radio silence

I'm slowly realizing that my blogging hobby has come to a screeching halt.

I remember reading another blog that described how "mommy blogs" are prevalent.... but when it comes to teenagers, the blogging community is silent.     It's not the fact that parenting suddenly becomes simple or uneventful.     It's quite the opposite. When dealing with teenagers, it's just not appropriate to air their dirty laundry on the world wide web.  (There is SO much dirty laundry.... literally and figuratively!)   However these kids have suddenly become close-to adult age and I assume it's nice to respect their privacy.

I initially used this blog to update my parents when we lived out of town. 
I then used the blog as a form of therapy after Thayer died.   My writing has been an integral part of my journey, my grief, my healing, our life story.

Our life story is still in full swing but I just haven't been able to share.   The teenage boys, the new husband, the new job, selling houses, the upcoming move to a new house, personal challenges, career challenges. 
BIG life transitions. 
Greg has been hit the hardest with life change and yet he is as solid as a rock.   I'm so thankful for him.     He is my confidant and my sounding board.    I've honestly not needed to blog because I have him here to listen to my thoughts.   How precious it is to have someone to share your life with.
(Alas, Greg is an adult too, with a fairly public job.... which requires that I respect his privacy as well.)

So...all of these factors leave my blogging mind a little hush hush for now.     We'll see if the future brings about more opportunity for deep thoughts that require a bit of typing. 
I hope so....

this past year

(I want to preface this blog with acknowledgment that this past year has been difficult for lots of people. Family and friends have faced death, illness, heartbreak, unemployment, and strained relationships... to name a few.  I know that many folks are glad to see the end of 2016 and they are praying for a better year to come. 

 I wish everyone a better 2017!)

 January 1st has always been my day for reflection, and summarizing, of the past year.    My blog posts from the year always remind me of how far our family has come, or they emphasize things that have been important to me.

Well...   I only posted 14 times this year.   ha.

I was apparently too busy to blog this year while I was managing family, friends, my new man, and new hobbies.  
 To sum up my year... it was awesome!   I feel confident to say that this has probably been my best year.... in years!

I didn't claim 2016 as my own like I've done other years.   I was gonna let it play out.

But while reading through old posts I can see I was shifting my thinking and gearing up for change.   Early in the year, I wrote a bit about reevaluationg my role in certain social relationships.  I also wrote about how I was anticipating change.  I started doing yoga every day, I started attending a new church group.   Looking back now, I can see that I was finally stepping out of my box and being open to something new.
Deuteronomy 2:3 is written on a sticky note in my kitchen window.  It says, "You have circled this mountain long enough.  Now turn north!"

2016 was my year to 'turn north' and I am thrilled with how God laid the road.

The biggest blessings this year:
-I lost the weight!
- I have daily exercise habits that I LOVE.  
-Physically, I feel better than I have since before kids.
-I'm dating the most amazing man.
-I am so in love and I have high hopes of a future with that man.  (no pressure, Greg)  ;)    
-My boys are healthy and happy.  (well... as happy as teenagers can be, I suppose).  
-Emotionally, my love tank is overflowing.
-God has been good to our little family this year.

A list of phrases that I thought I would NEVER say.... and I DID in 2016:
-I'd like to go to the game on saturday.
-I need more UVA shirts.
-All of my clothes are too big.
-Boys, I'm going for a jog.
-I think I've become a morning person.
-On my run this morning...
-Awww.  Puppies!
-I need more dresses.
-If we get a dog...

No telling what 2017 will be like!!
Bring it!

times are changing

not really.    Things are eerily staying the same around here.

 But that recent time change has totally thrown me for a loop.   I feel like I'm ready for bed by dinnertime.    It feels SO late by then.   

Tonight we waited for, what seemed like an eternity, for Daniel's guitar teacher to arrive for a lesson. He arrived in the concealment of deep, dark night..... at 6pm.    

(Shout out to Lynchburg Guitar Lessons!!  Patrick has been so accommodating! )

I know that I will eventually get used to the shift in daylight, because I always have.  But this week has been tough.    The nights seem to linger forever.    

I can understand why people suffer from that seasonal depression stuff.   

 I am by no means depressed.... but just yawny.  very yawny.

I've wanted to write lately but I'm fresh out of interesting.    

I recently ventured online to have my blog posts from 2012-2013 printed and bound.   I get so giddy when I receive a fresh book, of my words, in the mail.    I can't wait to thumb through it and feel like I'm "published".   I know I wrote about this previously.... but I'm thrilled to be able to share my memories with my boys this way.     One day, when I'm old, and forgetful  (eh, any day now) I know that I'll enjoy reading back through our years.

anywho.

I've spent a bit of time this week watching Friday Night Lights on Netflix.    I was told to watch it.... (thanks, Katie)....so I felt obliged. 

