the scratch

I jokingly said that I have the seven year itch.   Greg and I will be married 7 years in July.   My body and mind are going through perimenopause, I have become apathetic to much. I work, I tend to the house, I visit Dad.   I was looking for some type of change.   I've been feeling unsettled.

I started looking at houses on Zillow.  And in turn, Zillow started sending me emails about houses that I might like.   I downloaded the Zillow app.   I would look at houses every day and dream about land in the country, and look for that pond that Greg says he wants.   Emails, app glances, searches.   Total time wasters.

Greg and I talk about traveling.   We've done several trips to Civil War sights these past several months but there's nothing else planned till September.   
I always dream about traveling when Greg retires and I've always said that our cat, Mally, will be our last pet... that I won't be tied down by some animal.

Make note that on the night of May 6th, 2024 Greg and I were kind of discussing this animal thing and he boldly stated that he ALWAYS wants to have a cat.   So I suggested that we'd need to get another cat to "overlap" Mally's lifespan and fill in once Mally is gone. 
I didn't mean it of course.  I don't want another animal.

The morning of May 7th, 2024 I'm out for my morning walk and hear crying beside the road.  Low and behold... a lone kitten. 

I paced and paced, not sure what to do.  Our road is rather busy.  I called the vet who confirmed that I should leave it there in case the mama was in the process of relocating her kittens.... BUT I shouldn't leave it there overnight.   

I left that cat there for a least 8 hours before Greg and I reluctantly scooped it up.

The next day, the vet came into the exam room and exclaimed,
"God gave you a kitten!!!"

This kitten happened to be a girl that appeared to be just under 4 weeks old and weighed a whooping .79lb.   

A few days later, drowning in kitten formula, cat toys, a make-shift litter box, and baby supplies, we settled on the name "Dixie".

meet Dixie

I have since deleted the Zillow app from my phone.   Ain't nobody got time for house hunting when a kitten is wreaking havoc.
I am a creature of habit.... and this creature is totally ruining my life.   
I know she will grow fast and things will settle down around the house.... but for now, I guess this will give me something new to focus on.

God sure works in mysterious ways.  

phone a friend

 

Can we just talk about how sweet it is to have good friends?

My car broke down last week...it died on the side of a busy highway.  I was calm, yet frazzled.   I was on the way to meet a dear friend in a neighboring town for dinner, and the only thing on my mind was that I didn't want to miss my time with her!
Thankfully the car gave out just-shy of the exit to the restaurant, and I knew I could simply call her to come to my rescue.   (I am so thankful it didn't break down on the curvy backroads closer to home!)
Greg was tied up at work and we agreed that I would go to dinner and then worry about the car.

Sandra came to find me on the side of the road.   She was determined to help me resolve the car situation and get me home afterwards.
I didn't like the thought that she was opting out of the Maundy Thursday service, at her church, to deal with my breakdown. 
(read that as the car breakdown....or my emotional state.  Honestly... both.)

We shared a meal and caught up on life as I attempted to calm myself.    I'm the kind of person that knows everything will work out fine....but in the midst of change or uncertainty, my adrenaline sometimes kicks into overtime.  
Towards the end of the meal, Sandra's son called to say that the church service had been canceled, because the church building was without power! 
What are the chances?   That really cleared up her evening.... as if God was like, "go ahead... you're not missing anything here".  lol.   

God continued to pave a way for our evening:
Sandra's husband recommended a tow guy that was responsive and QUICK on the scene! 
Here's the kicker though.... when the tow guy loaded the car up and said he typically only takes cash payments.... I was dumbfounded..... who carries cash?!   He then said he would take a check..... who carries checks?!

You know who carries checks?? 
Sandra. 😁  And..... she had randomly put an EXTRA check in her wallet that day.
Talk about a God wink.   

My car went off to the shop and Sandra drove waaayy out of her way to get me home that night.   As were were driving, we discussed that despite the car breaking down, God had orchestrated a rather smooth evening.    We were so thankful for the beautiful weather and our time together.

I thank God for Sandra.   She is consistent.   She always looks for the good, and brings positivity to every situation.   She reminds me that God has his hand over all circumstances.   She notices His blessings.
She's totally the kind of person who stops to smell the roses.   (She literally stopped to look at flowers in the parking lot!)   She is a joy.

I am so blessed.

Pat Coleman

 I first met Pat over lunch at Charley's, a local restaurant, back in 2016.   Greg had brought me to meet his mother.  I was the new girl in his life and I was curious how his mother would take to me.   
Pat was instantly kind and welcoming.   My first impression of her was that she was stylish and poised.
As time progressed and it looked like I'd be sticking around, Pat accepted me as a new daughter-in-law and embraced the thought of having my boys as new grandchildren.   I loved that I never doubted where I stood with her.  She made me feel part of the family and was always inquisitive and inclusive of my boys.

