I am not a crier

Dementia.  No one is prepared for this disease. I think our entire family was blindsided at how Dad's dementia progressed.  We have a unique situation..... but now that we're drowning in my Dad's dementia, I see other people in the water too.   People with their own unique stories: Relatable and just as heartbreaking.    It's important to share our stories.   We are not alone in this.   

End of November: My Dad, who was already struggling with dementia, hallucinations and paranoia received a steroid shot for a back injury.   
What followed was most likely a Steroid-induced Psychosis that landed my Dad in a geriatric psych ward where they attempted to regulate his medications.    The two week stay, where they heavily sedated him, completely WRECKED him physically.  This man, who was previously walking, talking, dressing himself and physically functioning came home to us on hospice services, unable to care for himself.   We were told that it was "just the progression of the disease"....but I'm convinced that he was a guinea pig for our floundering mental health system.  

It all happened WAY too fast.

Me, my sisters and my mom were on board with caring for him in the home until we realized the state that he was in.  Within days we knew that we were physically unable to care for him.   The agonizing decision was made to put him into a memory care facility.

Hear this: I was NEVER going to put my parent in a facility.  I've had lengthy discussions with friends about how detrimental that would be.  I would move hell and high water to care for my parents at home.  I wouldn't abandon my family.

And here I was within days of having Dad at home.... desperate for him to be somewhere else.

I am not a crier.... but I have been able to instantly produce tears with just a thought over the past month.  It's such a strange thing for me...I feel like there is moisture just pooled up and waiting to leak out.   I didn't anticipate the sadness, worry and despair that would accompany caring for my aging father.  Sending our Dad out of the house was gut-wrenching.    Him being in a facility is just as awful as I expected.... but at the same time I know he's at the best possible place.  What a contradiction.   The place is awful , but best. 

Never say never.

January is here.   I want to put this past month behind me and start fresh for the new year.  I can't look back and have regrets and "what ifs" about Dad's care and decline.  It is what it is.  I have to accept that.
I'm also aware that this year will bring more heartache and sadness.   
I will keep the faith and know that God will always provide a way for us.

In the meantime, I feel like our family is just starting to get our feet under us.  So much still in the works...as my sisters and I take on more responsibilities with both parents.   (Shout out to my sisters who have run themselves ragged through all of this).  
This aging parent stage is no joke.* 

We attend a memory care support group that often reminds us that there will be good day and bad days.
   Such is life.

2024.... bring it.

When you go through deep waters, I will be with you.  When you go through rivers of difficulty, you will not drown. When you walk through the fire of oppression, you will not be burned up; the flames will not consume you.  For I am the LORD, your God, the Holy One of Israel, your Savior.

Isaiah 43:2-3

For I am about to do something new.  See, I have already begun!  Do you not see it?  I will make a pathway through the wilderness. I will create rivers in the dry wasteland.

Isaiah 43:19

*Please consider this your nudge to talk finances and end of life plans with your parents this year.   Establish POAs,  medical directives, DNRs, get on the bank accounts.... get ahead of it.