nothing

Now that I'm off of facebook.... I'm not able to update my status to let everyone know what I'm wearing or where I'm going. So- here's my status for today:

"Jill is doing absolutely nothing."

After church and lunch, the kids took off to a neighbor's house. They were invited to stay for dinner so they were gone a LONG time. I didn't have a clue what to do with my time. Housework and the necessary chores didn't look tempting at all.
So I decided to have a do-nothing day. These are very rare for me.
(even though I did enjoy quite a few back in the snow).

I've realized that do-nothing days are refreshing and depressing at the same time.
I decided to nap and watch movies... usually teeny bopper/romantic comedies... that end up making me sad and lonely.
I just finished watching "10 Things I Hate About You" (which is always a favorite!) and I'm actually sad?! unbelievable!
How come all of these movie characters are getting so much action while I sit at home alone?!

Then, I like to remind myself that life isn't like the movies.

Off to fold the laundry...

retreat

I attended the womens retreat at church this weekend.
I went into the weekend, assuming that I wasn't really a "crowd" person. And also assuming that attending the retreat would be a stretch for me, because I wasn't sure what to expect, or who I would know.

It's always super weird to walk into a crowd of people and wondering where to fit in. But it turns out that I actually know more people than I thought.
Of course it helped that my sister and Elaine were on hand. But I not only talked with them, but I managed to talk to other people too! :-) impressive, eh?

I think it was a great time of teaching and fellowship. I'm super glad that I attended.
good times. :-)

movie

I just watched Love Happens.

(and I wanna know why I've never heard of this movie before!? it was released in 2009?!)

It was nice to see a movie about a widower, in which dealing with grief is the focal point of the story.
The movie alluded to the fact that we all deal with grief differently, and that it needs to be dealt with.
But honestly, this movie didn't do anything for me. I was really hoping for a more raw, real depiction of grief. I wanted to cry more. But that didn't happen.

As I was watching the story unfold, I vaguely thought that my own story would be more interesting than this movie's plot.
I'm just waiting on my happy ending so a screenplay would look more appealing :)

Or maybe, for now, I'll start compiling that book of mine. Then I'll add the 'happy ending' part and get the movie underway. ;0)

hehe

my explanation

Alrighty. I have decided to deactivate my Facebook account. And I've been barraged with questions as to why I would do such an unthinkable crime.

First of all:
Some of you will be glad to know that a "deactivation" is less severe than a "deletion". The world of FB will save my account and settings if and when I choose to return.

Now for my explanation:

It all started a few weeks ago when I realized that my addiction to Facebook Scrabble had morphed from a happy hobby into a chore. I had made the decision that I was going to wean myself from the Scrabble.
My good friend, Sabrina, had also made a comment about stopping the Scrabble. I was convinced that she and I shared a brain at that point.
But to my surprise... by the next day... her profile was GONE from Facebook! She had done the unthinkable... and I was fascinated!
She challenged me to think about what I was really accomplishing through my activity on Facebook.

Over the past few days, I have tried to gather my thoughts and reasonings for making my decision.

-If I'm honest here, Facebook was easily an idol for me. It was often the first thing I'd do when I came home each day and the last thing I'd do before bed. I didn't feel like my routine was complete unless I had checked in on FB.
-I really don't think that God wants us to focus so much on the virtual. He is a relational God, and I've decided that reading about what someone eats for dinner isn't a relational way to live. I think God would want us to GO and eat WITH someone....
Experience life and not just read about it.
-I want to spend more time with my kids. I don't want my kids to grow up and have memories of their mom sitting in front of a computer.
--In the real world, I don't have 102 friends! I have a handful of good friends. And I want to nurture those friendships.
-I want to challenge myself to revisit "old fashioned" communication. Email, phone calls and snail mail.
(I have an acquaintance who regularly sends me encouraging cards... and I cherish it! I want to do that kind of thing for others.)
-I would love to blog more. :-)

-By eliminating my FB activity, I'm not getting rid of friends and acquaintances... I'm just limiting the excess that facebook produces. I will still see my friends in person and I will still have access to acquaintances. I just want to cut back on the intake and quantity. I really want to start becoming intentional on my relationships with those that are closest to me.

behavior

I'm been contemplating my behavior lately.

The other night, a friend of mine, was casually telling me about a girl's night out that she attends. She was somewhat tickled to see how the different ladies tend to talk, or choose their actions, to conform to the group...
of mostly church ladies.
I understood that to mean that they were all being on their best behavior, possibly not being totally relaxed.
Which happens. So I didn't think much of the story at the time.

Later, I began to wonder if I tend to change my behavior depending on the company that I am keeping.
Isn't that what some would call hypocritical?
So I started wondering if anyone would perceive me to be hypocritical.

At the end of the day, I don't care what you think about me... but sometimes I wonder :)

so... as I'm thinking about myself in various social settings... I tend to think that I behave pretty much the same around everyone. Most of you can vouch for the fact that I am far from perfect in my social graces, or lack thereof. :-) And I would hope that I am consistent in my behavior.

There is one behavioral difference that I instantly noted:
I realize that I have rarely, if ever, used bad language in church or at work. And really... who would curse in those settings?
(golly, this makes it sound like I have the mouth of a sailor at other times. It's not that bad... but I'll admit that I'm not 'all holy, all the time')

Other than that, I think I'm safe to say that my behavior is fairly consistent in my peer groups. I really DO want to be the same for everyone. Why waste time and energy on being something, or someone, that you are not? I just want to be me, all the time.

