morning update

This morning has been much better.
I was fervent in prayer that L and I could have a new start today.

Thankfully, he has forgiven me for last night's tirade.

I feel a great weight lifted as we begin our weekend.

thanks for your prayers :-)

tower of terror

The Tower of Terror ride description as seen on the Disney website:

"A ride on the "fright elevator" beyond the eerie boiler room in the hotel basement could be down, then up, or maybe down again, or up and up—every experience is different and randomly selected by the Tower itself. There's no way of knowing which direction you'll go on the Twilight Zone Tower of Terror."

That's also a close description of my interactions with L.

I went to the counselor on Tuesday and expressed how encouraged I was about my relationship with L.
Tuesday night... all hell breaks loose.
Today was fine.
He was awarded the 'purple tape' at Karate for showing a good attitude and doing his best. (The instructor chooses one kid per class) Great attitude!! So proud!
But tonight was horrible again.... and I LOST it. I kept thinking.... "how can he be recognized for having a good attitude at Karate... and then as soon as his foot hits our doorway... he turns into a crazed lunatic!?!
I totally blew my chance at calming him tonight. When he screamed and yelled.... I screamed and yelled. It was horrible.
I don't know how much I will be able to restore with him tomorrow :( And I have no idea what to expect in the morning.
I'm really praying for a new day.... a new start.
We've got a great weekend planned and I want it to start off well.
Please pray for us!!

rainbow

I was encouraged yesterday when God painted a beautiful rainbow that made an entire restaurant stop and take notice.
The boys and I had noticed the rainbow before entering the restaurant. It was very bright and distinct.
As we got settled at our table, I noticed that folks all around us were distracted from their conversations, out of their chairs, taking pictures with their cell phones, huge smiles on their faces... totally enamored by God's fabulous creation.
It's amazing how God's creation can stop us in our tracks and demand us to take notice.


Thanks to my uncle Ben for capturing the moment!

You alone are the LORD. You made the heavens, even the highest heavens, and all their starry host, the earth and all that is on it, the seas and all that is in them. you give life to everything, and the multitudes of heaven worship you.
Nehemiah 9:6

friends

I just returned from an evening at my sister's house with several friends. A semi-random group of us get together once a month. I have such a great time listening to zany stories and enjoying lots of laughs.

One of my bestest lifelong friends came along and we were able to recall some of the events of our earlier years. CRAZY times. I have a horrible memory... but circumstances and locations flashed through my memory as she recalled several events.

(Yep, we grew up with Paris Lenon, we will claim to know Becky when she is super famous, and what the heck ever happened to Seth? )

Back in the day... we actually had lots of friends. And as we have lived life, our friend pool has diminished. After many years, it's easy to name and claim the special people who have stuck. I'm proud to have a handful of people who I have known since early childhood that still claim me as their own.
What a blessing.

I've had the privilege to see a few of my dear friends over the past few weeks. It has been so refreshing and encouraging. I am so thankful for you girls!

:o)

what's it gonna be?

I've been doing the counseling thing. I've gone three times to get some parenting pointers. Especially in interacting with my youngest.
So far, so good.
I see progess in myself and the boy.

Today, the counselor managed to get me to cry (impressive, eh?) as I shared some of my fears about Thayer's absence. We talked about a few things but I think I've come to realize that no matter how much I claim to hold tight to God's promise of a future...I have days when I falter and I start to wonder what kind of future I could possibly have.

I told the counselor today that every night when I make sandwiches for the boys' lunches, I can remember back to when Thayer was here, and I would say "I just can't make another sandwich! I am sick of making sandwiches!"
And I remember how Thayer lovingly took over the sandwich duty. He would gladly pack the lunches when I was tired of the monotonous job.
So now, when I make the sandwiches... it's just me. every day. And I realized that I could be making sandwiches most week nights for the next 11 years. Is that the kind of future I get to look forward to?

yes, I know that making sandwiches isn't a huge deal. And yes, I know that my kids are capable of making their own sandwiches.
And yes, I know that many of you, including my mom, made sandwiches every day for years... and have never compained.
(so save your comments) ;)

I think that it's just the thought that there is no one else to do it that can be dark for me.
There is no one else to clean up the cat puke. There is no one else to run by the store on the way home. There is no one else to be the spiritual leader of my family.
If I let myself dwell on these concerns, I could really wallow. But God usually quickly pulls me together and reminds me that He's in charge. I'm done with worrying. I have to know that God is in charge... or I'd totally be a wreck.

