We were given a lovely rotisserie chicken for dinner this evening. It was great!
I figured that I would just cut the meat off of the bones to save as leftovers.
It occured to me that Thayer always handled the dead animals. He was good at saving every edible piece.
I attempted to start the butchering and pretty much mutilated the bird.
I could hear Thayer... in my mind's ear... say "you're not getting all of the meat.... that part is good... save this" etc. etc.
Before I knew it, I yelled...
"If YOU were here, YOU could do it!!!"
Boy, that instantly felt weird. Imagine me at the kitchen counter screaming... with nothing but a chicken as a witness. Pretty humorous.
I have "talked" to Thayer several times since his death but this was actually funny. It was unplanned and unprovoked... well pretty much unprovoked... (except for what my mind was saying)
My mind can be a dangerous place.
:-)
Tuesday, October 28, 2008
reentry
My neighbor's husband came home today after being away, on the job, for weeks.
I wonder if his return lived up to the expectations of my friend and her kids. I wonder if there was a happy reunion, kind words shared, time spent together?
Or I wonder if his entrance back to home life was a bit bumpy.
I can remember when I would go away with friends for a weekend. I would have a BLAST being a "person" again... without any "mommy" responsibilties.
My reentry to "reality" was always very rough. I'd walk back into a messy house with loud kids. It was often such a plunge back to normalcy that I would be very grumpy with Thayer and the kids. Back to laundry, back to dishes, etc. etc. ugh.
And now that Thayer is gone, I can't help but wonder... if God suddenly said to Thayer, "sure, go back down there for a while. Only Jill will remember that you were gone. Everything else will go
back to normal..."
What would I do? Would I be a better wife? A better mother? Would I treasure every moment together? Would I be a better listener? An encourager? Would I be supportive and loving?
If I had a chance to do it all over again... how would I be?
I feel like we get so caught up with "life" that we forget to live.
We forget to love those who we love most.
We waste so much time.
I also wonder how I will be in the future.
I am prayerfully hoping that through this experience God is fashioning me for something greater.
Malachi 3:3 says: "He will sit as a refiner and purifier of silver." I am thankful that He is right here with me while the flames are the hottest.
I wonder if his return lived up to the expectations of my friend and her kids. I wonder if there was a happy reunion, kind words shared, time spent together?
Or I wonder if his entrance back to home life was a bit bumpy.
I can remember when I would go away with friends for a weekend. I would have a BLAST being a "person" again... without any "mommy" responsibilties.
My reentry to "reality" was always very rough. I'd walk back into a messy house with loud kids. It was often such a plunge back to normalcy that I would be very grumpy with Thayer and the kids. Back to laundry, back to dishes, etc. etc. ugh.
And now that Thayer is gone, I can't help but wonder... if God suddenly said to Thayer, "sure, go back down there for a while. Only Jill will remember that you were gone. Everything else will go
back to normal..."
What would I do? Would I be a better wife? A better mother? Would I treasure every moment together? Would I be a better listener? An encourager? Would I be supportive and loving?
If I had a chance to do it all over again... how would I be?
I feel like we get so caught up with "life" that we forget to live.
We forget to love those who we love most.
We waste so much time.
I also wonder how I will be in the future.
I am prayerfully hoping that through this experience God is fashioning me for something greater.
Malachi 3:3 says: "He will sit as a refiner and purifier of silver." I am thankful that He is right here with me while the flames are the hottest.
Saturday, October 25, 2008
10 weeks
Still surreal.
I find myself so busy these days with fabulous fall fun, that my tears aren't flowing as often as I wish they would.
But just as I start to beat myself up about not crying, I open Thayer's t-shirt drawer and the faucet turns on again.
In a way, I am so relieved that I am able to feel this saddness. And at the same time, I am amazed at how God has created me.
I am finding joy all around me and yet I can still mourn.
God has done an amazing work in me... by preparing me to be able to meet the challenge of Thayer's death. There is no way I'd be engaged in life if God weren't right here, holding me together.
I am so thankful.
Sad... but thankful.
I find myself so busy these days with fabulous fall fun, that my tears aren't flowing as often as I wish they would.
But just as I start to beat myself up about not crying, I open Thayer's t-shirt drawer and the faucet turns on again.
In a way, I am so relieved that I am able to feel this saddness. And at the same time, I am amazed at how God has created me.
I am finding joy all around me and yet I can still mourn.
God has done an amazing work in me... by preparing me to be able to meet the challenge of Thayer's death. There is no way I'd be engaged in life if God weren't right here, holding me together.
I am so thankful.
Sad... but thankful.
Beautiful, Beautiful
by Francesca Battistelli
Don't know how it is you looked at me
and saw the person that I could be
Awakening my heart, breaking through the dark
Suddenly Your Grace
Like sunlight burning at midnight
Making my life something so beautiful, beautiful
Mercy reaching to save me, all that I need
You are so beautiful, beautiful
Now there's a joy inside I can't contain
But even perfect days can end in rain
And though it's pouring down, I see You through the clouds
Shining on my face
I have come undone, but I have just begun,
Changing by Your Grace
Psalm 146:9
The Lord watches over the alien and sustains the fatherless and the widow.
I think our family should pretty much be covered...
Friday, October 24, 2008
new look!!
John Mark, thanks so much for the wonderful blog makeover! I am loving the sharp new look! I appreciate your time and talents :-) I didn't have a clue how to do it and I am so thankful for smart people in my life.
I must ask everyone... doesn't the shape in the top left corner look like a smiling dinosaur head? gotta love it!
I must ask everyone... doesn't the shape in the top left corner look like a smiling dinosaur head? gotta love it!
the clutter
I think I have alot of time on my hands tonight and I seem to be in a goofy mood...so stay with me here.