So this week, I'm taking note of my behavior. Let me know if I do something outrageously wrong. :-) I'm curious.

favorite song of the day....

What Do I Know of Holy. by Addison Road.

(Lovely. Jamie says it's "soulful." yep.)

new single from Francesca

Just heard the new single, Beautiful Beautiful from Francesca Battistelli on the radio tonight.
But yet, this song is way too familiar to me.
I purchased her album just a few days before Thayer died. And after his death, I can vividly remember listening to this song over and over and over.
The lyrics spoke such truth to me in my darkest moments.
So... hearing this song on the radio is a bitter-sweet reminder of some of the most difficult days of my life. But a great reminder that God was my "sunlight burning at midnight". whew.


Beautiful Beautiful
Francesca Battistelli

Don’t know how it is You looked at me
And saw the person that I could be
Awakening my heart
Breaking through the dark
Suddenly Your grace

(Chorus)
Like sunlight burning at midnight
Making my life something so
Beautiful, beautiful
Mercy reaching to save me
All that I need
You are so
Beautiful, beautiful

Now there’s a joy inside I can’t contain
But even perfect days can end in rain
And though it’s pouring down
I see You through the clouds
Shining on my face

(Chorus)

I have come undone
But I have just begun
Changing by Your grace

(Chorus)

snow daze

I'm watching my kids play in the snow today. As I have done for the past 8 days. We were fortunate to have the kind of snow that hangs on just long enough to allow for the schools to be closed, as well as my work. An entire week out of school, for snow, is unheard of in this area.
I am convinced that it is God's way of getting us all to slow down. dramatically.

I'm the kind of person who has always needed to get out of the house. Even when I had infants I ventured out... somewhere... EVERY day... just to stay sane.

Interestingly enough, this past week, I have learned to be still. Very still.
We've had the kind of week that I didn't even know existed. The boys have been absorbed in their friends. They have played outside for 6-8 hours each day. And their time indoors has been full of movies and video games.
I'll be surprised if either of them remember how to read when they return to school.

I've struggled off and on this week about what my role as mom should be on a snow day. I hear about other moms who facilitate games, or crafts, or baking with their kids.
But my kids just aren't having that. They want to be with their friends.
I've realized that they have reached the age where mom alone cannot entertain. And I'm starting to accept that.
It's actually pretty neat to have so much free time on my own. But I am antsy about what to do with it!

So... this week I have learned a little about what to do when the kids aren't around. I became really good at laundry... as always. And I watched some movies (during DAYLIGHT hours!)... which has NEVER happened when the kids are conscious. And I actually enjoyed shoveling snow because it made me feel as though I accomplished something.
You know... I could have cleaned the entire house this week. Possibly even organized the junk stuff in the basement.
But I didn't do anything.
Some may consider my actions lazy. And maybe that is what I was aiming for.
It's not often that the factory of life gets shut down for a week.
Tomorrow we'll slowly crank up the machines and start production again.

what we watch

As many of you know, I don't watch tv.
I even stopped watching The Office a few months ago (even though I do have my calendar marked to watch the episodes when Jim and Pam have their baby) :-)
It turns out that I've got so much more important stuff to do instead of watching TV... like playing Scrabble on Facebook and taking hot baths. :-) haha.

But this week, I have started with Netflix. It's my new little fling. I'm assuming that my excitement for this will last about as long as my excitement about Band Hero. I'll keep you posted.

Interesting enough, I have chosen to watch TV episodes via netflix. I have been watching episodes of Six Feet Under and Dead Like Me.
While others are enjoying "Smut TV" like The Bachelor... here I am watching Smut TV about death.
I can oddly relate to some of the content and I like to be able to think "yeah, that's how it is" OR "nope, the writers got that all wrong".

anywho. I struggle with the fact that both of these new-to-me shows have a super storyline but they are littered with cursing and the occasional unnecessary sex scene. I have, against my better judgement, chosen to continue watching the stories unfold. I am really intrigued by the plots and I have just chosen to overlook the stupid array of litter.

As I think over my choice to watch this smut, I wonder if it is a wise decision... and I wonder how we can justify watching anything at all.

Tonight, I watched a movie that someone (my sister!) said was "cute". As I watched The Invention of Lying I was offended. The premise of the movie would have been cute until "hollywood" portrayed the truth of God and Heaven to be a lie. It was done casually and in humor....
You'd have to see the movie to understand... but if you read into it... hollywood was ultimately saying that Christians are just happy because we are believing the lie about God and having false hope in heaven. I was even offended because the movie seemed to mock Jesus.
(Did you notice any of this stuff, sis?!)

I usually take this stuff in stride... knowing that everyone has their own opinions... but this movie just rubbed me the wrong way.... probably because it was so subtle... just the way Satan wants it to be.

So. I'm convicted, to a point, about what I'm going to choose to watch via Netflix. And I wonder how I can effectively filter out the trash...

yes, I know that the correct answer is: "Don't watch any of it." And like I mentioned above, this little fling with netflix shouldn't last too long.
so no lectures needed ;)