waiting

 43.  The age that I read the entire Bible for the first time.   All of it.... even the geneology parts!
My friend, Beth, turned me on to a Chronological Bible  that was a game changer for my Bible reading.   I have read the entire Bible this year as well as developed  a habit of looking forward to my time in the Word each day.   I wonder why it has taken me 43 years to get this excited about studying God's word?  I guess maturity has alot to do with it.... but reading the history in the correct order has been so eye opening to me!  

I started reading daily on January 1st.... and as I made my way through the Old Testament, I quickly confirmed to myself that the Old Testament is full of darkness, death and destruction.    

All winter I kept telling myself, "I can't wait till Jesus shows up!"   
"Just wait until the gospels.... and then I can read all about Jesus' time on earth."
"Once Jesus shows up, everything will change!" 

The days passed and the seasons changed.  I felt like I waited all year for Jesus to show up.    Then,  FINALLY on September 25th, Jesus was born.   I was so excited! The part of the story I had been waiting for was finally here!    I enjoyed catching up with Jesus stories until the story of His ascension happened on November 7th.   And I thought, "well... that was short lived."   

And the rest of the story is all about everyone waiting on Jesus again.

I've known all along that the Bible was a big story with Jesus at the center of it all. 
But now I have a clear understanding of how the Bible tells the story of waiting for Jesus.   Soooo much anticipation and waiting!   
Abraham's family waited for over 40 generations for Jesus to show up.   And here we are, still waiting for him, again.

I have recently heard two speakers use the phrase "between two advents".  (It was either the first I've heard this phrase OR the first time I actually paid attention to it.  Either way,  it stuck with me.)  

The first advent is what we celebrate every Christmas, Jesus come to earth as a babe. 
The second advent..... we're waiting on.... just as the apostles, after Jesus' ascension, were anticipating his return...  We're still in their shoes, stuck in between two advents.   

This is the first season of my life in which I really understand how the earth is groaning for Him and his future plans. (Romans 8:18-25).

This year, especially, I can feel the anticipation in the air.   I feel the need for Jesus in our society, in our churches, in our homes, in my heart.   I have an anxious longing for him this year.  I'm ready whenever He is.  

Come, Lord Jesus.

You, too, must be patient.  Take courage for the coming of the Lord is near.  James 5:8

And so, dear friends, while you are waiting for these things to happen, make every effort to be found living peaceful lives that are pure and blameless in his sight.  2 Peter 3:14

Covid diaries

I tested positive for Covid.

Don't worry!  By the time you read this..... my quarantine time is over and you, your family, your neighbors, your kids' school and your mailman are safe from any potential exposure.....from me.

I accepted long ago that we were all going to come down with Covid at some point and that it would run it's course.   
I am KEENLY aware that some people get REALLY sick with this thing.  In fact, as I have composed this over the past few weeks... one of my best friends is currently caring for her mother who is recovering from Covid AND anxiously awaiting daily hospital updates about her Dad who is fighting for his life against this virus.   I know this virus is big deal.... and I don't want to sound like I'm taking it lightly. I want to acknowledge that I am aware that it means life and death to a percentage of people....  And if you, or your loved one falls into that percentage.... it can be all consuming and life altering.  

 

However..... I, like the other 99.whatever percentage of people, have recovered and fared pretty well. 

I knew I had possibly, probably, been exposed by a relative of a friend, or the friend, or.... whoever I used the cart after at Food Lion that week.   The symptoms were no more than a severely mild head cold..... a dull sinus headache, stuffiness and 24 hours of body aches.  But the symptoms that tipped the scales was my total lack of taste and smell.    

The moral weight of  "do I go back to work" after feeling super mild symptoms was enormous.....so I went to get tested.   In ANY other reality, I would have just gone on with life as usual.    But in our current reality of guilt and fear of killing your family, friends and co-workers..... I took the high moral road and got tested...... put panic in whoever I had seen that week.....  And then put my family's life on hold for the next 14 days.     (a small price to pay in the grand scheme of things.... and I'm thankful that my symptoms were mild)

I'm still reeling about how Covid has put mass hysteria into our society.    I know I'll be shunned, perhaps crucified, for comparing it to the flu..... but seriously.... the flu, or any virus for that matter, works it's way through the population.   A virus is going to do it's damage.   But when was the last time that we had to contact trace and put witch hunts out for people every time someone gets sick?     Do we shut down entire businesses and keep spouses home from work if a stomach bug or flu goes through a household?     Imagine a society where someone gets the flu and in-turn ten healthy people can't go to work for weeks.   That is happening all around us and we're accepting it.    It blows my mind how we have overturned our entire way of life out of fear.    

