thankful

As we sat around yesterday I wondered what in the world I am thankful for.....
the answer was easy....
SO MUCH!

On Sunday, the pastor told a story (this was the gist of it):
A little girl, dying of cancer, had started a list of what she was thankful for. After she passed away, the nurses found the list under her pillow. She had come up with over 1400 things that she was thankful for.

To think that a little girl, dying, in a hospital bed could think of that many... shouldn't we be able to think of even more?!

No matter what life throws at us, I believe that God multiplies the good stuff over and over. Sometimes we have to look for it and sometimes it's obvious. I have been challenging myself to ponder upon all of the great things that God is doing.

L announced during the children's sermon that he was thankful for his Dad.
Yep, we are thankful for Thayer. The boys and I have talked about how we are thankful that he is hanging out with Jesus right now.

Sure... I am pretty ticked-off that he's not here with us, and his absence has made our thanksgiving noticably different this year. We are lonely without him.
But at the same time, I am so thankful for the time that we were able to spend with him here on earth. I am thankful that my boys had some time with their Dad.

I can think of kids all over the globe who have never known a father. An earthly father, or our Heavenly one.
I am reminded that things could be so much worse.

I am thankful for hope.
I am thankful for love.
I am thankful as I have seen God's hand in our circumstances.
I am thankful for family and friends who have kept us company during our loneliness.
I am thankful for friends with listening ears.
I am thankful for God's bountiful blessings that reveal themselves during each day....
for shelter, for food, for clothing....

we are blessed!

the power of IKEA

Since becoming a single mom, it's been so easy to sit back and think about all of the things that I can not do. Those thoughts can easily lead to a vicious cycle of feeling helpless.
All of the house projects that have come to a halt, all of the fix-it jobs that I'm clueless about, all of those power tools that I can't even name... much less know how to use!

I never knew that a simple trip to IKEA would inspire me to take charge of what I can do. Not that I bought anything, or got any ideas from the store... but after our trip I got to thinking about the little things that I could do around the house.
The kids and I talked about how they would like to share a room, with bunkbeds. We discussed different decorating ideas.
Then my mind wandered into creating a welcoming guest room in our house, painting my bedroom, painting my existing picture frames, and finally getting that color on my living room wall.
I am regaining confidence that there ARE house projects that I can do. Simple things that can change our environment and give us a fresh start.

I'm excited about returning home and tackling some of these things during our Christmas break.
I know that painting and re-organizing is a small step in the grand scheme of things but I feel like it's a big step in re-claiming a tiny bit of my life.
I can either dwell on what I can't do , or try some new things on my own.

Of course I know that I'm not superwoman... so if you're a big strong guy who can move furniture...you can be expecting a call from me soon :-)

repetition

The boys had another great day.
We enjoyed Thad's church this morning, the kids napped this afternoon, we went to a train museum, and then headed to spend an evening with Thad and Jenn's friends. Great times.

The most rewarding part of the day was tonight at bedtime.
For several weeks, I have been trying to get a good routine going before our prayer time. I have asked the boys each night to name one good thing that happened that day, one bad thing that happened that day, and one thing that they are thankful for.
When I initially started this round of questioning, they would totally ignore the questions, make goofy noises, or state really dumb answers. But as time has progressed, they have become accustomed to this new practice.
Last night they had pretty good answers for each category.
And tonight.... D reminded me to ask!!!! They both wanted to share the good, bad, and thankful thing for the day. That is HUGE!!
I am so thankful that the repetition is starting to form into a good habit!! yay!!
I am praying that our evening routines will continue to improve and that the boys and I can share sweet moments together.

Please continue to pray that I can love them well....

14 weeks

It has been helpful being around Thayer's family this week. I like the memories that they share of Thayer. They have their own unique memories to share because they have the most history with Thayer. We haven't talked extensively about Thayer so far... but I know we are all on the same page... sharing the obvious thoughts and mentioning the little things that come to mind.

Thad and I headed to the zoo today with our 5 kids. We were posing as a family today in order to buy a zoo membership. We had a great time. The kids were AWESOME today!!

