making a wonderful life

 It's a Wonderful Life has been on repeat all day.    It's one of my favorite movies and such a great reminder that all of our little moments matter, that it's our interactions and relationships with people that make a difference in our world.  

Yesterday morning I woke up thinking about past Thanksgivings.   I thought about Thanksgivings with my extended family at my grandparent's house, I thought about Thanksgivings with Thayer's family.   And this is the second Thanksgiving without Lucas.  Things haven't really felt like "tradition" in many years.  I started the day on a bad foot, grieving years past.
BUT I pulled myself together and asked God to give me fresh/happy memories for the day ahead..... He answered:
Yesterday was one of my favorite, most relaxed Thanksgivings.  :)
We had a lovely time at my sister's house and then traveled to visit with the kids in Roanoke.
I enjoyed every minute.   I'm so thankful that Greg and I are creating new traditions as the landscape of our family continues to change.

On the same note, I've been thinking of several of my friends who are entering this season without their loved ones.
The Holidays are hard.   
Making new traditions are hard, but like my Dad always says, "Time doesn't stop for nobody".   
We will need to move forward, and embrace the new moments as they come.

It's no secret that I'm not a fan of Christmas.  To clarify: I AM a fan of Jesus.  I'm NOT a fan of what Christmas has become in our society.     
This year, I'm determined to drop the stress of society's expectations and try to embrace the little moments.
It's the little moments with family and friends that matter.
It IS a Wonderful Life.  Let's enjoy it!

Loved our time with the kids and the EX-tended family.  :)

If I had spoken

Our church has a Thanksgiving service each year when they allow the folks in the audience to stand up and speak briefly about things they are thankful for.   Every year I have a million things I could share... if I wasn't terrified about speaking in front of people.

The obvious blessing this year has been getting to know Greg.  

If I had stood up and mentioned that I was in love with a good man.... it would have sounded as though my life were finally 'fixed' because I met a guy.  

But it is SO much more than that.

Last spring I was compelled to sit down with Greg and share my 'story' with him.  

The theme of my story is that God has been my Provider.   

As a young wife and mother, as a widow, as a single mom.... God has continually provided.   I can look back at months and years,and even specific days and circumstances, in which God's provision materialized perfectly.      This happened most often through the people that God placed in our lives. People either stayed, or came and went... but I could see how God used them in my life at just the right time.

So this thanksgiving when I want to shout about how happy I am ...  (because yes, I am SO in love).... I pause.... and remember that my happiness is not rooted in man.  

It is God's provision and perfect timing that I am most thankful for.     

God's timing is always right, every time.    

My story is still being written.

Ecclesiastes 3:11

He has made everything beautiful in its time.  He has also set eternity in the human heart; yet no one can fathom what God has done from beginning to end.

thankfully emotional

I just re-read A Grace Disguised by Jerry Sittser.    I am not one to read often.  And I am totally not one to re-read a book.   But there are several 'sad' books that I have read several times.
Books that recall the pain of loss- and the grace that overflows in the aftermath.   These particular books bring me back to my initial cries of loss.
I suppose you'd call it cathartic.  I believe it's good for me.

I'm wondering....Is it possible to get comfortable with sadness?    There is a familiarity in the sadness that is intriguing to me.    I am called back over and over to recollect my time following Thayer's quick departure.   Those moments, days, months, years following his death... those were many of the closest moments that I have shared with God.   No doubt, completely devastating moments... yet they were when God's presence was most vivid.     Do I fall back on my 'sad' books so that I can remember what God is teaching me?

I feel like I whine too much.  Especially through type.

This coming month, our pastor has challenged us to take a picture--each day-- of something we are thankful for.  I'm pretty stoked about this project.  And I will probably steal my friend's idea and post the pics on my blog.  (thanks for the idea, Lyn!) :)

Looking back on September and October.  My favorite months!  Tons of things to be thankful for.  These are things that make my heart sing.
Just as a preview of what's to come in November.... here are some thankful moments from the past two months~

Celebrating L's birthday at Great Wolf Lodge

officially a teenager!

I love watching my kids with their cousin :)

a night at the corn maze with friends

loved watching the boys at Layman's farms

corn maze fun

pumpkins, family and friends!

from the ashes

I was out with some of my 'widow friends' tonight.  (I know we should come up with a happier name for ourselves...and make t-shirts... or get matching tattoos... or something...)
We attempt to get together every month, and usually the attendees vary by month.
Tonight, five of us managed to stroll around downtown and discover some new places. 