First of all.... I am not a football fan.... so the first few episodes were VERY difficult to get through.   But now I'm hooked.   Basically caught by the character who has become paralyzed.   I'm only 8 or 9 episodes in but I want to know how he moves along his journey.   And I've enjoyed watching the romances unfold.   (Then again, I'm totally creeped out that we get a kick out of watching tv highschoolers make-out.)  They get more action than I've had in years.   boo!

Whew.

random. random.

such is life.

time to plan a vacation

I'm out of focus.  I have sat to write a blog several times but my mind wanders as to what I actually want to type about.  I've got lots of little tidbits that our journal worthy... but in the grand scheme of things... they don't really interest me, and in turn would bore a normal person.

I've had some not-so-great parenting moments this week.   The most memorable moment was when I was observed in my pajamas, asleep on my couch, while my son was bullying a neighbor kid.    Any sane person would find it hard to believe that I was actually keeping an eye on the boys and trying to catch up on reading... and I completely- unintentionally- fell asleep.   Am I honestly that kind of parent now?
This is the kind of thing that CPS is called in for, right?
cringe.

The first few days of this week, I was SO sleepy.  If I didn't know any better... I would suspect a pregnancy.     But since that's not the case, I blame myself for not being more active.  

Anywho.
The rest of the week has revolved around muddling thru the kid stuff and pulling myself out of a series of emotional ups and downs.
I've been missing Thayer this week.  

Surprisingly the highlight of my week has been seeing pictures posted by the folks who went with Mission  Link to Uganda this year.     My heart swells as I see familiar people and places, new faces and new places.   I feel a mixture of excitement, longing and anticipation when I see the pictures and read the stories. 
I want to be there.
I want my kids to be there.

Last night, I listened as several women talked about making long term plans to travel to Disney World.  But during the conversation, I just kept thinking about when I can get my kids to Africa.  That's my goal. 
(also a trip to Sea World, one of these years would be splendid)
 After hearing about the 'planning' aspect of a trip to Disney... i'm pretty sure that a trip to Uganda will be far easier to pull off.

I refuse to be the taxi... (at least for now)...

I was super thrilled to read this post today.   I'm always thrilled when someone shares a common thought as myself.  It's nice to see that there are other smart people out there ;)

Anywho.  Here is my addendum to her thoughts, for what it's worth.

She nailed it.   So much busyness.  And so much busyness pushed on our kids.    I am continually learning that 'less is best' in... pretty much everything. 

Perhaps I'm lacking commitment.  Perhaps I know my own weaknesses and boundaries as a single parent.  (I'm totally not aspiring to be Super Woman).
 Perhaps I'm getting lazier with age.  I dunno.

And perhaps my kids have the same problem with commitment?
They have dabbled in soccer, violin, karate, and baseball.  Nothing really stuck.  And they quickly nayed the idea of cub scouts.  
They briefly mentioned that they would play soccer this spring... but I nixed that idea by reminding them how much they hate to leave the house when they get home from school.    
They simply like to stay home and play! 

Both kids were super interested in skiing and snowboarding... for about a month.   I'm pretty sure those sports are simmering on the back burner this month... and they'll be back at it... off and on.

Amazingly, skateboarding has stood the test of time with both boys, and I am happy.  It is an activity that has managed to withstand every season of the year... and they keep doing it.      I would consider them both to be at a very beginner stage with skateboarding... but they really enjoy their time on wheels.
One mother at the skate park this weekend told me to "watch out... it's an expensive hobby".   I understood that she was referring to the shoes, the boards, the gear.   But I keep thinking of what a lovely hobby it is.    Skateboarding takes place on MY time, on my kid's time.  There is no set practice schedule, and we're not running around to games and scrimmages.  We're not eating dinner from concession stands and we're not getting home after 9pm.  I'm loving it.

(As soon as I publish this post, they'll be interested in something entirely new.... but that's okay.)

I am thankful for our free time and the empty squares on my calendar. 
I know that once they hit middle and high school, things will be different.  I will totally encourage them to participate in extracurricular activities.     They may not be as experienced as the kids who have played baseball from the womb... but I think my boys will do okay.

reading

I've been following this blog for a long time.   I was reading about this gal, Katie, long before Uganda was in my vocabulary.  
Once the opportunity for me to travel with Mission Link became a reality, I started to piece together that I was going to Uganda, and that Katie was also in Uganda.   Then I did some exploring on her blog and realized that she lives in a community right near Jinja, the city where I would be traveling to.  

Small world.

I didn't have the opportunity to meet her while in Uganda, but I did get to say 'hello' to her friend, Renee, who also lives near Jinja. (and she happens to know people involved with Mission Link)
 I had also been reading Renee's blog long before I pieced these things together. And it so happens that Renee's hometown is Bedford, VA... right down the road from me.

Very small world.

Anywho.

I was anxiously hoping that I would receive Katie's new book for Christmas.  And I DID!  (thanks, Casey!)
Kisses from Katie by Katie Davis.
I've only read the first few chapters, but I am in love with this book, and Katie's message....which is Jesus' message.
As I read her description of how Uganda captured her heart, it mirrored my own thoughts and conclusions about that beautiful country.    Her words reminded me so much of why my experience in Uganda was life changing.     And I long to go back!

