lobster killer

I just watched Julie and Julia. Everyone was right! It was a great film. Inspiring! to some people.
and convicting to me.

One friend blogged that it inspired her to start cooking again.
hah. I wasn't inspired in the least.

Perhaps I was inspired to have a husband. Julie and Julia had super duper husbands. Lucky them.
I'll have to be on the lookout. :)

If anything... the movie reminded me that I don't have a passion for anything. Nothing that I feel strongly about...
and the closest thing I have to a hobby is my nightly, scalding bath. (Which btw... is a super hobby to have.)

Seriously...
Am I really that dull?
How can I take a "feel good" movie and turn it into a depressing place to wallow?

Yes, I know that there are many seasons of life... and right now... I'm stuck in a season that I need to start being comfortable in.
It's just that I'm so darn antsy...

not a new thought... but it is for me.

We all know that my favorite verse is Jeremiah 29:11...

For I know the plans I have for you, declares the LORD, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.

I've got this verse framed, in my bathroom, and I've read it every morning for 17 months.
A few days ago, God showed me something from this verse that I hadn't considered before.

I have always carried great hope for a future. If anyone has hope, it's me :)
It's that promise of a future that I keep clinging to.

But God says here... "plans to GIVE HOPE". He not only says that he will give a future... but he says he will "GIVE hope".

In the wake of the earthquake in Haiti and the recent murders in a nearby county... I can see that lots of people do not have hope, of any kind. Words can not describe the pain that so many families and friends are enduring this week. My heart breaks for everyone involved.

But it adds comfort to the ache knowing that God has promised to "give hope".
When there is no hope to be had...we can hold on and know that it's coming!
When things can't get any worse...we can atleast hold out our hands and ask him to give a little hope.
And I think a little hope will go a long way.

17 months.

I always tell myself that I am going to go back and read my blog posts from this date, last year. I'd be curious to see how much things have changed or how much I have learned over the course of a year.
Tonight, I remembered to look back at this post, from January 16, 2009.

I was suddenly reminded that today is the 16th of the month. And then I had to count on my fingers, several times, to conclude that it has been 17 months since Thayer died. And even on a Saturday.
After reading the post from last year, I realized that not much has changed in a year. The grief can still be so overwhelming and we are still just doing the best that we can.
Really... what more would I expect?
Fortunately, I can report that the grief bursts are fewer and scattered. But they still pop up when you least expect it.

I cried while preparing a grapefruit for L the other day. I vividly remembered how Thayer and L would share grapefruit and how Thayer VERY strategically prepared the fruit for consumption. Lucas shared his memory with me and I was thrilled that L was able to remember such little details of special moments between him and his Dad.

passive aggressive

Okay. The neighbors.
Man, woman, (college age?) daughter.
I learned pretty quickly after we moved in that these people would probaby enjoy living in a commune far away from other people. But somehow, they chose the cul-de-sac in the city, where they have slowly been surrounded by people... with children.

I have spoken to the man once. It was very shortly after we moved in. My kids were exploring the woods on the edge of our adjoining yards. The man came home from work and very nicely said that the kids should be careful because he had encountered several copperheads in the yard.

Later on, I realized that what he probably really meant to say was, "stay the hell out of my yard."

I have since seen him sprint out of his house, in his pjs, to shoo a couple of skateboarders out from the area in front of his house. (please correct me if I'm wrong... but I believe that the city owns the first few feet of property bordering the street, right?)

moving on.

The lady. We have exchanged 'hellos' out by the mailbox several times, and we've chatted about our pets. But that's it. If I get a personal visit, I know that something must be dreadfully wrong. We had an incident with a bee hive a few months ago that totally flustered me. Things didn't work out the way that she planned and I don't think I've laid eyes on her since.

It's not really the lack of verbal communication that baffles me. It's the interesting little actions that they take in order to solve their dire irritations.
Most of what I notice, I have tucked away somewhere, not even to be thought of again. I try not to waste energy on some of this stuff.

