wrapping it up...

We made it through another holiday season.
Christmas activities seemed to go smoothly.
Even with my desire to keep things simple, we managed to attend several Christmas events and stay rather busy this month.

Christmas day was fine.
The boys were treated to legos, Wii games, the Loopz game, stocking stuffers from Santa, Bey Blades and books and other goodies from family members. I'd say that they made a pretty good haul.
We enjoyed a brunch with the extended family and dinner with more extended family.



We had a day or so of recovery before we headed to SC to see Thayer's family. We enjoyed a nice visit with Thayer's grandmother, aunt and uncle. The boys also had some play time with semi-distant cousins.
Before heading home, yesterday, their uncle had made plans for Daniel and Lucas to do some rock climbing. They enjoyed about two hours of climbing! I'm continually amazed at how much energy these guys have!




I made the decision to forgo the new years parties this year. We needed a regular ol' evening at home to regroup. This season has been fun.... but overwhelming at times.
The boys were in bed by 8:30 and I was cuddled up and watching Netflix movie by 9.
I just finished watching Touching The Void. It was intense!
(thanks Lois for recommending it!)

Sweet dreams and Happy New Year!

boys. continued...

so. of course I felt the need to show the boys that scene from It's a Wonderful Life.
and...
first thing this morning...
they are outside sledding on shovels.
I should have known.

boys

I love snow days. It's a forced day to stay home and do nothing.
The boys were anxious to get outside and play and do boy stuff.
I made a spur of the moment decision to declare that they were only allowed to play outside if they shoveled the driveway first.
I wasn't convinced that they could handle the snow shovel this year... but it was worth a shot.
To my excitement....
The boys headed outside and shoveled the driveway and sidewalk without any complaints or difficulties. What a fabulous thing to have children old enough to manage a snow shovel!
This day will be the first snow day in my adult life that I have not gone outside! It was fantabulous. :)

Last year we got mammoth amounts of snow and the kids were out in their galoshes and ragged gloves :(
This year, I prepared well in advance. Both boys have been fashioned with new boots, pants, coats and gloves.

These warm fuzzy snow essentials came in handy today while Daniel spent 6 consecutive hours outside.
Lucas came in for a movie and lunch break and then headed back out for some afternoon fun.
He came home shortly after departure, calm as a cucumber and states that he fell in the creek.
Me: "Really? how did that happen?"
Lucas: "it was icy. and ____ stood on it so I thought I could too. My pants puffed up when I fell in."
Me: "you were in THAT deep!?"
Lucas: "yeah. I could touch but Daniel had to pull me out with a stick."
Me: "yeah. and that's the way that kids drown!..."

I just kept thinking of the scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" when George saves his brother's life... but loses his hearing.
And I wondered if that movie was available for instant viewing on Netflix...

As I helped him undress... imagine brand new fuzzy lined snow boots FULL of creek water.
bummer. :(
Sure. I acted surprised and mumbled about their poor choice of activities. But I've learned to never be truly surprised by what boys do.

I like to think that I have done well with giving my boys some room to roam and explore in their boyness. I observed how Thayer did 'guy' stuff with them and I tell myself to give them that same courtesy. They've had the freedom to play guns, roam around, make forts and even pretend to play "Halo" in the yard. The boys insist that "it's okay because they are only killing aliens"
oh my.

I know a few moms who are aghast at my parenting style when it comes to playtime. But I have had to make a conscious choice to let my kids be boys. Being a single mom, I certainly don't want to stunt anything that will be preparing my kids to be men. I want them to explore and learn things that guys need to learn.
My rule has generally been that things are fine unless someone is bleeding or broken.

Don't get me wrong. I love my kids and want them to be safe.
I certainly don't want to see my kids bleeding or broken... but I expect it to happen at some point.
I'm keenly aware that common sense isn't something that usually accompanies boys on their missions.
I'm also aware that accidents will happen whether I am hovering over their every move or not.

I specifically took a shower and got dressed today... just in case we needed to make a trip to the emergency room.

got man?

I've got a friend at church who always says "Jill, we need to find you a man!"
What a marvelous idea!
But seriously, I've decided that a man is not what I need right now.

Right after Thayer died, I kept saying "surely God doesn't want me to be alone for the next 60 years...."
I was hopeful that He would send someone our way when the time was right.
(That may still be the case! And I certainly wouldn't turn down the opportunity!)
But I don't dwell on that hope too much these days.

For the most part, I am content being single. That contentment usually ebbs and flows. Because, like I've said.. it's lonely.
But overall I think I'm becoming more stable with being on my own.

The suckiest part has always been the fact that the boys don't have a dad around. I mourn the fact that they may have to grow up without a man in the house. That has been the hardest thing to accept since Thayer's death. I don't see the fairness in it... and I question how THAT could be part of God's plan.


I've had some 'learning experiences' over the past two years. Both of which I tried too hard to make things work.
I know that things will work without effort when the time is right.
I look back on each 'relationship' and can recall how silly I was. Just downright weird.
But I am quick to admit that each 'relationship' was helpful in it's own way.
I know just enough what NOT to do if the opportunity to date arises again.

Several people have suggested that I try online dating. My answer is consistently "NO". I know, without a doubt, that it would suck time and energy away from my kids and myself. Can you imagine the time wasted looking through profiles and whatever else is involved? I think it would be emotionally draining and a drastic mix-up of priorities.

More recently, I have wondered if there is a window of opportunity for widows to remarry before it is a lost cause. so... if I'm not remarried in ____ years I should reserve a room at the convent?

One widow blogger just announced her engagement. (and I'm happy for her!)
Another widow in town was married after 5 years.

One dude at church was remarried 4 months after his wife died. Another guy I knew was remarried within the first year.
(I have a verbal soapbox about these guys... you'll have to ask me about it sometime.) (hint... the guys tick me off... alot)

I guess that there is no way of knowing when, or if, remarriage is in the picture. Sure... it would be nice to know if I'll be traveling the world with a hubby when my kids are grown... or if I should start researching cat adoption.

anywho. I'm not losing any sleep over it.
As of today, I am perfectly content with sleeping smack dab in the middle of my bed.

good grief

As I've mentioned before, there are a gazillion blogs devoted to widows. I seem to run across a new one every few days. It's way to many to keep up with but there are a few that I follow on a regular basis.
It's interesting to see that the 'popular' bloggers have tons of 'followers'. And that these bloggers have become quite the celebrities in the widow world. There are blogs, facebook groups,facebook discussion groups, live online chats, guest bloggers, retreats, camps, etc. etc.
It's nice to know that technology is being used to connect so many people who would otherwise feel alone in their grief. These sites have been a good thing for a ton of people.

I'm starting to wonder if there is money to be made in widow support groups. :)

More so, I am noticing that many of these 'celebrity widows' are several years into their grief. Some may be 4 or 5 years out. Some are remarried.
This makes me realize that widowhood isn't something to outgrow or get-over.
These women still have genuine, raw thoughts about the death of their husbands.
They are able to blog about death and grieving in such a way that I, and other widows, can totally relate. It is helpful to see that other widows are just as crazy, or more crazy than myself. Many of the blogs are funny and salted with dark humor... that only widows would appreciate.

Sometimes I wonder if I blog too much about poor little me, the pitiful lonely widow. But I have decided that it's okay to share my thoughts. Certainly not for pity... but just to simply get it out there. out of my head. And maybe, just maybe, a few others can relate.

