scattering day

On Friday... the kids and I, along with my brother-in-law and his kids, made a trip to the Parkway to scatter Thayer's ashes.

The week prior to this trip, I was a little anxious because I just didn't know what to expect. And as the time drew nearer, I started to wonder about the actual process of "scattering". How were we supposed to do it? How can we pull it off- with a bunch of kids- without being totally irreverent?
I was fortunate enough to watch Elizabethtown on Thursday night....in the movie I watched the main character scatter his father's ashes..... and I realized that I was simply over-thinking the process of scattering.

So with my new chill attitude,we headed out on Friday morning. Our first stop was at the "20-Minute Cliff" overlook. We ate some sandwiches and debated on whether or not to scatter some of the ashes at that location. We realized that the wind was blowing in the wrong direction and there could be a pretty messy outcome.
We left the overlook and decided to toss some of the ashes alongside the road. I rolled down the window and let them fly.

(For those of you who are curious... and I know you are ;)... the ashes of cremated remains are white, basically fine in texture, with tiny pieces of bone fragments, and very soft... almost chalky feeling to the touch.
And yes, we scattered them by hand. When rinsed with water, the remnants are very slick and smooth. )

Moving along....
Our next stop was the White Rock Falls trail. We hiked in to a group of cliffs and proceeded to scatter the majority of Thayer's ashes at this spot. Thad read the following passage from the Common Book of Prayer:

In sure and certain hope of the resurrection to eternal life through our Lord Jesus Christ, we commend to Almighty God our brother Thayer, and we commit his body to the ground; *earth to earth, ashes to ashes, dust to dust. The Lord bless him and keep him, the Lord make his face to shine upon him and be gracious to him, the Lord lift up his countenance upon him and give him peace. Amen.

Then everyone had a turn grabbing handfuls of the ashes and scattering them to the wind. The kids really seemed to enjoy this part. And amazingly, we were all pretty composed. Nothing like the redneck-fest that I was afraid it could morph into.

L scattering ashes at the White Rock Falls Trail

On the way back up the trail, D spotted a snake along the path... which turned out to be a Timber Rattlesnake!!! That added some additional excitement to our day. Thad attempted to toss stones in it's direction hoping that it would head off of the trail and go about it's business but it insisted on coiling up on the trail and shaking it's rattler to scare us. Eventually, we had to go off of the path and travel around the snake in order to continue our day.

We scattered some ashes in a stream along the way as well.
Afterwards, we proceeded to drive down to Otter Creek and the kids enjoyed playing and swimming in the creek for the rest of the afternoon.

I've got to admit that it was a terrific day. We all had a great time, enjoying the mountains, and enjoying time with each other. And scattering Thayer's ashes was much more "relaxed" than I had anticipated. There was almost a relief in it. I know that Thayer would have enjoyed the day and I know that we did the best thing.... spending a beautiful day in the mountains, carrying out his wishes.
It was a GOOD day!! :-)

reality

so... I was one of the folks who got sucked into watching Jon and Kate plus 8 tonight.
I have seen tidbits of this show in the past but I didn't get hooked because I really disliked the way that Kate treated her husband.
The news of their separation wasn't a surprise to me.
I found myself really ticked off at them while watching tonight. (probably like the millions of other people who watched too)
They both sounded like a broken record...
"what's best for my kids", "my kids are the most important thing", "I want peace for my kids", my kids are my top priority"...
blah, blah, blah!!
No wonder their marriage has failed!

I am so saddened that couples today insist on putting their children first. I suppose that I have always been taught... and I truly believe that in order for things to work properly.... one must put God first, spouse second, kids third.
If you are doing the first two right... then the kids will automatically have "peace".
Having two parents who are devoted to God and to each other most likely will make for happy kids as well.
It's a shame that people just don't understand this simple fact.

Here's the deal.
I didn't like the Kate lady because she reminded me of myself. She had beat down her husband so much that the communcation just stopped.
Thayer and I had spurts of the same thing. And looking back... sure... I could have/should have done things differently during our marriage. I've learned alot of lessons about how to treat a husband... and I pray that I'll get a chance to be a better wife in the future.

