Pat Coleman

 I first met Pat over lunch at Charley's, a local restaurant, back in 2016.   Greg had brought me to meet his mother.  I was the new girl in his life and I was curious how his mother would take to me.   
Pat was instantly kind and welcoming.   My first impression of her was that she was stylish and poised.
As time progressed and it looked like I'd be sticking around, Pat accepted me as a new daughter-in-law and embraced the thought of having my boys as new grandchildren.   I loved that I never doubted where I stood with her.  She made me feel part of the family and was always inquisitive and inclusive of my boys.

Being the newest member of the Coleman family, I only had the pleasure of knowing Pat for 8 years. Such a small blip compared to the long running Coleman clan... But I feel like we experienced a lot of life together in that time.   As we became familiar with each other, I realized that Pat could cut-up like the rest of us, and she had a good sense of humor.   
I always appreciated that she would often have my back when we were teasing Greg or lecturing him about his quirky husband behaviors.   She would tell him to treat me right!... but somehow in the same sentence manage to defend her baby boy.   Sometimes I think she thought Greg hung the moon.  😆

I was blessed to share countless meals with Pat over the years.  I remember lunches at Cracker Barrel, celebrations with family, and her massive craving for Chick-Fil-A these past few years.
There was a point in time when we were having her over for dinner each week.   I had a running dialogue with Greg that no matter what I cooked she would always manage to talk about how she would have served, or prepared, it differently.  She never meant any insult.... but I guess that's just typical daughter-in-law insecurity.  😟
It's true though....she was a great cook!.... and I will never live up to her expertise in the kitchen.   That lady could fry up some chicken!.... and her salmon cakes are unmatched.  

Pat had such a sweet tooth.   The Summer of Covid, 2020- Pat went to the beach with me, Greg and Lucas.   We made a special detour to get donuts, just for Pat.    She was also craving funnel cake that week, so we searched out a funnel cake stand and Lucas proceeded to run several blocks, in pouring rain, to obtain the funnel cake for Nanny Pat.   He insisted that she HAD to have it!  I love that memory.  
And none of us will forget her chocolate shakes from Chick-Fil-A.  

That same summer, we realized that Pat had not been "swimming" in many years.  She was determined to give it a try and came to the pool one evening.   I remember that we all laughed hysterically when she realized that she couldn't quite stand up in the pool.   She was a bit more fragile than we thought, and her legs just kept floating out from under her.  I was so tickled.  That was quite an experience for her.

When Pat was diagnosed with cancer in 2022, I helped her around the house for a year until she hired a professional cleaner, who she later raved about to me...  "She does such a great job really vacuuming underneath things".   (haha.  Guess I missed that mark, as with the cooking.  😂)
The best part about me helping her out (to the best of my ability) was that I got to spend some one-on-one time with her.   We were able to have talks about family, friends, life and death.    I think we kept conversation very real between us and I am so thankful for her outlook on life and her expression of faith.

Pat loved her family.   She adored her late husband, Lewis, whom I wish I could have met.   I'm pretty sure that he is the one who hung the moon..... although she shared some stories about Lewis that explain a few of Greg's quirks.😆  
Over the years I observed how Pat maintained unique relationships with each family member.   She had a special way of interacting with each of her children, her special nieces, and her grandchildren.   Nanny Pat was a precious matriarch to her family.    We all loved her support and stability.   
Pat will be dearly missed.

Until we meet again. 💕

The funnel cake!
Summer 2020

Surprise visit from Lucas
August 2021

Pat's 81st bday
January 2022

The night "swim" 😂 
Summer 2020

breathe

 I feel like I have managed to get my feet underneath me this past month.   In my quiet times, I have thought a lot about how I let the initial crisis with Dad drown me.  My demeanor was consumed with worry and doubt.    How quickly I forgot God's faithfulness. 
Looking back, I realize that I spent a month of my life not fully trusting God to work in our family situation.  And now that things have "settled" a bit, I keep reminding myself that God has consistently turned turmoil into peace throughout my life.  Over and over I've seen him work.   It's something I need to remind myself of, daily.

Weeping may last through the night, but joy comes with the morning. Psalm 30:5 

I know this to be true. 

My Dad's situation is far from resolved on this side of heaven.   I often wake in the mornings thinking about Dad's condition, knowing that there isn't much I can do other than spend time with him and appreciate our moments together.  