  

Where is the church in all of this?!  Where is our faith?!  Where do we place our hope?!  Who holds us in the palm of His hands?!

It's true that researchers are learning more and more about this virus and I'm hopeful that some kind of resolution will come so that we can regain some normalcy in our society.

I have thought so much about our "new norm" over my quarantine and have raged about how inhumane some of our practices have become.   People are forbidden to visit the sick or the elderly.  

Dare I question the correlation of prolonged isolation and the rate of recovery... or quality of life?!

A friend posted this picture on Facebook and I have been thinking about it for a solid week.   His caption read, "You were NEVER safe.   That's not what life is."

This instantly reminded me of the quote from the Lion the Witch and the Wardrobe:

"Ooh" said Susan. "I'd thought he was a man. Is he-quite safe? I shall feel rather nervous about meeting a lion"..."Safe?" said Mr Beaver ..."Who said anything about safe? 'Course he isn't safe. But he's good. He's the King, I tell you."

God never promised that life would be safe.  

There is risk involved with living.    And living is good.

Each morning I take a walk along my road knowing that I could be hit by a distracted driver.   Each day I get in my car knowing that 40,000 people die each year in car accidents.   Each week I stop at the gas station to fill up my car.  (Have you read the warning signs on those pumps lately?!)

Despite my fear of someone drowning I took my kids to the lake every summer.   Knowing boys have tiny brains AND that Virginia has black bears.... I let my kids go camping with friends.   

The list goes on and on and on.  Life is full of risks.  And LIVING is worth it.

I have followed some of what Mike Rowe has to say about what he coined as "Safety Third".  Some of his opinion pieces have heavily influenced how I have perceived the last several months.  He speaks common sense about how we are responsible for our own safety, and about how living requires taking risks.

I'm all about taking care of our own, taking precautions as needed and looking out for our susceptible relatives.... but I'm NOT a fan of how our society has turned this virus into a reason to hide away, isolate, shun, and avoid contact with people. 
I am heartbroken for the amount of people who are suffering from isolation this year.  The mental health issues, child abuse,  loss of jobs, loss of friends, hunger, thoughts of suicide, those that will ail alone, and those that will die alone.    

Is our "saftey" worth all of that?

We are never safe.  That's not what living is all about.

flying

It was about a year ago, on a Saturday, that I asked Daniel to clean his room and reminded him that he was to start paying me $200/month for rent.    He boldly took out his wallet, handed me $200 in cash and told me he would be moving out on Monday.   

And.... just like that....  He flew the nest.

It's been a full year and I'm happy to say he's still making it on his own.   He and some friends live in a cute little house across the river.   He's working lots of hours, back at the pizza place where he started.   I haven't had to bail him out financially, or bail him out of jail----yet- so I'm very proud of him for the strides he has made this year.

Last February, which unbeknownst to us, would be Lucas' last full month of school, he came downstairs one evening and announced his decision to join the Air Force. He had put lots of thought into it and we were quite pleased with his reasoning.   Since he wasn't sure what he wanted to do with his life.... he knew it would be pointless to incur thousands of dollars of debt to attend college.    He weighed his options and knew that joining the service would give him valuable job training and great benefits while getting paid.  After his time in the military, he knows that he would be able to pursue college for free.  I think it's a win-win, with whatever he decides to do long term.    I was impressed that he came up with all of that on his own.... and of course I'm a very proud mama.

The summer passed and Lucas pursued every inch of what the AirForce had to offer stayed up all night playing video games, slept till 2pm every day, and went to work in the evenings.    This continued till his 18th birthday.  (who am I kidding....he's still asleep as I type this at 1:30pm.)
Anyway....

