Well. I failed my own 21 day challenge. I'm going to rewind to October where I vowed to write for 21 days to create a habit. I managed only 16 days.... and not even consecutively.
Day one was my previous post.
Here are the following 15 days, unchecked and unedited, for your reading enjoyment:
21
Day Project.
Creating Habit.
10/2/21
Day 2.
I’m exhausted from working in the yard all day. I’ve been obsessive about clearing up some
of the underbrush in our wooded sections.
It’s the kind of work that I’ve done for days and days, and no one will
notice. Greg can’t even comprehend the
amount of hard work I have put in. It’s
much “cleaner” and I can see the sun shine through in places that have always
been in shadows.
Why is it that so many hard things go
unnoticed?
Isn’t that true for work we do on ourselves as well?
Like grief work. It’s hard. The blood, sweat and tears…. Mostly tears…..
happen in a dramatic way and then somehow the survivor just shows up on the
other side. No one really noticed it
while it is happening. But slowly, the
light shines through the places that used to be so covered in shadow.
Thayer’s death was like that for me.
There was so much shadow, for so long.
But I grieved, I wrote, I raised kids, I did the work. Lots of hard work…. Mentally, emotionally,
spiritually, physically. No one noticed
the work, but I did. Even now, I notice
those rays of sunshine spilling through and I think, “look at me now. I did it.”
And then I remember that those rays of sunshine are God’s fingerprints
reaching in to light my way. Without
God the shadows would have thickened and I would have suffocated in the
darkness. I was able to do that work,
because of God. I am thankful.
10/3/21
Day 3.
The window is bright today and the leaves are slowly swaying
in the breeze. Sunshine, although the
weather app said that it would be mostly cloudy today. There may be clouds behind the trees, but
all I see are the leaves illuminated with sunshine. I thought this view would be bright and
inspiring. It’s basically just
greenery. However, I can see the larger
trunks that are more evident since I cut back the smaller brush trees that had
sprouted and littered up the “forest” floor in our front yard. I love that we are kind of secluded and
hidden from the road. Our new red door
is seen easily though. The red door
that Greg mentioned today, and took credit for choosing. Little changes around the house that make a
big difference.
I love my guest room, and now my writing room.
How quickly I dismissed my kids’ rooms. I wonder if that is normal behavior of
empty nesters. I feel like I made the
transition much easier than some people.
I chalk it up to the fact that I was a single mom for so many
years. In a way, it’s finally “my” time. However that sounds rather selfish. On the other hand, I am thankful that Greg
and I have some time to settle more into our marriage. I’m thankful for our life group where we can
have have real conversations with other couples about life and love. The study today…. “The crazy cycle”. I feel like Greg and I are constantly stuck
in the crazy cycle. No love, no respect,
no love, no respect. It’s terribly hard
to jump out of that circle. I feel like
I try my best to give the grace needed in situations. And I know, for sure, that I have taken the
high road on many occasions. I always
want to do what a Christ follower should do.
“what would Jesus do?”…. right?
Sometimes I nail it. Sometimes I
totally flounder it. Thanks goodness
for new days. His mercies are new every
morning.
10/4/21
Day 4.
Fall. My busiest time
of year. I’ve been slowly gearing up
for the 21st annual pumpkin party.
This year, Taylor’s wedding is thrown in the mix. AND I’ve been invited to Regina’s “favorite
things” party.
I feel like I’ve run around all day with nothing to show for
it. I need “fancy” shoes for the wedding. And go figure…. None can be found. I’ve got a dress that I’m not too sure about
but Greg says, “it’s hot”. Is that the
goal of a wedding guest? I have a
feeling that the search for shoes will make me fall apart.
This favorite thing party is almost too much as well. Telling a minimalist to buy five items to
give away, to accumulate five more items is almost absurd. Just trying to find the “right’ favorite
thing has been a challenge. I’m stuck
on looking for gnomes, or bowls for popcorn.
I have to figure out some cutsie way to tie in my favorite things. And to think I don’t have “things” that are
favorite. I don’t even like stuff.
Amelia comes for a sleepover tonight. I’ve gathered some things for us to do, or
to keep her busy. I hope I don’t bore
her to death. Hanging gnome ornaments
on my tree, repotting my hens and chicks, watching The Greatest Showman. Maybe going out for lunch tomorrow? I dunno.
