gratitude: #5- downtime

I am so thankful that I have a smidge more downtime than I used to.

Most days I still feel pulled in a million directions. 
But, over the past few weeks, I have enjoyed a few days with friends by the pool, an evening to read, time to write a letter to a relative, time to shop on Amazon, and time to sit and type this post.   
It's these quiet moments that I am so thankful for.    

Honestly I have to carve out that time for myself.   It takes some planning ahead, getting 'all the things' done in order to really have the time to chill.   It's interesting, I'm finding out, that in order to be "chill" - I still have to plan for it.  lol.   

Obviously still a work in progress.

I want to be more intentional about pausing, being outside as much as possible, and enjoying the free time whenever I can get it.
My favorite season is almost upon us!  I want to relish this fall.

gratitude: #4- Access to fresh foods

I have been making more of an effort to cut out ultra-processed foods from my home diet.   Certainly not perfection...  Especially when I am out-and-about, or socializing.... but the small changes at home have made a great impact on how I'm feeling.   I've been tinkering with little changes here and there in hopes to form lifelong habits.   

I have a growing hatred for Big Food and Big Pharma and am making my food choices as a result of my distrust for each.  And.... telling myself that the ultra-processed foods are basically poison to my body (that's how I stopped drinking soda years ago) AND..... most importantly reminding myself that whole foods are what God intended us to eat, not a concoction of chemicals made in a factory.  

A'hem.  stepping down from the soapbox

The point is: While being on the mission to eat real food, I am at Food Lion a few times each week restocking fruits and veggies.

I am so thankful to have access to fresh food just 5 minutes from home.    We live in a great location.  

Just miles from my house there are food deserts where fresh food is not always available.  That is so sad.

So I continue to count my blessings.  Things we usually take for granted.   Something as simple as fruits and vegetables.  I am thankful.

And thank goodness, the USDA finally got the food pyramid right!

gratitude: #3- running water

Running water.
This is easily at the very top of things I am thankful for on the regular.   
Running water is a significant innovation that many people take for granted every day.

When I visited Uganda, I was able to witness firsthand how many people do not have the luxury of unlimited water in their homes.   I came home with a new appreciation.

Google AI tells me that:
💧25% of the world (2.1 billion people) lack access to clean drinking water in their homes.

💧Approximately 1.8 billion people globally do not have water piped or available on premises. 

💧2.2 million Americans live in homes lacking running water or basic indoor plumbing.  That's wild!

Consider having to go fetch water every day, and then rationing it for washing hands, bathing, cooking. 

Our house is supplied by well water, and I have felt the inconvenience of not having water available when our power goes out.  When the water is unavailable, I become painfully aware of how many times I wash my hands each day and how often I take for granted the faucet with endless supply.

SO thankful for regular access to clean water.   

gratitude: #2- seasons

Seasons.   The actual seasons of the year.... not the seasons of life, as I usually write about.

This morning when I stepped outside I noticed the humidity is starting to dwindle and there is a slight sense of fall in the air.    However, living in central Virginia, this is a false fall because I know that it will inevitably heat up again before fall settles in with a cozy blanket.   Fall is my favorite, so I wait with anticipation.

I would argue that I live in one of the best climates on Earth.   To be able to experience Winter, Spring, Summer and Fall is such a blessing.  Here....each season is rather mild compared to other places in the United States.  I feel like we have just the right balance.

Different temperatures, different weather, different phases that give us something to look forward to.  Our daily habits slowly shift to accommodate the seasons.  Our outdoor chores rotate through the year like clockwork.  Even our hummingbirds come and go on schedule each year.   Our community vibe shifts to reflect the season and the holidays.  

I absolutely the order of it all. 
God is a God of order, not of chaos.   I appreciate that he placed the Earth at exactly the right distance from the sun so that little ol' me, here in Virginia, can sit on my patio this morning and be thankful for our seasons.
I love the change in the air.

As a side note:  I've been known to say, "never trust a weatherman".  I don't know any other job where someone is paid to be somewhat right, some of the time.    I always say the weather will be whatever God wants it to be today.    Thankful for sunshine today! 🌞

gratitude: #1- mobility

I wake up each morning,   Oh!.... I guess that should probably top my list.   The air in my lungs.  The body that kept working in the night.  That's a biggie!

But, as I was saying: 
 I wake up each morning, get dressed, stretch my body, take a walk, tend to the yard, prepare breakfast.  All of the things.    

All of those things that I take for granted until the day that I wake up and CAN'T do any of it.

I have struggled with back issues off and on for years.  It used to be probably twice a year that I would do something to aggravate my SI joint.  More recently the episodes haven't been as debilitating.   In fact, last week the chiropractor confirmed that my recent issue was a muscle spasm.   Just enough pain and stiffness that I couldn't do business as usual.  Definitely couldn't sit for long.  Couldn't even tie my shoes.
I get so pouty.

This go-round I kept remembering how much I take mobility for granted.  I also reminded myself that this episode would be temporary.   Sure.... I was frustrated and irritated, but I knew that ultimately I would get back to doing the things that I always do.  