Yes, it's an interesting thing hanging out with my brother-in-law... without his brother... without my husband.
I secretly enjoyed dating Thad today. hehe
I am blessed that Thad has been very accepting of me and the kids. Not that he really has a choice :-)
I love to be related to him through marriage. I'm blessed to have such a great extended family. And my boys are SUPER lucky to have great supportive men around. (not only Thad but the men back at home as well!!)

Continuing to thank God for our amazing support system....

transition

He redeemed my soul from going down to the pit, and I will live to enjoy the light.

(Job 33:28 niv)

Yestereday was termed our "day of transition". We decided to stay close to home and hang out around the house.

It turns out that I had WAY too much time to think, and put myself on an emotional downward spiral.

I think it all boils down to the fact that we were immersed into this beautiful family and I watched Thad be a wonderful father and a loving uncle. It was a painful reminder of what I have lost.

I was reminded about what a slacker I have been as a mom.

I just haven't had anything to give...

I knew that I wanted today to be MUCH better. I am always thankful when God gives us a chance to start again each morning.

I decided that I'd go on a walk with God when I woke. So we headed out.

I am amazed at the climate of Arizona this time of year. Perfect to say the least. The weather is amazing, the trees are green, the bushes are blooming. Just beautiful.

As I am noticing the blooms on the bushes and thinking about the falling leaves in Virginia I could hear God compare the leaves to my "old" life. and the blooms to my "new" life.

I could hear Him say "for the old things have passed away... I am making everything new!"

(yeah, I know those phrases from Revelation refer to the new heaven and the new earth... but it seemed to hit me right where I could understand.)

Then I also remembered what a new friend, who also lost her husband, wrote to me last night. She basically said that we can't change God's plans... "so why not try to get busy living".

Great point.

I can either sit around and wallow in what I have lost... or face my "new" life with excitement. I think it's time that I start offering more to my children so they can also start to grasp what God

may have in store for us. If I'm going to tackle this gig of being a single mom... it's about time I start doing it right.

so... it turns out that yesterday was not solely our day of transition. But this time away from home may be the start of a true transition into our new lives.

Please pray that I can stay positive, stay focused on God, and accept what the future may hold.

"trip" to Arizona

Since I've had kids, I tend to get motion sickness when I ride on airplanes.
After my first experience with simply wanting to die, on one of those turbulent rides, I started taking Dramamine before each flight.
Let me tell you... it's nice.
On one flight, a few years ago, I watched the woman next to me grip the seat and pray to Jesus for about 30 minutes straight. And I was as cool as a cucumber. ;)

Honestly, I think it should be renamed "DrowsyMe".
I popped those pills today and I was out cold by the time the plane reached cruising altitude. I slept like a baby. Except I don't think I drooled... this time.
The kids and Granny did great on the plane (I assume). We had tons of activity books, coloring books, travel games etc.

Someone even complimented me on how well behaved the boys had been. Perhaps we should fly more often!

The worst part of the morning was when the plane was on the taxiway and I suddenly remembered that Thayer wasn't on the plane with us. This was our first trip without him. I was taken aback by my sadness in the moment.

Overall, it was a good day.
A LONG....14 hour day of travel... but a good one. I successfully maneuvered two hyper boys and Granny J. through two airports.
Thanks to everyone who was praying for our travels!!

my rings

This morning I switched my wedding rings to my right hand.
I have been thinking about doing this for weeks. I was afraid that it would be too difficult. Not just emotionally... (but I seriously think that they'll get stuck on my right hand and be too difficult to remove.)
But I went ahead and did it.
My left ring finger looks skinny and white where the rings have been for over 10 years (if you include our engagement).
I had a brief moment of despair as I felt my empty finger. But then I was glad that I have come to this particular point of acceptance.
I really am single. And I realize that's okay. This is a big step for me... to flaunt my "condition."

I initially didn't want to remove my rings because I didn't want to look like one of those "single moms". I wanted to feel like I was still connected and protected.
I have quickly learned, over these months, that I don't have any right to judge moms who lack wedding rings. They could very well be in my own situation.

My plan for the new year is to have a jeweler design a new ring that will be made from my rings and Thayer's wedding band. I will plan to wear the new ring on my right hand in memory of Thayer and the time that we shared.