I’m only typing to say that I’ve typed today. I’m completely zapped. I told Kelly that I would write every day
to get in the habit…. And she said, “oh, like a diary”. That completely made my project seem like a
kid project. I suppose it is. What do I plan to accomplish from this?
My brain is tired and I don’t have any “deep” thoughts today. I’m kind of dreading going back to
Chick-fil-a this week. I already have
the scaries for tomorrow night. I’ve
been off for two weeks! It has been SO
nice to do other things and get things done around the house.
10/7/21
Day 5.
I cheated myself out of the real day 5 and 6 of
writing. I recently watched a girl on
Youtube talk about the one habit that that has changed her life. She talked a lot about keeping promises to
yourself. We keep promises to everyone
else…. But when it come to our own self…. We make promises and break them all
the time. She explained that each
time we break a promise to our self, we trust ourselves less and less. We have good intentions but don’t follow
through on SO many things. I made a
promise to write 21 days in a row…. And I blew it on the 5th
day. What a loser. If I can’t write for 5 days in a row, what
can I do? I need to power through the
tiredness, the apathy, the lack of content in my head. Just do it.
I need to establish that habit!!
21 days in a row! I owe it to
myself. I want to be a writer, right?!
Today we met for dinner at Blue Ridge BBQ to celebrate
Daniel’s 21st birthday. He
graciously came to hang out with the family.
What a funny thing that 21 years can do to a person. He was born into the family as the one and
only golden child. The first
grandbaby. ALL of us would sit and watch
him as a baby. We would marvel at every
movement and new achievement. He was
joined by many cousins and they all looked up to him. These days, he flies under the radar. He doesn’t seem to need, or seek, any special
attention. He’s become his own man. So similar to Thayer, in so many ways. I pray that he will make good, safe,
decisions and live a long happy life.
I’m so proud of him for being so independent. But sometimes I miss him.
10/8/21
Day 6.
Another day, another dollar.
Literally. I come home
exhausted…. With not much to give to Greg or to myself. I cooked dinner. And tonight, for the first time in forever,
Greg initiated us sitting on the back patio until it got dark. We chatted and chilled. It was so lovely. One evening free of the buzz of the TV in
the background. I do better without the
TV. I feel more attached to real life
when we aren’t being bombarded with the fake and scripted.
I’m seriously distracted as I type this because I just remembered that a new
Justin Beiber documentary is on Amazon today.
I’m going to head downstairs and see if it’s a watch for tonight. Go figure….. the second I type out how
lovely a TV free evening is….. now I’m itching to go and sit in front of the
box.
There is so much other work to complete soon.
We’re on the lookout for Daniel to obtain new health insurance. What a pain in my ass. Greg wants to save the money on health
insurance by dropping our “family” plan…. . which leaves Daniel out in the
cold. Interesting how we carried Taylor
until she was 25. And I know that
finding Daniel’s insurance will lay entirely upon me to research and find. Pain. In. My. Ass. I don’t know much about insurance except about
how much I HATE it.
10/9/21 (trying out writing prompts)
Day 7.
“Hidden away on the inside of the jacket”… was a twenty
dollar bill. Sam hadn’t worn the jacket
in several years but he suddenly remembered the origin of the wrinkled
bill. It must have been at least 4
years ago when he took his girlfriend to the county carnival. Mandy was only 14 years old at the time and
had begged her parents for the opportunity to go on a date, to the carnival,
with the high school junior.
Sam was so excited when her parents agreed to the date after meeting him at the
mall the previous weekend. “He seems
nice enough”, her Dad said after the brief interaction in front of the Hot
Topic Store.
Sam arrived at Mandy’s house a few minutes earlier than expected. He was greeted by Mandy’s Dad, Bill. Bill invited Sam inside and was relieved he
would have a few minutes to get more acquainted with this boy.
Sam awkwardly answered questions about school and the baseball team, in which
Sam was the star pitcher.
Bill had played ball in high school and reminisced about how he lost his shot
to play professionally when he injured his shoulder in a sledding accident the
year of the “Big snow”.
Sam knew the reality of himself going professional was slim to none. A few colleges had been to scout him out,
but he ultimately knew that he was going to choose veterinarian school.
As long as Sam could remember he wanted to work with animals. He planned to become a vet and open his own
animal hospital. Sam’s parents owned a
pet boarding business and Sam had been exposed to so many animals over the
years, often being the caretaker while his parents were out of town. He had been left in charge of a menagerie of
critters one summer weekend, and surprisingly was the lone midwife to a dog who
delivered 7 puppies. Only 5 survived. Sam was elated with the new life, and
solemnly accepted the fate of the dead.