Greg and I will both have parents receiving hospice services, as of this week.   
It's a lot.  Death and dying are becoming such a huge part of our household vocabulary.   
Talks about aging parents, and the death of parents, have become conversation topics, and sad realities, among my friend groups.   
It feels like a tough stage of life we are in. 

Ultimately I know that "this too shall pass".  And I look for solace in the fact that God has ordained all of our minutes.

I hope that working at the funeral home hasn't made me callous.   I have come to grips with the normalcy of death.  We're all dying;  Just some sooner than others.
If we have a faith in Christ.... it's not the end.   We need to really believe that.   This heartache is only temporary. 

I keep reminding myself to enjoy the moments..... to LIVE while I'm alive.
I want to fully trust that God is working.   The celebrations of life and the realities of our deaths are all in his hands.   
I'm reminding myself to calm down, give my worries to God, and just breathe. 
God's promises are true.  

All of this song........💕  (You've Already Won by Shane and Shane)

 

do the thing

 

I often use the phrase, "sometimes we have to do hard things". 
Most often, it's an internal speech to myself.   
Other times, I'm thinking it towards people who are making excuses or procrastinating.   
And very rarely, I'm caught saying it out loud to push someone to just DO THE THING!

Our culture seems to be producing people who want to avoid the hard things.   
There's a pill, a program, a product, or an app that "solves" everything.

People don't like being uncomfortable or being exposed to new situations.    I witness so many people wanting to take the easy way out.

I have found that it's those uncomfortable moments that produce the most reward, pride, growth and fulfillment.     
This is part of living.

Whenever I'm unsure of the next step, I'm just going to do the thing.  Whether it's just some random thing in my home or something that takes intentional planning.....
I want to be fearless and do the thing. 
  
Life is full of hard moments.   I feel like that's where we can build the most character.

Make time for friends, take time to help people, visit with family, volunteer at the place, do the house project, make the recipe, attend the event, plan the trip,  work in the yard, build something, create something, play with the kids, put down the phone, interact with people.  

Time is going to pass anyway.   
Make the most of it. 
Do the thing.

14 years

Here we go.... my yearly update and thoughts about Thayer's death anniversary.   Yesterday marked 14 years.  I was ready to blog, I was ready to do some computer projects, I was ready to do something.... but I couldn't.  My attention span was short yesterday.  I couldn't really get myself to do anything.   I have always thought that my body knows when these dates are here.  

Today I made myself have an official "lunch break" and watch a movie before I started with my to-do list.   I managed to watch an entire movie about a cat that becomes a guy, and then goes back to being a cat.  It was just as bizarre and weird as it sounds.   But I actually sat through it.   Most movies I set out to watch take me 3 or more hours to finish because I get highly distracted by piddling around the house or tending to chores.   This one... I watched through in one sitting.  Not sure if that's a good- or bad-sign of my mental health.

As of now, I've caught up on some computer chores and I'm sitting to think about what I should have written yesterday.

The entire life and death thing has become rather ordinary since I've worked at the funeral home.  Death is never wanted.... but I've learned to accept it.   I learned a lot about death when Thayer died; and as I age, it's even more "expected" (if that's the right word).   
We're all on borrowed time.  

What matters is how we spend that time.

Thayer's time was short, but no doubt he spent his time well.   I will always admire him for the time he invested in family and friends, the time he spent helping others, and the hard work he put in, daily, to better himself and those around him.

This all makes me consider how I'm spending my own time.

I recently decided to try to cut back my screen time on my phone.  My goal is 30 minutes/day.   However I'm still averaging just under 2 hours.    Certainly a work in progress. 
I did some math and realized that spending 2 hours a day looking at a screen equals THIRTY (30) DAYS of a year.  If we do the math with waking hours.... it's over FORTY-FIVE DAYS!   Holy cow.... an entire MONTH, or more, of a YEAR completely evaporated.  
This has been a wake up call for me.   

(Granted.... watching a movie about a cat-guy isn't the best alternative) 

I hope to be more intentional with my time so that one day someone will say..... "she lived her life well".   

Proverbs 27:1 Do not boast about tomorrow, for you do not know what a day may bring.

Today is our day.   Make the most of it.

the little things

 

As I was driving to a friend's house on Sunday for our weekly girls' night I had a feeling wash over me.    Something told me to really enjoy my time with my girls: For our talking, for our games, for our laughter, or for whatever our night would bring.   
I often find myself thinking about the next thing, the next day, the next chore.   Often watching the clock for no real reason.
But in that moment, I wanted to be fully PRESENT in my time with my people.   
We are not promised another day, or even another moment.... so we should live fully in the NOW. 
 
