a decade

everyone else seems to be buzzing about the new year, the past year, and the past decade. So I thought I'd jump on the wagon....

I feel like I've lived a lifetime in the past decade.
Marriage.
cat.
two kids.
5 houses.
stay at home mom.
2 jobs.
death of husband.
single mom.

and those are just the biggies.
all of that jam packed in with all of the other little stressors of life. So much can happen in just a short amount of time.

I was super encouraged by a friend this week who stopped by for a visit. Her story has always brought me hope. She is such a cool gal and I've watched from the distance as God has worked a beautiful plan for her life. In a matter of years, she endured a divorce, a move, a new job... all while being a single mother to three young boys. She remarried about a year and a half ago. And when she showed up at my door the other day.... she is pregnant!!! :-)
I'm sure that 10 years ago she never ever imagined that she would be where she is today. I am SO happy for her!
And she is proof that ALOT can happen in 10 years.

No telling what the next 10 years will look like for the boys and I.
The last 10 years have been a wild ride.
One of our favorite sayings in our house is "never say never".... because anything can happen.
So I guess we better fasten our seatbelts and hold on tight!

Christmas update

(Okay. So I'm probably long overdue for a blog post. I usually have composed a bit of my thoughts prior to typing them... but I've got nothing this time. Let's see how I can recap the last few days.)

Christmas came and went. And I am so glad that it went.
I have learned that Christmas can be a very lonely time.

(We enjoyed quite a bit of snow prior to Christmas. L had a sledding accident that sliced his face open and required ten stitches. But all is well now.)

We had a great road trip down to see Thayer's family.
It's just an odd thing being there,without Thayer. All the cousins and their wives sitting around and being splendidly happy with each other. And then there's me.
And no mention of Thayer... except when I briefly brought up the subject of his absense with his Granny. I know it's painful for her to think about everyone that she misses but I didn't want the holiday to go by without mention of our mutual loss.

At times I feel SO selfish for being lonely at these times. For goodness sakes, I've got my kids, and family, and friends that are constantly around me.
And there I was, in the house of a lonely widowed 87 year old who has endured the death of a daugher, a husband and a grandson. What right do I have to feel sorry for myself?
But I do.

Upon returning home I was blessed to have friends stay at our house over Christmas. My lovely friend,Cathy, her husband and their beautiful new baby came to stay for a few days. (I wish they would have stayed longer!) I really enjoyed their company.

Christmas day was the usual. Brunch at my sister's house and dinner at my Aunt's house. And I was blessed with a nap in between. nice.

I have been fortunate to have been busy over the past week. But the Christmas routines were laced with thoughts of Thayer. I held myself together pretty well but many aspects of our Christmas celebrations were very difficult for me. Many nights, I have cried myself to sleep.

To top off my great mood, there was a speaker at church on Sunday that reminded me of the obvious. He restated the fact that your 'heart' is reflected in your immediate response to a situation. That truth is always so convicting to me.
I am reminded that I am a dirty, angry person.
The tragic thing is... my heart is always revealed to my kids. They get to see the real me. When I get pushed, my heart reaction is to curse or yell. Ugly, just ugly.
Makes me wonder why Jesus sticks around with me. I am so undeserving of His love. I guess that's what makes Grace so amazing. :-) REALLY amazing.
I need to stop crowding my heart with other stuff and make more room for Jesus to do his work...

anywho.

We watched Bridge to Terabithia last night. I got in another good cry while L laughed at me and questioned what was wrong with me.
I don't think that either boy wants to admit that they are sad too.

perhaps there is alot wrong with me.
and I'm not typing this stuff to evoke pity.

I'm just sayin'.

no longer "room mom" material

I'm grumpy tonight.
Perhaps I'm just tired from my awesome trip to the Andrew Peterson concert. It was lovely and I had a great time with my friend Donna. I love getting away and having road trips... but I find that re-entry to normal life is usually tough.

Immediately upon my return this evening I was greeted with an email from L's teacher...requesting 85 juice boxes for tomorrow's school party. (which is fine...)
But- The last activity that I did before I left town was make dough ornaments for the same class...on short notice.
anywho. I packed up the kids this evening and headed to Walmart.
Easy enough. Grab juice boxes and a few ingredients for a potluck on Saturday and I'd feel accomplished.
Little did I remember- that when there is even a slight whisper of snow in the forecast that the entire metropolitan area must go to the grocery store to stock up on milk, eggs and canned goods. Oh, and while you're there... finish your Christmas shopping too because we might be snowed in for the rest of the week.
uh-huh.

Stood in the check-out line for 35 minutes.

Meanwhile, Daniel mentions that when I sent extra party money to his teacher, her response was, "I thought your mom was going to use this" (as in... I was probably supposed to buy party food)
Sure. Let me know this LAST week and I'd make sure I had things in order before I left town.
I must have missed the memo.

so. here is my conclusion. I am no longer suitable for room mom. Much less 'grade level' mom.
I can remember when I'd be super excited to help out, and go out of my way to organize things.
But as a single mom, this just ain't happening.
If I'm required to run specific errands or organize something, I need a plan... some notice... some warning.

My foul mood could all be related to my growing dislike of the commercialization of Christmas.
Bah-humbug!

quick rant

okay. So I've prided myself in keeping Christmas really simple this year. The bare minimum and nothing more. I'm done with gift buying but I have a few cards to send to out of state relatives. and then that's it.

I picked up several gift cards today in order to finish my shopping list. My regular ol' ink pen didn't write so well on the shiny surface of the little gift card sleeve so I wrote some names with my nifty scrapbooking pen. Imagine my horror, several minutes later-mind you, when I insert the gift cards and then notice the ink smeared all over the sleeves.
Irritation!!!!
I can now picture my afternoon tomorrow as I revisit the restaurants to retrieve new little sleeves.
And just when I think I've got it all together....
I've turned into just another headless chicken.

pulling myself together

alrighty. so the past two days have been better. I am slowly pulling myself out of the pit.
And it helps, of course, that family and friends have been keeping me happily occupied with other things.
This coming week is packed with things to do so I should continue on my upward climb.
I've got church, shopping, movie, lunch date, play date, a road trip and a concert to look forward to over the next few days.
yay!

here goes. let me try to sort a few things out.

I have been really down and out the past few days. Feeling fresh back into my grief for Thayer. Feeling SO lonely and really missing him. I've had moments of anxiety that I haven't felt in a long time.
Alot of this could be seasonal blues. I hear that the holidays can be especially hard on single parents and recently widowed people. No doubt.

My unpaid therapist, Elaine, mentioned that it might have something to do with my recent break-up.
who would have thunk?
This is what came up briefly in our mini morning session:
I am having to adjust to being alone again. Before boyfriend, I had dealt well with my singleness and I was adjusting pretty well to being alone. Then... I was spoiled by having company and being happily distracted. It was great to know that I could love again. Fun times.
And now, well, back to square one.
I am being thrown back into solitude again.

I am faced with my irritation that this is not how it's supposed to be!
I've been frustrated with Thayer... because if he was here, I wouldn't have to worry about dating and break-ups and being alone. There have been lot of moments when I think, "I wish Thayer were here to talk through this with me... but if he WERE here... I wouldn't HAVE these troubles!"

The past few days, I've felt guilty for being "down". If I had my priorities straight, I would be content at where I am, Who I am.
But honestly, I'm not content right now. Is it so wrong that I long for companionship?
I'm torn when I think about God saying, "It is not good for man to be alone"(gen 2:18) and then, in 1 Corinthians, Paul talks about the benefits of being single! (but he also encourages widows to marry if they can't control themselves) hehe.
So... what's it supposed to be?!

I know that ultimately I need to find contentment in my singleness, so that's what I'm praying for.

Sadly, the prayers don't make this season any easier. I'm still lonely and Christmas music still makes me cry.
But this too shall pass.

To quote a very wise blogger :
"please don't interpret these words as a plea for pity.... My blog is my Public Brain, and sometimes peeking in here is a little dark and spooky. But it's how I process a lot of things, and in some weird way it helps me cope with how I'm feeling right now".

All of this to say... Dad, I'll be okay! ;)

They told me not to....

yep. After Thayer died, I was instructed by countless people that I should not watch the movie P.S. I Love You.
So of course when I ran across it at Blockbuster today, I HAD to rent it.
I knew that it would be a "crying movie" so I was prepared with my box of tissues.
And yes, I just cried for the last 127 minutes. And not just a few tears... I'm talking burning cheeks and loud weeping.
It was a great movie.

I must admit that I was a little jealous of the fact that the main character, Holly, was able to lose herself in her grief for a while. She was able to lock herself up in her apartment, make a huge mess, wear her husband's clothes and sing sad movie songs.
I never had that luxury to completely shut off.
(well... those of you who see me on a daily basis would probably say that I was "shut off" for much of last year) :)
But really... after Thayer died, I still had to get up in the mornings and tend to the kids. There wasn't much opportunity to sit around and be pathetic. And in SO many ways, I am thankful for my boys because they give me reason to keep going.

