the fast.

The pastor encouraged the congregation to fast from something for 21 days. 

 I knew right away that I wanted to fast from mindless scrolling on Facebook.

As for fasting….God tells us not to talk about it.    Jesus was pretty clear about it in Matthew 6:6-18.

But here I go....I'm gonna tell you my experience even though I know better.   May God have mercy and hopefully use this story for good.  ;)

Facebook.  

It’s nearly impossible to get away from once you're connected   There are several Facebook groups that I am a part of, or am the administrator of... so unplugging entirely was out of the question.      

I made the decision to "fast" from the scrolling of all social media.   I removed the facebook app from my phone’s home page and removed Instagram entirely.   

I sign on to Facebook one time each day to catch up on the group posts.    

It’s been over a month and I’m still in the habit!    I’m thrilled to say that I spend less than a minute on Facebook each day, and I haven’t missed Instagram at all.  

yeah, imagine that! 

My deal with God was that if I felt like scrolling, I would take the time to pray for family and friends.  Turns out, I failed at that.  However I have freed up an additional 30 minutes each morning that I spend in Bible reading and study.   This has been illuminating, and I have a fresh desire to learn God's Word.

There is one downside to this fast that I didn't see coming. 
I found myself bored and lonely!   It's hard to be the only person in a house that's not looking at a screen.    I was craving conversation that didn't revolve around a meme or an online article. 
Now, more than ever, I realize that I am such a relational person.   I love quality time and quality conversations with my friends. 
I'm currently in the process of finding ways to fill my down time:  Daily walks, reading an actual book, a new jigsaw puzzle, resuming lunch dates with friends.

If anything, this past month has been an unexpected learning experience.  (I guess that's one of the benefits of a fast, eh?) 
I am being stretched- emotionally- as I am learning to evaluate and assess how I'm spending my time.
I am slowly, uncomfortably, figuring out how to be alone (with people present) and still content.
I am learning more about God, and putting more thought into how I can glorify Him in my daily habits. 
Relying on Him to always fulfill my needs.

Kicking the social media habit was huge, I suppose....But now.... taking my life back and making it meaningful....that is the real challenge!

social

The boys and I just finished watching Goosebumps .     Which is a movie based on R.L. Stine and his frightful characters that inhabit his kid friendly,  yet scary, books.
The movie was much more suspenseful than I had imagined to accompany a PG rating.   Overall I thought it was a fun film that probably should have gotten more publicity.
Anywho.  
Watching a story about a writer reminded me that I haven't written anything in quite a while.

The month of December I wallowed in introspection about my social life and grumbled to observe that I am the social director of my circle of friends.   If I don't plan it... it doesn't happen.    I teetered back and forth with agitation and loneliness and then gave in to the fact that..... as my friends later put it... I am the "sun".    Apparently everyone orbits around me.    Ha.
I can either fall apart under the weight of that responsibility, or I can become vain enough to realize that I am the center.
I laugh.

Through it all I've reevaluated some relationships and it's been a good process.

After an entire month of non-hosting and non-planning, and non-socializing, I jumped back in a few weeks ago.   It was a slow sunrise.  (hehehe)..... but I've decided that being a hermit doesn't suit me.

This week, we've been reveling in snow days, home from work and school.     I had two friends and their boys spend two nights at our house.    A snowed-in sleepover has kinda become our yearly tradition.    We have a blast, until we don't, and everyone goes home.     I really do love having company.
Today, when everyone left, my boys and I resumed our quiet routine of video gaming and Netflixing. It was a nice transition as we anticipate going back to reality later this week.

enough

I've had a week.   A great week  A fun week.  A messy week.   An angry week.  A sad week.  A lazy week.  

 I have wept over Thayer's absence.   I have shed tears for my boys.  I have lost my temper.    I have yelled.  I have made huge mistakes.   I have lectured.   I have used harsh language.  I have battled loneliness.  I have felt defeated. I have failed people I love.     I have laughed with friends.  I have walked miles.  I have sat for hours.  I have neglected my chores.   I have stood until my feet ached.  I have worked.  I have slept.  I have grumbled.    I have praised.
I have been chasing something.

I just don't know what.

After a week of disconnect and confusion.... it's interesting that God had to use a Facebook post and a movie to remind me of what I've known along.    Tonight he shouted at me and said,
 "You're enough!"
 Those exact words.   He's been whispering this over and over for the past few months.
I get it now, God.
 I'm enough.

Even though I often feel like my world is crumbly and crazy, and I just don't know what path I'm on...

I am enough.