Here is what an ingenious onlooker may be able to determine about me:
As I have been assessing the mess in my house, I am realizing that you can tell alot about a person by their clutter.
For instance, let's observe the picture below. This is the pile that I mentioned in my last post. The ever growing pile of stuff that has captured the carpet next to my bed.
Here is what an ingenious onlooker may be able to determine about me:1. my photos are here! and I don't have a clue what to do with them. That's why they are in the floor. ugh.
2. Thayer's ashes are close to me. (Not because I need them to be... but because I tripped over them in other areas of my room.)
3. That flashlight is there...so I can beat intruders over the head if necessary. (My Dad should be proud)
4. Tissues... for those late night tears.
5. Thayer's Bible on top of the "to-be-read" pile of books. It's noteworthy that the Bible is on the TOP of that pile. I do read it daily.
6. The other books that I read snippets from are tossed about. (this photo is probably a good advertisement for Matthew Paul Turner).
I am aware that none of this is even remotely interesting to you. I just felt like posting a picture. :-)
Maybe I'll post an "after" picture... after I decide to pick up the junk.
Thursday, October 23, 2008
where we live
Our house is getting out of control.
Those of you who know me, know that I do not like clutter. I usually like to have things put away, out of sight. (usually stuffed in a drawer or closet... but out of sight).
Lately we have been so busy that things have just stayed where they have fallen.
Picture this at my house:
The kitchen countertops are collecting things. The living room floor is covered with library books. The hallway is littered with rubberbands, matchbox cars and books.
My room has become a "catch-all" with folded laundry on the dresser, 3 pairs of shoes in the floor, a bag of clothes for Goodwill, a pile of unread books and Thayer's ashes by my bed. (oh.. the ashes are in the box, of course... not literally "piled") hehe
D and L's rooms look like a scene from a violent movie.
Our basement family room is still full of the tent that I put up for D's sleepover ( I need to fit that thing back into it's tiny bag! (someone help!!) (Jim?!?)
Blankets are scattered in the floor and boy toys are thrown around... all out of place!!
The basement stairs are covered in cat hair and dust, and the cat litter needs to be dumped and replaced.
All of this to say that my environment is starting to wear me down! and I really don't have the motivation, yet, to straighten things up. whew.
It usually only takes less than an afternoon for me to pull myself together and it WILL happen before Halloween... so no worries :o)
But this is what I realized today:
Usually if the house were to deteriorate to this state, Thayer would instantly know that it starts to affect my ability to be pleasant :-)
I would notice him on occasion, running around the house putting things away, doing odd chores, etc. I would feel SO loved by his actions. He either loved me alot... or was just trying to avoid the inevitable emotional breakdown that I could have on such an occasion. Probably the latter.
It's all of these little things, that I am starting to notice, that I miss.
And they are also rude reminders that I really am a widow (such an ugly word) and a single mom. It's up to me to get the house and myself in order these days... I can only rely on God to motivate me as needed. Please pray that I can do the housework and get myself straight in the process. :-)
Those of you who know me, know that I do not like clutter. I usually like to have things put away, out of sight. (usually stuffed in a drawer or closet... but out of sight).
Lately we have been so busy that things have just stayed where they have fallen.
Picture this at my house:
The kitchen countertops are collecting things. The living room floor is covered with library books. The hallway is littered with rubberbands, matchbox cars and books.
My room has become a "catch-all" with folded laundry on the dresser, 3 pairs of shoes in the floor, a bag of clothes for Goodwill, a pile of unread books and Thayer's ashes by my bed. (oh.. the ashes are in the box, of course... not literally "piled") hehe
D and L's rooms look like a scene from a violent movie.
Our basement family room is still full of the tent that I put up for D's sleepover ( I need to fit that thing back into it's tiny bag! (someone help!!) (Jim?!?)
Blankets are scattered in the floor and boy toys are thrown around... all out of place!!
The basement stairs are covered in cat hair and dust, and the cat litter needs to be dumped and replaced.
All of this to say that my environment is starting to wear me down! and I really don't have the motivation, yet, to straighten things up. whew.
It usually only takes less than an afternoon for me to pull myself together and it WILL happen before Halloween... so no worries :o)
But this is what I realized today:
Usually if the house were to deteriorate to this state, Thayer would instantly know that it starts to affect my ability to be pleasant :-)
I would notice him on occasion, running around the house putting things away, doing odd chores, etc. I would feel SO loved by his actions. He either loved me alot... or was just trying to avoid the inevitable emotional breakdown that I could have on such an occasion. Probably the latter.
It's all of these little things, that I am starting to notice, that I miss.
And they are also rude reminders that I really am a widow (such an ugly word) and a single mom. It's up to me to get the house and myself in order these days... I can only rely on God to motivate me as needed. Please pray that I can do the housework and get myself straight in the process. :-)
Tuesday, October 21, 2008
the fish
D and L both won fish at a fall festival a couple of weekends ago. At first the kids put them in fish bowls but the fish looked so sad and way too placid. The fish needed some bubbly water, I was sure. I also warned the boys that these "festival" fish may not live long... especially after a small child (who will remain nameless) RAN through a field with a bagged fish. ugh.
Both boys decided to use their birthday money to buy one-gallon aquariums for their rooms. A very nice investment of birthday money, I must say. (only $10 at Walmart!)
The fish instantly came alive and enjoyed their new surroundings. Happy happy.
D and L have been very diligent at feeding the fish twice daily... one or two flakes at each feeding.
We had a late night tonight and when I was putting L to bed, I asked if he had fed the fish this evening. Upon looking in the aquarium...
The fish is dead.
uh-oh.
I know that L would be devastated... so I broke the news pretty much the same way I broke the news of thayer's death.... there's just no easy way to do it!!
And, yes, L cried and cried. First about the fish. And then about Thayer.