So, perhaps my fear is that I'll be alone in this gig. And I think I need to be ready to accept whatever the future may bring.
When people say "take it one day at a time". I really have to. I have no idea what to expect.... or what my future holds.
One sandwich at a time.

Bring it.

saturday morning mellowness :o)

the big investment

L officially starts karate classes tonight. We are both very excited. :o)

He and I went yesterday for an introductory lesson accompanied by the "tuition" talk.
It was seriously something similar to one of those 'Timeshare' talks. The guy was really nice... but it was all very scripted. He explained how wonderful everything was and gave super examples. He pulled L in by teaching a few basic moves, etc.
Then he proceeded to pull out the notebook and dry erase marker.... writing numbers and showing me the best values, etc.
Then I was reminded of being in a car salesman's office. He would step out every few minutes, explaining that he had left this sheet, or that info, in the other office.

Perhaps I shouldn't have agreed to the first figures?? Are karate classes negotiable? (somebody let me know!)

I should have known that it would feel shady. These are the same creepy guys who stand outside of the Dollar store and solicit in parking lots, asking people to take a "quick survey".
I think their whole method of recruiting is creepy.
I try to remind myself that they are just trying to make a living.

anywho.
Putting all of my initial grumbles aside... I think this will be very good for L. I can tell that he will learn alot about self discipline and respect. Heck, if he just picks up basic manners from these classes, it'll be worth every penny :-)

And, like a friend reminded me... it's way cheaper than therapy.

I'll keep ya posted.

fresh paint

L and I have both painted our rooms over the past few weekends. The walls are fresh and new. But that is the extent of it.
The rest of the house is a disaster. The paint supplies are still piled up the hallway, there is crap all over the place, clean laundry piled up in the living room and something sticky all over the kitchen floor.

I know that this post is sounding similar to many previous posts. And I know that I will get the cleaning bug, eventually, and tackle the devasting environment that is sucking the life right out of me.

For now, I am grasping onto my small victories.
-The new paint is good as long as you focus on the wall, and not the contents of the room.
-I have cut my grass twice. (thanks Dad for trimming!)
-I managed to clean out a small section of Thayer's "junk side" of the basement. (REALLY small section but a HUGE step for me.)

The rest of the household work has been more internal these days.

The kids and I started family counseling a few weeks ago. After meeting with the three of us, the counselor has met with me twice to suggest ways for me to interact with L, to combat some of his anger.
The counselor has been helpful and I have started to evaluate the way I interact with my kids. But coming from my 'tough love' mindset, I am struggling a bit.... trying to re-word my interactions to get favorable outcomes. I've got to work on forming some new habits!

I even think that the counselor ruffled my feathers a bit today. I shared some of my concerns about his suggestions and he challenged me by saying,
"do you want to be right or do you want to build relationship?"

He's right. The whole reason we started counseling was for the sole purpose of learning to live together in a civil manner. So I should expect that it's gonna take some humility from me.
I'm working on it.

Just like the house... small steps. little victories. one day at at time.

11th

Today would be our 11th anniversary.

The weather is beautiful. The red bud is in bloom and the heart shaped leaves are appearing.

My parents brought me a lovely plant for the front porch in honor of the day.

D and I took a bike ride around the block.

My boys have kindly agreed to accompany me to the Toby Mac concert this evening.

It's a good day.