I am super thankful for all of the happy distractions I have had over the past year. There have been days and months where I haven't felt the least bit sad. I've experienced great joy and excitement. I've got great hope for my future!

But there are also times when I get tired of holding it together. And I want to be able to tell myself that it's okay if I cry in random places at random times. I'm not super woman... and it's hard trying to be.

I can relate to Holly when she says, "this wonderful man happens to me and then he died. What was the point? I'm alone, and it doesn't matter what job I have or what I do, or what I don't do, or what friends I have, he's not here. I mean you're alone no matter what".

But, in response, Holly's mother says, "alone or not.. you gotta walk ahead.”

So. yep. That's what I'm gonna do.

music of choice

I caught a bit of some "cops" show on tv the other night. The "accused" people and the cops kept using the term "drug of choice". I thought that phrase was a bit odd...especially the way they kept saying it. It almost made their "choice" of herion or crack seem normal.

And... this post is probably completely unrelated to that show... except when I started to type, I instantly thought that "music of choice" could somehow have the same effects as a "drug of choice". hmmm..

anywho. here goes.

I know that I have blogged about my thoughts on music before... but I seem to need to remind myself once in a while.
Like many folks, I tend to dip my ears into Christian music as well as some tame secular stuff.
I spent a short time in the "top 40" music recently... but that wore off pretty quickly. Most of that stuff is just litter for the brain.

Here is what I see every time I wade in secular music for too long:
I notice that I am listening to, and singing about, totally unimportant things! After a while, songs become way too sad (especially after being dumped by your boysfriend) or the lyrics slowly seep in and distort the Truth.

I've even been pretty down about the secular Christmas music! (and I've never even termed Christmas music as secular until now)
If you notice the lyrics... they are all about "all I want for Christmas is..", "please come home for Christmas", "Blue Christmas", "White Christmas", "Last Christmas..."
SO many songs about "what I want and what I miss and what I need to have". How freakin' selfish.

Then, what a breath of fresh air when I switch to an uplifting radio station or a decent CD.
Instantly, I am reminded of what is important in life. I'm instantly given a big hug by my Best Buddy as if He's saying... "welcome back! enjoy the tunes!" My singing instantly becomes an expression of outward praise and love of my God... and no longer filled with selfish desires and pointless lyrics.

I know that I learn this lesson over and over and over and over. But I am always SO happy to get focused again and fill my head with the good stuff.
Now if only I can remember this when I'm tempted by Lady Gaga or Soulja Boy :-)

What's your "music of choice"?

driving award *

I received my FIRST driving award* today!
I was awarded shortly after crossing the border into North Carolina.**
The trooper notified me that the speed limit had lowered upon entering his lovely state.
OOPS.

I've known that this day was coming sooner or later. And I knew it would be well deserved when the time came.

Sure... $160 fine. But technially... that's only $10 for each of the past 16 years that I've gone unnoticed.

so...

"Yes officer... Thank you".


*Thayer gave us the term "driving award"
** The kids thought we were in a "police chase" when I was being pulled over! haha

On being dumped

Well. I've never had a "boyfriend" before (besides Thayer)... so I've never had the experience of being dumped... until tonight.
I've seen it coming all month so I'm not too shocked by the ending.

Did any of you see that movie He's Just Not That Into You?
I remember watching that movie and thinking about how stupid people can be. Why would you give much thought to someone that doesn't even call you?
One of the lessons in the movie was "if he's not calling you... he's just not that into you".
I knew this fact all along... but somehow when you love someone, you hold onto the hope that maybe, just maybe, there is more to the story and that he'll actually call and everyone will live happily ever after.
But... the movie lesson IS true whether we want to admit it or not.
He didn't call... and he's not that into me.

After several days of no communication, I finally got to speak with Jared in person. The conversation lasted about an hour and reminded me in many ways of "movie break-ups".
I won't go into details... but it seemed as though he was saying "It's not you, it's me".
Ha.
Sure.

This is what I think he meant:-)

I do respect that he has his own life to deal with and that the thought of me and two children is just way too much for his plate right now.
The thought of me and two kids should be about enough to frighten any bachelor.
And that's fair. I can't expect any single man to drop everything for an instant family unless he is sure of himself. And I am very relieved to know about Jared's doubts before the relationship went any farther.
I am relieved that I know where he stands and that I don't have to sit by the phone waiting for a call.

I'll admit that there is hurt involved as well. And that it really sucks being rejected.
But honestly, after all I have been through...I'll just chalk this up to a learning experience and keep on truckin'.
I know the best that God has planned for me is still to come. Bring it on.

Thankful

Tonight, L decided that we should pray about things we are thankful for.
He pretty much summed it up on one sentence:

"I am thankful for everyone and everything in the whole world except lava, death and sharks."

Amen.
:-)

IF i had spoken at church today...

Our Thanksgiving service at church allows people to stand up and talk about what they are thankful for. The longer I waited into the service, I felt like my "thankful story" was pretty much a repeat of others... so I didn't speak. And, the fact that I am certainly not a public speaker probably hindered me as well :-)
So... IF i had spoken today... this is what I would have said:

It's been 15 months since my husband, Thayer, died. I have experienced the lowest of lows and oddly enough the highest of highs as well. I am So thankful for the tremendous love and support that folks have given us... and continue to give. I am super thankful for my family and friends. Those who have stood by us through it all. And I am most thankful for God's Grace... and the HOPE that He has given me. God has taught me lots of things this past year and I am thankful for the things he will continue to teach me in the years to come.

(wow. that kind of sounds like some kind of boxed speech... but it's what I was thinking...)

so... what would YOU have said at church today?? send me a comment :-)

Thankistmas

I think that there should be a new holiday. Thankistmas.
It is a new combination of Thanksgiving and Christmas. It appears that the two have been morphed this year.
It all started with the Christmas music on the radio all last week. Come on! It's not even Thanksgiving yet!
Then, my friend went ahead and decorated her Christmas tree last week. It's right in her living room amidst the pilgrims.
At first, I teased and grumbled.
And today.... I joined the mob and put up our tree. Actually, the boys asked to do it and I caved in.
Just to "stick it to the man" I decided to keep Christmas confined to our basement this year. I thought if I stuck the tree down there... that I wouldn't have to look at it and I could continue with my bah-humbug attitude. But as it turns out...I actually like it down there! It's set up next to the fireplace and everything looks cozy when the lights are off and the tree is a-glow and the fire is flickering. Aahhhh.... kind of like Christmas.
I assume that my compromise for Thankistmas will be: Christmas in the basement and Thanksgiving upstairs. For now.
After Thanksgiving, anything goes. :-)

enough is enough

okay. So I've decided to actually start parenting again... after a 15 month free-for-all.
I've watched all three of us barrel downhill since Thayer's death and I need to put a stop to it.
I had a good little meltdown the other night.
Jared talked me down and encouraged me (more than he knows).

So... this week...I have decided to "ground" all three of us.
Well... the kids are having lots of quiet time in their rooms and I'm confined to the house to keep watch... and work on being consistent and firm and pleasant. :)
They are supposed to be thinking about using their manners and being polite to kids and adults.
I've even designed a few "worksheets" to help them focus on how they need to behave at home and in public.
I'm not sure anything is actually being accomplished... but I am sure enjoying the quiet!! Things tend to be way more peaceful when the two of them are apart.

Today is our second day at home and I am exhausted!! Two more days of this "boot camp" and I'll be enjoying a night on the town with the ladies and some vampires. That's all the motivation I need. :-)

thankful for...

I've decided to update my facebook status, each day in the month of November, to reflect on something I am thankful for.
This morning the only thing I could think of was "the big cats at the zoo".
Go figure.

But this afternoon, I must say that I am truly thankful for Riley at Lynchburg Nissan :-)
Thanks again,Riley!!

trouble with the obvious

It took a sunset to remind me.

Rewind...
The past two weeks, I have been "going" non-stop. Lots of entertainment, lots of driving around, lots of visiting. ALL good stuff... but probably way too much of it at once.

This weekend was to be my time of relaxation. I took the boys to Comfort Zone Camp and headed to Williamsburg with some gals. It was a great weekend of car alarms and shopping. I am so thankful for the time away! Thanks Regina!!

But unfortunately, I let my brain work on overload this weekend.
When I was dropping the kids off at CZC I was SO excited for them but I had "a moment" where I thought to myself... "this isn't the kind of camp kids should need to go to." Whoever thought we'd be excited about a camp for grieving kids. ugh.

While in Williamsburg, my mind tended to dwell on the insecurities that I have as a single mom... and other insecurities that I have with my current relationships.

Luckily, I got a grip on myself and headed back to pick up the boys from camp. My grip slipped as I sat through a service where 60+ children were encouraged to speak about their deceased loved ones. Wow. I found myself back at the bottom in disbelief and heartbreak for those kids. I cried as the campers shared simple memories and dedicated songs.