I cried about Lucas' sadness and then about Thayer. We were quite a sight.
L mentioned that TWO family members have died.... and he said that this is the 2nd worse night ever.
I reminded him that this night was WAY better than the night Thayer died. I reminded him that that night was the worst night of our lives. He agreed.
L was crying that he hoped the fish was being taken care of in heaven. Then I mentioned that perhaps Thayer had just gotten a new fish in heaven... it could have been Lucas' fish. (I know... a little lofty... )
It was just a sad ending to our really nice night.
We flushed the fish, said a little prayer for the fish (I know, I know) and we said a little prayer for Lucas.
I laid with him until he cried himself to sleep, again.
On a bright note, L stopped crying long enough to ask if he could have a new fish... maybe a blue one or a black one next time.
Sure... we can easily replace the fish.
Let's hope he doesn't start requesting a new Daddy anytime soon.
:-)
Both boys decided to use their birthday money to buy one-gallon aquariums for their rooms. A very nice investment of birthday money, I must say. (only $10 at Walmart!)
The fish instantly came alive and enjoyed their new surroundings. Happy happy.
D and L have been very diligent at feeding the fish twice daily... one or two flakes at each feeding.
We had a late night tonight and when I was putting L to bed, I asked if he had fed the fish this evening. Upon looking in the aquarium...
The fish is dead.
uh-oh.
I know that L would be devastated... so I broke the news pretty much the same way I broke the news of thayer's death.... there's just no easy way to do it!!
And, yes, L cried and cried. First about the fish. And then about Thayer.
I cried about Lucas' sadness and then about Thayer. We were quite a sight.
L mentioned that TWO family members have died.... and he said that this is the 2nd worse night ever.
I reminded him that this night was WAY better than the night Thayer died. I reminded him that that night was the worst night of our lives. He agreed.
L was crying that he hoped the fish was being taken care of in heaven. Then I mentioned that perhaps Thayer had just gotten a new fish in heaven... it could have been Lucas' fish. (I know... a little lofty... )
It was just a sad ending to our really nice night.
We flushed the fish, said a little prayer for the fish (I know, I know) and we said a little prayer for Lucas.
I laid with him until he cried himself to sleep, again.
On a bright note, L stopped crying long enough to ask if he could have a new fish... maybe a blue one or a black one next time.
Sure... we can easily replace the fish.
Let's hope he doesn't start requesting a new Daddy anytime soon.
:-)
Sunday, October 19, 2008
cry/talk
Tonight, I sat and listened to L "cry/talk" himself to sleep. He wanted to be alone tonight which is understandable. (I do my best crying when I am alone too).
As a mother, hearing my son cry... there are just no words.
I sat in my room and prayed for him.
After hearing him tonight, I have come to a new understanding of, what I have termed, "cry/talk".
This is new for our family.... but another blogger calls it "blubbering".
That's really what it is:-)
I have realized that I seem to cry "better" if I say outloud what I am feeling. I only do this when I am alone and need a good cry. Just talking to God... telling him to send messages to Thayer... praying that Thayer can hear me for a few minutes... replaying what should have been... just saying what's on my mind, etc. etc.
The possibilities of cry/talk seem to be endless. That's why it usually ends with falling asleep.
I am writing so casually about this behavior because I find it interesting that humans are pretty much geared the same. L was never taught to blubber and I usually don't blubber but we both have started with this since Thayer's death. It seems to be a good coping mechanism for both of us.
I am so thankful that God has created us to be thinking, feeling, individuals.
And I'm really thankful that He listens to our "cry/talk".
As a mother, hearing my son cry... there are just no words.
I sat in my room and prayed for him.
After hearing him tonight, I have come to a new understanding of, what I have termed, "cry/talk".
This is new for our family.... but another blogger calls it "blubbering".
That's really what it is:-)
I have realized that I seem to cry "better" if I say outloud what I am feeling. I only do this when I am alone and need a good cry. Just talking to God... telling him to send messages to Thayer... praying that Thayer can hear me for a few minutes... replaying what should have been... just saying what's on my mind, etc. etc.
The possibilities of cry/talk seem to be endless. That's why it usually ends with falling asleep.
I am writing so casually about this behavior because I find it interesting that humans are pretty much geared the same. L was never taught to blubber and I usually don't blubber but we both have started with this since Thayer's death. It seems to be a good coping mechanism for both of us.
I am so thankful that God has created us to be thinking, feeling, individuals.
And I'm really thankful that He listens to our "cry/talk".
Saturday, October 18, 2008
9 weeks
We have had a great saturday. My friend,L, and my boys went with me to C-ville last night so we could wake up early to participate in a 5K walk with "my people" (as I have affectionately been calling them).
It was a blessing to spend some time with "my people". I LOVE you guys!! There is no way to verbalize how important you are to me.... you're such an encouraging group of friends.
After our quick trip to C-ville, the boys and I had some down time this afternoon before heading to our church Fall Festival. We enjoyed some time with family, with friends, with food, and songs around the bonfire. It was a relaxing fall evening.
Then, back to my reality.
It is Saturday.
During many of our fun moments, I am reminded that Thayer isn't here to share in the excitement. I mention this to the boys alot... reminding them that their Daddy would have liked 'this' or 'that'. He would have especially liked the bonfire tonight...
Thinking back upon my recent experiences, I am reminded of the first moment that I felt truly "alone".
Don't get me wrong... I KNOW that I am not alone in this.... I have so much support from family and friends and I am very grateful!! And I have been having a blast lately!
I mean "alone" in a singular form... if that makes any sense. hahahaha Oh my goodness.
(who says I'm a good writer?!)
whew. anywho, here is my story:
I vividly remember driving to the funeral home with my parents for the first time after Thayer died. The car ride was a complete haze as I looked out the window and the world was zooming by.