You guys know that I'm doing amazingly well. And that day to day, things are fine.
But deep down, I'm hurting. Who wouldn't be?
This time of year is especially lonely for me.

and...
...I have no idea how I intended to finish this post...


The end.
:)

Slugs and Bugs and Camels

A Slugs and Bugs Christmas.
I LOVE this CD!

I pre-ordered two copies specifically to give as gifts. (And I've ordered a copy for us as well). We received the 'gift' copies yesterday and I couldn't resist claiming one as my own.
I wasn't sure if my 8 and 10 year old would be interested (because several years have past since they first enjoyed the original Slugs and Bugs)... but they were totally captivated with this new release!
I am so excited!
No other Christmas CD can transiton so easily from traditional Christmas carols to complete and utter nonsense!
'It came upon a Midnight Clear' is so naturally followed by a Hot Dog Promo and a song about cooking mice.
I'm just all smiles from ear to ear!
I'm especially excited about 'The Camel Song'...which everybody loves... and 'Jesus Loves Me' with amazing new lyrics.
Randall Goodgame does an amazing job at pointing children straight to the heart of Jesus. And for that I am thankful.

But, I am also thankful for the genius of the the track arrangement! The first half of the CD is upbeat, dance worthy and exciting. And as the album progresses it becomes more mellow... until the kids are asleep on the couch. SERIOUSLY! Tonight, Lucas was initially doing some form of the river dance. He was INTO it. But by track 13 he was nestled on the couch with me... and Daniel put himself to bed! By the end of the 'Camel Song Conversation' Lucas was asleep!
A MAZ ING.
A wonderful arrangement of wonderful songs. wonderful artists. wonderful musicians.
Oh. Did I mention that Andrew Peterson is involved as well? And his kids? ;)

nice.

You must buy this CD for your kids! (unless your kid is named Tanner or John Austin... cause they are the lucky giftees) ;)

this week

The Jill of this week....

-is in hibernation mode.

-was able to take a brief nap on Monday (and afterward, at the skating place, had to ask a friend if the drool was visible on her shirt).

-had dinner served and lunches packed for tomorrow by 5:30pm tonight.

-was technically ready for bed around 6:30 but killed some time ****IRONING*** Daniel's uniform shirt.
(I know!! ridiculous!)

-has been looking forward to spending time with the boys each night.

-bought Christmas gifts for a group of volunteers who she forgot about last year.
nice.

-is done with all preparations of Christmas. and is ready for january.

Wake me in the spring :-)

warming up

I'm warming up to the idea of Christmas. I'm still not too happy about it, but I'm in the acceptance stage, i think.
I've even listened to a few Christmas songs. But I draw the line at "Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas". That song is just... terribly sad.

I enjoyed the Andrew Peterson, Behold the Lamb of God, concert on Friday. That's always a great way to kick off the Christmas season. Being reminded of Jesus is important these days... in the midst of all of the commercialism. It was refreshing.

The first snowfall of the year appeared on Saturday, along with the city Christmas parade. We participated in the parade with D's drum and flag team. I think it was supposed to be a fun event. The jury is still out. Our group was number 60 in the procession. We arrived at 6pm to line up and didn't move in line until 7:20ish, i think. Standing out in the falling snow, and watching kids cry about their frozen fingers and toes. Not too high on the fun factor.
But once we got moving, everything was okay. :)

I'm hoping that's how Christmas will be this year. We're all prepared at our house, and waiting... and I'm hoping that once it gets going, we'll be okay.

I'm most excited about the break from school and work. only a few more weeks!

thanksgiving

I'm thankful for alot.

Wednesday, we had a much needed visit from some marvelous friends.

Yesterday, we slept late. The kids played around the neighborhood and then showed up to assemble the Christmas tree and decorate it. We had discussed skipping a tree this year... but they were in the mood... so I let them have at it.
We had a nice thanksgiving meal at my parent's house, a game of scrabble, followed by a trip to the movies to see Megamind. (Which I REALLY enjoyed!)
We also made an evening trip to Walmart to buy a space heater for our frigorific basement.
Good day, all around.

Today is our first day at home in FOR-EV-ER. My fairytale plan is to hang out around the house all day. Maybe force myself to put out some Christmas decor. Read a little.
But I'm secretly planning a trip to go roller skating if my kids will humor me.

The past few days have been great. But I notice an aching feeling that is hovering just below the surface. The holidays are bitter sweet. I'm enjoying special moments with the kids, but at the same time I take a deep breath as I think about how Thayer is supposed to be here for all of this.

The holiday music is draining. So I have made a "NON Christmas" CD for the car. Avoiding the Christmas music seems to be helping.

I'm currently reading Each Little Bird That Sings by Deborah Wiles. Just in case I didn't have enough stuff to depress me, I chose to read a book written for 8-12 year olds in which death is the main topic. It's about a little girl who lives in a funeral home...
interesting how I'm drawn to these things. Even more interesting how I'm pretty comfortable on a fourth grade reading level. too funny.
I only have a few more chapters to go and I'm hoping that the author will tie it up in a pretty package with a happy ending... but I'm not sure how she'll do it.

Kinda like life. Sometimes we can't see the happy ending, until the end...

ahhh... that was my deep thought for today :)

quilts

We are so blessed to have a family friend that was willing to make two twin size quilts with some of Thayer's clothes. We went to pick them up today and they are beautiful!


Each star is made from from Thayer's clothes.

I just had 'a moment' as I looked at, and ran my fingers over, each star and remembered each piece of clothing.
I know that the kids might not remember each item.... but for me, this is super special.
She gave each boy a little pillow. The pillowcases were made from Thayer's jeans :) too cute!

I am so thrilled that they will be able to use these quilts for years to come.
Thank you Mrs. Gallagher! The quilts are amazing!

lil' memories

I have a terrible memory. always have. When friends talk about past events, my favorite comment is: "Was I there?"
I seriously don't remember much of anything.
I get really tickled when little things trigger random memories.

Today, I had lunch with Thayer's best friend and his wife. The friend was talking about obtaining a license that would allow him to bring in extra income.
Then it hit me that he and Thayer had been planning this venture before Thayer died. Over two years ago, they had discussed these plans.... and they had even started working on another project together.
And of course, when Thayer died... so did my recollection of what he was planning. All of Thayer's thoughts and comments about their common goal had been lost.
I was very happy to hear that his friend has followed through with the initial plans.
All of that to say... that a simple conversation took me back a few years. I started to remember some of the things that Thayer was planning.
Not that it matters now. But it was nice to have a little flash into the past.

I also had a brief conversation with someone about lasik eye surgery tonight. Memories of Thayer's experience popped back in mind. How quickly I forgot that he had worn glasses when we met. I remember we had a young child (or children) when he decided to have the surgery.
(I'm curious to look back through pictures to see what year he actually had it done.)
He claimed that it was one of the best things he had ever done. He was thrilled with his new vision.
Even if he was only able to enjoy it for a few years....

I pulled out the box of old home videos tonight. I'm gearing myself, and the kids, up to watching them soon.
I was able to watch a small portion of video about 7 months after he died. And I remember watching our wedding video on (what would have been) our 10th anniversary. It was hard, tearful, but refreshing all at the same time.
Not sure what to expect when we get the home videos rolling this week.
I want to see him in action, and hear his voice.... and remember.

consider supporting this great organization!

dress code

alrighty. So. Uganda.