Being the newest member of the Coleman family, I only had the pleasure of knowing Pat for 8 years. Such a small blip compared to the long running Coleman clan... But I feel like we experienced a lot of life together in that time.   As we became familiar with each other, I realized that Pat could cut-up like the rest of us, and she had a good sense of humor.   
I always appreciated that she would often have my back when we were teasing Greg or lecturing him about his quirky husband behaviors.   She would tell him to treat me right!... but somehow in the same sentence manage to defend her baby boy.   Sometimes I think she thought Greg hung the moon.  😆

I was blessed to share countless meals with Pat over the years.  I remember lunches at Cracker Barrel, celebrations with family, and her massive craving for Chick-Fil-A these past few years.
There was a point in time when we were having her over for dinner each week.   I had a running dialogue with Greg that no matter what I cooked she would always manage to talk about how she would have served, or prepared, it differently.  She never meant any insult.... but I guess that's just typical daughter-in-law insecurity.  😟
It's true though....she was a great cook!.... and I will never live up to her expertise in the kitchen.   That lady could fry up some chicken!.... and her salmon cakes are unmatched.  

Pat had such a sweet tooth.   The Summer of Covid, 2020- Pat went to the beach with me, Greg and Lucas.   We made a special detour to get donuts, just for Pat.    She was also craving funnel cake that week, so we searched out a funnel cake stand and Lucas proceeded to run several blocks, in pouring rain, to obtain the funnel cake for Nanny Pat.   He insisted that she HAD to have it!  I love that memory.  
And none of us will forget her chocolate shakes from Chick-Fil-A.  

That same summer, we realized that Pat had not been "swimming" in many years.  She was determined to give it a try and came to the pool one evening.   I remember that we all laughed hysterically when she realized that she couldn't quite stand up in the pool.   She was a bit more fragile than we thought, and her legs just kept floating out from under her.  I was so tickled.  That was quite an experience for her.

When Pat was diagnosed with cancer in 2022, I helped her around the house for a year until she hired a professional cleaner, who she later raved about to me...  "She does such a great job really vacuuming underneath things".   (haha.  Guess I missed that mark, as with the cooking.  😂)
The best part about me helping her out (to the best of my ability) was that I got to spend some one-on-one time with her.   We were able to have talks about family, friends, life and death.    I think we kept conversation very real between us and I am so thankful for her outlook on life and her expression of faith.

Pat loved her family.   She adored her late husband, Lewis, whom I wish I could have met.   I'm pretty sure that he is the one who hung the moon..... although she shared some stories about Lewis that explain a few of Greg's quirks.😆  
Over the years I observed how Pat maintained unique relationships with each family member.   She had a special way of interacting with each of her children, her special nieces, and her grandchildren.   Nanny Pat was a precious matriarch to her family.    We all loved her support and stability.   
Pat will be dearly missed.

Until we meet again. 💕

The funnel cake!
Summer 2020

Surprise visit from Lucas
August 2021

Pat's 81st bday
January 2022

The night "swim" 😂 
Summer 2020

Hallelujah

I had two heavy visits yesterday.   

Somehow the same song was playing on the radio as I left each location. 
I believe that God specifically curates what I hear from the local radio channel 😇, and I am claiming this as my anthem this week:

"That's the Thing About Praise" by Benjamin William Hastings ft. Blessing Offor.  

The lyrics of the song remind us that no matter the situation, praising God is essential.  We sing, "Hallelujah" despite the heartache.  Our circumstances may not change but praising God keeps our situation in perspective.  Perhaps Praise is our best medicine.

Take a listen:

"That's The Thing About Praise"

When the rain you want, is a flood instead
And the roses bloom, but they're not quite red
And when I reach the edge of my bravery
I'll still be singin' at the banks of an un-parted sea

Sometimes the only way through it is a hallelujah
Sometimes the only thing to do is just to give it to You
And though my troubles shake me
I know they will never move You
Sometimes the only way through it is a hallelujah
That's why I say hallelujah
Hallelujah

There's what I want and then there's where I'm at
Every one step forward, it got me five steps back
And I cried, I called, God knows I prayed
But most days faith is climbin' up a mountain that stayed

It don't always fix your problems
But it'll tell you how small they are
That's the thing about praise

It won't always move the mountain
But it's good for the heart
That's the thing about praise

You'll never know what it's gonna change
But it'll always leave a mark
That's the thing about praise

Yeah, I might see walls start fallin'
Or it might just change my heart

That's why I say hallelujah 
Hallelujah

breathe

 I feel like I have managed to get my feet underneath me this past month.   In my quiet times, I have thought a lot about how I let the initial crisis with Dad drown me.  My demeanor was consumed with worry and doubt.    How quickly I forgot God's faithfulness. 
Looking back, I realize that I spent a month of my life not fully trusting God to work in our family situation.  And now that things have "settled" a bit, I keep reminding myself that God has consistently turned turmoil into peace throughout my life.  Over and over I've seen him work.   It's something I need to remind myself of, daily.