When we arrived I got out of the car and proceeded to the front door.
At that moment a suddenness and realization hit me. As I approached the door, no one was beside me. No hand to hold. It was very much a maiden voyage into an important place without my partner. Half of me was missing.
That feeling comes back during many events. As if I plan to look next to me and see him there. Where he should be.
I am surrounded by people, I am having fun...
but still remembering Thayer is not beside me.
It was a blessing to spend some time with "my people". I LOVE you guys!! There is no way to verbalize how important you are to me.... you're such an encouraging group of friends.
After our quick trip to C-ville, the boys and I had some down time this afternoon before heading to our church Fall Festival. We enjoyed some time with family, with friends, with food, and songs around the bonfire. It was a relaxing fall evening.
Then, back to my reality.
It is Saturday.
During many of our fun moments, I am reminded that Thayer isn't here to share in the excitement. I mention this to the boys alot... reminding them that their Daddy would have liked 'this' or 'that'. He would have especially liked the bonfire tonight...
Thinking back upon my recent experiences, I am reminded of the first moment that I felt truly "alone".
Don't get me wrong... I KNOW that I am not alone in this.... I have so much support from family and friends and I am very grateful!! And I have been having a blast lately!
I mean "alone" in a singular form... if that makes any sense. hahahaha Oh my goodness.
(who says I'm a good writer?!)
whew. anywho, here is my story:
I vividly remember driving to the funeral home with my parents for the first time after Thayer died. The car ride was a complete haze as I looked out the window and the world was zooming by.
When we arrived I got out of the car and proceeded to the front door.
At that moment a suddenness and realization hit me. As I approached the door, no one was beside me. No hand to hold. It was very much a maiden voyage into an important place without my partner. Half of me was missing.
That feeling comes back during many events. As if I plan to look next to me and see him there. Where he should be.
I am surrounded by people, I am having fun...
but still remembering Thayer is not beside me.
Thursday, October 16, 2008
Music
I have recently decided that the quickest way to become depressed is to listen to secular music. Especially sad love songs. I popped in an old Jewel CD this afternoon and the joy instantly was sucked out of me.
The GREAT news is that when I got home...
brace yourself....
the NEW Andrew Peterson CD, Resurrection Letters Volume II, was in my mailbox!!! What a pleasant and God-sent surprise!!
I'm off to listen. :-)
yay!
The GREAT news is that when I got home...
brace yourself....
the NEW Andrew Peterson CD, Resurrection Letters Volume II, was in my mailbox!!! What a pleasant and God-sent surprise!!
I'm off to listen. :-)
yay!
Wednesday, October 15, 2008
scrapbooking
I had time to scrapbook tonight at Bethany's event. I enjoy going once a month to catch up on our recent pics and have some girl time.
Tonight was different.
First of all, I finished a family album. The last pictures of our family... with Thayer. I held myself together pretty well since there was other conversation around to distract me. I saved my tears for home.
How ODD to complete a book that represents the end of a chapter of our lives. The last tangible pictures of our time together with Thayer.
I could let myself wallow in this sorrow for a while. It pretty much sucks.
Secondly, I started sorting through our Arizona/Colorado pictures from our trip in June. I am planning to do a digital album... having it bound and delivered to me. I know that the finished product will be lovely but I am such a dork on the computer. I hope that I am able to get it finished without too many headaches. I have a gazillion pictures to sort through and I will need to pick out the ones that I will include in the album.
Decisions, decisions!!
I am thankful that Bethany has agreed to help me with the computer aspect.
Thayer would be shocked that I am working with pictures on the computer.... I had sworn off any computer involvement.
Now look at me!! I'm a blogging fool, a facebook regular, and I'm doing stuff with digital pictures. yikes!
After I get a handle on the trip pictures, I want to start a "memory" type album of things surrounding Thayer's death. Including the obituary, articles, emails, pictures from the service, letters, etc. etc. I have so much stuff laying around and I want to organize it in a nice way... so that the boys can look back on it some day.
I also will need to start a new album for recent pictures of the boys. A "new family" album.
Gee.... I'm putting alot on my plate. I hope I can do a little at a time.
Tonight was different.
First of all, I finished a family album. The last pictures of our family... with Thayer. I held myself together pretty well since there was other conversation around to distract me. I saved my tears for home.
How ODD to complete a book that represents the end of a chapter of our lives. The last tangible pictures of our time together with Thayer.
I could let myself wallow in this sorrow for a while. It pretty much sucks.
Secondly, I started sorting through our Arizona/Colorado pictures from our trip in June. I am planning to do a digital album... having it bound and delivered to me. I know that the finished product will be lovely but I am such a dork on the computer. I hope that I am able to get it finished without too many headaches. I have a gazillion pictures to sort through and I will need to pick out the ones that I will include in the album.
Decisions, decisions!!
I am thankful that Bethany has agreed to help me with the computer aspect.
Thayer would be shocked that I am working with pictures on the computer.... I had sworn off any computer involvement.
Now look at me!! I'm a blogging fool, a facebook regular, and I'm doing stuff with digital pictures. yikes!
After I get a handle on the trip pictures, I want to start a "memory" type album of things surrounding Thayer's death. Including the obituary, articles, emails, pictures from the service, letters, etc. etc. I have so much stuff laying around and I want to organize it in a nice way... so that the boys can look back on it some day.
I also will need to start a new album for recent pictures of the boys. A "new family" album.
Gee.... I'm putting alot on my plate. I hope I can do a little at a time.
Tuesday, October 14, 2008
full moon
I just looked out the window and had vivid memories of the night that Thayer died. The trees are illuminated like daytime and the glow of the moon lights up even the darkest areas of our backyard.