That sole experience formed a heart in Sam that always wanted to protect
and save animals.
Mandy hopped down the stairs, carnival ready, wearing a blue gingham sundress
and a bouncy ponytail. She was elated to
be going on a real date with Sam. They
had hung out at school and been to the pizza place, with a group of friends, a
few times… but this would be the first time they were out, alone. Upon laying eyes on Sam, sitting with her
Dad, Mandy got butterflies in her stomach.
A bit of excitement, a bit of anxiety.
The thought of this being her first “real” date…. She wasn’t sure what
to expect.
Mandy followed Sam out to his black Honda Civic, as Bill commented on how
reliable those Hondas are… “Good ol’ Hondas…. That thing will last forever!” Sam thought it would be a good idea to open
the car door for Mandy, especially with her Dad’s watchful eye behind
them.
As they pulled away from the house, Sam and Mandy waved goodbye to Bill and
headed to the carnival.
The county carnival was several miles out of town and the drive gave Sam and
Mandy some time to break the ice before they arrived. The two joked about the ‘incident’ in Math
class the previous day where Ian’s soda can had burst open and sprayed all over
Claire’s notebook. It was such a
mess. Sam and Mandy were so relieved it
hadn’t happened to them.
Mandy asked Sam what he planned to do over the summer. They both talked about getting summer jobs….
But Sam figured that he would just work for his parents and help out with the
animals. Summer was an especially busy
time for boarding, since a lot of families took vacations in the summer months.
Mandy had already applied for a job at the ice cream truck and was having an
interview the following week. Sam joked
about stopping by the ice cream truck to get pup cups for all of the dogs.
It was twilight and the lights from the carnival were glowing above the tree
lines. Sam followed the signs for
“PARKING”, and parked in a crowded lot a few hundred feet from the carnival
entrance.
10/10/21
Day 8.
At the entrance gate Sam rustled through his wallet and paid
the $10 admission for the two. He was
planning to use his birthday money for the evening. His grandmother gave him $100 each year for
his birthday. This was the last year
he would receive the generous gift. His grandmother had passed away three
months ago and Sam had decided to save the money for something special. His grandmother would be so tickled about
Mandy. Sam was certain that the two of
them would have gotten along like peas in a pod. Sam’s grandmother had a great sense of
humor, and he had already noticed subtle similarities between her and Mandy.
The carnival was full of the expected.
Game booths run by shaggy carnies, a scantily pieced together Ferris
wheel and other miniature amusement park rides, food stands: funnel cake, hotdogs, cotton candy, snow
cones. At the opposite side of the
field there was a large pavilion area with a stage and live music. A bluegrass band was playing for the
evening and it gave the atmosphere a “country” feel, despite the large crowd of
city people who had ventured to the grounds.
10/11/21
Day 9.
Sam and Mandy ran into some friends from school and they
stopped by the hotdog stand to grab some dinner. Sloppy chili dogs and French fries. Mandy hoped that she wouldn’t make a mess on
her new dress. They found an empty
picnic table and sat to eat. Sam talked
with the other boys about the baseball game earlier that week. They had one by a landslide and their
cockiness showed throughout the conversation.
The girls whispered aside about their new nail colors and made plans to
go to the mall over the weekend.
After eating and chatting, Sam pulled Mandy to the side, to continue their
evening. The other teens headed off in
the opposite direction to play skill games.
Sam lead Mandy to the Ferris Wheel.
Mandy had zero interest in riding the wobbly looking contraption but she
went along with it, to seem agreeable.
The line was fairly long so they were able to people watch as they
waited for their turn.
10/12/21
Day 10.
Greg and I recently watched a documentary. It was called Social Media Dangers: Childhood
2.0 It was so discouraging and sad to
hear the facts and statistics about what social media is doing to our kids. The rates of depression, anxiety,
addictions, pornography, cyber bullying, suicide, child predators, etc.
etc. I am beyond thankful that my kids
are past the “impressionable” age…. But I know that they are still susceptible
to all of the above. As are we. I know a handful of people who either never
joined Facebook, or left Facebook after realizing that their mental health was
being jeopardized. I feel that people
who have stepped back from social media seem to be more in touch with the
people and events in real life. They
claim that they are happier and more productive.