My boys were SO exhausted from the weekend that they slept the entire way home. My british speaking GPS girl insisted on taking me home through the back roads... and I didn't argue with her... since it was such a beautiful day.

That two hour trip was the most relaxing time of the past two weeks. The most beautiful countryside was illiminated by the most gorgeous sunset throughout my entire drive. (A perfect day for a motorcycle ride).
During those moments... while the clouds were stretched in amazing swirls, I was reminded of how small I am.

It took a sunset to remind me... that no matter how depressing my circumstances are.. no matter how overwhelmed I let myself become... that God is WAY bigger than that.
The obvious.

"I do believe; help me overcome my unbelief!"
Mark 9:24

young widows group

that sounds morbid.
But hey. I'm very excited about starting a ladies night for young widows. I'm aiming to get a bunch of us together for casual girl talk and fun.
So... if you know of any young widows...under the age of 45... let me know.
I'm hoping to have our first get-together in early December.
thanks!

fall overload

It's beautiful outside. I love fall. even the cloudy days.

I have overscheduled my life this week but I'm certain things will work out. In fact, I must be so certain that things will work out that I decided not to function... again today. I managed to balance my checkbook and then I laid on the couch to read. I took a glorious nap, for all of five minutes, before the kids came home.
We are on our way to Kids Haven tonight. I'm looking forward to a hot meal. I am freezing today!

I'm in the process of planning food for four parties this week. And who knew that it's actually easy... once you pick up the phone and delegate. (yeah, I shouldn't omit that I telephoned 10 people today about school parties. that was a blast.)

I'm really into my Good Grief Book but it has thrown me back into a bit of pouty grieving. I cried myself to sleep last night. I need that once in a while. I like to remember where I've been and where God has brought me.
I miss Thayer.

Then, to top that... I am loving jared. So of course, I'm probably a mental case dealing with death and love simultaneously.
I know that Thayer isn't around and that it's perfectly fine for me to date and be happy. I hope everyone else can agree with me at this point?

Lately, I've been thinking about Thayer and realizing that Jared is WAY different. But who's comparing?? (probably everyone...)

But really...Jared is supposed to be different. I'm not looking for a replacement.
I'm just really tickled that God has sent someone along that intrigues me. So much about Jared is new and exciting for me. I'm really excited about getting to know him. He's a great guy. I hope he sticks around. :-)

the day of funk

I have one day just about every month... when I'm in a funk. Today is the day. I was anxious to get home to my filthy house... so I could ignore my chores and curl up in bed. This day wasn't as productive as last month's funk day. I think I managed to sleep for a few hours last month. But today, the phone rang 6 times within an hour. (and I'm happy for the friends who called... but I'm not sure why the phone company wanted to chat at 3:30 in the afternoon.)

so... I've started reading a new book, Good Grief, written by Lolly Winston. (Thanks to Melissa for passing it along!)
I am only a couple of chapters into the book but I'm already loving it!! It's a fictional book about a young widow. So far, the character is "right on". I can totally relate to the attitude and thoughts of this gal. I'm anxious to see how the book follows her time of grieving.

In the book, a grief counselor explains, "The death of a loved one isn't really something you ever get over, Instead, one morning you wake up and it's not the first thing you think of."
The character in the book can't imagine when that morning will ever come to her house.
But it's encouraging to know that it HAS come to our house.

I generally wake up happy and content. My first thoughts usually include a prayer, Bible reading, thoughts of Jared (who continues to sweep me off of my feet), and thoughts of what needs to be accomplished that day. I can't recall a recent morning in which I immediately thought about Thayer's death or being a widow. It seems like I've settled into my "widow" role and it doesn't sound so far-fetched anymore. I guess you'd call that "acceptance". Thayer would say.. "it is what it is".

BUT... I am still taken by surprise sometimes...
I was at the mall the other day. The song From This Moment, which was sung at our wedding, played in the background. I was caught panicked, short of breath, and instantly teared up. Wow. An intense grief burst that I wouldn't have expected.

Not sure why I went off on such a tangent from my "funk day"... but I'm glad to have gotten some of these thoughts out.

anywho... back to the funk...
I suppose I should call the kids in from the woods and fix some dinner. Tonight, we will feast on "P" foods.... Popcorn, Pineapple and Pringles. I might even throw in some Pink milk as a nutritional bonus.

For Jared...

and for Lisa too!! ;)

It's actually possible!

There is an amazing corn maze at Layman Family Farms that we have visited for the past two years.
Last year- Cathy and I wandered aimlessly through the corn while my kids were hopelessly lost with another group of people.
This past weekend- my sister, my boys and I were completely lost in the maze for about an hour and a half before we had to be ushered out by "corn cops" close to closing time. (I think we came upon scarecrow clue #5 about 5 times!)

(and btw... going at night is the best! take your flashlights!)

I am pretty certain that the maze is designed so that you will get lost. Everyone seemed to be lost! When the corn folks came to escort us out... they were escorting out hordes of people. seriously.

so... I arranged to have a date night with J in the corn maze. He seemed confident that he could get through the maze with little trouble. And I... knowing that it was hopeless... was looking forward to being lost and teasing him about it.

But... lo and behold... that man dominated the maze!! I am super impressed!! He held that teeny map and just walked through! There was only a brief period of time when he seemed to lose confidence... but we found the next clue and he was on a roll! I am super proud to know such a navigational genius :-) I feel like I'm in good hands. :-)

Now... knowing that the maze can be conquered... we will all have to rise to the occasion next year!
Good Luck!

every day is halloween.

I am sitting on the porch watching a gladiator and a swamp creature play in my yard.
I... once again... have given in and purchased halloween costumes for the boys. I'm not sure why I give in to this temptation year after year... especially since the voice in my head says that I never remember having store bought costumes as a kid. Spending the ridiculous amounts of money on these flimsy little costumes seems so much easier than actually trying to be creative.
So... here we are.

I've decided that the boys will be required to wear these suits DAILY until they are outgrown. That way, I'll feel a little better about the investment.
There is no reason to wait until Halloween to partake in the costumes. Heck... if they didn't have a dress code at school, I'm pretty sure that I would send them to school in their Halloween attire.

Luckily, at Halloween time, their school has a costume day where they are allowed to dress like their "favorite storybook character". In past years, I would try to come up with real storybook characters... but then that would involve having TWO costumes!!
Then I realized that I could manipulate the rules to be easier for me:
We'll be going to the library ASAP to dig up SOME kind of storybook that is about a gladiator and a swamp creature. I'm really hoping that there is a Scooby Doo book out there that will cover the Swamp Creature. And I'm not too sure about the gladiator... but I'll come up with something. :-)

Happy Days!!
I love October!!

my gorilla child

well. He's far from gorilla stage. He's pretty much average in height and weight. But the other night, I went to cover him up in bed and he looked like a curled up mass of kid.
He had a birthday today. Geez... where does the time go? Looking back, I am SO glad that I invested time at home with him... because now, he is into friends and other things. Mom doesn't fit into his cool list anymore. I'm okay with that because I enjoy watching him make his own way.
anywho.
He's almost to the age where I usually consider kids to be pretty cool and independent. I'm realizing that I need to expect more from him. He is quite capable of alot of things...but I think I'm too impatient to give him more responsibility.
I'm looking forward to the day when he weighs enough to use the riding mower. But... apparently.... if two siblings sit together on a mower, they weigh enough. They had practice at Papa's the other day.
Good to know.

(and...wow... if that wasn't the most random blog, I dunno...)
happy wednesday!

Where to start?

I don't understand how I can go for weeks and not really have a blogable moment... and then I have about four at once. It might have something to do with the fact that my boyfriend has been busy for a few days... and I've had some time to think about other things. go figure.

but seriously.... where to start. I think I'll start with the most recent thought and then I'll backtrack over the next few days. Check back to read about my gorilla child... the book I'm currently reading... and my opportunity to serve.

Okay... topic number one:
Stuff.

I went downstairs to file some papers. (yes, I still have "papers" and I still use an actual filing cabinet!)
As I opened the drawer, my eyes fell upon various folders that Thayer had created to keep lots of his job possibilities, old job info, plans for things, etc. etc. Wow. That guy kept everything!!
I realized that it is ALL trash. A dead man's old plans and papers. It's nothing that I would need, or my kids, or his family. It's just trash.
I even thought that the three drawer filing cabinet was a bit too much for me...and that I should probably downsize.
I was immediately saddened.

I am reminded of how a friend at work described... that after her mother's death, everything that was left of her worldly possesions fit into a small shoe box.
So true.
When we are dead and gone... the "stuff" doesn't matter anymore.

I'm almost to the point where I may be motivated to clean out my basement... because the boys want a space to roller blade indoors. I know that once I organize the useful things... that a majority of the "stuff" will be thrown out.
I know I will have some painful moments as I toss alot of thayer's stuff out. But it's not the stuff that matters... it's the quality of the life that matters.