Less than three months away.

For the past month or so, I have been dealing with various emotions surrounding the fact that several of my family members do not support my decison to go. I have had to accept their concerns but ultimately move forward with my plans. I know that this trip will be a learning experience for me, as well as my entire family.

All of that said, I am super excited and I am ready to start thinking and planning for the trip. I'm sure that this is the first of many pre-trip posts :)

Uganda.
When I initially thought of Uganda, I thought about sleeping in a hut, covered in a mosquito net, having to pop a squat, and not showering for weeks.

Turns out that we will be staying here.

boy. my preconceived notions were wrong.

I found out today, from other team members that i will have access to wireless internet! And that I can shower! (two times a day!) And that the pizza is fantastic!
I should feel right at home :)

But... I also found out that I will need to wear "skirts and blouses".
What?!
This news was more shocking than the thought of not showering!
I haven't worn a skirt since highschool. I hate skirts. Skirts are so unflattering on me.
And so, I feel like a big baby. I'm ashamed that my vanity turned me so ugly today.
How shallow of me.

Luckily, another team member has lightened the blow to my vanity by reminding me that it's not a fashion show. And that she "has fun with it".
So... I'm heading to Goodwill this week to "have fun with it". I'm on a mission to find some skirts. Lots of skirts that I will be able to leave behind for the Ugandan women when I return to the states.
(I was excited to hear that most team members travel back to the states -with only the clothes on their backs. They give away all of their clothes and toiletries. That is super cool!)

I'm gonna 'have fun with it!'

late night ramblings

I was doing so well. I have been to bed by 10pm, or before, every night this week. I have decided to try at some new habits. My goal is to have laundry and all other chores completed before nightfall... so that I won't feel that OCD need to stay up late and finish it all.
But somehow, today, my plan was foiled.

Here I sit.... waiting on two loads of laundry to finish. I'm waiting to pack clothes so we can go and visit some of the most awesome people in the universe.

While I wait, I suppose I can entertain with some of my deep thoughts. :-) They are ALL over the place... so buckle up!

#1- I had Japanese food yesterday. (by myself. missed you melissa!) The fortune from my cookie said: "You are the master of every situation."
Yeah. mostly. never.
But wouldn't that have come in handy, several months ago, when I listened to an agnostic explain... very thoroughly...his UNbelief, while I sat in dumbfounded silence. It was a very challenging talk.
I am in the process of reading Mere Christianity by C.S. Lewis. (for the first time. gasp!)
I'm only half way through. (Because it puts me to sleep each night). So far, I agree with Lewis' conclusions... but his evidence is exhausting. Last night,I read a section where he basically shames people like me for being so childlike in their faith. It was very convicting in the fact that I need to be growing spiritually... and not just wading around in the stuff that I was taught as a kid.
Good read.
And I'd like to thank my agnostic friend for challenging me :-)

#2-absolutely unrelated to #1:
Lately, I have found that I tear up every time I notice a father and his young kids, out in public. I guess not EVERY time... but every time I have the notion to really stop and watch.
Something has to be said for men and their young kids, especially father/son interactions. Dads are so cool and laid back...it's such a neat thing to observe.
I tend to flashback and think about Thayer and my boys. And think about how he's not here. And I think about how lucky the other kids are... and that they don't even know it. What I wouldn't give for my kids to have just one more outing with their Dad...

#3- completely and utterly unrelated to #1 and #2:
I ran into a girl that I knew in MIDDLE school the other night. She quickly recognized me and immediately said,(in a slightly accusing tone)"I sent you a friend request a few months ago... and you never replied."

(insert my dumbfounded look here)

She says, "you know, on Facebook?!"
I say, "oh yeah, I try not to be on there too much." (luckily, the lightening didn't strike)
we exchanged brief 'how's the weather' about our kids and said our goodbyes.
Now, really?
Was she truly upset that I hadn't 'friended' her on FB? Am I really friends with someone I haven't seen in almost 20 years? (woah. I'm getting old!)
And just in case you've 'friended' people like that...
November 17th is NUD day! (National Unfriend Day!)
Check this out! I love it :)

the age

I heard on the radio, yesterday, that the average age that most women try to "do it all" and balance a gazillion things is 33.
I can see that as being accurate to a point... since 33 year olds are typically in high gear with kids, work or family life.
And I know of other people my age who seem to be 'doing it all' for everyone. For their family, for the church, for friends, for the school, for the neighborhood, for the needy, for strangers, for charities, for random animals.

I, on the other hand, have weaned myself off of doing a gazillion things.
That isn't necessarily a good thing. But I'm content with my non-action right now.

I'd be first to admit that the death of a spouse certainly changes things on a 'to-do' list. Lots of crazy obsessions or OCD tendencies kinda get tossed aside when one's life is turned upside down. And the dream of becoming Ms. PTA instantly vaporizes when the reality of single parenting bulldozes into the home.
I know that some single parents keep the facade of 'doing it all' for everyone... but I know better. Somebody is suffering.
I'd rather not burn the candle at both ends... because my kids usually get burned along the way.

Don't get me wrong. My schedule is booked... pretty much all of the time. But... over the past few years, I have learned to say "no" rather easily. And I don't feel too much panic when something lies undone, or if errands are delayed, etc.

Haha. As I type this... I know that I NEED to put the clothes in the dryer TONIGHT or my morning routine will be shot! And, I realize that all of the dishes must be washed and put away before I go to bed each night.

um... so scratch the OCD statement above. :-)

whew. lost my train of thought.

regroup.

I guess what I'm trying to say... is that I don't feel guilty for my non-involvement these days. I am very fortunate to have some ME time built into my schedule... which never occurred in previous years.

I realize that I am very blessed to have the luxury of in-town family members who will watch my boys as needed.

(I know that other single moms who don't have this luxury.... so if you know someone like that.... volunteer to keep their kids!! It is SO important that they get a break!)

I can thank my family for two ladies nights each month AND for my Thursday night kick-boxing class. Those activities are a large part of what keeps me sane :) Along with all of the other random activities that get me out and about.

I'm hoping that as I pull myself back to sanity that I can slowly start to gain the initiative to reach out to others again. I'd like to see myself back in the school and involved at church... but I want to get myself straight first.
As of now... I'm content with my ME time and my sanity.
(even though some of you might doubt the 'sanity' part) :)

conclusion: don't include me on the list of 33 year olds that 'do-it all'.
Maybe when I'm older :)

Happy Halloween

Recovering from last night's pumpkin party. I took a serious nap this afternoon and am looking forward to some tricks and treats tonight.

I am so proud of my costume this year:













But apparently a twisted sense of humor is common among widows. Here's another gal who had the same idea!

I'm thrilled that I'm not the only one :-) And I think we are pretty cool!

oh what a night

ahhhh.... finally sitting down at 10pm.
At 5pm, I had great plans to put the kids to bed at a decent hour (which is supposed to be 8pm), make my favorite beverage and maybe even watch a sappy movie.

yeah. that was wishful thinking.

Instead, I got into a heavy debate with my oldest about his behavior in school today. He insists that what the substitute teacher perceived as rude... was actually him trying to "follow the rules" and be "honest". I am SO baffled by his reasoning... and I often don't know if he's lying, or if he actually has a twisted view of reality. I'm wondering if a return trip to the counselor in is our future. It's just absurd.

