If I had spoken

Our church has a Thanksgiving service each year when they allow the folks in the audience to stand up and speak briefly about things they are thankful for.   Every year I have a million things I could share... if I wasn't terrified about speaking in front of people.

The obvious blessing this year has been getting to know Greg.  

If I had stood up and mentioned that I was in love with a good man.... it would have sounded as though my life were finally 'fixed' because I met a guy.  

But it is SO much more than that.

Last spring I was compelled to sit down with Greg and share my 'story' with him.  

The theme of my story is that God has been my Provider.   

As a young wife and mother, as a widow, as a single mom.... God has continually provided.   I can look back at months and years,and even specific days and circumstances, in which God's provision materialized perfectly.      This happened most often through the people that God placed in our lives. People either stayed, or came and went... but I could see how God used them in my life at just the right time.

So this thanksgiving when I want to shout about how happy I am ...  (because yes, I am SO in love).... I pause.... and remember that my happiness is not rooted in man.  

It is God's provision and perfect timing that I am most thankful for.     

God's timing is always right, every time.    

My story is still being written.

Ecclesiastes 3:11

He has made everything beautiful in its time.  He has also set eternity in the human heart; yet no one can fathom what God has done from beginning to end.

in time

Everything happens in time.      I looked back at an old blog post this morning.    I wrote a bit about where the boys and I were at that time, in 2013.   I finished the post by writing,

"It's nice to know that we can take our time.  God will make all the other stuff work out.  
In time."

I've written so much about timing over the past eight years.   Lots about God's timing, hope, and waiting.  

I've also written a lot about my weightloss journey.   And I just recently realized that is also so much about timing and waiting.    I hit my heaviest weight in october of 2014.     And it's taken me TWO years to finally figure this thing out.   There has been so much tweaking- and growth- with my exercise, so much fussiness over food, so much discussion with friends and family.    And then I realized that I had to be accountable to myself, and myself alone.    So, after two years of trial and error I feel that I've finally got a grip on this weight thing.    I have found the right exercise routine that works for me.  It's a routine that I have grown to look forward to every day.  (and that's something I never thought I would say!)    I want to shout it from the rooftops that this weightloss thing IS possible.  If I can do it... anyone can.    It is 100% mind over matter.     And it takes time.  

In the realm of family, I have noticed that time is of the essence with teenagers.   It has taken time...years...to build a rapport with these boys.   And honestly I still don't have a clue what goes on in their brains.   Every day is a guessing game as to if I'm doing this mom gig correctly.   But over time, I have watched my boys grow and I'm fairly hopeful that they won't need excessive counseling as adults.   Time will tell.

And the "Mr. Right thing" has always been part of the waiting.   I was hopeful that, in time, God would provide a man for our family.    In 2009 I wasn't ready... in 2013 I wrote that I wasn't ready.     

It's been years of waiting for the right time.  The time as a single mom and woman has challenged me....but I think I needed those years to learn about myself, my kids, and to work on healing.
I'm hopeful that this is my time.   My Mr. Right has appeared... I just pray he'll stick around.  Time will tell.

It's been several years of family growth, personal growth, waiting.  

It's nice to kick back and see some things come to fruition.

God will make things work out in time.

8 years

interesting fact:  Elvis Presley died on August 16,1977

Tomorrow marks eight years since Thayer left this earth.    I can't really comprehend how long ago that was, or how quickly time passes.
It's forever.  It's yesterday.  
So much has happened in the last eight years.   My boys have grown up before my eyes and we have established a nice little life for ourselves.     The really bad years are a faint memory.    I still recall the crying, the screaming, the barely keeping afloat on some nights.   But I also recall the wonderful family and friends, and my gracious God, that have kept me sane for the past 8 years.   It's been quite the ride filled with loss, sadness, hope, contentment, and so much growth.

I read a post today titled "My World Would Be So Different If You Were Still Alive".
Sure, lots of things would probably be the same.  I'd probably be living in the same house, have the same job, attend the same church.    But obviously many things would be different if Thayer was still here.   If Thayer was still alive, my boys would know what it's like to grow up with a Dad.  (that's, by far, the most disappointing part about his death.)
 If Thayer was still alive, I feel like our original plan would have continued on it's path.   I sometimes wonder....what would our family,our relationships, our communication, our habits, our parenting look like?
As I have learned, life rarely goes as planned... so I never dwell on what 'could have been'.
I think I've done well with moving forward through it all.   I'll never 'get over' losing Thayer and I have a deep appreciation for the time and life we had together.