I told the girls about my revelation, which didn't come across as very deep when I said it out loud. ha-ha.  We all kinda know this in our beings.   But in our society, being present in the moment is easier said than done.   
I went on to enjoy my evening.... no timeline.... just making memories where it mattered.

This idea of being present has followed me into the week as well.  (I love it when God is driving home a good point).   

Greg and I watched the final episode of This is Us** last night.   And guess what?!.... the entire episode was strategically written to remind us to embrace the little things in life.  Those little things are often the most important. 
The main character, who struggled with memory loss in her older years, had the biggest fear of losing simple memories of a Saturday afternoon that the family spent together when her kids were young.   Those little moments, little memories, were the important ones! 

Watching this show, working at the funeral home, as well as witnessing health issues with others- I'm becoming more keenly aware that we can't escape death and it's the living that we need to do, now.  

YouTube recommended a Ted Talk to me, today, which touched on the same subject!  Go figure.   This gal is pretty inspiring.
Here's the synopsis of her talk:

Elin Kjos is a sport’s trainer who was diagnosed with incurable lung cancer two years ago. She was given less than a year to live and has yet defeated all odds. Everyday, she shares her journey with her hundreds of thousands of followers on Instagram. Today, she will talk about how her cancer diagnosis changed her perspective on life. Through this story telling, we hope you will be inspired to start living your life in a more meaningful way. Elin is a former elite swimmer, an entrepreneur in physical training & health and a life inspirer with the motto “Life is here and now”. Since two years ago, she lives with the diagnosis of an incurable lung cancer and wants to inspire others to dare others to live life to its fullest everyday - regardless of diagnoses or challenges in life.

I'm inspired to take hold of my moments,  to make them count. To be present with my people. To be a better listener.  To relax.  To take it all in.  

"Take the risks.  Make the big moves, even if they're small ones.  Forge ahead with your lives in any and every direction that moves you.  I'm asking you to be fearless. "  Rebecca Pearson #ThisIsUs 

We've only got one shot, one opportunity.   Let's make it count!

** This Is Us had FANTASTIC writers.    Over the seasons, we watched an entire family over many decades.  Generation after generation.  With rewinds and fast forwards.   Such a great, poignant show.  10 out of 10, would recommend.

radio silence

I'm slowly realizing that my blogging hobby has come to a screeching halt.

I remember reading another blog that described how "mommy blogs" are prevalent.... but when it comes to teenagers, the blogging community is silent.     It's not the fact that parenting suddenly becomes simple or uneventful.     It's quite the opposite. When dealing with teenagers, it's just not appropriate to air their dirty laundry on the world wide web.  (There is SO much dirty laundry.... literally and figuratively!)   However these kids have suddenly become close-to adult age and I assume it's nice to respect their privacy.

I initially used this blog to update my parents when we lived out of town. 
I then used the blog as a form of therapy after Thayer died.   My writing has been an integral part of my journey, my grief, my healing, our life story.

Our life story is still in full swing but I just haven't been able to share.   The teenage boys, the new husband, the new job, selling houses, the upcoming move to a new house, personal challenges, career challenges. 
BIG life transitions. 
Greg has been hit the hardest with life change and yet he is as solid as a rock.   I'm so thankful for him.     He is my confidant and my sounding board.    I've honestly not needed to blog because I have him here to listen to my thoughts.   How precious it is to have someone to share your life with.
(Alas, Greg is an adult too, with a fairly public job.... which requires that I respect his privacy as well.)

So...all of these factors leave my blogging mind a little hush hush for now.     We'll see if the future brings about more opportunity for deep thoughts that require a bit of typing. 
I hope so....

life

I was road tripping home after a day at the amusement park.    A quiet car and a straight road ahead.
It was almost twilight and the road was lined with dark green trees.   There was a gray cloud cover overhead.    The clouds were unusually intricate with deep swirls and a distinct 3D effect.   They were dark and gloomy.... yet filled with so much beauty and exquisite detail.   I marveled at how God had placed the clouds and brush stroked them across the sky exactly in that fashion, at that time, for me to witness.
In the horizon at the end of the road was a bright sun and a glowing yellow sky.   I kept anticipating that the sunlight would break through the clouds as I made my way down the highway.     Mile after mile, the clouds were above and the yellow glow was just out of reach.   Until, all of a sudden I realized that I had driven out from under the cloud cover.   The sky had opened up wide with beautiful shades of sleepy blue.   The bright yellow sun that I had expected for miles was gone.   But in it's place was something beautiful...perhaps more beautiful... and entirely different than what I had anticipated.  The driving was easy that day and I thanked God for the opportunity to travel.

