thanksgiving

I'm thankful for alot.

Wednesday, we had a much needed visit from some marvelous friends.

Yesterday, we slept late. The kids played around the neighborhood and then showed up to assemble the Christmas tree and decorate it. We had discussed skipping a tree this year... but they were in the mood... so I let them have at it.
We had a nice thanksgiving meal at my parent's house, a game of scrabble, followed by a trip to the movies to see Megamind. (Which I REALLY enjoyed!)
We also made an evening trip to Walmart to buy a space heater for our frigorific basement.
Good day, all around.

Today is our first day at home in FOR-EV-ER. My fairytale plan is to hang out around the house all day. Maybe force myself to put out some Christmas decor. Read a little.
But I'm secretly planning a trip to go roller skating if my kids will humor me.

The past few days have been great. But I notice an aching feeling that is hovering just below the surface. The holidays are bitter sweet. I'm enjoying special moments with the kids, but at the same time I take a deep breath as I think about how Thayer is supposed to be here for all of this.

The holiday music is draining. So I have made a "NON Christmas" CD for the car. Avoiding the Christmas music seems to be helping.

I'm currently reading Each Little Bird That Sings by Deborah Wiles. Just in case I didn't have enough stuff to depress me, I chose to read a book written for 8-12 year olds in which death is the main topic. It's about a little girl who lives in a funeral home...
interesting how I'm drawn to these things. Even more interesting how I'm pretty comfortable on a fourth grade reading level. too funny.
I only have a few more chapters to go and I'm hoping that the author will tie it up in a pretty package with a happy ending... but I'm not sure how she'll do it.

Kinda like life. Sometimes we can't see the happy ending, until the end...

ahhh... that was my deep thought for today :)

quilts

We are so blessed to have a family friend that was willing to make two twin size quilts with some of Thayer's clothes. We went to pick them up today and they are beautiful!


Each star is made from from Thayer's clothes.

I just had 'a moment' as I looked at, and ran my fingers over, each star and remembered each piece of clothing.
I know that the kids might not remember each item.... but for me, this is super special.
She gave each boy a little pillow. The pillowcases were made from Thayer's jeans :) too cute!

I am so thrilled that they will be able to use these quilts for years to come.
Thank you Mrs. Gallagher! The quilts are amazing!

lil' memories

I have a terrible memory. always have. When friends talk about past events, my favorite comment is: "Was I there?"
I seriously don't remember much of anything.
I get really tickled when little things trigger random memories.

Today, I had lunch with Thayer's best friend and his wife. The friend was talking about obtaining a license that would allow him to bring in extra income.
Then it hit me that he and Thayer had been planning this venture before Thayer died. Over two years ago, they had discussed these plans.... and they had even started working on another project together.
And of course, when Thayer died... so did my recollection of what he was planning. All of Thayer's thoughts and comments about their common goal had been lost.
I was very happy to hear that his friend has followed through with the initial plans.
All of that to say... that a simple conversation took me back a few years. I started to remember some of the things that Thayer was planning.
Not that it matters now. But it was nice to have a little flash into the past.

I also had a brief conversation with someone about lasik eye surgery tonight. Memories of Thayer's experience popped back in mind. How quickly I forgot that he had worn glasses when we met. I remember we had a young child (or children) when he decided to have the surgery.
(I'm curious to look back through pictures to see what year he actually had it done.)
He claimed that it was one of the best things he had ever done. He was thrilled with his new vision.
Even if he was only able to enjoy it for a few years....

I pulled out the box of old home videos tonight. I'm gearing myself, and the kids, up to watching them soon.
I was able to watch a small portion of video about 7 months after he died. And I remember watching our wedding video on (what would have been) our 10th anniversary. It was hard, tearful, but refreshing all at the same time.
Not sure what to expect when we get the home videos rolling this week.
I want to see him in action, and hear his voice.... and remember.

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dress code

alrighty. So. Uganda.

Less than three months away.

For the past month or so, I have been dealing with various emotions surrounding the fact that several of my family members do not support my decison to go. I have had to accept their concerns but ultimately move forward with my plans. I know that this trip will be a learning experience for me, as well as my entire family.

All of that said, I am super excited and I am ready to start thinking and planning for the trip. I'm sure that this is the first of many pre-trip posts :)

Uganda.
When I initially thought of Uganda, I thought about sleeping in a hut, covered in a mosquito net, having to pop a squat, and not showering for weeks.

Turns out that we will be staying here.

boy. my preconceived notions were wrong.

I found out today, from other team members that i will have access to wireless internet! And that I can shower! (two times a day!) And that the pizza is fantastic!
I should feel right at home :)

But... I also found out that I will need to wear "skirts and blouses".
What?!
This news was more shocking than the thought of not showering!
I haven't worn a skirt since highschool. I hate skirts. Skirts are so unflattering on me.
And so, I feel like a big baby. I'm ashamed that my vanity turned me so ugly today.
How shallow of me.

Luckily, another team member has lightened the blow to my vanity by reminding me that it's not a fashion show. And that she "has fun with it".
So... I'm heading to Goodwill this week to "have fun with it". I'm on a mission to find some skirts. Lots of skirts that I will be able to leave behind for the Ugandan women when I return to the states.
(I was excited to hear that most team members travel back to the states -with only the clothes on their backs. They give away all of their clothes and toiletries. That is super cool!)

