fall overload

It's beautiful outside. I love fall. even the cloudy days.

I have overscheduled my life this week but I'm certain things will work out. In fact, I must be so certain that things will work out that I decided not to function... again today. I managed to balance my checkbook and then I laid on the couch to read. I took a glorious nap, for all of five minutes, before the kids came home.
We are on our way to Kids Haven tonight. I'm looking forward to a hot meal. I am freezing today!

I'm in the process of planning food for four parties this week. And who knew that it's actually easy... once you pick up the phone and delegate. (yeah, I shouldn't omit that I telephoned 10 people today about school parties. that was a blast.)

I'm really into my Good Grief Book but it has thrown me back into a bit of pouty grieving. I cried myself to sleep last night. I need that once in a while. I like to remember where I've been and where God has brought me.
I miss Thayer.

Then, to top that... I am loving jared. So of course, I'm probably a mental case dealing with death and love simultaneously.
I know that Thayer isn't around and that it's perfectly fine for me to date and be happy. I hope everyone else can agree with me at this point?

Lately, I've been thinking about Thayer and realizing that Jared is WAY different. But who's comparing?? (probably everyone...)

But really...Jared is supposed to be different. I'm not looking for a replacement.
I'm just really tickled that God has sent someone along that intrigues me. So much about Jared is new and exciting for me. I'm really excited about getting to know him. He's a great guy. I hope he sticks around. :-)

the day of funk

I have one day just about every month... when I'm in a funk. Today is the day. I was anxious to get home to my filthy house... so I could ignore my chores and curl up in bed. This day wasn't as productive as last month's funk day. I think I managed to sleep for a few hours last month. But today, the phone rang 6 times within an hour. (and I'm happy for the friends who called... but I'm not sure why the phone company wanted to chat at 3:30 in the afternoon.)

so... I've started reading a new book, Good Grief, written by Lolly Winston. (Thanks to Melissa for passing it along!)
I am only a couple of chapters into the book but I'm already loving it!! It's a fictional book about a young widow. So far, the character is "right on". I can totally relate to the attitude and thoughts of this gal. I'm anxious to see how the book follows her time of grieving.

In the book, a grief counselor explains, "The death of a loved one isn't really something you ever get over, Instead, one morning you wake up and it's not the first thing you think of."
The character in the book can't imagine when that morning will ever come to her house.
But it's encouraging to know that it HAS come to our house.

I generally wake up happy and content. My first thoughts usually include a prayer, Bible reading, thoughts of Jared (who continues to sweep me off of my feet), and thoughts of what needs to be accomplished that day. I can't recall a recent morning in which I immediately thought about Thayer's death or being a widow. It seems like I've settled into my "widow" role and it doesn't sound so far-fetched anymore. I guess you'd call that "acceptance". Thayer would say.. "it is what it is".

BUT... I am still taken by surprise sometimes...
I was at the mall the other day. The song From This Moment, which was sung at our wedding, played in the background. I was caught panicked, short of breath, and instantly teared up. Wow. An intense grief burst that I wouldn't have expected.

Not sure why I went off on such a tangent from my "funk day"... but I'm glad to have gotten some of these thoughts out.

anywho... back to the funk...
I suppose I should call the kids in from the woods and fix some dinner. Tonight, we will feast on "P" foods.... Popcorn, Pineapple and Pringles. I might even throw in some Pink milk as a nutritional bonus.

For Jared...

and for Lisa too!! ;)

It's actually possible!

There is an amazing corn maze at Layman Family Farms that we have visited for the past two years.
Last year- Cathy and I wandered aimlessly through the corn while my kids were hopelessly lost with another group of people.
This past weekend- my sister, my boys and I were completely lost in the maze for about an hour and a half before we had to be ushered out by "corn cops" close to closing time. (I think we came upon scarecrow clue #5 about 5 times!)

(and btw... going at night is the best! take your flashlights!)

I am pretty certain that the maze is designed so that you will get lost. Everyone seemed to be lost! When the corn folks came to escort us out... they were escorting out hordes of people. seriously.

so... I arranged to have a date night with J in the corn maze. He seemed confident that he could get through the maze with little trouble. And I... knowing that it was hopeless... was looking forward to being lost and teasing him about it.

But... lo and behold... that man dominated the maze!! I am super impressed!! He held that teeny map and just walked through! There was only a brief period of time when he seemed to lose confidence... but we found the next clue and he was on a roll! I am super proud to know such a navigational genius :-) I feel like I'm in good hands. :-)

Now... knowing that the maze can be conquered... we will all have to rise to the occasion next year!
Good Luck!

every day is halloween.

