food and family

I am fine.  I am happy.  I am content.  This summer has been great.  I'm not sad.
But I'm sad.

I'm not sure if it's because the death anniversary is slowly starting to slither it's way onto the calendar or if it's just time for me to be mushy about things.

I've been preparing for Thayer's grandmother to come and stay with us for an eleven day visit.   It will be an adjustment for the boys and I to have an extra person around, to say the least.   And it's always a bit challenging for me to be around Thayer's family.... without him. 

I sorted through recipes yesterday trying to figure out what kind of nutritional meals I could feed a ninety year old woman.   
I started to feeling physically ill as I ran across 'meat and veggie' type meals that I used to fix for Thayer -all of the time.  My recipe box and cookbooks seemed foreign... like they belonged to someone else.   
Did I really used to prepare meals and have them on the table by 5:30 every night?!
I can remember the foods that Thayer enjoyed.
I know the foods that his Grandmother has eaten her entire life.
I haven't cooked any of those meals in almost five years!

I have hopes that Granny will be forgiving.  

My boys have been disappearing into the neighborhood for the past few days and I've had a LOT of time to myself.  It's been nice and refreshing to be alone.  But I've been alone.
I start to envision my boys grown and gone.  And I wonder what the heck am I going to do?!   It's rather quiet in this house when the boys are away.
 I start to think about how I will probably be working full time.   And that sucks. 
 I day dream about meeting Mr. Right who will encourage me to keep my part time job.   
Then I wonder, "what if I don't meet Mr. Right' and have to work all day and be alone all evening, and be an old lonely person?" 
And then I stop thinking.
I don't know what to expect over the next few years.   So I try not to dwell on the possibilities.  good or bad.

I chatted online with my Ugandan friend the other day.  He was telling me that he would be prepared to marry in three years. 
When I asked who the lucky girl was, he replied,
"I haven't got one yet".  
But he believed that in three years time that God would provide.  
(yes, I know the cultures are different... and he is preparing for a dowry... and he probably will have a wife in three years)  But what impressed me the most was that he had such strong faith that God would provide.
If only I had that kind of faith.
I wavier between hope and disappointment when I think about what my future will hold. 

A main course of  hopefulness with a side of fear and trepidation.

the in-between

We went to church on Sunday for the first time in many weeks.   I am not sure what the actual talk was about, but I came away with "Where are you going"?  
Not the Heaven and Hell question.... but the honest to goodness "What are you doing with your life?!"

For months, I have gone to bed each night telling God that I need to get back in touch with Him.  I suppose that conversation in itself is a starter.   I'm confident enough in my faith that I know God 'gets' where I'm at.  

I stare at a verse in my kitchen window each day.  
Jeremiah 6:16
This is what the Lord says:

“Stand at the crossroads and look;
ask for the ancient paths,
ask where the good way is, and walk in it,
and you will find rest for your souls."

 

I've been wondering about 'the crossroads'.    I wonder if I would even notice a crossroad when I stumble upon it. 

Perhaps I'm standing in one now.  

And what does the 'good way' look like?

 

Tonight I picked up my Bible for the first time in months and read the book of Ruth.  

Ruth.  A widow.  

She faced a crossroad. 

She was content in side-lining her possibilities and moved away with her mother-in-law.    

Content to work in the field. 

And then BAM... she ends up with Boaz and gives birth to Obed.... who is part of the genealogy of Jesus.

That's a pretty nifty contribution to society.

 

I'm at the point where I'm content.  Really content. (sometimes I feel like I border on apathy.) 

I'm not necessarily ready to bump into Boaz... but I'm curious about the road that will come along and point me in the direction I'm supposed to go.  What will I do with my life?

 

I realize that I have a priority to raise these boys.  But then what?  Do I have a path or destination in mind for my future? (other than marrying wealthy and traveling?) ha.

 

I will not get more cats.

 

It would be really nifty if God would pave a road with yellow bricks.

away from home

I love traveling.  Not so much for the sight seeing.. but more about being away from home.  
There is something freeing about traveling with clothes, toiletries, and minor road trip gear.   I can totally understand the enticement to hit the road when someone retires.    It's what Thayer and I used to dream about. 
No house stuff or responsibilities, no time line, no pets.

We are slowing falling back to reality after a ten day trip to Colorado.  The boys and I traveled out to see Thayer's family.   We met up, and traveled through the state of Colorado, with Thayer's brother and my niece and nephews.  
My boys were thrilled to have time with their cousins.   It had been too long.

The highlights of our trip included:

-grueling airport delays on three out of four flights.

-Visiting with the boys' Great-Grandparents and Grandfather.

-Making a fort in the woods.

-Picnicking on the Colorado National Monument.

-Swimming in hotel pools and hot tubs.

-Exploring SEVEN skate parks in six different Colorado cities.

-Riding the Royal Gorge Route Railroad.

*Swimming in the Arkansas River and diving into the rapids.

-Visiting the Gold Mine Rock Shop.

-white knuckle driving on Skyline drive.

*Going to Casa Bonita.

Huge trip. 
Many memories made.