I have been receiving daily emails from an organization called Grief Share.
The daily emails walk a grieving person through the first year of grieving. I just received day 241 (because I didn't know about the organization till a little later)... but... the emails seem to be "right on" with the stages that I've been through. This week, they have talked alot about moving forward. And I feel confirmed that I have been doing well with my future thinking :-)
I know that Thayer is not coming back and that I must continue to move forward with my future.
Interesting enough... I have arrived at the emotional stage that I was TERRIFIED of when I first heard of Thayer's death. I was so scared that he would simply become a "memory". I was scared that years down the road, I would casually refer to him as "my late husband" or "my first husband". I wanted to somehow keep his memory very vivid and present.
But in reality... here I am... adjusting to the fact that he really is just a memory. We have stories to share, videos to watch and pictures to see... but he IS just a memory. I am prayerful that my boys will have good memories and I do my best to talk about Thayer and pass along stories as they come to mind.

Those folders in the filing cabinet seem to be a flashback to another life... seems so long ago.
I miss him.

random...

I just finished reading My Sister's Keeper. No one told me that the book ending is entirely different than the movie ending!!!!
I was simply finishing the book out of obligation... and was totally sideswiped by the unexpected ending!! wow. I was fine and dandy one minute and then weeping uncontrollably the next. I could relate to the author's description of death and I was transported back to my feelings surrounding Thayer's death.
Kind of a bummer evening for me. But it was good to have a nice cry.

more random...
I've been meaning to blog for quite some time but I realize that it's so much easier to blog when I have heavy things weighing on my mind. And since most heavy things are sad... I've been out of material lately... because I am just so darn happy these days. :-)
I am super duper happy with J. He has been a breath of fresh air for the past few months. The kids seem to be happy with school this year and I am really enjoying my preschool mornings. So at this point, I am happy to report that life is grand :-)
But... just like the book... we all know that life will throw in some unexpected surprises. So I'm taking it all as it comes, trying to not take anything for granted.

even more randomness...
I was hanging up boy shirts today and I had a realization that I simply DO things differently than I used to do when thayer was alive. I used to be super anal about organizing shirts in their closets. I would have a section of school clothes, play clothes, long sleeve and short sleeve. That system of organization must have fallen through the cracks. I'm not sure if I decided that there were more important things to worry about after dealing with the death of a spouse... or if I just got overwhelmed with being anal while being a single mom. Either way... alot of the little things in my behavior and habits have changed. I'd like to think it's for the better.
Our closets may be a mess and my toilet may be filthy... but I'd like to think I'm more laid back than I used to be. but I dunno.

just thoughts.

a little something for Lisa and Ivy... :-)

you'll also be happy to know that I just downloaded this song for J's ringtone.... :-)

hehe

I'll call him "J" for now ;)

Jamie, Cathy and I went to see My Sister's Keeper tonight. I'm almost finished reading the book so I thought it would be fun to see the movie.
Another not-so-uplifting night at the movies. :(
Or was it?

Granted... we cried through almost the whole movie. (The lady behind us had to give us tissues!!) It was emotionally draining for me. I cried over a million thoughts that accompanied the movie. I cried about life and death, the thought of losing a child, the real impact of losing Thayer, the impact of illness on families, etc. etc.

But in the midst of the sadness.... the movie caught a glimpse of the prospect of happiness as well. And since we girls like to compare movies to our real lives.... I was excited about my own prospect of happiness.

I have been very happy with J. I have really enjoyed getting to know him.
But when I catch myself giving him sole credit for my happiness, I remind myself that I cannot rely on other people to "make" me happy. That's a tall order that is destined for disappointment. We are merely imperfect humans. I don't think any of us can 'create' happiness for others.
But... we can certainly aspire to uplift and encourage.

The truth is... my happiness is supposed to be rooted in God's love for me. His love should be enough.
And it is.
The exciting thought is... I consider all of my happiness that is evoked by J to be a MAJOR added bonus. J has been encouraging and lovely in every way. I am so thankful that God has sent him my way.

I'm feeling extra blessed these days. :-)

countdown to New Moon!!

Movie Trailers - Movies Blog

fork in the road

every once in a while, life throws a fork down in the road.
And you've got to choose which direction to go.
Sometimes it's really easy... just pick the road with the flashing lights and arrows from God that say "This way!! This way!!"
And other times, those light bulbs are burned out... or something... and the choice isn't as obvious.
Or...perhaps we have thrown rocks at those light bulbs... trying to extinguish the clear directive from God.
Or... maybe the choice isn't supposed to be clear. Maybe we need to linger on the side of the road for a while and wait for the bus to come.
and... Maybe it's not even a fork afterall. Maybe it's just a converging of two roads and you have to decide the best mode of transportation to get to the destination.
Whatever the case.... I wish it would be easier.

(and honestly... i don't have a clue about what I just typed. I just had to get it out there.) ;p

preschool

so. Preschool has been in session for two days and I am really enjoying this new group of kids.

Comparative to last year, I am already functioning way better and I can't help but think this will be a much more productive year for me.

Following Thayer's death, I was pretty much a walking zombie last year. (atleast I'm pretty sure I was). I can recall showing up to work day after day, running on about 3-4 hours of sleep. I remember how embarrassed I would be when I would start to doze off during Chapel on Mondays. And how I just wouldn't have any energy for the kids. I did the best that I could at the time... but it was just a tough year.

When I do a mental comparison of this year vs. last year.... I am continually reminded that I work with an awesome group of women. They were an amazing encouragement to me throughout the year.
Elaine worked with me on a daily basis and put up with my sleepy stupor. She is always so positive and encouraging... and I know it is no accident that God placed me in her classroom. (haha... she may beg to differ... but I'm really glad I'm there ) :-)

The other women were also amazing. In addition to their supportive words and stories, they provided a meal for us every monday... for months!!! We looked forward to having dinner at our fingertips each week..... it was a HUGE blessing!!

All of these ladies continue to be a blessing to me. I feel that it is such a great opportunity to work alongside such caring and happy people. It means so much to walk into work and be greeted by smiling faces. I believe that this type of work environment is very rare... and I am continually thankful that I am surrounded by these ladies.
:0)

lil' update

The boys and I just had a fabulous weekend visiting some friends...my lovely pregnant friend, her husband, and his brother (who is the current source of my giddiness) :-)
(I'm still trying to figure out what his "blog name" will be...)

anywho.

We all ventured to Kings Dominion on Saturday.
I think I've determined that I'm not really an amusement park type of person. Don't get me wrong... it was fun... and the kids had fun.... but it wasn't something that I could get addicted to. And I was a bit out of place when I looked around and noticed other people actually engaging with their kids and looking HAPPY when they were in a long line. I'm not sure I'm extremely excited to stand in line in anticipation of a 3 minute ride. But some of those families seemed to really be enjoying it.
My boys experienced their first amusement park rides and they enjoyed the water park as well. I think that next time I might actually prance around in my bathing suit and enjoy the water too.

Today, we laid low and enjoyed the holiday.
I'm gearing up to meet my new preschool kids tomorrow morning. I'm excited about a new year with new little friends :-)
busy week ahead-

breathe

I have recently bought the Taylor Swift CD. Amazingly, the whole CD is pretty singable and I have enjoyed singing in my new ride.
One song in particular quickly sets me to thinking about Thayer. I think it's written about a "break-up" but I find that it's pretty suitable in my situation as well.

Check out the Lyrics to "Breathe" here.

or watch...




okay. so... this song summarizes how I'm feeling right now. Sure... I never wanted him to go... he was all I had known for almost 11 years, and this past year could somewhat be compared to a "break-up". "never simple, never easy".
It's been hard to "breathe" but I HAVE to.
and by golly... I WANT to breathe again.

So... here's the deal. First let me say that I, in no way, want to belittle the wonderful impact that Thayer had on our lives. And I don't want anyone to be offended as I continue on with my life. But the fact is... that I NEED to continue on with my life.
Trying to put this tactfully...
I have had recent developments in my social life that have made me downright giddy....
and as I continue with my grief... AND experience a new happiness... I'm just not sure what kind of turn this blog will take.
I know that there is no guarantee that my new "giddiness" will last but I am enjoying it nonetheless. And I would still like you guys to follow me and pray for me through my new adventures....
I'll keep you posted thru better and worse....as always. :-)

I'm just trying to catch my breath.

hip mama

I've finally done it. I've finally joined the rest of America... and purchased a cell phone!! that's right folks... it's unbelievable.
I walked into the Verizon store and said "I need a phone... that calls people".
I refused the blue tooth stuff, the blackberry stuff, the texting stuff, etc. etc. I kept saying "I just need a phone that calls... that's it".
The very patient salesman directed me to the cheapest "calling" phone and then proceeded to answer all of my ignorant questions. The saleman seemed mildly entertained that I didn't have a clue about the cell phone world. I'm glad that I gave him a few chuckles.
He quickly hooked me up with my new leash and I'm as happy as a cougar. :-)
(hehe)
call me and get my new number!!! asap.

the beach scattering

Here's a really delayed update on our time of memorial at the beach with my family:

On August 13th, my Dad took us out to eat at the Boundary House Restaurant in Calabash, NC. He wanted to treat us to a dinner in memory of Thayer. He gave each of us a cutsie little tealight that we lit in honor of Thayer, and we enjoyed a yummy meal.