But if you were still alive, I might not have realized that the whole "live each day like it's your last" mindset is legit.  That I need to treasure every moment while I still can and tell my family I love them as much as possible.

As much as I miss you, I'm thankful for what you taught me while you were here, and what you're continuing to teach me now that you're gone.

-Holly Riordan

I can look back now and see that I've grown over the past eight years.  I have a unique relationship with God that I never would have established had I not spent nights and nights in conversation and tears with Him.   My perspective on life has changed.   Losing my husband has been the worst event of my life thus far.   The experience has also been a defining time of finding a deep faith and watching God bring beauty instead of ashes (Isaiah 61:3)

So... tomorrow.... 8 years out.     I still love him.  I miss him.    But instead of mourning his death tomorrow... I'm skipping town for a trip to the beach.  
"Live each day like it's your last!"
Our extended family will gather on Friday to memorialize (what would have been) Thayer's 46th birthday.  
I've always liked birthday celebrations better.

our current state

Today marks the day that I am officially 50.5 pounds lighter than my heaviest weight.  It's been about a 20 month journey overall, with some ups and downs in between.  (and still en route!)    
The trick is certainly mind over matter with every detail.    I have finally found the routine that works best for me and I am feeling better than I have in years.    My habits have gradually changed and I'm starting to feel comfortable in my skin again.    Such a blessing.

Some folks connect my thinner self to the fact that I'm in love.   Yes... I'm in love with a good man...and very happy.... but my journey to get healthy started long before the man entered the picture. I wanted this for myself.   I think he just came along at the opportune time.

This summer has been an excellent time for me to date and get to know my new guy.   He gets along well with the boys and I'm certain he is an excellent fit for our family.    I'm excited to see how this current chapter is written.     (I hope it doesn't end with a burning house) ;)

The boys have had bursts of busyness this summer.   Each have attended camps, and Daniel is currently serving in Mexico with the church youth group.    We've done some day activities as a family and they've also had days of doing nothing.  (which apparently teen boys like to do...nothing.)

I have enjoyed great times with my friends this summer.
Laughter, lots of laughter.  (and a few tears in there as well)
I'm seriously surrounded by the best people.   They are a special blessing that I never want to take for granted.

So, our current state is pretty chill.   Family, friends, love, happiness, all the mushy stuff.    As of today I'd call this summer a success.

life

I was road tripping home after a day at the amusement park.    A quiet car and a straight road ahead.
It was almost twilight and the road was lined with dark green trees.   There was a gray cloud cover overhead.    The clouds were unusually intricate with deep swirls and a distinct 3D effect.   They were dark and gloomy.... yet filled with so much beauty and exquisite detail.   I marveled at how God had placed the clouds and brush stroked them across the sky exactly in that fashion, at that time, for me to witness.
In the horizon at the end of the road was a bright sun and a glowing yellow sky.   I kept anticipating that the sunlight would break through the clouds as I made my way down the highway.     Mile after mile, the clouds were above and the yellow glow was just out of reach.   Until, all of a sudden I realized that I had driven out from under the cloud cover.   The sky had opened up wide with beautiful shades of sleepy blue.   The bright yellow sun that I had expected for miles was gone.   But in it's place was something beautiful...perhaps more beautiful... and entirely different than what I had anticipated.  The driving was easy that day and I thanked God for the opportunity to travel.

I glanced at the sleeping kids in the backseat and looked over to the man sitting next to me and thought, "that's life."

39

My 39th birthday just occurred.    It was a lovely day at the lake that was prefaced with a night of camping and a close call with a raccoon.  (or perhaps a Sasquatch.  We'll never know for sure).
My boyfriend (that sounds so weird to say or write) treated me to gifts and an ice cream cake.   My family joined us for the cake at our traditional "cake and card" party.  
Prior to my actual birthday I have shared several "birthday dinners" with friends.... and the celebration will continue with a joint birthday pool party, a lunch with friends, and a trip to visit more friends!
I'd already call this week a success.
By far, the best part of birthday celebrations are the time that I get to spend with family and friends. Thanks to everyone for making me feel special.

The boyfriend gave me a devotional book that I started reading today.   Interestingly the first day is titled "Hope Does Not Disappoint".  
Indeed.  
Hope has been my theme for years.
When hope is anchored in circumstances we will be disappointed.   But when hope is based in the reality of God's love, we will not be disappointed.
I feel like I have clung to God's promises and hung tight to the hope He gives.  
Through my times in the pit and even currently... while I'm sailing high.... I still want to ground myself in God's love and continue to hope for the future.  