I miss him.

the feud continues

Let's rewind a couple of months:
L had been reading The American Boy's Handy Book. He had decided that it would be a good idea to build a boat. He thought it would be nifty to have a boat that he could pull back and forth across the creek. I thought it would be a great project for the boys and their grandfather. L showed the plans to Papa... who decided that a bridge would be a perfect way to get across a creek. ;)
So... the planning began. My wonderful father worked very hard for many days gathering materials and assembling sections that would be assembled on site by the boys and their Papa. A footbridge, wide enough for the red wagon, would soon be a reality.
Fast forward to yesterday:
Bridge was ready to be assembled. My Dad and the kids unloaded the boards and carried them to position.
They were happily in the woods, working.
I was in the house painting.
and
My neighbor was on the phone with the owner of the creek property... Which resulted in two city police officers knocking on my door.

(and let me tell you... I could go a lifetime and not need to see another uniformed officer on my porch. I'm tense just typing about it!)

yep. The neighbor reported that "someone was dumping trash at the end of the cul-de-sac." (She gave them my address as the "someone".)
After a brief explanation of the project that my Dad had going on with my kids, the officer made a call on his radio that nullified anything about trash being dumped. He was very cool about the whole thing. And I've got to give props to these officers... they made me feel at ease... it turned into a rather nice little visit :o)

(I also feel I should mention that when my neighbor made her complaint to officials, she gave an incorrect address for herself. She made it look as though my neighbors across the street had made the call. The guy over there looked rather confused when the officers went to clear things up.)
Upon my prompting, they went next door to confirm she had made the call. I assume they explained the situation to her.
The officers returned to my house. (yep. of course it was her)
They also gave me the name of the property owner and suggested that I contact the owner and gain permission to use the property.

Turns out that the property belongs to a business and they cannot allow us to build anything due to liability issues. The bridge will have to be removed. The property manager mentioned coyotes and "other things" that make it too high a risk. Which is totally acceptable...coming from the property manager. We will comply. The boys and my Dad will be disassembling the bridge and moving it to another location.

I just feel so badly for my Dad. He devised this great "guy" project to do with the kids... only to have it crapped on by my neighbor. I just really wish that she would mind her own business.

And tonight... I'm vowing not to let her invade my mind, anymore. I always like to say that I don't let her actions 'get to me'... but I think it's chipping away at me. I can usually laugh it off... but I am starting to realize that I am dwelling on it way too much. I can easily lie awake at night and formulate my words for when I decide to confront her, or dream up quirky ways to retaliate.
But in doing this... I am allowing her to bring me down. I need to realize that her bizarre thirst for my family's blood cannot control me. Nor will I let it.
No more, I say! No more!

James 4:12 says:
There is only one Lawgiver and Judge, the one who is able to save and destroy. But you-who are you to judge your neighbor?

It goes both ways... I know.

my deep thought for today:

"It's hard to love your neighbors when they are asses."

I was just thinking that I have never been treated so weirdly by anyone before and it just baffles me.
I try not to let it get to me...

I just wish that they would go ahead and build a fence.

There. I'm over it for today. ;-)
moving on...

My April Fool's lesson

This morning the kids woke up and discoverd a flyer on the kitchen table. I was folding laundry in the living room and the kids were calling to me saying "what's this?!" I had to explain that it was a flyer for a week long camp that I was going to send them to this summer.
Chore Camp.
D kept saying "I don't understand!" They were baffled. They read the descriptions of what they would be doing and they were floored. L was instantly furious and D was just "put off". They were so angry. They were refusing to go to Chore Camp, and L said that he would stay in bed the whole week and do nothing.
I let them fuss and fume for about 15 minutes before I reminded them that it was April 1st.
Which at that point, I really thought I would get a chuckle or a "wow, you really got us mom!"
But NO. They were both disappointed in me. And D reminded me, "See Mom! THAT's why we can't do April Fools at school! Because it hurts people's feelings!"

hmmm.... who would have thought? I prided myself in actually pulling off a prank today only to be shunned by my kids.
:p