Weeping may last through the night, but joy comes with the morning. Psalm 30:5 

I know this to be true. 

My Dad's situation is far from resolved on this side of heaven.   I often wake in the mornings thinking about Dad's condition, knowing that there isn't much I can do other than spend time with him and appreciate our moments together.  

Greg and I will both have parents receiving hospice services, as of this week.   
It's a lot.  Death and dying are becoming such a huge part of our household vocabulary.   
Talks about aging parents, and the death of parents, have become conversation topics, and sad realities, among my friend groups.   
It feels like a tough stage of life we are in. 

Ultimately I know that "this too shall pass".  And I look for solace in the fact that God has ordained all of our minutes.

I hope that working at the funeral home hasn't made me callous.   I have come to grips with the normalcy of death.  We're all dying;  Just some sooner than others.
If we have a faith in Christ.... it's not the end.   We need to really believe that.   This heartache is only temporary. 

I keep reminding myself to enjoy the moments..... to LIVE while I'm alive.
I want to fully trust that God is working.   The celebrations of life and the realities of our deaths are all in his hands.   
I'm reminding myself to calm down, give my worries to God, and just breathe. 
God's promises are true.  

All of this song........💕  (You've Already Won by Shane and Shane)

 

I am not a crier

Dementia.  No one is prepared for this disease. I think our entire family was blindsided at how Dad's dementia progressed.  We have a unique situation..... but now that we're drowning in my Dad's dementia, I see other people in the water too.   People with their own unique stories: Relatable and just as heartbreaking.    It's important to share our stories.   We are not alone in this.   

End of November: My Dad, who was already struggling with dementia, hallucinations and paranoia received a steroid shot for a back injury.   
What followed was most likely a Steroid-induced Psychosis that landed my Dad in a geriatric psych ward where they attempted to regulate his medications.    The two week stay, where they heavily sedated him, completely WRECKED him physically.  This man, who was previously walking, talking, dressing himself and physically functioning came home to us on hospice services, unable to care for himself.   We were told that it was "just the progression of the disease"....but I'm convinced that he was a guinea pig for our floundering mental health system.  

It all happened WAY too fast.

Me, my sisters and my mom were on board with caring for him in the home until we realized the state that he was in.  Within days we knew that we were physically unable to care for him.   The agonizing decision was made to put him into a memory care facility.

Hear this: I was NEVER going to put my parent in a facility.  I've had lengthy discussions with friends about how detrimental that would be.  I would move hell and high water to care for my parents at home.  I wouldn't abandon my family.

And here I was within days of having Dad at home.... desperate for him to be somewhere else.

I am not a crier.... but I have been able to instantly produce tears with just a thought over the past month.  It's such a strange thing for me...I feel like there is moisture just pooled up and waiting to leak out.   I didn't anticipate the sadness, worry and despair that would accompany caring for my aging father.  Sending our Dad out of the house was gut-wrenching.    Him being in a facility is just as awful as I expected.... but at the same time I know he's at the best possible place.  What a contradiction.   The place is awful , but best. 

Never say never.

January is here.   I want to put this past month behind me and start fresh for the new year.  I can't look back and have regrets and "what ifs" about Dad's care and decline.  It is what it is.  I have to accept that.
I'm also aware that this year will bring more heartache and sadness.   
I will keep the faith and know that God will always provide a way for us.

In the meantime, I feel like our family is just starting to get our feet under us.  So much still in the works...as my sisters and I take on more responsibilities with both parents.   (Shout out to my sisters who have run themselves ragged through all of this).  
This aging parent stage is no joke.* 

We attend a memory care support group that often reminds us that there will be good day and bad days.
   Such is life.

2024.... bring it.

When you go through deep waters, I will be with you.  When you go through rivers of difficulty, you will not drown. When you walk through the fire of oppression, you will not be burned up; the flames will not consume you.  For I am the LORD, your God, the Holy One of Israel, your Savior.

Isaiah 43:2-3

For I am about to do something new.  See, I have already begun!  Do you not see it?  I will make a pathway through the wilderness. I will create rivers in the dry wasteland.

Isaiah 43:19

*Please consider this your nudge to talk finances and end of life plans with your parents this year.   Establish POAs,  medical directives, DNRs, get on the bank accounts.... get ahead of it.