I've got a friend at church who always says "Jill, we need to find you a man!"
What a marvelous idea!
But seriously, I've decided that a man is not what I need right now.
Right after Thayer died, I kept saying "surely God doesn't want me to be alone for the next 60 years...."
I was hopeful that He would send someone our way when the time was right.
(That may still be the case! And I certainly wouldn't turn down the opportunity!)
But I don't dwell on that hope too much these days.
For the most part, I am content being single. That contentment usually ebbs and flows. Because, like I've said.. it's lonely.
But overall I think I'm becoming more stable with being on my own.
The suckiest part has always been the fact that the boys don't have a dad around. I mourn the fact that they may have to grow up without a man in the house. That has been the hardest thing to accept since Thayer's death. I don't see the fairness in it... and I question how THAT could be part of God's plan.
I've had some 'learning experiences' over the past two years. Both of which I tried too hard to make things work.
I know that things will work without effort when the time is right.
I look back on each 'relationship' and can recall how silly I was. Just downright weird.
But I am quick to admit that each 'relationship' was helpful in it's own way.
I know just enough what NOT to do if the opportunity to date arises again.
Several people have suggested that I try online dating. My answer is consistently "NO". I know, without a doubt, that it would suck time and energy away from my kids and myself. Can you imagine the time wasted looking through profiles and whatever else is involved? I think it would be emotionally draining and a drastic mix-up of priorities.
More recently, I have wondered if there is a window of opportunity for widows to remarry before it is a lost cause. so... if I'm not remarried in ____ years I should reserve a room at the convent?
One widow blogger just announced her engagement. (and I'm happy for her!)
Another widow in town was married after 5 years.
One dude at church was remarried 4 months after his wife died. Another guy I knew was remarried within the first year.
(I have a verbal soapbox about these guys... you'll have to ask me about it sometime.) (hint... the guys tick me off... alot)
I guess that there is no way of knowing when, or if, remarriage is in the picture. Sure... it would be nice to know if I'll be traveling the world with a hubby when my kids are grown... or if I should start researching cat adoption.
anywho. I'm not losing any sleep over it.
As of today, I am perfectly content with sleeping smack dab in the middle of my bed.
5 comments:
Jill, Great post. All the emotions are the same here. I am dating. It is still lonely, it is hard to really let anyone in and still you want a Dad, but mostly their Dad around. I cannot imagine anyone replacing the real thing. This time of the year is hard, and much harder than I ever thought it would be, really harder than last year. I'm here for you...ALWAYS. Barb G
Humans constantly want to 'fix' one another regardless. There is no timeline on finding love, or replacing love. One of the doctors I work for lost his wife to cancer, quit practicing for a few years to raise his children, and then found someone and remarried eventually. He is an older, white-haired fellow. You just never know! (great to see you yesterday.)
Oh, sweetheart. Just like you were led into your life as it is right now, you'll be led into your life as it will ultimately be. It's a course that's impossible to plot and sometimes hard to follow, but it always gets you somewhere.
:-)
You know, I never met Thayer, but saw his picture recently on your Facebook profile. It's amazing how much both of your boys resemble him. It shouldn't be amazing, because obviously, he's their dad! But never having met him, I've always looked at your boys in how they resemble you.
I love you gals! thanks for the encouragement!
and barb....we missed you at Kids Haven on monday. (hugs to you!)
Hi, I just came over from the widowchick site -- I like your little writings and attitude. I feel if God wants someone new in my life guy wise (currently can't imagine as D has not been gone quite 7 months) He is well able to orchestrate the meeting without me desperately looking! I was single until I was 50 and now I'm single again (56).
I was in West Africa in 1987. You will so enjoy your trip. It us an eye opener. I like how you are helping other widows -- I believe there is healing in that.
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