator?

Last night at 1am, L screamed out in panic. I moseyed out of bed and went to find him standing in his room. He was pretty sure that something was in his bed. I assured him that he was having a bad dream and I tucked him back in, turned on the light of his new light saber (which came with a stand... to use as a nifty nightlight) and I went back to bed.

All the while, I'm thinking... how much I miss Thayer... and how it really sucks to be the only one to come to the rescue of a panicked dreamer.

At 1:30am, L screamed out in total horror. He had made his way to the hallway screaming, "There really is something! This is really it! There's a SNAKE in my room!!"
I shot out of bed knowing that he was pretty sure of himself this time.
D also joined us in the hallway wondering what the heck was going on.

I was 99.9 percent sure that there wasn't a snake.
But .1 percent of me remembered the fact that we had found a baby snake in our basement several weeks ago... and at the time we had joked about the possibility of mama snake having residence in our house.
Being the super brave mom that I am, I turned on his light and went to investigate his room. He begged and cried for me NOT to go in. He was crying and shaking. He was certain that the snake, which he described quite well, had been slithering on a blanket in the floor.

Now. This situation would seem easy to someone whose kids kept tidy rooms. But I was looking in at a floor covered with legos, blankets, books, clothes, etc. It's a total mess in there. And quite frankly a snake could probably live undetected for months.

So, here I was....1:30am.... picking up and shaking blankets, moving legos and searching every corner of the room with added help from a flashlight. All the while, L is crying for me to be cautious.

I explained that if there was really a snake, that I would need to find it.
I asked him, "what am I supposed to do if I find one?"
He screamed out, "CALL 911!!!"
"really?"
"no. CALL THE SNAKE AWAY-ERS!! tomorrow morning."
He was freaked out.
I paused to take some time to giggle at the predicament and his suggestions. :o)

After several minutes of searching I concluded that there was NOT a snake in his room. He had just had a vivid dream.
But just to be on the safe side, we sealed off his room and he came to bed with me.
We shared a few laughs about the incident and then drifted off to sleep.

Never a dull moment around here!

This girl gets it right, every time.
I LOVE this blog....
Widow Chick

hoarding

I just watched two episodes of Hoarders on Netflix. It was uncomfortable, to say the least.
I would consider myself the opposite of a hoarder. I'm not a fan of knick knacks, and accumulated piles of clutter eventually drive me bonkers. I'd be happy to throw out just about everything in my house that isn't furniture, or used daily.
I have a tendency to grow little piles of junk, here and there, but I go through crazy spurts where I'll just throw it all away without a second glance.

Interesting enough, as I was watching the Hoarders show, it disturbed me to see a recurring theme with the folks involved. Just about everyone started their hoarding behavior shortly after the death of a loved one, divorce, etc.
I kept thinking, "this could be me! I better keep a check on things!"

It's true... that after Thayer died, my housekeeping habits changed dramatically. (I used to be terribly anal about cleaning and keeping things in order. I would clean for days simply to have someone come over to visit.) But after Thayer's death (and probably a few years prior to), I realized that there are way more important things to focus on.
I've chosen to hang out with my kids,go out on the town and have FUN! And I love to have visitors even though I tell them to use the bathroom at their own risk :)

I want to make each day count!
We spent almost 8 hours at the skate park over the past two days.
I completely forgot about cutting my grass (which was the first time I've forgotten) and it doesn't matter at all! The grass can wait!
My 40 minute nap, in my camp chair, at the skateboard park was WAY more important! The kids said that they didn't notice I was sleeping because of my sunglasses. How convenient :o)

okay. that was a random story. and I have NO idea where I'm going with this post.
I'm just hopeful that I won't become a hoarder at home while I'm out sleeping in public.
please let me know if I start showing signs! ;)

And BY ALL MEANS... don't EVER let me become a CrAzY CaT LaDy! Yikes!

expensive

The past two evenings have been hard for L. He has been a crazed lunatic about doing homework.
This afternoon... after a temper tantrum and the consequences that followed, he admitted to me that he had broken something VERY expensive.
He was sure that it "maybe costs more than your car... you are going to kill me".

He was scared to death of what my reaction would be and what consequences would follow. He was sure that I would kill him. and if death wasn't involved... he was sure that he would have to spend several days in his room.

I couldn't imagine what, in his room, would be more expensive than my car. (come to think of it.. nothing in our house would qualify) He assured me that the window was still intact and that the furniture was unscathed.

I went in to inspect.
It turns out that he had made a TINY hole in the wall with his doorknob. I had to hold back my smiles as he hid under his bed to avoid my wrath.

"oh boy", I say, "do you want to know how much this will cost?!"
"No!" he replies. (fear and trembling in his voice)

I then go on to explain that the hole won't cost us anything except the time it will take for HIM to repair it.
I explained about the putty, the sanding and the painting... that HE will start on tomorrow after school.

That TINY hole seemed to be a HUGE wake-up call for him.
We'll see.

show Yourself!

A father to the fatherless, a defender of widows, is God in his holy dwelling.
Psalm 68:5

Sometimes I wish He would be obvious.

spoke too soon

I was just telling L's teacher about how happy he's been. A dramatic change from last spring.

But, lo and behold, he lost it tonight. And I failed miserably as a parent, again.

(we are both completely fine now... and he's sneaking around with his brother in the other room, with giggles.)

But to combat my stress, I downloaded a new ringtone and I'm on my way to have a drink and watch a depressing movie...
just because.

I'm a dork

I know. It may come as a huge surprise to most of you ;). But I am indeed a dork.

Here's a perfect example:
I've been walking alot lately. Which I LOVE!!! I've been snaking through this neighborhood each day.
Today while I was walking, a friend called my cell phone. I explained to her that that when I was done walking I have to drive my route, in my car, to calculate how many miles I walked. I told her that the neighborhood people are probably wondering about why I keep driving around. ;p

She cooly replied, "don't you have one of those pedometer things?"

hmmm... what a great idea.
She's a genius.
And therefore confirming my dorkhood. :)

Can anyone recommend a reliable and accurate pedometer?

perfect day

Work this morning, followed by lunch with friends.

A beautiful afternoon for my walk. iPod armed with my new Weepies CD.


I Was Made For Sunny Days.
Beautiful blue skies and God's creation singing all around. I'm sure that I felt Him in the breeze.
It was the kind of day that called for driving the LONG way home. Windows down.
Drove through the car wash (with windows up) and splurged on the $10 wash.

(And don't we all know that the $10 car wash means....
get your umbrellas ready for tomorrow.)

enjoy the sunshine!