one year

Well, technically, one year and almost two months.   
I  have habitually blogged on anniversary dates... yet I procrastinated on this very special anniversary. 

Greg and I celebrated our 1st anniversary on July 31st. 
To celebrate, he arranged a trip for us to visit a cutsie zoo in NC that we had been watching on TV.
It was a great get-away.

One year of marriage.

It has been a full year.   We bought a house, moved, settled in, tended to all of the "money pit" issues that arose (and there were MANY.  The house in itself has been such a blessing, and a headache.)
The boys are settled in to their school and work routines.   Things are currently going smoothly.

I've jokingly/truthfully admitted that the honeymoon is over. 
I have been challenged this year.  I am relearning how to be accountable to another person.   Greg has been tolerant of my "I do what I want" attitude.   Because frankly, "I do what I want". 
And I think he's learning how to live with a woman who can be out of control at times. 
He has been gracious. 
Also, I think the graciousness might go both ways at times.  :)

This year has been full of laughter, snarkiness, sarcasm, traveling, working, playing, pool maintenance, swimming, hosting friends, celebrations, eating out, cooking in, watching TV,  and lots of yard work.   
We have a fine dose of reality here.   
Ultimately a large bounty of blessings as well.

Yesterday I referenced Greg in a meeting by saying, "I guess he's been pretty good for me." 
We chuckled at how flippant that sounded.
In actuality, Greg has been exactly what I needed.   He is a good man, a great provider and a wonderful addition to our family.    I know he will be my rock and my companion for however many years we have ahead of us.
I often get carried away with mundane and the irritations of life and I sometimes lose sight of just how important Greg is to me.    The gift of a husband should never be taken for granted. 
I, of all people, should remember that.   (And shame on me for losing sight of that at times!)
The other night I looked over, saw his wedding ring, and thought to myself, "he chose me.  How very lucky I am. Don't forget how much this means."

One year of marriage in the books.   
The starting over, the learning, the growing.   I know the best is yet to come.

I love you, Greg.

a decade

August 16th marked 10 years without Thayer.   The date came and went. 
Our family gathered for a birthday swim and dinner, on what would have been Thayer's 48th birthday, on August 19th. 
(I joked that even death can't stop a son-in-law from having a Gowell birthday party.) :)
The death anniversary and birthday week went by unnoticed by most people.  However I think my body always subconsciously knows.... and I was kind of a wreck under my skin for about a week.

10 years.  That's a decade.   I didn't piece that together until my friend Jennifer noted that her fiance had also been gone for a decade.     I keep saying that I knew Thayer a lifetime ago.  It sure feels that way.

This week we were notified of the unexpected death of Scott Baker, our former worship leader and Thayer's friend from years ago. 
Considering I didn't know Scott very well on a personal basis, I was actually surprised that the news of his death has rattled me. Since the news I have spiraled back in time..... and it does feel like a lifetime ago.    I find myself grieving for Scott's people, re-grieving Thayer's death, and ultimately grieving the past that was literally decades ago.

Thayer was involved with Grace Church when I came upon the scene in 1997.  Scott was the worship leader during that time.   I recall how Scott's original music and the worship team's style and presentation were instrumental in our early relationship and early years of our marriage.  The songs were rich and impactful, and were an integral part of our spiritual growth as a couple.  I can recall having those songs in my head every week.... all week... after a Sunday service.   It's hard to capture in words what a sweet period of time that was at Grace Church.    But those who were there can certainly reminisce. 

I hear Scott was at Thayer's funeral in 2008.  And I do vaguely remember him there amidst my fog.
And here we are 10  years later and I'm following posts online about Scott's funeral.  Those precious people from Grace are saying goodbye to yet another one gone too soon.

I cried on my way to work yesterday as I envisioned how Thayer would react to happening upon Scott in heaven.  I know he will be ecstatic.  What a reunion. 
If Scott needs a sound guy in heaven.... I know a good one.   :)

the end of an era

The cat who has caused me so much heartache over the past few years..... has been missing for five weeks.    She disappeared on Saturday, June 16th after hanging out in the yard with me that morning.   We were even tickled that she approached Greg while he spoke to her from our bathroom window.     
Perhaps she was saying her goodbyes that morning. Who knows.

Last photo evidence of Blueberry taken the morning of June16, 2018

Her disappearance was honestly a very bittersweet thing.   The not knowing of her circumstances is the worst part.   Did she just go off to die?  Was she eaten?   Did she suffer?  Did a neighbor down the road take her in, thinking she was a stray?  Will we see her on someone's porch a month from now?  

I have jokingly said that I will write a children's book,  What Happened to Blueberry?