Brilliant side note :
My friend at work immediately thought I was shedding the rings in order to pick-up men at the airport tomorrow.
I hadn't thought about that till now....
haha

Who needs Disney?

Who needs Disney when you can spend $8 and experience the awe of a child?

The boys and I visited the most marvelous, fascinating, place of merriment and amusement today.
I picked them up after school and went to the CAR WASH!!!

I have realized that it is perfectly acceptable for a single woman to frequent the drive thru- brushless car wash. We splurged and got the $8 wash for the first time. Wow... it was WAY better than the $5 wash. Several more sprays and even a dry!! lovely.
I had such a great time watching D and L's faces as the soap and water were sprayed on the van. You would think that they were in heaven. They would toss themselves from one side of the van to the other....as the water passed by. They laughed with glee and watched each cycle with excitement.
Amazing.

I have also realized that it is perfectly acceptable to order pizza when your "back-up dinner" food has been frostbitten. No one really wanted those fish sticks anyway... yuck.
Ham and Pineapple pizza from Papa Johns is our favorite :-)

a great week

As we head into Monday, I look back on the past week and smile.

I had no idea that "happiness" could reenter my life so quickly. I'd say the majority of my moments this week were happy! Thank you God!
yes, I had my brief moments of wimpering- but overall, things were good.
And I am also aware that "sadness" is always just a thought away. When I least expect it.
Today, while driving, I teared-up because there was a pretty sky-but no hand to hold, or leg to touch, in the seat next to me.
I continue to feel the emptiness of where he is physically supposed to be.

on the happier note:
I am so thankful for all of the the tidbits of encouragement that God is raining down on me. He continues to pour his blessings over me and the boys.
I have enjoyed several conversations this weekend. Some with my boys, some with family, and some with friends.
I continue to be thankful for our support system. It would be SO different if I didn't have the extra help.
Thanks, Casey, for moving that fridge!!
And thanks to the rest of you who help keep me sane... the list is long!

13 weeks

I am wondering when I will start to refer to "months" rather than weeks. But for now... it has been 13 weeks since Thayer's death.

As I used a shop-vac in my basement this morning ... I briefly thought... this is what Thayer is supposed to be doing. But now it's my job and I am okay with it.
I have found that I can do alot more than I thought.
For instance...just about every light bulb in this crazy house has blown out since Thayer's death and I have been AWESOME at changing those things! I always knew I could be good at something around here. haha.

I stood at my front door this afternoon and watched the rain fall. I looked out at the rocks that Thayer had lovingly shoveled around our front trees... just 13 weeks ago. (I am still so thankful for our last day together).
I looked out at the stone that I retrieved from the accident sight. I have placed it right next to our front porch as a gentle reminder to me as I come and go. Thayer was the cornerstone of our family and I am praying that what he started with the boys, and me, will continue and be expanded upon.

I have been extremely encouraged this week as I have been catching glimpses of how God is speaking to people through our circumstances. Several emails and phone calls have made me realize that God IS working!

Thank you God for what you are doing in the hearts of your people.... especially ME!

Awana nights

I love Wednesdays. I get to walk with my good neighbor friend while the kids are in Awanas. And another friend joined us tonight. That was fun.

But the trouble starts after I pick the kids up. As soon as I start to drive home, I remember that Thayer's not here to help with the "late" night routine. I used to love passing those wild kids over to him...
Tonight we got home around 8:40 and I was SO anxious to get those kids in bed.
I was chilled from being out in the cold so I decided to take a "quick" shower while they got ready and brushed their teeth.
I showered until I could shower no longer. I dreaded getting out of the shower because then I would have to deal with the kids.
When I finally emerged, they had done nothing to prepare for bed. So I sent them straight to bed without any prep.
I know that I sound so selfish and I think I'm almost justified to be selfish at 9pm when kids are still up and running.
Who wants to deal with kids at 9pm when there are clothes to be folded, clothes to be washed, things to be put away, lunches to be packed (or in tonight's case... checks to be written to the school cafeteria because I don't want to pack lunches..), emails and blogs to be written.
Geez. That last part sounds pretty lame, I know.
perhaps I am a tad bit selfish... but I think it's okay once a week, right?!

oh. maybe twice a week. Kids must be in bed and asleep before 9pm on Thursdays!!
The Office... need I say more?

the moment

I have always proclaimed that God is in charge, that He loves us, that He takes care of us, that He sent his only Son to save us.... that God has a perfect infallible plan, that He wins... always.