I am sitting on the porch watching a gladiator and a swamp creature play in my yard.
I... once again... have given in and purchased halloween costumes for the boys. I'm not sure why I give in to this temptation year after year... especially since the voice in my head says that I never remember having store bought costumes as a kid. Spending the ridiculous amounts of money on these flimsy little costumes seems so much easier than actually trying to be creative.
So... here we are.

I've decided that the boys will be required to wear these suits DAILY until they are outgrown. That way, I'll feel a little better about the investment.
There is no reason to wait until Halloween to partake in the costumes. Heck... if they didn't have a dress code at school, I'm pretty sure that I would send them to school in their Halloween attire.

Luckily, at Halloween time, their school has a costume day where they are allowed to dress like their "favorite storybook character". In past years, I would try to come up with real storybook characters... but then that would involve having TWO costumes!!
Then I realized that I could manipulate the rules to be easier for me:
We'll be going to the library ASAP to dig up SOME kind of storybook that is about a gladiator and a swamp creature. I'm really hoping that there is a Scooby Doo book out there that will cover the Swamp Creature. And I'm not too sure about the gladiator... but I'll come up with something. :-)

Happy Days!!
I love October!!

my gorilla child

well. He's far from gorilla stage. He's pretty much average in height and weight. But the other night, I went to cover him up in bed and he looked like a curled up mass of kid.
He had a birthday today. Geez... where does the time go? Looking back, I am SO glad that I invested time at home with him... because now, he is into friends and other things. Mom doesn't fit into his cool list anymore. I'm okay with that because I enjoy watching him make his own way.
anywho.
He's almost to the age where I usually consider kids to be pretty cool and independent. I'm realizing that I need to expect more from him. He is quite capable of alot of things...but I think I'm too impatient to give him more responsibility.
I'm looking forward to the day when he weighs enough to use the riding mower. But... apparently.... if two siblings sit together on a mower, they weigh enough. They had practice at Papa's the other day.
Good to know.

(and...wow... if that wasn't the most random blog, I dunno...)
happy wednesday!

Where to start?

I don't understand how I can go for weeks and not really have a blogable moment... and then I have about four at once. It might have something to do with the fact that my boyfriend has been busy for a few days... and I've had some time to think about other things. go figure.

but seriously.... where to start. I think I'll start with the most recent thought and then I'll backtrack over the next few days. Check back to read about my gorilla child... the book I'm currently reading... and my opportunity to serve.

Okay... topic number one:
Stuff.

I went downstairs to file some papers. (yes, I still have "papers" and I still use an actual filing cabinet!)
As I opened the drawer, my eyes fell upon various folders that Thayer had created to keep lots of his job possibilities, old job info, plans for things, etc. etc. Wow. That guy kept everything!!
I realized that it is ALL trash. A dead man's old plans and papers. It's nothing that I would need, or my kids, or his family. It's just trash.
I even thought that the three drawer filing cabinet was a bit too much for me...and that I should probably downsize.
I was immediately saddened.

I am reminded of how a friend at work described... that after her mother's death, everything that was left of her worldly possesions fit into a small shoe box.
So true.
When we are dead and gone... the "stuff" doesn't matter anymore.

I'm almost to the point where I may be motivated to clean out my basement... because the boys want a space to roller blade indoors. I know that once I organize the useful things... that a majority of the "stuff" will be thrown out.
I know I will have some painful moments as I toss alot of thayer's stuff out. But it's not the stuff that matters... it's the quality of the life that matters.

I have been receiving daily emails from an organization called Grief Share.
The daily emails walk a grieving person through the first year of grieving. I just received day 241 (because I didn't know about the organization till a little later)... but... the emails seem to be "right on" with the stages that I've been through. This week, they have talked alot about moving forward. And I feel confirmed that I have been doing well with my future thinking :-)
I know that Thayer is not coming back and that I must continue to move forward with my future.
Interesting enough... I have arrived at the emotional stage that I was TERRIFIED of when I first heard of Thayer's death. I was so scared that he would simply become a "memory". I was scared that years down the road, I would casually refer to him as "my late husband" or "my first husband". I wanted to somehow keep his memory very vivid and present.
But in reality... here I am... adjusting to the fact that he really is just a memory. We have stories to share, videos to watch and pictures to see... but he IS just a memory. I am prayerful that my boys will have good memories and I do my best to talk about Thayer and pass along stories as they come to mind.

Those folders in the filing cabinet seem to be a flashback to another life... seems so long ago.
I miss him.