The Good, The Bad, and the Ugly
The good:
The boys and I enjoyed a vacation this weekend.
yep, a "vacation"... less than a mile away at my parent's house. We packed our things and spent the night on Friday. It was another great "get-away". I enjoyed sleeping until 9:15 this morning. My Dad fixed eggs, biscuits and bacon for breakfast. What a treat!
It has been nice for me to remove myself from our house for brief times. It "forces" me to forget about laundry, dishes and house stuff just for a day.
I know that I am SUPER fortunate to have family and friends that will "take us in" in a moment's notice.
I also realize that many single parents don't ever get a break... so I am counting my blessings!!
I have been intentionally trying to slow down a bit lately. I was really proud of myself for coming home from work the other day and sitting to watch a movie on TV. (that is unheard of for me....)
The Bad:
Tonight, I needed to clean out our...um... my... dresser drawers. I was making room for some new clothes and sorting out the ones to give away. I started with my drawers. My bottom drawer accumulates random "stuff". I ran across a box of cards and notes that Thayer and I exchanged... mostly in our first few years. (most of them were from me... since I am a sucker for sending cards). I cried while reading all of the references to "many more years" and "can't imgine my life without you", etc. etc.
We were so young and in love :-)
The Ugly:
I decided to go ahead and tackle some of Thayer's drawers since I could always use extra space for my clothes.
I cried as I tossed out his old socks and worn boxers.
As I sorted through his t-shirts and pants, I realized that his shirt from Duck, NC and his new brown shorts were missing........the outfit that he was wearing when he died. :(
More tears.
I was able to make a pile for Goodwill and a pile for the trash. But the remaining clothes gave me pause. I have saved several t-shirts and pants (and a closet full that I haven't tackled yet) hoping that someone I know can maybe use them. (if you don't mind "dead man's clothes"...please call me and come browse!)
on a brighter note...
I giggled through the tears as I threw out Thayer's bright red sweatpants that he used to wear under jeans in the winter months to keep himself warm. Several of the items that I tossed made me laugh. Ugly old t-shirts and hideous plaid shorts that he would occasionally wear- just to mess with me. :-)
I miss his playfulness.
I miss everything.
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every day things, recent thoughts, rare ponderings
About Me
- Jill
- I was suddenly widowed in 2008 and was a solo parent to my two boys for nearly 9 years. I was remarried to my husband, Greg, in 2017. It's safe to say that the past years have been quite a journey for our family. It has been a blessing to see how God has written our story and been our provider.
8 comments:
i love reading all of your thoughts as you process all of this. i am so thankful you are able to experience such a wide range of emotions. it's amazing (and again i'm thankful) that you are able to be joyful through the sadness. i've told you before...just days ago how amazing you are and how proud we are of you. i love you friend!
can't wait for ya'll to come here again. i loved how well the boys played together. please call us in a moment's notice! :)
ps have you thought of taking some of his clothes and making a quilt, blanket or something from them. boxers and anything plaid would look good that way! just a thought!
Hi Jill, I'm the Jessica who used to work with Jamie at DePaul. Also I'm close friends with Holly and Troy Brown and the Schuppes. Also, Grace EVF has changed my life. And my mom is Penne Scott. And I'm married to Seth Williams. These are our connections. I've been reading your blog since Jamie gave me the address.