I glanced at the sleeping kids in the backseat and looked over to the man sitting next to me and thought, "that's life."

Granny

I met her in November of 1997.    It just so happened that the guy I knew that I was going to marry lived with his grandparents, Elmer and Marie.     Marie was introduced to me as "Granny".

In April of 1999 "Granny" became my Grandmother-in-law.... but in reality, she was the only "mother- in-law" I would know.    She had raised Thayer from the age of 13.     The fact that she had taken in two boys, after raising her own kids, made her a saint in my eyes.   (not to omit the fact that Thayer's paternal grandparents also had an earlier role.)    
Thayer's Grandparents helped to build a solid foundation on which Thayer and his brother became the men that God intended them to be.   And I am thankful for their investment.

Granny embraced me as a granddaughter, and spoiled Thayer and I with frequent home cooked meals during our first year of marriage.    The weekly meals and fellowship continued when my babies were born.  
As great-grandparents the Jantzes became known "Papa and Granny Jantz".
Papa and Granny would frequent our family events.   I remember taking them to the park for a play date and picnic when my kids were young.

Granny spent a lot of time in the kitchen.  A lot.   She introduced me to swiss chard, rhubarb, her famous cranberry salad, her standard ham with pineapple, and a plethora of pies.   My favorite was her apple pie, yet interestingly... her favorite seemed to be Marie Callendar's Razzleberry pie.   :)

The Jantzes were gardening geniuses.   They had a prestinely landscaped yard.   They grew a ton of veggies and wasted not.   Granny canned and canned and canned.   Thayer and I never had a shortage of green beans or jelly.   Crab apple jelly was always on hand... and quite tasty.

As the Jantzes aged, the garden and yard became too much for them to handle on their own.   Thayer would take care of the yard work.    And it was a somber day when grass was planted over the garden.

Granny was the extreme example of someone with a servant's heart.   She would bend over backwards to serve, help, encourage and love on people.   It's been rumored that she never complained.   And I believe it.  I never witnessed her complain about anything.
She was a very loving and submissive wife.   I can still hear Elmer say, "Marie!" and she would run to his side.   She was patient and kind.

In 2004 Thayer's job took us to another city.   Thayer would return to help with the yard.
At some point, early 2006, our visits became very frequent because Papa Jantz was battling cancer and we knew his time was short.    Granny was running herself ragged taking care of him.   Best nurse ever.... though her own body was growing weak and the physical labor was taking a toll on her.
As hospice came in, she still cared for that man until his last breath.

One of the most precious memories I have is sitting with Granny all night, on Elmer's last night.   I had never been on death watch before and our conversation topics were very interesting, to say the least.    Being with Granny while Elmer passed is one of my most vivid memories.
She was darling.
(As age stole Granny's memories, she had no recollection that I was with her that night.  But it's a memory I hope to keep.)  

After Elmer's death, she moved out of state with her son and daughter-in-law.   Our visits were less frequent.   Maybe twice a year while Thayer was alive.   I kept that up for a few years and then our visits tapered off to once a year, these past few years.

Over the past several years age had stolen Granny's ability to cook and to remember certain things.
I recall one time when we were visiting and her prided pies didn't turn out "quite like they were supposed to".  It was obvious that she was loosing her "touch" and I could see the concern in her eyes.

A few years ago Granny came to stay with us for several days.    I remember how excited she would get as she watched her baseball.   She personally knew her Braves.  And come to think of it... the only time I ever saw her get a little cranky was when she realized that I didn't have ESPN.    
During that visit, the reality of her age, her physical, and her mental limitations hit me.     I started to understand the care and dedication that her son and daughter-in-law were exhibiting on a daily basis.

