wrapping it up...

We made it through another holiday season.
Christmas activities seemed to go smoothly.
Even with my desire to keep things simple, we managed to attend several Christmas events and stay rather busy this month.

Christmas day was fine.
The boys were treated to legos, Wii games, the Loopz game, stocking stuffers from Santa, Bey Blades and books and other goodies from family members. I'd say that they made a pretty good haul.
We enjoyed a brunch with the extended family and dinner with more extended family.



We had a day or so of recovery before we headed to SC to see Thayer's family. We enjoyed a nice visit with Thayer's grandmother, aunt and uncle. The boys also had some play time with semi-distant cousins.
Before heading home, yesterday, their uncle had made plans for Daniel and Lucas to do some rock climbing. They enjoyed about two hours of climbing! I'm continually amazed at how much energy these guys have!




I made the decision to forgo the new years parties this year. We needed a regular ol' evening at home to regroup. This season has been fun.... but overwhelming at times.
The boys were in bed by 8:30 and I was cuddled up and watching Netflix movie by 9.
I just finished watching Touching The Void. It was intense!
(thanks Lois for recommending it!)

Sweet dreams and Happy New Year!

boys. continued...

so. of course I felt the need to show the boys that scene from It's a Wonderful Life.
and...
first thing this morning...
they are outside sledding on shovels.
I should have known.

boys

I love snow days. It's a forced day to stay home and do nothing.
The boys were anxious to get outside and play and do boy stuff.
I made a spur of the moment decision to declare that they were only allowed to play outside if they shoveled the driveway first.
I wasn't convinced that they could handle the snow shovel this year... but it was worth a shot.
To my excitement....
The boys headed outside and shoveled the driveway and sidewalk without any complaints or difficulties. What a fabulous thing to have children old enough to manage a snow shovel!
This day will be the first snow day in my adult life that I have not gone outside! It was fantabulous. :)

Last year we got mammoth amounts of snow and the kids were out in their galoshes and ragged gloves :(
This year, I prepared well in advance. Both boys have been fashioned with new boots, pants, coats and gloves.

These warm fuzzy snow essentials came in handy today while Daniel spent 6 consecutive hours outside.
Lucas came in for a movie and lunch break and then headed back out for some afternoon fun.
He came home shortly after departure, calm as a cucumber and states that he fell in the creek.
Me: "Really? how did that happen?"
Lucas: "it was icy. and ____ stood on it so I thought I could too. My pants puffed up when I fell in."
Me: "you were in THAT deep!?"
Lucas: "yeah. I could touch but Daniel had to pull me out with a stick."
Me: "yeah. and that's the way that kids drown!..."

I just kept thinking of the scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" when George saves his brother's life... but loses his hearing.
And I wondered if that movie was available for instant viewing on Netflix...

As I helped him undress... imagine brand new fuzzy lined snow boots FULL of creek water.
bummer. :(
Sure. I acted surprised and mumbled about their poor choice of activities. But I've learned to never be truly surprised by what boys do.

I like to think that I have done well with giving my boys some room to roam and explore in their boyness. I observed how Thayer did 'guy' stuff with them and I tell myself to give them that same courtesy. They've had the freedom to play guns, roam around, make forts and even pretend to play "Halo" in the yard. The boys insist that "it's okay because they are only killing aliens"
oh my.

I know a few moms who are aghast at my parenting style when it comes to playtime. But I have had to make a conscious choice to let my kids be boys. Being a single mom, I certainly don't want to stunt anything that will be preparing my kids to be men. I want them to explore and learn things that guys need to learn.
My rule has generally been that things are fine unless someone is bleeding or broken.

Don't get me wrong. I love my kids and want them to be safe.
I certainly don't want to see my kids bleeding or broken... but I expect it to happen at some point.
I'm keenly aware that common sense isn't something that usually accompanies boys on their missions.
I'm also aware that accidents will happen whether I am hovering over their every move or not.

I specifically took a shower and got dressed today... just in case we needed to make a trip to the emergency room.

got man?

I've got a friend at church who always says "Jill, we need to find you a man!"
What a marvelous idea!
But seriously, I've decided that a man is not what I need right now.

Right after Thayer died, I kept saying "surely God doesn't want me to be alone for the next 60 years...."
I was hopeful that He would send someone our way when the time was right.
(That may still be the case! And I certainly wouldn't turn down the opportunity!)
But I don't dwell on that hope too much these days.

For the most part, I am content being single. That contentment usually ebbs and flows. Because, like I've said.. it's lonely.
But overall I think I'm becoming more stable with being on my own.

The suckiest part has always been the fact that the boys don't have a dad around. I mourn the fact that they may have to grow up without a man in the house. That has been the hardest thing to accept since Thayer's death. I don't see the fairness in it... and I question how THAT could be part of God's plan.


I've had some 'learning experiences' over the past two years. Both of which I tried too hard to make things work.
I know that things will work without effort when the time is right.
I look back on each 'relationship' and can recall how silly I was. Just downright weird.
But I am quick to admit that each 'relationship' was helpful in it's own way.
I know just enough what NOT to do if the opportunity to date arises again.

Several people have suggested that I try online dating. My answer is consistently "NO". I know, without a doubt, that it would suck time and energy away from my kids and myself. Can you imagine the time wasted looking through profiles and whatever else is involved? I think it would be emotionally draining and a drastic mix-up of priorities.

More recently, I have wondered if there is a window of opportunity for widows to remarry before it is a lost cause. so... if I'm not remarried in ____ years I should reserve a room at the convent?