About Thayer's clothes. I am all in favor of keeping some, and not just one or two items, but a good number. My dad passed of cancer 3 and a half years ago and when my mom started clearing closets and drawers of my dad's clothes she she chose a lot of shirts that she personally wanted to keep. She made sure each of us kids went through shirts and chose any that were meaningful to us and we did. Some of the pants she was able to give away right away. Some others, she just found, stored away (brand new - my dad was waiting to fit into them again :-). But the shirts are the biggest thing. He was a big "t-shirt" guy and most were meaningful to all of us, not just him. So all of us have a lot of his t-shirts now, and I wear some sometimes. I will wear his really faded, with small holes, blue Hanes t-shirt for my Saturday chores sometimes - it's what he wore for garden work or tractor work. I have worn his De-Mining campaign t-shirt from Angola. There are others. But every time I wear one, I'm thinking when I put it on "this is Dad's shirt" and I feel sort of happy or, hmmm, not happy, but that I'm memorializing him, hmmm, maybe not memorializing him... But anyway, it's not necessarily a grieving thing anymore (yet it IS related to his death/absence) but a normal acknowledgement of him in my life. Usually I end up mentioning it proudly a couple times during the day "This is my dad's shirt you know!" Oh, and his Guayaberas (sometimes called Mexican wedding shirts; they're light cotton, button, four pockets - two on the chest and two at the hips/waist,folded straight pleats or same color embroidery to make a line design from shoulder to hem), they are what he wore to the office every day (while everyone else wore ties); these got divided between my brother and husband and goodwill. So, to sum up, lots of clothes were donated away but lots of clothes were kept, and some of them are even not worn much, if at all, and I see no problem whatsoever in it.
Peace,
Jessica
Jill, My heart bleeds for you everytime I read your blog. It's just unimaginable to me what you are going through. But, I have grown in Christ so much reading your blog. You are a blessing to me. I look up to you for relying on God to get you through things. By the way, keep a peice of clothing that has Thayer's "smell" on it. It will give you great comfort.
Still praying for yall-Heather Venters
Or how about a quilt for each of the boys made from their daddy's t-shirts? Just a suggestion that I've seen done.
Jill,
Hi this is John Reeves, I emailed you the other day, and I had no idea about your blogsight, i feel like an idiot. Anyway, I was with you on your blogs. It was like you wrote your blogs as I dictated them in my own life. I know my wife Ramey used to work at the candle company back in the mid 90's as well, and your picture looks vaguely familiar. A couple of things I would like to share publicly, and hopefully some with you privately over email if you have the time. I noticed one of your blogs I think in September, maybe early October you mentioned about your neighbor coming home from being away for a few weeks, and what it was like (reentry, i think you said)I find myself thinking that all the time. Are my married friends taking advantage of the beautiful relationships that God has given them? If Ramey didn't die, would I be exactly like I am now, or more like I used to be? Will I be the same person in the future, as I was in the past? If I remarry, will I be the same husband (a very good one I think) or an even better one, knowing now what I wished i had known then. Is God preparing me for something even greater that what was? TO the last question, like you asked yourself, I say YES. God has not take us through this to bring us to something less rewarding, or abundant. God doesn't stretch and build our faith, unless its for far bigger and better horizons, with which requires all of the lesson and faith that we learned during those difficult times. How are things going to be greater, that i don't know. I know it will and thats all I know right now. It has been really awesome to read your blogs, I started in August, so if I missed any really good ones prior to that, let me know-ha!
As for the clothes and other stuff, I had Ramey's friends and sister come to the house and take everything they wanted minus a couple of things I was going to save for Judah. I tried not to hold on to too much stuff, knowing the reality that Ramey doesn't care about it anymore, her perspective on whats important goes far beyond our comprehension at this point. I also didn't want to over memorialize anything of hers either, because the point is that Heaven is our focus, and the less we have in our lives to keep us focused on this earth, and current difficult life, the more we realize that heaven is where our hope lies. Not in memories of horrible tragedies here, but in the beauty of seeing Jesus, Thayer, Ramey, (By the way they are together up there celebrating) and knowing that we will live together forever with them without a care as to how hard things were here. I know I am a guy, and supposedly not as emotional, so I don't want to over simplify things. But for me a over the top memorial for Ramey (I mean in the sense of like a shrine or something) would only hold me back from the glorious future that awaits me, because I would keep going back to the temporal, rather than the eternal. I hope the boys are doing ok, my son Judah is doing pretty good, I would love to email you soon.
Sorry about my horrible spelling, I knew I should have previewed it before I published it!
I agree that a quilt for each boy would be special and not "overmemorializing" which I agree can be unhealthy or not depending on many things. I will keep my ear out about quilters. T-shirts are harder b/c they are stretchy. I can quilt a little but I think it would take someone more skilled than me!
Jill,
A lady my mom is friends with made a quilt of some of my dad's old sweatshirts and it turned out really nice. If you want I can get you her name and info. Just let me know! :-)
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