This coming week I will cry.  I will lose my temper.  I will lecture.  I will curse.   I will be lonely.   I will make mistakes.   I will laugh.   I will walk.  I will sit.  I will work.  I will praise.

I will be enough.
Because I am loved.

and so it continues

I find it hard to believe that even after four years...

I sat in church today and wondered:

"I wonder if this is just a really long dream.  What if I wake up tomorrow and Thayer is here?  Would I remember this being a dream?  
Would time have passed since I last saw Thayer, and would that make me appreciate him more?  Or would I wake up with no memory of his absence? 
It's possible that God could do that.  You know... make a  new day tomorrow... where Thayer is here.  But I suppose that God would have to erase my memory of the last four years.  
God would have to replace my memory with things that happened if Thayer had been here for the last four years. 
Or... He would have me wake up four years ago, as if time hasn't passed.  Daniel and Lucas would be little again.   No one else would know that I had this dream.  Maybe I wouldn't even remember it.  We'd be just a normal family again.  I wonder how we would turn out?"

I used to daydream about God changing his mind about it all and calling a Mulligan.  I knew He could if He wanted to.
But... four years later... I'm pretty sure that this situation is permanent.

Interestingly enough.  Tonight while Lucas was straightening his room I saw that he was gazing at a picture of himself and Thayer.   I said "Are you looking at your handsome daddy?"  And he said, "yes... I wish that he were still here."

I guess the wishing never gets old.

good grief

As I've mentioned before, there are a gazillion blogs devoted to widows. I seem to run across a new one every few days. It's way to many to keep up with but there are a few that I follow on a regular basis.
It's interesting to see that the 'popular' bloggers have tons of 'followers'. And that these bloggers have become quite the celebrities in the widow world. There are blogs, facebook groups,facebook discussion groups, live online chats, guest bloggers, retreats, camps, etc. etc.
It's nice to know that technology is being used to connect so many people who would otherwise feel alone in their grief. These sites have been a good thing for a ton of people.

I'm starting to wonder if there is money to be made in widow support groups. :)

More so, I am noticing that many of these 'celebrity widows' are several years into their grief. Some may be 4 or 5 years out. Some are remarried.
This makes me realize that widowhood isn't something to outgrow or get-over.
These women still have genuine, raw thoughts about the death of their husbands.
They are able to blog about death and grieving in such a way that I, and other widows, can totally relate. It is helpful to see that other widows are just as crazy, or more crazy than myself. Many of the blogs are funny and salted with dark humor... that only widows would appreciate.

Sometimes I wonder if I blog too much about poor little me, the pitiful lonely widow. But I have decided that it's okay to share my thoughts. Certainly not for pity... but just to simply get it out there. out of my head. And maybe, just maybe, a few others can relate.

You guys know that I'm doing amazingly well. And that day to day, things are fine.
But deep down, I'm hurting. Who wouldn't be?
This time of year is especially lonely for me.

and...
...I have no idea how I intended to finish this post...


The end.
:)

not quite a thrill ride

Widowhood is a roller coaster. The ups and downs come whether you want them to or not. I'm learning to tighten the Harness and roll with it.

After Thayer's death, I kept thinking, "Surely God doesn't want me to be alone for the next 60 years! I really want to get remarried!"

Fast forward almost two years:

Just a few weeks ago, I confidently told a fellow widow that I was "content". We were discussing the hot topic of dating.
I had, over a period of time, come to accept the fact that I may never remarry.

Let's face it...I'm not out trying to pick up men... And I have absolutely NO desire to try the online stuff. I figure that if God wants someone to show up... He'll send someone my way.

My widow friend said something cute like, "you can't find what you're not looking for"... (or something like that)
She may have a good point... but I'll take my chances.

Sure enough... a few days after my "content" conversation... I had a weeping session thinking about how lonely I was.

I had to go back to my friend and tell her that I was a liar. Certainly not an intentional liar.
But just in a matter of days, the bottom dropped out and I was sent plummeting downhill. My contentness fell prey to loneliness.

And it's not the kind of loneliness that can be filled by extended family and friends.
And I'm not talking about intimate stuff either...(so get your mind out of the gutter!)

I'm talking about the loneliness that needs to stay up late and talk about mundane moments from her day...the loneliness that wants to be taken care of, the loneliness that needs a second opinion on house projects, the loneliness who needs help with household chores and meal ideas, and who aches for help disciplining the kids... because she never signed up to do this alone.
This is the kind of loneliness that misses having an escort from the basement to the bedroom after a scary movie (because you never know what might be hiding under the stairs!)
Missing a best friend. Missing the constant. Just missing.

So last night, this "content" gal started to earnestly pray for God to prepare a man for our family.
We'll see how it plays out.