September rolled around and I reminded him that his 18th birthday was upon us.  He was to either contact a recruiter..... or start paying me rent.   

Low and behold.... he turned 18, contacted the recruiter and got the ball rolling.   He has spent the last two months meeting with the recruiter and gaining weight.    He took the ASVAB (entry test) several weeks ago and scored a 95%..... which I hear is outstanding.  (proud mom again).

November 10, 2020

And it's official!  Last week.... he was sworn into the Air Force.    He is currently sorting through job opportunities with his recruiter and I can assume he'll be shipping out to basic in a few months.

Lucas has been very vague when we ask him for details.   

I can only assume that one Saturday he will clean his room for the last first time and announce that he'll be leaving on Monday.

And... just like that.... the nest will be empty.

hospitality

I just finished reading The Gospel Comes with a House Key: Practicing Radically Ordinary Hospitality in Our Post-Christian World, by Rosaria Butterfield.

There is no way I can paraphrase the main point of the book but let's say that it took me down a path of reminiscing days gone by.

I can recall my previous life circumstances, my previous homes, and the exorbitant amount of hospitality given and received over many years.   I have felt so much love in the homes of others and I have enjoyed filling my home with people as well.

At my last residence, I thrived when the house was full of laughter and energy.   Some of my favorite memories were fixing lunches for the neighborhood kids, kid sleepovers, movie nights, game nights, a snow day sleepover, nights by the campfire, kids running up and down the stairs, inviting my neighbors and friends to just come and hang out.
I spent many hours on porches and at kitchen tables talking, dreaming.      My Sunday Night Ladies group was birthed around my table and those ladies have been my lifeline.

I have always loved having overnight house guests as well.  Friends coming to visit, people needing a place to stay in town, or family coming for holidays.  I used to blow up air mattresses or put people on couches as needed.   Many people have endured the sub-zero temps in my old basement (with only a handful of complaints).     I may not have had the fanciest of houses... but I always wanted to extend an open door policy.

Mi casa, su casa.
I always give the disclaimer that I'm not the best host.... because I might forget the basic needs of guests.... but I always want people to  make themselves at home and feel welcome. 

Upon finishing the book..... I wondered what has happened to our society?!   The year 2020 has attempted to evaporate the simpliest definition of hospitatily.    We are shamed for gathering people together.   The art of hospitality is frowned upon.   Families are told not to gather for holidays.   We might kill our Grandparents if we have a meal together.   The guilt that has been attached to persuing our basic human needs is astounding to me.  

 God calls us to be hospitable.     The Bible describes hospitality as the inviting in of strangers, the inclusion of outcasts.     I'm certainly not the best at that.... but I want to start somewhere.   How can it be possible to make connections with the "outcasts' if we aren't even allowed to make connections with the people we know and love?     What does our new "normal" look like?!    I'm not willing to accept it.

I'm only months away from having an empty nest and I've been pondering what I can do once the house is quiet.    How can I be hospitible to those in need?  What does God want us to do with the extra space and time?  What's my next mission?

I recently created a lovely little guest room in Daniel's old space.  It's my first official guest room and I'm pretty giddy about it.

 I'm ready!  Who's coming to visit?!

for the birds

During my recent beach vacation I was entralled with little seaside birds that stood on one foot.  Upon some Googling, I believe that the little birds I saw were Sanderlings.

(These are clearly not standing on one foot...but you get the idea)

Sanderling

Sanderling (Calidris alba) is a small wading bird in the Canadian Arctic which winter in Myryle Beach and further south. The winter bird is very pale, almost white apart from a dark shoulder patch. Later in the summer, the face and throat become brick-red. The sanderling is a small plump sandpiper 7.1 to 7.9 inches long weighing 1.4 to 3.5 ounces. They arrive in Myrtle Beach between August and October and migrate north for breeding in May to June.

Credit: Myrtle Beach Birds

These fluffy little birds were hopping around the surf on one leg.  Even when I approached them, they remained on one foot and hopped casually away.   When the water encroached upon them, they weren't phased.   I was amazed how they kept their balace amidst the water and the shifting sand.     It turns out that birds tuck a foot up to keep warm.... but that doesn't explain how their little round bodies are designed to be so intricately balanced. 