While the oldest was debating moral issues with me, the youngest was doing...
I don't know what he was doing. He has become quite the night owl. At about 9:45 he emerged from his room to show me his loose tooth which he had twisted completely around. He worked for the next few minutes to get it out. He's a persistent little dude. (and I must mention that he has been doing fantastic. It seems like my kids take turns with the crazy cup... and it's his week off.) :)

All the while, I keep thinking how nice it would be to have two parents here. How wonderful it would be to discuss the school incident with another level headed person. Someone else to try to pick Daniel's brain.
Instead, I unload my thoughts in an email to the teachers. Gee.... I'm sure that they'll appreciate getting that in the morning.
It would be great to have another male in the house who could talk the Boy language.
They are such interesting creatures.
and I'm at such a loss.

tomorrow is a new day....

widow's dictionary

This link was shared on Facebook today.
I got a kick out of it.
It's totally true. Especially for new widows. I wouldn't say these definitions are accurate for where I am now.
Well. probably not. maybe not. most days, not.

I'm usually happy to tell people that I'm pretty content these days.
I had rattled the "content" speech off to one of my widow friends several months ago. And then I had to go back and apologize to her... for lying. Turns out that a few days after our conversation... I cried and cried about being lonely.

It's up and down. That's the norm. That's how I'm doing.
But overall... okay. :)


(weird. random post. again. ;p)

how my mind works too...

Several days ago, I read this blog. I was impressed with how she explained the fluctuation of thoughts in such a simple moment. I know that everyone thinks alot, about alot of stuff. But I think that something has to be said for people who have suffered a severe loss and are learning to carry that loss with them into their new lives. I think that other widows would totally agree that our thoughts fly all over the place. And it happens ALL day long. That might explain why I seem so ditzy sometimes. ;)

I thought it would be fun to recap the thoughts I managed to have on my short ride home tonight from my sister's house.
Try to stay with me... i think it would be easy to get lost:

I pulled out of the driveway.
It's particularly bright tonight. Yep. It's a full moon. I remember the night that Thayer died. Full moons always remind me. I remember the time that I was driving home from a movie, and was super excited to tell Thayer about it.... until I remembered that he was dead. That sucked.
I get that sinking feeling and start to tear up.
I'd hate to cry and wreck my car in the process. I don't think I see that well at night and the tears might blur my vision. I miss him. I conjure up mental pictures of Thayer. How I miss his smile... and his hands, and his waist. Wish I could hug him.
I would like to hug (friend A), but that would be awkward for us both. I would just like a hug.
(acquantance B) is out of town.
My feet are cold. I remember warming my cold feet on Thayer's feet and legs. I'll need to take a hot bath tonight. I've started the ritual again. Every night, hot bath to warm my feet. Thayer used to do that too.
Can't wait to get under my feathers. I love my feather blanket and my new pillow. Ahhh... I'm going to sleep late tomorrow. I should blog. That was random. I should blog about how random I am. First... take a bath. Crap. I forgot to feed the cat his dinner. He'll be hungry. I'll Feed cat. Take a bath. Blog under my feathers. I love my feathers. :-)


(holy cow. I just realized that was the stupidest blog post I have ever written. I am completely random... and that other girl made alot more sense with her thoughts. Anywho. that's a typical few minutes in my head. And that says a little too much about how shallow I am. I feel really blonde) :)

uganda or bust

As many of you have heard, I will be traveling to Uganda with a group from Mission Link International early next year. I am super excited about this adventure and I'm curious to find out how God is going to work in and around me.

Even though this is a 'mission trip'... I'm technically not sure what my 'mission' will be.
The trip is a medical/evangelism/construction trip.
When another team member asked if I had a medical background... my reply was, "No, I'm a widow".
ha. Can I claim that as a skill?
I'm supposing that I can be the cute one who passes out pills or something :)
But no worries. I have been informed that I'll have PLENTY to do.
I'm hoping to get a feel for the Ugandan widows and catch onto the vision of Widows United.

I seriously wouldn't say that I have been "called" to do this. Because that term sounds so churchy :p
But I know that I have an amazing confidence in my decision to go. Something SO out of my box... yet I have complete peace and excitement about heading across the world. I can only accredit God for the anticipation that I feel. I feel that He has arranged this and planned for this all along...
(weird, and sad to think about, i know.)
Two years ago.. I would have never in a million years thought I'd be planning such a trip. Or even have such a desire.
This is just another step along my journey and I'm anxious to see what's next.

I had a revelation the other day. My sister didn't seem too impressed but I'll share it anyway :)
I remembered that there are several songs that have become my prayer over the last few years. They have stuck with me... and I have prayed for God to open my eyes to something bigger than myself.
It occurred to me that this Uganda trip might be one of his answers!
Guess we should be careful what we pray for :)

familiarity

Familiarity" keeps popping in my head this week. Familiarity is a great thing! It empowers us, it makes us feel 'at home' with our surroundings. It's comfortable.

*The content familiarity of eating at Jersey Mikes with the kids. I fondly remember Sunday lunches with Thayer at Jersey Mikes. Every Sunday...it was our family tradition when we lived in C-ville. The simple act of filling my cup with Pepsi awakens the familiarity of times with Thayer... and our intact family.

*The aching familiarity of cleaning our basement family room. I avoid that room like the plague. The time between spider vacuuming seems lengthy. And it's a challenge to dust off the family photos on the mantle... but I am always so happy to get it done.

*The growing familiarity of establishing a habit. When I started walking, daily, over a month ago, I had to really carve out time and make myself get out there. Now... I find it frustrating if I have to miss a day. I've become happily familiar with my "me" time.

The more I think about it...'familiarity' is what establishes our routines, our plans. It borders our comfort zone. It's safe. Familiarity gives us that 'warm feeling' of belonging.
And it might also line the walls of our box.

As many of you know by now, I'll be traveling to Uganda in February. And there is NOTHING familiar about this trip. I'll be traveling with a group of strangers across the globe. I'll be far away from everyone and everything that is familiar. I'm pushing myself into the unfamiliar... and I am SUPER excited!!! I'm realizing that my 'box' doesn't have to be as small as I've allowed it to be. Can't wait to bust out of the box and see what happens :)

Side note: The cat pictured above is NOT Mr. Q.
Mr. Q wants to make it known that he strongly disapproves of the above image.
I, on the otherhand, think that Mr. Q is a snob, and he's very difficult to work with.
;)

A night in Acorn maze

I am thrilled to have officially started my fall activities :o)
Tonight we headed to the corn maze.
We enjoyed lots of laughter... enough for some of us to pee "just a little" in our pants. (proud to say that it wasn't me.)

I think I've accumulated enough 'inside jokes' to last me quite a while.

So... if you were one of the gazillion people who missed the evening... please don't ask for explanations. You shoulda been there ;)

To start the evening, we stopped at Huddle House for a sexual meal.
It was my first time.
Then we headed to acorn maze.

(Hold on...where the heck is Greg?!?! He WAS there! Don't let him tell you otherwise.)
Come to think of it.... I don't think Greg wanted to stand in the idiot corner. I can't blame him.

Casey tore into the maze like a pro. Until his discovery that "number nine isn't here! Somebody stole number 9!"
(that's right folks. we weren't lost... someone had just moved the scarecrow.) ;)

oh wait... there it is :)


And when attempting to help other groups exit the maze, Casey confidently explains that they need to "follow Jupiter".

yeah....
I only recall one teenager asking if we were on drugs.