The last few times that I visited with Granny, her memory was hazy.... but she would talk at length about how she had met Elmer.   He had come to work on her family farm and had taken an interest in her.    I wish I had documented the details... because those things... she remembered vividly.
She had a "young" picture of him in her room and she would point out how good lookin' he was.  :)

Upon jogging her memory, she would tell me about being a seamstress and about how she would sew costumes for plays at the university.  
Her long term memory was very selective.    Other major events, she didn't recall, or didn't want to discuss.    For instance... I think I had heard that she once had brain surgery...??  But she didn't seem to remember that.
She lived a long, full, heartbreaking, joyful life.   From my perspective I see that she endured so much heartache over her 93 years....yet she was still joyful.     I know her faith in Jesus carried her through.

The last time we visited Granny, (last November).... I remember thinking that it might be the last time we see her.    It was.
Granny went to be with Jesus, and a slew of family members... and friends, on Monday.
I know she was ready.... but she will be missed.
I am thankful for her life and her impact on our family.

Photos from Granny's 90th birthday, 2012.

a short story about a cat

Once upon a time there was a young couple who were expecting a baby.   One night early in the pregnancy, the hormonal wife was in tears.  She was telling the husband that she didn’t have any friends.    The husband left that evening and came back with…. A cat. 
The wife cried again because she didn’t have a clue what they were supposed to do with a cat in a small rental house.  Where would they put the litter box? 
After some convincing from the husband the cat was allowed to stay.   And that night, Q-tip became part of the family.

January 2000

Q-tip had seen the husband before.    Months prior, the husband had visited a family friend who had new kittens.   Q-tip was fuzzy and cute, and had caught the attention of the man.     Thankfully when the husband went looking for a “friend”, Q-tip was still available for adoption.

Q-tip quickly adjusted to living in the small home with the couple.  
Almost right away the couple agreed that Q-tip was not a manly enough name for such a cool male cat.      The “tip” was dropped and he was known simply as “Q”.

Q was young and playful.   The husband taught him tricks and roughhoused with him.    The couple joked about how Q was very much like a dog.   He would play fetch with small toy mice.   He would retrieve the mice and bring them back…. Every time.     Q was top-dog of the house.   He would hang around inside and sit outside and soak up sun.

Several months passed and Q was packed up and taken to a new house, just a few miles away.   He adjusted quickly to the new house and was glad to spend time with the couple.  The house was older, larger, and had large windows that gave puddles of sunshine for him to bathe in.   

One day, out of the blue, the couple brought home a small baby.   Q was curious about the new addition to the family but he welcomed the little boy and they became instant buddies.      Q hung out with the baby and the wife during the day and welcomed the husband home in the evenings.   

The husband had a fish aquarium that was stocked with many fish to watch.   He would hang around the house and sit outside and soak up the sun.

Two years passed.   The baby had grown into an active toddler.   He and the boy were good friends.   Q was still like a dog.   He would play games and entertain the toddler.
And then, out of the blue, the couple brought home another small baby.   Q welcomed the new baby and they, too, were instant friends.   Q was great around the little boys.   He tolerated all of the love that they had to offer.    

His days were full of playing with the boys, hanging around the house and sitting outside in the sunshine.

It came time for the family to move to another city.    Q was packed up and driven over an hour from home.     He arrived in tiny rental house that was nice and tidy.      He adjusted quickly and enjoyed keeping the family company.

At some point in the first few years…. No one remembers the actual date…. The couple decided that Q had matured.    They decided that “Mr. Q” would be a more fitting name for such a cat.     He was quite a character.    Mr. Q never met a stranger and he always enjoyed welcoming family and friends to the house.

Just six short months later, Mr. Q was packed up…. Again… and taken to a new house about 20 minutes away.     He was not thrilled about the car ride and he urinated all over the husband and the truck while they were in route.  
Mr. Q took his first, and only, shower that night after arriving at the new house.     Needless to say… he was not too thrilled about getting sprayed with water!
Thankfully he the survived shock and awe of the move.
The family of four, and Mr. Q adjusted quickly to the new house and a new, big yard.     Mr. Q enjoyed playing with the boys, hanging around the house and sitting in the sunshine.

For three years, the family and Mr. Q lived in the house with the big yard.   They were happy and made several friends who spent a lot of time at the house.   Mr. Q made friends with an older couple who lived in the house next to his.    He was often found visiting with the neighbors and even enjoyed naps in their house!  

 

The time came for the family to move again, back to their home city.   Mr. Q was packed up and taken on another long ride.     He arrived at a small brick house, similar to the one he had just left.      Mr. Q adjusted quickly, because he knew that he was ‘home’ with the husband, wife and boys.    He kept the boys company, often sleeping curled up on their beds at night.    