I had a memory replay of the long night that I spent awake after hearing of Thayer's death.
And then I realized that tonight is a full moon!
I looked on the calendar and realized that August 16th was a full moon as well!
(And I had simply thought that God had illuminated the pair of trees in my neighbor's yard as a symbol of Thayer and myself. hehe. Who would have thought it was just the moon doing it's normal thing) ;)
The continuance of the moon is a reminder that time keeps on ticking... whether I'm aware of it or not. I am thankful for these gentle reminders.
Tonight also marks 8 weeks since my friend J's fiance died.
Please keep J in your prayers as she is dealing with her loss and she is also facing many decisions involving her mother, who is currently in the hospital.
I had a memory replay of the long night that I spent awake after hearing of Thayer's death.
And then I realized that tonight is a full moon!
I looked on the calendar and realized that August 16th was a full moon as well!
(And I had simply thought that God had illuminated the pair of trees in my neighbor's yard as a symbol of Thayer and myself. hehe. Who would have thought it was just the moon doing it's normal thing) ;)
The continuance of the moon is a reminder that time keeps on ticking... whether I'm aware of it or not. I am thankful for these gentle reminders.
Tonight also marks 8 weeks since my friend J's fiance died.
Please keep J in your prayers as she is dealing with her loss and she is also facing many decisions involving her mother, who is currently in the hospital.
compassion
My loss seems like so little compared to things I have been reading tonight.
I am amazed at all of the women who have responded to the post titled "October 15" on Angie's blog.
Please join me in praying for all of these broken families.
It's heartbreaking.
I am amazed at all of the women who have responded to the post titled "October 15" on Angie's blog.
Please join me in praying for all of these broken families.
It's heartbreaking.
Monday, October 13, 2008
It Is Well With My Soul
This has become one of my new favorite songs :-) I just wanted to share the story behind it...
Sunday, October 12, 2008
In a blur?
I am wondering if I have come out of my fog yet...
I am realizing that things are still feeling very surreal for me. I am still reminding myself, in my quiet moments, that Thayer is dead.
I have tried to think back on the first few days and weeks following Thayer's death. I can remember snippets of events but I feel like I was just floating through the motions through all of the chaos. Now that things are slowing down, I still feel a bit of disconnect with things going on around me.
When Thayer died, I thought I was thinking clearly about things...I would like to know if I seemed totally loopy to everyone else. please let me know.
Now, when I should be thinking more clearly, I think that I'm still in a state of confusion.
I'm not sure why I'm debating my sanity over my blog. But I guess you guys would tell me if I am going nuts, right?!
haha
on a brighter note. I ran across this quote tonight...
I have learned to love the darkness of sorrow, for it is there I see the brightness of God's face.
Madame Guyon
Even though I struggle with my questionable moments I can gladly say that I have seen God's brightness through it all. I am so thankful that He has shown Himself to me in countless ways through this tragedy. God has been the ONE thing that I continue to see clearly.
Praise God!
I am realizing that things are still feeling very surreal for me. I am still reminding myself, in my quiet moments, that Thayer is dead.
I have tried to think back on the first few days and weeks following Thayer's death. I can remember snippets of events but I feel like I was just floating through the motions through all of the chaos. Now that things are slowing down, I still feel a bit of disconnect with things going on around me.
When Thayer died, I thought I was thinking clearly about things...I would like to know if I seemed totally loopy to everyone else. please let me know.
Now, when I should be thinking more clearly, I think that I'm still in a state of confusion.
I'm not sure why I'm debating my sanity over my blog. But I guess you guys would tell me if I am going nuts, right?!
haha
on a brighter note. I ran across this quote tonight...
I have learned to love the darkness of sorrow, for it is there I see the brightness of God's face.
Madame Guyon
Even though I struggle with my questionable moments I can gladly say that I have seen God's brightness through it all. I am so thankful that He has shown Himself to me in countless ways through this tragedy. God has been the ONE thing that I continue to see clearly.
Praise God!
Concert
The Benefit Concert was wonderful!!
I am SO thankful for the musicians that donated their time and talents for us!! I am thankful for the behind the scenes folks who helped plan and set-up. I am thankful for the sound techs who ran the sound. I realize that there was alot of work put into tonight and I am so grateful for everything!
Thanks to those of you who came. And thanks to those of you who made donations. I am super appreciative of the support. I'm just at a loss of words to express how much the love and support means to our family.
I'm hoping that that "thank you" will cover it for now. :-)
I have been blessed in countless ways over these 8 weeks.
The music tonight was a huge blessing!
thank you!
I am SO thankful for the musicians that donated their time and talents for us!! I am thankful for the behind the scenes folks who helped plan and set-up. I am thankful for the sound techs who ran the sound. I realize that there was alot of work put into tonight and I am so grateful for everything!
Thanks to those of you who came. And thanks to those of you who made donations. I am super appreciative of the support. I'm just at a loss of words to express how much the love and support means to our family.
I'm hoping that that "thank you" will cover it for now. :-)
I have been blessed in countless ways over these 8 weeks.
The music tonight was a huge blessing!
thank you!
Saturday, October 11, 2008
8 weeks
It has been 8 weeks since Thayer's death.
This Saturday has not been a typical Saturday. I think it has been my first completely relaxing Saturday since our new life began.
I am thankful that D had a successful party last night.
After the party goers headed home, we enjoyed a quiet morning... Just the three of us. This has been a rarity lately... so I am thankful for our day together.
We headed to a church fall festival this afternoon and I recalled some sweet memories of the same festival last year.... when Thayer was with us.
Every Saturday, I tend to think of our times with Thayer. I try to think of what activities we would be doing as a family on any given weekend. So many weekends I would, and still do, have activities booked WAY in advance. Thayer used to be irritated that we were never "free" on the weekends.