One widow blogger just announced her engagement. (and I'm happy for her!)
Another widow in town was married after 5 years.

One dude at church was remarried 4 months after his wife died. Another guy I knew was remarried within the first year.
(I have a verbal soapbox about these guys... you'll have to ask me about it sometime.) (hint... the guys tick me off... alot)

I guess that there is no way of knowing when, or if, remarriage is in the picture. Sure... it would be nice to know if I'll be traveling the world with a hubby when my kids are grown... or if I should start researching cat adoption.

anywho. I'm not losing any sleep over it.
As of today, I am perfectly content with sleeping smack dab in the middle of my bed.

good grief

As I've mentioned before, there are a gazillion blogs devoted to widows. I seem to run across a new one every few days. It's way to many to keep up with but there are a few that I follow on a regular basis.
It's interesting to see that the 'popular' bloggers have tons of 'followers'. And that these bloggers have become quite the celebrities in the widow world. There are blogs, facebook groups,facebook discussion groups, live online chats, guest bloggers, retreats, camps, etc. etc.
It's nice to know that technology is being used to connect so many people who would otherwise feel alone in their grief. These sites have been a good thing for a ton of people.

I'm starting to wonder if there is money to be made in widow support groups. :)

More so, I am noticing that many of these 'celebrity widows' are several years into their grief. Some may be 4 or 5 years out. Some are remarried.
This makes me realize that widowhood isn't something to outgrow or get-over.
These women still have genuine, raw thoughts about the death of their husbands.
They are able to blog about death and grieving in such a way that I, and other widows, can totally relate. It is helpful to see that other widows are just as crazy, or more crazy than myself. Many of the blogs are funny and salted with dark humor... that only widows would appreciate.

Sometimes I wonder if I blog too much about poor little me, the pitiful lonely widow. But I have decided that it's okay to share my thoughts. Certainly not for pity... but just to simply get it out there. out of my head. And maybe, just maybe, a few others can relate.

You guys know that I'm doing amazingly well. And that day to day, things are fine.
But deep down, I'm hurting. Who wouldn't be?
This time of year is especially lonely for me.

and...
...I have no idea how I intended to finish this post...


The end.
:)

Slugs and Bugs and Camels

A Slugs and Bugs Christmas.
I LOVE this CD!

I pre-ordered two copies specifically to give as gifts. (And I've ordered a copy for us as well). We received the 'gift' copies yesterday and I couldn't resist claiming one as my own.
I wasn't sure if my 8 and 10 year old would be interested (because several years have past since they first enjoyed the original Slugs and Bugs)... but they were totally captivated with this new release!
I am so excited!
No other Christmas CD can transiton so easily from traditional Christmas carols to complete and utter nonsense!
'It came upon a Midnight Clear' is so naturally followed by a Hot Dog Promo and a song about cooking mice.
I'm just all smiles from ear to ear!
I'm especially excited about 'The Camel Song'...which everybody loves... and 'Jesus Loves Me' with amazing new lyrics.
Randall Goodgame does an amazing job at pointing children straight to the heart of Jesus. And for that I am thankful.

But, I am also thankful for the genius of the the track arrangement! The first half of the CD is upbeat, dance worthy and exciting. And as the album progresses it becomes more mellow... until the kids are asleep on the couch. SERIOUSLY! Tonight, Lucas was initially doing some form of the river dance. He was INTO it. But by track 13 he was nestled on the couch with me... and Daniel put himself to bed! By the end of the 'Camel Song Conversation' Lucas was asleep!
A MAZ ING.
A wonderful arrangement of wonderful songs. wonderful artists. wonderful musicians.
Oh. Did I mention that Andrew Peterson is involved as well? And his kids? ;)

nice.

You must buy this CD for your kids! (unless your kid is named Tanner or John Austin... cause they are the lucky giftees) ;)

this week

The Jill of this week....

-is in hibernation mode.

-was able to take a brief nap on Monday (and afterward, at the skating place, had to ask a friend if the drool was visible on her shirt).

-had dinner served and lunches packed for tomorrow by 5:30pm tonight.

-was technically ready for bed around 6:30 but killed some time ****IRONING*** Daniel's uniform shirt.
(I know!! ridiculous!)

-has been looking forward to spending time with the boys each night.

-bought Christmas gifts for a group of volunteers who she forgot about last year.
nice.

-is done with all preparations of Christmas. and is ready for january.

Wake me in the spring :-)

warming up

I'm warming up to the idea of Christmas. I'm still not too happy about it, but I'm in the acceptance stage, i think.
I've even listened to a few Christmas songs. But I draw the line at "Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas". That song is just... terribly sad.

I enjoyed the Andrew Peterson, Behold the Lamb of God, concert on Friday. That's always a great way to kick off the Christmas season. Being reminded of Jesus is important these days... in the midst of all of the commercialism. It was refreshing.

The first snowfall of the year appeared on Saturday, along with the city Christmas parade. We participated in the parade with D's drum and flag team. I think it was supposed to be a fun event. The jury is still out. Our group was number 60 in the procession. We arrived at 6pm to line up and didn't move in line until 7:20ish, i think. Standing out in the falling snow, and watching kids cry about their frozen fingers and toes. Not too high on the fun factor.
But once we got moving, everything was okay. :)

I'm hoping that's how Christmas will be this year. We're all prepared at our house, and waiting... and I'm hoping that once it gets going, we'll be okay.

I'm most excited about the break from school and work. only a few more weeks!