Afterwards, we headed back to the rental house and proceeded to head out to the beach to scatter the remainder of Thayer's ashes.

I did not fully prep the kids on my expectations (which I now regret) but I was hoping that we could get the job done without too much chaos. I said a brief prayer and then allowed everyone to grab a handful of ashes to scatter in the surf.

To my utter embarrasement, and horror, I turned to see my sister covered in ashes... her face and clothes coated in "thayer". I immediately assumed that L had intentionally thrown a handful at her. I was somewhat humored -but instantly very upset with L... and therefore distracted thru the rest of the process.

* But to my relief, I later learned that he had just spun around as he was tossing the ashes... and with the spin and the direction of the wind.... my lovely sis was just purely unlucky. (something we had joked about just days before) oops.

My sister wasn't the only one to have a sampling of ashes in her face that evening.

My nephew rubbed his eyes with ash covered hands. and my neice had some of it blow into her eyes as well.

(I know that this probably isn't a very tasteful picture... but I think it's funny)
:-)

It was a time of several mixed emotions. I seemed to be in business mode... just wanting to finish the job, the kids were having a field day, some of us were laughing, while others were crying. It was a quick, interesting few moments. I've got to admit that it wasn't similar to the experience that I had shared with Thad and the kids in June. But that's okay! I think Thayer would have laughed at us.... and probably even made comments about what a weird family we are. :-)

I just keep thinking how neat it is that Thayer's ashes have been scattered in the mountains and at the beach. I can't think of anywhere cooler to be scattered. Thayer really enjoyed times in both locations. I am happy that we have been able to return his ashes to the elements.... knowing full well that he is currently whole with Christ.

I miss him dearly but I rejoice in the freedom and peace that he now has.

oh... to be in the presence of Jesus....

101 things that make Jill smile :-)

I compiled this list for some folks on Facebook and I thought that the rest of you might get a kick out of it. I challenge you to make your own lists...it was pretty fun to do :-)

in no particular order:
1. road trips
2.kids in bubble baths
3. boxer briefs/ boxer shorts
4. Thayer
5.Cacti
6. hot showers
7. anything orange
8. cowboys
9. feather pillows
10. buying flowers for myself
11. toenail polish
12 late night conversations
13. Mike's hard pomegranate lemonade
14.pizza
15. Aunt Cindy's soap
16. toothless grins
17. being pursued
18. The Goat Chronicles and those funny folks in Colorado.
19. little blue eyed boys
20.riding shotgun in a truck
21.smiles from angels
22. Pumpkins
23. younger men
24. first day of school
25.October
26. Andrew Peterson
27. new shoes
28. scrapbooks
29. falling in love
30.Halloween
31. singing in the car
32. popcorn and chocolate milk
33. reading in bed
34. new babies
35. snail mail
36. staying out late
37. the warmth of a hug
38. roller skating
39. fresh paint
40. knowing I am loved
41. riding mowers (and singing while riding)
42. songs that get stuck in my head
43. Colorado
44.Starting laundry at 11pm.
45.guy arms
46. riding bikes
47. driving/ hiking on the parkway
48.weddings
49. no curfew
50. thinking about the future.
51.anything to do with pirates
52.watching my favorite movies over and over
53. Body Pump class at the gym
54. The Office!! (starts again on sept. 17th!)
55.remembering the day my babies were born
56. garden flags
57.camping
58.the "slumber party goofiness" that you get when you stay up too late
59. sitting by a campfire
60. hotel rooms
61.view of the mountains
62. AJ at Best Buy
63. the thought of losing weight
64.lunch dates
65. any kind of date
66.outdoor movie night in Lowesville
67. Jared Key
68. the feeling I get after I cut the grass
69.the anticipation of hangin out with friends
70. rental cars
71. blustery fall days
72. trains
73. paper towels
74.warming my feet in hot water
75. "Tip Top Trucking"
76. greeting cards
77.kittens
78. ugly dogs
79. evenings by the ocean
80. phone calls from friends
81. when the kids go to Papa's house
82. a clean house
83. scrapbooking nights
84. hanging out at the elementary school
85.Big Cats at the zoo
86.Cory and Cathy's pictures
87. exploring
88. taking the Loonnnng way home just 'because'
89.hearing stories about myself that I don't remember and asking "was I there?"
90. Vanilla Ice
91. ladies' night
92. smoke bombs
93. people who listen to me
94. Mr. Q
95. my friends
96.Facebook Scrabble
97. Real Scrabble
98.Coleman's punch
99.Iguanas
100.being proud of my kids.
101. Joe Blair

39 years

Today would have been Thayer's 39th birthday. I can't believe that this is the second birthday that he has missed sharing with us.
I still remember icing his birthday cake when the troopers came to the door last year. We ended up throwing the cake away after his birthday came and went. And... I'm pretty sure that I will never be able to eat a German chocolate cake. I get sick just thinking about it. :(

L suggested that we send birthday balloons up to Thayer today. I picked up 6 blue balloons (his favorite color) and the boys, my parents, and I managed to sing a pretty verklempt version of 'happy birthday'. We released the balloons and then headed out for lunch. I refered to it as Thayer's birthday lunch.
(In the past, our family has always taken the birthday person out for dinner).
Lucas had the great idea that we should tell our server that it was Thayer's birthday... but we explained that it would really make the server confused since Thayer wasn't there. whew.

Today is also the one year anniversary of my friend' fiance's death. By late this afternoon, I was drained... and I think it all came at me. Just vaguely thinking about both deaths... and the birthday missed, I needed about an hour to have a little cry and lay around. the kids cleaned the basement while I "had a moment".

unrelated side note:
I hope to post about our beach time and our adventures with scattering the remainder of thayer's ashes. so check back soon....

One year.

It’s been one year since Thayer’s death. In circles of grieving people… everyone seems to talk about the “one year anniversary”. To some people, it evokes a day of sadness and longing. Some people go out and do something fun in honor of their loved one. And some people treat it as just another day.

Not knowing what to expect has made it all kind of a mystery to me.
Sure, we all know that nothing magical happens when that “one year anniversary” hits. We don’t just magically “get over” Thayer’s death and move along with our lives.
Our grieving continues.

But I do realize that this “one year anniversary” is a very bittersweet time for me. I have experienced an array of emotions over the past few days.

I think back on last year, August 16th. One of the best days as a family, and the worst night of my life. I can easily cry a river, just thinking about those moments that lead up to, and followed Thayer’s death.

Losing a spouse is devastating. In an instant, I felt as though my heart had been ripped out of my body. I vaguely remember speaking to the troopers and saying, “what am I gonna do?!” My world fell apart in a second.
It has been the fastest, hardest year of my life. To say that I miss Thayer would be an understatement.

But in a blink of an eye… one year later… amazingly…I’m still here. I may be scarred and broken.... but I'm still here and “living”. I’ve made it through this past year solely by God’s Grace, shown through massive support from family and friends. I’m certainly not “over” Thayer but I am ready to move forward with my new life. Anxiously looking upward and ahead… still wondering what God has in store for me.

I'm praying that it's good stuff. I could certainly use a better year than last...

beach ponderings

It's high tide for a blog update.
I'm currently at the beach.
As for deep thoughts....umm.... they are being absorbed by the close company of my lovely family.

Here's a brief list of things that I have pondered over in my free time:

-Spaghetti.... it's pretty filling. and when you eat several helpings.... your belly expands.
-sugar... it causes lots of gas.
-cars.... I'm deciding on a new one. I know that I should drive my van until it falls apart but it's just not fitting my cool mom vibe that I have established. ;)
-Thayer.... I'm really missing his company and his presence.
(my mom just said that "the only thing we are missing on this beach trip is Thayer") Very true.
-dating... (wow. that'll be another blog.)
-icecream....why is everyone eating it around here?
-legos... they are little.
-shells... they can cut... if you choose to wallow in them or dive into the shoreline.
-Scrabble.... is the best game. ever.
-Facebook... we have way too much time to sit around here and update our statuses.

I couldn't resist

We had a terrific time at the lake today with family. The kids fell asleep on the way home... which led to a really late bedtime. We watched the Incredibles AND L pulled out a tooth.
I was thrilled about the tooth coming out but I was not thrilled with the fact that both boys weren't settling down for bedtime....at 10:20pm!!!! ugh.

So... I had to make the call. I dialed numbers... and this is what my kids heard me say over the phone....

"Hey! how are ya?! This is Jill from (our address)....
YES!! I am so happy that L lost his tooth! isn't that great news?!...
I was wondering if you could hold off on your visit until a night when L is resting like he is supposed to....
yep, maybe tomorrow?...
okay. thanks! I'll let you know...
okay, bye.