But their actions today.. make me partly want to chuckle and partly want to scream.

Rewind:
My kids have strict orders to stay out of the neighbor's yard and driveway. The other neighbor kids do not. So I feel like I'm constantly reminding them to steer clear.
And, to make a long story short... and admit some fault on our part... over the past few weeks, the kids have been drawn to snowy and icy areas out by the woods. And I've even caught them sledding through the neighbor yard a couple of times :(

So, here's the kicker:
I woke up this morning, opened the curtains to see a lawn chair stretched out and open, on the edge of their yard, where a slight remainder of sledding trail once was. A subtle way of saying "don't come this way", I assume.

We came home this afternoon to see THREE lawn chairs open and stretched out along the property line.
Come on now, really?? I think we got the point with the first one.
And to think that they used the energy to drag two more chairs out, through the mud, to mark their territory? absurd.
And really? Are my kids actually going to be sledding in the mud today? (there is no snow left!)

This also reminds me of when they parked one of their cars at the very end of their driveway, for several months. And I ventured to think that it was just their way of keeping kids from cutting catty corner through their driveway on bikes or on foot.

Now, I realize that kids are loud. And that I'm pretty loud when I holler out the door. But are we really that much of a nuisance?
I keep my yard tidy and the kids put their bikes and toys away in the evenings. Are we really that bad to have as neighbors? Have we caused damage to their property or murdered their pets?
Not that I know of.

For goodness sakes.. go ahead and put up a real wall to accompany the relational one that already exists...
geez.

happier stuff

I realize that I always blog about the depressing stuff or the bad stuff... mostly because journaling is a great way to work through my feelings. Once it's typed out, I usually rest easier.
I'm going to attempt to post some happier stuff tonight.

I'm really happy that Christmas is over. I'm just not a fan anymore.
Well...I'm certainly a fan of Jesus' birth.... just not fan of everything that our society has done to His birth month.

Now that it's January, I'm happy that we are getting back into our routine. I've noticed that a few new pastimes have developed over the past few weeks.

-I have recently been CRAVING time with friends. (and that's probably an understatement.)
I've been blessed by Jamie and Scott who have come over on a regular basis to entertain me. I've also enjoyed time with out of town guests. It's been great! I love having company!
The boys and I enjoyed a show in Roanoke with some friends. And we've enjoyed skating, and a birthday party, at Funquest. Fun times.

-The young widows group that I have started seems to be a success. And I look forward to hanging out with these gals each month. In February we are going to try our luck at bowling! Can't wait!

-My goal is to start back to the gym this month.
But it seems like I've developed a couple of other habits instead.
*I've taken THREE naps over the past two weeks. It feels kind of liberating to make the conscious decision to do nothing for an afternoon.
*I've also been taking scalding hot baths before bed each night. (Thayer used to do this. I used to tease him... but I think it was just a defense against the icicles that I call "my feet". I sleep much better when I am thawed out.

Wow. By developing those two habits, I can feel the pounds just melting away. hah.
Luckily, the gym is on the agenda for next week. I know it'll only take a few trips before it, too, will become habit. I'm looking forward to being active again.

so. friends, fun, naps and baths. all happy things :)
I'm taking what I can get!
thanks everyone!

it's a new year.

This morning I wrote my first check of the new year... I noticed that my checkbook was empty so I needed to open a new box of checks.
And this new box of checks just has MY name on it. (I had previously been using the checks that still had Thayer's name on them)
Now it's just my name.... a blatant reminder of my current situation.

And it's also another quiet manner in which Thayer is slowly moving out of our daily lives. Sure, he's been gone for quite a while but there are little reminders of him everywhere.
One day, his name is on the checks, and the next day... not.
It's those little things that I tend to notice.

I heard a song today that put things back into perspective for me. Reminds me a bit of my Jeremiah 29:11.



Brandon Heath is one of my favs :-) He sang with Andrew Peterson in December... so that was a treat for me.

Here's to a great new year!