So…. This morning I deleted my Facebook app from my phone. I only tried to check it a few times, and
was actually relieved that it wasn’t an option. After an entire day of not mindlessly spending
time on my phone, I logged in on my laptop to realize that I only had ONE
notification today. It was a
notification letting me know that my sister is coming to my Pumpkin Party. So…. I basically missed NOTHING. I think I’m on my way to a new life,
literally. I want to be more present
in the real world. I want to use my free
time intentionally. I want to do house
projects, I want to *maybe* read a book.
I want to write. I want a
better relationship with Greg. But the
kicker is: He’s more addicted to his
phone than I have ever been. And he
doesn’t realize it. My friends don’t
realize it either. My friends…. Who
suffer from mental health issues are addicted too. I just told my friends that I’m
experimenting with taking Facebook off of my phone and one of my friends
basically just told me that she didn’t care.
That she’s fine with what she’s doing.
Two of them basically made excuses of saying that in their “free time”,
that’s how they pass time.
I wish people could realize the trauma that they are putting themselves
through. I know I was just as blinded
to my addiction as the next guy, until I suddenly have the realization. Between the documentaries I’ve seen and also
seeing people who are unplugged simply living a better life. I want to pursue it now. I wish I could have helped my kids create
healthy habits with the internet. In a
way, I think my kids are better off than me…. But I honestly don’t know how
much time they spend on social media. I
know Lucas’ video game addiction has, and will, affect him into the
future. It’s seems so normalized.
So much has changed since I was a kid.
10/13/21
Day 11.
(Censored to protect innocent
people from an angry rant) But at least: I wrote ;)
10/14/21
Day 12.
I’m reading back through old blog posts.
My book from 2005-2007. Stories
that I have no recollection of…. Or vague memories of. My kids were small. Daniel was an eager learner. Daniel was a bit of a troublemaker in
preschool, but seemed to do well at all school things. And Lucas loved to cook… even at age 4. Daniel rode a bike early and Lucas got a
bike super early. I didn’t write
about it… but I do remember that both were taught by Thayer within minutes!
I wrote several times about Thayer working late and having big work
projects. He traveled to Italy and to
Spain. One blog post mentioned it was
Thayer’s first time with us in about a month.
I wrote, “I don’t know how single parents do it.” That’s pretty fascinating. I don’t recall him being gone so much! I think I was probably so consumed with the
kids. I do remember an evening when I
sat in the living room, waiting up for him- really late. I remember the fear and anger…. Not sure
what he was really doing out so late.
Reading these blog posts are basically reading a diary from my early years as a
mother. I worked at Target in the
evenings…. For the extra money, and clearly to get a break from the kids. When Thayer was promoted at work, I quit
Target and seemed more appreciative of my time with the boys.
Those years were a lifetime ago. A very
faint memory.
10/15/21
Day 13.
I am not a shopper.
The thought of upcoming Christmas stresses me out. I hate the fact we
buy gifts for people at Christmastime…. Just to buy gifts. The pressure is usually high, and I’m the one
figuring out what to give people. Last
year I wanted to boycott buying things for Greg’s people…. But he sucked, as
much as I expected…. So I had to fill in the gaps. Being a person that doesn’t like “Stuff’,
it’s hard to pick the right stuff for other people to have.
I’m invited to a”fall favorite things” party at Regina’s this year. I don’t have favorite THINGS…. I have
favorite people and/or activities. I
decided upon a rather lame gift to share.
A bowl, some kind of popcorn, m&ms and a little gnome ornament. I hope I can package them up cutsie-ish and
explain that my favorite “thing” is time spent with friends. I’m looking forward to celebrating Kelly’s
birthday tomorrow night. Friends,
games, pizza and cake. ALL of my
favoritesJ
10/16/21
Day 14.
Saturday morning. Up at 6.
Writing by 7. I don’t get
it. It’s the weekend and I’m always up
and moving like I’m going to miss something.
It is a big day though, I suppose.
Greg heads off to a football game and I work from 11-3:15. Most importantly the girls gather tonight to
celebrate Kelly’s birthday! I’m hopeful
that work will go smoothly and that I can get home to the real fun.
Fun Fact: This month’s “theme” for my
yoga practice has been “Still”…. Which basically means lots of videos about
meditation. I always thought meditation
was for “new age” people, or people who practice the “religion” of yoga. But turns out, I’ve gotten pretty good at
it…. And I’m not a weirdo! (I think).