I had a great night! Thanks to those who helped me celebrate the season! :-)

better now

a call from Thayer's brother -and- new Halloween underwear made everything better.

(these two subjects are completely unrelated.... but they both bring me happiness )
:o)

just gotta get this out...

We just got back from Kids Haven, where the adult group talked about "teams". It was supposed to encourage us to consider what each individual contributes to the family "team"... i think.
But all I realized, and I think others realized, is that widowed parents have to fill ALL of the roles. Leader, visionary, trainer, referee, support staff, time keeper, announcer, etc. etc.

My husband isn't here and I'm left to fill all of the roles.
Upon returning to my musty smelling, dirty house, I get angry thinking about all of the roles that I fill.
I'm angry that my husband isn't here to do what he is supposed to do. I'm angry that I have two kids that don't lift a finger to help me. I'm angry that my kids don't give a shit about... anything.
I'm angry that I have an 8 year old that is a raging lunatic whenever he is asked to be responsible about homework, personal hygiene, or help around the house. I'm angry that the same 8 year old can be the sweetest most loving person as long as he is doing what he enjoys. I'm angry that there is no balance.
I'm angry that my 9 year old enables the 8 year old to be a moron. I'm angry that my 9 year old acts like he's 2.
I'm angry that we are in this predicament partly due to piss-poor parenting, and partly due to the fact that they are so eaten up inside by the death of their Dad.

So angry.
We all are.

whew.
I feel better now.

WE Wii

My kids rarely watch tv at home. I usually keep the cable cord under lock and key and encourage them to get off of their butts.
And gaming usually isn't a problem. They go through spurts of playing a game or two... and they enjoy the DS when traveling. But they are generally okay with doing other things.
Until-
Lucas spent his birthday money on the new Mario Bros.
Earlier this week, he didn't come up for breakfast when called... so I banned the use of the Wii on weekdays.

I have decided that they can play the Wii solely on the weekends.... and I came up with the fabulous name of "WE Wii" nights.
"We Wii" stands for "WeekEnd Wii"... but just imagine Lucas smiling and pointing to his private parts each time we talk about it :-)

anywho. great idea,right?
I had decided that I would participate in these We Wii nights to make it more family friendly.
We started tonight off really well. We were playing, joking around, laughing, having a great time.
Until-

Lucas accuses Daniel and myself of killing him.



(to be clear....his character died... not really him... because let's remember... this is JUST A GAME).

but alas...screaming ensues and someone got hit with a rubber snake.

The result:
No We Wii tomorrow.
Lucas has to wait another week to play his new game.

my conclusion:
my kids just don't get it.

my own little world

I've been reading about people and their iPod playlists, as they prepare for the VA 10-miler. One gal was quick to assume that she would be judged by her music choices. But I was inspired :)
I have revamped my walking playlist to liven up my daily 3-miler. :-)
Apparently I like Kanye West...alot. weird, I know.

I've still got some 'good for my soul' stuff in there too.... Kanye's "Gold Digger" is followed by Natalie Grant's "Your Great Name".
Ha.

and this particular song has been on my mind lately:
(you have to hang in through the mellowness of it, because it has a good message)



It's inspiring me to step out of my box!
more to come....

Harvest Moon

My mom just informed me of the Harvest Moon. With a little help from Google... NASA informed me that it is a "Super Harvest Moon".

Either way. I noticed it.

I had a 'moment' as I noticed the full moon tonight on my way to kick boxing class.
Remembering that fateful evening...that was illuminated by a full moon.
Breathe.
Recalling the turmoil in our home over the past two days.
Breathe.
wondering when things will settle, IF they will settle.
Breathe.
Realizing that I am doing the best that I can.
And that I am finally doing something for 'me'.
breathe and carry on.

Well, technically, I've only been to this kick boxing class three times... but this is huge for me. I am super excited to have this time scheduled in for ME!! I know that I'm really going to enjoy this!
It's a good workout, (when I apply myself), and I think the instructor is swell. Along with some hippity-hoppity music... the time flies and I'm revved up for the evening.

Even though full moons bring me pause- I'm moving forward and feeling pretty good these days.

pulling it together for fall

I'm finally taking charge of this pit that we call home. I got hyped up on caffeine today and got the notion to finally clean up and put out the fall decorations. I get so excited every year to pull out fall things... and every year I'm surprised that I really don't have much. I've got one nifty light up thing,and a few things to put on a shelf and on the doors. And honestly, that's enough. I think that any more would throw off my 'no clutter' plan. I can't seem to decorate tastefully... so I try to avoid it when possible.

I have a friend that decorates tastefully and FULL-out for every holiday. I haven't seen her house yet... but I'm sure it looks like a pumpkin threw up... but in an absolutely gorgeous way! :-) She has such a skill for being festive. I can't wait to see her fall decorations!

anywho.

I announced to my family that I would NOT be hosting our annual pumpkin party this year.
But... as the boys and I shopped at Target tonight, we purchased the prizes for our pumpkin carving contest.
Go figure.
I am so bi-decisive about this, every year.

(yes... "bi-decisive" is a new word... just like "un-crush". pretty sure I could write my own dictionary) ;)

so... while thinking about having/not having the party, we thought it would be a grand idea to check out some Halloween costumes.
Can we say, "highway robbery?"
$40 for the same costumes that ran $30 last year. NO way. (as many of you have read, I never had a store bought costume as a kid... so I always feel foolish dishing out money to buy costumes for my own children)
But I am SUPER proud to report that my kids agreed to, and are excited about, being NINJAS! ($7 costumes!! rock on!)



I think we are ready!

tonight

thinking and praying specifically for three friends. you know who you are... so make sure you watch this...
not sure if it's you? watch it and let me know ;)



lovin' andrew peterson :-)

exterminator?

Last night at 1am, L screamed out in panic. I moseyed out of bed and went to find him standing in his room. He was pretty sure that something was in his bed. I assured him that he was having a bad dream and I tucked him back in, turned on the light of his new light saber (which came with a stand... to use as a nifty nightlight) and I went back to bed.

All the while, I'm thinking... how much I miss Thayer... and how it really sucks to be the only one to come to the rescue of a panicked dreamer.

At 1:30am, L screamed out in total horror. He had made his way to the hallway screaming, "There really is something! This is really it! There's a SNAKE in my room!!"
I shot out of bed knowing that he was pretty sure of himself this time.
D also joined us in the hallway wondering what the heck was going on.

I was 99.9 percent sure that there wasn't a snake.
But .1 percent of me remembered the fact that we had found a baby snake in our basement several weeks ago... and at the time we had joked about the possibility of mama snake having residence in our house.
Being the super brave mom that I am, I turned on his light and went to investigate his room. He begged and cried for me NOT to go in. He was crying and shaking. He was certain that the snake, which he described quite well, had been slithering on a blanket in the floor.

Now. This situation would seem easy to someone whose kids kept tidy rooms. But I was looking in at a floor covered with legos, blankets, books, clothes, etc. It's a total mess in there. And quite frankly a snake could probably live undetected for months.

So, here I was....1:30am.... picking up and shaking blankets, moving legos and searching every corner of the room with added help from a flashlight. All the while, L is crying for me to be cautious.