One October night, just a few short months after moving to the new house, Mr. Q was outside minding his own business…when a neighbor’s dogs came charging over and chased him up a tree.    The event was obviously terrifying for Mr. Q.    The scare of the dogs kept him inside for almost three years!!    He was getting older and the couple assumed that he was simply becoming an indoor cat.

The following August, there was a night that the husband didn’t come home.    The house was instantly filled with friends that Mr. Q knew… and many other people he didn’t.    In the days to follow, Mr. Q was lost in the shuffle during the day but then was a constant companion at night, often sitting and listening as the wife and boys confided in him with their tears.      

The husband never returned.    The wife and boys remained, and their friends were always around.     Mr. Q became accustomed to having neighbor friends at the house as well as the wife’s friends, who would come and talk for hours and hours.

Mr. Q was always welcoming old and new friends to the house.    He had quite a knack of knowing who was allergic to cats.   The allergic guests were the ones he seemed to like the best. 

It appeared that Mr. Q was getting older and the wife assumed that he had become an indoor cat, after the dog incident.    But surprisingly, almost two years later…. Mr. Q ventured outside!    He would make his rounds outside and then sit and enjoy the sunshine.         The spring and summer months were his favorites.   Once the cold weather hit, he preferred staying inside where it was warm.    The wife assumed that his old bones were affected by the weather just like human bones so she made sure he was warm and cozy during the cold months.

2010

One warm summer day, the wife and boys brought home…. A cat!     It took months for Mr. Q to accept the new cat as a member of the family.   It was a girl cat, much younger than he.    

August 2011

After Mr. Q got used to the idea of her being around, he was very tolerant of her attention.     The girl cat was never as dog-like as Mr. Q, but he grew to enjoy her company.   Every so often the wife and boys would discover the two cats cuddled up napping next to each other.   Other times, Mr. Q would show his authority and have stare downs and swatting contests with the young cat.    He was always prepared to defend his rank in the home.

For almost four years the three people and two cats lived happily in the house together.   

The cats would eat meals together, make their rounds outside, and sit in the sunshine.     They even got in the habit of napping indoors while the people were away and then venturing outside until dark.

The two cats were often bribed to cross the street and visit with neighbours who enjoyed giving them treats and attention.   
When his family would go out of town, family and neighbor friends would care for the cats.
As far as cat lives go, they were loved and spoiled rotten.   

 

Somewhere along the line, Mr. Q was diagnosed with an overactive thyroid.   The wife and boys had to give him pills each day to keep things in check.    Mr. Q was super about taking the pills.   The people would smash a pill between two treats and Mr. Q was faithful about taking them.

One day, the wife packed up Mr. Q and took him for a short ride.   These short rides always resulted in a trip to the vet… which Mr. Q hated.     The loveable, friendly Mr. Q who knew no strangers quickly turned into a ‘cat from hell’ whenever he entered the veterinarian’s exam room.     The vet and her technicians didn’t know the cat that the wife and the boys knew.    They knew a cat who had special handling instructions in his file.   He was vicious and they took extra precautions with him during every visit.  
As suspected, during this visit the people confirmed that Mr. Q had cancer.    
Mr. Q obviously didn’t know what that was or what the result would be.
He continued to lounge around the house, be a companion to the family, make his rounds outdoors and sit in the sunshine.

The wife and boys knew that Mr. Q’s time was short.     Mr. Q was suddenly allowed on furniture that had been off-limits for years.     He was living it up.   

March 2015

The people could see how Mr. Q’s body was failing… but Mr. Q still did his normal cat things.    He would pick at the wife’s mattress every morning when it was time for breakfast.    He and the girl cat would circle the wife’s feet at every meal time until they were fed.    They were like a little cat gang, in cahoots with each other.     
The wife and boys still confided in Mr. Q about many things.    He was an important part of the family.

Months passed.  More than anticipated.   But the time had come, and the first day of fall would be Mr. Q’s last day with the family.
He spent the afternoon outside, sitting in the sunshine.     

September 23, 2015

limbo

The boys and I are coming away from SIX snow days off from school and one two hour delay.  
It's been fabulous.  Really fabulous.
Everything came to a STOP and there was no agenda.
It was a great taste of what summer may, or could, be about.   (How many days till summer break?)