Whenever a free Saturday appeared, I would get ready in the AM and see what Thayer would suggest for us to do as a family. Some weekends, he'd come up with a great idea and we'd head out together.... (like our last saturday together, when we visited the market). That was a rare "free" day and I am SO glad that Thayer engaged in a family day.
He could have easily said that he needed to do fix-it work, or go riding all day, or make 8 trips to Lowes, etc.
But God knew that it was an important day. I am so thankful that we spent it together as a family.
Having said that, I am beginning to really enjoy those "free" moments with my boys. True... those of you who have spent any time with me lately know that my boys are driving me nuts. But I also realize that when it's just the three of us, things are pretty nice. Perhaps I DO need to tame down on our schedule a bit. We'll see how that goes.
All in all, I am trying to grasp onto the happy moments that we can share. Knowing that it can all change in an instant.
This Saturday has not been a typical Saturday. I think it has been my first completely relaxing Saturday since our new life began.
I am thankful that D had a successful party last night.
After the party goers headed home, we enjoyed a quiet morning... Just the three of us. This has been a rarity lately... so I am thankful for our day together.
We headed to a church fall festival this afternoon and I recalled some sweet memories of the same festival last year.... when Thayer was with us.
Every Saturday, I tend to think of our times with Thayer. I try to think of what activities we would be doing as a family on any given weekend. So many weekends I would, and still do, have activities booked WAY in advance. Thayer used to be irritated that we were never "free" on the weekends.
Whenever a free Saturday appeared, I would get ready in the AM and see what Thayer would suggest for us to do as a family. Some weekends, he'd come up with a great idea and we'd head out together.... (like our last saturday together, when we visited the market). That was a rare "free" day and I am SO glad that Thayer engaged in a family day.
He could have easily said that he needed to do fix-it work, or go riding all day, or make 8 trips to Lowes, etc.
But God knew that it was an important day. I am so thankful that we spent it together as a family.
Having said that, I am beginning to really enjoy those "free" moments with my boys. True... those of you who have spent any time with me lately know that my boys are driving me nuts. But I also realize that when it's just the three of us, things are pretty nice. Perhaps I DO need to tame down on our schedule a bit. We'll see how that goes.
All in all, I am trying to grasp onto the happy moments that we can share. Knowing that it can all change in an instant.
Friday, October 10, 2008
a successful party.... maybe
I am sitting in my basement waiting for 5 kids to get to sleep.
Make that four... L just left to go to his bedroom.
We are celebrating D's birthday tonight. The kids came over after 5pm. We had pizza for dinner, D opened gifts, we played with the gifts, We ate cake and icecream, they played with gifts again, we started a camp fire, we roasted marshmallows, kids cooked hotdogs, the kids played 'hide and seek' and tag in the dark, we played "Pin the mask on Spiderman", they watched part of "Chicken Little", and played 'hide and seek' indoors.
Currently the four that our left in the basement with me are camped out in a tent. Up till now, the night has been a gem.
The settling down part is starting to wear me down. D is SO obnoxious about things and they are just LOUD. I am confident that they will fall asleep soon. Either that or I will have to separate them all and threaten their lives.
I hope that they choose to sleep ;P
Make that four... L just left to go to his bedroom.
We are celebrating D's birthday tonight. The kids came over after 5pm. We had pizza for dinner, D opened gifts, we played with the gifts, We ate cake and icecream, they played with gifts again, we started a camp fire, we roasted marshmallows, kids cooked hotdogs, the kids played 'hide and seek' and tag in the dark, we played "Pin the mask on Spiderman", they watched part of "Chicken Little", and played 'hide and seek' indoors.
Currently the four that our left in the basement with me are camped out in a tent. Up till now, the night has been a gem.
The settling down part is starting to wear me down. D is SO obnoxious about things and they are just LOUD. I am confident that they will fall asleep soon. Either that or I will have to separate them all and threaten their lives.
I hope that they choose to sleep ;P
Thursday, October 09, 2008
the Thayer I miss
I miss the past Thayer, that I knew. the younger, thinner, glasses wearing, adventurous Thayer. The Thayer that swept me off of my feet and made me a bride and a mother.
I miss the Thayer that drove me to tears during late night "discussions". The Thayer that was so good with words that he talked in circles and eventually made me realize that everything was my fault. (haha)
I miss the Thayer that taught me that love is a choice, not a feeling.
I miss the Thayer that was a patient, loving, wonderful Dad. I could see his eyes sparkle when he spent time with the boys.
I miss the Thayer that helped mold my attitudes about life. He taught me that "worry" was useless and that it showed a distrust in God.
He taught me that is was pointless to live in fear of the bad things that could happen. He taught me that we needed to trust that God would make things okay.
I know that God placed Thayer in my life to teach me alot of things. Even though bad things have happened... I can accept them and trust that God will make things okay.
I can see how God used our conversations to prepare me for this journey. I am comforted by remembering discussions that Thayer and I had about life.
Whenever I start to miss Thayer and start to think, "This isn't fair".... I immediately stop short and remember hearing Thayer say, over and over... "Life's not fair".
Thayer knew it. Now I know it.
Life's not fair but God is good.
I miss the Thayer that drove me to tears during late night "discussions". The Thayer that was so good with words that he talked in circles and eventually made me realize that everything was my fault. (haha)
I miss the Thayer that taught me that love is a choice, not a feeling.
I miss the Thayer that was a patient, loving, wonderful Dad. I could see his eyes sparkle when he spent time with the boys.
I miss the Thayer that helped mold my attitudes about life. He taught me that "worry" was useless and that it showed a distrust in God.
He taught me that is was pointless to live in fear of the bad things that could happen. He taught me that we needed to trust that God would make things okay.