D came out of their room like a flash to question my phone conversation. I emphasized that he heard correctly... that the tooth fairy wasn't going to come until another night. He was astonished....and quickly returned to his room to confirm the details to L.

I am all smiles. I crack myself up when I mess with my kids like this.
just another topic for them to talk about with their therapists.
;)

i'm better

Today was MUCH better for me and the boys. :-)

Thanks for your encouraging comments to the previous post!!
I smiled as I realized that I'm certainly not alone in my frustrations. :-)
and some of you are right... I think once our school/work routine starts, things will get back in order. All three of us seem to thrive on routine...

one of those days

I'm ready to spout out some really evil thoughts here. so read at the risk of realizing that I am nuts...
and... there is no need to call or worry about me.... I'm not angry or psychotic (well.. that's probably debatable)... I've just got to get this stuff out of my head...

We didn't get around to cleaning the room today because we ran some errands. I think we ended up spending about 1400 hours at walmart.
We headed home so I could put the kids down for a nap, and so I could chill out.

These kids are driving me absolutely bonkers. I think I kept my cool for most of the day.... but I am just running on empty with my patience, especially for rude and disrespectful punks.

I have recently spent time away from the kids... twice in the last few weeks. I got a grand taste of what it's like to be a "person" again. And I realized that being a person rocks.
Then, I get thrown back to the wolves... the loud, hyper, very physical beings that these boys are.
Today, they were especially hyper... and I'd like to hope it's just readjusting to life after two days with Papa :-)
But with all excuses aside... they are driving me nuts.
Frankly, on days like today... I can understand, and sympathize, with mothers who abandon their children. They made the escape and they are probably enjoying it.

(Now, hold on... I heard your loud gasp... didn't I warn you that this post included evil thoughts?)
Don't worry... I won't be catching the next bus out of town.
But seriously... I could get used to the freedom that people have when kids aren't involved. And on days like today, I miss having thayer here to "take over" after a long day.
I jokingly told a friend the other day that I feel like I have two cinder blocks tied to my feet. Sometimes when I want to fly... they really ground me.
Don't get me wrong... I truly LOVE my kids but they are often very difficult to LIKE.

anywho... I was telling the kids, in a nice mommy way... that I couldn't think of anyone who would enjoy being around them when they are acting crazy. One of them said "Daddy would". and that instantly sent me into the lecture about how "yes, Daddy loved being with you.... but I know that you wouldn't be acting this way if Daddy were here.... I'm really sorry that he's not here...but it doesn't give you the excuse to treat me like this... I feel like you guys are punishing me because Daddy's not here, etc. etc."

I've had this discussion many times before.... and I'm sure that some of you psych majors out there are cringing at some of those statements. I'm sure that there is a better way to get my point across other than telling them that I feel punished.... but heck... I DO feel punished.
I figure that it'll take years of therapy for them to recover from a childhood with me anyway. I might as well give them good material.

so there. that's it.
I feel better now.
:-)

completely random

I feel the urge to share...

I ventured into my boys' room to change their sheets and realized that there is a stinky "boy odor" lurking in their room.
So... the inevitable has come.
I've got a date with my boys and a trash bag today.
please keep my sanity in your prayers.
:-)

thankful

I may not always allude to the fact... but I am thankful.
During the day, I thank God for lots of little things.

I amused myself the other day when I casually thanked God that my skin had been clear for a while.... but the next day I had two zits.

Other folks are thankful for things too:
Some are thankful for marriages... but they end up broken... or end unexpectedly.
Some are thankful for health...but it deteriorates.
Some are thankful for babies...but then there are miscarriages.

The list goes on and on. People are thankful for alot of things and then their hopes and plans are crushed. Many may say, "how can anyone be thankful to a God who allows terrible things to happen?"

I have witnessed folks, in the above situations, who have had very thankful hearts. They looked into the situation and still found something to be thankful for.

I was listening to the song 'Thank You' by 33 Miles today and I thought to myself "How could anyone NOT be thankful?"
They sing, "What if I lost everything that I had, I could smile and somehow still be glad, and say thank you."
It's true. I think that no matter how sucky things get, we all still have SO much to be thankful for. Our lists should be miles long.

(If not miles long, we can atleast grasp at thankfulness for clear skin once in a while.) :)

so... what are you thankful for today??

another one...

today, I sat and watched my youngest, follow his brother off of the diving board. And SWIM!
Another day full of smiles for me :-)
Two kids who can ride bikes... skate... and swim.
just lovely!

the proud parent

A trip to Funquest reminded me what it's like to be a proud parent.

The last time L donned a pair of skates, the clumsy slipping lasted for one trip around the rink and then he gave up.

Tonight, D suggested that L try out rollerblades because D had learned to use them quickly after learning to skate.

To my surprise, L put on the rollerblades and rolled!! I've heard from the kids that the rollerblades were easier to skate with.... but WOW... he was skating instantly. And not simply skating. This kid was bending to touch his toes, hopping, and dancing around the rink! He beamed when he realized that he could do it. And I beamed over the fact that he has learned another one of those "life skills" (like riding a bike). Finally another "big kid" activity that we can do as a family.
I am loving it.

I am always amazed at the boys' fearlessness. They just DO things. (Often not thinking about the consequences, good or bad.) But it also seems like they don't consider the chance of failure. Do kids assume that they will succeed? And if so... when do we loose that optimism?
I would like to think that I am moving ahead with confidence... but I find myself second guessing alot of things. What if I make the wrong decision? What if I fail? What if I'm rejected?
ahhh.... to be a kid again...
I'd love to be able to roll.... and dance again without being afraid of failure.
Isn't that what God would like to see me do?!

11 months

The boys enjoyed swimming lessons, we all had a visit with the dentist today, I went to a scrapbooking event tonight and I just enjoyed a really late night chat with my sister.
I've had a great day.
We've been so busy, I haven't really had time to think about this day... until now.

I happened to replace my bathroom handsoap today.... with my favorite smell from Bath and Body Works, Midnight Pomegranate.
I've used this fragrance of soap for well over a year... but every once in a while, I'll wash my hands and have an accute flashback to those days following Thayer's death. In those first few days, I was only alone if I was in the bathroom. I would often retreat to the bathroom if I needed a moment away from the crowd. I can remember sitting on the toilet and staring at a certain corner in the room... wondering if it was all just a bad dream. I can remember focusing on that particular corner and thinking "this can't be happening... This IS happening."

The soap will still whisper a reminder of those moments. I would wake early, get myself ready for the day and wander around the yard or the house. I remember one morning when I went and sat with my neighbor on her porch, just to grasp at a bit of normalcy.
I can remember getting dressed and ready for a trip to the funeral home, for Thayer's service and for my friend's fiance's funeral.
(wow. How'd I manage two funerals in one week?! God sure held me together, no doubt.)

Gee, I know that we've discussed the importance of smells in the past... but who would think that an everyday handsoap could "take me back" with just a whiff?
interesting stuff.
It's still my favorite soap.

I miss Thayer

I miss having Thayer here to make the decisions.
I miss Thayer telling me to chill out about things.
I miss Thayer telling me to go to bed when it's too late.
I miss Thayer keeping my feet warm.

beach trip #1

We just returned from a much needed vacation to Ocean Isle Beach, NC .... and to visit with Thayer's family in SC. We enjoyed a week and a half of friends, family and fun. yay!!

It's been a bit of an adjustment with re-entry. I miss having the late night Scrabble games, the laughter, the constant company, and Coleman's punch. :)

It was SO nice to kick back with friends at the beach and relax!! Our group consisted of 5 adults and 7 kids. I wasn't quite sure what to expect because I was the only common factor amongst the group. I was THRILLED that my individual friends actually liked each other and we had a terrific time!!

There were only minor break-downs among the children... but largely overall... they played together beautifully.

I couldn't have asked for a better week!

(D and L)

I keep telling myself that we deserve a good summer this year. Don't get me wrong.... most of last summer was amazing... we shared precious moments with Thayer last June and July. But Thayer's death obviously tarnished our memories of Summer '08. I am aiming to make Summer '09 full of GOOD memories! Atleast to really enjoy the moments that we have...

(me and S.... and Thad's muscles...)

I loved hanging out with my girls!

(J and me)

(she really deserves a good summer too!)

And I think the guys had fun too!!

It was a great group of folks!

("Roy" C and me)

GOOD TIMES!!!! I'm counting down till next year!

photos by S... thanks for being our photographer!

just me

written july 6th....

Alrighty. So I’ve been a blog slacker. I’ve thought about blogging here and there but I didn’t really have the time or the patience to start composing. We’ve had a wonderful beach vacation and we are currently visiting with in-laws in South Carolina. I’m sure I have several stories to share. But I honestly don’t know where to start. Let’s see what I can come up with…

I was recently told , in so many words, that my blogs don’t seem to represent the “Jill” that people see in everyday life. I agree with that observation but I am also bit disheartened that people close to me can see a “difference” in what I write… and who I am. I certainly don’t want people to think of me as hypocritical or false.

