not quite a thrill ride

Widowhood is a roller coaster. The ups and downs come whether you want them to or not. I'm learning to tighten the Harness and roll with it.

After Thayer's death, I kept thinking, "Surely God doesn't want me to be alone for the next 60 years! I really want to get remarried!"

Fast forward almost two years:

Just a few weeks ago, I confidently told a fellow widow that I was "content". We were discussing the hot topic of dating.
I had, over a period of time, come to accept the fact that I may never remarry.

Let's face it...I'm not out trying to pick up men... And I have absolutely NO desire to try the online stuff. I figure that if God wants someone to show up... He'll send someone my way.

My widow friend said something cute like, "you can't find what you're not looking for"... (or something like that)
She may have a good point... but I'll take my chances.

Sure enough... a few days after my "content" conversation... I had a weeping session thinking about how lonely I was.

I had to go back to my friend and tell her that I was a liar. Certainly not an intentional liar.
But just in a matter of days, the bottom dropped out and I was sent plummeting downhill. My contentness fell prey to loneliness.

And it's not the kind of loneliness that can be filled by extended family and friends.
And I'm not talking about intimate stuff either...(so get your mind out of the gutter!)

I'm talking about the loneliness that needs to stay up late and talk about mundane moments from her day...the loneliness that wants to be taken care of, the loneliness that needs a second opinion on house projects, the loneliness who needs help with household chores and meal ideas, and who aches for help disciplining the kids... because she never signed up to do this alone.
This is the kind of loneliness that misses having an escort from the basement to the bedroom after a scary movie (because you never know what might be hiding under the stairs!)
Missing a best friend. Missing the constant. Just missing.

So last night, this "content" gal started to earnestly pray for God to prepare a man for our family.
We'll see how it plays out.

the minions

The kids and I saw Despicable Me this afternoon.
The minions in this movie totally reminded me that I needed to blog about my karate meeting. Those of you who have heard my rendition of the karate minions will understand ;)

PLEASE NOTE: I absolutely LOVE the karate classes that my kids participate in. The instructor is FABULOUS! He does a wonderful job with the kids and I think he is an amazing guy. (seriosly, M.A... I think you're great!) ;)

Anywho.
It was time for me to have the meeting with the karate instructor about moving L into the “leadership” program. I had SO many questions, and a horrible feeling in my gut about the whole thing.
I had worked myself up into a tizzy of anxiety about the meeting. As I have blogged about in the past… this particular karate place relies on marketing and soliciting that I think is really creepy.
I typed a list of questions late one night and had them in hand so I wouldn't forget to address my concerns.
When I arrived, the master dude asked what the paper was for... and I said that it had questions for him. I mentioned that he could do his shpiel and then I'd ask. He proceeded to take the paper from me and answer the questions. Which was fine until I remembered that I had written my own personal 'notes to self' along with the questions.
oops.
I think he especially liked where I typed "the whole timeshare talk is sketchy".
haha
I shared my irritation with some of... well...all of their methods. And I must admit that he was SUPER professional about it and he was kind and gracious even though I called his business practices sketchy and creepy.
And I am so relieved that i had typed "sketchy" because I usually refer to it as "sleazy". :-)
I must say that he is really good at what he does. And he was so nice about things.
I left the meeting with a weight lifted and my bank account still in the black.
I declined the leadership program because I figured it would make more sense to buy groceries, clothes, school supplies... or a car... rather than extend our time with the karate studio.

I'm thinking Boy Scouts for the fall. Anyone know of a good troop in the area??

fishing camp

Last week, upon my search for a fishing experience for my boys…
They were invited to attend the Fishing Camp at
One Body In Christ Ministries. This invitation was a huge, unexpected blessing for my kids.
So this past week, the boys were able to enjoy a week of fishing… and ultimately a week full of “boy” stuff.
This, accompanied by lessons on the armor of God, made for a great summer experience for the kids.
Thanks to Dave and Angela at OBIC!! I am so encouraged by their love of people and their desire to share Christ with the community. Please check them out and think about supporting their ministry!



While they were fishing it up... I managed to breeze through an entire kid-free week by running errands, meeting up with friends, and helping my sister paint. It's amazing how quickly time passes.
The kids were at camp most days from 8:30-5:30 so I got a taste of what it would be like to have my kids in full time day care. It was kinda sad. We probably only saw each other for 2.5 hours each day. But some of that time was spent at karate class, or they were out with the neighborhood kids before bedtime.
It was a great week overall... but I'm not sure if it would be enjoyable on an ongoing basis. I think I'm becoming a softie in my old age :)

The hot weather this weekend has allowed for us to have some "recovery" time. Yesterday we lounged around at my parent's house and enjoyed a meal with the family.
Summer is coming to an end too quickly. I think we'll make the most of what free time we have left...

overload

I must admit that I'm on blogger overload. I have recently come upon a gazillion blogs written by widows and widowers. It's too many to delve into right away but I hope to peruse through them at my leisure.
One particular blog contains links to atleast 100 other "widow blogs". And when you visit those blogs... they have links to more blogs. It's insane!