The first video that required me to sit
still was atrocious. I fidgeted the entire time and struggled to
sit and relax. Turns out that yoga
practice is just that.... practice to make perfect, I suppose. It’s been 16 days of meditation videos
mixed in with some movement flows, and today I’m proud to report that I sat
upright for about 17 minutes, relaxed and zen (If I dare use that word. Haha)
Believe it or not, the time flew by!
Interesting how 17 minutes of stillness can fly by… but 10 minutes at my
job feels like hours.
Yesterday the clock read 4:09….. I proceeded to help a zillion guests and chat
with my co-worker only to look at the clock which read 4:19. Go figure.
As I sit by this dark window, on an early Saturday morning,
I start to see the light peek through the trees. I am rarely up to witness the sunrise. Usually just waking and getting my feet on
the ground and having my morning water.
I’m currently waiting for it to get a tad bit lighter so that I can go
for my morning walk. It’s interesting
how quickly the sun illuminates the dark.
The yard has come alive. I can
see further from the window today because we had tree limbs cut from the tree
outside. We have several trees cut down
from the edges of our wood line which seems to have made positive changes in
our landscape.
10/18/21
Day 15.
Yesterday was the first fall-feeling day. I love the fall. I wish I would have had ONE of my weddings in
the fall. The breeze is crisp and cool
in the evenings. The sun shines
differently during the days…. A feeling of heat and chill at the same
time. A fall feeling is distinctive, yet
hard to explain. I see a few of the
tree leaves starting to change as I look out of the window. Not enough to notice the color…. But if I
look closely, I can tell the trees are thinking about shedding their summer
growth. I think there was a frost
warning last night. That might come as a
reminder to the plants to start preparing for the winter. Seems like summer was short this year. I guess because I worked through it, for the
first time in ages. I can’t remember the
last time I worked in the summer. The
fall has been nice, not being on a school schedule. The seasons used to revolve around school
activities… but it certainly feels less hectic this fall. I can just focus on work, home, and upcoming
party. The pumpkin party will be
celebrating 21 years on the 28th of October. How is that even possible? I have vowed many years to scrap the party….
But it keeps happening. I’m not even
sure people enjoy it…. But they keep coming back. It’ll be a smaller crowd this year. Partly because I’ve lost two friends and
because Jamie can’t come this year.
Lucas will be out of town, and Ana.
Maybe a smaller crowd will be more relaxed?
10/20/21
Day 16.
I’m trying to become more disconnected with social
media. It’s been one week since I
deleted the Facebook app from my phone.
I haven’t missed it. AT. ALL. I
checked in via my laptop a couple of times to see if I missed any group
updates. I whittled down my groups to
just two that I need to actually check on:
Lifegroup and Ladies Night.
When I deleted FB, I also cut back on the people I follow on Instagram. It’s just a handful of people now and they
don’t post often. BUT… since the app is
still on my phone, I tend to pick up the phone to check Instagram, Email and my
work Slack app. I hope that I can curb
those tendencies over time.
I do find that I have more time to
think, or do be more productive.
I have also stopped listening to music during my daily walks. My head seems clearer and I am noticing the
nature sounds around me. Trees bustling
in the breeze. Birds chatting in the
morning air. The complete quiet has
given me more encouragement to pray during my walk and think of friends and
family. I hope this quiet time can
become even more precious than before.
There was a recent video on YouTube that questioned whether or not YouTube is a
social media. Since I do spend a
significant amount of time on YouTube each day, I was curious. The gal in the video explained that in her
opinion, YouTube isn’t true social media because it doesn’t involve the
scrolling through of content.
(preselected content in a feed).
In YouTube, however, one must actually select the content they wish to
watch. For instance….. I tend to watch
videos from my favorite creators (minimal mom and yoga with Adriene)…. But I
also get on specific topic kicks.
Lately, I’ve been watching videos about people who have given up social
media. Haha. Go figure.
I tend to choose educational or informative videos over vague random
entertainment. YouTube is my go-to if I
have time to watch a television show. I
would rather watch a few opinion pieces about a topic than to land on an hour
of mindless television.
Anywho. I really hope I can continue
this pull-back from social media. So
far, so good…..except that I continue to pick up my phone to check the few apps
I still have on hand. I hope to create
better habits with that as time goes on.
Baby steps, I suppose.