Those of you who know me… know that I am usually very sarcastic, very goofy, very blunt, often rude, and often irritable. I apologize if my blogs have not portrayed me as such. I need to be clear here that I am far from perfect (as most of you know too well!). I should probably share more stories of my tainted heart with you in future blogs….so you can have a fuller understanding of me.

The fact is, I tend to blog late at night… when I have a “free moment” to really think about life. When I am alone, I have the chance to really decipher what my heart is saying…. Not being distracted by the everyday junk that clutters my head. The things that I blog about are often things that I would rarely bring up in conversation. A lot of my “heart” thoughts aren’t easily brought up in casual conversations. And if we are honest…. We all rarely share our “heart” thoughts with others. Our society in general tends to focus on the outward things and most conversations on the street don’t cater to thoughts about life and death and God.

I am happy to say that I have had thoughtful conversations with some of you and I have appreciated some of the talks that we have shared about our faith and beliefs. And if I were as convicted as I should be… more of my conversations would intentionally include my “heart” thoughts.

Now… the spiritual side of me is screaming as I type this. How can I talk my way out of this? How can I claim that I have my “heart” thoughts late at night? How can I claim that I think good things about God and life only when it’s quiet?? Isn’t my behavior during the day supposed to be a direct reflection of my heart?! And doesn’t my daily life portray a dark and ugly heart?

Boy, that is convicting.
Those are all great questions that I just can’t answer in a convincing way.

Perhaps I am a bit of a hypocrite. Perhaps my daily life does not reflect the life that I would like to have. It’s been a challenge to be the person that God is molding me to be. I DO know that God has taught me really cool things over the past months. And I have grown leaps and bounds spiritually throughout my time of grieving and loss. My daily life has been a mess but what I share in my blogs are a glimpse of what I am learning… or at least trying to learn.

During construction projects, Thayer used to always say, “It always gets worse before it gets better”. So let’s just say that I am a work in progress…

scattering day

On Friday... the kids and I, along with my brother-in-law and his kids, made a trip to the Parkway to scatter Thayer's ashes.

The week prior to this trip, I was a little anxious because I just didn't know what to expect. And as the time drew nearer, I started to wonder about the actual process of "scattering". How were we supposed to do it? How can we pull it off- with a bunch of kids- without being totally irreverent?
I was fortunate enough to watch Elizabethtown on Thursday night....in the movie I watched the main character scatter his father's ashes..... and I realized that I was simply over-thinking the process of scattering.

So with my new chill attitude,we headed out on Friday morning. Our first stop was at the "20-Minute Cliff" overlook. We ate some sandwiches and debated on whether or not to scatter some of the ashes at that location. We realized that the wind was blowing in the wrong direction and there could be a pretty messy outcome.
We left the overlook and decided to toss some of the ashes alongside the road. I rolled down the window and let them fly.

(For those of you who are curious... and I know you are ;)... the ashes of cremated remains are white, basically fine in texture, with tiny pieces of bone fragments, and very soft... almost chalky feeling to the touch.
And yes, we scattered them by hand. When rinsed with water, the remnants are very slick and smooth. )

Moving along....
Our next stop was the White Rock Falls trail. We hiked in to a group of cliffs and proceeded to scatter the majority of Thayer's ashes at this spot. Thad read the following passage from the Common Book of Prayer:

In sure and certain hope of the resurrection to eternal life through our Lord Jesus Christ, we commend to Almighty God our brother Thayer, and we commit his body to the ground; *earth to earth, ashes to ashes, dust to dust. The Lord bless him and keep him, the Lord make his face to shine upon him and be gracious to him, the Lord lift up his countenance upon him and give him peace. Amen.

Then everyone had a turn grabbing handfuls of the ashes and scattering them to the wind. The kids really seemed to enjoy this part. And amazingly, we were all pretty composed. Nothing like the redneck-fest that I was afraid it could morph into.

L scattering ashes at the White Rock Falls Trail

On the way back up the trail, D spotted a snake along the path... which turned out to be a Timber Rattlesnake!!! That added some additional excitement to our day. Thad attempted to toss stones in it's direction hoping that it would head off of the trail and go about it's business but it insisted on coiling up on the trail and shaking it's rattler to scare us. Eventually, we had to go off of the path and travel around the snake in order to continue our day.

We scattered some ashes in a stream along the way as well.
Afterwards, we proceeded to drive down to Otter Creek and the kids enjoyed playing and swimming in the creek for the rest of the afternoon.

I've got to admit that it was a terrific day. We all had a great time, enjoying the mountains, and enjoying time with each other. And scattering Thayer's ashes was much more "relaxed" than I had anticipated. There was almost a relief in it. I know that Thayer would have enjoyed the day and I know that we did the best thing.... spending a beautiful day in the mountains, carrying out his wishes.
It was a GOOD day!! :-)

reality

so... I was one of the folks who got sucked into watching Jon and Kate plus 8 tonight.
I have seen tidbits of this show in the past but I didn't get hooked because I really disliked the way that Kate treated her husband.
The news of their separation wasn't a surprise to me.
I found myself really ticked off at them while watching tonight. (probably like the millions of other people who watched too)
They both sounded like a broken record...
"what's best for my kids", "my kids are the most important thing", "I want peace for my kids", my kids are my top priority"...
blah, blah, blah!!
No wonder their marriage has failed!

I am so saddened that couples today insist on putting their children first. I suppose that I have always been taught... and I truly believe that in order for things to work properly.... one must put God first, spouse second, kids third.
If you are doing the first two right... then the kids will automatically have "peace".
Having two parents who are devoted to God and to each other most likely will make for happy kids as well.
It's a shame that people just don't understand this simple fact.

Here's the deal.
I didn't like the Kate lady because she reminded me of myself. She had beat down her husband so much that the communcation just stopped.
Thayer and I had spurts of the same thing. And looking back... sure... I could have/should have done things differently during our marriage. I've learned alot of lessons about how to treat a husband... and I pray that I'll get a chance to be a better wife in the future.

But, I am happy to say that our kids never came before our marriage. I can remember conversations with Thayer during some of our "date nights" when we patted ourselves on the back for intentionally making time-just for us. We'd chat about people we knew who were bowing down to their kids... and we just didn't see how those folks were making it.

I highly recommend "date nights" !
Get out there and spend some time with your spouse-
I would be more than happy to babysit for you!

father's day

Last night, I had a tough night. I was up until 3am. It reminded me of the many late nights that I used to have last fall and winter. I pretty much had a huge meltdown that was only resolved, oddly, by watching some old home videos of Thayer and the boys.

I originally thought that it would be very difficult to see videos of Thayer. And I have avoided it until now. But last night, I felt a great urge to SEE him and HEAR him again, so I dug out the most recent video that we have... (from fall '04 through spring '06)
After I got over my initial cry of seeing Thayer... I was wonderfully comforted by being able to see him and hear his voice. It was wonderful. I would close my eyes and focus solely on his voice. Seeing him "in action" made it feel like he was still here.

(Well, here I am, now, crying, just thinking about watching the video. I guess just wishing that he were here.)

I slept late this morning and we skipped church.
Yesterday, L had mentioned that he would like to send a note to Daddy, via balloon. I thought it was a grand idea and I was ready to get up and implement the balloon send-off today and I even toyed with the idea of letting the boys scatter some of Thayer's ashes around his memorial tree..... but
~scratch~
both boys said that they DIDN'T want to do any of it.

Which is fine. and a slight relief to me because I don't know if I was in any type of shape to conduct such activities today. I felt like I needed some recovery time from last night's breakdown.
There will be other days for the sentimental stuff. I don't want to overload any of us.

Today went okay. We spent some time with family and friends.
It's nice to be around people :-)

carrots

okay. so I realized that it's probably not the 10 month thing that's making me emotional. I think I'm just having a weepy week. With all this time to think about Thayer... the weirdest things will catch me by surprise.

I have finally mustered up the motivation to prepare a meal for someone else. wow... (I know... that's a huge step for me, considering my new habit of not cooking, ever.)
I'm sticking with a simple roast in the crock pot.
Shouldn't be difficult, right?!
wrong.
I cried over the carrots! (not ON the carrots...don't worry)

Remembering the last time I cooked a roast... when Thayer was living.
And always for Thayer. In fact, everything I cooked for always FOR him.
I miss the part of me that used to prepare meals for Thayer. the part of me that planned meals for each week and looked for recipes that Thayer would like.

As for roasts...
He always assured me that it was okay to cut up the veggies and have everything in the crockpot the night before, and put it in the fridge. So in the morning, you just have to turn it on to cook.
I specifically remember him telling me that you can never have too many carrots.
"Just use the whole bag".

I cried over the carrots tonight because it was such a small bag.
Thayer would have wanted more. :-)

free time

I think I really enjoy this "summer" thing! I am SO fortunate that I work somewhere that adheres to summer vacations. I find this break to be absolutely refreshing and enjoyable. Well... atleast the past few days.