It's been fun thinking about the future these days.  I'm slowing starting to see a new chapter being written in my book.  
Still anxious to see what God has in store.

Here's hoping for a great year ahead!

17 years

Tomorrow, April 10th, could have been my 17th wedding anniversary.
Over the years the birthdays and anniversaries that could have been- but aren't celebrated- have been shadows on my calendar.     I make note each year of the numbers that could be.... so I won't forget.   There is a large part of me that needs to remember.    
I could still be married.   Thayer could grow older each year.
But neither are reality.

At times I wonder if he and I would have made it 17 years.    Of course I hope we would have.... but marriage is hard.   I've witnessed many of friends go through divorce.    Would he and I have defied the odds?

17 years.
 
I've written before about how I've lost the knowledge of what Thayer would do in certain situations.   I have no idea what 17 years would have looked like with him.  I have no idea of how our family would have developed if he were here.   I have no idea how he would raise these teenagers.
I guess the kid thing is the hardest.    My sons and I have been a family of three longer than we were a family of four.  

It all boils down to the fact that we aren't guaranteed tomorrow.    Life is precious.. blah, blah, blah.
Enjoy today.  

good gifts

I've been hesitant to write lately.

Things have been going swimmingly well.

 I don't want to jinx things.  
 

For over seven years I have typed about God's plan, my strong hope for a future,  and contentment.    I am secure in my knowledge that God has things planned out.   That life is good... and I can be happy in my circumstances.   And I am.
But I am always wondering, "what's next? What really IS God's plan for me?"

And now... when it looks like some of my prayers are being answered and perhaps there may be a chance of a fresh 'beginning'...... I freak out a little.

Things start going really well and I almost wait for the other shoe to drop.

I know... (and most days I remember)... that I need to accept every blessing as it comes.   I shouldn't question or doubt the blessing.    I just need to soak it up.  
God gives good gifts.    Why is it so hard for us to accept them sometimes?

The past few months have been really happy.   Heart swelling happy at times.   And honestly it's hard to believe that I deserve it.    Things were already going so well.  I was content.   Do I really deserve more?

Maybe.  Maybe not.    I guess time will tell.  
In the meantime, I need to keep reminding myself that God's plan is perfect.... and his timing is perfect.... and this day has happened for a reason.
Embrace it, Jill.

cards

The Redbud tree that we planted in memory of Thayer is blooming this week.   It seems a bit early.   Spring is upon us and I had the notion that we'd tackle some cleaning while on break from school.     Today's job..... bedrooms.      I had the privilege of starting my chores early, since the cat woke me 30 minutes after her designated breakfast time.    (have I mentioned how much I love this cat?)

I was feeling super productive and very "minimalist" as I purged junk from my drawers and closet.  I was even gloating to myself about how unattached I am to material things.  

And then... there in the back top corner of my closet... was the box full of Sympathy cards that we received after Thayer's death.
I reached for it, completely ready to empty the box into the recycling bin.  My minimalist thought was obvious, "I have no need for these.   They've been untouched in this closet for years.  Toss 'em."

But I heard that inner voice, who I should probably credit as the Spirit say,  "Just read a few."



There I sat in my bedroom floor.
I read every single personal message in every single one of those cards.   And I cried, and cried.

This, of course, took me by surprise.    It took me right back to the time following Thayer's death.   The amount of support was overwhelming.  So many people from different times of our lives...   No one certain of what to say or do... but they decided to do what most people do.... send a card.

I'm pretty sure that I didn't absorb the messages written in these cards when I received them over seven years ago.   I probably just opened a dozen a day and stuffed them in the box.
I should also clarify that I don't generally save cards.    I usually open them, read them, and then recycle them.
The fact that I kept this box for over seven years is quite amazing.  Nothing short of an act of God.  :)

My weep-fest this morning was truly a gift.  
 I read the same phrases over and over how people were praying that God would sustain us, that God would give peace, that God would comfort, that God would provide us with support and help, that God would strengthen us, and that God would give us healing.
One friend wrote a reminder that "God is almighty and faithful".

While crying over those cards, I was simultaneously  praising God for answering EVERY SINGLE ONE of the prayers lifted up on our behalf.   God fulfilled ALL of those requests in extraordinary ways.  And he continues.