I explained that if there was really a snake, that I would need to find it.
I asked him, "what am I supposed to do if I find one?"
He screamed out, "CALL 911!!!"
"really?"
"no. CALL THE SNAKE AWAY-ERS!! tomorrow morning."
He was freaked out.
I paused to take some time to giggle at the predicament and his suggestions. :o)

After several minutes of searching I concluded that there was NOT a snake in his room. He had just had a vivid dream.
But just to be on the safe side, we sealed off his room and he came to bed with me.
We shared a few laughs about the incident and then drifted off to sleep.

Never a dull moment around here!

This girl gets it right, every time.
I LOVE this blog....
Widow Chick

hoarding

I just watched two episodes of Hoarders on Netflix. It was uncomfortable, to say the least.
I would consider myself the opposite of a hoarder. I'm not a fan of knick knacks, and accumulated piles of clutter eventually drive me bonkers. I'd be happy to throw out just about everything in my house that isn't furniture, or used daily.
I have a tendency to grow little piles of junk, here and there, but I go through crazy spurts where I'll just throw it all away without a second glance.

Interesting enough, as I was watching the Hoarders show, it disturbed me to see a recurring theme with the folks involved. Just about everyone started their hoarding behavior shortly after the death of a loved one, divorce, etc.
I kept thinking, "this could be me! I better keep a check on things!"

It's true... that after Thayer died, my housekeeping habits changed dramatically. (I used to be terribly anal about cleaning and keeping things in order. I would clean for days simply to have someone come over to visit.) But after Thayer's death (and probably a few years prior to), I realized that there are way more important things to focus on.
I've chosen to hang out with my kids,go out on the town and have FUN! And I love to have visitors even though I tell them to use the bathroom at their own risk :)

I want to make each day count!
We spent almost 8 hours at the skate park over the past two days.
I completely forgot about cutting my grass (which was the first time I've forgotten) and it doesn't matter at all! The grass can wait!
My 40 minute nap, in my camp chair, at the skateboard park was WAY more important! The kids said that they didn't notice I was sleeping because of my sunglasses. How convenient :o)

okay. that was a random story. and I have NO idea where I'm going with this post.
I'm just hopeful that I won't become a hoarder at home while I'm out sleeping in public.
please let me know if I start showing signs! ;)

And BY ALL MEANS... don't EVER let me become a CrAzY CaT LaDy! Yikes!

expensive

The past two evenings have been hard for L. He has been a crazed lunatic about doing homework.
This afternoon... after a temper tantrum and the consequences that followed, he admitted to me that he had broken something VERY expensive.
He was sure that it "maybe costs more than your car... you are going to kill me".

He was scared to death of what my reaction would be and what consequences would follow. He was sure that I would kill him. and if death wasn't involved... he was sure that he would have to spend several days in his room.

I couldn't imagine what, in his room, would be more expensive than my car. (come to think of it.. nothing in our house would qualify) He assured me that the window was still intact and that the furniture was unscathed.

I went in to inspect.
It turns out that he had made a TINY hole in the wall with his doorknob. I had to hold back my smiles as he hid under his bed to avoid my wrath.

"oh boy", I say, "do you want to know how much this will cost?!"
"No!" he replies. (fear and trembling in his voice)

I then go on to explain that the hole won't cost us anything except the time it will take for HIM to repair it.
I explained about the putty, the sanding and the painting... that HE will start on tomorrow after school.

That TINY hole seemed to be a HUGE wake-up call for him.
We'll see.

show Yourself!

A father to the fatherless, a defender of widows, is God in his holy dwelling.
Psalm 68:5

Sometimes I wish He would be obvious.

spoke too soon

I was just telling L's teacher about how happy he's been. A dramatic change from last spring.

But, lo and behold, he lost it tonight. And I failed miserably as a parent, again.

(we are both completely fine now... and he's sneaking around with his brother in the other room, with giggles.)

But to combat my stress, I downloaded a new ringtone and I'm on my way to have a drink and watch a depressing movie...
just because.

I'm a dork

I know. It may come as a huge surprise to most of you ;). But I am indeed a dork.

Here's a perfect example:
I've been walking alot lately. Which I LOVE!!! I've been snaking through this neighborhood each day.
Today while I was walking, a friend called my cell phone. I explained to her that that when I was done walking I have to drive my route, in my car, to calculate how many miles I walked. I told her that the neighborhood people are probably wondering about why I keep driving around. ;p

She cooly replied, "don't you have one of those pedometer things?"

hmmm... what a great idea.
She's a genius.
And therefore confirming my dorkhood. :)

Can anyone recommend a reliable and accurate pedometer?

perfect day

Work this morning, followed by lunch with friends.

A beautiful afternoon for my walk. iPod armed with my new Weepies CD.


I Was Made For Sunny Days.
Beautiful blue skies and God's creation singing all around. I'm sure that I felt Him in the breeze.
It was the kind of day that called for driving the LONG way home. Windows down.
Drove through the car wash (with windows up) and splurged on the $10 wash.

(And don't we all know that the $10 car wash means....
get your umbrellas ready for tomorrow.)

enjoy the sunshine!

this is it

I woke up feeling a bit like this today.
This guy got it right. Please take the time to read....
and simply replace the references to hobbits and other weird things with something you can picture :-)

It's coming!

September is just around the corner.
And that means that October is just around the next corner! Which means that fall and Halloween are practically here!

The stores are starting to put out the goods.
My friend and I perused things at the craft stores the other week and it was refreshing.

But today, at Walmart, I actually made an audible *gasp* as I turned a corner and saw the ladies stocking the fall merchandise. It was lovely.

I think I've decided that as soon as I get the motivation to clean up this house... I will get out the Halloween things. I think it's time. :0)

Let the festivities begin!!!

(I'm hoping to take a big group of adults to the corn maze this year! I wanna go at night and have teams race to the finish. sounds like fun, eh? let me know if you are interested!!)

Lord of the yawns

The boys watched Lord of The Rings for the first time tonight.

yawn.

I tried. I really tried.

The books are classics. The movies are favorites. Even my sister and brother-in-law like to fantasize that they are the characters ;)

I just can't get into it. I've only been able to pay attention for segments of the movies. I think I even slept through one of them.

Tonight was no different. I was giving it a try but then I realized that I would much rather look through my high school yearbook.

I noticed that my eyebrows were so big back then. (kelly! maybe I'm a vampire!)

anywho. the kids enjoyed the movie. It took L a while to go to sleep afterward. Hope I haven't scarred him for life. There was some pretty gory stuff going on.

yawn.

loner

Yesterday was my last free day of summer. I start work on monday. The kids were in school and I didn't have anything on the calendar. My first thought was that I should clean the house. But who wants to stay home and clean when the kids are gone and you're a free woman?!
I decided to hit a noon movie.



I am really drawn to this type of move... It was similar to my favorite, Under the Tuscan Sun.
I get so inspired by these stories.
I would LOVE to be brave enough to pack my bags and hit the road. I would love to travel and see the world. I would love to have a new start at things because I know that the sky is the limit. I want to really LIVE!

And yet I know that my kids are a priority right now. Taking off for an overseas adventure for a year looks like it won't fit in with their school schedule. And since I don't want to miss their childhood, I think I'll stay put for now.
But be aware that while I'm driving the kids to school and making my Walmart run, I'm most likely daydreaming about what the future may hold.

I have a near future plan about visiting Uganda. So we'll see what happens from there....

Move over Rachel Ray

This is the post you have all been waiting for!

I've cooked dinner every night this week!
Nothing fancy.... but they were meals... that I cooked!!