We often hear of life shattering instances that occur, when people have to choose to hold fast to their faith... or falter.
I have always wondered how I would really react if something unimaginable happened to me.

Initially when the troopers came to tell me of Thayer's death I could hardly comprehend what was being said. No way was this happening to me... not my life.... this isn't supposed to happen.
Then the thought of having to tell the boys was unimaginable.
I spilled out the news to the kids and cried.

At that moment, I remember thinking...
"this is it... this is when I choose".
I am happy to say that I had NO DOUBT who my strength would come from. At that moment, I was confident that God was in charge. Of course I was devastated, heartbroken, shattered, dazed and confused... and of course I had no idea WHY this was happening. But as I soaked in the unexpected, I had some hope that there was a bigger plan involved.
It may be years before I can see a fuller picture... or I may not know until I see God face to face.
But I am confident that God is in charge and that His plan is perfect.

I know I don't verbalize these facts as much as I should. And I'm not sure if anyone saw these thoughts in action after Thayer's death... (because of that numbing fog that enveloped me)....
but my heart held tight to the God that conquers death.
And I continue to hold tight to His promises.

clothes

I appreciate the comments and ideas that some of you have suggested regarding Thayer's clothes. (from the previous post)
I think I am loving the idea of a quilt. Two, in fact... one for each boy.
What a neat idea.
I think quilts would be a good use for some of his clothes. I know that while I sorted his clothes many of the items triggered memories for me. Since I have such a fear of forgetting the little things... the quilts might would be a good way to keep Thayer fresh in our minds.

(I can also relate to John's feelings about not wanting to "over memorialize" things.
I'm confident that I've been practical as I think about the "things" of this temporal time on earth.)

Shortly after Thayer's death, I passed a few t-shirts to D to use as pjs.
A few weeks later, I realized that my own PJs had holes in them and that I could benefit from some of Thayer's t-shirts too. Not so much of a sentimental thing... just a practical response to a need.
I basically don't want his things to get wasted or stored away. I want to be able to pass many of his clothes along to someone who can use them.

But now... with great ideas planted in my head... I need to find someone who can quilt...

12 weeks

The Good, The Bad, and the Ugly

The good:
The boys and I enjoyed a vacation this weekend.
yep, a "vacation"... less than a mile away at my parent's house. We packed our things and spent the night on Friday. It was another great "get-away". I enjoyed sleeping until 9:15 this morning. My Dad fixed eggs, biscuits and bacon for breakfast. What a treat!
It has been nice for me to remove myself from our house for brief times. It "forces" me to forget about laundry, dishes and house stuff just for a day.
I know that I am SUPER fortunate to have family and friends that will "take us in" in a moment's notice.
I also realize that many single parents don't ever get a break... so I am counting my blessings!!

I have been intentionally trying to slow down a bit lately. I was really proud of myself for coming home from work the other day and sitting to watch a movie on TV. (that is unheard of for me....)

The Bad:
Tonight, I needed to clean out our...um... my... dresser drawers. I was making room for some new clothes and sorting out the ones to give away. I started with my drawers. My bottom drawer accumulates random "stuff". I ran across a box of cards and notes that Thayer and I exchanged... mostly in our first few years. (most of them were from me... since I am a sucker for sending cards). I cried while reading all of the references to "many more years" and "can't imgine my life without you", etc. etc.
We were so young and in love :-)

The Ugly:
I decided to go ahead and tackle some of Thayer's drawers since I could always use extra space for my clothes.
I cried as I tossed out his old socks and worn boxers.
As I sorted through his t-shirts and pants, I realized that his shirt from Duck, NC and his new brown shorts were missing........the outfit that he was wearing when he died. :(
More tears.
I was able to make a pile for Goodwill and a pile for the trash. But the remaining clothes gave me pause. I have saved several t-shirts and pants (and a closet full that I haven't tackled yet) hoping that someone I know can maybe use them. (if you don't mind "dead man's clothes"...please call me and come browse!)

on a brighter note...
I giggled through the tears as I threw out Thayer's bright red sweatpants that he used to wear under jeans in the winter months to keep himself warm. Several of the items that I tossed made me laugh. Ugly old t-shirts and hideous plaid shorts that he would occasionally wear- just to mess with me. :-)
I miss his playfulness.

