Where to start?

I don't understand how I can go for weeks and not really have a blogable moment... and then I have about four at once. It might have something to do with the fact that my boyfriend has been busy for a few days... and I've had some time to think about other things. go figure.

but seriously.... where to start. I think I'll start with the most recent thought and then I'll backtrack over the next few days. Check back to read about my gorilla child... the book I'm currently reading... and my opportunity to serve.

Okay... topic number one:
Stuff.

I went downstairs to file some papers. (yes, I still have "papers" and I still use an actual filing cabinet!)
As I opened the drawer, my eyes fell upon various folders that Thayer had created to keep lots of his job possibilities, old job info, plans for things, etc. etc. Wow. That guy kept everything!!
I realized that it is ALL trash. A dead man's old plans and papers. It's nothing that I would need, or my kids, or his family. It's just trash.
I even thought that the three drawer filing cabinet was a bit too much for me...and that I should probably downsize.
I was immediately saddened.

I am reminded of how a friend at work described... that after her mother's death, everything that was left of her worldly possesions fit into a small shoe box.
So true.
When we are dead and gone... the "stuff" doesn't matter anymore.

I'm almost to the point where I may be motivated to clean out my basement... because the boys want a space to roller blade indoors. I know that once I organize the useful things... that a majority of the "stuff" will be thrown out.
I know I will have some painful moments as I toss alot of thayer's stuff out. But it's not the stuff that matters... it's the quality of the life that matters.

I have been receiving daily emails from an organization called Grief Share.
The daily emails walk a grieving person through the first year of grieving. I just received day 241 (because I didn't know about the organization till a little later)... but... the emails seem to be "right on" with the stages that I've been through. This week, they have talked alot about moving forward. And I feel confirmed that I have been doing well with my future thinking :-)
I know that Thayer is not coming back and that I must continue to move forward with my future.
Interesting enough... I have arrived at the emotional stage that I was TERRIFIED of when I first heard of Thayer's death. I was so scared that he would simply become a "memory". I was scared that years down the road, I would casually refer to him as "my late husband" or "my first husband". I wanted to somehow keep his memory very vivid and present.
But in reality... here I am... adjusting to the fact that he really is just a memory. We have stories to share, videos to watch and pictures to see... but he IS just a memory. I am prayerful that my boys will have good memories and I do my best to talk about Thayer and pass along stories as they come to mind.

Those folders in the filing cabinet seem to be a flashback to another life... seems so long ago.
I miss him.