I am so excited to be reading this book.   I can picture the places that she describes... because I have been there!    She writes so perfectly about the Ugandan people...  So poor in America's eyes... yet so beautifully rich.

I am so excited about this book :)   Cant' wait to read more....

good grief

As I've mentioned before, there are a gazillion blogs devoted to widows. I seem to run across a new one every few days. It's way to many to keep up with but there are a few that I follow on a regular basis.
It's interesting to see that the 'popular' bloggers have tons of 'followers'. And that these bloggers have become quite the celebrities in the widow world. There are blogs, facebook groups,facebook discussion groups, live online chats, guest bloggers, retreats, camps, etc. etc.
It's nice to know that technology is being used to connect so many people who would otherwise feel alone in their grief. These sites have been a good thing for a ton of people.

I'm starting to wonder if there is money to be made in widow support groups. :)

More so, I am noticing that many of these 'celebrity widows' are several years into their grief. Some may be 4 or 5 years out. Some are remarried.
This makes me realize that widowhood isn't something to outgrow or get-over.
These women still have genuine, raw thoughts about the death of their husbands.
They are able to blog about death and grieving in such a way that I, and other widows, can totally relate. It is helpful to see that other widows are just as crazy, or more crazy than myself. Many of the blogs are funny and salted with dark humor... that only widows would appreciate.

Sometimes I wonder if I blog too much about poor little me, the pitiful lonely widow. But I have decided that it's okay to share my thoughts. Certainly not for pity... but just to simply get it out there. out of my head. And maybe, just maybe, a few others can relate.

You guys know that I'm doing amazingly well. And that day to day, things are fine.
But deep down, I'm hurting. Who wouldn't be?
This time of year is especially lonely for me.

and...
...I have no idea how I intended to finish this post...


The end.
:)

how my mind works too...

Several days ago, I read this blog. I was impressed with how she explained the fluctuation of thoughts in such a simple moment. I know that everyone thinks alot, about alot of stuff. But I think that something has to be said for people who have suffered a severe loss and are learning to carry that loss with them into their new lives. I think that other widows would totally agree that our thoughts fly all over the place. And it happens ALL day long. That might explain why I seem so ditzy sometimes. ;)

I thought it would be fun to recap the thoughts I managed to have on my short ride home tonight from my sister's house.
Try to stay with me... i think it would be easy to get lost:

I pulled out of the driveway.
It's particularly bright tonight. Yep. It's a full moon. I remember the night that Thayer died. Full moons always remind me. I remember the time that I was driving home from a movie, and was super excited to tell Thayer about it.... until I remembered that he was dead. That sucked.
I get that sinking feeling and start to tear up.
I'd hate to cry and wreck my car in the process. I don't think I see that well at night and the tears might blur my vision. I miss him. I conjure up mental pictures of Thayer. How I miss his smile... and his hands, and his waist. Wish I could hug him.
I would like to hug (friend A), but that would be awkward for us both. I would just like a hug.
(acquantance B) is out of town.
My feet are cold. I remember warming my cold feet on Thayer's feet and legs. I'll need to take a hot bath tonight. I've started the ritual again. Every night, hot bath to warm my feet. Thayer used to do that too.
Can't wait to get under my feathers. I love my feather blanket and my new pillow. Ahhh... I'm going to sleep late tomorrow. I should blog. That was random. I should blog about how random I am. First... take a bath. Crap. I forgot to feed the cat his dinner. He'll be hungry. I'll Feed cat. Take a bath. Blog under my feathers. I love my feathers. :-)


(holy cow. I just realized that was the stupidest blog post I have ever written. I am completely random... and that other girl made alot more sense with her thoughts. Anywho. that's a typical few minutes in my head. And that says a little too much about how shallow I am. I feel really blonde) :)

This girl gets it right, every time.
I LOVE this blog....
Widow Chick

overload

I must admit that I'm on blogger overload. I have recently come upon a gazillion blogs written by widows and widowers. It's too many to delve into right away but I hope to peruse through them at my leisure.
One particular blog contains links to atleast 100 other "widow blogs". And when you visit those blogs... they have links to more blogs. It's insane!

The one thing that is confirmed as I thumb through the list.... that there is no timeline of grief. I'm learning that people who experienced the death of a spouse in 2005 are still writing about their grief journey.
After reading these other blogs I am encouraged to blog down my grief road as I see fit. I think I had toned it down a bit because I'm pretty sure that people were getting sick of my blabbering.

Truth is...I'm pretty content with my life right now, but there is still a HUGE hole where Thayer used to be. So if you see more blogs about him... it's because I'm giving myself permission to "go there" more often.

And please keep a check on my favorite blog links over in the right column. I'll be updating it with my favorites as they come along.