On the way home, I was trying to wrap my head around our little group.    I was feeling blessed in the fact that God has placed each of these women in my life.  
We are an eclectic group. 
I'm sure they would all agree that we never would have met each other if our husbands were still living.
God brought us together through terrible circumstances.  Yet my life if richer and blessed through these women.    Several of them have become staples in my life.

Dare I say that this is something good that has come from death?

I remember when Thayer died, I told myself that God would make something good come out of it all.  I had no idea how He was going to pull that off.  Because nothing can be good about losing a husband and father.

I know that as time passes and as good things, and blessings, unfold in our lives it will be hard to process.  
Having Thayer here and alive sounds like the best possible scenario.  But since that's not happening... I need to lean on the fact that God does have a plan for us.    I want to notice... and be encouraged... when I see God working in the little details of our lives.

Tonight I am thankful for the friendships that have sprung from the ashes...

thanksgiving and prayer

I'm currently reading one thousand gifts: A Dare to Live Fully Right Where You Are,by Ann Voskamp.  I was told that it was a wonderful book.  And so far, I've enjoyed it.  I'm on page 117 and I'm waiting for the 'aha' moment.   So far, I can see that she is really thankful, has found the joy in being thankful in all circumstances.... and she uses a ton of super descriptive words to describe her surroundings and her thankfulness.   She is really good at putting pen to paper and bringing life to the mundane.   Page after page, repetition of those thoughts.  I'm kinda waiting for what she's gettin' at.  Perhaps I'm missing something profound?

So far... this book hasn't shed any amazing light on any particular thing I am lacking in my life.  (other than the fact that I could really work on my descriptive writing)

When I stop to think about my daily thanksgiving.... I've decided that I'm doing a good job of being thankful.  Of course, I'm sure that I overlook a zillion things each day, but overall... I tend to be a 'glass half full' kind of person.   I feel that I am in constant chit chat with God and I often look for things to be thankful for, even in crappy situations.  

This book, as well as a sermon series at church (well... the one sermon I heard), has made me question my prayer life as well.   I'm totally not the best at 'sit down, bow your head' kind of prayer. And I'm totally not good at 'public' prayers.... because I don't say 'father God" after every two words.  (but that's another soapbox of mine)
I feel that I chat with God throughout the day.  He knows my thoughts, after all.  

After Lucas broke his arm, I wondered if I had prayed through that situation correctly.    I prayed over Lucas on the way to the hospital... but honestly... once we got there.... I forgot all about praying.  We were just going through the motions of hospital stuff.
Upon returning home...I thought to myself that a "good Christian" would have prayed through it all.  Prayed over the hospital bed, prayed over the doctors, etc.  
Eh.  I didn't.   Yet somehow, Lucas still received good care.
I feel that my single prayer covered what needed to be said.  right?  God knew the desires of my heart.

But then I think about my friend who prayed and prayed over her husband... and he died.    God answered her prayer... but not the way she had desired. 

so... prayer, in general??
God's got the plan.  He has our days numbered.  nothing is a surprise to him,etc, etc.
So why are so many of our prayers worded in ways that we think God will change His mind or change an outcome?  Isn't He just gonna do what was planned all along? 

We often pray for "God's will be done".  But do we realize how powerful that statement is? 

For my thoughts are not your thoughts,
neither are your ways my ways,”
declares the Lord.
"As the heavens are higher than the earth,
so are my ways higher than your ways
and my thoughts than your thoughts."
Isaiah 55:8-9

In other words.... buckle up, hold on.
And Be thankful...for this is God's will....

give thanks in all circumstances; for this is God’s will for you in Christ Jesus.
1 Thessalonians 5:18

thankful

I woke up to read a barrage of "I'm thankful for"s on Facebook today.  
I've got to admit I was a little grouchy about the whole thing.  Why wait until one specific day to blabber on and on about how much you love your family? 
Yes, we know your kids are a blessing and your husband is the most wonderful thing to walk the planet.
I get that. 
(and you should be telling your husband that EVERY day!)

I'm thankful for alot of things too.
I just wasn't sure I could update my facebook status to explain how I am thankful.

Luckily, I read this blog... and a contributing gal, Jackie Chandler, seemed to echo my own thoughts.  Here's what she had to say:

The unthankful heart discovers no mercies; but the thankful heart will find, in every hour, some heavenly blessings.

-- Henry Ward Beecher

I have found that at times, I am a whiny, ungrateful little sap. I moan at life's injustice and cry out at the lot I have been given. I beat my fists against fate and want to scream when I hear "It happened for a reason". What the hell reason could it be that I had to lose my love so early? What reason is there that my children have to go to bed without their daddy's furry kiss?