But, I am happy to say that our kids never came before our marriage. I can remember conversations with Thayer during some of our "date nights" when we patted ourselves on the back for intentionally making time-just for us. We'd chat about people we knew who were bowing down to their kids... and we just didn't see how those folks were making it.

I highly recommend "date nights" !
Get out there and spend some time with your spouse-
I would be more than happy to babysit for you!

father's day

Last night, I had a tough night. I was up until 3am. It reminded me of the many late nights that I used to have last fall and winter. I pretty much had a huge meltdown that was only resolved, oddly, by watching some old home videos of Thayer and the boys.

I originally thought that it would be very difficult to see videos of Thayer. And I have avoided it until now. But last night, I felt a great urge to SEE him and HEAR him again, so I dug out the most recent video that we have... (from fall '04 through spring '06)
After I got over my initial cry of seeing Thayer... I was wonderfully comforted by being able to see him and hear his voice. It was wonderful. I would close my eyes and focus solely on his voice. Seeing him "in action" made it feel like he was still here.

(Well, here I am, now, crying, just thinking about watching the video. I guess just wishing that he were here.)

I slept late this morning and we skipped church.
Yesterday, L had mentioned that he would like to send a note to Daddy, via balloon. I thought it was a grand idea and I was ready to get up and implement the balloon send-off today and I even toyed with the idea of letting the boys scatter some of Thayer's ashes around his memorial tree..... but
~scratch~
both boys said that they DIDN'T want to do any of it.

Which is fine. and a slight relief to me because I don't know if I was in any type of shape to conduct such activities today. I felt like I needed some recovery time from last night's breakdown.
There will be other days for the sentimental stuff. I don't want to overload any of us.

Today went okay. We spent some time with family and friends.
It's nice to be around people :-)

carrots

okay. so I realized that it's probably not the 10 month thing that's making me emotional. I think I'm just having a weepy week. With all this time to think about Thayer... the weirdest things will catch me by surprise.

I have finally mustered up the motivation to prepare a meal for someone else. wow... (I know... that's a huge step for me, considering my new habit of not cooking, ever.)
I'm sticking with a simple roast in the crock pot.
Shouldn't be difficult, right?!
wrong.
I cried over the carrots! (not ON the carrots...don't worry)

Remembering the last time I cooked a roast... when Thayer was living.
And always for Thayer. In fact, everything I cooked for always FOR him.
I miss the part of me that used to prepare meals for Thayer. the part of me that planned meals for each week and looked for recipes that Thayer would like.

As for roasts...
He always assured me that it was okay to cut up the veggies and have everything in the crockpot the night before, and put it in the fridge. So in the morning, you just have to turn it on to cook.
I specifically remember him telling me that you can never have too many carrots.
"Just use the whole bag".

I cried over the carrots tonight because it was such a small bag.
Thayer would have wanted more. :-)

free time

I think I really enjoy this "summer" thing! I am SO fortunate that I work somewhere that adheres to summer vacations. I find this break to be absolutely refreshing and enjoyable. Well... atleast the past few days.

Call me after a week or so with these kids... and I'll let you know. ;)


I realized that my calendar looks fairly empty this summer. It's a much needed break from the overscheduling that I managed to do during the school year. I am trying hard not to overschedule our free days. I am really looking forward to sleeping late and taking it "one day at a time". I like the days when I can just wake up and say "what shall we do today?"

Other than beach trips and swimming lessons... we should have plenty of free days.


Since I've been out of work, I find that I have more time to think about Thayer too. I have recently been thinking alot about last summer. I can vividly remember our trip to Arizona and Colorado... like it was yesterday. And it's not that I remember all of the things that we did... but I can simply remember Thayer's presence... in the car, standing next to me, sitting by the pool... his hand on my back or shoulder.... I think it's all about him "being" there that I remember.

The boys and I have been having lots of movie nights lately... and I asked them if they remembered having movie nights with their Daddy.
I can picture him getting settled on the couch, with his ugly brown "slippers", several pillows behind his neck, with kids on both sides.
I don't have a clue about what we watched but I remember his presence.