We're back in business tomorrow.    Fun things ahead this week.
And the hint of another snowfall on Wednesday night makes me smile.

I've been thinking about Thayer this week.   A few events and conversations have brought him to mind, more than usual.   It's been bittersweet.    Good memories.  Yet still in disbelief that this year will mark seven years without him.    That's wild.  

I watched Cast Away with the boys the other night.   I'm pretty sure that Thayer and I had watched it together- way back when.   And I probably haven't seen it since then.    I knew the storyline and yet I cried through most of the ending.
 Really cried.
I felt especially torn when Tom Hanks' character returned home from the island after being gone for over four years.   His fiance and friends had "buried" him.... thought he was dead..... and moved forward.
 In only four years his fiance had been married and had a child.   She had started a completely new life.
It made me realize that Thayer has been gone for almost seven years and the kids and I, in some ways, have a completely new life.   But in other ways, I feel like we're stuck.

Yes, we are content.  And happy.  And ultimately the boys will grow up, move out and have their own lives.
But at this point I don't have any goals in life.   I feel like I'm kind of in limbo.
(and I really didn't start to think about this until I started typing.  I'm my own buzz kill)
What the heck am I going to do with my life?
I've got some ideas floating around in the back of my mind.  But nothing that I want to commit to at this point.

I guess that's not for me to figure out right now.

First things first.  
6:15am is going to come early tomorrow.
G'night!

ugh

spoiler alert : whiny post.

 I just had a minor fit of panic.  For no particular reason.
I explained to the kids, again, for the  millionth time, that the house is a reflection of my mood.... or vice versa... I've never really figured that out.

But the real reason is that it's THAT time of year again.
The carefree summer is evaporating before my eyes.

 Reality bites.

The boys register for school on Wednesday.
Bedtimes and alarms will have to be set next week.    argh.
There are appointments and calls that I've put off all summer.
There's the yearly appoinment with my financial advisor... where there is nothing to show for how I've spent money... except a wider ass and spoiled children.

I have to wrap my mind around working at preschool again.   (someone asked me about my class yesterday... and I said "what class?)  :)

The worst part is that this transitional period is in the shadow of Thayer's death anniversary and his 'would-be' 44th birthday.

This week I'll be registering the kids, where the forms never fail to ask for parental information.
And every year.... those blank lines throw me a curve.   Do I leave it blank?  Do I write 'deceased'?  Do I give any explanation to teachers?
It sucks.

But every year I get through it.  And the boys get through it.
And in a few weeks I'll be very adamant about not throwing a Halloween party..... while I'm out shopping for prizes.

Such is the circle of a year.
My.  How time flies.

the important things

Mom says it doesn't matter what I write and if I wait to write just the important things then I'll probably never write anything, because important things just look like everything else except when you look back on them.

.....

I didn't realize it at the time, but the reason I wrote was always changing.  As I grew older, I wrote as proof of my existence.   I write, therefore I am.

I am.  In each of us, there is something that , for better or worse, wants the world to know we existed.

Alan Christoffersen (in Richard Paul Evan's The Walk)

I have torn through several books in the last few weeks.    Each one, in little ways, has inspired me to continue journaling.  It's true that my reason for writing has changed over time.   I started blogging simply to update family when we lived out of town.   I continued blogging as my own form of therapy when Thayer died.   And more recently I only sit to type if something eats away at me for several days.  

But the truth is.... the simple things in life turn out to be the important things "when you look back on them". Thinking on this has convicted me to start documenting those 'unimportant' moments.... because in reality... these are the moments that count.  

one week

spoiler:  this is a post about how I don't have to work in the summer.   So all you haters, back off.   ;)

One week.   I've been on my summer vacation for approximately one week.    And I have started to question my meaning in life.   What is my purpose?

Seriously.    I just chatted with another single gal who is off during the summers and she brought up the exact same topic......so I know I'm not totally crazy.

Apparently when one stops working..... the free time can become detrimental.    

I made an effort to laze around last week.  (because I'm supposed to deserve a break!)  

I slept in some, took naps, read an entire book,  (yes!  I read!), went out to lunch with friends.   

In my free time I obsessed about cat hair in the house and contemplated what 'that weird smell' in the kitchen is.

And in the remaining free time I pondered what I'm supposed to do with my life.

Turns out that free time is unnerving.

Last week, my prayer was that God would make this a summer of clarity.   I prayed that I would be able to relax, enjoy my family and friends, and find clarity in what God wants me to do next.