But this quote and a few others like it help me to remember that perhaps there isn't a "reason" but a blessing for all things.


I am not blessed that Jeff is gone. But I am stronger, more empathetic and kinder since losing such a huge piece of my heart and life. And I am thankful for this....


I am thankful for my community and friends who support me with their love and generosity, reminding me that I am not alone.


I am thankful for the other widows I know and continue to meet for although we are all broken, we all seem to share a wicked sense of humour and an understanding of the truly important things in life.


I am thankful for every day that I am able to spend holding our small children's hands for I could have been the one who died.


I am thankful for the love he gave me and memories I have stored in my heart available when I need him close. It is NOT the same as having him here, but I am thankful that I did for a time.


And I am thankful for the opportunity to learn, grow and become who I am.

Yeah, she covers it all. 
Alot of my situation sucks.... and I'm missing Thayer tonight.
But as I count my blessings, I have many.

friends

I'm well overdue for a blog.
I've been working on a spicy post about my upcoming hysterectomy but I just can't seem to get all of my thoughts in one place.   I'm pretty sure I'll have some time after the surgery to bless you with all of the gory details.   Stay tuned!  ;)

But tonight, I just wanted to rave a bit about my friends :)

I am super blessed to have amazing friends.   

I've been pondering the people who choose to hang out with me.



-I've got friends that have been around a long time, the ones that I can spend the weekend in their home and make myself a part of their family (whether they like it or not) ;)
-I've got friends who can sit in my yard and talk for hours.
-I've got  friends who actively pursue time with me, make me and my boys a part of their lives and love us well.
-I've got friends who are my sisters, literally.  ;)
-I've got friends who I see infrequently, but we pick up right where we left off.
-I've got friends who I love to have 'girl time' with.
-I've got friends who keep me company on a regular basis and listen to me ramble.
-I've got widow friends who I would have never met under normal circumstances, but I am thrilled that they have come into my life.
My support system is amazing.

So if you fit one of the above descriptions, please know that I appreciate you!   You make my life brighter and keep me sane :)
I am thankful.

thankful

My fabulous friend, Sabrina, hosted a party for me tonight.
A send-off party to wish me well and bless me before I head to Uganda.
It was fabulous.
My family and a few close friends came over and provided a superb meal and fun fellowship, and a little bit of Pictionary mania.
I was showered with goodies to take on my trip and several Bible verses to remind me of God's promises.
I had a lovely evening. It was a wonderful reminder of how fortunate and blessed I am to have such amazing friends and family. I truly am.
These are the folks who have stuck with me through it all. They have seen me in my best moments. And in my worst moments. And somehow they keep coming around.
I am thankful :-)

thanksgiving

I'm thankful for alot.

Wednesday, we had a much needed visit from some marvelous friends.

Yesterday, we slept late. The kids played around the neighborhood and then showed up to assemble the Christmas tree and decorate it. We had discussed skipping a tree this year... but they were in the mood... so I let them have at it.
We had a nice thanksgiving meal at my parent's house, a game of scrabble, followed by a trip to the movies to see Megamind. (Which I REALLY enjoyed!)
We also made an evening trip to Walmart to buy a space heater for our frigorific basement.
Good day, all around.

Today is our first day at home in FOR-EV-ER. My fairytale plan is to hang out around the house all day. Maybe force myself to put out some Christmas decor. Read a little.
But I'm secretly planning a trip to go roller skating if my kids will humor me.

The past few days have been great. But I notice an aching feeling that is hovering just below the surface. The holidays are bitter sweet. I'm enjoying special moments with the kids, but at the same time I take a deep breath as I think about how Thayer is supposed to be here for all of this.

The holiday music is draining. So I have made a "NON Christmas" CD for the car. Avoiding the Christmas music seems to be helping.

I'm currently reading Each Little Bird That Sings by Deborah Wiles. Just in case I didn't have enough stuff to depress me, I chose to read a book written for 8-12 year olds in which death is the main topic. It's about a little girl who lives in a funeral home...
interesting how I'm drawn to these things. Even more interesting how I'm pretty comfortable on a fourth grade reading level. too funny.
I only have a few more chapters to go and I'm hoping that the author will tie it up in a pretty package with a happy ending... but I'm not sure how she'll do it.

Kinda like life. Sometimes we can't see the happy ending, until the end...

ahhh... that was my deep thought for today :)