This "presence" thing is a biggie to me. I have a terrible memory of events. But I can place Thayer at just about any spot in our house and yard. I have a vivid memory of his "being". It's hard to explain.

Tomorrow marks 10 months since Thayer's death.

a night on the town

When Thayer and I first traveled across the country, we would drive about 8-10 hours, find a cheap hotel, and have a "night on the town".
And we're not talking about a night out in a big city. We were usually in the smallest possible town on the map. For some reason, after 10 hours of driving, we were ready to stop at just about any hotel available.
A "night on the town" usually entailed finding a local Pizza Hut or Western Sizzlin', grabbing goodies from a grocery store or vending machine and watching tv in our hotel room.
The phrase "night on the town" was a tradition whenever we traveled.

As time has passed...I have redefined what a "night on the town" can be. It can be a night after traveling... OR it can be just be any of those very rare nights that I am "out on the town".

Tonight was one of those nights.
I was out with two of my bestest buddies (who shall remain nameless for the protection of their reputations). ;)
We ate dinner out and then decided to do a little shopping.
So... picture this.... we went to a store called "Hot Topic".

(Yes. If you are familiar with this store... I'm pretty sure that I was old enough to be the mother of every employee and customer in the room.)

Now... picture three of us... debating over which Twilight T-shirt to purchase. For goodness sakes, the t-shirts were on clearance. So I had to buy two. :-)
I was partly ashamed at the checkout counter when the salesgirl suggested that I buy the posters that were also on clearance.
"No thank you. I've already got a poster".
"and yes, I think I know your mom." (haha)

We managed to do a little shopping for Father's day, grab some icecream for dessert and chat for a while.
After exchanging some recipes and showing pictures of our children we decided to call it a night. ;)
We joked about how we were able to stay out as late as we wanted... but we were pretty much ready for bed.
It's tough being 30 :-)

But seriously... I had a super time with my girls tonight!! I wish we could have a "night on the town" more often!!!
love you guys! :-)

Camp

I just completed the application for my boys to attend Comfort Zone Camp!! Check it out!!
We heard about it from another kid at Kids' Haven.... who said that he had a blast.
L won't be old enough until the fall... but we are already looking forward to it!

honestly

I think some of you didn't catch the sarcasm in my last post. (Probably none of you, unless you have seen me in the past week... and I apologize to my out of town readers...).
Since I am a really honest person.... I don't want to mislead anyone.
I'm not technically 30. I may be two years older than that.
But let's keep it our little secret, eh? ;)

My 30th birthday...

well.... close enough.

Let's see what random thoughts I can share as I wind down a day of celebration.

A friend shared a "thayer story" with me via email earlier today. She recalled a time about ten years ago when Thayer showed up at their house and was given a copy of her husband's Les Miserables book. Thayer had decided to give it to me for my birthday because I was a huge fan of the story.
My friend emailed today...just wondering about what I had thought about the "used" gift. And amazingly... I had never heard this story before!! Thayer NEVER mentioned where he got the book.... what a sneaky little punk...gifting a friend's novel!!!
The truth will always be revealed. :-) hehe

As I have been thinking about Thayer, and my birthday, over the past week, I haven't had much excitement about putting another year under my belt.
Thayer was three days shy of celebrating his 38th birthday. He will remain 37 in our eyes... and here I am getting older by the day. It is a weird feeling that he and I were always 7 years apart. And with each birthday, I am closing the gap... and will eventually surpass his age. It's just really crappy that he didn't have the chance to get old and wrinkly like the rest of us. :(

Some gals from work showed up on my doorstep this afternoon to serenade me with the "Happy Birthday" song. It was a great, fun surprise. They really made my day :-)

My family came over tonight with pizza and cake to celebrate my 30th birthday. ;)
They also showered me with Twilight gifts! -- A twilight cake, a magazine, Edward cards, and an Edward action figure!!! hahaha
yep... we are dorks. I didn't know that there were theme parties for 30 year olds ;) But we had a good time with it.