When I take the time to recognize how perfectly birds are created.... I am always reminded of the passage in the Bible that tell us not to worry:

 “Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothes?  Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they?  Can any one of you by worrying add a single hour to your life?  Matthew 6:25-27

The Bible tells us that not a single sparrow falls to the ground without God's knowledge.  The very hairs on our heads are numbered.  So don't be afraid: you are more valuable to God than a whole flock of sparrows.   Matthew 10:30

Countless birds just do their thing every day. No worries.  They aren't worried about illness, social unrest, politics, man-made dilemnas.   God provides them with food, water, shelter and innate behaviors that help their survival.       

How are we so overcome with the worries of this world?!
We are more valuable than a whole flock of birds!    God certainly looks out for us!

Ah.... if only to live like the Sanderlings.... steady, even on one foot, hopping over the waves and remaining balanced in the shifting sand..... knowing the Creator will supply all of our needs.

friendships

You may recall that I had an existential crisis, in April, regarding my role in relationships.
It appears that my new job has amplified the situation.   I have come to realize that my previous life gave me plenty of time to nurture relationships and plan activities with family and friends.  I was a social butterfly.... every day.
Now...I can empathize with folks who don't have that flexibility.   I'm only clocking about 31 hours each week but the scheduled hours have killed my vibe.   I currently have a list of people on my fridge that I would love to see, hoping to schedule some time with one or two people each month.  

However, I also keep reminding myself that the texts go both ways.  (please don't call!  lol)
Should I beat myself up about neglecting people that obviously don't have the same sentiment?  How much weight do I need to carry in a relationship? 
I dunno.

A friend and I recently talked about some of our past friendships. 
I find it very hard to accept that friendships come and go.  I consider myself a very loyal person....and would never intentially desert someone. (The relationships that I mourn the most have been diluted because of distance and time.)   
However, my friend and I can look back and see how God placed certain people in our lives at just the right time, for just the right purpose.   God was weaving together our stories with a colorful tapestry of people.  Some of the friends are here for a lifetime, others are only here for a season.  

I just finished watching the 9th season of Call the Midwife.*   Turns out that one of the episodes focused on this very topic.   To quote the narrator in the episode.....

"Sometimes our lives overlap with others only briefly.  We share troubles, or laughter, or learning, and then move on.  Afterwards all we will hold in common is a memory. 
The chapter passes like a storm, or sunshine, or an ordinary day. 
But the heavens always send us something new...  A chance, a lease of life, a soulmate, or a friend. 

And the best... like love itself...fly back to us...in us it makes a home."

I guess we need to sit back and let God do his handiwork in our relationships.  We can certainly nurture the ones in the forefront.... and give thanks for the people who God has placed along our path.

*Highly recommended.  One of the best TV dramas I have viewed.   I find myself smiling, really smiling in each episode.   And more often than not I have found myself tearing up weeping at some point during each season.  

career change

 

This is the first time in 15 years that I didn't experience a "back to school" season.    Zero school for my own children and zero preschool for myself.     In a way, there is SO much relief in that..... especially with all of the crazy regulations and changes due to Covid-19.  I consider myself, and my boys, blessed that we didn't have to navigate all of these changes.   It's been astounding to hear the various stories from friends and families as to what they are having to do for their young children.  It's such a shame for our society and I fear that the younger kids will be picking up the pieces for years to come.

This is also the first time in 23 years that I haven't worked with children.   Be it full time daycare, the 7 years as a stay-at-home mom, or my 13 years at preschool.   My "career" has been kids.  Every day.... kids... in some shape or fashion.   

I always wanted to be a mom.... and I went to school to work with kids.  My entire adult life has revolved around caring for children.

Suddenly I find myself with grown children and working at a fast food restaurant.  
When I applied for the new job, I listed "career change" on the application.    And now it hits me that YES, this is quite the career change.... or better yet.... a life change.

What better time than mid-life to try something new?  Right?!  lol.