Call me after a week or so with these kids... and I'll let you know. ;)


I realized that my calendar looks fairly empty this summer. It's a much needed break from the overscheduling that I managed to do during the school year. I am trying hard not to overschedule our free days. I am really looking forward to sleeping late and taking it "one day at a time". I like the days when I can just wake up and say "what shall we do today?"

Other than beach trips and swimming lessons... we should have plenty of free days.


Since I've been out of work, I find that I have more time to think about Thayer too. I have recently been thinking alot about last summer. I can vividly remember our trip to Arizona and Colorado... like it was yesterday. And it's not that I remember all of the things that we did... but I can simply remember Thayer's presence... in the car, standing next to me, sitting by the pool... his hand on my back or shoulder.... I think it's all about him "being" there that I remember.

The boys and I have been having lots of movie nights lately... and I asked them if they remembered having movie nights with their Daddy.
I can picture him getting settled on the couch, with his ugly brown "slippers", several pillows behind his neck, with kids on both sides.
I don't have a clue about what we watched but I remember his presence.

This "presence" thing is a biggie to me. I have a terrible memory of events. But I can place Thayer at just about any spot in our house and yard. I have a vivid memory of his "being". It's hard to explain.

Tomorrow marks 10 months since Thayer's death.

a night on the town

When Thayer and I first traveled across the country, we would drive about 8-10 hours, find a cheap hotel, and have a "night on the town".
And we're not talking about a night out in a big city. We were usually in the smallest possible town on the map. For some reason, after 10 hours of driving, we were ready to stop at just about any hotel available.
A "night on the town" usually entailed finding a local Pizza Hut or Western Sizzlin', grabbing goodies from a grocery store or vending machine and watching tv in our hotel room.
The phrase "night on the town" was a tradition whenever we traveled.

As time has passed...I have redefined what a "night on the town" can be. It can be a night after traveling... OR it can be just be any of those very rare nights that I am "out on the town".

Tonight was one of those nights.
I was out with two of my bestest buddies (who shall remain nameless for the protection of their reputations). ;)
We ate dinner out and then decided to do a little shopping.
So... picture this.... we went to a store called "Hot Topic".

(Yes. If you are familiar with this store... I'm pretty sure that I was old enough to be the mother of every employee and customer in the room.)

Now... picture three of us... debating over which Twilight T-shirt to purchase. For goodness sakes, the t-shirts were on clearance. So I had to buy two. :-)
I was partly ashamed at the checkout counter when the salesgirl suggested that I buy the posters that were also on clearance.
"No thank you. I've already got a poster".
"and yes, I think I know your mom." (haha)

We managed to do a little shopping for Father's day, grab some icecream for dessert and chat for a while.
After exchanging some recipes and showing pictures of our children we decided to call it a night. ;)
We joked about how we were able to stay out as late as we wanted... but we were pretty much ready for bed.
It's tough being 30 :-)

But seriously... I had a super time with my girls tonight!! I wish we could have a "night on the town" more often!!!
love you guys! :-)

Camp

I just completed the application for my boys to attend Comfort Zone Camp!! Check it out!!
We heard about it from another kid at Kids' Haven.... who said that he had a blast.
L won't be old enough until the fall... but we are already looking forward to it!

honestly

I think some of you didn't catch the sarcasm in my last post. (Probably none of you, unless you have seen me in the past week... and I apologize to my out of town readers...).
Since I am a really honest person.... I don't want to mislead anyone.
I'm not technically 30. I may be two years older than that.
But let's keep it our little secret, eh? ;)

My 30th birthday...

well.... close enough.

Let's see what random thoughts I can share as I wind down a day of celebration.

A friend shared a "thayer story" with me via email earlier today. She recalled a time about ten years ago when Thayer showed up at their house and was given a copy of her husband's Les Miserables book. Thayer had decided to give it to me for my birthday because I was a huge fan of the story.
My friend emailed today...just wondering about what I had thought about the "used" gift. And amazingly... I had never heard this story before!! Thayer NEVER mentioned where he got the book.... what a sneaky little punk...gifting a friend's novel!!!
The truth will always be revealed. :-) hehe

As I have been thinking about Thayer, and my birthday, over the past week, I haven't had much excitement about putting another year under my belt.
Thayer was three days shy of celebrating his 38th birthday. He will remain 37 in our eyes... and here I am getting older by the day. It is a weird feeling that he and I were always 7 years apart. And with each birthday, I am closing the gap... and will eventually surpass his age. It's just really crappy that he didn't have the chance to get old and wrinkly like the rest of us. :(

Some gals from work showed up on my doorstep this afternoon to serenade me with the "Happy Birthday" song. It was a great, fun surprise. They really made my day :-)

My family came over tonight with pizza and cake to celebrate my 30th birthday. ;)
They also showered me with Twilight gifts! -- A twilight cake, a magazine, Edward cards, and an Edward action figure!!! hahaha
yep... we are dorks. I didn't know that there were theme parties for 30 year olds ;) But we had a good time with it.

Last thought...
my birthday... and a full moon tonight. what are the chances?
10 moons ago... :(

It's tough being 30
;)

plans

I have recently mentioned to several people that I remember last August, when I attended the first meeting of the PMT at our elementary school. They handed leather bound planners to everyone at the meeting. And I was SUPER excited because I am a calendar fanatic. For years, I carried around a pocket calendar and shunned anyone who wasn't as well planned as me. For goodness sakes.... just write it on the calendar and the plan is set. (or so I thought).
I came home from the meeting and I jumped right into transferring my plans from my home calendar to the new planner book. I wrote in plans for the entire school year.... meeting dates, church dates, ladies night dates, etc. etc.
I clearly remember showing the planner to Thayer with excitement and he said "Jill, you plan too much."
The following Saturday, Thayer died and my plans for this year changed beyond belief. I threw the planner away.

Of course I still plan for things. But usually it's just for a week or a month, max. Knowing full well that plans can change quickly. And I think I have learned to roll with the flow.

For some reason... today was a free day for me.
I woke up completely inspired to move furniture around. Not only furniture... but we switched rooms today!!
I moved into L's room, L is now sharing a room with D, and my old room is now a play/guest room.
This environmental switch-a-roo is probably a symptom of a mental breakdown or something... so I'll keep you posted :-)
so far, so good!

forwards

I usually don't even read forwarded emails... but this was a good one. (thanks Kelly!) I apologize for the length... but I thought these thoughts were worth sharing.
I have learned some of these lessons the hard way... but I hold fast to them now!
We need to stay focused on what's important:

45 lessons life taught me
Written By Regina Brett, 90 years old, of The Plain Dealer, Cleveland,Ohio

1. Life isn't fair, but it's still good.
2. When in doubt, just take the next small step.
3. Life is too short to waste time hating anyone...
4. Your job won't take care of you when you are sick. Your friends and parents will. Stay in touch.
5. Pay off your credit cards every month.
6. You don't have to win every argument. Agree to disagree.
7. Cry with someone. It's more healing than crying alone.
8. It's OK to get angry with God. He can take it.
9. Save for retirement starting with your first pay cheque.
10. When it comes to chocolate, resistance is futile.
11. Make peace with your past so it won't screw up the present.
12. It's OK to let your children see you cry.
13. Don't compare your life to others. You have no idea what their journey is all about.
14. If a relationship has to be a secret, you shouldn't be in it.
15. Everything can change in the blink of an eye. But don't worry; God never blinks.
16. Take a deep breath. It calms the mind.
17. Get rid of anything that isn't useful, beautiful or joyful.
18. Whatever doesn't kill you really does make you stronger.
19. It's never too late to have a happy childhood. But the second one is up to you and no one else.
20. When it comes to going after what you love in life, don't take no for an answer.
21. Burn the candles, use the nice sheets, wear the fancy lingerie. Don't save it for a special occasion. Today is special.
22. Over prepare, then go with the flow.
23. Be eccentric now. Don't wait for old age to wear purple.
24. The most important sex organ is the brain.
25. No one is in charge of your happiness but you.
26. Frame every so-called disaster with these words 'In five years, will this matter?'
27. Always choose life.
28. Forgive everyone everything.
29. What other people think of you is none of your business.
30. Time heals almost everything. Give time.
31. However good or bad a situation is, it will change.
32. Don't take yourself so seriously. No one else does.
33. Believe in miracles.
34. God loves you because of who God is, not because of anything you did or didn't do.
35. Don't audit life. Show up and make the most of it now.
36. Growing old beats the alternative -- dying young.
37. Your children get only one childhood.
38. All that truly matters in the end is that you loved.
39. Get outside every day. Miracles are waiting everywhere.
40. If we all threw our problems in a pile and saw everyone else's, we'd grab ours back.
41. Envy is a waste of time. You already have all you need.
42. The best is yet to come.
43. No matter how you feel, get up, dress up and show up.
44. Yield.
45. Life isn't tied with a bow, but it's still a gift."