I miss everything.

technical stuff

Technical #1

I have added an email address to my profile so that some of you can contact me.
I would especially like to hear from "Patty" who responded to my last post...

Technical #2
I'm having problems with facebook. When I open the sign-in page, it immediately opens with "error on page". The error message follows me through every page. I can read everything and go from tab to tab but I can't comment, respond or type- to add, or send anything.
Any advice on what to do?!
My inbox and requests are piling up and I can't do anything about it!! frustrating....

not really technical #3
I'm looking to get a head count of who would like to go to the Andrew Peterson show in Richmond, VA on December 5th. please comment to this post if you are interested...

yard fairies

I've been meaning to thank my "normal" yard fairies in print for some time. Since Thayer's death, my parents have been doing the bulk of my yard work... well... all of my yard work. I've had good intentions but my time has been so short lately. Usually by the time I get around to thinking about the yard, my parents have already showed up and taken care of it. Many thanks are due to my Dad for driving his mower almost a mile just to work in my yard!

I came home yesterday and thought to myself... wow! The yard looks great! Did Dad take time off of work to come and rake leaves?!
But something seemed "different" yesterday. And the neighbor kids confirmed that it wasn't my Dad.

It turns out that an actual, real live, yard fairy showed up with his equipment and took care of the yard yesterday! What a blessing!!

So to my anonymous yard fairy (I think I know who you are...)
Thank you! Thank you! Thank you!
You have blessed us in many ways...
You have not only helped ME but you also gave my poor parents a MUCH needed break!! :-)
We really appreciate your servant's heart!

relief

Ahhh... what a breathe of fresh air I've had....
It was super nice spending time with our lovely friends last night and today. I enjoyed being away from home, chatting with my friend, and just "being".

I think the part of the trip that I am most thankful for was this morning. I heard the kids up early but I just kept sleeping.
I heard them ask for breakfast but I just kept sleeping.
I slept until I could sleep no more... which ended up being 8:30am (come on!!... you think I could do better than that!!)
I think it was an awesome morning because we didn't have anywhere to go AND I wasn't the only responsible adult around who needed to feel obligated to feed the children.
This chance to sleep in, with no responsibilities, was the first opportunity that I've had since Thayer died.
It was such a relief to be able to RELAX!!!
Thanks Reg.... you are a blessing!!

11 weeks

Today has been "interesting", for lack of a better word.
Things have been going well today but I've hit several moments that have taken me by surprise.
Several scenes that followed Thayer's death have replayed in my head and really "hit home".
I just can't comprehend many of those moments. I was up, walking about, submerged in the business of funerals... and people... lots of people.
Now, looking back on many of those moments, I am horrified. How in the world did we get through those days?
I know that it was the hand of God that helped numb the reality of a real nightmare. And I am tremendously thankful for the family and friends, who were also grieving, that kept me together and walked me through the process.

As several "scenes" passed through my mind today... I am reminded that I have done the unimaginable.
I have sat on the porch as troopers announced my husband was "deceased". I had to sit my kids down and tell them that their Dad wasn't coming home. I've made the blubbering, gut wrenching, call to an only brother. I've had to walk into a funeral home and sign papers for cremation and give information for an obituary. I've had to pick out funeral songs. I've had to pick out clothes for a viewing. I've had to look at a beautiful, but dead, body of someone who was too young to die. I've held an icy cold hand that used to bring such warmth. I've had to walk into a funeral service for my husband, holding the hands of two young boys. I've been given a box of ashes that represents the man of our house... reduced to dust.

I can see glimpses of these moments... they have been etched in my mind. The unimaginable has really happened. Never in a million years do we think it can happen to us...
think again.
love your family! cherish every moment.