I knew going in to the job that I was older and perhaps a bit much slower than the young kids that I work with. I  quickly realized that it would a huge adjustment.  But seriously.... the first week.... I wondered what I had gotten myself in to!  It was much harder than I expected!

On the night of September 10th, I came home after a 9 hours shift.  Greg asked me how my day was.... and it was the FIRST time I was able to say "...... Great!"   
Turns out that September 10th was EXACTLY one month since I had stared on August 10th.    It took me one month to feel comfortable at a new place.  One month to learn faces and names.    One month to be confident with a few of the responsibilites.   There are still SO many things for me to be trained to do, and to learn.... but I am so relieved that I am feeling settled and more confident each day!     
Turns out that you CAN teach an old dog new tricks!  

I guess I can call it a win that I have taken everything I've known for my adult life, thrown it out of the window, started fresh, and somehow still manage to feel a bit settled after just one month.   
Not gonna lie.... it has been a HARD month... But I'm hopeful for the time ahead of me. 
We'll see what shakes out.

important dates

Greg's super power is remembering dates.   He can recall dates of occassions, he can recall dates that movies and music were released.   He has a "Rain Man" type of recollection for dates and numbers.

I, on the otherhand, do NOT.   There are only several dates that I can easily recall.

1977, born

1995, graduated HS

1999, married to Thayer

2000, first child

2002, second child

2004, moved away from town

2007 moved back to town

2008 Thayer died

2017 Married to Greg

In the past I have always documented my thoughts about getting older, as well as my thoughts each year around Thayer's death....basically to remember how old I am and to keep my memory in check.

This year the dates came and went and I wanted to write.   I wanted to write about being 43..... to write about 12 years without Thayer.... and how he would have been 50 this year.     

 I did not write.

Who would have thought this would be such a distracting year.   And such a pivotal year in so many ways.

2020. We will remember this year.

2020.  I turned 43.   

2020.  Thayer has been gone 12 years. Still seems so surreal.   

(2008 will always be my most pivotal year.)

2020.  I left my job of 13 years to pursue a fast food job.   I was told by a co-worker that it is a "young person's job".    (I can feel that, for sure.)    And who would have guessed that I would be in a new "career" at age 43.

2020 could not have been predicted by ANY of us back in 2015.   I can imagine this year has thrown those "5 year planners" for a huge loop.  

What's your 5 year plan?

 I find that question impossible to ponder over.   So much can happen in five years.   So much can happen.... in an instant.

I'm sure God giggles at our plans.... maybe even belly laughs.

This year has certainly been a doozy.   We'll just add it to our list of memorable dates and pray that we'll have many more.

God's plan for us is perfect....even when we are not.

 Now listen, you who say, “Today or tomorrow we will go to this or that city, spend a year there, carry on business and make money.” Why, you do not even know what will happen tomorrow. What is your life? You are a mist that appears for a little while and then vanishes.  Instead, you ought to say, “If it is the Lord’s will, we will live and do this or that.”  As it is, you boast in your arrogant schemes. All such boasting is evil.

James 4:13-16

burn the ships

I sat in a group interview and declared "change of career" as a reason for pursuing the job.      

I have never considered myself a career oriented person.   

Leaving my job of the past 13 years is a huge decision and I guess it IS a career change.    

I went to school, ages ago, and obtained that early childhood development degree so that I could work with kids.  That's all I've known for....forever.

The past 13 years I haven't logged many hours in a building but I have logged countless hours of planning, thinking, preparing, and bearing the weight of emotionally supporting children and families.   

I've been teased for "not working" because of my easy schedule, but I am also fully aware that I worked harder during my 18-20 hours in the building than some people work all week at other jobs.

My co-workers were fabulous.  Every day.   Best group of ladies that anyone could ask for.    

After my resignation I came to terms with just how important these ladies have been to me.     These ladies have been a part of my entire story.    They grieved with me and supported me following Thayer's death, they encouraged me during my years of solo parenting, they celebrated with me upon my new love and marriage.   My co-workers- friends-  have been a steady force through all of my big life changes.

It was a huge decision to leave my job and my co-workers.  To leave the comfort and predictability of everything I've known.  However, I have a complete peace about it.
God has been playing the song, "Burn the Ships" by For King and Country, in my mind for weeks.   It has been such an encouragement as I move forward.