I know that God placed Thayer in my life to teach me alot of things. Even though bad things have happened... I can accept them and trust that God will make things okay.
I can see how God used our conversations to prepare me for this journey. I am comforted by remembering discussions that Thayer and I had about life.
Whenever I start to miss Thayer and start to think, "This isn't fair".... I immediately stop short and remember hearing Thayer say, over and over... "Life's not fair".
Thayer knew it. Now I know it.
Life's not fair but God is good.
Monday, October 06, 2008
the little things
I think the reality of Thayer's death is slowly creeping in.
(Not smashing in as I anticipated it happening.)
I think I like the creeping way better.
Over the past weeks, I think I have been treating his death sort of in a third person view. Not intentionally... but I think that's how God designed us to cope through the beginning stages.
So much business associated with it all. So much to do and say. Many days, I am removed from my situation just by living life.
As you know, night time is my time to think.
I often find myself so busy during the day that I have to stop and remind myself, "yes, my husband is dead". Each time, it's like hearing it for the first time. But maybe a little more believeable each time.
Yes, I know he's not coming back. And we are dealing appropriately but I often have to remind myself that this is MY situation and not just something I am reading or watching. This is really MY reality.
So I am thankful that my reality is slowly occuring to me. It gives me time to process things each day.
Now that things are "slowing down", I am starting to notice many "little things" of significance to me:
-I have had to change three light bulbs this week.
-I have had to fold our queen sheets. He always folded them so well because he was tall and had long arms :-)
-I have come to the conclusion that I am responsible for getting things repaired. home and car.(Thank God for "handy" friends!!)
-The cat, who rarely goes outside, ran outside tonight. And I had to bribe him inside with cat treats... he used to come instantly when Thayer called. go figure.
-We ate at Chic Fil A tonight. It was one of the most "empty" meals I've ever eaten there. We always ate there with Thayer. (We had picked him up from work and eaten there just a few days before he died). It was one of our favorite lunch spots. We would take the kids, eat, and then enjoy some "date" time while the kids played in the play area. :-)
-Thayer's bathroom is dirty from lack of use. (This baffles me).
-I stay up WAY too late at night because he isn't here to make me go to bed. hmmm... I gotta blame somebody ;)
And tonight as I remember 8 years ago... I was in Labor with D for over 20 hours. Only Thayer would remember that he stood up and held me... all of my weight, as I leaned against him during every contraction. He was a man of steel. I think that he was more sore than I was after the delivery.
Gotta love that man:-)
My first baby will be 8 tomorrow. That's amazing.
I am so thankful that God blessed me with these two beautiful pieces of Thayer.
(Not smashing in as I anticipated it happening.)
I think I like the creeping way better.
Over the past weeks, I think I have been treating his death sort of in a third person view. Not intentionally... but I think that's how God designed us to cope through the beginning stages.
So much business associated with it all. So much to do and say. Many days, I am removed from my situation just by living life.
As you know, night time is my time to think.
I often find myself so busy during the day that I have to stop and remind myself, "yes, my husband is dead". Each time, it's like hearing it for the first time. But maybe a little more believeable each time.
Yes, I know he's not coming back. And we are dealing appropriately but I often have to remind myself that this is MY situation and not just something I am reading or watching. This is really MY reality.
So I am thankful that my reality is slowly occuring to me. It gives me time to process things each day.
Now that things are "slowing down", I am starting to notice many "little things" of significance to me:
-I have had to change three light bulbs this week.
-I have had to fold our queen sheets. He always folded them so well because he was tall and had long arms :-)
-I have come to the conclusion that I am responsible for getting things repaired. home and car.(Thank God for "handy" friends!!)
-The cat, who rarely goes outside, ran outside tonight. And I had to bribe him inside with cat treats... he used to come instantly when Thayer called. go figure.
-We ate at Chic Fil A tonight. It was one of the most "empty" meals I've ever eaten there. We always ate there with Thayer. (We had picked him up from work and eaten there just a few days before he died). It was one of our favorite lunch spots. We would take the kids, eat, and then enjoy some "date" time while the kids played in the play area. :-)
-Thayer's bathroom is dirty from lack of use. (This baffles me).
-I stay up WAY too late at night because he isn't here to make me go to bed. hmmm... I gotta blame somebody ;)
And tonight as I remember 8 years ago... I was in Labor with D for over 20 hours. Only Thayer would remember that he stood up and held me... all of my weight, as I leaned against him during every contraction. He was a man of steel. I think that he was more sore than I was after the delivery.
Gotta love that man:-)
My first baby will be 8 tomorrow. That's amazing.
I am so thankful that God blessed me with these two beautiful pieces of Thayer.
Saturday, October 04, 2008
Job
I have thought of Job several times over the last 7 weeks. Not that I compare my loss with Job's but I have prayed that I could have faith like Job's.
I have been reading Streams In The Desert each night, by L.B. Cowman
Here are excerpts, that I like, from today's devotion:
I have been reading Streams In The Desert each night, by L.B. Cowman
Here are excerpts, that I like, from today's devotion:
October 4
The Lord blessed the latter part of Job's life more than the first.
(Job 42:12)
Job found his legacy through the grief he experienced. He was tried that his godliness might be confirmed and validated. In the same way, my troubles are intended to deepen my character and to clothe me in gifts I had little of prior to my difficulties, for my ripest fruit grows against the roughest wall. I come to a place of glory only through my own humility, tears, and death, just as Job's afflictions left him with a higher view of God and more humble thoughts of himself. At last he cried, "Now my eyes have seen you" (v.5)
If I experience the presence of God in His majesty throught my pain and loss, so that I bow before Him and pray, "Your will be done" (Matt.6:10), then I have gained much indeed. God gave Job glimpses of his future glory, for in those weary and difficult days and nights, he was allowed to penetrate God's veil and could honestly say, "I know that my Redeemer lives" (Job 19:25). So truly, "The Lord blessed the latter part of Job's life more than the first." from In The Hour of Silence
Trouble never comes to someone unless it brings a nugget of gold in its hand.