My friend Elaine wrote in her card, "I pray that you will be able to look back and see God's hand on so many things."
Today I had the opportunity to look back... and I am so thankful for the resounding reminder that God IS almighty and faithful.

hope refreshed

The air outside of my box has been refreshing.
Yoga daily, walking daily, meeting new people.

The church group that I started attending has been 'interesting'.   I've only gone a couple of weeks and I realize that it's odd getting used to the Baptist lingo again.   It's especially hard on me when I don't know the tune of the praise songs.   I dig the fact that our group has a band.... and I'm assuming I'll catch on soon.
A couple of weeks ago, the leader wasn't there and he had asked a university student to fill in.  My first thought was, "wow.  some young kid is going to try to give us -old timers- some insight.   What kind of experience does he have?!"
Oh me of little faith.
God used that kid to speak volumes, directly to me, that evening.  
Remember that time God used an ass to speak to Balaam?!   That kid certainly wasn't a donkey... but God gave me a sharp reminder of His ability to communicate with us.     It was an encouraging evening.   The kid spoke on 1 Corinthians 13..... and I came away reminded that God's love for me trumps my circumstances, my insecurities, and my relationships- where people may fail.
I am valued and loved by God, and that's where I need to base my worth.

Lately my mind has gravitated back to my favorite verse, Jeremiah 29:11 "For I know the plans I have for you", declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and future."
This verse kept me grounded after Thayer died.   I counted on God to give me the hope that I needed as I looked toward the future. Part of that hope, if I'm honest, was that I would remarry and live happily ever after.
As time has passed... I have started to accept the fact that marriage might not be in the cards.  I am super content in knowing that whatever God has planned will be great.
The past few years I've been planning for a future on my own.  Thinking about the years until I kick the kids out, thinking about future jobs, preparing the house for myself to live out my lonely old years.  (yet still thinking about traveling, chilling with my friends, and all that good stuff)  :)

Interestingly enough.... when I recently stepped outta my box.... I met a man.  (squeal!)
Now, I'm not suggesting that this is THE man.   But he's a good one!
Getting to know him is new and exciting.   I'm really appreciating the attention and I love the feeling of being pursued.    This is stuff I haven't thought about- or felt -for years.     It's like being a teenager again.   (because I clearly don't have any idea about dating.  This is seriously like starting from scratch for me.)
Whether or not things continue with this guy, I realize that I am SO thankful for this time.   It has rekindled my hope that perhaps I do have a future that could include a spouse.   If not him... then someone.
I'm hopeful.  
And that's refreshing.

unintentional fast

Earlier this week I finished up a series on Netflix.     And I haven't picked up anything new.     Lucas had been grounded from screens this week,  which in turn kinda grounded me from screens too.   I had to be more intentional with what was filling his time and I couldn't sit down and ignore things around me.
So here I am, a week later,  and nothing is calling me from Netflix.

I realize that some people are giving up certain habits or vices for the season of Lent.   And although I've always scoffed  at such an idea, I think I'd like to challenge myself on the area of Netflix.   Not necessarily for Lent... but just to see if I can reclaim a portion of my life that has been consumed with binge watching TV this winter.    

The weather is bitterly cold this week so I have found myself piddling around the house.  Or just standing in various rooms.  It's been odd.
Today we did our normal cleaning, laundry, and some baking--- and once that was done..... I stood in the kitchen..... and then decided I actually had time to mop.  Not only the kitchen... but the bathrooms and hardwood as well. (gasp!)  
And after that  I had no other choice than to sit here and type.  
I really need a hobby, or a date.   (and NO... I don't need another pet, or to learn how to knit).

One downside to this free time.... I'm checking my FB notifications way too often.
Upside... I'm reading my Bible more.
Oh!!   And would you believe that the boys and I played a board game the other night?!

I hope this is just the beginning.  We'll see how it goes.

now turn north

The boys are home early from school today.  Lucas is grounded from TV this week... and he has rediscovered the outdoors.   Both boys are in the woods this afternoon,building some kind of fort.
31 degrees outside and I just sat for my first cup of hot chocolate of the year.
I'm all caught up on Netflix and I'm reluctant to start something else that will consume my time and motivation.

I've had the desire for 'new' lately.   Somehow I want to be more intentional with how I spend my time.
Interesting how a month of being a hermit, followed by a month of slow transition to liking people again, has catapulted me into stepping out of my box.