The song is based upon the artist's personal experience as well as the histoical incident during the Spanish conquest of Mexio in 1519 AD, where a Spanish commander landed his ships on enemy shores unaware of what awaited his arrival.  To ensure that the men were committed to their mission, he proclaimed, "Burn the ships!".   This song is "very much dedicated to the whole concept of no retreat, to very aggressively leave the past in the past and move forward." *

So....here I am...."burning the ships" and starting a new adventure.   I'm thankful for where I have been but I'm looking forward to my next chapter!

*song background from Wikipedia :)

fear or faith

Over the past few months, I have used the phrase "fear over faith" on countless occassions.   I have used it when referring to religious organizations, friends, and even family members.  

I have watched people who claim to be Christ followers cower silently in our current social climate; Bowing to the propaganda and not to the Creator.  

I recently realized, in the wee hours of the night, that I too have been caught up in a fear. 
Not fear of a virus, not fear of racism, not fear of unruly streets, not fear of our political climate.... but a fear of being called "ignorant, small minded, selfish, inconsiderate".     I am NOT those things.... but it appears that people who share their opinion, ANY opinion, are basically crucified for having thier own thoughts.  Even in silence, people are being judged.  There are no winners.
So...  I have basically kept quiet, except ranting to the ears of close friends.

I've said all along that Satan is doing his best to divide us.  No doubt.  It's not about black/white or masks/no masks or school/no school or cops/no cops....It's about good and evil.  There is a spiritual battle going on and Satan is sitting back with a big ol' grin on his face.  I'm sure he's thinking.... "That was easy."    I'm stunned at how Christians fell right into the plan.    

 I'm just as guilty as the next guy.   For months I grumbled and complained.... but upon recent study of 2 Timothy, I was reminded to avoid quarrels and to love, as Chirst loves us.  That was such a simple reminder!.... but an excellent re-set for me after months of uncertainty.

I don't have fear, or worry, about our current climate.  None of this is a surprise to God.  I rest knowing that all of this mess is His plan.  Somehow for our benefit.  That's the entire purpose of our faith.   Having trust and confidence in God....even when we can't see Him, or understand His ways.

 Knowing that many people would say, a "loving" God would not let this happen in America or across our globe... I say, "why not?"   We are no different than the tribes and cities that God destroyed in Bible times....brazen with our idolatry and sin.   
Christians are aware that things will get crazier before Christ returns.    We need to walk boldly in to what Christ calls us to do. 

A friend recently wrote to me, "Satan would want nothing more than you to sit idol."   That was a kick in the butt for me.   I instantly felt the need to get back to writing.   Share my thoughts.  Remind believers to be the light.     We, as a faith community need to stop with the devisive speech.    We need to love our neighbors.... all of them.    We are the only Jesus that many people will ever see.  Are we standing bold in our faith and pointing others to Christ?  

Or are we cowering in our bubbles... and simply hoping to make it out alive.   That's not really our mission, is it?

I have been so focused on saying the phrase "fear over faith" these past few months.
How about considering "faith over fear"?!

Let's choose that.

A friend shared this last night on Facebook.    How perfect!

corona crisis

I just counted 45 entries in my "corona virus journal".   

Forty five days ago, I found myself suddenly out of school and very alone at home.  (It's been business at usual for the others in my household).
In order to maintain my sense of balance I have gotten up each day, made my bed, had my yoga practice, taken a walk, read my Bible, showered and dressed for the day....  Every day.... for the past 45 days.

By the time I complete my morning routine, it's time for lunch.   I have made a point to have something scheduled each day.  Errands, house projects, picking up popcorn from the Venue, getting take-out, and maybe some secret time with a friend or two.

In the beginning of this mess, even with my routine and scheduled days, I had some really low moments.  

Dare I say I had an existential crisis?!    

I was left alone all day, and most of the night, with my own thoughts.   I was aware when Satan was whispering lies to me, and also recognized when God was shouting truth in the other ear.   

 

Here was my dilemna:

I have always been the "party planner", the "social/cruise director".    I love people.  I love to gather people.   My days and weeks were scheduled around social events and spending time with people.  