Not everyone has the ability to move freely and I am SO grateful for a body that cooperates the majority of my days.  It is a blessing that I don't want to take for granted.  
Thank you, God, for my abilities.  Help me to be a good steward of the body that you have given me.

18 years

August 16th marked eighteen years since Thayer's death.  And today would have been Thayer's 56th birthday.

I missed blogging about these anniversaries the past two years.  Not that I forgot....(because August is always a heavy month of anniversaries)... but because time has paused while we've been swimming in this aging parent ocean.

But, wow.... 18 years.  As I always say, "a lifetime ago."
Considering 18 years since we've seen Thayer?   That's a LONG time.   I sometimes wonder how he would have aged, or what life would be like if he were still here. 
  
August 2008, the rug was pulled out from under our family.  I had no idea what a future would look like for me or the boys.  
But God.
God knew.  God gave hope.  God provided.  God gave us each day anew.
And time... continued as it always has.   

Time is a wild thing.

We survived what I thought was un-survivable.   
Praise God!

I always wish my boys would have been given more time with Thayer.  The years with their Dad were so short.    I love that I can see Thayer's talents and personality traits in each of them.   Thayer would be over-the-moon proud of his boys, as I am.

Ecclesiastes 3:1-8 

   There is a time for everything,
    and a season for every activity under the heavens:

   a time to be born and a time to die,
    a time to plant and a time to uproot,
  a time to kill and a time to heal,
    a time to tear down and a time to build,
    a time to weep and a time to laugh,
    a time to mourn and a time to dance,
    a time to scatter stones and a time to gather them,
    a time to embrace and a time to refrain from embracing,
    a time to search and a time to give up,
    a time to keep and a time to throw away,
   a time to tear and a time to mend,
    a time to be silent and a time to speak,
    a time to love and a time to hate,
    a time for war and a time for peace.

Jeremiah 29:11
"For I know the plans I have for you", declares the Lord, "Plans to prosper you and not to harm you,  plans to give you hope and a future."  

solved

After six counseling sessions, I decided to stop.   
Over a course of 7 weeks, I have found myself to have a better attitude and more peace.
Counseling was not the trick....but I will admit it was a tool that may have helped me find the right direction.   
I believe that prayers and listening to God's nudges have been the solution.  Honestly, I know they are the solution.
I quit the counseling because I didn't want to delve deeper in to anything.   The young counselors said they had identified areas in which I could grow.   I was asked why I was afraid to "go deeper".  Leaving that session, I felt like they were calling me shallow.    I had been challenging for them, even insulting their profession at one point. oops.   They wanted me to be honest.  I was honest but apparently not deep enough.  I'm still trying to figure out where they wanted me to go.  Perhaps I am shallow.    But... I'm currently content.... and that was my goal.   

All of that to say:    The last session was probably my favorite.   They had me do a "value sort".  I was given, what felt like, hundreds of pieces of papers with various "values" on them.    I ultimately had to narrow down to three, in each of two columns: "Important to me" and "Very Important to me"

What I settled on:  (top 10 included here)

Family and Friendship were an easy top two.

And Hope jumped in at number three where I was reminded of the verse that has carried me through it all...

Jeremiah 29:11

"For I know the plans I have for you", declares the Lord, "Plans to prosper you and not to harm you,  plans to give you HOPE and a future."    
He provides.

He is the solution.

acceptance

Apparently I have found acceptance in our current living situation.    I am feeling more "chill" and am learning to go with the flow.  Every day has it's own challenges but I am learning to pick my battles and accept the things I cannot change.   I'm choosing peace, I'm choosing minimal, I'm choosing myself.

I have accepted that my current capacity is for managing myself and my mom.  I'm choosing my own comfort over being frazzled all day long.   It's the new, Chill Jill.   Welcome.

My dear friend often reminds me of this quote:

If everyone in the world wrote down their problems and put them in a hat, would you risk grabbing one....or keep yours?

It's so much about perspective!  I have slowly shifted my perspective from drowning in this aging parent ocean to realizing that things are overall pretty calm at the moment.   I need to count my blessings daily.   
Gratitude writings to follow....

peace

Our home generally has an air of anxiety and uneasiness.  I am determined to combat that.  A few days at the beach was just the reset I needed.  I have returned to the house determined to be more "chill", even when surrounded by crazy.  

I want to change my perspective and attitude toward our current situation.
The process of learning to change my perspective:  Prayers in the moment, deep breaths and meditating on things that remind me of how precious life is.   I can count my blessings.

 I am usually thinking 15 steps ahead about what needs to be done.  Anticipating needs and doing "the things" to make everyone's life more comfortable.   However I'm realizing that not everyone else runs in "go" mode all of the time.  I want to be more intentional about s l o w i n g down and taking time to recharge and relax.  That is totally out of character for me.... so I'm trying.

I want to be more intentional about living in the moment and finding peace within the uneasiness.