I'm gonna 'have fun with it!'

late night ramblings

I was doing so well. I have been to bed by 10pm, or before, every night this week. I have decided to try at some new habits. My goal is to have laundry and all other chores completed before nightfall... so that I won't feel that OCD need to stay up late and finish it all.
But somehow, today, my plan was foiled.

Here I sit.... waiting on two loads of laundry to finish. I'm waiting to pack clothes so we can go and visit some of the most awesome people in the universe.

While I wait, I suppose I can entertain with some of my deep thoughts. :-) They are ALL over the place... so buckle up!

#1- I had Japanese food yesterday. (by myself. missed you melissa!) The fortune from my cookie said: "You are the master of every situation."
Yeah. mostly. never.
But wouldn't that have come in handy, several months ago, when I listened to an agnostic explain... very thoroughly...his UNbelief, while I sat in dumbfounded silence. It was a very challenging talk.
I am in the process of reading Mere Christianity by C.S. Lewis. (for the first time. gasp!)
I'm only half way through. (Because it puts me to sleep each night). So far, I agree with Lewis' conclusions... but his evidence is exhausting. Last night,I read a section where he basically shames people like me for being so childlike in their faith. It was very convicting in the fact that I need to be growing spiritually... and not just wading around in the stuff that I was taught as a kid.
Good read.
And I'd like to thank my agnostic friend for challenging me :-)

#2-absolutely unrelated to #1:
Lately, I have found that I tear up every time I notice a father and his young kids, out in public. I guess not EVERY time... but every time I have the notion to really stop and watch.
Something has to be said for men and their young kids, especially father/son interactions. Dads are so cool and laid back...it's such a neat thing to observe.
I tend to flashback and think about Thayer and my boys. And think about how he's not here. And I think about how lucky the other kids are... and that they don't even know it. What I wouldn't give for my kids to have just one more outing with their Dad...

#3- completely and utterly unrelated to #1 and #2:
I ran into a girl that I knew in MIDDLE school the other night. She quickly recognized me and immediately said,(in a slightly accusing tone)"I sent you a friend request a few months ago... and you never replied."

(insert my dumbfounded look here)

She says, "you know, on Facebook?!"
I say, "oh yeah, I try not to be on there too much." (luckily, the lightening didn't strike)
we exchanged brief 'how's the weather' about our kids and said our goodbyes.
Now, really?
Was she truly upset that I hadn't 'friended' her on FB? Am I really friends with someone I haven't seen in almost 20 years? (woah. I'm getting old!)
And just in case you've 'friended' people like that...
November 17th is NUD day! (National Unfriend Day!)
Check this out! I love it :)

the age

I heard on the radio, yesterday, that the average age that most women try to "do it all" and balance a gazillion things is 33.
I can see that as being accurate to a point... since 33 year olds are typically in high gear with kids, work or family life.
And I know of other people my age who seem to be 'doing it all' for everyone. For their family, for the church, for friends, for the school, for the neighborhood, for the needy, for strangers, for charities, for random animals.

I, on the other hand, have weaned myself off of doing a gazillion things.
That isn't necessarily a good thing. But I'm content with my non-action right now.

I'd be first to admit that the death of a spouse certainly changes things on a 'to-do' list. Lots of crazy obsessions or OCD tendencies kinda get tossed aside when one's life is turned upside down. And the dream of becoming Ms. PTA instantly vaporizes when the reality of single parenting bulldozes into the home.
I know that some single parents keep the facade of 'doing it all' for everyone... but I know better. Somebody is suffering.
I'd rather not burn the candle at both ends... because my kids usually get burned along the way.

Don't get me wrong. My schedule is booked... pretty much all of the time. But... over the past few years, I have learned to say "no" rather easily. And I don't feel too much panic when something lies undone, or if errands are delayed, etc.

Haha. As I type this... I know that I NEED to put the clothes in the dryer TONIGHT or my morning routine will be shot! And, I realize that all of the dishes must be washed and put away before I go to bed each night.

um... so scratch the OCD statement above. :-)

whew. lost my train of thought.

regroup.

I guess what I'm trying to say... is that I don't feel guilty for my non-involvement these days. I am very fortunate to have some ME time built into my schedule... which never occurred in previous years.

I realize that I am very blessed to have the luxury of in-town family members who will watch my boys as needed.

(I know that other single moms who don't have this luxury.... so if you know someone like that.... volunteer to keep their kids!! It is SO important that they get a break!)

I can thank my family for two ladies nights each month AND for my Thursday night kick-boxing class. Those activities are a large part of what keeps me sane :) Along with all of the other random activities that get me out and about.

I'm hoping that as I pull myself back to sanity that I can slowly start to gain the initiative to reach out to others again. I'd like to see myself back in the school and involved at church... but I want to get myself straight first.
As of now... I'm content with my ME time and my sanity.
(even though some of you might doubt the 'sanity' part) :)

conclusion: don't include me on the list of 33 year olds that 'do-it all'.
Maybe when I'm older :)