friends

I'm well overdue for a blog.
I've been working on a spicy post about my upcoming hysterectomy but I just can't seem to get all of my thoughts in one place.   I'm pretty sure I'll have some time after the surgery to bless you with all of the gory details.   Stay tuned!  ;)

But tonight, I just wanted to rave a bit about my friends :)

I am super blessed to have amazing friends.   

I've been pondering the people who choose to hang out with me.



-I've got friends that have been around a long time, the ones that I can spend the weekend in their home and make myself a part of their family (whether they like it or not) ;)
-I've got friends who can sit in my yard and talk for hours.
-I've got  friends who actively pursue time with me, make me and my boys a part of their lives and love us well.
-I've got friends who are my sisters, literally.  ;)
-I've got friends who I see infrequently, but we pick up right where we left off.
-I've got friends who I love to have 'girl time' with.
-I've got friends who keep me company on a regular basis and listen to me ramble.
-I've got widow friends who I would have never met under normal circumstances, but I am thrilled that they have come into my life.
My support system is amazing.

So if you fit one of the above descriptions, please know that I appreciate you!   You make my life brighter and keep me sane :)
I am thankful.

1st day of summer

Tomorrow is the first day of summer.  And I'm hoping that it will be a fresh start at summer for our family.
Sure, we've already vacationed, I know.     And it was amazing.
But I have been looking forward to those lazy days when the only decisions I have to make are 'pool' or 'movie'.
Tomorrow, maybe, we can start with that kind of summer.

After nine weeks of basement and flooring remodeling, I feel like our house is finally ours to take possession of.   It turned out to be a rather mind consuming thing to have contractors around all of the time. 
The work was supposed to roll right into the kitchen but I decided to take a break... emotionally and financially.

This week, I've scheduled a few appointments and I'd like to cut down a few things that have been hanging over my head. 
Then, I'm set.

So. Father's Day just came and went.  Each year since Thayer's death, I tend to tell my boys that we will put our focus on Papa (my Dad), since he plays such an important role in our lives.
Leading up to Father's Day, I kept asking the boys if they had any feelings... good or bad... about Father's Day. They didn't seem swayed in either direction.  They have been pretty apathetic to the fact that their Father isn't around.   
Yet I read SO many articles online that focus on the fact that kids are crushed on Father's Day if their father is dead.   
I sometimes wonder if my kids have any emotions at all.
I know that Father's Day will continue to come each year and that it may mean something more to them as they grow older.     As for now... I try not to worry about their elusive feelings.

I sure could have used Thayer this week when the boys and I had an impromptu 'sex talk' in the car. 
That was humorous.

vacation

I've just fully settled into this vacation routine.  
Mornings without alarm clocks, sitting by the pool, random excursions, quiet afternoons, happy kids, fruity drinks, meeting new people.
And yet our time in Arizona is coming to an end.   
Two days until departure.

preparing myself for take off and re-entry...

faithfully flustered

Alrighty.  Many of you know that I have had conversations with an agnostic friend, in which I was challenged to learn more about my faith... and why I believe what I believe.
I attempted to read C.S. Lewis' Mere Christianity, but I happened to be bored to tears.  
I more recently have started reading I Don't Have Enough Faith to be an Athiest by Geisler and Turek.   And it seems to have a more gripping breakdown of the Christian Faith.   I'm looking forward to delving into the book when I return home from vacation.

Tonight I happened upon a group of Christians who were having a rather intense discussion with a questioning friend.   It was a VERY intellectual discussion that made my head swim just to try to keep up.  I sat in during the last half hour or so of the conversation... so I'm not really sure how the topic had progressed.  
I heard words sputtered about like "inner self" and lots about "spirit". (but not refering to the Holy Spirit.)  I honestly heard talk of "previous life"(as in reincarnation)  amongst other things.   So much stuff that my simple mind can't even restate it correctly.

I just know that my chest knotted up as I heard the conversation.
Not once was God mentioned, or Jesus, or the Holy Spirit.

Towards the end of the back and forth, the questioning friend seemed to ask, "why is the world so full of bad?"  "where does the bad come from?"
Great question!
and the folks in the conversation talked around and around and around about whatever they were saying.
Alot was discussed about 'disconnect from" something.
And not once did anyone mention sin or satan.

(And yes,as a side note, I too wonder how satan came about.  If heaven is perfect, why did satan feel jealousy? and why did he take off to lay havoc on the earth?  Why did God create a being that would do such a thing?
I am certainly not a Bible scholar, but I'm pretty sure no one can fully explain that.)

okay, so all of that to say, it was a very uncomfortable conversation to listen to. 
And what's worse.... I didn't speak up. I didn't interrupt.  I didn't lay out my simple thoughts into the scholarly conversation.
Inside, I knew that the 'smart' ones could probably talk circles around me ... and I was fearful of sounding like a backwoods redneck.
But why?    As a Christian, I should be prepared to explain my faith at all costs!   And I am pissed at myself for not sharing my thoughts.

I just didn't get it.
A Christian is defined as someone who believes the teachings of Jesus Christ.
If that's the case, and you are trying to explain your faith... how can you do so without mentioning Jesus?  or God?  Why dance around the subject?  And what the hell was all of the mumbo jumbo about?

I was frustrated with them.  and I was frustrated with myself.

wrestling

Last night I read a great post about wrestling with God.   Read it.

The author seemed to get it spot on.   And I could totally relate.  
I had just been thinking about the fact that I am wrestling with God.  Questioning God. 
And the other day... for the first time since Thayer's death.... I was mad at God.
And secretly I know that God was glad to hear my rant.       He had been waiting to hear from me.

For the most part I have done well with accepting Thayer's death.   I continue to work through my grief, I accept Thayer's absence, I don't dwell on the past, and I am content in my process of moving forward.
For the most part.

But the other day, I was pissed.    How can a God who promises so much be so silent?
Isn't it enough that my husband died?
Do my kids really need to grow up without a Dad?
What does our future look like?
I've been clinging to God's promises for almost three years.   I know that he has a plan for us.....but when does he intend to dish it out?

yeah, I know that is totally selfish... and there are many examples in the Bible where people waited a heck of alot longer than 3 years to see God reveal his plans.   And I'm fully aware that I may never see the plan unfold, in my lifetime.  
(And I'm also aware that is a pat answer to tragedy. )

anywho.
I've been content... but I'm still waiting for God to break his silence.  Perhaps if I actually listened for him, I'd hear something?

More recently, I've realized how blessed I am to have amazing family and friends.  
I have one guy friend in particular that has stuck by me for almost two years.  He has been amazing.   The other day,  I admitted to him that I was falling for him, knowing that my feelings were unreciprocated.
And the more I think about it... I get angry.    Why would God introduce someone pretty awesome into my life and then make him unattainable?
Yes, I realize that he is an amazing friend.... and I consider him a blessing.... and I don't want to jeopardize
that.
 But at the same time, I wonder why God dangles good things... just out of reach.
And maybe God's not doing that at all.
God sent me a good friend, right?  that's huge.  and I am thankful.

I like to think God's got even better things in store.   But come on!  I'd like to avoid all of the in-between emotional stuff, if possible.  ya know?  Give the girl a break!

I'm currently chillin' in Arizona with some of the coolest people on the planet.  
Hanging out with Thayer's brother is good for me.    Refreshing.    And definintly the break from the norm that I needed.

Now that I've had my little rant, I intend to have a great summer. Still waiting for the plan to unfold.... but determined to have fun while doing it.