Rewind.
As many of you know... I have had no desire or motivation to cook since Thayer died. For over two years, the thought of spending time in the kitchen was depressing and dreadful. I would prepare basic foods for us to eat, but we would ultimately eat out alot.
I was amazed to see that Thayer's death severely impacted our eating habits. who would have thought?

So... over two years have passed.
And this week I have cooked! Not only cooked... but I've also baked! I've spent some crazy time in the kitchen. I am on a food preparation high.
I owe alot of this motivation to our new schedule (discussed below). I want to be super intentional at keeping us planted at home in the evenings. That will help alot.

I pray that this new desire will stick! I'm actually looking forward to feeding my kids :-)

back in business

Our new school schedule.
Love it.
I think we thrive on routine. And since school has started, I have attempted to keep us on a strict schedule of sorts. And as it turns out... we have a ton of free time!

The kids get home from school shortly after 4pm. At this point, it's FREE time.

Our new dinner time....6:30. The old me would have freaked out about having dinner this late.
I used to think that the perfect wife would have dinner on the table each night when the hubby came home.
But! I recently realized that I'm not perfect... and I'm not a wife.
So the 6:30 deal is working wonders!!! The kids are able to play, play, play, play and then be ready to call it a night when dinner hits. (there is no begging to play outside after dinner!) :)

Secondly... I've initiated a 7pm homework time. Yep... the old me would think that this is absurd. But again.... the kids play, play, play, play and then it's time for business after dinner. The new rule is: if they have "issues" with doing homework at 7, then they will have to do it after school on the next day, missing a chunk of their 'free' time.

The thing that I notice most is that the kids are so happy with all of the free time that they have. Last year it was a struggle to get homework done after school, and then it seemed like I was calling them in for dinner right away, then they would want to go back out. Lots of choppy activities. Being rushed from one to the next. But this year, if things go well... they have over two hours of 'social' time before they are required to have 'mom' time.

So far, so good! I pray that it will continue!

I'm fine, really.

gee. I was going to post about our week so far. I wanted to brag on our new routine and give good reports on the kids. (and I will... eventually).

Things were going really well today. I had lunch with a friend, did some shopping and then did absolutely nothing productive. The kids were in good moods and things seem pretty good.

Bedtime was a little rocky. And after I put the kids to bed, I got that agitated sinking feeling. It mirrored the anxious feelings that used to steal my breath after Thayer died.
I can't explain it fully.
And I certainly can't explain why it creeps up on me after a perfectly fine day.
I don't have anything pressing on my schedule but yet I still managed a little bit of panic.
weird.

I think I can chalk it up to a grief burst. Cause those certainly come when you least expect 'em.
My pity party consisted of thinking to myself that, "no matter what I do, I'm just. not. enough."
Not enough for running this house, not enough for my kids.
Thayer is supposed to be here. This is a two person job.

But as soon as I think, "I'm not enough"... God reminds me that HE is.
Though the reality of His reminder doesn't stop the tears, it takes away the guilt. (It's okay if I'm not a super mom...)
So I pull myself together, fold the sheets, and move on.

Tomorrow is a new day.

what's in there?

I woke up completely intrigued about how our brains work.

For those of you who know me, I can't remember anything. My memories of events and people are usually foggy or absent. My close friends tell me about things that I did as a youngin' and I'm usually amazed to hear it.

So why is it that I have completely vivid dreams, atleast once or twice a year that involve this guy?

(And not the big scary football player guy. More of the middle/high school guy that I knew as a kid. )

These dreams are not romanticized. We are usually on some type of adventure as a couple. Last night we ran into a couple of other guys from middle school. (brian brooks and jonathan eckard?... do those names sound right?) ;)

Oh gosh, I sound nuts.

Paris was always really nice to me. I CAN remember that he was always super kind to me even when I was being teased by other boys.

Can it be that his kindness made that deep of an impression on me? So much that my subconscious has kept him on cast?

It's just weird. and I wanted to share :-)

last day of summer

Today is the last day of freedom.
Or, as D corrected me... tomorrow will be the first day of freedom... when he gets back to school. :-)
either way... tomorrow is the big day.
We are all ready to get back into our routine. And I'm ready to send them packing in the morning :-) (Except for the fact that I'll have to set an alarm tomorrow)
But instead of organizing school supplies or making sure they have clothes to wear.... I am sitting here amongst piles of laundry, emersed in Netflix, while the kids are spending their last full day of summer in the street.
I'm still debating the evening trip to Walmart for groceries and perhaps the new backpacks they have been asking for.
What am I procrastinating for? I think I'm trying to hold onto my last few hours of summer irresponsibility. Responsible parenting starts tomorrow.
I can do it. I can.

getting comfortable?

When I start to debate about how to update my kitchen or what type of hardwood floors to install.... things are quickly put back into perspective when I read blogs like this and this.

happy birthday

Today would have been Thayer's 40th birthday.
I can't predict how we would have celebrated. Not sure if I would have thrown a party for him... or if we would have done the regular cake thing with the fam.
We would have certainly teased him about getting older. :)

I wondered if they celebrate birthdays in heaven. L told me that every day would be like birthday celebration... because every day is perfect in heaven.
makes sense.
So... while Thayer was celebrating a perfect day in heaven, we celebrated in our own way.

The boys and I headed out this morning with my sisters, my bro-in-law, and my Dad. We hit the river for a tubing adventure in honor of the day.
(Thayer had always enjoyed tubing)
It was not an ideal day for tubing... (cloudy and rainy)... but we made the most of it as we enjoyed the cooler temperatures. It was D and L's first tubing experience and they had a BLAST! L says that he wants to go again tomorrow :)

This evening, my family gathered at my parent's house to share a meal in memory of Thayer. And the boys set off fireworks with my Dad.
It was a great day.
Thayer would have enjoyed this day. We miss him.

2 years

August 16th.
Two years.
what can I say? The reality has certainly sunk in, and settled. Even though in quiet moments I still think to myself, "wow. this is really happening. My husband is dead.... dead.... He's dead."

Last night, after weeks and weeks and weeks of intentionally not thinking on such things, I allowed myself to "go there". I had a great, cleansing cry. I grieved again for the relationship that ended so suddenly. I grieved for a husband and father that was snatched too early. And I grieved for past moments that are mere memories.
I recalled, that after Thayer died I feared the day that I would call him my "late husband" and I cringed at the fact that, just last week, I spoke of "my late husband" during a phone conversation. The Thayer that I was so scared of turning into a "memory" is just that... a memory.
Gosh I miss him.

On a somewhat brighter note.....
After my good cry, I was ready to face August 16th.
To commemorate the day, the boys and I (along with my family) hiked to the spot where we had scattered Thayer's ashes last year. It was a hot, sweaty hike but I was energized by spending time with family and being outdoors.

After our hike, we hit the parkway and visited our favorite swimming hole.
The kids had a blast.

We enjoyed the day... all day.

We returned home briefly and I'll admit that not every moment of the day was peachy-keen. At 5:30pm, I mentioned to D and L that two years ago, at that moment, we were having our last dinner with their Daddy. (Ravioli). I even took some time to look through my 'memory' book, look at the police report and coroners report. Thayer had died at 6:20. (I knew the time well... but the reading the reports kind of brought the reality back to me)














Luckily, for an impromptu dinner, a few of us headed to La Carreta in honor of Thayer. Sure wish he could have been there to order his favorite: Quesadilla Texana. :-)

I returned home all hyped up on caffeine and company. The boys finished their summer packets for school (registration is tomorrow!!), I received a call from my dear brother-in-law, and a friend came over to watch a movie.