This verse has been encouraging to me this month... reminding me that it's probably time to make some changes.... spiritually, physically, emotionally.

First of all.... I have committed to doing yoga every day.   This has been a game changer in how I sleep and how I feel each day.    I've raved about yoga in the past... but haven't been consistent in my daily practice.      (If only could motivate myself to start walking again.  That would be rich.)

Secondly... I'm jumping on board a 'singles' group at a local church.   My cousin turned me on to the idea,and I decided to run with it.   This is huge for me.... because I'm actually having to talk to new people.  If you know me, you know I typically don't want to meet new people.  Remember?  I have too many friends already. haha.    
It should be interesting to actually meet single people my age.   Though I get a strong sense that the stereotypes about middle aged single people are true.   (yikes.  where do I fit in?!)

On the home front I'm trying to be more intentional with my boys as well.    We have now started cooking dinner together each night.  (well.... when we eat at home)
 We also have a weekly cleaning schedule that's pretty habitual now.  
There is so much that I want the boys to perfect before they live on their own.    I'm in full training mode these days.
Next on my "training" list will be taking Daniel out to drive.    Unbelievable.

I feel a big transition for our family over the next few years.   Time really does fly.   I'm waiting anxiously in the wings hoping that God will illuminate our paths.

social

The boys and I just finished watching Goosebumps .     Which is a movie based on R.L. Stine and his frightful characters that inhabit his kid friendly,  yet scary, books.
The movie was much more suspenseful than I had imagined to accompany a PG rating.   Overall I thought it was a fun film that probably should have gotten more publicity.
Anywho.  
Watching a story about a writer reminded me that I haven't written anything in quite a while.

The month of December I wallowed in introspection about my social life and grumbled to observe that I am the social director of my circle of friends.   If I don't plan it... it doesn't happen.    I teetered back and forth with agitation and loneliness and then gave in to the fact that..... as my friends later put it... I am the "sun".    Apparently everyone orbits around me.    Ha.
I can either fall apart under the weight of that responsibility, or I can become vain enough to realize that I am the center.
I laugh.

Through it all I've reevaluated some relationships and it's been a good process.

After an entire month of non-hosting and non-planning, and non-socializing, I jumped back in a few weeks ago.   It was a slow sunrise.  (hehehe)..... but I've decided that being a hermit doesn't suit me.

This week, we've been reveling in snow days, home from work and school.     I had two friends and their boys spend two nights at our house.    A snowed-in sleepover has kinda become our yearly tradition.    We have a blast, until we don't, and everyone goes home.     I really do love having company.
Today, when everyone left, my boys and I resumed our quiet routine of video gaming and Netflixing. It was a nice transition as we anticipate going back to reality later this week.

another year in the books

It's 10:55am on the first day of 2016 and I'm just rolling out of bed.   Not that I attended a rad party last night.   I stayed up late reading old blog posts and being irritated at my kids.   Those things are apparently exhausting.

At 11:40pm last night I decided to read through my blog posts from 2015.   There weren't very many posts and I was finishing up as I rang in the new year, alone in my kitchen.  
I had waited all day for the boys and I to go through our "memory jar" that I had been working on all year.   I had been recording events all year in hopes to read through them on New Year's Eve with my boys.    Little did I realize that this was not a priority for them. At. all.

What I realized by reading through my blog is that 2015 was, thankfully, uneventful... in a good way.
It was going to be my year to dive into minimalism and to shed my extra weight.
I only partially accomplished those things.    But I guess some progress is better than none.  
As the year officially closed, I had rid my house of at least 775 things and I had dropped 20 pounds.
The final weight loss was disappointing overall because of ups and downs in weight and motivation.

Also, looking back, I realized that a recurring topic was the illness of Mr. Q.   I had no idea that his illness consumed much of my time and thoughts during 2015.   It was just life at the time.
We said goodbye to Mr. Q, and Granny, this past fall.
It was their time. There were many tears shed, but also a relief on some levels.

Last year at this time, I was waiting for my kitchen to be completed.... and as of today, my bathrooms are also new!   That's a pretty productive year on the house front.   I think I'm able to say that I'm "done" with fixing-up at this point.   And that is a relief as well.

I had claimed 2014 as my year.   And I had claimed 2015 my year too.     And honestly.... they were okay.   They were filled with all the good stuff:  health, family, friends.
But being realistic... I'm not gonna claim 2016.   We'll just see what plays out.
I hope it's a good one.