Maybe she fought to the death when a large eagle swooped down and took her away.

Perhaps she was taken in by a pack of wolves to be raised as their own.

Maybe she jumped a train and joined the circus.

At the end... "What do YOU think happened to Blueberry?"

 

Lucas has high hopes that she just found some other suckers to feed her.... who may also treat her diabetes.... and she'll live another 10 years in the lap of luxury.

I, on the otherhand, figure that she has long been taken back into the earth from whence she came.

see!  I DO have a heart.   I bought this as her memorial stone...

With the saddness of the unknown, there was a bit of relief for me as well.  I had always kind of hoped that she would just pass away on her own.  The thought of putting her down at the vet always filled me with dread.   The end of life decisions are gut wrenching.... and I had already gone down that thought process with her TWICE before.....and yet she pulled herself together each time. 

I am actually hesitant to type this post, almost in fear that she'll show up on our porch tomorrow.... just because that's the type of thing she would do to me.   punk.

This past week was the first time in Eighteen (18!) years that I did not have to secure a pet sitter while we were gone on a family vacation.    That was very nice.    But it was also the first time in 18 years that we didn't have a pet at home waiting for our return. 
The doorways have been vacant and lonely.

a new goal

When I said that I wanted to start blogging again, my friend jokingly narrated what my blog would read like: 

Summer, Day 27.

 2:40pm.  

Floating in pool.

No joke.  That's what my last few days have been like.   

No hating please.

My "material" for blogging is rather dry these days unless it would be couth to blog about how I watched the cat eat an entire rabbit the other day.   Or about how the cat has been missing for over 24 hours.... and I have very mixed emotions about it.

I read somewhere that writers are only able to write if they are proficient in reading.... so I've read a couple of books lately.   Reading is not really my go-to, but once I start- I usually dig it.    

This week, I tore through the book Girl, Wash Your Face.    In a nut shell... it was a straight shooting self-help type book that gave me encouragement to stop making excuses, be more confident and DO life for myself.    I can estimate that the "high" from this book will last about a week and then I'll fall back into my routine.     So before that happens, I was instructed by the author to physically write down my goal/dream.   

Here goes:

(deep breath)

I want to write a book.

Oh goodness.  That is a terrifying sentence.  Like nausea terrifying.    This could take ages.... and usually every ounce of me says that it would be impossible.  Absurd.

However.... this week, I started pondering through the legit steps I would want to take in order to even consider such a feat.   

1. Quit my job to write full time.

2. Build a nifty writing bungalow out back.

I obviously don't know the proper way to start a book.   But I'm going to push myself to do some "research" as I press ahead with this crazy dream.   

 Today, I'm setting my summer goal: to read through all of my past blog posts.

I know it will be baby steps from there.   I've always said "one day" I'll think about writing a book, or "maybe when I retire" I'll write a book.   The truth is.... if I don't think about it now.... it may never happen. 
So....it begins...

my confession

I haven't uttered these thoughts to anyone, but I've been wanting to share for days.

As I have testified, my current life is overflowing with blessings.   The past months have been so full!  New marriage, new-ish job, new house, new beginnings, etc. etc.    Not a day goes by that I don't thank God for his provisions. 

But here's the kicker, y'all! : For the past few months...at the end of the day.... I have been...unhappy.

I've known deep in my heart that my unhappiness is the fact that I have been slowly letting go of my grip on Jesus.     And my prayer for several months has been, "Lord... give me a desire for You."

You see...with all of the new, all of the excitement... My focus changed.  With so many blessings came so many distractions. 
My heart and mind know that Jesus HAS to be the focus.... but I shifted my eyes... just for a second.    And here I found myself with a Jesus sized hole in my heart and an aching for more.
So my simple prayer..... "Give me a desire for You.".

I wanted Jesus back.... but He felt out of arm's reach.  How foolish of me to let go.

 I reflect now about how many times I have blogged about being content.   Content in my circumstances.  Content in my waiting.
 I now know that I was content because I had a death grip on Jesus.  He was my intense focus.   When our eyes are on Jesus, there is joy in ALL circumstances. 

I was distracted by the blessings.... and my contentment dissipated.

I'm here to preach because I've finally witnessed this first hand:
There is no amount of husband, house, job, children, money, friends or family that can fill up your heart with joy and contentment the way that Jesus does.  

My simple prayer.... "Give me a desire for You".
God has been answering this prayer boldly this week.    Little things have shifted my focus and I've found that Jesus was right here, arms open.  It's kinda like falling in love with Him all over again, yet we're picking up right where we left off.

Lord, fix my eyes on you.