Last thought...
my birthday... and a full moon tonight. what are the chances?
10 moons ago... :(

It's tough being 30
;)

plans

I have recently mentioned to several people that I remember last August, when I attended the first meeting of the PMT at our elementary school. They handed leather bound planners to everyone at the meeting. And I was SUPER excited because I am a calendar fanatic. For years, I carried around a pocket calendar and shunned anyone who wasn't as well planned as me. For goodness sakes.... just write it on the calendar and the plan is set. (or so I thought).
I came home from the meeting and I jumped right into transferring my plans from my home calendar to the new planner book. I wrote in plans for the entire school year.... meeting dates, church dates, ladies night dates, etc. etc.
I clearly remember showing the planner to Thayer with excitement and he said "Jill, you plan too much."
The following Saturday, Thayer died and my plans for this year changed beyond belief. I threw the planner away.

Of course I still plan for things. But usually it's just for a week or a month, max. Knowing full well that plans can change quickly. And I think I have learned to roll with the flow.

For some reason... today was a free day for me.
I woke up completely inspired to move furniture around. Not only furniture... but we switched rooms today!!
I moved into L's room, L is now sharing a room with D, and my old room is now a play/guest room.
This environmental switch-a-roo is probably a symptom of a mental breakdown or something... so I'll keep you posted :-)
so far, so good!

forwards

I usually don't even read forwarded emails... but this was a good one. (thanks Kelly!) I apologize for the length... but I thought these thoughts were worth sharing.
I have learned some of these lessons the hard way... but I hold fast to them now!
We need to stay focused on what's important:

45 lessons life taught me
Written By Regina Brett, 90 years old, of The Plain Dealer, Cleveland,Ohio

1. Life isn't fair, but it's still good.
2. When in doubt, just take the next small step.
3. Life is too short to waste time hating anyone...
4. Your job won't take care of you when you are sick. Your friends and parents will. Stay in touch.
5. Pay off your credit cards every month.
6. You don't have to win every argument. Agree to disagree.
7. Cry with someone. It's more healing than crying alone.
8. It's OK to get angry with God. He can take it.
9. Save for retirement starting with your first pay cheque.
10. When it comes to chocolate, resistance is futile.
11. Make peace with your past so it won't screw up the present.
12. It's OK to let your children see you cry.
13. Don't compare your life to others. You have no idea what their journey is all about.
14. If a relationship has to be a secret, you shouldn't be in it.
15. Everything can change in the blink of an eye. But don't worry; God never blinks.
16. Take a deep breath. It calms the mind.
17. Get rid of anything that isn't useful, beautiful or joyful.
18. Whatever doesn't kill you really does make you stronger.
19. It's never too late to have a happy childhood. But the second one is up to you and no one else.
20. When it comes to going after what you love in life, don't take no for an answer.
21. Burn the candles, use the nice sheets, wear the fancy lingerie. Don't save it for a special occasion. Today is special.
22. Over prepare, then go with the flow.
23. Be eccentric now. Don't wait for old age to wear purple.
24. The most important sex organ is the brain.
25. No one is in charge of your happiness but you.
26. Frame every so-called disaster with these words 'In five years, will this matter?'
27. Always choose life.
28. Forgive everyone everything.
29. What other people think of you is none of your business.
30. Time heals almost everything. Give time.
31. However good or bad a situation is, it will change.
32. Don't take yourself so seriously. No one else does.
33. Believe in miracles.
34. God loves you because of who God is, not because of anything you did or didn't do.
35. Don't audit life. Show up and make the most of it now.
36. Growing old beats the alternative -- dying young.
37. Your children get only one childhood.
38. All that truly matters in the end is that you loved.
39. Get outside every day. Miracles are waiting everywhere.
40. If we all threw our problems in a pile and saw everyone else's, we'd grab ours back.
41. Envy is a waste of time. You already have all you need.
42. The best is yet to come.
43. No matter how you feel, get up, dress up and show up.
44. Yield.
45. Life isn't tied with a bow, but it's still a gift."