Apparent adversity will ultimately become an advantage for those of us doing what is right, if we are willing to keep serving and to wait patiently. Think of the great victorious souls of the past who worked with steadfast faith and who were invincible and courageous! There are many blessings we will never obtain if we are unwilling to accept and endure suffering. There are certain joys that can come to us only through sorrow. There are revelations of God's divine truth that we will receive only when the lights of earth have been extinguished. And there are harvest that will grow only once the plow has done its work. selected
Friday, October 03, 2008
wedding
I'm looking forward to Cathy and Cory's wedding tomorrow!!
Even as you read the rest of this post... please know that I am SO happy for C and C... and I am honored to be a part of their wedding celebration!!! I wish them the BEST!!
Tonight I watched our wedding video from April 10, 1999.
You can imagine how that went.
Thayer was way skinny and tiny... very unlike my recent Thayer. :-) I was smaller too, of course :p
All of the well wishes from family and friends included statements like, " wishing you many years of happiness".... "wishing you a long and happy marriage", "I am praying that you will have as many years together as me and my wife", "the good moments will far outweigh the bad moments", "wishing you health, happiness and a long life together", etc. etc.
I mentioned that I wanted us to "grow old together".
Thayer even said something like "we have many years, a happy life."
yeah, right. I guess we all missed the memo.
Thayer and I were married for only 9 years.
And as Thayer often told our boys... "Life's not fair".
Boy, was he right! I miss him.
only 9 years...
(but I must state that my dream as a child was to get married and have kids. I am so thankful for the few years that Thayer and I were able to share. He made my childhood dreams come true. And I have beautiful children thanks to him.
I just would have never guessed that the "married" part would be so short.)
Even as you read the rest of this post... please know that I am SO happy for C and C... and I am honored to be a part of their wedding celebration!!! I wish them the BEST!!
Tonight I watched our wedding video from April 10, 1999.
You can imagine how that went.
Thayer was way skinny and tiny... very unlike my recent Thayer. :-) I was smaller too, of course :p
All of the well wishes from family and friends included statements like, " wishing you many years of happiness".... "wishing you a long and happy marriage", "I am praying that you will have as many years together as me and my wife", "the good moments will far outweigh the bad moments", "wishing you health, happiness and a long life together", etc. etc.
I mentioned that I wanted us to "grow old together".
Thayer even said something like "we have many years, a happy life."
yeah, right. I guess we all missed the memo.
Thayer and I were married for only 9 years.
And as Thayer often told our boys... "Life's not fair".
Boy, was he right! I miss him.
only 9 years...
(but I must state that my dream as a child was to get married and have kids. I am so thankful for the few years that Thayer and I were able to share. He made my childhood dreams come true. And I have beautiful children thanks to him.
I just would have never guessed that the "married" part would be so short.)
Thursday, October 02, 2008
feelings
for those of you who are expecting a fresh blog entry each day... I apologize for my "lack" yesterday.
I am SUPER proud of myself.... I made it to bed last night by 9:30 and I'm pretty sure I was asleep by 10:30!!! That is a FIRST in... well... since before Thayer died. I was up and rolling this morning without hitting the snooze button. That's a first as well.
I am shadowed by thoughts of Thayer.
I recently made the weird choice to take a whiff of his deodorant. And I instantly got a feeling of dread. (He didn't wear cologne so the deodorant smell is what I have always known.)
I also lost it today over our windows. The breeze had gotten chilly and I was shutting the windows around the house. Again, a feeling of dread over the fact that he won't be here to help keep us warm this winter.
(He was always the lumberjack who ran the wood stove. Luckily this house has a heat pump... but he was still the one who adjusted the thermostat to make things comfortable.)
Our first change of season, without him.
It's hard to explain this feeling of dread... it's a quick tight feeling in my chest accompanied by a shortness of breath and usually a whimper. It's a horrible reaction to things but it has become the norm. I am also thankful that I can feel this...that I can feel this grief.
I have also noticed more memories starting to show themselves. I am thankful that God is allowing me to "see".
on a brighter note, I am gearin up for a fun weekend. One of my best friends, Cathy, is getting married on Saturday so I get to partake in Bridesmaid fun over the next two days. I'm looking forward to some girl time and celebration.
I am SUPER proud of myself.... I made it to bed last night by 9:30 and I'm pretty sure I was asleep by 10:30!!! That is a FIRST in... well... since before Thayer died. I was up and rolling this morning without hitting the snooze button. That's a first as well.
I am shadowed by thoughts of Thayer.
I recently made the weird choice to take a whiff of his deodorant. And I instantly got a feeling of dread. (He didn't wear cologne so the deodorant smell is what I have always known.)
I also lost it today over our windows. The breeze had gotten chilly and I was shutting the windows around the house. Again, a feeling of dread over the fact that he won't be here to help keep us warm this winter.
(He was always the lumberjack who ran the wood stove. Luckily this house has a heat pump... but he was still the one who adjusted the thermostat to make things comfortable.)
Our first change of season, without him.
It's hard to explain this feeling of dread... it's a quick tight feeling in my chest accompanied by a shortness of breath and usually a whimper. It's a horrible reaction to things but it has become the norm. I am also thankful that I can feel this...that I can feel this grief.
I have also noticed more memories starting to show themselves. I am thankful that God is allowing me to "see".
on a brighter note, I am gearin up for a fun weekend. One of my best friends, Cathy, is getting married on Saturday so I get to partake in Bridesmaid fun over the next two days. I'm looking forward to some girl time and celebration.
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