Then BAM.  I was unable to plan.  Unable to gather.  Unable to be social.  

Unable to be who I AM.

I was worried about the folks that I would be unable to see for an extended amount of time!   I was worried about my friends who would be stuck at home.  How would their mental health be? What would I do to remedy the fact that I can't plan gatherings?  Gosh, I was gonna miss conversations and laughing, and hanging out!   How can I keep people connected?

Whoa, whoa, whoa.    

All of these questions suddenly gave me pause.   Because....  Here I was... all alone and worried about not connecting with people..... and I realized that it was eerily quiet over here.    Where were all of those people I was dying to communicate with? 

(crickets.)

Over the first few weeks, I received one card from a friend who acknowledged I might be having a tough time being home from work, and two other friends reached out with the same sentiments, noting that it was probably hard for an extrovert, like me, to be secluded.

Turns out that my introvert friends were doing fine.... or else they were totally overwhelmed with working from home and schooling children.  (I get that)

But as I thought about my relationships.... I had a LOT of time to evaulate my role in many of them.  How many of my relationships do I carry?   If I didn't initate or plan something.... would I ever hear from some of my friends? 

Gosh.... this is so horrible to type!

Anywho, I have gained clarity about it all as the weeks have passed.   I have decided I'm going to approach a few things differently when we all get back to "normal".

My existential crisis has boiled down to the fact that I have decided I am much more than the "cruise director".   God abruptly stripped me of my title in order for me to realize that my worth isn't found in how much I plan, or initiate, or do.   This quiet time has slowed me down.  I'm hoping I can learn to nuture the important things, and the important relationships as time moves on.

I think this time of quarantine has reset all of us.

Did all of our previous excess and busyness really accomplish anything?

I pray that when life resumes.... our new normal will look a little slower and a little more focused.
I'm not saying that I won't be the first in line at my favorite restaurants.... with all of my friends in tow... but maybe, just maybe, I will slow it down a bit and relish those people- and those moments-more than ever before.   

the fast.

The pastor encouraged the congregation to fast from something for 21 days. 

 I knew right away that I wanted to fast from mindless scrolling on Facebook.

As for fasting….God tells us not to talk about it.    Jesus was pretty clear about it in Matthew 6:6-18.

But here I go....I'm gonna tell you my experience even though I know better.   May God have mercy and hopefully use this story for good.  ;)

Facebook.  

It’s nearly impossible to get away from once you're connected   There are several Facebook groups that I am a part of, or am the administrator of... so unplugging entirely was out of the question.      

I made the decision to "fast" from the scrolling of all social media.   I removed the facebook app from my phone’s home page and removed Instagram entirely.   

I sign on to Facebook one time each day to catch up on the group posts.    

It’s been over a month and I’m still in the habit!    I’m thrilled to say that I spend less than a minute on Facebook each day, and I haven’t missed Instagram at all.  

yeah, imagine that! 

My deal with God was that if I felt like scrolling, I would take the time to pray for family and friends.  Turns out, I failed at that.  However I have freed up an additional 30 minutes each morning that I spend in Bible reading and study.   This has been illuminating, and I have a fresh desire to learn God's Word.

There is one downside to this fast that I didn't see coming. 
I found myself bored and lonely!   It's hard to be the only person in a house that's not looking at a screen.    I was craving conversation that didn't revolve around a meme or an online article. 
Now, more than ever, I realize that I am such a relational person.   I love quality time and quality conversations with my friends. 
I'm currently in the process of finding ways to fill my down time:  Daily walks, reading an actual book, a new jigsaw puzzle, resuming lunch dates with friends.

If anything, this past month has been an unexpected learning experience.  (I guess that's one of the benefits of a fast, eh?) 
I am being stretched- emotionally- as I am learning to evaluate and assess how I'm spending my time.
I am slowly, uncomfortably, figuring out how to be alone (with people present) and still content.
I am learning more about God, and putting more thought into how I can glorify Him in my daily habits. 
Relying on Him to always fulfill my needs.

Kicking the social media habit was huge, I suppose....But now.... taking my life back and making it meaningful....that is the real challenge!