The one thing that is confirmed as I thumb through the list.... that there is no timeline of grief. I'm learning that people who experienced the death of a spouse in 2005 are still writing about their grief journey.
After reading these other blogs I am encouraged to blog down my grief road as I see fit. I think I had toned it down a bit because I'm pretty sure that people were getting sick of my blabbering.

Truth is...I'm pretty content with my life right now, but there is still a HUGE hole where Thayer used to be. So if you see more blogs about him... it's because I'm giving myself permission to "go there" more often.

And please keep a check on my favorite blog links over in the right column. I'll be updating it with my favorites as they come along.

love love love andrew

Andrew's latest album, Counting Stars, releases on July 27th!!
Click here to pre-order! you won't regret it!



(click on the video to go to YouTube... for the full size version. not too sure why my blog won't fit it all)

it's an art

It's an art that I'm slowly developing this summer. And a technique that will be scratched when the wheels of reality start turning this fall.

It's the art of napping.

I used to be, quite frankly, ticked off at the fact that Thayer could simply sit down at any time of day and close his eyes for a quick nap. I used to think, "how can he sleep when there is SO much to be done around here?!"
He was the kind of guy that worked hard and then rested well. Looking back, I wonder what ever gave me the right to question how he spent his down time?
He had mastered the art of working his ass off and then consciously taking a break.
He was able to sit with a good book or simply lay on the couch and doze amidst the chatter of little people at his feet.

The only fault with my new napping routine is that I am not working hard. For the past two weeks, I have done nothing. absolutely nothing. It's a rare moment in time where I want to relish in the fact that I am free to read or sleep as I want to.
I've had friends over late at night and my bedtimes have been whacked....so the little dozes during the day seem to make sense.

I managed to take a cat nap a few minutes ago and i was rudely interrupted by requests for an afternoon at the lake. I quickly succumbed and peeled myself off of the couch to make some lunch.
Afternoon at the lake... here we come :-)

gotta love summer!

Halloween in July

yeah, I know it's supposed to be "Christmas in July". But I'm just not a Christmas person.
Wow. don't take that as a statement of not liking Jesus' birthday. I really am super glad that Jesus was born. But I'd rather not have the choatic frenzy that has become "Christmas". I'd be happy with skipping straight from Halloween to Easter. Everything else in between seems so MUCH.

All of that said.
It's July 13th and the halloween cookies are in the oven.
I accidentally overstocked on the halloween funfetti cake mix and orange icing last fall. (There are nifty instructions for cookies on the side panel)
Thinking back, I'm not really sure it was an accident. Perhaps I subconsciously stocked the pantry so I could secretly have a dose of orange at other times of year.

July is usually the time I start contemplating halloween and EVERY July I say "I'm not doing a party this year". And every july, someone says... "but you will".

Thayer used to be the one who would say "it'll happen".
Early in our marriage, he didn't understand my love for all things pumpkin. But as the years passed... he either played along to make me happy... or I think he secretly started to enjoy it as much as me! :-) So every July, we'd chat about a party and ultimately he would say that it was a go.

So the story continues:
Last week, as I was sitting on the beach with another pumpkin lover, we started chatting about our annual halloween parties.
I said "I don't think I'll do a party this year"
and she said...
"you will".

It's inevitable, I think. We'll see.
But just in case... I've got the date marked on my calendar :)

lingering

My vacation mindset is still lingering, even after two days of re-enty to normal life.
Tonight I am wondering... could this actually be our current "normal"?
The house is still clean from my pre-beach cleaning, the bills are paid, it's rainy outside... and I technically don't have anything to do!! This is a rare miracle.
The kids are out, at every chance, galavanting around the neighborhood. And I am left alone to question myself about what to do next.
Yesterday, church was followed by a three hour nap and a trip to Walmart.
Today, I curled up with a biography of Hudson Taylor. I had ordered this "must read" from Amazon... and it arrived just in time for this rainy day.
I must have quickly realized what a huge fan I am of historical biographies... because I was out cold by the 3rd chapter. It was a great day for another nap.
I peeled myself out of bed in time for Kids Haven. And things went well.
I think I could get used to this. It's been a nice few days.
:-)

beachin' it.

We’ve been beachin’ it up this week with some friends. The weather has been amazing and we have enjoyed the surf and the sound. It’s been a nice time that is drawing to an end too quickly.

I’ve been thinking about how our vacation buddies have been so kind and inclusive of us. It is so refreshing to have friends that accept me and my boys… as a package. They take the good with the bad and go out of their way to make us feel like part of their family.