Today I thought about selling my house and moving to the country.

I've always told the kids that "if I get married again we will buy some land in the country".   

"If I get married again".

And then it occured to me.... why the heck put my dreams on hold while waiting for some man?!
If that man doesn't come along, what kind of regrets would I have?

I feel like getting a Realtor and just having someone keep an eye out for my dream house.     Not that I would jump and move next month.... but if something amazing came along.... 

why not?

Then again, we're happy here.   So why rock the boat?

At this point, I could go either way.
Really.   My life choices are wide open.    I'll be curious to see how things play out.

I've got another week ahead of me before my kids get out of school.

My goal is to seriously clean the house.    Chances are.... that's not gonna happen.... 

Dear Barbara

Dear Barbara,
You silly girl.   You just asked me for advice.    That's rather humbling.... scary... and very humorous.

I am very touched that  you consider my opinion to be worthy of consideration.

So for what it's worth, here's my general life advice....(compiled just this evening)....
and it's a great reminder for myself as well!

1.  Support your husband.  Always.  Encourage him in his interests, love him well, and don't sweat the small stuff in the relationship.    Date him, often. 

After Thayer's death, I gained a vivid clarity of what a marriage should be like.   I knew instantly things that I would do differently if given another chance.   So do things right the first time!  Don't hold back.  

2. Let your kids take risks.  Let them learn through natural consequences... which will include failure.   Be honest with your kids about life.  Life is full of disappointments and heartache.  Don't shelter them from it.   Teach them to be brave and compassionate.   Introduce them to all kinds of people and new situations. 

They are individuals who will need to live, work, and be productive adults in a fallen world.   

Pray that they will be a light in the darkness.

3.  Say "NO".   

If you don't want to do something... say 'no'.  
It takes a while to master this.   But that one word will change your life!  
Keep some empty calendar squares-- and chances are-- they will fill up with things that you enjoy doing!  (instead of things you are obligated to do).

4. Nurture your friendships.  (By spending time with friends)

This is a biggie, but make this happen!    It is a time to re-energize, relax, and feel like a 'person' again.
It can be easy to get stuck in the mom role... but you are your own person too!  
 Once the kids are grown, or (heaven forbid) your husband dies, (or leaves you for a younger woman)....  your friends will be vital.  Don't isolate yourself.

Bonus: Netflix.
I threw this in here because Netflix has been a great asset to my happiness.
Choose a series and watch one episode each day.  you can do this, because you deserve it!

disclaimer:  I, in no way, claim to be an expert in advice giving.  I am a broken, imperfect person, with imperfect kids, in an imperfect environment.
But for what's it's worth.... I'm happy.  :)

the in-between

We went to church on Sunday for the first time in many weeks.   I am not sure what the actual talk was about, but I came away with "Where are you going"?  
Not the Heaven and Hell question.... but the honest to goodness "What are you doing with your life?!"

For months, I have gone to bed each night telling God that I need to get back in touch with Him.  I suppose that conversation in itself is a starter.   I'm confident enough in my faith that I know God 'gets' where I'm at.  

I stare at a verse in my kitchen window each day.  
Jeremiah 6:16
This is what the Lord says:

“Stand at the crossroads and look;
ask for the ancient paths,
ask where the good way is, and walk in it,
and you will find rest for your souls."

 

I've been wondering about 'the crossroads'.    I wonder if I would even notice a crossroad when I stumble upon it. 

Perhaps I'm standing in one now.  

And what does the 'good way' look like?

 

Tonight I picked up my Bible for the first time in months and read the book of Ruth.  

Ruth.  A widow.  

She faced a crossroad. 

She was content in side-lining her possibilities and moved away with her mother-in-law.    

Content to work in the field. 

And then BAM... she ends up with Boaz and gives birth to Obed.... who is part of the genealogy of Jesus.

That's a pretty nifty contribution to society.

 

I'm at the point where I'm content.  Really content. (sometimes I feel like I border on apathy.) 

I'm not necessarily ready to bump into Boaz... but I'm curious about the road that will come along and point me in the direction I'm supposed to go.  What will I do with my life?

 

I realize that I have a priority to raise these boys.  But then what?  Do I have a path or destination in mind for my future? (other than marrying wealthy and traveling?) ha.

 

I will not get more cats.

 

It would be really nifty if God would pave a road with yellow bricks.