Busy with people and fun on this not so cheery day in history.

I am thankful for everyone who made this day bearable.
We were especially blessed today by a semi-flood of cards, emails, and even flowers sent by dear friends who remember this day and recognize the loss that we all feel. I was encouraged by all of the thoughts and prayers enclosed in each little note.

re-entry

Just returned from visiting the in-laws, minus the husband link. nice but tough.
re-entry is usually difficult but tonight I am overwhelmed!
thrown back into reality with:

-news of kaput AC / signs of a working AC. (thanks parents and Greg!)
-unexplained water in the basement.
-laundry, laundry, laundry.
-piles of mail...... thoughtful cards that made me sad and completely ignorant letter from my father-in-law. (should have waited until tomorrow to open those)
-phone messages that I'm not ready/ wanting to return.
-rotten fruit.
-dead husband.
and I think what put me over the top....
the cat has been sleeping on the couches!! the hair is the proof. Just sickening.

While driving home tonight.... I was fantasizing about moving to a foreign country. I was thinking about my favorite movie, Under the Tuscan Sun.... and I thought about how bold it would be if I moved to another country. I had it all planned out. I'd either move now... with the kids, as long as they had an english speaking school. Or... the second that L graduated I'd pack my bags.
Consider this your fair warning.

I know that the rotten fruit would follow me to any country. And maybe the cat would too. And I know that there would be home maintenance problems in other countries too. But atleast those problems wouldn't be in the house where Thayer is supposed to be fixing things.
Sometimes I just feel like I need a new start.

Luckily... tomorrow is a new day. :-)

and then, gone

As the two year anniversary of Thayer's death approaches, there is an anticipation in the air. Not sure what to expect when the reality of two years without him hits. For the most part... I do okay with keeping busy and not dwelling too much on the details.
But yet, it's all in the details.

I just got through reading a fellow widow's blog about the last day that she spent with her husband. I can't help but notice how ordinary those last moments were.
And then he was gone.

In the book, The Year of Magical Thinking, Joan Didion noticed the same. She writes:
Life changes in an instant.
The ordinary instant.
confronted with sudden disaster we all focus on how unremarkable the circumstances were in which the unthinkable occured, the clear blue sky from which the plane fell, the routine errand that ended on the shoulder with the car in flames, the swings where the children were playing as usual when the rattlesnake struck from the ivy....

and then, gone.

All of this to say that I'm trying to remind myself to live in the ordinary. To not take the ordinary for granted... because that's what we've got. We aren't guaranteed another moment on earth but we can attempt to enjoy the ones we've got left.

One of my favorite "thayer songs" comes to mind. Oddly enough... I've got several hippity hop songs that I sing to Thayer when I jam out with the iPod.
LOVE this one...



"Who Knew" Pink

You took my hand
You showed me how
You promised me you'd be around
Uh huh
That's right
I took your words
And I believed
In everything
You said to me
Yeah huh
That's right

If someone said three years from now
You'd be long gone
I'd stand up and punch them out
Cause they're all wrong
I know better
Cause you said forever
And ever
Who knew

Remember when we were such fools
And so convinced and just too cool
Oh no
No no
I wish I could touch you again
I wish I could still call you friend
I'd give anything

When someone said count your blessings now
'fore they're long gone
I guess I just didn't know how
I was all wrong
They knew better
Still you said forever
And ever
Who knew

Yeah yeah
I'll keep you locked in my head
Until we meet again
Until we
Until we meet again
And I won't forget you my friend
What happened

If someone said three years from now
You'd be long gone
I'd stand up and punch them out
Cause they're all wrong and
That last kiss
I'll cherish
Until we meet again
And time makes
It harder
I wish I could remember
But I keep
Your memory
You visit me in my sleep
My darling
Who knew

Silence

It has been said that silence is a virtue.
I woke up this morning... without a voice.
Seriously can't say anything.
It's the most debilitating feeling.
I feel like I'm communicationally handicapped.

('communicationally' should totally be a real word) ;)

Voice and volume are things that hearing/vocal people completely take for granted. When Ursula came and took my voice away last night... I woke up feeling completely helpless, like Ariel.
Speaking in a whisper is irritating and it makes a majority of communication difficult. Conversations are difficult, phone calls are left unanswered and parenting is almost impossible. (I'm resorting to claps and snaps)

Anywho.
On the way home today my quiet thoughts were interrupted by a shrill, horrific scream from the backseat. I had never heard such a scream come from little boys before so I had no idea what to expect as I glanced around to inspect the damage. I saw that both kids were screaming, and sheer terror was on their faces as they tried to maneuver away from a huge hairy spider that was perched on the rear headrest.

Out of my silence I managed to muster up a scream and then attempt to unbuckle L's seat belt so he could move to safety. I peeled into the nearest parking lot and we evacuated the car. All three of us piling out the car and screaming like maniacs was probably a curious sight. Somehow I managed to demand a shoe off one of the kids and I re-entered the vehicle, screaming as I approached the condemned. It took a few hits to still the beast and we were all weary about getting buckled back in... in fear that there would be more.
We made it home unscathed.
But I'm not too sure about my voice. I'm creeped out thinking about the spider screams that I mustered from my silent throat.
We'll see what happens.
As for now... I think my kids are kinda liking this.

uneventful

I'm kicking back with my favorite beverage thinking about our uneventful day that wasn't.

Yesterday I was under the weather and managed to nap on-and-off for about 5-6 hours, watch 2 movies and catch up on a ton of email. It was yucky to feel sick... but it was refreshing to have a sick day.
Today I woke up feeling fine and ready to have some fun.

We swam this morning and returned home for a free day.... "free" simply meaning that nothing else was written on the calendar for today.
I decided it was a grand day to cut the grass.
The paid yard man that manicures my neighbor's yard...
(nope...not those neighbors... the nice ones on my other side.)
He and I have pretty much been on a Thursday schedule for the past few weeks so I thought I'd get out there and look busy.
BTW, I've been pretty proud of my mowing this summer :)

After sweating for a couple of hours, doesn't everyone feel like taking a shower and then painting? Sure enough I took a shower and then decided to paint the trim in my bathroom. This was odd, seeing how we painted the walls about three years ago and I was going to paint the trim, cabinets and doors "soon".
I'm proud to say that the three year project has been completed!

During my painting frenzy:
-That HUGE thunderstorm hit.
-My kids were missing. (don't worry. they had found shelter) :)
-The AC abruptly stopped working.
-My INTERNET stopped working!!!! (Oh the horror!!)
-my kids showed up. with others. mine were hungry.
-L fixed himself dinner. (egg sandwich)
-D was waiting for other food. (great moms serve spaghetti-Os, right?!)
-Greg T. (my neighbor) and Andy Maddox showed up, from my new favorite company:

(434)-821-6231
I love these guys!


finally... paint brushes were cleaned, kids were showered and we sat to read Dr.Seuss's Sleep Book which happens to be the longest children's book ever published. I'm proud to report that I didn't skip any pages.

(The boys were quite tickled to hear that Thayer used to always skip pages in this book and they never noticed. Thayer was a very gifted Dr. Seuss page skipper.)

Pretty eventful day, I'd say.