here goes. let me try to sort a few things out.
I have been really down and out the past few days. Feeling fresh back into my grief for Thayer. Feeling SO lonely and really missing him. I've had moments of anxiety that I haven't felt in a long time.
Alot of this could be seasonal blues. I hear that the holidays can be especially hard on single parents and recently widowed people. No doubt.
My unpaid therapist, Elaine, mentioned that it might have something to do with my recent break-up.
who would have thunk?
This is what came up briefly in our mini morning session:
I am having to adjust to being alone again. Before boyfriend, I had dealt well with my singleness and I was adjusting pretty well to being alone. Then... I was spoiled by having company and being happily distracted. It was great to know that I could love again. Fun times.
And now, well, back to square one.
I am being thrown back into solitude again.
I am faced with my irritation that this is not how it's supposed to be!
I've been frustrated with Thayer... because if he was here, I wouldn't have to worry about dating and break-ups and being alone. There have been lot of moments when I think, "I wish Thayer were here to talk through this with me... but if he WERE here... I wouldn't HAVE these troubles!"
The past few days, I've felt guilty for being "down". If I had my priorities straight, I would be content at where I am, Who I am.
But honestly, I'm not content right now. Is it so wrong that I long for companionship?
I'm torn when I think about God saying, "It is not good for man to be alone"(gen 2:18) and then, in 1 Corinthians, Paul talks about the benefits of being single! (but he also encourages widows to marry if they can't control themselves) hehe.
So... what's it supposed to be?!
I know that ultimately I need to find contentment in my singleness, so that's what I'm praying for.
Sadly, the prayers don't make this season any easier. I'm still lonely and Christmas music still makes me cry.
But this too shall pass.
To quote a very wise blogger :
"please don't interpret these words as a plea for pity.... My blog is my Public Brain, and sometimes peeking in here is a little dark and spooky. But it's how I process a lot of things, and in some weird way it helps me cope with how I'm feeling right now".
All of this to say... Dad, I'll be okay! ;)
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every day things, recent thoughts, rare ponderings
About Me
- Jill
- I was suddenly widowed in 2008 and was a solo parent to my two boys for nearly 9 years. I was remarried to my husband, Greg, in 2017. It's safe to say that the past years have been quite a journey for our family. It has been a blessing to see how God has written our story and been our provider.
3 comments:
Pray, pray, pray, and remember that God is in complete and absolute control. Give it all up to Him! Remember too that we are all praying for you.
I think we all are a little lonely during this time of year, even if everything is okay. I myself have been feeling totally down and out and lonely, for several reasons.
Hang in there!
I feel for you. I truly do. I wish I had words to make it all be okay. Or just seem that way for a minute.
I could tell you God has a plan. Or to pray. But I'm not really feeling any of that advice right now, though all of it is sound. What I'm feeling is, "Man, Jill. That sucks."
Eloquent and uplifting, eh?
I don't know what I can do if anything to make you feel the slightest bit better, but know that we love you and I think of you every day. I am here if you need me no matter what time of day. You should not feel guilty for being down. This is something that is still fresh and it is normal to feel down especially at this time of the year. I love ya!
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