A pastor recently said, "Peace isn't found in circumstances, it's found in the presence of Christ".

The key is looking for, and seeing Jesus right where I am.

Faith

 

We pass the little church on the corner every day.  This week the sign says,

 "Faith doesn't make things easy, it makes them possible".  

That rings so true.
Having faith in Christ doesn't lessen the overwhelming emotion, and drain, of hard things in life.  There is no promise of rainbows and butterflies once you choose to follow Christ.  He never promised an easy life.

However he did promise to always be with us.*
 
I am slowly learning (geez, I should know by now!) to silently call out to God throughout the day.  I am witnessing that only through Him, I am able to create a calm moment or have a calm reaction.   I see him work, immediately, when I remember to silently whisper,

Lord, give me patience.
Lord, help me respond in kindness.
Lord, help me stay positive.
Lord, let me see the need before it becomes an issue.
Lord, help me to pause and react in love.

He makes it possible.  

Certainly not perfection over here (just ask Greg how I'm doing.🤣).... but each day I feel a smidge better as I learn to give the little moments to God, having faith that He will see us through.

*
Isaiah 41:10
Fear not, for I am with you; be not dismayed, for I am your God; I will strengthen you, I will help you, I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.

Isaiah 43:2
When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and through the rivers, they shall not overwhelm you; when you walk through the fire you shall not be burned, and the flame shall not consume you.

Deuteronomy 31:6
Be strong and courageous. Do not fear or be in dread of them, for it is the LORD your God who goes with you.  He will not leave you for forsake you.

Isaiah 41:13
For I, the LORD your God, hold your right hand; it is I who say to you, "Fear not, I am the one who helps you."

"I write better than I talk"

It's time to start writing again.   It'll be good for me.  Therapeutic.   Even the counselor said that I could write, and we could discuss. 
Challenge accepted.

I've always enjoyed writing, and often sharing what God is teaching me, though this outlet.   I'm realizing that I have only posted eight times since things fell apart with Dad in 2023. 

It has been a HARD few years.  The challenges of aging parents has been consuming, to put it mildly.

We have said goodbye to Greg's Mom, and my Dad.

I had wondered if I would ever share the journey of caring for Dad, and how he suffered, and what we learned as a family.  But after his death, I knew that I didn't want to relive any of it.   There aren't words to describe how awful it was for him, for us.   The fact that he is no longer suffering is such a relief. I am so glad that he is finally at peace.     
I grieved for Dad long before he left us.  Anticipatory grief. A long goodbye. So many gut-wrenching moments, tearful car rides, sleepless nights.

We barely had time to come up for air before things fell apart with Mom.   Less than five months after Dad's death, mom moved into our home.   The diagnosis of mixed Alzheimer's and vascular dementia.
 
Recently realizing that I am NOT doing well with this life transition, I signed up for some free counseling.  I explained to the counselor that our empty nest is wrecked, and that I have lost my sanctuary.   Our home is no longer our home, and my time is no longer my time.  And it's chilling to know that mom's condition will only get worse.  

I'm in the process of trying to shift my perspective, to find God's fullness in this.
I am praying for lots of patience (I mean LOTS).
I am praying that I can learn to give God all of the things that are out of my control.

I hope to learn to control my reactions to the things that disrupt my peace.   
Nothing is going to make this journey easier.  Each day is exhausting.... but I know that I can feel lighter if I cling to the fact that God sees the big picture.
I continue to remind myself that "this is only for a season".   (If only I had a dollar for every time I have uttered that phrase) 🤑

groundhog day

 I'm just wondering where my cat is.
Where are your cats?
Where's Jeff?
(opening door)
(closing door)
There's your blue cat with the white eyes.
Your big cat never goes outside?
Where are all of the cats?
Can I let Jeff in?
(Closing curtains)
Are you going to put Jeff in the garage?
Does Jeff have food and litter?
Where is Jeff?
Where is your cat with the blue eyes?
(opening curtains)
What are you going to do with all of those eggs?
I don't know how you can eat that in the morning.  I could, maybe for dinner. But not for breakfast.
I don't eat breakfast.
What are you going to do with all of those lemons?
(closing curtains)
(pacing)
Look at all of that.  What are you going to do with that?
This is too much food.   This burger is too big.  This plate is too full.  This fish is too big. 
This is too many fries. 
 I should have just ordered dessert.
I always think I'm going to just order dessert.
I always think I'm just going to order dessert.
I always think I should just order dessert.
I don't ever eat breakfast.
Where is Jeff?
(opening door)
Jeff can't be out this time of day.   You can't trust him.   He'll run off.
This is the time of day that he likes to disappear.  He won't come back.
You have to put Jeff in the garage.
Does he have litter and food?
Where is Jeff?
Where are your cats?
(opening door)
(closing door)
(pacing)
Where is Jeff?
What are you going to do with all of those eggs? 
Where do you get all of those eggs?
What are you going to do with that?
Bet me.
Bet me.
Bet me.
How about that?
How about that?
Isn't that something?
Isn't that something?